Transcription
Where's um? Where's my in case I have any thoughts that I want to write down? And cuz I, I, oh, no. I just have my therapy notebook cuz sometimes I have some thoughts that I want to write down, but I don't want to interrupt you. So, I'll just write them down.
By all means. Um, if you need to stop and interrupt and ask questions or me to elaborate or you like some insight, um, yeah, feel free to ask. But all right, so what I hear to kind of summarize, it sounds like it was a date night and, um, it was upsetting to you.
Yeah, it it it didn't sound the way they made it sound was like it was friends just hanging out. And that's okay. Um, I didn't mind about the Hippie Hollow because even if I do bring it up, I didn't really mind because I already went with them and I know what that's like. It's not really sexual in nature. Um, it can turn sexual in nature if you allow it, but I know John wouldn't allow it. Um, and I don't think Eddie would want to either. Kind of. Not sure about that one. Um, so I wasn't worried about Hippie. I wasn't I was surprised that Jon slept on their bed, but it was they were tired, so I understand. So, I mean, I get it. It It's not that big of a deal. Um, but the movie part I felt like that was um I don't know. I really wanted to see that movie with them for the first time. Like it was a I wanted to share that experience of seeing it together and it meant a lot to me.
But was it?
It it didn't happen. What um what movie was it asking?
Scary Movie Six. I've watched all the scary movies and this one was coming out and I was just super excited for like a long time to see it.
Oh, wow. Yeah, I can see that. All right. And um I think you made an interesting statement when you said like um like you understood. So we using the word like understood as a way to maybe cope with not allowing you to be upset or you said I understood like a few times. Uh, how are you understanding it?
Like, I when I have to break it down. I mean, they went to Hippie Hollow, which is fine. There's nothing really wrong with that. They're just going to nude beach and just getting a tan. It's not sexual. So, kind of I get that. Like, it's not sexual in nature. So, there's nothing for me to worry about there. the sleeping in bed. I mean, they were out there for who knows how long. Probably a few hours and in the water and when you're in the water, you're floating. You're doing cardio, so you're going to get tired. So, I understand them going back to Eddie's place and crashing out. So, I get that you're tired after you do cardio. It's understandable. And what I and I mean Eddie did buy special tickets, so they got good seats. They got a poster and free popcorn. And I understand John didn't want to waste that. All right. Now, could be wrong. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. But it sounds like Does Eddie have Eddie has his own place?
Correct.
Eddie does have their own place. Um, they share with her mother though. So,
okay. So, that could have just been the end of the day right there. So, so they went back to his place or their place, which is Oh, okay. Cuz he's with his I get it now. Eddie went back to John John's place.
No, Eddie went back to his place. He lives Eddie lives with his mother and John John also went with Eddie. So, they both went back to their home.
Oh, so they sh So, they have the same pronouns is what I'm Eddie is a he him. John is they them. Yeah.
Okay. You said he him. Okay. Cuz you say he went back to their place. So I was like I thought Eddie was they them.
Yeah.
So John John and Eddie went back to Eddie's place who he shares with his mother. Yeah. There.
Okay. I was like And that's always question. I'm like wait. So he went back to John's place. Got it. All right. Um so and that's how you understood and processed the events. Um but it seems like the most the most concerning thing was simply just the the movie.
Yeah. Cuz they even they even knew that if they would have waited one more day, we would have gone to see that movie together. And they did offer to go watch it again. But um I mean the experience was kind of gone. They already knew it was gonna happen. So like what's the point of seeing another movie again?
I know I know it sounds like you were pretty heard about it. Um what did John say after you kind of told them like, "Hey, you're supposed to be going to that movie or like um how did you discuss it with John?" What did that sound like?
Um, they were scared to tell me because they feel like um they can't really talk to me about what they do with their gay friends um already because I will react negatively. And I guess I kind of do sometimes when it's people who they have had an a sexual romantic relationship with. So that is true on that aspect. But like Dave talked about gay people and gay friends and I've never once like I don't I don't feel some type of way about that.
Yesterday they were talking about her friend Royce. He's gay but I didn't really feel insecure or worried about him. He's just a gay friend. But Eddie's a old sexual partner and I wrote down in my notes, I don't think Eddie did it on purpose, but to be honest, I'm not sure. I'm just hurt, but that's it. It feels like John John chose Eddie over me to be honest. They knew I was I was looking forward to waiting there. They knew they I was looking forward to watching the movie with them, but they didn't say no. And I think I wanted them to choose me over him, but they didn't. Um, yeah, that's Yeah, that's it for that. So
then go ahead.
So they um they just didn't want to tell me at the beginning, but they decided that it's better that I find out through them than through someone else.
Whoa. Okay. Um, so they went to the movies and then they didn't tell you for some time or they told or
they told me like
like right after
they told me the night of so like at 1:00 in the morning cuz I was work I was working a 24-hour shift.
Oh wow.
Mhm. So they told me that and um at the end of my shift. So yeah, it hurt but I mean there was nothing really I could do. Couldn't really be angry at them. I mean, anger is not going to solve anything. I was just hurt and I briefly considered just like bottling it up. Um, one thing they did tell me was they didn't want to hear about my therapy. They didn't want to hear about um my medication because it seemed like I talked about that a lot with them. So, so it feels like a 180 there. So, I really considered just stop just I considered just to stop talking about my emotions and therapy and things like that. But I'm not going to do that because that's what I did with my previous relationships and it always ended up with us getting distant and then breaking up. And I'm I just don't really know how to traverse that.
Um, you traverse you traverse it by still talking about the things that are important to you. Um, I I don't I don't see how your I don't see how you could be okay with I'm not talking like specifically pointing my finger at you, but like I don't understand how someone would be okay with someone doing something that causes hurt and anger and then having to suppress their emotions to be okay with someone doing something that is hurtful, then turns around and says like, "Hey, I don't want to talk about I don't want to hear her talk about anything that is important to you.
I guess because it revolves around my jealousy and insecurities and it's been a constant problem. And one thing they did tell me is while I do acknowledge the problem, I don't I don't really dissect it. I don't really mle it over. I acknowledge it. I see it. But I don't break it down. I don't really contemplate it. I don't I don't break it. Yeah. I don't break it down.
And I don't really know what that even looks like. That like what what does breaking something down look like? What what what am I supposed to get out of that?
Assumptions.
What I hear is that you're not What I hear is that you're not breaking it down for someone for them to be the center of the conversation.
I don't know if it's that. I just don't I don't process my emotions or my thoughts. Like I I don't know. I just They told me I don't process my emotions. Yeah, that's the word they use. Process. I don't process my emotions. I just I fester with them.
No. Um you process your I mean I see you maybe maybe you act totally different when you get off of a like a session. But I mean, if you didn't know how to process your emotions, you probably wouldn't be as good as your job as what you do as Don't tell me S1, S2, S3, S. No, S1.
Yeah.
Okay. I'm going through I'm going through all I'm like, okay, it's not the intelligence, it's not operations, it's not supply, which is S4. Okay, S1. So, if you weren't able to process your emotion to regulate your emotions, you probably wouldn't be doing as well of a job as you do as a as a specialist. Um, you wouldn't probably be going to school. Um, and how's school watch how's school going?
School's going going good. I just have one assignment that's due today that I'm like 75% done with. So,
okay. So, I mean, if you weren't able to process your emotions, you probably would have the party dropped out of school and not even signed up for school. Uh, and if you weren't able to properly process your emotions, you probably would have been already booted out of the military for not conducting the coming of a soldier. Um, so if you didn't have the ability to process your emotions, you probably wouldn't have uh such a stellar career that you have thus far. But I do have a jealousy problem and I do have insecurities and they are becoming more and more of an issue. Um, I do try to logic my way out of it, especially with Eddie. I logic my way through Patrick and I met Patrick and I'm not jealous or insecure word about Patrick anymore. It's just Eddie now. He's the only person that like he just he's the only person who makes me feel insecure and jealous.
Running don't think that um I I don't see it as insecurity or jealous. Um I just think it's your body's natural reaction of a perceived threat.
Cuz I I agree with that because I even told Jon that any normal person would feel the same way I do. Like I get that they you're they're your friend, but y'all have history. Y'all have had a y'all had a sexual relationship. you all dated for some time on and off, but you still dated on and off. On top of that, he um he still wants to be your friend and he and I know it was a while ago, but he still tried to make you choose between me and him. Any normal person would honestly I feel like people would leave after that. And I'm not saying I want to leave, but it's just Yeah, most people would just leave. Most people wouldn't want to deal with that.
Yeah, I think you're you're on to something, especially when someone that is not validating your emotions. Um, and then you figure someone's not validating your emotions. What I see it's it's not providing a safe place for you to discuss your emotions.
And then taking what you have what you're experiencing what you have experienced in life whether it's through your family your dad um what between you and your mom um those are valid emotions and I would hope that someone who has a partner um would want to talk about these things um obviously your partner is is not your therapist But these are the things that are important to me. Why should I have to stop talking about these things that are important to me? But I have to listen to your sexual encounters with other people.
And we did talk about that.
We uh what was his response?
Um, I think it was a while ago I texted that. It was last week, I believe. But, um, I sent them a message or I called them. I don't know what it was, but um, I pointed out that they talk about their exes and their previous sexual experiences a lot around me and it's starting to feel No, it it's almost every time I'm around them, they um, they talk about it at some point in the day. sometimes even multiple times a day and they acknowledged it and they they apologized and they said they'd had to talk to their therapist about that.
Yeah.
But um this weekend even though we
changed since then?
say again?
what has changed since then?
Not much to be honest. So he apologized, acknowledging he's still talking about it.
Yeah. I mean, yeah. No, we uh when we went to when we went to get sushi with our friend on Saturday, they talked about it. Sunday when we were at the movies, they still talked about it. Even Friday, they talked about it. Um,
is it the same person or different individuals?
Different individuals.
Oh, wow.
Yeah. So, it's it um yeah, I just try to block it out or I let them know like, "Hey babe, I didn't need to know that." Or maybe I'm saying it like too kindheartedly and they're not taking me seriously. But it it does it does bug me. And they also asked about when I was going to go back on my anxiety medication because they didn't like the way I spiraled or got anxious easily, which to me I was like, cool, I get that. Um, but in my mind, it also felt like, oh, you want me back on my happy drugs, so you don't have to deal with this side of me. At least that's how I took it after like a few days of thinking about that.
Yeah, I think you make a valid point. It's um let's not see uh another version of Carlos that will allow him to express some emotions that I don't want to deal with.
Yeah.
It's almost like, you know, you see kids and they take kids and they just give them a tablet and tell them to go play in the corner somewhere. So they're they don't bother to their parents.
Yeah.
Similar to similar to that um and so even if you were to get off back on your medication um what type of support am I getting now that I'm back on my medication? So what will what will change? uh am I still going to not be supported? Um you know with therapy and medication they both go hand in hand together. So if I take my medication I probably you know will either talk more about my therapy in light of my pleasure or my pleasurable experience talking and processing my emotions. Um, so I I guess you know, what is it that what what do you what does he feel will change if you get back on your medication?
I don't overthink. I don't spiral as easily. I don't worry too much about them leaving me. Um, I focus better on other things to keep my mind busy instead of thinking of like, you know, um, about all the Hawkeyes I've been with and, um, Eddie, you know, and it also does feel like even yesterday we talked about Eddie and the day before that we talked Eddie.
Yeah, I um
So,
their closest friends are Maddie. Oh, my bad.
No, go ahead. You say his friends are what?
Their closest friends are Maddie and Renee.
And I know they're the closest friends because I've met them and they've been together for a bit and they've always been there for him. But John John talks less about Maddie and Renee. He talks more about Eddie even though they've only like what's what's the difference? You don't really like you talk so much about Eddie but not about Renee and Maddie and they're your supposed best friends.
Yeah, I can see that. Um, and I think I like what your goal with this is that um I I think what you're doing now hopefully is start to kind of process what is going on because it it sounds like what happens is I think you made a valid point. Do you feel like you you get into therapy and that like It's not only you. It's like I get into therapy, I feel supported and, you know, like happy and like motivated, but then when I have to work on some of these problems, um, I kind of get like afraid, nervous, or I feel less motivated when it's time for me to work on my problems outside of therapy. I mean, how do you how do you take it or how do you see it?
That sounds about right. I don't really feel as um it's hard for me to like it's easy for me to write it down, but it takes really long. And if I speak about it, it's just it's hard to keep myself on track. When I speak to you, it's easy to keep myself on track because you were leading me not leading me to a direction, but like helping me stay on track on one certain area. Not just how I not let me branch out.
Now, what is it? What is it like when you I'll get you where I'm going with this in a second, but what does it feel like once you leave therapy and you have your book full of notes or you have these you're reading these uh the chapters that I send you. What does it feel like after you get out of a session and it's like, "Hey, I got some things to share what we talked about or this some things that got uh brought to light that I like talking about like what happens at that moment when it's time for you to talk or share about your experiences with John."
I'm excited to share what I learned about myself and I really would love to like engage with them and you know talk more about how I feel and you know help me improve but um like I I I want to like let them know what's going on with me. I want them to I just want to share. I want to grow. I want them to be a part of that growth of me. But um it seems like I'm turning them into my therapist I guess in their eyes when in reality I just want them to listen and you know point out any negative things that I might be missing or provide some validation.
That makes sense. Um, the only reason I I bring that up is if someone that you confide in and you bring your problems and concerns to, it doesn't sound like you're coming to him with like problems, per se. It's more so like, hey, this is what um I've been discussing and I really don't need you to validate my feelings. I'm just telling you the things that maybe I've learned about myself. And the moment someone says to you or in general, in lack of better terms, great f your feelings per se. um that usually nine times out of 10 means that they could be a source of the problem that is continue to exasperate some of your mental health concerns. So, if I'm able to somehow manipulate situations to how I talk about my feelings, that makes it look like I'm a problem. Am I Am I actually the problem or am I just asking for you to listen to what I've been working on?
I feel like Um I I feel like I I don't know. Do I bring problems to the table when I talk about it? I might. Um because honestly they all when I do talk about it, they're like, "Okay, cool. That's kind of the response I get.
So, say for example, let's um let me better to better understand things. I I like to also like little things sometimes. So, you just get out of session, right?
And like I'm John John and you know and action action. So, um you just get out of a session or maybe you you just come over or we finally get to meet in person um after you know you only you see him on the weekend. So, it's Saturday night uh Friday night or whatever night it is and you know you bring up your issues, you talk about therapy. Um, how is that? How does that look?
Um, I'll go with, for example, if I were to bring this issue up now, I would start with I talked to Dr. Terry about how I felt about the movies when you went to with Eddie. Um, and I did feel a little set, like I felt like second choice, even though I knew you wanted me to, even though I told you I wanted to hang out, and even though I told you it was okay that you could go, even though you have you went, um, it still hurt, but it's it's done and it's in the past. that.
Okay. And then if I was John John, I'd just be like, "Okay, cool." Is that where the okay cool comes in?
Yeah. They they would probably say something along the lines of, "Okay, cool. Why are you bringing it up then?"
Okay. And then, okay,
I would
cool. Why are you bringing it up then, Carl? I'd respond with it's just something we talked about and um I just um just wanted to let you know we talked about you know how I felt. Um I know we discussed about it but it still hurts. Um but yeah, just want to let you know I'm still working on it. And then they probably respond with if you're still working on it, why are you telling me? Are you trying to guilt trip me? And I just give up from there. Just shut down.
Okay. Now, now in terms of tone, you typically bring that do you have the same tone like you just did? Is that your typical tone when you approach John? John, is it like is that your normal tone?
Yeah, I'd say so. I try not to raise my voice or sound too enthusiastic because that can be taken as like aggression and I don't want that.
Yeah.
And then I I'll go back to that in a second. You made a good uh good point there. And then when you talk to my head right now, uh when you speak with John, John, do you typically give him like the same head and eye contact as well too?
Sometimes it's over the phone. Um but when we do see each other and we do talk about it, I usually hold them or I I'm holding them. I'm not really looking at them. We're not really standing. I just hold them or we're in a car driving and we'll just I'll just talk about it and they'll just listen and give me the normal Uh-huh. cool. Or they'll just try and dismiss it with why are you talking about it? If it doesn't bother you or it happened a long time ago, why does it still bother you? like the um like I bring up a lot about Eddie trying to make them choose between myself and and them and you know their friendship. And um I've done multiple times where they said, "Why do you still care about it? Why do you feel a certain type of way? This happened a long time ago." And it's true. It did happen a long time ago, but someone tried to threaten your relationship. How do you let that go?
How can you let that go? How can you trust that person again? And that was and I was trusting Eddie. I was building that trust even though I knew what um their relationship was like back then. I accepted that they were only friends because John said they were only friends and I believe it. I mean, yeah, they are only friends now, but that was only on Jon John's side. Eddie had ulterior motives. Sounds like he still does to be honest.
The John John I don't know. I've already I've been having nightmares about John John leaving me for someone else or me catching them, messing around with someone, even though we stated like one of the rules is there's no we can't [ __ ] up people inside our own homes, especially when we're there.
Yeah. So, like I was already real broken in my dream and then they left me at the gym for someone else and then and then with everything they're doing in real life, like it's not really reassuring me. Like, yeah, you can tell me all these things. You can tell me what you're doing, but saying just saying it isn't anyone can say anything. I can say I love you, but if I don't show it, then do I really love you?
You're making some valid points there. And um it's interesting now that like you're And going back to the word aggression, I noticed how like your your tone started to get a little bit more elevated with aggression the more you talked about it. Uh, but at the moment, like when you were just talking about like if I was if I was John John and like obviously you were you, I noticed how like your your tone was very soft, quiet, docile, like no eye contact. But the moment that you started to process, you know, the reality of what what it actually is, it's like your tone had a little bit more aggression. Your tone had a little bit more your tone was a little bit more elevated, which also shows that something is affecting you, right? If it if it didn't affect you, you would have kept you would have maybe just kept a model tone or a tone that is more so a stable tone almost like how I'm talking right now if it didn't really affect you as much. But some people are good at either emotions, some people aren't. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, but sub subconsciously how I see it is that uh it's impacting you because there is a sense of uncertainty about the relationship and I feel that um like you said in the beginning it's like I understood or like I understand why or I understand why um I understand why sometimes Sometimes that can be in place of like I understand why because I want to I don't I understand why. It could also be I don't understand why simply because I don't want to avoid the inevitable or these feelings that I don't know how to process them. So it's almost like how says, "Okay, okay, okay." Yeah, it's because I'm saying okay as a fuller word to not process exactly how I feel about you going to therapy and getting help. And I I say okay because I don't want to validate your feelings and I don't want to talk about things that don't impact me and what I have going on in my life. Um, so I just say, "Okay, in order for me to kind of hold over what you have to say, in order for me to talk about how I feel that you are not doing well in therapy, because if I know that you're doing well in therapy, there's a possibility that you would have a voice and leave me. I'm just going to I'm just going to blatantly come out and say it. So, I I think maybe it's it's important to understand when someone's I'll just be I I don't like shooting recording things. I love being honest with
I I I don't like Well, for you I'm not sure you probably say this, but you know It feels like someone is playing directly in your face and you're allowing it, you know, and I've always it wouldn't be the first time um that someone especially if someone like it's not the first time I have to worry about some other person trying to get into the relationship and split me apart from my partner. It's happened twice already and it succeeded twice. Um, and both those times my ex said, "Oh, they're just a friend. I don't see them like that, etc., etc. Next thing I know, hey, um, it's either they told me this about you and now I don't like you anymore, or it's I have feelings for this person, but I have feelings for you. Can we make it work? And then it's me taking the blame or me trying to adjust myself so I can be with them.
And it sounds like that's what you're ready to do again. Um, but the good thing is that you have had these experiences again that has given you some type of insight to what it feels like to not be secure, not feel secure in a relationship, to not feel um as vulnerable in a relationship um simply because you've experienced it before. And it's not necessarily a good thing, but I I think you have some historical evidence and you have a historical background that is allowing you to understand how to move. Um, it's not necessarily some people say, you know, I had a feeling or like for you like I had a dream. That's good. You have feelings, you have you have feelings, you have a dream. Um, but not necessarily the the importance is to not necessarily go off a dream but what was that feeling like after you woke up? Uh was it a feeling of like uncertainty, anger, sadness, grief, loneliness, you know that that's just giving you some type of um feedback. Not saying that you're like a fortune teller or anything like that, but it's giving you some type of historical um not the dreams per se, but you have some type of historical evidence to know how to operate in a space because of the feelings that you you've had.
I like you said, it's happened to me before. Um, what is it that happen to me again. But I'm not saying go around feeling paranoid that um
it's just I see a trend and I'm just like I've seen this before. I have two options. I can leave which I don't want to do or I can hope for the best, have some trust like I did last time and hope it all works out. There's there's there's a lot of hope when you see like there's a lot of hope when historically
it's hope and trust already figured out what has happened in the past.
Yeah. And I don't want to think that Jon Jones's like them because I know they're not like them. It's just trends that I see that I'm seeing again and it just it makes me it scares me. I know John John saw some trends that I used to do um that their ex used to do with them on me and I and I did my best to change that and now I'm seeing one trend that's a red flag and it's just scaring me. Maybe I just need to meet Eddie. Maybe I just I don't know.
You have Eddie, haven't you? You've done everything that you've been asked to do as a boyfriend. I'm trying.
What else is there to do?
They keep saying that I don't trust them.
That I don't trust them. That I think they're a [ __ ] or that I don't like them having gay friends, which it's not true. I I do trust John. I'm I don't worry about them sleeping around 24/7. I don't worry about them, you know, what they're doing at the club. I don't worry about them, you know, any of that stuff. I don't worry when they go to Hippie Hollow. And I'm not saying this because I think about it. It's just it's fact. I don't think about these things because I don't have any reason to not trust them. But it does make me feel like my emotions are not validated when they talk about their sex life, their previous sex life. When they talk about Eddie all the time, when they tell me that we're going to watch a movie and then they decide to watch it with someone else.
Yeah.
I just don't really feel validated. And even though they tell me that they validate me, yes, they validate me through words and I 100% love them and appreciate that. But you telling me that, hey, I'm with this person or hey, I'm um I'm doing here, like cool, you're telling me what where you are and who you're with. Cool. I that's fine. It's not the problem isn't that you're out. The problem is not with who you're with. It's the fact that you keep seeing them over and over and over even though you've had history with them and like you've seen them like what twice maybe three times this week. You spend 70 what? No, you spend around like what 40 30 some 30 something hours with me a week and you spend what almost the same or more time with them? How am I not supposed to feel invalidated? How am I not supposed to be feel insecure? And you don't want to I'm not going to make them choose because if I make them choose, I'm no better than that other person. But I do want them to like cut their time with that person because I can't trust that person as of right now.
Like I said before, you're not telling them to pick or choose, but I could have only assumed that if I had a partner and I'm like, "Hey, like I'm not getting a good vibe about this this this person." Um, and I I'm not getting I'm not getting a good vibe because of what you told me about him, continue to tell me about him, and that you continue to talk about him. And then you don't invalidate my feelings, but you talk about Eddie and what he has going on. How am I supposed to feel?
Yeah. When we were when we opened up the relationship the first time, this guy found my Instagram and um Jonathan got upset. They didn't like it because I had history with the guy. They were talking to me on Instagram and he said, "Okay, I'll delete it." They told me I didn't have to. I can be friends with them because we did have hiking and working out in common and I was looking for hiking and friends to go working out and do sort of stuff with. But they felt a certain type of way. And even though they told me like that they didn't anymore, I still deleted and blocked them. To this day, they're still blocked because they felt uncomfortable. They didn't like that. I didn't like my partner being uncomfortable with the people I'm around. So, is that if I'm ever around someone who they don't like or they they don't feel comfortable around or feel like they're going to endanger my relationship, I'm going to block them out because my relationship matters more than my friendship with that person. It's wrong to say sometimes, but I'm serious about this relationship. Why would I put anyone Why would I endanger it with someone who I can who I know they wouldn't like me around? At least that's how I think. and my partner feels uncomfortable with that person around. Even if they just tell me once, one time is all you need to say. To me, one time of you saying, "Hey, I don't feel comfortable with you being with this person," is all you need to tell me, and I'll delete them. I'll block them.
Exactly. So, it sounds like you some of the things that you've done have been reciprocated towards you. No.
No. At least not the big things.
Big things. If someone's not hitting If someone's not hitting the big things, what smaller things are kind of missing?
I I don't need much to be happy in my opinion. Like, I'm very minimalist when it comes to like dating. I don't want to go on big fancy dinners. cuz I don't want to, you know, I just want to have nice deep conversations, stay at home, cuddle, maybe go on a walk outside. Like, we don't need to do crazy things. I just want to spend quality time. And they they do that. It's not hard to make me happy. But the quality time isn't what what I hear is the quality time is at the expense of what I feel is important for us to talk about and discuss a little bit. Sometimes if I just try to discuss about something that's bothering me, it will cause them to react in a negative way. Like I said, why are you still stuck on this? Why do you want to talk about this? I've already done what I can. and um and I'll just have to shut down and it just kind of ruins my day and then they move on like it's nothing cuz they've already been through this so they just move on and they have a good day and I'm just like so stuck on that but I pretend to just move on It's two minutes still.
Oh, no. No. You're all right. Um, now see something real quick just before we go. I know. Um, on your last PHQ9, we wrap up your last PHQ9. Um, cuz I hate when this pops up after just before the appointment ends. It pops up. It says, "Thought you would be better off dead or hurting yourself," which is one thing that you you put on your last, you said several days. Um, Now, as is that a as a result of the relationship or
Oh, like hurting myself or killing myself or something like that.
Yeah.
I think that was a misclick.
Okay.
Yeah, I think that was a misclick. No, suicide and um hurting anyone has not been on my mind at all
since like two years ago. Because like anytime someone clicks not not not at all and like you click several days it automatically uh it's like hey make sure you talk about the patient make sure you talk about the this with the patient. So I forgot to talk about it with you last time. So that's why I'm like hey like is everything is everything okay?
Yeah. No no I don't want to I don't want to die. Like I said there's no really there's not really a way to die peacefully except the old age. every other way is like very painful.
Um, unless you're like super rich, but that's not No.
Um, and I I don't want to hurt anyone. That's not my style.
Yeah. That's why I kind of assumed like cuz last session we left on a pretty good note. Um, and I think we're leaving on a good one now. But I I would say continue to find your voice. um because you have one. And don't let anyone take that from you. And then it sounds like Josh is okay with kind of this docile way of just moving your feelings around. Like if you're docile, like he's okay with just moving your feelings around. Um because like you said, I don't want to come off angry or aggressive or anything like that. I I think that it's important for people to see another side of you that is that shows that like my feelings matter and I matter and I I don't like how this relationship is going. Um and I I think if you kind of were more direct and even if he's like, "Hey, I don't want to talk about this or cool." Like um what's the issue with me? Can you explain to me why you talking about my issues bother you or or something like that? Um I think it's outside just tell all in all I think it's important to to question uh people's logics. I think it's important to question authority. I think it's important to question organizations. I I I think it's important to question anything or anyone if something doesn't make any sense um until it makes sense to me. And if it doesn't make sense to me, there's There's a hyper chance that something's not right.
Just Yeah. No, they just um our time's up, so I'm not going to hold you off.
No, no. But yeah, just remember, we'll meet again next week. But just like I said, remember, have a voice, use it. And like I said, also when you question people about their commitment and their level of validation. If they start to make it seem like it's your fault, push back. Ask more questions. Um, until you get the answer that you feel that you deserve. I'm all over that before I even bring it up to John John. That's uh
just let it just just let it go. Just just make a 50 cal. just charging back and just
that's kind of what I did when I talked to them about how uncomfortable I felt with what they were their past sex lives and they're talking about it.
Do it again.
Yeah, I might have to.
It's okay. You're in the military for a reason. They like they like aggressiveness. Show that aggressive side,
I guess. So, yeah.
All right.
Well, I'll check in with you next week. Okay.
Sounds good, sir.
All right. Take care.
You, too. But I feel like whenever I try to bring it still a problem because their immediate go-to is it doesn't matter to me. Why should it matter to you? Why can't you let it go?