Transcription
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Romini. Welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism. And if you're new to this channel, please hit that subscribe button. We'd love to have you join this wonderful community.
This is an email I got from someone who is asking the question, which I think is an important one for everyone to learn: What's the difference between an avoidant personality style or avoidant personality disorder and vulnerable narcissism? So let's take that on.
When we look at narcissistic personality, we see that it kind of relates to other sort of personality issues. And again, like I said, this is a question that just came in. I think it's a really good one because it may clarify some of the patterns of vulnerable narcissism that can be confusing. And remember, many of you know vulnerable narcissism as covert narcissism. The correct term is vulnerable narcissism. So let's kind of get on top of our terms here, right?
Avoidant personality is a style characterized by discomfort with social situations, especially when a person feels like they're being evaluated or judged. The avoidant person wants social interaction but is anxious about looking foolish, being humiliated, or disliked, or being criticized. This is a pattern that cuts across social situations. The person with an avoidant personality may be really inhibited and have a fear of intimacy or getting close. They want to get close, but they're very anxious about it.
People with avoidant personalities are very, very sensitive to any kind of social rejection. So they may simply avoid social situations again, not because they don't like them or want them, but because they are afraid of the discomfort and the feelings associated with rejection. People with avoidant personality styles will often only get involved with people or with relationships if they are certain of not being rejected, which can actually put them at risk for entering relationships that are highly manipulative or controlling.
I would argue that people with avoidant personality styles or disorders are actually at risk for entering or getting stuck in narcissistic relationships because they so want to enter relationships and are so afraid of being rejected that they may really fall hard for love bombing and then be very subject to being very manipulable and being willing to self-blame.
Now, some people in the diagnostic world believe that avoidant personality disorder may just be a more severe variant of social anxiety disorder. I really do think that. I believe that the difference between the two is that avoidant personality, yeah, probably is a little more severe. It's just more pervasive. It's more stable. It tends to cut across all relationships that a person has.
Avoidant personality is not introversion. Introverted people have a preference for solitude or small and familiar social groups. They might find larger social gatherings taxing and just simply need time to replete and may enjoy periods of solitude and introspection. But an introvert does not have the chronic, destabilizing fear of being criticized or rejected and holding back for that reason. Avoidant personalities want social interactions but can't get there because of their anxiety. That's very different than introversion.
So some of you may be witnessing, thinking, "Ah, well, vulnerable narcissism has social anxiety as part of it." It does. And you might say, "Well, those folks are also sensitive to criticism." Aren't narcissists? They are. And you may be wondering, "Maybe this person isn't narcissistic, but maybe they're avoidant." The difference matters.
A relationship with someone who has an avoidant personality, yeah, at times it may actually be exhausting because you're often having to reassure them or allay their fears that they're concerned that they're making a bad impression on other people. However, a relationship with someone who is a vulnerable narcissist is a whole different game. And remember, many of you know the vulnerable narcissist as a covert narcissist. I want to remind you, because some of you, "What is she talking about? Covert narcissists, vulnerable narcissists." For a lot of people, that feels synonymous.
Now, there are some key differences. A person with an avoidant personality does not have lapses in empathy. They are not entitled, or definitely not grandiose, and they're not prone to passive-aggressive rage or dysregulation. Those are simply not elements of the avoidant personality style, but they are aspects of the vulnerable narcissistic style.
There are also some key overlaps that may be confusing, particularly the sensitivity to criticism. However, the way that that sensitivity manifests, that's what will be quite different. For an avoidant person, if they perceive a criticism or an embarrassment, they will simply isolate more, be deeply humiliated, and withdraw. For a vulnerable narcissist, if they perceive a criticism of any kind, they are either likely to angrily lash out. There may be rage, stonewalling, the silent treatment, petulance, victimhood, passive aggression. So while both personality styles are sensitive to critics, the manifestation is very, very different.
People with avoidant personality styles also have intact empathy, though their own anxiety may mean they are restrained in expressing it. However, patterns such as contempt will not be observed.
In some cases, a person can be both. A person can have both a vulnerable narcissistic personality and an avoidant personality style. So we would see the socially anxious patterns, the sensitivity to criticism, the victimized entitlement, and the passive-aggressive rage when confronted. This is an unfortunate pairing because then treatment becomes messy, and the narcissism can mean that management of the avoidant personality style and the associated patterns just doesn't work because the narcissism is just making a mess of it.
So if there's any question whether someone is just socially anxious or if this is more of a vulnerable narcissistic pattern, pay attention to how the person manages this criticism that they're so anxious and afraid about. If the response the person has is rageful, hurtful, defensive, passive-aggressive, and contemptuous, you're more likely to be dealing with a person who has vulnerable, vulnerable narcissistic patterns rather than an avoidant personality.
Vulnerable narcissism is so confusing because it overlaps with so many other mental health patterns: depression, anxiety, social anxiety. And our empathy for a person struggling with those patterns can make it confusing when we are faced with someone's sadness and anxiety, but also contempt, entitlement, and rage. A way of determining if the vulnerable narcissism is present is to pay attention to how the person responds to criticism, feedback, not getting their way, or other people's success. Those things are the ringer and can really make it clear what may be happening.
Avoidant personality actually can be addressed in psychotherapy and treatment using many of the cognitive behavioral techniques that are often used in the management of social anxiety: practicing social skills, group therapy, having some success experiences in relationships, understanding the root causes of the avoidant personality. All of this can have an impact and help a person who is struggling with the fallout of an avoidant personality style. These approaches are not going to work so well with a person with a vulnerable narcissistic style because, as with all forms of narcissism, most narcissistic people do not view the issue as being within themselves, or they may be resistant to addressing long-standing defensive patterns and any thoughts that are related to their victimhood. They're pretty allied with that kind of identity.
I hope that's helpful and helps you see the difference between two personality styles that at first blush can be confusing, but are actually quite different. Thanks again.