Transcription
We live in a culture where people think you shouldn't have to put effort into something like love and romance. You should just be who you are, man. I don't have to put on a role. I don't have to play a game. That's manipulative. Blah blah blah blah.
No, I'm sorry. I have a friend who went on a date and she came back from the date and was complaining because the person that she date went on that first date with took her to a spot where he had an available valid discount code for like two to one. >> And and >> talk about anti- seduction. There you go. >> Why is that anti-seductive?
In that case, one might say that male is being, you know, economically savvy, financially savvy. If you're not able to let go of your kind of tightness when it comes to a woman, then something's wrong with you, man. Just let go. Spend some extra money. Spend the extra 10 quid that you might need to spend on taking her to someplace different. But it signals a kind of cheapness. And it's not about money. It's about a cheapness in your spirit, right? She's not worth, you know, letting go. Okay, maybe you don't have that much, but my god, you have enough. It's not going to like make if you're that poor then then you know, okay, maybe. But probably not. You can afford it. Show that you that that it it means something to you.
Seduction is a language. It's not a language of words. It's a language of gestures that we're paying attention to. We're paying attention to people's body language. We're paying attention to their actions, to the things that they never say. So when you signal that discounts are so important to you that even on the first date you have to have a discount, you're signaling that it's not there's something tight about you in your nature and it's not very pleasant.
>> What are the attributes of someone that is not good at seducing?
>> There are several of them. I can't I don't have them all memorized, but one quality that's very anti-seductive is preaching and moralizing. is like telling people, "Oh, that's wrong what you just said or your politics are ugly or you're not a really you're not really good at this or something or other." Having a moral superiority, a sense of sanctimonious sanctimony in a realm which should be about pleasure where should be that kind of equality, that kind of dynamic where you're asserting your moral superiority is deeply deeply anti-seductive. the element of preaching to people not being generous and I mean not just with money is important but not being generous with your spirit right you want to be open you want to give as much as you can to the other person of yourself of your time of your money of your energy etc so being all kind of crimped and I don't want to give I don't want to spend money I want to take you to the cheap place to eat I I don't want to give you much time is very very anti-seductive.
What else is great dating advice for this for the single people out there?
>> There are several things. So, first of all, we live in a culture where people think you don't you shouldn't have to put effort into something like love and romance. You should just be who you are, man. I don't have to put on a role. I don't have to play a game. That's manipulative. Blah blah blah blah. No, I'm sorry. Love and romance is something that is almost biological. If you look at animals and mating rituals, they're incredibly elaborate. Seduction is a mating ritual. And so, the worst thing you can feel is that this person isn't putting any effort into something. Let's just say it's it's from the woman's point of view. This man, he just shows up wearing jeans and his usual sloppy outfit. He doesn't comb his hair, etc., etc., etc., etc. He takes me to the pub for dinner on our first date. You know, he he's not thinking about me. He's not willing to put any effort into it. What's it going to be like 3 months down the line when he completely takes me for granted, which is what happens in a relationship, am I not important enough? Right? Whereas the ability to have a little bit of effort to think of it as kind of theater and drama and that there's nothing evil about that. So, I'm going to dress nicely. I'm going to It doesn't have to be fancy, just that I'm going to, you know, I'm going to put some effort into how I look. I'm going to take her to a place that isn't is, you know, I'm not talking about candle lights and roses and that kind of crap. It can be somewhere that that's scuzzy, that's on the wrong side of town, but it's different and it's appealing to and you put some thought into it. There's a reason you're taking her there.
Is insecurity a seductive quality or is it a anti-seductive quality?
>> It is anti-seductive. Now there is a part of weakness that is seductive. So I would say vulnerability is seductive but insecurity is anti-seductive and there's a big difference.
>> Why does vulnerability draw people to you?
>> So seduction is about being open to the other person to the extent where you can even fall in love. you can fall under their spell. And the sense of letting go of your ego, letting go of your defensiveness and letting other another person enter your world is being seduced. It requires vulnerability. If you meet the typical um scenario is of a man who's not vulnerable at all. He's so powerful and in control and everything has no vulnerabilities. It's frightening, you know, for a woman. It could be very frightening like this. He's he's so strong. He's so invulnerable that there's something wrong about it. You know, maybe he's a serial killer. Maybe he's got skeletons in his closet. Something isn't right about that. What what seduces you about a puppy, about a child, about an animal is their vulnerability. It makes you want to hug them. It makes you want to help them. The sense that somebody needs protection or help brings out qualities in us that we don't normally have that I think allow for seduction. So that is being vulnerable. That is I can be influenced by that other person. I am open to the to their spirit. But being insecure means I'm so self-absorbed. I'm so worried about myself that I can't get out of it. And we've all had that experience when you meet somebody and they and you can sense you can smell their insecurity in them. I'm not judging them because we all have insecurities. It makes you feel insecure. It makes you feel a little bit awkward. Whereas if you meet someone who's not like that, who's confident, etc., it brings out that quality in you. So when you meet somebody for the first time or you're on a date or whatever it is, you're not having that internal monologue going, "Does she like me or does he like me? Am I dressed well? Am I saying stupid things? What can I do to impress them?" No, you turn it off and you're outerdirected and you're listening to them and you're entering their spirit and you're hearing them say things that that give you idea of what they're missing in life, of what they want, of what their needs are, of what makes them an individual. You're absorbing it. You're entering into their spirit and then you can reflect it back to them. You can give them gifts. You can take them to places that show that you're attentive to them. If you give that feeling to someone, it's incredibly powerful because we all want to be validated. We all want to be recognized. So what the seducer is not someone who's all worried about him him or herself and thinking they're involved in the other person. They're absorbed like a sponge inside their psychology, inside their world.