Transcription
Foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] thank you foreign.
Ty log Galaxy date 3008.1. Captain Cornelius bought entry number 1736. We are now on the last leg of our seven year mission. We're enroute to traffic station number 28 where we are to police the transgalactic corridor. Joy and Yummies. The Infinity is on auto control with Galaxina, prime robot class number 11, on the bridge. All traffic sensors are on operational. Red alert. All primary ship functions are operational. Green. The crew, if you can call them that, is on its 72-hour rest period. This is Captain Cornelius butt. That's enough.
[Music] foreign [Music] thank you [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] [Music] he's [ __ ] what are you boy [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] that was the United Galactic Network's special program, live from Uranus, from William Tell by Rossini. We will continue with our regular program. 46. 47. Yay. 54. All right. [Music] 29. 47. 45. 40. [Music] thank you [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] [Music] hey Sarge, it's an unknown. Can I turn on the lights, siren, Sarge, please?
It won't do you any good. What won't do me any good? [ __ ] don't you know that in space, nobody can hear your siren?
Oh, go ahead. Contact the sheriff. Ask them where they're from. Good idea. I know this is private. Robert Buzz McHenry of the space police cruiser Infinity, contacting the unknown ship. Please respond. Hey, please respond. This is a space police cruiser.
I, I am ordering from the planet Accord to Mercury. Mission to the flag of China. One. May I ask the nature of your mission? No, no, you may not. Made enough. Oh, hey, hold on a minute, will ya? Hey, wait a minute. What are we gonna do now? Imagine, we can't risk starting an Intergalactic War, can we? Why don't you go ahead, contact the captain? One captain coming right up.
[Music] [Applause]
Infinity log Galaxy date 3008.15. Captain Cornelius butt entry number 1737. We are in our second cycle of traffic control.
I don't mind saying that things have been pretty damn slow. Anyway, I've just been summoned to the bridge by that illiterate Space Cowboy. I wonder what he wants. Probably wants me to change his diaper. However, there is always the possibility that this call will lead to one of the most exciting adventures of my, or anyone else's, career. Maybe it'll be a mission that will even change the course of history, and I will be the leader. The name of Cornelius butt will go down in history. You just wait and see. That's it. End of Entry.
[Music] thank you [Music]
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement, we have an unknown, sir, who refuses to state the nature of his mission.
[Music] [Applause] [Music]
I'm Captain Cornelius butt. This is the space police cruiser Infinity. I demand to know the nature of your mission.
The secrecy begins. Trouble soon follows.
I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who's unarmed. As you wish. Prepare for evasive action. Follow him. Engage the power field. Can I put on the red light, captain? You know, kid, you got a bad habit. You breathe.
Steady, steady.
Friends.
Okay, now.
Again. Just now.
How's our power field? It's okay. It's a strange kind of warfare. Not like the old days. Hey, captain, now it all depends on whose power field breaks up first. Too damn technical for me.
She's a good ship, but she's an old one. How's the field holding up? It's beginning to weaken. Power check, Galaxy. See if we can spare it. Right.
[Music] [Laughter] [Music]
I want to tell you guys that it's been a pleasure serving with you. Shut up, you worthless colony nitwit. It's not going to finish us off. He just wanted to stun us, put us out of commission for a while.
Son of a [ __ ]! If we have to die, does it have to be that? That's right. He can't risk starting an Intergalactic War. If you're right, sergeant. When we get back, I'm gonna buy you some decent smelling cigars. Of course, he's right, you nitwit. Good. Now, Buzz, you go on down the power tunnel, see how those guys are doing. I'm gonna go feed the prisoner.
I thought you were going down to the power tunnel. Why can't I ever get to feed the prisoner? We're not supposed to ask why. Why not? Because it's a goddamn order, sir.
Hi, doll.
[Music]
Cookies.
Rock eater, how you doing, furball? Your visit has climaxed an already thawed day. [ __ ] do you hear the one? The guy who runs up insane asylum. He asks the God if any crazy aliens have escaped. God says no. Why? The guy says, well, somebody ran off with my wife. What did I do to deserve this?
What's the matter? You get your crew to listen to your jokes? You gotta come down here and torment me. You don't think I have enough problems? [ __ ] to go through just for a meal. [ __ ] have a hearty appetite, my friend. How am I hungry? Hungry, they are. [ __ ] stop already. Choke on it. I really love feeding you. So much fun.
Infinity log Galaxy date 3008.17. Captain Cornelius butt entry number 1738. Nothing's new. Hey, heavy [ __ ] oh, oh, yeah. Where was I? Oh, yeah. How's it going? I mean, how long you think it's gonna take to get things cooking? Screw up the force field and you come ask us how long it'll take to fix it. Some nerve you've got. Why don't you fix it yourself? You broke it, planned cowboy. Oh, come on, Maurice. I mean, I was only asking. Are they sent me not here to ask? They don't get so all fired up. Tight. Why is everybody always picking on me? People like sea ships, fellow loudest when they fall. What's he talking about? You asking me? I hear his damn stoned-out proverbs all day long. You can tell the powers that be that old Sam, I'll have this kettle perking by morning. Soon, if you stay in hell, I'll, uh, pass on the messages. Maurice, wait. You better tell him it'll be afternoon. It's better to be early than late, right, Sam? He who promises too much too soon accomplishes too little too late, right? You got it. I'll have dinner. Sit down. I think you'll be too busy to join us, Maurice. Oh, what's the matter? We're not good enough for you? Space hockey.
Is the United Galactic Radio Network presenting 30 commercial-free hours of music, brought to you by Dr. Stanley Booth, Family Dentist, specialist in human and non-human dentures. Be it fang or two, your best bet is Booth. Hello, back to our music. Delightful. I love this time of day. Did I tell you the one about, about the man who ran into a restaurant?
And, uh, and the waiters said, uh, do you want to eat it here or take it with you? The man said, both. That was really funny, sir. Yeah, boy, that was, uh, really funny, sir. Man, it was, ah, delightful. Oh. [Applause]
I'll take this one. Wine. It's time for the wine. And I love a good wine. Venusian Thunder Ripple 2001, a great year. Rick, thank you, Sergeant Thor. It was my pleasure, sir.
[Music] thank you, Sergeant Thor. They don't want you touching the merchandise, man. Why did they make her like that? Why didn't they build around a pin stove pipes? You know that is forbidden for Space Police to fraternize with machines. It's against the laws of nature. You might go blind. Gentlemen, a toast. May we be slaves to nothing. To nothing. To nothing. What, what our duty, but our duty? And, and that's it, boy. Nice enough. Yeah. Me too. Oh, boy. I probably won't be able to eat for another year. Oh, where did you get that egg, McHenry? Is that an authorized egg? Yeah, I found out what the rock eater's belongings. He probably stole it from somewhere. What do you think laid it, sir? Let me have it. Sure, sir. A real egg. You know, people used to eat these things. Difficult to imagine, isn't it? Oh, it sure is. I can't imagine it. In fact, the whole idea is revolting. It makes me nauseous. It turns my stomach. Enough, private. Oh, may I? You're not gonna eat it, are you, sir? Why not? I don't know. It makes me nauseous. It turns my stomach. I really don't think you should eat it. Right. Sure. You don't know what kind of an egg that is. You don't know where it's been or who laid it. Nonsense. People concern themselves with where eggs came from. They never would have eaten them. All right, he's joking. What should I do? I won't get in trouble for this. Are you sure? Promise. It's an order. Okay, then. Let's meet the crap out of the old bastard.
[Music]
Oh God, that was awful. Oh, that's disgusting. I told you so. Nobody ever listens to me, and usually I'm right. Get that egg. Oh, where's that monster? Is it gone? Oh, I need a drink. Oh, you guys hit me. You hit me very hard. You did it on purpose. I know, but I'll get you. I'll get you. I'll get you. I'll get you. I'll get all of you. Everything. Thanks. I needed that. Here comes a child. Cena, baby. How you doing? Did you look at that ass swing? Too bad she ain't human. No, about the woman like clock preaching face, pretty hands, pretty movement. Not hard to regulate when she gets out of order. Yeah, sure. Sam, wings ain't good for nothing. Can't even fly anymore. Wanna bet they had steak upstairs? Hey. Ah, very sorry. Damn. Look at that.
[Music]
Hi, Galaxina. I really have to talk to you for a while, if that's all right with you. I know you can't talk, but you can listen. Very beautiful. I don't know if it's because we've been out here for so long, but I think I'm starting to fall in love with you. I know that sounds crazy. After all, you're a machine and I'm a human being, which is just another kind of machine, really. You're very lovely, and I've got to make it. I just gotta kiss you. I know I'll get a shock if I don't. Know what to do. I can't stand it. It was worth it.
[Music]
Oh, it's time for the Holocaust. Maybe it'll be Alexia this time. Hey, where's the captain? I don't know. Probably asleep in his quarters. Hey, hi guys. Hello, Alexia. Hi, darling. How you doing? How you boys doing? We're doing. What's happening? Oh, the commander wants to talk to you boys, but, um, first, I've got a little something for you. Yeah, what's that? Well, I know what it's like for you guys up in space for so, so many years without a real woman. Galaxina's okay, but frankly, I don't know how you do it. I really don't.
[Music]
Hey, is she gonna do what I think she's gonna do? So, I've got a little treat for you. A little something to hold you over. Four. That's it. Touch me. Touch me. Oh, that feels good. Oh my God, you guys are something else. It feels so nice.
Quivering volusion blubber cups. What is going on here? I've never seen such an immoral display in my career. You call yourself Space Police? If a jackass at both your brains, you'd be a very dumb jackass. And you, your brains need a brassiere. So the commander wants to speak with you. Commander, bye guy. Bye, darling. Thank you, Captain Cornelius Butt. Commander Gravity. The name is Guarantee, sir. Oh, it's not quibble. It must be enough that I respect and admire you. What is the meaning of this communication? Well, but the infinite is going to make a little side trip. Side trip to where? I'm to one else are one. That's right. But Commander, it'll take 27 years to get to Al to one. I am aware of that. But sir, my mother's gonna be a little old lady by then. Sir, you knew what you were getting into when you joined the private, and so did your mother, I assume. Would you prefer a discharge right now, in private? I could arrange that. However, you would still not be able to leave the ship for 27 years, and of course, your pay would stop immediately. Oh, no, no, no. I'll stay, sir. Do you realize we won't get back to Earth for 54 years? I do. But just think of the overtime. But who's got the time? So 0833 hours.
[Music]
The 54 years. Who's got 54 years to kill? I realize you're concerned. However, this mission is imperative. And besides, you do have your previously chambers, sir. What is the nature of this mission? Well, Captain, we think someone has discovered the blue star. The blue star. The blue star. When you arrive on Alpha One, you have to contact an Earthman named Frank Future. He is holding a sample of the rock. He also owns the saloon in town and will be easy to find. However, need I tell you how important this mission is? This mineral has the power of the stars within it. It could revolutionize the civilized sectors of the universe. I'd like to tell you how proud the men and I are that you have chosen us. It shows great skill and tremendous foresight on your behalf that this difficult mission should be given to all of you. We're the closest. Gotcha. In view of your long journey, I have authorized the 24-hour furlough on the rec station. Galaxina will receive the coordinates for Altoona. Good luck and goodbye.
[Music] videos [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] hahaha [Music] good thing because we don't, except for at the end. No more too unstable and neglected mountain. Well, Vice Stanfield and talk. You must be all tired.
[Music]
All right.
[Music] foreign [Music] [Music] madam [Music] [Music] thank you everybody [Music] [Applause] thank you [Music] [Music] hey bud, hey, come on, let's go. Cheek. Next time you pass my house, I'll appreciate it. I've had a wonderful time, but it wasn't tonight. [Applause] [Music] thank you [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] Galaxy date 3008.2. Captain Cornelius bot entry number 1739. Well, today we set course for Altar One. We will enter our cryosleep chambers for the 27-year journey. It's too bad the Infinity is an older ship without hyperdrive. Hyperdrive is neat. See all those colors and lines? All the new ships have hyperdrive. With hyperdrive, we'd make the trip pretty quick. Well, you take what you can get. Anyway, Galaxina's in control of the ship. We never did find that ugly little monster from the egg. Well, gotta go. I wonder what happened to that little ship monster. Makes me crawl.
[Music] [Music] oh [Music] no [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] Grandma, can you open this jar of pickles for me? I'm sorry, dear. It's my arthritis. I can't open that jar of pickles for you. Oh, Grandma, what more can I say? No, you didn't tell us anymore, Grandma. We all know what pain is, don't we? Well, now arthritis pain can be gone forever with Johnson's new atomic-powered magnesium claws. That's right. With Johnson's new atomic-powered magnesium claws, arthritis pain will be gone. We guarantee it. Grandma, can you open this jar of pickles for me? Sure, kid. Why not? That's right. Johnson's new atomic-powered magnesium claws. Your arthritis pain will be gone forever. And arthritis pain, and have super strength. For more information, please write Claw, United Federation, Post Office Box Zero One Ten One Two Three, New Houston, Ismap, Pluto, A765449P.
[Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] adjusted my temperature.
[Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] me too. What year is it? 3035. I got 3033. This thing's slow. Hey, bro, did we just earn some overtime, or did we? I'ma retire a rich food. It's just like poor oil painting, richly framed. Hey, how you doing, Sam? Oh my God, he looks like Rip Van Winkle live. Just one damn thing after another. Let me help you out, sir. I'd like to help you out twice. You come in, do it yourselves, sir. Where'd he go? Where's the captain? Where's the bathroom? It's not down here. 104.9.
[Music] 100. One three four. Startle me. Shock. There was no shock.
All right, I've reprogrammed my shocking mechanism. Can't talk in a program with the dog. I am now. I've done it myself. I had 27 years to work on it.
I've done it for you.
I love you, Sergeant Thorne.
All right, you're not cold anymore. You're warm and soft like a human woman. I've adjusted my temperature.
And better than a human.
Do you like my voice very much? I can change it if you wish. Oh, please don't. And just call me Sovery. Rather, your every wish is my command.
I'll see you later.
Oh, [ __ ]
[Music] She's gotta [Music] whoever built her sure forgot something, right? Now.
[Music] [Laughter] [Music] foreign [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] all right [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] what is this? Philadelphia? My aching wings, man. Who get Whiplash? Get rich quick. Mm-hmm. Go to the town and find Frank Future.
I'm sorry, you'll have to go it alone, Galaxina. We know you can do it. Whiplash requires care. Another thing, Alexina, due to an excessive amount of infrared rays on the planet, the atmosphere is very strange. When the sun is up, every color changes. In daylight, the blue star will be red. At night, it returns to normal.
Outer one is entirely inhabited by the scum of the universe, settled by Earthmen over 500 years ago as a penal colony. To please be careful.
[Music] very strong [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] foreign [Music] are you Frank Future? Her name's Mr. Spot. Frank Future.
Oh, yes, I remember him. Oh, you do? Yes, he was delicious. Delicious lady was roasted. Maybe post. I'm sorry, I can't seem to remember. What do we have? Oh, how about a cool drink? Perhaps a blood shake or plasma coolant with some chill lady fingers on the side. Oh, you're all disgusting. Now, now, my pretty robust. Would you know? Robots do not have emotions. You're beginning to act human. I'd like to see Frank Future's room if I can. Why not? Upstairs, second door on the right. Are you sure you wouldn't like a drink?
[Music] [Applause] [Music]
You must be Galaxiana. I've heard a great deal about you. So we meet at last. Order from more Drake. You are very beautiful for an automata. And what about you, baby? Take off your mask and let me see your face. This is my face. I'm sorry. That's all right. I presume you are looking for the blue stars. What's that? What's that? Who's here? Who's here? The blue stars. What is this [ __ ] [ __ ] is mine. With it, I will control the universe. Leave it alone. However, do you fear me? What are you doing? A mere Earth creation. I will understand. Oh, then I must hold it. Hold it. If it will give you satisfaction. What are you doing? Stop turning around. Let's go for coffee. Please stop.
[Music]
Thank you very much.
[Music]
All right.
[Applause] [Music] the blue star is my gets. Stopped.
[Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you [Applause] [Music] hey, cool then, man. She can take care of herself. But besides, even if she can't, we can always requisition another machine. She's not just a machine, bad boy. Come on, Thor. That's coming. She's just a damn machine. Yeah. Oh, that's better. Once a machine, always a machine. Hey, you're just kidding, man. Just kidding. What's your machine? Let's send out for pizza, huh? You deserting me too, huh? Buzz, it's not just the machine. I mean, she's not a machine. Get sausage. I'm gonna go find it. Extra cheese. Anybody coming with me? Italian sausage, a couple thick crust. You out of your good man. Always been a sucker when it comes to love. No anchovies. Imagination given to young man to compensate him for what he's not saying. Will you shut the [ __ ] up?
[Music] thank you [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] I stand before the great God Holly David, son, image.
Please protect us. Our ancestors were the first outlaws that were sent to Altar One. Earth motorcycle gangs. Now, we, their descendants, will rule the universe. In my hands, I hold the blue star.
The key to great well. And when the sun rises in the west, this sinner will be sacrificed to the great hog in the sky. Holly David, son, our Lord and Master, our brave and image, please protect us. Our time has come. With the blue star.
I, Chopper, will be able to rule this planet. [ __ ] I'll be able to rule the whole [ __ ] universe. Oh, I'll tell you, I sure am hungry. Who would have thought we'd find a human restaurant in an old hick town like this?
[Music] foreign [Music] this is not exactly our kind of human restaurant. No, I really wasn't even hungry anymore, anyway. Hey, buddy, what do you want for the jukebox? It's worth a fortune. It's an antique.
[Music] foreign [Music] [Music] foreign [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] bunny flop, you shut up. Turn the key and kick this.
[Music] [Applause] they've stolen our Lord. This, this is impossible.
Hey, no shoes may hit the Lord.
And this thing going faster.
[Music] foreign [Music] I guess we're at a few minutes.
Please protect us. Thank you.
[Music] foreign thank you for delivering the blue star. I thought I destroyed you. I have an excellent mechanic. But let us not waste any time. Captain, set a course for my planet. More drinks. That's a suburb outside of Philadelphia, or is it Pittsburgh? Anyhow, they make good pizza. Go up to Uranus. Right, left, left, right, left. Oh, get crazy. You can't turn left and right. Eat for bars. Nice bars. Come on now. Eat the bars. The bars. Eat the bars. I don't need bars. I'm a rock eater. Rocky, the stony bars. Bar eaters eat bars. Rock eaters eat rocks. That's how we get our rocks off. [ __ ] why don't you go play in the black hole? Or come on. Yeah.
[Music] anyway, it's too sweet. Come on. I think you're a sweet, too, baby. You want to see my etchings? Just another pebble on the beach. Who needs this [ __ ]? Telly grew a little boulder. Give me a break. After all, I did eat the Queen's jewels. Maybe he was hungry. Are you beginning to talk like a human, baby? You better cool it. He's a criminal. He ate the Queen's jewels. Do we have stores all over the Galaxy? That's Happy Hour Spirits. We're there when you need us most. And now back to our ancient movie of the week, the 20th Century's first spaceship on Venus. Look at those bubbles. It could be a kind of organic life. Please.
[Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] foreign yeah, only you. And you know what? I forgot to tell you. Really. I can work comes with a guarantee.
Thank you there.
[Music] [Applause] [Music] marriage. Oh, okay. I must be hearing things.
We'll find a way out. What's going on? Don't shoot.
[Music] [Laughter] [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] well, what do you know? Maybe it thinks you're to mother. You are, in a way. Shut your mouth. Who kisses his mother like that? Oh.
[Music] foreign Blue Star back to Earth for testing. Oh, gonna be rich. And there's plenty more where that came from. Well, that's good. We're gonna need it. Sunny attack.
[Music] all right.
Infinity War Galaxy date in 1942. Lieutenant Cornelius but entry number. Where are we? What is this? A space. An entry number.
This is Corny Butt. Is this Philadelphia? Hey, Buzz, you forgot the pizza. I bet you brought the answer, please. I didn't want the answer, please. That's why everybody's always picking on you. What's that music? Hey, I'm throwing an entry here. When you bring it down.
[Music] lower now. The other way, you idiots.
I like hyperspace. The colors are so pretty. And then the thud. And then the wish. The woosh. How's the field holding on, boys? Well, boy, so fuzz nuts ate the blue star. Shut up. We have to go back to Altar One and find more blue star. Who's there? What's going on? Who's making that noise? This is Cornelius but, mayor of Philadelphia. When we get back to Altar One, I'm gonna go to the beach and putt the Red Sea while the others go look for more of the rock. Hey, I didn't say it. Blue star, dummies. Dummies. Did you hear me? Galaxy is very pretty for a robot. Hey, hey, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like to blow her fuse.
[Music] yes. All right.
[Music]