Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships) - Teal Swan

For relationships to work, they have to feel good to both people involved in the relationship. This goes for any style of relationships, whether it's a partnership, a friendship, a work relationship, or a family relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but one of the main reasons why we can't keep a relationship feeling good is we have been conditioned to believe that love should triumph over all. We've been conditioned to believe that if we're truly a good person, we should be able to be in a relationship with anybody on earth. I'm going to tell you today that if you are holding yourself to this expectation, your relationships will end up in pain.

There's a big difference between loving something and being compatible with something. A bird may love a fish, for example, but if their desire to be partners requires that they live together, what this means is, one or the other will die. Incompatibility is the condition of two things being so different in nature and as uncomplimentary in that difference that they are incapable of coexisting harmoniously. It's really important to understand this distinction because incompatibility is not about having differences. Incompatibility is about having differences that, in and of themselves, create an incapacity to sustain harmony. Specifically, what incompatibility is really about is putting people with these non-harmonious differences in roles or positions with each other that require there to be either no difference or that require a difference that is non-harmonious in nature to be harmonious.

This issue with incompatibilities is present in all kinds of relationships, but nowhere is it more glaring than in partnerships. Now, we see this all the time in the human race relative to attachment needs. Here is the most common setup: You have one person who genuinely desires a close, committed companionship, and this person wants one life with someone, and that type of closeness is literally their biggest desire on earth. This is a relationship where both people are living life as a joined adventure and are taking responsibility for one another. It's assumed in this relationship that they are doing everything together unless it's mutually agreed that they will do it otherwise. Now, this person finds somebody else in this other half of the partnership who wants the exact opposite. This person really likes their space. This person wants themself and their partner to live totally separate lives and to come together as more of a sharing act about what each experienced individually in their own lives. This partnership is not a relationship where they take responsibility for one another, and it's assumed that they're doing everything separately, except for at nighttime when they go to sleep, or when it's mutually agreed upon that they will do otherwise. This is an example of an incompatibility that has absolutely no remedy. Because obviously, both people have a different version of what partnership they actually want. And if either partner conforms to the idea of the other person, they will suffer. This relationship is a guarantee that either one partner will feel limited, not free, and suffocated, or the other will feel constantly pushed away and abandoned.

There's often trauma that goes into creating these extremely different desires for partnership, specifically enmeshment on one side and abandonment trauma on the other side, but it doesn't matter because even if trauma was recreated in our desires in the first place, it doesn't change them. Number 1 and Number 2: You can't spend your life in a partnership trying to heal the other person out of their desires.

When incompatibility is present in a relationship, it is very difficult for people to admit to it, to change the nature of their relationship, to change their roles in each other's lives, or to end their relationship. We want everything to work out so incredibly badly that we won't admit to the incompatibility that exists because of what admitting to that incompatibility would mean to us, specifically. So, we go about our lives usually avoiding admitting to the incompatibilities that exist within ourselves and other people. Now, this creates a dynamic that is torturous and it actually condemns relationships to end. Because what are we going to do if we can't be completely authentic about the incompatibility? We're going to go about our lives doing one of two things, or often both: A. We're going to try to change ourselves desperately to fit into whatever they need us to be so that we are more compatible, or B. We are going to constantly tell them that they are wrong for their desires so that they should conform to us. And this creates an atmosphere of shame in the relationship. In other words, when we make the other person wrong for their difference, we come up with the reason why they are wrong for it, and then try to heal them out of that difference or try to change it so it doesn't exist. This never works because if you try, the message conveyed by approaching them in this manner is: "You need to be fixed because something is wrong with you." They will feel completely unloved by you, unaccepted, unwanted as they are, and therefore hurt and resentful.

One of the main signs of incompatibility in a relationship is that one or both partners feel completely and totally unloved for who they are. Of course, this often occurs because the truth is, if either partner has a serious incompatibility, the truth is that they are not going to be able to say, "I really want my partner to be exactly who they are." If they are really brutally honest with themselves, which we know is hard because we will feel like we're bad people for admitting it, we actually do want our partner to be a different person. The truth will be that you want them to change and that who they are in this moment, if nothing else changed, causes you pain. If there is a genuine incompatibility in a relationship, you will spend your time vacillating between wanting them to be a different person and wishing that you yourself was a different person. Obviously, that's a recipe for absolute disaster in your relationships. It's a guarantee that that relationship is going to turn into your greatest source of pain in life.

This mutual shame created by incompatibility is greatly enhanced if either person is unable to be authentic. And this is very common if one or both partners came from a type of household, which is quite common, in a dysfunctional family dynamic, where they were never allowed to have themselves. Many people grow up in households that have no respect for boundaries, and so safety in the house is about throwing your unique identity away to create social harmony rather than develop a solid core and really knowing yourself. When this is the case, a person grows into an adult that does not know himself or herself at all. Because of this, this person wants a relationship but has no capacity to assess compatibility before entering into a relationship. Instead, they will try to become and promise to be exactly what the other person wants and needs. This will be impossible to maintain.

One thing that we have to get is we can never deny our authentic truth; it is absolutely impossible. It will come out in all kinds of subconscious ways. So, sooner or later, the truth will come out. The problem is, if you are not authentic from the get-go and if you don't know who you are from the get-go, what happens is you commit to a relationship where the differences that are then exposed already make for an impossibility to create harmony in that relationship. A bunch more people get hurt.

Now, the main reason that we tend to be inauthentic is because we feel so much shame around our authentic truth. So many people walking the planet today have an authentic truth that society has condemned to such a degree they can't even admit that it exists in themselves. For example, there are so many men walking the planet today who don't actually like the idea of creating a committed family. But that seems to be the only way that they can get any type of emotional or sexual connection, and it's the only way that they can get suitability and security. So, what do they do? They get into a committed relationship where they have to put 100% of themselves into a partnership they don't even really want. It's transactional because they can't stand up in today's society and say, "I am not a family guy." "I really don't want that at all, in fact." They've already been taught that that makes him a total asshole. So, obviously, being able to be authentic about that is a hundred times harder. But if this type of man is not authentic about that and commits in a relationship, that is a recipe for a partner and also children who are constantly disappointed by how much he isn't there.

Basically, we feel the consequence of being authentic is not something we can face, but the truth comes out, as it always does, in subconscious ways. We send mixed messages constantly, and other people start to guess at our truth even when we deny it. But what we have to see is that we are setting ourselves up by doing this; we are also setting other people up. We are setting ourselves up to be loved for the mask that we present to the world. Now, it's a really big deal for us to be loved for who we really are, but if you walk into a relationship with an inauthentic premise, that is what people are saying yes to. That's what they are saying, "I chose and I love." So, when we then remove the mask and say, "Love me for who I am," our likelihood of the answer being, "Okay, sure, I can do that," is slim to nothing. Because they agreed to the mask, when we remove it, they feel duped and often reject who we really are. We are also setting them up because what we are doing is we are presenting a face for them to commit to. Because we're not coming in an authentic way, we are asking them to commit to something that is actually false. And we are asking them to assess compatibility with something that is, in fact, incompatible. So, obviously, when the mask comes off, they've just been completely screwed over.

One of the best examples of this is a gay man. Now, let's say that a gay man is raised in a society that believes that being gay is a complete abomination. Not only does he risk even losing his family, but also risks eternal damnation. Now, let's say that is deeply embedded in him, and he actually believes it. Now, let's say that this man, because of all of this, can't be authentic about who he is, so he decides to be in a relationship or even marry a woman. They are not compatible in the role that they are entering into together, but the truth will not come out until later, when there is a whole lot more of a consequence for all parties involved to discover that there is an irreconcilable incompatibility.

To learn how to be authentic, I want you to watch my video titled "How To Be Authentic." It is critical that we know ourselves when we get into relationships. Because if we don't, it is often a setup for incompatibility.

Sometimes, when we experience an incompatibility, we can find a third option, that is some arrangement that actually perfectly suits both of our needs and both of our desires. However, if it is impossible to find a third option that works for either party because the incompatibility is that extreme, the relationship is doomed to die in the form that it's in.

It's at this point that I want to present a new style of relationship to you. Now, it used to be that if there was incompatibility, two people just went their separate ways and, because of all the pain and shame that came up, kind of hated each other and each blamed the other one for why the relationship didn't work. That's old consciousness stuff! What we are moving into now is the concept that if we are incompatible because of the role we are currently in, potentially we will find our compatibility by changing roles. In other words, when we cannot find a third option arrangement that feels good to both people, it's usually because the person is in the wrong role in your life. In fact, the only way to resolve the incompatibility so there is any harmony is to change the role they are in.

This is very much the case in companies in the corporate sphere. For example, someone who is in the role of manager may be terrible as a manager, therefore incompatible to the company itself, but maybe perfect in customer support. This is also very much the case in partnerships. For example, a person can be truly incompatible as a partner but maybe a truly great friend. And what is true is that our loving of someone is really about our capacity to change someone's role in our life. Even though it may be a painful process of letting go and of change, rather than to reject or to hate them or punish them for not being compatible to us in the role that we want them in, and or to throw them out of our life completely.

The single hardest thing by far when it comes to incompatibility or compatibility in general is that attraction has absolutely no respect for compatibility. It's almost like compatibility is not even something that attraction thinks about. So, it is very possible for you to be attracted to somebody who is completely incompatible to you. I will be talking in a future episode about the real reason why we feel attracted to who we feel attracted to. Hopefully, I won't destroy relationships for you with that video, but I will be talking about this in the future because it is really important to understand. The thing is, when we feel ourselves super attracted to somebody, the gravity we feel towards them makes it feel right to go towards them, and we could argue that in a universal sense, because relationships are all about growth, it maybe right to go towards them, but it's not an indication of compatibility.

Now, when we feel that intense gravity, that desire to be close to somebody, it is very difficult in that limerence phase for us to be clear about reality versus fantasy of what it could be. We have a hard time seeing people for who they actually are because it's almost like we've got rosy-colored sunglasses on. We don't see the actuality of people when we are that attracted to them. That's number one. Number two, it's very easy when we are in the limerence phase to look at incompatibilities that exist that we do see as if they are very small, not realizing that down the line, in the long run, those little incompatibilities may actually be huge ones.

A good example of this is religion. There are some religions where it's a massive incompatibility if a partner is a different religion than another partner. Now, in other religions, it's not such a big deal. But let's look at this. Let's take somebody who is Mormon, so this is the LDS religion. Obviously, in that type of religion, the desire is to be with a partner who can be with them in the celestial afterlife. Now, a person can't get to the celestial afterlife if they are non-Mormon. So, by committing to a non-Mormon, what you are basically committing to is being only with them temporarily in this life and not for eternity. So, you are going to basically lose them. Obviously, not only that, but also the fact that it's not a Sunday religion, it's like a lifestyle and everyday type of religion, makes it so that if somebody is not that same religion, it's a massive incompatibility. And this especially comes up when children are born. This incompatibility would create disharmony in the relationship that ultimately would probably end the relationship. Now, there may be another religion, like Presbyterian or Episcopalian, where it really doesn't matter, and it doesn't create that much of an incompatibility for two people to have that difference. So, yet again, incompatibility is not about having differences; it's about having differences that prevent harmony. They make harmony impossible.

Another thing that is very hard for us to swallow and accept is that we often were incompatible with the very family we were born into. It's a basic assumption that if you were born into a family, that you automatically fit in there and you are compatible with them. It's not the case. Of course, like most things that I say, it's totally taboo to say that in today's society. It's a reality no one wants to face! If our differences cannot be accommodated by or accepted by our family, the reality is that many of us would have ended up much better in a different family, but adoption is a very hard thing emotionally for all parties, and it is not socially accepted for adoption to occur on these grounds of incompatibility with the family. As a result, when this was the case, we developed a self-core concept of shame. This was our experience and therefore our core wounding. We carry this unhealed wound into adulthood, and so we find ourselves in relationships with incompatible partners over and over again until we can find a resolution to this wound and be aware enough to consciously choose a compatible partner.

I am going to give you a little consciousness treat here, which is a tiny bit of a side note that goes off of or dovetails off of this conversation. People who are incompatible with their family felt completely shamed, denied, rejected, and disowned for who they were. They are desperate to belong. These are the most desperate people in relationships on the planet earth. They tend to cling. They need closeness so bad it's ridiculous. They can't assess incompatibility. And even after incompatibilities arise, they lack the capacity to break the connection because they are so desperate for it. It's a bit like somebody who will drink poisoned water because they are so, so thirsty that they can't not.

Now, this is the really crappy part, because of this unhealed wound, the partners that they are a match to are often the partners who have the exact opposite wounding. These are the people who did find a way to throw away their personal identity for the sake of other people in their lives. So, they experienced enmeshment trauma. They had to throw identity, preferences, thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires away to be compatible with one of the adults in their home. If they were incompatible and it created a social disharmony that they could not live with. This person has no idea who they are and therefore can't be authentic. This person also experiences relationships as suffocating and will push partners away. Therefore, this relationship becomes a relationship of extreme incompatibility where both partners are playing out an exact replication of their own childhood wounding. The main incompatibility being that one person will feel constantly imprisoned by their relationship and as if they are losing themselves; the other will feel constantly pushed away and abandoned, and both will feel ashamed for who they are.

Now, the universe is not doing this to be cruel. It's doing it to try to make both partners completely aware of this wound so that it can be consciously mended. The way that it would be consciously mended is as follows: One will heal it by consciously finding true compatibility in a kind of an adult adoption process. The other will feel it by consciously choosing to live in alignment with their authenticity and have someone love them as they are, even if that love takes the shape of changing the role they are playing in someone's life.

The argument that some people make that you have to put a lot of effort and a lot of time into figuring out who the hell somebody really is before you genuinely commit to them, has a lot of weight when it comes to this argument about incompatibility. The reality is that life changes. People change, and you can't force people to be authentic. So, it's very difficult to 100% guarantee that you are going to be completely compatible with this person when you meet them, or even several years into the relationship. I mean, lord knows, people who have had midlife crises, what that is, is "I haven't really been authentic my whole life, and suddenly there's so much pressure on the aspects I haven't been authentic about that it all comes and takes over the show."

However, genuinely knowing yourself and being brutally honest with yourself about your internal truth, including your personal preferences, feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, and dislikes, will make it much easier to see what differences between you and people will make for genuine incompatibility. What this will do is allow you to put people in positions and roles in your life where they truly belong. In roles and positions where both of you can make each other genuinely happy.

Have a good week.