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11. Metamor love polyamory is being friends with your lover's lover or not being friends with them or being their lover too, but knowing that you cannot truly gain at their expense. Rachel Green.
As I write this, I have just had a huge personal epiphany. I believe I have unlocked the key to my personal success and open relating. The more I invest in my metamor relationships, the happier I seem to be. And this is supported by research which indicates that social support systems including metamores can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction. According to a recent study, individuals in polymerous relationships often report higher levels of satisfaction when they have supportive connections with their partner's partners as these relationships provide emotional resources that can mitigate stress and enhance mutual understanding.
However, this realization also highlights one of the biggest fuckups I've encountered in open relating. Neglecting our metamor relationships can be the source of real pain. Failing to invest in these connections can lead to significant issues.
The importance of metamores. Metamores can provide unparalleled support and create more intimate and loving networks. The varsity. Your metamores can become some of the most important people in your life because they love your lover. They understand the type of relationship you are in and empathize with your romantic struggles in ways your partners might not. They get you in a way that none of your lovers could possibly ever understand.
As a dear friend and relationship coach Timothy Earl puts it best, "Metamores are like stones around a fire, each representing care, communication, and respect. The fire itself is our shared love. It burns brighter when tended well, but can scorch if left unguarded."
Despite this, many of us experience feelings of competition and fear surrounding our metamores. And in harboring those feelings, we often choose not to invest ourselves into building any relationship with them.
Not my problem.
Josie and Noah were facing significant challenges in their marriage. During a family spring break trip, they were barely speaking. They had multiple therapy appointments and even discussed the possibility of divorce. Noah was feeling threatened by a new relationship Josie was in with Alex. And Josie was so drawn to Alex that she was neglecting her family, spending as much as 20 days per month away from home. Noah had no interest in being friends with Alex and could feel his bond with Josie slipping through his fingers. Josie and Alex began fighting over everything from finances to how they were raising their children and began sleeping in separate rooms. When sex came off the table, they knew they were headed for a certain disaster.
Resolution.
A little investment goes a long way. However, Josie and Noah kept coming back to the table with their therapists and on their own, and Alex also began to engage in those conversations in a way that was not overbearing for Noah. Noah and Josie hosted a number of community events and dinners and invited Alex consistently. Alex also made efforts to invite Noah to friend outings and concerts where larger groups were present. While they never became friends, Noah and Alex became acquaintances, developing a mutual respect and even admiration for each other. They could both see why Josie was drawn to the other person and recognize parts of themselves in one another. By the end of summer, Noah told Josie, "I sincerely believe that our marriage is now in a better place because of your relationship with Alex." For Josie, that was the greatest honor and sign of respect Noah could offer, not just to her, but to Alex as well.
The notion that metamores create a supportive network aligns with findings from uh cle uh research um who argues that polyamorous networks can foster a sense of belonging and community which can be crucial for emotional resilience. Addressing issues openly with metamores can transform potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. When done well, we become part of an ecosystem of love. Each person tending to the flame with honesty, vulnerability, and presence.
The lesson of metamore investment. The lesson here for me is clear. Invest in your metamores. Overcome your preconceived notions about them and cultivate genuine interest in their lives and happiness. Building strong relationships with your metamores is one of the keys to success and healthy open relationships.
When your metamore doesn't want to be friends. All of us are capable of being someone else's difficult metamor page turner and dealing with difficult metamors. I shared my thoughts on metamor love with my polyphere and received strong feedback because not every metamor relationship will flourish. Some metamores may never want a relationship with you and this is not something you can control.
The idea that not all metamor relationships will flourish resonates with other findings who discuss the importance of respecting individual boundaries and autonomy within polyamorous dynamics. The studies emphasize while some connections may not develop, uh, maintaining respectful communication is essential. The podcast multiamory suggests that we should view metamor similar to our in-laws. You don't have to be in close relationship with them, and you don't have to be best friends, but some level of communication is warranted. This situation is more common when dating single individuals, particularly those new to polyamory or those who practice parallel poly. Many reasons exist for not wanting a friendship with a metamore, including introversion or engaging in polyamory reluctantly.
You do however have control over setting your own intention for the metamor relationship and communicating that. My husband great gave great advice to me years ago when he said, "Did you tell them you supported them and cared for their well-being because you wanted to hear it in return or because you truly want to offer the gift without needing reciprocity?" You have the power to give the gift of metamore love even if it's not returned.
Reflecting on comfort levels before engaging with metamores who may not want a relationship, check in with yourself. Are you comfortable with that dynamic? If not, consider discussing potential agreements with your partner regarding rules of engagement before proceeding.
Metamore love versus metamore lover. How can we be lovers if we can't be friends? Meatloaf. It's also important that I differentiate between metamore love and being a metamore lover. Metamor love encompasses care, respect, and adoration for your metamores, fostering deep friendship, trust, and relationship building. In contrast, engaging romantically with a metamore can complicate existing dynamics. Romantic relationships among metamores can lead to increased jealousy and conflict unless there are clear boundaries and agreements established.
the proverbial shell game. Cynthia once dated Paula, then later decided to date Paula's partner, Emily, and at the end uh and end the relationship with Paula. Eventually, this led to heartbreak for Paula, causing a rift among the all the parties involved. To this day, Paula is still reeling, confused as to the turn of events and unsure as to how to resolve her feelings of heartbreak and jealousy.
If you choose to engage sexually with your metamore, be prepared for the complexities that arise. I have casual connections with some of my metamores at events, but refrain from dating them seriously. Pursuing a romantic relationship with a metamor requires extensive communication about how to handle potential conflicts, relationship agreements, and breakups. This is not a decision to be taken lightly.
A metamore who was once a lover told me, "This is next level shit." She expressed that if she'd known how much work it would be it would involve, she might not have pursued it. Building meaningful metamor relationships is essential, but it requires careful navigation and open communication. When metamores communicate authentically, they become allies and emotional growth. Each honest conversation places another studying stone around your communal fire of love.
So, to my metamores, current and future, I see you. I honor the courage it takes to love in this way. Let's keep tending this fire together.