Transcription
[Music] we're going to go to first corinthians chapter 4 verse 14 through 16. and that's where we're going to start. i want to welcome all of our panelists that have come to join us today. i want you to relax. we're going to have fun. we're gonna have a good time. you look nice. uh-huh. got your makeup all right. eyelashes ain't coming off. you look good. so we're gonna relax. we're gonna have a good time. first corinthians chapter 4 verse 14 through 16. and it reads thusly. let's stand for the reading of the word like we always do. can we?
i write not these things. this is paul writing to corinth, incidentally. and corinth is like this crazy church, you know, not like us. they're like this wild, radical, worldly church who has had this encounter with jesus that they're growing up into. they haven't mastered it yet. and they've been filled with the spirit, but they also have carnality. and from moment to moment, you can see both things operating in their life. and paul is discipling them and developing them, which is what church is all about. church is not an elitist club for spiritual yuppies. you don't go to church because you're perfect. you go to church because you're becoming who god wanted you to be. and anything you don't feed won't grow. okay?
so he's writing that he said, "i write not these things to shame you, but as my beloved sons, i warn you." for though ye have ten thousand instructors in christ, yet have ye not many fathers. that's what we're going to talk about. not many fathers. yet have ye not many fathers. you've got thousands of instructors in christ, yet have ye not many fathers. for in christ i have begotten you through the gospel. wherefore i beseech you, be ye followers of me. can you say amen?
now father, there are many times that we talk about many things. there are a few things any more important than what we're about to talk about today. aside from the blood of the cross and your plan of redemption, how we live out our lives becomes critical as we reflect your glory in how we walk out our lives. and we want to be better at reflecting you, not denying you, not tainting your image, but becoming your image. i thank you in advance for what you're going to do. have your way in jesus name. amen. you may be seated.
now god has so desired that the church is a type of family. in fact, all of creation is a type of family. and it is the family principle and the model that he sets in place. yet in this particular instance in the text, he's not talking about a natural family, but he's talking about the spiritual family. and he's reminding them that there are many people that will add to your life that are not your father. okay? i think in part he is of reminding them because apollos has been there. and apollos was uh incredible teacher, eloquent in the scriptures, he was fervent in the spirit, he understood the way of the lord, he was very, very articulate. and some were enthralled by him. and others that were coming in and out, they were like us today. we're getting all these voices coming at us from all of these places that are teaching us all kinds of stuff. okay? we get it at the job, we get it at home, we get it at the family reunion. everybody has an idea of what you ought to be. okay? you get it off social media, you get it off your phone, facebook, twitter, instagram. we got more people talking to us than we have ever had in our lives. and it gets kind of confusing. and he says, "we have a thousand," i think he said, "ten thousand instructors, but not many fathers."
now, a father is a father in part because he has made a deposit. and there are many, many, many people who will instruct you who are not invested in you. okay? so the first thing he separates himself from the other people who are coming in and out of their lives because he said, "i have invested in you. ye have been begotten through the word that i preach." that word is god's seed. and when god's seed gets into your heart, you are begotten or born again. and he says, "you have not many fathers." and that's true today, both spiritually and naturally. i'll get to the natural in a minute. there are not many fathers. amongst all that preach the fact that you know scriptures doesn't mean that you are a father. the fact that you have the gift of prophecy or the word of knowledge doesn't mean that you are a father. there are not many fathers who have a fathering spirit in the church today. and that's very, very bad for us because in reality, we we don't experience fatherhood at home. and if we don't experience it in church, we don't experience it at all. and that becomes a very difficult thing.
and i want to first start by talking about the notion of god as father is meant to be intimate. when god says, "i am your father," it's it's more than god your creator. he's saying, "your family." you're kidding me? i begot you. i cause you to live. not just your natural father. i cause you to live. and so when jesus teaches the disciples to pray the prayer, he starts out, "our father." to express the intimacy of the relationship. i don't come to him just as a created being. i come to him as a son. that's my relationship to him. i'm a son. even if i'm not a good son, even if i'm a prodigal son, even if i'm a confused son, even if i'm a messy son, you don't get to unsub me because you don't like me. you understand?
now, now, now i want to dig into this a little bit. i'm going to share some things with you, uh, because i'm so excited, i don't even know where to start. jesus teaches them to say, "our father, which art in heaven." now, now, when when friends come to the house, they ring the bell. they don't come in the house. when the kids come in the house, they just appear. cory was over my house the other day shopping. i said, "do you think this is walmart or something?" "no, daddy, man. i just thought i saw y'all had some bits and something. i thought i would get me something." and i didn't say nothing. i, you know, i didn't say nothing. i didn't, i didn't tell her how old she was or nothing like that. i, i thought to myself, but i didn't say nothing because she's my daughter. because she's my daughter, she has access. she has access easily and readily and privileged. that if somebody else would have come in and been taking my stuff out, with it down at the least, 9-1-1. at least. amen. but because she's my daughter, it is not criminal for her to access my blessings. are you hearing what i'm saying?
so understanding god is not just this big person with a sword that's getting ready to cut your head off or or beat you or abuse you, but understanding that he loves me and that i have access to him and that i have privileges because of the relationship i have with him changes the whole definition. and jesus says, when when you come to him, don't come to him just as eli, as god, eloi, eloi, sabothani, which jesus said on the cross. don't come to him just as god, but to come to him as father, which generally is rendered, uh, in the greek, abba. okay? generally rendered in the greek. we don't really have an english word that captures abba. and you will see in the scriptures, in romans in particular, where through the spirit, we come forth being begotten of him, crying, abba. we don't really have an english equivalent. father doesn't really get it. it would kind of be closer to daddy. yeah, yeah. it's it's almost like like an intimate term of endearment. and and i thought when i first read "our father," that the translation was abba, but it actually is not. in the aramaic, it is ab wound. wound. not abba. but now, ab wound is a very interesting term for which we really don't have a word for. because ab is father, daddy, daddy, what's up, daddy bear, you know, that's talking about god. ab wound is feminine. so when you put them together, ab being masculine, wound being feminine, you understand that when you're saying "our father," you're actually saying "our father-mother." because he is el shaddai. he is all sufficient. you don't just think of god as a gender because he is complete within himself. as a man, i can decide to have kids, but i can't have them. i can't have him. i rejoice in that. yeah. glory to god. but even as a woman, my wife can think to have kids, but she can't have them because we are not all sufficient. save we become one. and the reward for becoming ab wound is birth. okay?
all right, let me go deeper. can i go deeper with this? when god created adam, adam anatomically would be difficult to describe. i don't know exactly what he looked like because he was created in the likeness and image of god. that is to say, he created adam with eve in him. if he was going to be in the likeness of ab wound, he was male and female created he them and called his name adam. yeah. so, so much so. let me, let me get this. so when adam walked through the garden and he was naming all the animals, the bible said that there was no suitable helpmate found for him. okay? so god never had to reach back into the dirt and make a woman for him because she was in him. [Applause] so he's, he puts adam to sleep and says, "let me show you what i got in you." everything you're craving, you already got. you understand what i'm saying?
so the bible says he put adam into a deep sleep because he said, "it is not good for man to be alone." let's break that down. it is not good for man to be all one. [Applause] in other words, i made him so much like me that he is abundant. it is not good for man to be all what? it bothers him to be that much like me. so ab wound says, "i'm going to separate the genders so you have companionship." he puts adam into a sleep and pulls the woman out of him. and when adam wakes up, the first thing he notices about her is not her hips, lips, or fingertips. he says, "my gosh, she's my body." he says, "let me quote it, bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh." the girl is me. she's me with the womb. she's, she's the feminine expression of god. so the woman becomes the feminine expression of god, and the man becomes the masculine expression of god. and when they come together abroad, they create life. [Applause] are you hearing what i'm saying?
it is important for you to understand that because if you don't understand that, you will think that men are the only expression of god created in the likeness of god, and the woman is an afterthought. no, god is abound. he is masculine and feminine. and together, we express his image. are you following what i'm saying?
now, now, look at this. this is important for you to understand. as a woman, you need to understand that you are no less an expression of god than i am. [Music] for years, because the church was dominated by men, we didn't want to recognize that the woman is just as much in the likeness and image of god as the man is. you see, because when she was created, she was created in adam and brought forth out of adam. so god, ab wound, birthed adam. adam is abundant. he birthed eve. he said, "yeah." so, so the first human birth, if we can use that term, is adam birthing eve. with eve comes the womb, where she becomes the nurturer and takes over the birthing process. and adam moves into his role as provider and protector and pillar of the soil. are you understanding what i'm saying?
the woman is built to produce. okay? that is not a part of the curse. the curse was in travails shall you bring forth. if she had not been in the fall, hall, she would have still brought forth, but not with travail. you understand what i'm saying? the reason i know she would have brought forth because of the cavern, the womb, the wound, the feminine expression of god. she's built to carry life. footnote to the women: you are built to carry life. and the enemy knows it. if you're not careful, he'll have you carrying everything else. he'll have you nurturing anger and hostility and bitterness and frustration. and it will be hard for you to release it because you were built to carry. you were given hips so you could put the baby on the side and it wouldn't fall, and you could do what you got to do. you were given a womb so the baby could be nurtured on the inside. you were meant to carry life. don't put death in your womb. don't put anger, hostility, resentment in the womb. don't put unforgiveness in the womb. it, because the enemy will tempt you to carry in your womb unforgiveness. and that's why you can be mad for 10 years. you can be angry for 10 years because you instinctively were designed to carry life. but you have to willfully abort death. you have to willfully push out unforgiveness. you have to willfully push out anger. you have to willfully push out frustration. you have to willfully let it go because you have a womb.
the man, on the other hand, plays a very significant role. he is given the garden to till the soil, to be a part of the fruitful aspect. when he says, "be fruitful," he is talking to you because you are seedful. and you cannot be fruitful if you are not seedful. fruit is a derivative of being seedful. god would never have said to adam, "be fruitful," if he didn't give him seed. because god would never ask you to give something that he hadn't given you. are you, do you all hear what i'm saying?
so, so you have to begin to understand. let me, let me go just a little bit deeper with this because i want to get on this thing about adam giving birth. because you gasped when i said about adam giving birth to eve. let me see. yeah, that's painful. i'm going to show you how painful. the first man, adam, went into a deep sleep and birthed eve. and recognized her first as bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. "i will call her womb-man." she's man with the womb. she's man with the moon. the second man, adam, gave birth on calvary. and when they pierced him in the side, out of his side came his bride also, which is the new testament church. when jesus says the new testament is in my blood, when they pierced him, they opened him up. the veil in the temple was rent from the top to the bottom. and the church comes out of the side of jesus like eve comes out of the side of adam. okay?
let's go deeper. so together, adam and eve become an expression of god. "for this cause shall a man leave his mother and his father and take unto him a wife, and they shall cleave and be one flesh." they shall be one. they shall be one. again, the reason that celebration we call sex is so powerful is because it celebrates what we were before. we are one again. and now the impossible challenge that he gives to the woman, the seed of the woman, which she doesn't have without me because she's not all sufficient. now that becomes possible because i have the seed with no womb. she has the womb with no seed. when we come together, we are all sufficient. the prophecy is realized, and the seed of the woman is brought forth. are you all listening at me? if you're online, if you're getting something out of this, just type online, "i'm getting this. i'm getting this. i'm getting this."
so, so what we are doing when we come back together, we celebrate god, and therefore are able to be creative and create life because we are acting like the creator together. we were created by a creator, therefore we are creative. consequently, together we created. oh, this is good. this is good. this is good. this is the first experience of a sociological construct is the family. the family itself is a womb that incubates and develops children. so the children being raised with a mother and a father are encapsulated and surrounded by both expressions of god. and together, they express the fullness of god. and and i don't want to get into gender stereotypes, but either one or the other will tend to be more disciplined, and the other one will tend to be more nurturing. so that the child gets both disciplined and nurturing. they get grace and truth. all the married people say, "man." one of the other of you is more hard-nosed than the other one. the other one. and the other one is more gentle. and that is by god's design. that opposites, not just anatomically, but emotionally, would attract themselves to each other. so that the child gets the full expression of god. they don't get all grace and no discipline, or all discipline and no mercy. it takes both of us being different, even in our emotional construct, to represent the fullness of god.
so there's somebody who said, "get yourself together. get up out of the bed. don't tell me nothing about being tired. get up. do something about yourself." another one said, "i'm fixing your breakfast now." now, now, it might be the woman that says, "get yourself together. get up out of the bed. you got stuff to do." and it might be the man that's scrambling the eggs. but one or the other of you represents opposite aspects of god. and you generally do not marry somebody like you because you don't want all grace. you never get nothing done. you don't want all truth. you turn your house into the military. but when you come together, the child is balanced by your differences. so the child survives in the balance of the parents. if there is no balance in the parents, then the child is getting too much of this and curious about that. you crave what you didn't get. you are like, "i shot you with that one." you crave what you didn't get. you don't crave what you got plenty of. you crave what you didn't get.
which brings us to father's day. which is not a spiritual holiday or anything like that, but it is an opportunity to put in context where we are as a society. now, according to the u.s census bureau, 19.5 million children are born in one, one in four without a father in the home. one in four in the whole united states. black, white, brown, makes no difference. young at all. one and four are born without a father in the home. it, when you break it down racially, it gets much worse. when it gets down to blacks and africans, 64%. latinos, 42%. non-hispanic white, 33% are born without a father in the home. some stats say as high as 75% of black children are born unto unwed mothers. so three in four are getting a lot of one thing and craving for the other thing. that means only a quarter of black children grow up in homes with mothers and fathers. that means 75% are craving what they didn't get. and i used to think it was just the boys that crave it, but that's not true. it is not just the boys. the girls also crave it. ate for it. curious about it. quick to go out and try to find it. and she tries to find it not because she's a bad girl, but because she's craving what she didn't get. worse for the girl, because then they call her a and a hoe. when in reality, she's just a broken-hearted little girl trying to find daddy in the arms of anything that smells, looks, or acts like a man. [Applause] are you hearing what i'm saying?
so i want to set all of this in context. first of all, to all the fathers who stayed. and let me clear this up. let me clear this up. to all the fathers who stayed and made up that 25% and stuck it out and endured, we salute you. we celebrate you. we honor you. we honor you. we honor you. we honor you. to all that ran away, we want to help you. we want to help you. we want to help you. we're not mad at you. we don't hate you. we don't despise you. we want to help you. we need you. most of the time, you ran away because you never saw nobody stay. and if staying isn't modeled in front of you, you will hit a stage where leaving seems like the only solution. and what the child doesn't know is that men don't leave their children. they leave their mother. [Applause] sometimes mama makes it hard for daddy to stay because mama has not had a proper experience with a father. and she's fussing at him all the time because she thinks she knows what he ought to be. and he's trying to be sometimes what she wants him to be and becoming frustrated because god didn't tell you to be what she wants you to be. god told you to be what he wants you to be. so she can't become your barometer unless she become your god. success is not for me to to be what my wife wants me to be. success is for me to be what god wants me to be. but if you're not careful, and you're a talker, and i'm not, you will talk, talk, talk, fuss, fuss, fuss, trying to shape me into what you think i ought to be. and you didn't even have that either. [Applause]
so in order to get this thing right, there has to be a humility that comes along that says, "none of us fully know what we're talking about." all we know is what was modeled in front of us. so let me kind of go a little deeper. if my parents argued all the time, that becomes my norm. and so i am not going to be happy till we fight because there's something wrong with quiet. if i, if what was modeled inside of me was swallowing up how i feel and not speaking out my feelings, then i want everybody to just shut up. let's not confront it. let's not talk about it. i don't want to talk about it. i'm getting out of the house. i don't want to talk to you because in my model, we don't talk. when the culture of my family, when i marry you, the two cultures marry. the culture of your family and the culture of my family marry. and they are generally two different cultures. and getting them to come together and work it out safely without driving the kids crazy is a difficult task. which makes marriage hard because your idea of what's normal and my idea of what's normal is two different normals. when in truth, there is no normal. trust me. lord have mercy. i've been pastoring 44 years. there is no normal. there is no normal. there's only for christians, god's word that gives us a metric to measure how things ought to be.
i really don't want to duplicate what my parents had. i really don't. i thank god for them. i love them. i appreciate them. i honor them. they got me here. but i don't want to duplicate what my parents had. i want to take the good out of what my parents had. i want to leave the bad out of what my parents had and become a better version of what my parents had. but if i'm using that as a model, if i talk to my wife like my father talked to my mother, we wouldn't still be married. so we have to begin to pick and choose what we take and what we leave out of our past. there's some stuff you don't take with you. stats prove that a father who goes to prison is far more likely to produce a child who goes to jail. stats prove that a father who is abusive and angry and he beats his wife is going to show his son, "this is how you deal with anger." and even though the son hated it done to his mother, he will turn around and do it to his wife because that was what was modeled in front of him. that's why jesus says, "verily, verily, i say unto you, ye must be born again." because in the new birth, you renounce the old birth and you begin to change. [Applause]
the pipeline. the pipeline. and whether it's me being angry, or it's you talking too much, or it's you being angry and violent and physical, because there are abusive women, and it's me sucking it up and taking it in, both of us are living up under the curse of our past. and we'll never heal our relationship until we both humble down and admit we don't know how to do this without god. let's get down on our knees and lord, show me how to hold this thing together in a way that makes things work. are y'all tracking with me? okay, that's good. that's good.
i'm gonna say one more thing and then i'm gonna open it up for your questions and we're gonna go from there. marriage changes with age. there are ages and stages. and people who have been married a long time, they have been married because they have endured the seasons of relationship. what you are experiencing as a newlywed is a season. if if he falls in love with that season, and the season changes, then the marriage explodes. because "i loved you in the spring, but i don't know how to deal with you in the fall." "i met you at this stage, and when i said 'i do,' i said 'i do' to cherry blossoms." and now i'm in icicles. and there will be, let me turn around right in the camera and say, there will be seasons. [Applause]
how do you stay through seasons? how do you stay through seasons? you can never stay through seasons if you live in your feelings. if it's about how you feel about it, when the seasons change, either her or him will get out of the door. because the seasons change. if you live in your feelings, you may not feel like it in fall. you may not feel like it in summer. you may not feel like it in spring. you may not feel like it in winter. you cannot listen at your feelings and keep your commitments because your feelings will seduce you into only loving one season, not one person. so in order to endure the changes, and hear what i said, endure the changes of seasons, it takes a lot of discipline. because as soon as you figure out how it works, it all changes. by the time you figure out how to manage getting the kids to daycare and getting to work on time and making sure they had everything done and their homework in, that changes. it changed from a season where you were figuring out, "how do i get all the diapers and the baby carriage and the car seat in place and get to where i'm going in time?" and by the time you get good at it, you don't need the car seat. because the one who was in the car seat now wants the car keys. and you don't know what to say to him because you're still recovering from the car seat. and now this joker wants the car. that's how it goes. [Music]
and until you buckle down and say, "winter, spring, summer, or fall, i'm down with you." "gain weight, lose weight, i'm down with you." "crazy sex." [Applause] "little sex." "no sex." [Laughter] [Applause] "i'm down with you." without that understanding, you leave each other. but the kid thinks you left them. and with that comes a feeling of abandonment and shame and the feeling of rejection. because the kid says, "what was it about me that made you leave?" [Laughter] "what? why didn't you like me? i must not be any good." which creates a lot of things. "you like me, you like me, you like me. i go with you. if you like me, i'll go with you. if you like me, you like me. i'll go with you because i don't like me. because there's something wrong with me. because he left me." when most generally, in his mind, he left her. in many cases, not all. she's so angry over what he did. the only thing she can hurt him with is you. so now you ain't coming over to see the kids. and no, you're not doing this because you become the switch. she beats him with for hurting her. because if he don't want me, he does want you. you can't see your son. not knowing that when you use a kid as a switch, it's the child that gets beaten.
now, this is father's day. and you've got some questions. and and i want it to be a conversation. you don't have to stick to any form. you can say anything. you can rebut. you can disagree. you can laugh. you can cry. you can snot. you can get mad. you can do anything but punch me. okay? i want it to be, this is a free-for-all. and and and the whole world is watching. there are people all over the world watching who are trying to figure out, "how do you make this work?" because obviously, we're not good at this. 75%. that's including church people. it's not like it's not like the 75% are all sinners. they're they're preachers. they're deacons. they're elders. they're ushers. they're they're strip club attenders. they're bartenders. from every walk of life, we are having a hard time with family. wonder why? i don't have time to deal with why. let me deal a little bit with why we had trouble with families. because our babies were sold out of our hands. our men were rewarded for making babies because babies increased profit margin, not taking care of them. our babies were snatched and sold for hundreds of years. [Applause]
so your great, great, great, great grandfather was a buck. [Music] five generations. you pride yourself. you stand out on the corner like this. [Applause] [Music] [Applause] because you still think the only thing valuable. can i be real? see, see, the problem with church is that we don't talk about real stuff. we don't talk about real issues. you think the only thing valuable about you is between your legs and not between your ears. so we're trying to get your head erect. and you standing on the corner. [Applause] and then the seasons change. and you're still on the corner. only now you're drunk. because the only thing you was proud of is gone. is this helpful? okay. how am i doing? am i doing okay? i'm trying to explain to you. [Applause] that you don't go into marriage without baggage or relationship. i can't totally divest myself of the only point of reference that i had. so when i got married, i had baggage. and she had baggage. and we have to figure out, "where are we going to put these bags?" "what do we keep? what do we leave?" by the way, the rent is due. and i just got laid off. and you're pregnant again. and i'm supposed to be responsible. broke. how my father didn't tell me who i was. my history didn't tell me who i was. my employment doesn't tell me who i am. you're mad at me. you don't tell me who i am. who am i? so can i really go there?
so here's the telltale signs. what's my name? what's my name? [Applause] call me daddy. all of these are telltale signs of who am i? i know. i know. so let's talk. how y'all doing so far? what are you thinking? um, [Music] i'm mind-blowing right now. but my first question for you, my perspective is like, like woken up right now. but my first question for you is, um, before you ask me a question, what blew your mind about what i said? um, just the way you, um, put it for, um, not just the guys, but you use the daughters, you know, from their point of view. and how you said about how, how they're looking for their dad who they didn't have, never had. and now they're just, they're not a or a hoe or anything like that. they just, hey, they're just looking for it. they're looking for their image that they didn't, that they didn't get. so now they're just giving their bodies to anybody or like you said, looking for that, that lust or love from, from who knows who, you know? understanding why it helps you to understand what's really going on. right, right. not them just being, you know, being a fast tail girl or a girl. it's just they don't know. they don't know. yeah, yeah. they don't know. they're, they're hungry. just like you. before they're hungry for attention, they're hungry to know. they're hungry to understand. so she ends up calling a 22-year-old boy, daddy. "oh, daddy." and she's calling a 22-year-old boy daddy who may not have even had a daddy. you feel me? yeah, yeah. hit me with your question. i'll do my best with you.
well, bishop, i, i think i'll go first because i'm the only father on the panel. okay? that didn't have a father growing up. okay? model, it didn't take. i don't, i wasn't born into that 25% that you named. but it didn't take long into my life for me to find myself in that 25%. and while i was growing up, i was trying to model myself off of something i didn't see. i was taking bits and pieces from great men like yourself. and the problem with that is, you only see the highlights of great men. you don't see their, their downfalls. you don't see how many times they fell before they got to that point that you see them. and so i, especially for the boys to men, i hope that you can speak to them and speak to me because, um, my young adult years was about mending what i didn't have in a father. even though i had his name, he was still alive at the time, but he wasn't there. and there's probably men and boys that can speak to going through the same thing. just, uh, talk about how you become something that wasn't modeled for you and how you change with the seasons of your life. also with that, because in the last year, i've gone from a fiance to a husband to a father. and and i'm glad that i have this form because you are my spiritual father. and i have my son in the audience. he's asleep now. and i thank you for this forum and this platform to be able to have a father's day like this to learn from you. but also, hopefully, i can tell my son about this one day. but it's something that wasn't modeled for me growing up.
you, first of all, [Applause] let's speak to the deficit that you feel when you didn't get it and it wasn't modeled before you. some young men had it and they still don't have it together. and i was jealous of those men in in high school. i would see boys, i played football or ran track, i would see them mad at their fathers who were actually active in their lives. and i'm like, "you don't know how good you got it." yeah. so, so there are two different kinds of pain. okay? there is the presumptive pain that when when you had it all your life, you don't always fully appreciate it because you don't know what it would be like without it. and when you've never had it, you appreciate it because you've never had it. but the one who needs that appreciation isn't there to get it. so if the man stays, he has to endure not being appreciated because you're normal. you don't get appreciated as a father till later. but in real-time speed, in growing up, you're normal. on the other hand, you got all of this appreciation to give and nobody to give it to. okay? so how do you balance it out? but how, how do you survive? how do you develop? how do you play a role for which you have no script?
okay, first of all, you got to be prepared to accept, "i'm not going to do this perfect, and i'm not going to always get this right because i'm not exactly sure what this is." and i said "i do" to something that i didn't know what it was. okay? so i, i am going to learn with you, and we are going to grow together. god brings people in your life to subsidize what you didn't get. okay? never tell people, "you don't, you, you didn't have a father," because if you didn't have a father, you wouldn't be here. so he gave you the most important thing, he gave you life. okay? what he didn't give you was discipline, nurturing, affirmation, and correction. okay? and and correction is important for, uh, particularly for a man, because correction shows me, submission shows me how to manage power, prepares me to deal with police, prepares me to deal with teachers, prepares me to deal with bosses where i don't see correction, i don't hear when when somebody says, "i don't like what you did." so i can stop hearing, "you don't like me." okay? where correction becomes a normative in your life, then you are free to make mistakes because then you learn how to repair mistakes. and the pressure to be perfect, you got to get rid of it right now. you got to get rid of it right now. you're not gonna be perfect.
but the good news is, see, part of our problem is we feel like everybody else got something that we didn't get. and anytime you feel robbed, you feel angry. deep down inside, behind hurt is anger. "it's not fair that everybody else's father came to the football game and there was nobody up there clapping for me. it's not fair that they got to go out and eat with their dads afterwards, and i went home in the car with mama. it's not fair. it's not fair." and you're right, it's not fair. but it is true. when jesus said, "you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." i think it's more than the gospel truth. you have to know the truth about you. you have, "this is my truth. this is my reality." and when i look at other people who became successful, though they were fatherless, like barack obama, who ended up being the president of the united states, raised by a woman, it says to me that it is possible for me to succeed with or without having had a father in my life. it's the reason they make vitamins to supplement what meals don't give you. god sends people in your life as vitamins. and they may come from five different directions. it may be a friend over here. it may be some from me. it may be an uncle over there. it may be a school teacher over here. but they supplement what you didn't get in your life. when you get around them, you need to tell them how important they are to you and why. so that they won't spasmodically feed you. if you tell me, "i never had this before. you're changing my life," then i will be more intentional about giving it to you because you let me know that you need that. so don't come to me like you already got what you got and secretly be craving something. you gotta know the truth, and the truth will set you free. and not be ashamed of it. because his leaving had nothing to do with you. it's not your fault. that's his issue to deal with. let that be his issue.
you got a chance to correct it. and supplementing the relationships where you did not get it from him with outside relationships is one of the ways that you fortify yourself and begin to build yourself up. waiting. number two is, you get to give your kid everything you dreamed of, everything you wanted. and it's crazy. it's crazy how this works. but when you give it to them, you get it back. the bible says, "give, and it shall be given back to you again, good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over." so you go to the games. you change the diaper. you bounce the baby. you take pictures with the kid. the kid don't know that you're in the picture as him. [Music] see, the secret to being a great preacher as opposed to a good preacher is a great preacher sees every soul that walks down the aisle as them. and the reason we are compelled to keep telling you, "you can do it," is because we are secretly talking to ourselves. you understand? okay. so as you give to your son, you're actually talking to yourself. and your wound starts to close. as you give it away, because you're giving him what you hungered for. but don't get angry when he doesn't appreciate it like you did because you're normal. you're normal. and the side effect of doing that is because you're normal, he doesn't see what you do as exceptional because it's normal. you understand what i'm saying?
as he gets older, where you can talk, or she, where you can talk to them and tell them your story, which is for another age and stage of life, they begin to understand that families heal together. marriage is healed together. relationships heal together. you already be dogs. you're sitting on this stage. you're, you're not in jail. you don't have no needles in your arms. you didn't commit suicide. you didn't blow your brains out. you're sitting up here intelligently having a conversation. two of us talking together when the stats say that you should be locked up. you should be incarcerated. you should be a gang leader. you should be high. you should be crazy. look at you. look at what you did. look at who you became. look at who you are. and let's, this is the clapping that should have been in the football stand. this is the clapping that should have been at your graduation. this is the clapping that should have got you ready for the prom. this is the clapping that says, "you matter." this is the clapping that says, "you're doing a good job." this is the clapping that you've been praying to hear. this is the clapping that your soul's been thirsting for. look at what you did. look at what you did. look at what you did. come here. give me a hug. look at what you did. [Applause]
now receive it. you got to receive it. you got to receive it. because what you've done is you've built up so many walls to protect yourself from pain that you won't let love in either. so you got to take your walls down that you built to protect you so that when we clap for you, you can receive it. because i see you trying to receive it, and you want to receive it, but your walls have been up to protect your heart so long that you don't know how to let anything get to your heart. but we're going to clap for you again. and i want you to receive it. i want you to receive it. my mama said, "a closed mouth catches no flies, but it don't eat either." when you close up your emotions so that you don't hurt, you also close it up so that love can't get in. and it takes a while to bring the walls down so that you can really receive what you've been craving for all your life. and i'm not saying that one hand clap fixes it, but i'm setting you on a journey to receive positivity, accolades, attaboy, you did good, you got this, you came out all right. anyway, you came out with. there's a scripture i'm gonna tell you. i love this scripture. i will get this to you. cause you cool. okay? joseph had two children. he was rejected by his brother. he was separated from his father. he was raised without his mother. he was lying on. he was betrayed. he ended up in prison. and when he got out, he named them manasseh and ephraim. and he said, "one of them, the lord has caused me to prosper in the land of my affliction." meaning that in spite of what i didn't get, i got there anyway. he named his son, his story, "the lord has caused me to forget all my travail. he's caused me to forget." and he's caused me to prosper. why would you name your son, "he's caused me to forget and he caused me to prosper?" because he is processing his childhood pain through his children. you understand what i'm saying? what joseph is saying is, "i got there anyway. my dream happened anyway. i'm the prince of egypt anyway. my mother wasn't there. my father wasn't there. my brothers didn't like me. the odds were against me. i went through hell. i've been in jail. i lost my job. and look at me. i landed on my feet. i got there anyway." that's even better than having a father. that's even better than having a support. because against all odds, you got there anyway. you see that? good. good. who's got the next question? y'all clap your hands. give god a praise. all right. um, the bishop, i hear you talking about the 75%.
I grew up with a very involved father, a very loving father, who was a spiritual leader in our house and a provider. And I'm married to a man who is now a new father to our nine-month-old. My question is related to fatherlessness and our focus on that in the black community, or why society does. So, it's, it's really, um, disheartening when I see society focusing on lack of fathers in the black community. So my question is twofold: Why does society and media focus on fatherlessness in the black community? And how do we combat that narrative, change the narrative, combat that stereotype? And how do we widen the screen? And when I say widen the screen, to show that there's more to the family structure in our community than just those that don't have fathers.
It's a great question. It's a powerful question. It's a profound question. You know what's so profound about your question? It's, whatever behavior we see, we repeat. So the media only shows the worst of us, which causes us to see the worst of us. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy to tell me that if my skin is darker than yours, I'm probably not going to stay. We don't reward the fathers who stayed. We don't reward the families that worked. We don't reward the marriages that stuck together. We, we do it all the time. Now, I understand to the media, and I have media to go to this church. Nobody covers planes that land. They only cover planes that crash. But that's the media's responsibility. In church, we need to lift up the ones that are working so that we can see that that does work, that does happen, and we do exist. And it's funny, I've been having a similar conversation, uh, with Oprah. And right now, they're, they're showing fathers that stayed and fathers at work because we do need to see it, because you can't be it if you don't see it. I totally agree with you. We need more representation. At that, look at what an achiever you are though, because of the fact that you had a father and a mother both present in your life. Look at what an achiever you are in education, in school, in all the different areas that you have excelled in. And, and be sure that you applaud them because they are the foundation that you stand on and helped you to become who you are. Let's clap your hands and praise God for her. Are y'all getting anything out of this? I know it's not a sermon, but are you getting something out of this?
I, I think it's important that we have this conversation. I'll take another question. Yes. I'll speak. Um, so I am 25. Well, first of all, I'm grateful to be able to, you know, have a conversation. It's, it's an honor to be able to, um, just have this opportunity to speak with you. And I just want to show honor to that. But I'm 25, and growing up, my father, he was present and he was able to provide. But there were times where I wasn't able to have discussions with him. Like, the conversations would be brief, and there wasn't a lot of transparency with that. And as we both got older, as I got older, and he started to go through health complications with cancer, there will be times where he wants to be more community, more forthcoming with me. But there will be times where I notice myself not being forthcoming with him, or being transparent, or just being short. And my question relates to why, why is it that with some fathers, they have a hard time with being transparent early on when the children are through their childhood? And as they get older, or if it's too late, they want to become more, uh, forthcoming with their child.
It's never too late. Yeah, it's never too late. The fact that you are, the fact that you're on, as long as he's living, it's never too late. The fact that you're uncomfortable with receiving it doesn't mean it can't happen. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable, but it's never too late. I'm going to explain to you why your father was the way he was, even though I don't know him. I can't speak for him. Generationally, I want you to understand the Civil Rights Movement happened in my parents' generation, okay? I was young, but they were adults in the Civil Rights Movement. When my generation came along, we had opportunities to own homes, work jobs, and be something that our parents and grandparents couldn't imagine. So we went at it like gorillas, trying to be something, in part to prove our other two-fifths of humanity. Yeah, yeah. Because constitutionally, they say we're three-fifths human. So, so we're still trying to prove we're human, and we've got rights we didn't have before, and a chance to make the world better for you. So we're busy trying to make the world better for you, trying to get the stuff that we just now got the right to get, okay? And we're scuffling so hard to get it with half the pay. [Applause] We're trying to get it so hard, trying to give you things, in part because we don't think our generations, others think that giving you me is valuable. And in part because we owe it to our parents to own what they marched for, okay? You must understand, at the time that your father had you, he wasn't the age he is now. He was your age. So he's scuffling, trying to make his mark in the world, and figure out marriage, and figure out relationships, and make everything work. What you wanted from him in terms of transparency was going to come, but it's not supposed to come when you're 7, 8, 9, 10, 12. Those kinds of conversations of transparency, where he becomes vulnerable and shows you what's right and what's wrong with him, is the joys of having an adult son. It is amazing to have an adult son because I am through disciplining you. I am through training you. I can now talk to you. If you overcome the propensity to shut down and imitate what you saw early in terms of nonverbal communication, you can become best friends. You have to talk to him because he's in you, and he's in you, and you'll never fully understand certain things about yourself unless you talk to him or talk to people who knew him. Because figuring yourself out is a journey. It's not an event. It's a lifelong journey. I'm still learning me. I'm 64 years old, and I'm still learning me. This, this is a lifelong educational process. What he will give you is clues, but it's hard to have time to give clues and pay the rent, and pay the tuition, and buy the clothes, and spend time with mama, and my parents are aging, and they're demanding from me, and you're demanding from me, and your mama's demanding from me, and my job is demanding from me, and I've only got 24 hours in a day. And I'm probably about 24, 28, 30 years old. He did not talk to you because of you. That's what you got to hear. It wasn't about you. It was about trying to be responsible. It was about trying to be dutiful. It was about trying to be a provider. If a man is at home all the time and he's a breadwinner, that's a bad sign. And the problem with being a father is you can never get it 100%. If I give you time, we don't have money. If I get the money, you don't have me. I can't be there and earn a living at the same time. I'm limited, and I have an obligation to make sure your life is better than mine. That's part of it. Am I right? Clap when I get it right. The difficult thing about being a father is that everybody wants it now. The kid wants it now. The wife wants it now. The job wants it now. The opportunity is now. Because in your early years are your earning years. You're only going to have so much health and strength before your body starts betraying you. So you're racing against the clock, trying to get everything settled while you have the energy to get it done before your body gives out. Now he's wrestling with cancer. So he can't, he, he can't do it now. If he didn't do it then, you wouldn't have had it. So it's, it's not that he's just now getting around to you because you weren't important. It's that he's just now getting around to you because the clock was ticking. We had affirmative action. We could now move into any community. We could now have a house with air conditioning. Y'all don't understand. See, all the things that you call normal were our miracles. We can now have a dishwasher. We can have a doorbell. We can have a yard with brass in it. We can have a couch and a guest room. Look at us. See, y'all don't pay that no attention, but we didn't have that kind of stuff growing up. And I want some old folks that are clapping here with me. We did not have that kind of stuff. We can go to the grocery store and not clip coupons. We don't need Top Value Stamps, and I know you don't know what they are, to be able to get anything we want. We, your normal is your daddy's miracle. But the reason you don't see it is because it's normal. So it's an Achilles heel. It's the same thing I told him. Everything he worked to give you, you don't really fully value it because you grew up in it. It's your norm. And you're saying, "Why didn't you talk to me?" I was working. I was gone. I was hustling. I was negotiating. I was trying to make sure they didn't foreclose on the house. I was trying to make sure that your school payments were made. I was trying to make sure that you had new tennis shoes when you went to school. I was trying to make sure that we had clean diapers to put on your butt. I didn't have time for a conversation. It wasn't that I didn't like you. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to you. It was that I was busy providing because I knew that the clock was going to shut me down in a minute. And if I didn't get it done in that window of youth and strength and no backaches and no hip replacements and no heart attacks and no surgery, that's just a little bitty window. Your strength is men, young man, hear me, please. Your strength is a short window where you are at maximum capacity, where you can go to work tired and still function, where you can function with no sleep, where you can still get it done, where you can still get everything done. That's just a short window. And every man that's worth his salt is running in through that window, trying to get it done in that window, 'cause I promised your mama, and I promised my mama, and I told my grandmama that the march wasn't for nothing. That if the door got open, we would beat some. We would move in. We would have the house our grandmama's dreamed about. And we got it, and we bought it, and we owned it, and you were born in it. But it's your normal, and you can't see it. You only crave what you didn't get. Now, I can't stop you from craving it, but I can't explain it. It wasn't that there was something wrong with you. It wasn't that he didn't trust you. It wasn't that he didn't love you. He expressed his love by providing for you, okay? That does not replace talking to you because you need to be talked to. But now he's trying to talk, not just because he has cancer. He's past that window, and now he's trying to talk to you. And, and you're kind of short with him. But you're short with him because you're mad with him, and you're mad with him because you thought he didn't trust you, and he didn't like you. That wasn't why he did it. He was doing it for you, not to you. Do you see that? Good, good, good. We're getting something done. Can I have a little bit more time? Just a little bit more time, please. Give me just a little bit more time. Let me take another question. Okay. I have a question, Bishop. Um, okay, so I had a question prepared, but sitting up here, I have so many questions now. I wish I could just pick your brain, but I'll stick with the original question. I'm 37 years old. I was married 11 years, and now I'm divorced, and I have three children. So when dating at my age, most people have children from previous relationships. So what is your advice? What advice can you give to a man who doesn't have children but is considering marrying or dating a woman that has children? What things should he consider, you know, being that he would potentially be a stepfather? And then on the other end of the spectrum, for the man or the father who has children, and you're considering merging two different families together, um, what advice can you give them on making the process easier and building relationships with their stepchildren?
Good question. Okay, that's a good question. That's a good question. And the answer is, date, date, date. But I'm not talking about you dating him. He also has to date your children. He has to date your children. You, you can't, he can't just be the car that comes to pick mama up and then mama gets married and brings this stranger home because then he becomes the enemy. Every third date needs to be a family outing, a get-together where he gets to try on being a father, trying to communicate, learn to, learning to engage them, interacting with them, until they get to see what it's like to have a male figure, and he gets to see how much longer it takes to get ready when you got kids, okay? That dating process needs to go on. And to the second question, when two families merge together, they also need time together. They need to go on trips together before they get married. They need to make the kids have to make friends. They have to bond. They have to lose some of their, uh, resistance. And here's a big problem with blended families. The question is, if, if I had kids and you had kids, and we got married, that means I had kids by some other woman. The kid has the dilemma: is liking you betraying mama? And, and sometimes mama is feeding that on the other side of the table. He went and married that, you know, you know. Okay, so you got to be patient with the kids connecting with you because they're torn between two lovers. And you got to make it okay for them to love their mother and not be threatened by the fact that they love their mother, even if she's threatened by the fact that they're spending time with you. You have to be the bigger person and not be threatened by, and invite her to the birthday party, and invite them to go spend time with their mother. And if you can't bring her over, let them go spend Tuesday with her and Wednesday with me, and not act funny when they come home to send a signal that you are cool. Then eventually, kids adopt very quickly into understanding that they're not betraying her to be nice to you, and vice versa. If it were a male, it's still the same thing. It is a difficult process. It is a long journey. It takes time because you have no equity with them. So don't expect to, man or woman, come in disciplining kids that you haven't invested in enough to earn the right to correct. You don't get to correct kids you haven't invested in. So before you come in and talk about these kids, stay up all the hours of the night, they need to go to bed at a decent hour, and they don't do this, and they don't do that, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You only know these kids. Let's be there for some things. Let's do some fun things. Let's invest in them. Let's support them. Let's show interest in them and earn the respect that is necessary to make the discipline be something they can live with. Does that make sense? Okay. Now, what was your real question?
Well, I don't know if it's necessarily for fathers, but for, it was for more so for me because I can relate to so much of everything you've shared. You know, I grew up in the home with my father, but now I'm raising children that, and it's different when you didn't have a father at all, but when you had a father up until you were like 10, and then you don't have your father anymore. I [Music] deal with, with my children, issues of abandonment. You know, they feel abandoned. And all the feelings that you described. So my question was, what can I do to help break that cycle? You know, like, like, where, like, I tell my son, like, my, my dad, he didn't have his father, you know, his father wasn't around, but he was a great father to me. So I tell my son, you know, my dad made a choice. He made a choice to be a good father. So you have to make a decision that you're going to be everything that you wish your father was to you. But what else can I do? Or what else can I say to help?
Your daddy loves you. He didn't leave you. He left me. He still cares about you. He's still your father. He will always be your father. Anytime you want to reach out to him, it's cool with me. I'm open to that. I understand that what you get from me, you will not get from him. What you get from him, you will not get from me. Open the door, even if he doesn't walk through it. Leave the door open and let the kid know I'm cool with it. You're not betraying me to miss him. I'm not going to pull you apart in the fight I had with him because every time you discredit him, you discredit the kid because he's in them. So if they overhear you talking to your girlfriend about what a dog he was, they'll start barking. Am I on it? So, so it's important that you lift him up because you all created them together. And he, though he is physically gone, he is still in them, okay? He is still in them. And you know, I see your father the way you laugh, and you, you laugh just like him. Telling them things that connect the dots for them, you know, connect the dots for them. And, and making it a non-issue for this unique situation to exist. And because you personally know what it's like to feel abandoned, you, you don't know. You, you don't know. Your kids know. Your kids know. So they're already talking to you about it. You can see it in their behavior. If they're going to start acting out soon, if we can't fix that feeling of abandonment, and we have to fix it one or two ways. Either whether the father engages them, or somebody else comes in of significance and, and, and, and really, really works extra hard to put value in them and to clap for them like I did for him, you know, and to be there for those moments. You see how he shined when I clapped for him? He lit up like General Electric because, because men will go toward whoever claps the loudest. [Music] Make sure there's clapping in that house. By the way, even if you end up not getting married, you can do this alone if you have to. You, you have to clap harder. You have to work harder, but you're a strong enough woman to be able to do it on your own because you already understand how they're feeling. And I can tell you're a good mother because they're talking to you. The fact that they would talk to you about feeling abandoned is a sign that you have really killed Goliath. Goliath is communication. And keep that communicate. How you feeling today? You feeling better about that? What do you, what do we need to do to make that better? And having that conversation with them is a very healthy thing. And then if you see anything that you're unable to cure, get therapy for the kids. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with therapy.
I'm going to do, I'm going to do one more, and then I'm going to, then, then I, I'll stop if you want me to. Uh, it doesn't matter to me. It's fine. Are y'all having a good time? Because if, if you'll wait on me in a minute, if you'll give me a minute, I feel something in my spirit to do that that's going to bring life. I'll take one more question. Who's got it?
Bishop, I have a question for you. Yeah. So this kind of goes back to what you were saying about the seasons and marriage and seasons in life. My wife, as she said, we have our first daughter now. So we found out we were having a daughter in 2019. I started a new job in 2019. And the expectations that we had for how, you know, transitioning from just being a couple to being parents, that changed when COVID hit. And so now, the way my life is, the way I handle my marriage, being a father, my career, and my personal well-being, it feels like I'm being stretched a bit more. And so, as you said, when you move into those different seasons of your life, it's about discipline. But what can I do to help me grow, to help aid in that growth, so that I can make sure that I'm being the husband that I need to be, and the father, and being in my career, and also maintaining my personal well-being?
Man, you in a situation, dog. I thought a couple of things while you're talking. Well, this year, in a situation, too. I said, uh, while we were sheltered in place, I know what you was doing. But anyway, uh, anyway, enough about that now. [Laughter] The pressure you are feeling is normal. Being a father, husband, provider is stressful. It is stressful. There's nothing wrong with you that you feel that way. I feel that way. Men feel that way. It is not easy to be all of those things simultaneously and also still be true to you and have some you time that you desperately need in order to be the best version of yourself to her and the kids. You need some time. So the first thing I want to leave, relieve you from the feeling of inadequacy that will tempt you to feel like, "Am I enough?" You're enough because you know what? You care. That's all they want. You ain't got to be perfect at it. You care. The very fact that you're concerned about it, you're asking questions about it. The very fact that, that I know because I understand men, the emotions behind your questions, I see in your eyes and the pressure and the stress. And I'm going to say something you didn't say, but, but I know it's true. You're stressed, and you can't tell anybody. That's what makes being a man hard because you don't want to bleed on her and say, "Oh God, how am I going to do this? I'm worried. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need a good cry." You don't want to do that because you don't perceive that to be masculine, which is wrong. Jesus wept. To whom much is given, much is required. The feelings you're having are quite normal. But let me help you process this, okay? You're going to do things as a family more than you did as a couple, okay? And in that process, in the early stages, the kid is just laying there with a bottle in his mouth, doesn't want anything profound. Change my diaper. You know, give me something to drink. I'm cool. It's pretty easy. Then the next stage, I'm trying to walk. Get out my way. Baby-proof the house. You know, so you, you got a few years before you get down to the complicated stuff. And you got those years and those times that you can still get what you need from her. Because while you really want to be a great daddy, you married her because you love her, and you want to be her husband, and her lover, and her friend, and you need that. Take advantage of those opportunities because the older the kid gets, the more into that they're going to eat. The first few years, it's not going to be that bad. It's not going to be that hard, and you're still going to be able to provide. And sometimes you're going to leave something undone, and you have to take the pressure off of yourself to be perfect. You do not have to be perfect. You have to be present. Just present. Just present. If this is what I learned, if you're just present, you're halfway there. You don't have to be perfect. These boys down here don't need perfect daddies. They need present daddies.
I said that was my last one, but I'm gonna take one more. It must be you. Okay. I did not have my father in my life growing up. However, um, I was very blessed to have, you know, my stepdad in my life, and I called him my dad because he was there and is still there today. Um, as a single mother now, um, I feel I have the important responsibility of choosing who my future husband will be that will be a great stepfather to my four-year-old daughter. So my question is, what characteristics should I, and also other single mothers who are desiring marriage, look for in a potential husband that could be a great fit for, or who could be a great stepfather to their children, and also a great father to their future children?
Check out his family. Check out his family. Check out their family culture, their family dynamics, what he sees as normal, how he relates. They don't have to be perfect. How he relates in group settings, in what context. He has the ability to give attention to his siblings, his parents, and things like that. What, what are those dynamics? That's part of it. Check out the chemistry between him and the child. You don't want too much chemistry, okay? You don't want too much chemistry, and you don't want too little chemistry. You want him to be interested in your daughter, but not preoccupied with her, okay? You understand what I'm saying? You're still the star of the movie. You're still the star of the movie. But you don't want him to resent her either, okay? And let's, let's, let's build that relationship up and watch it grow. He needs to be a protector. He needs to be a provider. He needs to be the kind of guy who goes to the door first when there's a lock at the door. He needs to be the sort of guy that gets out and talks to the mechanic on your behalf. These are little signs. There's an altercation, he needs to stand in front of you. He, he needs to be the guy that wants to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. He needs to be a covering for you, a covering for you. When you are worried about your daughter, he needs to be the kind of guy who's worried too, even though we don't always talk when we're worried. He needs to have the same concerns you do, maybe not express them the way you do. But what your values are need to be his values. Those core values make a difference. Avoid fixer-uppers. Avoid fixer-uppers. Avoid fixer-uppers. And it's easy to be attracted to fixer-uppers. It's easy to be attracted to fixer-uppers. But you don't want a fixer-upper and you got a daughter because you don't know what all you're fixing, and you don't know how long it's gonna take to get it fixed, and you don't want your daughter to suffer in the process of a dysfunction that you're you're working on. Because you all seem to see chicken salad out of chicken manure, and you believe that you're Superwoman and you can fix anybody. Some of this stuff is complicated, and it's difficult, and then you get in and find out you can't fix it, and then you get mad, and you're ready to throw him away. When in truth, the person who has something to offer, you weren't attracted to because you need to be needed, and you draw fixer-uppers, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Clap your hands if you enjoyed this. [Music]