Transcription
There's a term in psychology for when you consistently put someone else's needs above your own. You try to prioritize the ways they feel loved and valued. You avoid conflicts to keep the peace. You plan the dates. You bend over backwards to try to connect with them. But your effort and intentionality isn't being reciprocated on the other end, is it?
And regardless of how you bring up your feelings or concerns or desires, they're just taken as an attack or they dismiss and invalidate you. And over time, you start to feel not only exhausted from doing all the work to maintain this relationship, but also resentful for being neglected. And eventually, you stop pouring from an empty cup. Eventually, you stop giving to someone who's only taking. And you become what they call a burntout pursuer.
And when a pursuer burns out, when a giver stops giving, on the surface, it appears to happen all at once, right? There's a shift in your energy or attention. You no longer overfunction to hold everything together. You no longer people please. You might appear distant or disconnected or short with them. And the other person might even accuse you of giving up or not caring. But what actually happened was a buildup of a hundred micro moments where you felt like you were the only one giving and the only one caring.
I mean, let's just be honest. You gave them chance after chance and eventually something happens in you. A switch gets flipped and you're just done. I'm done giving them the benefit of the doubt. I've empathized with their past trauma and triggers. I'm done making excuses for them. I'm done repairing all the conflicts. All I asked for was a little bit of reciprocation. All I wanted was the bare minimum of effort. I put the bar on the floor, but they couldn't or wouldn't put in the work to not still trip over it, right? And you're just tired of anticipating their feelings and needs without any reciprocation on their end. Your feelings and needs matter just as much as theirs do. And you're just exhausted from putting in the work that's required to maintain this one-sided relationship. And you're done blaming yourself for why it's not working. You're exhausted from walking on eggshells to protect their ego. You're done shrinking and making yourself small and apologizing for things that you didn't do just so we can have a good day together and not fight. You're done hoping that things will change because clearly they have no interest in fixing something they don't view as broken.
And here's what I'll say. Your anger is justified. And we still have to be careful because I was using my giving and my selflessness to give myself a badge of self-righteousness. Which means that I was the good guy in all this. And I wasn't outright calling them the bad guy, but if the shoe fits, right? I knew I was the one who cared. I was the one bending over backwards to keep this thing afloat. I was the one giving everything I had. You can label them whatever you want, but I knew I was the good guy. The reason that's dangerous is because when I finally did burn out, when my anger and resentment finally outweighed my fear of disconnection or abandonment or starting a conflict, I was so accustomed to silencing myself that once I finally did open my mouth, all that came out was pent up hate and contempt and aggression that had been stored up for a long time because of how hurt I felt. And honestly, I no longer cared if my words hurt them or not. And so I felt justified because I had been vulnerable with them about feeling neglected many times before with a soft tone, but I was always met with defensiveness. I was dismissed or mocked. I was met with claims that I was attacking them or making a big deal about nothing. So now my tone wasn't so soft and they could finally hear me. And even though I felt justified in my anger, I also knew that wasn't who I wanted to become. Someone losing their temper and yelling and calling them those names.
And this can happen on a large scale where you feel neglected for years and you build up so much resentment that you naturally just detach from that relationship emotionally and physically. And sometimes it can be really hard to heal and come back to that relationship. But this can also happen on smaller scales within a larger cycle. So we overfunction and we overgive and we don't feel prioritized and then we explode randomly. And as much as I will advocate for you being treated right in your relationships, as much as I will preach equality and mutual respect and consideration being reciprocated on both sides, as much as I will denounce anyone hurting you with their words or actions or neglect, the way we heal this dynamic is not by villainizing them and turning ourselves into the martyr. The way we heal this and make sure that it doesn't happen anymore is realizing that you were in an unstable dynamic a long time ago. You didn't end up here by accident. I'm not saying you deserve to be neglected. I'm not saying that you deserved to be mistreated or ignored. Absolutely not. I'm simply saying that every case of burnout started by someone ignoring boundaries. And yes, that includes them ignoring your boundaries, but it also included me ignoring my boundaries.
I'm not saying don't be upset with them. Absolutely be upset. I'm just saying be so upset that your focus goes off of them as a person and more on the dynamic as a whole. Not in a victim blaming, self-shaming way, more in a self-empowerment, I'm going to figure out what happened here type of way. That means I'm not only going to point the finger at them, which we should do. Part of your healing is absolutely acknowledging bad behavior and believing people when they show us who they are the first time, right? And not tolerating someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, not tolerating dismissive and invalidating words during conflict, and setting a new standard for how we know we deserve to be treated. But the other part is dealing with our own insecurities and shame and fear and taking accountability for the fact that we weren't just silenced. We silenced ourselves, right? I was upset that they weren't prioritizing me. They weren't considering my needs. They weren't respecting my boundaries. But I wasn't doing those things either. I wasn't advocating for me. I was complaining about the bar being on the floor and them still tripping over it. Right? But part of the healing work for me at least was realizing I'm the one that put the bar on the floor. I could have lifted it at any time, but I didn't. Why do you think that was? Because I was afraid of the consequences. And that only perpetuated my overunctioning. I was exhausted from doing all the work. I was angry at constantly filling the void. It was like a vacuum, right? If they underfunctioned in some area, I was right there to fill in the gaps. And I justified myself the whole time because I was protecting the relationship. I was being selfless. But what I had to realize is protection can still lead to disconnection.
I think it's great that you show love by serving and sacrificing for others. I think it's loving to consider other people's needs. As long as you haven't forgotten that a relationship can only survive if both people feel considered and valued, right? Because the hard truth that I had to realize is that I wasn't solely sacrificing out of kindness. I was also sacrificing out of fear. I was afraid to let anyone down. I was afraid of being left. So, it was always easier to just abandon myself instead of be abandoned. I couldn't set boundaries. I couldn't talk about my needs. Not only because they weren't a safe place for me to do that, but also because I had a subconscious belief that I was too sensitive. I was too needy, too difficult to be with, too much, right? So the moment I got that energy from someone else, it just validated that belief in my head even more. So I didn't know what needs I was allowed to have. I didn't know what boundaries I was allowed to set. And even if I knew that information, I was still scared to express it cuz it might start a conflict that might lead to disconnection. And that's the crux of the issue. I was so subconsciously scared of disconnection that it blocked any ability to actually be honest about how I was truly feeling or what I needed in this relationship to feel safe, valued, and loved. How can I say I want a loving relationship when I'm too scared to even show up as me? Or when I stay in relationships where people don't even want to know the real me? And that was the problem with my anxious attachment and peopleleasing. We think we're the emotionally mature ones, right? We think we're the good guys because we're willing to work on the relationship. We're willing to put in the work, right? But the only work we're not putting in is dropping the mask and actually being honest and vulnerable about who we are and our values and non-negotiables and what we need to feel loved and prioritized. Don't get me wrong, we're definitely willing to put in the work except for when it comes to building our tolerance around discomfort around conflict and setting healthy boundaries and letting go of control and learning how to advocate for ourselves because we're going to disappoint people, right? It's going to lead to some people being upset, but it's not your job to manage their emotions. We're willing to put in the work except for when it comes to over apologizing, right? Or healing our fear of abandonment or leaving unhealthy and unsafe relationships or building back our self-worth and selfrust again. Because the truth is, someone probably tried to steal that from you a long time ago. Maybe it was a past relationship or maybe it was your parents and you still see them as good people who tried their best. But there's a part of you that knows I'm definitely going to treat my children differently. And they can be good people who tried their best and we can still acknowledge that somewhere along the line, for whatever reason, you learned that love needed to be earned and you needed to stay quiet or else you were going to get screamed at or that chaos and aggression are normal and neglect is just one of the many compromises that we have to make when we love someone. Right? And the sad part is we can easily take those core beliefs right into our adult intimate relationships because I had to realize deep down I wasn't sure if I was worth prioritizing. Deep down I wasn't sure if I deserve to be treated with the same respect and kindness that I was giving out to others. I was begging them to reciprocate. Right? But true healing started when I stopped begging and let them treat me however they wanted to and have the courage for me to actually decide is this relationship right for me. I had to realize that I was set up to burn out and overfunction when it came to relationships because I was coming in with a belief that I was too much, which meant I needed to earn love. I needed to earn affection. I needed to sacrifice with others to maintain connection even if they weren't. But part of our healing work is remembering that you deserve kindness and respect, too. You deserve to be prioritized. You deserve someone who is excited to be with you. And if you forget everything else from this video, just remember this. You're not too much. You're not a burden. You're lovable. And please don't let your shame lie to you and tell you something otherwise because my shame would tell me you can't be vulnerable honest about your feelings because disconnection is always right around the corner. Right? So I need to be on high alert. I need to get really good at reading people's moods, being the peacemaker. I need to put other people's needs above my own. And so what do you think happens when you combine all that into your adult relationships? You have someone who's on high alert for any disconnection, who doesn't feel worthy to be loved, and who's been conditioned to place other people's needs above their own. Do you know what that equals? It equals anxiety and overfunctioning and eventual bitterness. So, we have to interrupt that cycle today.
So, yes, I will absolutely fight for you getting the relationship you deserve. I want you to have connection and reciprocation. I don't want you to feel like you're the only one doing the work. I don't want you to deal with inconsistency, but you have to make sure that you're doing this work as well. So, number one, you got to learn about who you actually are because you've been prioritizing other people for so long, you're not even sure who you are or what you need, right? So, that's the first step. How are you going to be in a relationship when you're not even showing up as you? Sometimes we have a bad habit of becoming immersed in our relationships that we actually forget about our own life. What have you put off for the sake of this relationship? What hobbies did you drop? What adventures did you put on the sidelines? Part of the healing process is regardless of whether you stay in this relationship or not, you need to come back to you again. Learn about your non-negotiables. Learn about your limits and how far you're comfortable extending yourself. That's not being selfish. It's being honest. Learn about your core values. Learn about some of the red flags and green flags that you know need to be present for you to feel good in a relationship. And then stick to them. even if it means walking away from relationships where you have hope that things could change, but there's not actually evidence for it. This has nothing to do with expecting your partner to be perfect. It has everything to do with understanding yourself and knowing that when you find the right relationship, they won't want you to feel like you're abandoning yourself or walking on eggshells just to be with them.
Number two, you got to connect with your body again. Because I couldn't tell you what my boundaries were, but I could tell you about the pain that I felt in my chest and my shoulder when I felt chronically taken for granted. I couldn't name my non-negotiables, but I could tell you what it felt like when I would feel flushed and my breathing would get heavy when I felt neglected. These were clues from my body that something was off. There was attention that needed my attention and I ignored it for years. If every case of burnout starts with repeated boundary violations, then you tell me what does it feel like in your body when you feel hurt or neglected or ignored. Do you have a knot in your stomach? Is there tightness in your chest? Does your jaw get clenched? Shoulder problems? Do you feel this sinking feeling just thinking about being obligated or doing something or hanging out with someone that you don't really want to hang out with? This is our body telling us something we need to pay attention to. Now, I'm not saying feelings are facts. I'm not saying just because you're feeling something or you created a story in your head that it's true. What I'm saying is your body deserves to be listened to. Don't suppress it. Don't numb it. Acknowledge it. Explore it. Get curious about it. Honor it. Your body is signaling something to you. Something might be off. Alarms are sounding. We can do a lot of damage by ignoring that.
Number three, you have to build your tolerance around discomfort and conflict. Practice saying no. Practice being honest with people about where you're at when your body is actually telling you it's exhausted or overworked or uncomfortable. That sounds like, "I wish I could help, but I don't have the energy right now." Or, "That doesn't work for me, but here's what I would be comfortable with." Or, "Let me think about that. I'll let you know by tomorrow." These sound like a fairy tale to a people pleaser, right? I mean, in what world would I be able to tell someone no and not feel terrible? In what world could I be so assertive and bold? I'll tell you what world. the world. You realize that there's a cost to not being assertive. There's a cost to not speaking up or being honest about your boundaries. The people who truly care about you will want you to speak up about what you need to feel good in that relationship. The people who are on your side don't want you to do something you don't actually feel comfortable doing. Right? The people who are for you succeeding and thriving will actually encourage you to tell them no because it means you actually feel safe enough to be honest with them. Those are the safe people.
Number four, talk about what you need. Get specific about what you need more of in this relationship. I know it's scary, but honestly, at this point, you have nothing to lose. You should just be open and honest. You can still be respectful, but be honest about what you need specifically. That would sound like, I need us to revamp the mutual chores. It's not working for me. I don't feel like things are equal and I can fully understand if you do, but I've realized I can't keep carrying the extra weight in that area without feeling taken advantage of, which I don't think you want me to feel. That's being assertive. That's being honest and vulnerable. And it was still respectful. You didn't call them lazy. You didn't say they never help. You were just honest about what you need. But that's the problem with us people pleasers and givers. We think that talking about what we need is selfish, right? But it's not. It's giving this relationship the best chance to be safe and healthy and mutually fulfilling. It's honoring you and them at the same time. I need us to handle conflict as a team from now on. What that looks like is if I'm vulnerable about a feeling or concern in a respectful way without blaming or criticizing you. I need you to actually listen with the intent to understand me. Respond with curiosity and validation that my feelings actually matter to you and you're here for me. Set a standard for how you're going to handle conflicts together in the future. Make an agreement. The time to prepare for the storm isn't while you're in the middle of it, right? So, prepare beforehand. If we get into conflict, we need to agree that we aren't going to call each other names, right? We're not going to invalidate each other's concerns. We're not going to yell or shut down. We're going to handle this like two people who love and care about each other. I need to be able to say no and feel safe that I'm not going to be punished for it. I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but I'm trying to be more vulnerable about how I'm actually feeling. And if I'm honest, what happened earlier hurt. Would you be open to talk about it? And I know this still feels like you're overfunctioning. It still feels like you're having to treat them like a baby, right? Teaching them how to be an adult in a relationship. But I just don't see it that way. I see it like you're starting over. The old relationship wasn't working for me. I tried to make it work. But I can see now that my body was suffering and our connection was suffering because I wasn't actually showing up as me. And relationships are all about two people who care about each other. and I didn't trust that you cared enough about me to actually be honest about what felt good and what didn't. And that has to change.
And that brings us to number five. If you're in a loving relationship, they will welcome that change. It won't be perfect. It will be messy, but they will be willing to try something new because they love and care about you. They don't want you to feel like you're the only one doing the work. But if you're not with a loving partner, then they will punish you for being assertive and expressing your feelings and needs. They will blame you. They will refuse to take any accountability. They will say that you're abandoning them or giving up or that you don't care. So, number five is that you can't be afraid of losing unsafe, unhealthy relationships. And of course, I can't say for certain whether or not you should end your relationship. That's an extremely personal decision and it's a very difficult decision. But what I can tell you is that if you're the type of person who says, "Well, I can't set boundaries with them because they'll just walk all over them. I can't express my feelings vulnerably because they'll just mock me or belittle me or dismiss me." Then we can't in the same breath say that this is a safe, healthy relationship worth continuing. I don't want your relationship to end, but I also can't have you existing in this confused limbo state where you just don't know why your body feels so terrible, but you don't feel like you can end this relationship because of a bunch of fears. No one is telling you you have to end things unless you're in danger. And then please get out and get safe. I'm simply telling you that connection and closeness can't exist in certain environments. My job is to remind you that relationships take two people putting in the work of building trust and intimacy and emotional safety in order for connection to even exist. It can't be created with only one person putting in the work. And my hope is that they begin to put in the work with you, right? To build an equal, respectful, considerate relationship together. Of course, you're still going to have conflict. We all are. It's not going to be perfect, but it can be safe. It can be kind. They can be loving. Those are choices. What I don't want is for you to be confused. If you're asking me, "Why do I feel so terrible in my relationship?" But you won't admit that they're not a safe place for you. They have no interest in repairing the trust that they've broken. They have no capacity for accountability or considering your perspective or needs. That's why you feel so terrible. That's unfortunately not going to change regardless of how much you try to forgive them and just move on unless they have the desire to change it. Because your body knows when it's being mistreated. Your body knows when it's in an environment that's not safe. Your body knows when it's wasting time and energy and your body is screaming at you. It's time to listen. Hopefully, this has a happy ending and they're receptive. But if they aren't and they just continue their hurtful behavior, those actions have consequences. And one of those will be you eventually detaching from this relationship, whether emotionally or physically. That's just cause and effect. Because here's what I know. If you don't have a standard for how you know you deserve to be treated, if you don't have a standard for what you know a relationship needs to survive, someone is going to come along and try to create that standard for you. It's up to you to know your needs. It's up to you to know your standards. That way, you can communicate honestly. You can express boundaries with love and consideration. You can be vulnerable about how you're actually feeling from a place of self-love and security, knowing whatever happens, you're going to be okay. If you vulnerably and respectfully communicating that something bothered you causes the relationship to fall apart, then it was never supposed to stay together. If you silencing yourself was the only way to hold this relationship up, then it was built on self-abandonment and that needs to be toppled. Because anxious attachment looks at someone being emotionally unavailable and says, "How can I get them to love me? How can I get them to become more available? How can I put in the effort to get this relationship to work?" Why? because they're used to feeling like they have to fight to be loved. They're used to trying to get difficult people to treat them right. They're used to love feeling like an uphill battle. That's why I didn't leave because it felt familiar. But familiar doesn't always equal safe and familiar doesn't always equal love. It's your job to know the difference, right? Because real love isn't chaotic. It's consistent. Real love is mutually sacrificial. It's mutually respectful. There's no power imbalance. There's no name calling. There's no belittling or demeaning behavior because real love lifts up. It doesn't tear down. Real love is humble. And when we mess up, which we're all going to do, we take accountability by understanding the impact of our words and actions. We get curious and listen to their perspective and pain and actually apologize, not just with words, but with changed behavior. The truth is, if you stay, a few things need to happen that aren't always easy. One, they need to validate and empathize with how neglectful you felt. And I mean really validate and empathize as in explore it fully understand it. Exhaust the subject by asking you appropriate questions. They need to show interest in your limits and boundaries. They need to prove that they care and make a plan for how this is not going to happen again. But we have to remember this isn't about right or wrong. We aren't villainizing them. We are doing everything we can on our end to extend an opportunity, an invitation to be a team together. That means we both care about how each other is feeling. Right? and what they need to feel valued and supported in this relationship. We're verbalizing that neither of us wants to feel silenced. And two, you need to actually work towards forgiving them and not holding this over their head and holding grudges and staying in this relationship, but constantly reminding them of the scoreboard and how much they've hurt you in the past. We can't choose to stay, but then have no desire to work towards actual forgiveness, and instead just be really critical and passive aggressive and blaming them all the time. That's not working towards healing. That's keeping us stuck in victimhood. Yes, I completely agree. They need to do the hard work of repenting and repairing the hurt that they've caused you in the past. And if you're anything like me, you're just a natural people pleaser, right? You're a giver. Some of that is me being nice, the other part is my past trauma that will probably just always be there. So, what I'm saying is you might always overfunction in this dynamic a little bit. You might always drift and lean towards people pleasing and giving. Our job is to make sure we're not villainizing them for not leaning the same way we do. If you decide this relationship just doesn't work for you and you need a little bit more reciprocation and intentionality on their end, I'm 100% behind you. I don't want you to feel neglected, right? I don't want you to feel dismissed or ignored. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. But there are others of you and you have a decent partner, but you just naturally drift towards overgiving and oversacrificing, but then you get mad at them cuz they aren't as much of a giver as you are. and that's unfair. They're a different person. So, be careful holding them to the same standard that you hold yourself to because that's not always healthy. If you want a little bit more of a deep dive on this, I did a whole video on how to know when to leave your relationship cuz I know that's a really tough decision. I hope this was helpful in some way. Thank you so much for watching and I can't wait to see you in the next one.