Transcription
Since I've started coaching men on relationships, I've spoken to probably 50 or 60 guys just here in the last 6 months. And a large percentage of them are with women who clearly do not want to be with them. The relationship is over. It's been over for a long time. They've even been told by the woman that she doesn't want to be with them. And she's backed that up with some really negative behaviors. I mean, she's been nasty. Yet, a lot of these guys, a large percentage of them still want to be with her. They still love her. They still want to find a way to make it work.
This is an interesting, interesting phenomenon. Now, and I'm not sure I understand it fully, but I figured it'd be a really good topic for conversation. Are we addicted to women, or are we just afraid of being alone? That's what I want to talk about today.
I have been in a relationship with a girl or a woman going back to the age of 14 almost continuously. Seldom was there a time when I would go more than a few months without having some kind of a relationship. After my son was born, I think it went maybe a year, a year and a half, but I was still—actually, I think I still had dates. You know, I wasn't completely single all the way. So that's up until my divorce, you know, that's like 40 plus years of having a female in your life almost round the clock, almost continuously. If I broke up with a girl, or we broke up for whatever reason, my next thought was, "Okay, I've got to get a new girlfriend." Automatically, I would just start immediately seeking out a new girl, no matter what. This was just how things were. And I look back on it now and I wonder, was that healthy? Was that good? I'm not so sure. Good job, Debb. That was quite a jump.
As young adolescent men, we all have that built-in drive, that torpedo that wants to hone in on on a target. And it drives our behaviors for quite a while, for at least a decade, where everything is based around trying to find a woman. Everything in your life is about that. I think that is the natural um addiction phase where you just can't seem to get enough. No matter what it is, no matter how many times you have sex, you just can't get enough. It's just like an addiction. And it's one of those weird things where I don't know, it's like you'll do almost anything. You'll give up almost anything. You'll you'll pay almost anything. You know, when you're at that age, say between the ages of like 16 and 25 in that range, you're you're just driven beyond any natural force to go out and find a woman.
But as you get older, that natural drive begins to wayne just a little bit. And if you're still seeking a woman, say in your 40s or 50s or 60s, for that same reason that you did in your 20s, then you got to stop and ask yourself, is it really just that natural drive that's doing it, or is there something else behind it?
And I reflected on that after my wife left because it became really clear that that relationship had reached its end. And um my natural reaction was to try to find somebody else, like get on to my next girlfriend. And so I got on the dating apps and I dated a few women. And quite honestly, it was about—it was more about laziness than it was anything else. The amount—the amount of energy that it was taking to develop relationships with these women just seemed like it just wasn't worth it. You know, I was still emotionally and mentally drained from my marriage. I had all these responsibilities and financial issues, and what it was going to take to attract and have a relationship with a new woman. So, I went a way more than what I was willing to give. So, laziness won out on that one. But once I had kind of refound my bearings and I was on my feet again—again—I went out there looking for for another woman even in 2023. So this is 25. Yeah. So 2023, I went out and I met a number of women um and had a relationship with one that went on for a few months. And it was that relationship, and I—I've made a video about her. I—I'll put—put a link at the end. Um, that uh really convinced me that I did not need to have a relationship anymore. That it was my fear that was driving me. My fear of being alone that was driving me.
Because during that 5-year spell, there were months at a time when I was completely on my own and completely happy and satisfied and, you know, had a great life. After having enough time on my own for stretches of time and feeling a sense of peace in my life on my own was kind of a a unique experience. I didn't recognize it when I had it. So then the contrast of being with a woman and all the energy and time and dedication it takes to have that relationship was in stark contrast to the peace that I was experiencing when I didn't have one. And so now it's been over a year since I've had a relationship with a woman. And it has been one of the most peaceful, happy experiences of my life.
Now, I never would have guessed that this is how it would have turned out because the fear of being on my own, not having a woman in my life, and I don't know where that fear comes from. I haven't been able to identify what it is. Maybe it's an addiction. Maybe it's just a physical addiction of having somebody around you all the time or just sex. I don't know. But there's something there that is um drawing me away from my peaceful existence. And I think that's what's going on with most guys. I think that when they're faced with their wife telling them that they don't want to be around him anymore, they have a real tough time letting go, even though she said, "I don't love you. I don't want to be with you. I'm going to take you to court. I'm going to sue you." I mean, why on earth would you want to be with this woman? Come on, Debb. Quite a good dog.
It's my theory that life kind of unfolds in phases. And each phase or each stage of your life has a purpose. And if you allow one purpose to interfere with another purpose, you're going to experience a lot of conflict, or you're going to have a lot of pain in your life. Transitioning from one purpose or one phase to the other is turbulent. It always is. Any kind of change usually has some kind of turbulence that goes along with it. So, when you're young, it's natural and normal to be drawn to women and to want them to be a big part of your life and to dedicate a lot of your energy to attracting them and to getting them into your life. When you get into a a marriage and you go into this housekeeper's homemaker kind of world where you're working and you're raising a family and you're um creating this um this life for yourself that is another phase. Now, for some people, that phase goes on till the end of their life, you know, where they—they stay in that relationship and they stay in that frame of mind for the rest of their life. And that's fine. It is—that's fine, and there's nothing wrong with that. But there's also nothing wrong with moving on to the next phase of your life. And if that phase does not require another woman, accept it, understand it, follow your natural rhythms. Feel what it feels like to either be with a woman and what that energy is like or to not be with a woman and what that energy is like and decide for yourself what feels best. This is like a feedback loop that's designed to give you insights into which direction that you should be going with your own life.
And if you are pushing back against it, as I did when my wife left, I—I think I was clearly entering a phase where it was much more important for me to spend time on my own and to reflect on my life and to spend time out in the woods and do the meditation, hang out with dogs for a while and um and to kind of go through a an internal growth phase, I guess, you know, reflection on 22 years of marriage and raising kids and all that stuff. And I tried to resist it. And every time I did by going on dates and trying to create new relationships, the—the discomfort from doing that was so much that it just sort of propelled me back to my default setting, which I feel is my natural stage right now. Now, it may change in the future. I mean, it's entirely possible that it will, but for now, being single and being on my own feels healthy, normal, and natural.
Now, this is coming from a guy who has spent, like I said earlier, the vast majority of my life with one woman or another. I mean, since I was a teenager, it was just from one girl to the next to the next to the next to the next until now. And I think if you count them all up, there's like over 50 or 60 different relationships that I had, short and long, and all that—that um, you know, throughout the course of my life. And now having this time in my life to not have a relationship is um—it's more than refreshing. It's more like uh empowering. It's empowering because being healthy and confident and um secure on my own in my own skin at this time in my life is without question the best gift I've ever received.
So, as you're approaching the end of your relationship and you can feel that transition coming, don't resist it. Um, don't try to cling on to that relationship. When you know rationally and intellectually that that relationship is over and it's time for you to move on, yet emotionally you feel yourself clinging to it, that's an indication that you're um—you're pushing back against the natural tide. You know, I remember as a kid playing in the surf in Hawaii, and um if you stand in the breakers, you're going to get your ass knocked down and dragged up on the beach. But if you ride the wave, it's a lot of fun. And trust me, it's much better to ride the wave in life than it is to stand in the breakers and get knocked on your ass.
So as you're thinking about your relationship with your wife and all the uh the emotions that you have around this split, try to see it from the perspective of just moving from one phase to another. And this phase in your life of being a married man, maybe with a family, has just come to an end, and it's time for you to move on to whatever comes next. And I promise you, what comes next is going to be like riding that wave into the beach. It's going to be smooth. It's going to be fun, and you're going to enjoy it. Now, it's going to be a little turbulent at first. Those waves are going to hit you for a few times before you get the hang of it, but I tell you, once you—once you catch the wave, yeah, it's a lot of fun. And I think you're going to appreciate this part of your life just as much as you appreciated the best parts of your marriage.
So, if you have any questions, you know, if you want to talk about your relationship, you can um go to my website at johnsgriffin.com and you can sign up for coaching. Um, I've helped a lot of guys go through this transition, so I am pretty familiar with a lot of the challenges that you're going to be facing. And I think that maybe I can provide you with some insights that'll make it a little bit more smooth moving into this next phase in your life. All right, you guys, that's all I got for you today. I certainly hope you've enjoyed this video. If you have, please like and subscribe. Um, if you know someone who might benefit from this information, please share the video with them. In the meantime, I'll see you in the next video.