Transcription
How can you tell if someone is lying? There's an idea out there that you can tell if someone's lying just by looking at their face. It's something called microexpressions.
Yes, micro expressions aren't really true. They don't work in the field. They work in an interrogation setting because you can control the environment that the person is in, but they don't work out on the street. They don't work around a dinner table. They don't work when you're on a date because the person isn't being controlled by the environment. So, you have to use a different strategy to find out if someone's lying to you.
The strategy that we use is we we vet the content of what they say against the way that they say it.
Okay?
So, one of the tools that we use, just as an example, is something called feeling questions. When you ask somebody a feeling question, you're you're talking about feelings. How did you feel when you broke your leg for the first time? How did you feel when you saw your child? How did you feel on your wedding day? How did you feel the day that you got a divorce?
When you ask a feeling question, it goes into the creative cortex of the brain before it goes into the logical cortex.
Okay?
It's different than if I ask you, "What's 2 plus 2?" That goes right to the logical cortex. If I say, "Hey, do you remember when you were eight?" That's the logical cortex. When I say, "How did you feel when?" It goes right to the creative cortex, which is 10 times faster than the logical cortex.
Okay?
So, if I ask you a feeling question, I already know you are genuinely responding to my question. But if you're trying to lie, you're forcing the question through your logical cortex at the same time.
This is good. This is good.
So, when you ask those feeling questions and you see the struggle on someone's face, you see the struggle in their body language and they're trying to sort through like, I felt sad, but I don't want to tell you I felt sad. I was with another girl, but I don't want to tell you I was with another girl. I liked her more than I liked you, but I've got to find a different way of saying it. You can see that struggle. Whereas, when you ask somebody honestly and they answer honestly, their whole face responds with the emotion they're feeling.
I see. I see. So, so the key is to almost baseline with a variety of these feeling questions. Maybe throw a logic in there, one or two, and then you hit him with the actual question and you see what the processing time is. And the question should be a feeling question,
correct?
But you want to see what the processing time is
because an honest response to a feeling question requires almost no processing time. Okay?
It's almost instant in body language and in verbal response.
Okay?
Right? Whereas what you're really trying to identify isn't the lie. You're not trying to identify if the fact is true or not. You're looking for the struggle in the response. And then once you see it once, that doesn't make them a liar, but it shows that they're sensitive to that line of questioning.
I see.
And now you can you can break the pattern with a different question or you can dig into it deeper with a follow-up feelings question. And you can really start to hammer them and you can start to look for those signs of deception.
We'll use that with my boys. Going to use that with my sons tonight. So does this connect with um uh in the research I saw here you've talked about all relationships are transactional that seems like that that's the that connects. So is that your belief that every relationship, every love, romantic love, platonic love, relationships with parents, with children, your children?
It's all transactional.
All transactional.
Our relationship, Andrew, is transactional. Is it? Oh, no. I thought we were cool. Oh no.
Why Why does transactional mean that we can't be cool? Why does transactional have to mean we can't actually feel love? It doesn't mean that. When you take it through to its logical conclusion, things can be transactional and okay,
transactional and and arguably it is the transaction of the relationship that makes it more reliable because when you transact, your natural instinct is to transact in order to get something of superior value in return.
Yes.
Right. So, it's this idea that I'm going to invest my time in you because I care about you. Yes. But more importantly, it's because you benefit me in some way. And it's the benefit that you return to me that keeps me investing in you. By bringing it to the forefront, by bringing it to the the prefrontal cortex, the logical mind. Now, we can identify that it's happening and we can identify what it is that we value from the relationship, which allows us to optimize the relationship.
Okay?
with with my wife and I because we both went to the same school of training. Now we can both continually optimize our relationship because we can speak transparently about the idea of the transaction. Right? It doesn't mean we don't love each other. If anything, it means that we can love each other more because we objectively know we're getting something from this relationship that we would not get if we didn't have each other. So, with you and and your wife being transparent, what's an example of a conversation that you've had where you feel like you're getting superior value and she feels like she's getting superior value.
So, um we just got back from a a family trip to Vale. We all went to Vale to see the leaves change. It was one of my few weeks off of the road where I was able to be with the family instead of traveling away without them. And we're up in Vale and it's in the mountains in Colorado. It's beautiful. My wife is a homebody. So, we have a very nice condo and she's staying in the condo and she's drinking her hot tea and she wants to watch Netflix, but it's [ __ ] gorgeous outside. And the kids, my son is a carbon copy of my wife, so he's got his hot tea right next to her.
Brilliant. I love it. Very British.
Love it.
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And my daughter is just looking at me like, "What are we going to do?" Cuz I'm not She's not about to sit inside and watch Netflix. She wants to go to the pool. She wants to go to the park. She wants to go for a hike.
Yes. So, I take my wife and I'm like, "We're we got to go, girl. We got to get outside." And I fight. It's like a struggle to get her, "Put on your hiking boots. Put on some warm clothes. I know you're worried about the time. I know you're worried about what we're going to eat for dinner. Just trust me. Let's get out the door." And of course, I'm getting my son out the door, too. 10 minutes after we get to the park, everybody's on cloud nine.
Okay.
Right. Everybody's happy. My wife is over the moon. and she's in awe of the aspen trees, whatever else. It's a great day. We get home at about 7:30 at night. We feed the kids real quick and I'm like, "We should watch a family movie. We should It's been such a great day. You guys wanted to watch a movie earlier. Let's watch a movie now." And my wife's like, "No, bedtime's coming up. We need the kids to go to their go to bed at a normal time so they wake up at a normal time so we can have a good day tomorrow." And I fight her and I'm like, "No, it's been a great day." Like if it's if they go to bed an hour later, that's not going to be a big deal,
right?
She is keeping me from making a mistake that's going to damage us in the future.
Okay?
I am getting her to have an experience in the present that she would have otherwise missed. And that has always been our chemistry. Even in our shadow cell operation, she kept me from taking reckless risks. And I kept pushing her to find newer and more interesting targets. So I push her risk tolerance. She pulls back my unnecessary risk takingaking. And that is something that we give each other. Nobody has ever been able to pull me back off the brink. Nobody has ever been able to hold me back from what I want to do. And even though I can fight and argue with her and I can I can accuse her of of you know being a wet blanket and being a party a party pooper and and all this stuff. She she takes that criticism and she already knows it's the right choice.
Yes.
So then the next morning when everybody wakes up happy and I'm like [ __ ] girl you were right.
She she's right. But it sounds like you're saying Andrew though that it's not only acknowledging that because that was a transaction. You're absolutely right. But it's also verbalizing that. So that is that so that what your partner is aware of what value you're bringing. Is that why you do that?
It's really so that they're they're aware of the value that you see in them.
Right. That's the most important part of a transactional relationship is acknowledging for them what you see is of value. We all see value differently.
Yeah. I mean that it's it's interesting because I can't argue against that. But I will say that that is um not what society teaches us at all.
I agree.
Yeah,
that's a big part of why CIA teaches it to us because it CIA knows psychologically it's sound. You go on a date, what am I getting out of this date? Do I just get a pretty girl on the opposite side of the table? Do I just get a handsome man and an interesting conversation? Do I just get an interesting man and no interesting conversation? Am I checking my watch all the time because I'm missing my show to be here with this dude? Right.
Right. Is and and then I want to brag about it on Instagram, so I'll take a selfie with him because I want all my friends to see my hot boyfriend, but I know he's empty and I know he's shallow and I know he's he's a deadbeat. Like in terms of conversation, there's no benefit to you. If the only benefit to you is the is the selfie, you can get that benefit from somewhere else, right? But if you don't ever stop to ask yourself, what am I getting out of this? You don't have any idea how to objectively compare this against someone else.
Okay?
CIA is ruthless about making high performance teams. Everybody is psychologically analyzed. Everybody is vetted. They literally will assign teams together because they know how much conflict you will have, how much alignment you will have, and they have they have empirically categorized what the right recipe is for conflict and cooperation for this operation.
I see it. I see it. I I believe this is a look at you that I've not seen before.
It's true- w which I love for many reasons. Uh but also I think this concept is very important. Um, we do have a lot of women who watch. We need to talk. We love our fellas, but we have a lot of ladies out here. Um, and a lot of them have questions around the relationship. And I think this is giving crystal clear clarity on how to look at the relationship. But another question on the on on the transaction. What about the longevity or the future benefit? So what if you're receiving what you feel is a premium today but you don't know if that premium will be in place tomorrow or you know next year etc. Do you cut that relationship then if you can't project out the benefit?
Oh I already know how this is going to sound. I already know how this is going.
They're going to say he's cold. The CIA made him cold. So CIA teaches us that all relationships have a natural life cycle.
Wow.
There is a cycle of of um introduction. There's a natural cycle of growth. There's a cycle of peak and there's a cycle of decline. When you're trying to optimize a relationship, you want to take the introduction and the increase, the introduction and the growth, and you want to steepen that curve as much as you can, as fast as you can to get maximum benefit, to get the premium. But you're always looking for the peak because when the peak happens, you start to see a return a negative, not a negative return on investment, but a decline in your ROI.
Okay.
So, you go from getting 250% to getting 230%. Right.
Which is still more than the two of you alone, but it's not as much as the peak.
Yes.
Right.
When The reason it's important to see when that peak happens is because that's when you know you need to change something. And if you can have the kind of conversation with your partner where you can say, "I'm not getting what I used to get out of this relationship. I'm still very happy, but I used to get so much more than what I'm getting right now. I would like to make some change to get back the things that value me that I value now." Okay?
To get us back on that steep incline again.
Okay?
Right? Those kinds of what my wife and I call those hard conversations are invaluable because my previous peak with you might be 250%. And then we have a decline, we drop to 230, we have a hard conversation. I tell you what I need now. I'm a 45 year old man. I need something different than when I was a 35-year-old man. I'm a father of two children who are 12 and eight. That's different than when my children were eight and six or eight and four, right? Life changes. I want to be able to tell you here's what I need now. And then I need you to see the value in me that you make the change.
Okay?
And now our peak is no longer 250. Now our peak is 270 310.
I see it.
And then we have the same conversation again when it changes again. As aligned as we were at 27, we are not so aligned on the same categories at 45. So we've had to realign on other categories. And that's how we keep that that natural life cycle healthy because it we all will decline. You can't ignore it. You can't pretend it's not going to happen. But you also sure as hell can't accept it.
Yes.
You cannot accept when your your partner gets bored with you. Your partner lets themselves go after they promised you they'd be healthy and they like a partner that's getting fat isn't a problem because they look fat. they're a problem because when they're 65 or 70, their health may fail,
right?
And now you're going to live the last 15 years of your life alone or caring for them. You have to intercept that with a hard conversation and say, "If you see the value in me that I see in you, this needs to change." And if it doesn't change, as soon as this relationship is 180 out of 200, it doesn't serve me anymore.
And then it's time to go.
And it's time to go.
Wow. there is another relationship out there that will give you 250%.
I can't argue against it really. I can't because the way that I see that you're looking at this is a different POV from from from how I approach it, but I think it's very very uh legitimate, right? And what I mean by that is that you're using the transaction as an indicator
and then you're marrying that with a hard conversation based on that that indicator. indicator of satisfaction in essence and then you're marrying the hard conversation. And I agree. I think this is the number one issue with relationships is the inability or partners, the inability to have these hard conversations and harder the conversation, the higher quality of of the relationship. But even that in itself people don't want to have, you know. So how do you coach? How do you tell the person who knows they're not getting the benefit in the transaction? They know that satisfaction is low. They know they need to have the hard conversation. How do you equip them to have that conversation?
You can't have a hard conversation unless you understand the perception and perspective of the other person. There is something that you value about the relationship. There's something that they also value about the relationship. And there's no guarantee that the two things are the same. So, if you're coming into a relationship and all you're thinking about is what you value, you're missing 50% of the problem, you have to look at what they value. If you can't understand what they value, you have to ask them,
okay,
why are you in this relationship? What do you value? You might be shocked. Even if you think you know and you ask the question, you might be shocked what they answer. Maybe what they love about you is that you say nice things to them. Maybe what they get out of the relationship is a sense of peace and comfort. My wife swears that she gets better sleep with me in the bed than without me in the bed. I get horrible sleep with that woman in the bed. But it's so valuable to her. How am I going to How am I going to say no? I'll just spend a couple extra hours in bed if I need to. Right. Right. But you have to understand what the value is so you can speak to that value in the hard conversation with them. Hey, if you want to continue sleeping with me in the bed, I need you to come out with me more on date nights on Friday. I know it's easy for you to stay home and I know it's easy for you to turn on Netflix and I know it's easy for you to stay in pajamas, but I think you're beautiful in a dress and boots and just let me take you out once a month to start and that would mean a lot to me.
Yes.
And now she knows exactly how to fulfill my value and she knows that I recognize what she values. I even know she even knows I recognize that she values staying home and watching Netflix which we'll do three Fridays a week a month.
Yes.
Right. But you have to have that hard conversation. When you can do that, the the most powerful thing, whether you want to call it motivational or manipulation. When you show somebody you understand their point of view,
yes,
they cannot resist. I can't reject it.