Transcription
Why it's so difficult to acknowledge the red flags, why it's so difficult to kind of gain distance from the narcissist with a clear conscience. It's because of what's at stake.
The script that the narcissist is handing to you through love bombing, the script, the character that the narcissist is applauding when they re-idealize you, this intermittent reinforcement thing, is them applauding when you're playing the role. This script is their own mother who failed them at a time that they really needed their mother to come through. It's what created it's what got them stuck in the narcissistic phase of development. And so, instead of saying it's what developed the narcissism to begin with, I need to make it clear that we all go through a stage called primary narcissism.
Notice how grandiose and entitled a toddler is. It's because, in order to have any chance against the forces of nature, against reality itself, the toddler has to pretend that he or she is bigger than he or she actually is. The toddler says, "I'm not this tiny little hopeless, utterly dependent, chaotic creature, vulnerable and fragile in this big, scary world. That's not true. I'm a hero, and I can go explore, and I can walk into the grass, and I can I can take a few steps away from Mommy before I have to come back. And and I want a piece of candy, and I want this."
Um, the narcissist gets stuck in this stage. So, the narcissist is trapped as an emotional toddler looking to finish the role play that he or she couldn't finish with his or her own mother. Handing you the script is, "You will be the mother. I'm the toddler." And this is why the strength of love bombing, the narcissist really needs you to play this role for them. And why wouldn't you?
And this accounts for some of the overlooking of red flags. This accounts for the difficulty in going cold in regards to the narcissist. This is the difficulty in coming down from the shared fantasy. This is a broken child who really needs someone, someone's mercy. And that's the role that they hire you to play.
Now, the conflicts that are keeping the narcissist in this Pinocchio dilemma are too strong to be resolved. That's why the relationship fails. Discard or reverse discard. The narcissist is incapable of overcoming the developmental inhibition. The role play cannot succeed. You will fail the narcissist. You will fail.
And part of getting out of the shared fantasy is realizing that this isn't your failure. This isn't your child. He or she is in fact not a toddler in a way that is meaningful enough for them to be held accountable. Yes, there's this kind of dead inner child in them. And so it is. And as adults, we hold each other accountable for taking account of our internal worlds and making do in as responsible a way as we can.