Transcription
It's the whole spectacle of men doing a dog and pony show to impress women.
Welcome to another episode of Ask a Brother podcast. I'm your host Jeff St. James, and we're going to have a whole host of different people [music] from different backgrounds coming in because our way is about building a community of like-minded people that's just open to listening and hearing from other perspectives. The revolution is going [music] to be because of us.
Just a couple more questions, man, cuz I appreciate your time and your work. >> Um Many Many men are no longer showing up to these. What's it called? These singles events. >> Yep. >> A lot of men aren't going to the churches cuz they don't want to. This is my argument, and I'm going to do an episode in the near future on it. A lot of men aren't even going to a lot of churches because I think the view is if I wanted to end up with a former prostitute, escort, or stripper, I could just go to a strip club and retire her there than go to a church or religious community with these retired ones who who are going to pretend and act like that's never been their past and tell me and then tell me about all the things they don't do anymore.
So, like in your opinion, between the dating apps, Bumble president or CEO just came out and said they're going to have to change their approach because men are not as engaged anymore. Women aren't finding happiness. Men, again, men are not showing up to these singles events. In your opinion, is there any actual hope that you feel of any of this changing when it comes to relationships in the future of this society?
I actually think the men not showing up and the models starting to fail because, you know, dating apps are basically a narcissism machine. Women get like just flooded with responses. Men get ghosted constantly. That's why they're leaving. And I think men are breaking those models now by walking out, and that's the hope. I want, I want dating to fail. Uh, absolute, the whole concept of dating. Ask a woman out, where are you going to take me? That sort of thing. I would rather do what I did in my life, which was meet for coffee. >> [laughter] >> I was like, "All right, I'll spring for a coffee to get to know somebody." But once it becomes apparent that we're not two ships passing in the night, you got to bring your purse. That's all there is to it. I'm just, if I had a hundred million dollars, I wouldn't finance your life. So, you're going to, you're going to have to show up. And, and sure enough, I had women drop me like >> [laughter] >> you wouldn't believe, one right after another, until one didn't. >> Mhm, and they changed your whole perspective. >> Still with her, 24 years later.
You know what, man? There's some merit to it. The, the, and the crazy part is men are so terrified of what that would look like that men are so terrified of what that would look like to tell women from the get-go, like, like the whole, uh, did you hear about like a couple years ago when they were talking about, like, Cheesecake Factory is not good enough anymore? They like >> know. Missed that one, but if you could just fill it in with a different place, they'll be saying the same thing next week. >> Yeah, yeah. Well, basically what I was getting at was like there, because of the increase in, um, expectations, uh, one second. I just want to make sure I get this in. Uh, because of the increase, the ever-increasing expectations of what men, men need to provide. Before it wasn't actually six feet. Before it wasn't actually six figures, right? So, the, the, the demands are getting so much through the roof, guys don't realize that their superpower is literally just setting boundaries. >> Yes, it is. That is exactly right. >> And you just said it. When I think dating apps for most men, I think even asking women out multiple times, I would even argue showing up to many of these singles events, this is all just, uh, uh, humiliation ritual. >> Yes, it is. >> I think it is a humiliation ritual to try to convince people by and large that don't even like you. Uh, my wife was just telling me about a friend of hers, uh, with this guy that was in a guy and a girlfriend and then going through all this drama and all her list of demands. And as I'm listening, I was like, "Oh, she don't like him." She don't like him because it's like, it, it, it, you and me know when a woman really likes you, you don't need anything. Like if you say, "Hey, let's go to McDonald's," she'll go with you. She just wants to, "Hey, I'm going to the mall real quick," and she'll just be happy to just tag along with you. Not even having expectations. She'll window shop with you. So, I, as much as I love what this space is doing to be encouraging men to take better care of themselves and like literally making noticeable improvements to their mental health, their physical health, their financial, um, uh, acumen and everything, it, it's still setting them up to convince them that like, you still have to convince these women to now see all this stuff that I have now. Now you should like me. And I'm like, I, I've said it before, man. The equivalent of that on a much grander scale is the men that make it in the leagues, the men that make it into Hollywood, the men that become, reach a certain social status or or or or, you know, social, social title and status. And now they get access to women that they would have never been able to get access to. Right. And you're never, ever going to know until you lose that stuff, whether or not she actually really wanted you for you. I, it, it, it frustrates me, man. It me.
Well, yeah, it is. And, and the, I, I love the term humiliation ritual because it's, it's not just the dating apps and dating events. It's the whole spectacle of men doing a dog and pony show to impress women. The, the, the, there's not like, "Can we get to know each other? Can we get connected in some way and, and maybe find out what we have in common and what we don't have in common?" Uh, but it's like, "How do I impress you?" And I equate it to a seal balancing a beach ball on its nose, clapping flippers in order to get a piece of fish. That's what men reduce themselves to in this pursuit to impress women and to gain their approval. And I'm like, I tell men, "Guys, that's terrible. Terrible approach. You're setting up a dysfunctional relationship. And the women that respond to that the most do not respect you. Guaranteed."
Wow. Wow. I appreciate that. And the final question I wanted to ask you, with everything that we've kind of covered and, hey, like this is why you, you, one of the original OGs in this space because, and this is why your voice again matters, man, because it's like, you know, I'm, I'm currently working on my project and I got to quote you a few times based on some of the bars you spit even tonight. Um, with what is, with what the current era of the manosphere is, the digital idea exchanges that's going on, what should men in your opinion actually be working on more than anything else? And, and then also, what are the realistic goals we as men should be putting our time, energy, and resources towards if we do want to change anything in, in society?
I've written in my end, I'll do a shameless plug for repairing the manosphere. It's a Paul Elam channel on YouTube. Invite anyone to come watch it. It's a new podcast I've done three times now. But one of the taglines I have for this is the triple A's, agency, autonomy, and accountability. >> Yeah. >> That's what I suggest men work on. Work on their own lives, work on their own value, work on seeing their own worth outside of what a woman approves of. I think men should go their own way for a couple of years and swear it off, get their lives centered, their self-value centered, >> Mhm. >> and get then guess what? They're not going to be clapping flippers anymore in order to impress a woman. And they're not, and they're, they're not going to be ignoring the red flags. Once you get a taste of what actual freedom is like and what, what actually, you know, living your life for you is like, >> Yeah. >> you're not going to, you're less likely anyway to let some other person come in and start calling shots and telling you what to do and why do you hang out with that guy? You drink too much. I don't know why you got to watch football on Sundays. You watch football all day. You don't spend time with me. Guys who have really focused their lives and found their own value, they don't put up with that stuff. >> Yeah. Yeah, but if you've never gone through that period, you've always been conditioned to living your life centered around what women's demands and expect. Man. So it's like mag towel even for a short period of time is almost a necessity for men to break out of the full clutches of gynocentrism. >> They use the time wisely because, you know, you can do the exit and a lot of men do. They just say, "I'm out of here. I'm not doing this." and they spend a couple of years being upset with women and not liking women and not looking at themselves. And then they go back into the, the dating scene or the relationship scene with the same behaviors and same attitudes and then they, they can't understand why it didn't work. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> You really got to own your life in a, in ways that men are told not to because they're told their lives are about women. >> Mhm. >> And you've really got to hit that crossroads in your own mind and heart, my life is about me. Whether I have a woman or not, end of story. A woman can add to that. It can be a wonderful thing. It is. I wouldn't trade my relationship for anything. It's a great thing in my life. >> Mhm. >> But I didn't walk into this needing anybody. >> Yes. Yeah. And, and real quick, uh, Inset Marine, uh, thank you for the $20. Uh, question, how does the red pill survive and transcend the algorithm trap of endless content? Um, what do you think about this? >> I'm not sure I understand the question. >> Yeah. It's, it's kind of like, cuz, cuz how does the red pill survive and transcend the algorithm trap of endless? I think my, if I'm looking at it through a consumer's perspective, I, I see that a lot of times when guys jump into this, this type of material, they can get trapped in constantly watching, complaining, um, bitching about what's wrong with women, and they kind of get stuck in the rate, in the red pill rage era. Um, that's definitely something that could, I think, can happen. And if, and if this is more what you, you're Marine, that you're questioner asking, I actually agree with Paul that I think that it does start with you actually have to completely disengage from women. I would even argue even from the stuff that's maybe triggering you when it comes to all this stuff. You got to find who you are. Find, find your personhood, your manhood, um, even down to when we try to explain to guys that the mission is the mission, and that no woman is more important than the program. And once, once you've established what the program is for you and your life and your parameters, then you can reengage in this, in the space. And then even when you look at this stuff, you're looking at it through the eyes of balance and, and understanding like, "Oh man, that's crazy." But you're not looking at it through the lens of like, "I'm so terrified. I, I don't even want to talk to women anymore." Like that, you know, that, I don't know that's kind of how I would answer it. Um
Well, and I, I think it's important to note though, that that men are conditioned to really think that they find their worth in a woman. >> Yeah. >> That this is the affirmation they need to be whole and to to become a man. And that's a, a horrible focus. I mean, if you study what we've learned from just psychological studies for the past 100 years, you know that that is a prescription for disaster. >> [clears throat] >> I need somebody else to complete me. >> Yeah. >> Says you're a half person, and in the realm of relationships, two halves don't make a whole. >> Facts. >> They make two half people who end up battling with each other to feel whole. >> Mhm. >> And marriage fails. >> Yeah. >> Because of that dynamic. >> Yeah. Yeah. And then lastly, from a legal perspective, and obviously you're at one of the, one of the bigger voices when it comes to male and men advocacy, um, is there a particular legal route other than men individually, you know, handling things on their own with their personal lives? Is there a particular legal approach that all men should be voting for, pushing for, really putting more money and energy into politically to try to change any of this stuff that men are really frustrated about?
You know, I started out wanting to do that. And, but 20 years of doing this has really informed me not to. >> Mhm. >> Society is not going to change much. The, the legal constructs are just written in stone at this point. I mean, you can push for things and have some small successes. >> Yeah. >> To me, men are much better off spending their time battling for their own autonomy in life and taking responsibility for their own lives and their own decisions. You don't get into a horrendous divorce unless you've made some bad decisions, and that's not saying that I blame you for your divorce, but what I'm saying is men do not make their rational and reasonable in everything in life except women. And they lose their their mentality quickly when they become infatuated. You ever try to talk a man into some woman he's infatuated with and you know she's wrong, you know that that girl's got all kinds of stuff that's going to wreck this guy. He ain't listening to you. No, man, he'll punch you in the mouth if you try to talk to him about that. Um, men quit worrying about the law. You know, you, whatever efforts you make to change the law, they're not going to benefit you. You can get around the law by not signing a legal contract that puts you at risk. Um, I still think it just goes back, get your own life together. You know, trust yourself. Unless you're obsessed on a woman, then don't trust yourself.
That's cuz again, I'm, I'm hearing it from the academics like shout out to Professor Curry and, um, and others who I've worked with so far. I'm hearing it from people in the manosphere space. I'm even hearing it from lawyers. And it seems like everybody's acknowledging what they see as wrong, what they're saying needs to change. Little to no traction is happening other than the one state. What was it? I can't remember. One state down south where they did the auto at the Kentucky 50/50 um >> Yes, and the divorce rate dropped 25% like overnight. >> Yeah, other than that, I haven't seen or heard any major movement, and we've been engaging and talking about this stuff now for damn near 20 years.
Even with the minor improvements that have been made in other states, people have to realize that you still have to deal with the bias of the judge and the court itself. They have a lot of latitude in how they apply the law. It's just not a winning proposition. You'll get a lot more happiness out of life just taking care of your own business, taking care of your own life and not worried about this stuff, and there is movement in one way that's really, really great. Men are walking away. >> Wow. >> They're, they're starting to to starve the beast. They're, they're starving the narcissism in women, they're starving the state by not getting married. >> Mhm. >> There's your solution. >> Wow. >> One man at a time. >> That is the real red pill perspective.