Transcription
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Romney. Welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and toxic relationships. It's my hope that what you learn on this channel will actually at least help you navigate these relationships, even if it doesn't make them easier, or help you, or prevent you from getting into new ones. Please subscribe. Hit that button. And if you want notifications, we put new videos out every day. Just hit that notification bell and you will get those reminders for your little bit of a narcissism dose every day.
So here's one. Another question that has come up by several people have emailed this question in. So I thought it's high time I made this video. What happens when you call a narcissist out on a lie? Drop it in the comments. What do you think happens when you call a narcissist out on a lie?
So wouldn't it be so fun if we were all sitting in the same room together and we'd be having this big, raucous conversation? Because I bet this one would get you all noisy, right? Because this could be a very short video. Because what happens when you call a narcissist out on a lie? They deny it. Thanks for tuning in. No, just kidding. Okay, so they deny it. But let's go a little deeper with that.
Narcissistic people are very, very, very good liars. Now, they're not as good at lying as psychopaths. Nobody is that good. But they're good. Lying is second nature for narcissistic people because, really, it's self-preservation for them. It allows them to maintain their grandiose narrative and their sort of idealized depiction of themselves. Because lying serves such an important psychological function for narcissistic people, it's almost reflexive for a narcissistic person. Think of a lie as a scaffold that holds up their entire sense of self. If you try to move the scaffold or dismantle it, the thing that it's holding up, and in this case, it's the entire sense of self that the narcissists have as what a great person they are, for example, it'll all collapse. That's not a very good feeling for them. But all of that brings up all kinds of shame, so they avoid doing that.
We all lie sometimes to some degree. Let's face it. All of us lie. Typically, our lies are sort of socially facilitating, maybe protective lies. We tell people they look nice when they don't. We tell them that the dinner they made was delicious when it sucks. That their dog is cute and not so much. Our other option at those times is either silence or hurt feelings. But let's face it, there are lies, and then there are lies. Bigger ticket lies hurt and they destroy the foundation of a relationship because over time, you don't know what's true anymore and trust fades, never to come back in the same way. In the absence of truth and trust and honesty, there is absolutely no possibility for a healthy relationship.
Now, there can sometimes be confusion between a lie and gaslighting. Gaslighting is a little worse because you can't shift the gaslighter's perspective on the basis of evidence. And gaslighting is meant to dismantle your sanity. Lying, in theory, can be pushed back on with evidence. But that evidence isn't going to work with a narcissistic person. But because that lie, like I said, is basically acting as a scaffold for the narcissistic person's ego and their sense of self and their falsehood of being a good, nice person, that it would collapse if you try to call them out on it. Instead of copying to the lie, or owning it, or maybe even just being defensive for a minute, but then ultimately being contrite, all you're going to get from a narcissist if you call them out on a lie is rage, rage, and more rage. You may even get little projective twist arounds where you get accused of being the liar, and it turns actually into a gaslighted mess pretty fast. I always view that the lie is sort of the exit ramp, and then the gaslight is where you're going now.
Without being able to call out a lie as a lie, many people wonder, how can a relationship sustain or proceed? Well, I mean, that's a different question, isn't it? This relationship was never a healthy relationship. Narcissistic relationships are never based on respect, or trust, or mutuality of regard, or compassion. So trying to address the lying, while it feels important to you, it isn't going to address the fundamental issues of the relationship. The lying is a symptom of a much bigger problem. The lies make narcissistic relationships, which are already very confusing, even more confusing. Because some narcissistic folks lie basically for sport. They lie about absolutely inconsequential things like where they got the bagels that morning. I think some of it may be sort of that inherent oppositionality that is a part of all narcissism, a sort of tiny rebellion, a way of maintaining something that feels like dominance or power.
Many narcissistic folks learned to lie pretty skillfully at a pretty young age. Many would lie in the name of grandiosity, telling small lies. It became bigger lies to get validation or admiration, or to generate envy. And over time, the la- the lying almost becomes sort of a lifestyle and simply a part of who they are. While that full point deceit and lying that cuts through everything is more of a pattern of lying that we tend to see in psychopathy more than in narcissism. For example, lying using different about different identities, lying about their families, lying about their histories, about their jobs, about their names. And the lying in psychopathy is much more consistent with parasitic and exploitative lifestyles. In narcissism, the lying appears to be much more about getting admiration, maintaining a grandiose sense of self and an image of perfectionism, and maintaining a false narrative.
So many people, when they really catch a narcissist in a lie, they have the evidence. They have the bank statement, they have the photo, the video, the text. They view it like a smoking gun. They're sort of Perry Mason day in court kind of thing. They've got the evidence. They think that they have the aha moment against the narcissist. Unfortunately, even with all of the evidence in the world, it will always devolve into something abusive and mean and awful and gaslighty. The evidence doesn't help. And all of that ickiness can make it all feel even worse.
There are times when there is nowhere for the narcissistic person to hide. When there is a lie, they may start with rage, then throw in some projection, toss on some gaslighting, and then there may even be a moment of defeat and deflation when they're caught in the lie. That doesn't often, or always, certainly doesn't always have it. It doesn't even often happen too often. The other person in the narcissistic relationship is so frightened by the rage, or so trauma-bonded, or even struggle with their own abandonment issues, that there is that tendency that we often see in narcissistic relationships to appease or apologize or just try to put the episode behind them before the narcissist is actually pushed to that point where they might have to own up to the lie.
But lots of folks wonder, when I catch them in a lie, what should I do? You have likely suspected and experienced them lying to you for a very long time. And when you have the proof, at a minimum, it may not change them, but it could be a way to un-gaslight yourself. But trust me when I tell you, you're not going to get an aha moment and an apology. You are more likely to get denial and more lies. Ultimately, when you catch them in a lie, and if you find yourself remaining in the relationship, the best you can realize is that you are in a relationship with a liar. And you, as a result, have to hear most of what they're saying with a grain of salt. They won't come clean. And it's on you to make a choice on how to proceed with someone where you can't believe what's coming out of their mouth.
But if you feel that you need to confront them, there is no way that you're ever going to lead them to ownership and accountability. But I understand that you want to face them down on their lie. They're going to rage and gaslight and accuse. You know what? Some people are okay with that. They just want the narcissist to know that they know. Like, I see you. And for some folks who intend to stay in these narcissistic relationships, let's face it, the narcissistic person isn't delusional. They know you know. They're game. And you knowing gives you a little bit of power. But it does mean that you can't let yourself get lulled by their apologies and their future faking. If you stay, you stay from that unenviable position of not being able to trust. And that is, at best, a deeply superficial relationship, which unfortunately, over time, may not be good for you. Being in the presence of deceit is really being in the presence of something toxic. Over time, when you can't trust someone, really, what is the point of a relationship? It's a tough one. But I hope that answers that question. What happens when you face them down with a lie? Thanks again.