Transcription
Want to improve your marriage? Be more appreciative and express it more. Plenty of husbands appreciate their wives' efforts; they just don't say it.
Marriage is a dynamic process—a continuously renewing reality. It's not a one-time event. You're constantly getting married because you were born single. Getting married creates a new reality that must constantly recreate itself, as the default is being unmarried. Any new reality needs constant renewal; it's not static. Every moment, you are being married, getting married. Therefore, celebrate the process daily. While some renew vows mid-life, it should be daily. Each day you wake up married is a new beginning requiring improvement.
So, whether your marriage is wonderful, mediocre, or painful, it's time to upgrade. Give it more attention, ensure it's on the right track. Here are three suggestions:
First, respect. Behave, speak, and even think respectfully. Does marriage give you rights others don't have? Can you criticize your spouse while not tolerating others doing so? That's a loss of respect, not comfort or devotion; it cheapens the relationship. Intimacy isn't a right or privilege, but a constantly renewed gift. No number of dates grants a right to intimacy; marriage brings commitment, not entitlement. Intimacy is a commitment, not a right you can demand. It's not grounds for divorce if withheld; it's a commitment, not an obligation you can legally enforce. Entitlement, demanding, criticizing, or shaming are horrible flaws. Your spouse deserves more respect than any stranger. Improve respect; speak thoughtfully and with dignity. Pay attention; check your respect quotient.
Second, be appreciative. Women need appreciation more than compliments; they have an innate sense of value. You don't need to compliment every meal, but be grateful for each one. Appreciation differs from admiration. Men need admiration; women, appreciation. Show appreciation for small things; it's not about being impressed. Sages say women are sensitive to injustice, and taking them for granted is unjust. Want to improve your marriage? Express appreciation more often.
Third, regarding criticism or correction: Don't correct in real time. Wait until tomorrow. If you forget, it wasn't that important. If it's important, you'll have time to choose your words and be effective. Constructive criticism can't happen in the moment; it puts your spouse on the defensive. Be careful with criticism; maintain respect. Criticize because right is right, not because you've lost respect. If you've lost respect, you're incapable of constructive criticism. An example: a husband, after losing life savings, demands a divorce because his wife's consoling words lacked empathy. She lost her right to offer advice by not sharing his devastation; she became an unsympathetic outsider. Good advice, like criticism, must come from within the marriage, not from a place of detachment. Stepping out of the relationship during disagreements is infidelity.
Three things to improve your marriage: be more respectful, genuinely appreciate more often, and don't criticize reactively. Be thoughtful, wait, and criticize from within the marriage. These things don't take much time but can make a huge difference. For more information, see this book (available on Amazon). These ideas are vital for the world; support this effort by donating. Thank you.