Transcription
What's something like I noticed? Like there's been times in my past where it's like I think I didn't want to change because I wanted to keep having an excuse, right? Like I remember even with smoking. I remember it was like, um, part of me didn't want to stop. There was a part of me I realized didn't want to stop smoking because I knew if I stopped, I wouldn't. And it wasn't like a, it was kind of a subconscious part of me, yeah. But I knew if I stopped, I would, I wouldn't have something to blame my inefficiency on, or my, what I just wouldn't have something to blame. It's like it gave me something to blame. Does that make any sense?
It does, because everything we do, even things that seem stupid or derogatory, we do to meet some needs. There's only six needs people have. We have a need for comfort or certainty. We have a need for variety. We have a need to feel significant, unique, special, important. Everybody has that need. We have a need to feel connection and love. We have a need to grow. We have a need to contribute beyond ourselves. It was just comfort, I think. Yeah, it's the comfort and the certainty. What you know.
But there, there is a fear that everybody has. Two fears. MH. All human beings at some moment feel that they're not enough. And to feel like you're not enough for someone who's love you crave makes a person crazy inside. For someone who's, what? I didn't hear that right. Somebody who's love you crave. The average person, you don't care. But if it's somebody who's love you really want, oh yeah. So if you feel like you're not enough, then you feel like you won't be loved. To be worthless and unloved is like psychological death. So people drug themselves, eat, they do anything not to feel that.
Well, what are your choices on changing that? Well, you could take on a new project, build a podcast, build a business, do something. But you have to take risks to do that. And risks, you could look like a failure. You could fail, which might look like you're worthless, might look like you're not worthy of love. So subconsciously, we come up with these ways to adapt. So smoking a cigarette comforts you because you take that big slow breath in and blow it out nice and slow. It changes the tempo in your body completely. You go from stress to. You can do that same without the cigarette. But, but once you're addicted and it becomes the go-to, some people stop smoking and then they overeat. Cuz overeating puts all the blood in your stomach and you start to breathe slowly again and feel things and you let go. So you can get certainty and comfort by those ways. Or you can do it by working out and developing the sense of strength that makes you certain. Or you can do the same thing day after day. There's so many ways. There's positive ways and negative ways.
But we also need uncertainty. We need variety. If you, if every day you know what's going to happen, how it's going to happen, you get bored out of your mind. Yeah. But if you have so much variety, you don't know what's going to happen, people freak out. So these needs bounce up against each other. And so when people do a behavior like smoking, smoking will give you comfort, certainty. Smoking will give you, in some people's case, variety because you were stressed out, now you change your state. That feels different. It's called variety. Smoking will give you significance if you think it's cool. Although today it's a little harder to do that because most people think you're an idiot. We put you in a separate room by yourself. Yeah. They think you are. Yeah. So, but it used to be, I'm cool if I smoke. And some people say, you can't make me not smoke. I'm significant, right? For some people, it's a way to connect with other people who smoke, right? So when you meet one of those needs, you like it. When you meet two, you really like it. When you meet three, you get addicted. And you get addicted to positive things. You get addicted to exercise. You get addicted to working out. You get addicted to, you know, growing your business. You, everyone gets addicted to something if it meets a bunch of your needs. It's amazing.
And in a relationship, if a person is certain that you love them and there's always a surprise, they, oh, I, I know they love me and we have so many surprises. We have so much variety in our life. And I feel like the most important person, significant. And I feel so much love for them. And we're growing, contributing. I'm leaving. Nobody says that because when your needs are met, people stay. Like whenever I work with couples, I work with hundreds of thousands of couples over the years, and they always say, one of them always says, I gave him or her everything. Everything except what they needed. If you gave them what they needed, they wouldn't be leaving.
Do you think we're afraid some to say what we need though too? Or do you think we even know what we need sometimes? Most people don't. You're absolutely right. Most people not only don't say it, but most people don't even know it. They're not even honest with themselves yet.
So what do you say to somebody like me then? Or I mean, sorry, I'm sitting here so also me. But, um, yeah, like who's, cuz there's ways like I know once I, right, when I weaned off of my medicine, right? I got to talked. I actually didn't talk to my doctor. But I've gotten off so many times over the years. I felt like I knew what I was doing. I did let my close friends know, hey, I'm, I'm getting off my medicine. Let me know if anything, what you using at the time? Just, uh, Lexapro. I've been taking, right? I said, let me know if anything seems strange or whatever, you know. But then, more strange than usual. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. If I'm just like masturbating at the house, dude. Yeah, that's natural. That's normal, dude. Yeah, that's normal behavior, right? But if I'm pet shopping, you know, that's a, you need to call somebody, you know, you're concerned. Call somebody. I'm looking at a dog. That's really scary, dude. Can you fetch? Oh yeah, it's getting weird.
Um, but what I'm saying is, um, yeah, so there, but I started running, right? I knew I said, my biggest thing is I don't want to lose this, this opportunity to see how I'm feeling because I'm not doing my part of taking care of myself. Y. I have so much respect for you doing that. It's so hard to do. But you did the right thing, which is what I teach. You got to replace it with something. You don't stop doing something, you replace something else. But what you're replacing it with actually changes your biochemistry. Yeah. I don't want to run. Now I'm starting to freaking like it, dude. I met somebody yesterday and we got some damn Brook shoes to gabing. Well, that's a good first step. Yeah. Literally, you're right. But you get the runner's high and it's a good high for you. And you're making so it's like, it's not about stopping what you're doing, it's about starting something else that's more fulfilling, like running. What needs does it meet? Does it make you feel comfortable afterwards? You feel certain you're going to feel good when you run? 100%. You have variety when you run. Is like a totally different state. Yeah. Sometimes I'll go around the track this way. Sometimes I'll go around the track this way. Okay. Okay. And do you have a sense of significance? Like, I'm really changing. I'm improving. I'm becoming more. Some guy the other day, like this kind of tough guy was like, man, you've been out there for a while. That's cool. You feel good. Yeah. And do you feel more connected yourself or God when you're running, or the universe or nature or anything like that? Yeah. I feel like I'm able to have some, or like my brain will have conversations that maybe I've been meaning to have, or whatever. They just kind of show up while I'm running. And do you feel like you're growing by doing this running, by getting better? Um, yeah, I feel like it's not going to hurt me, that's for sure. Yeah. You know, and there may be some form of contribution that'll come out of it because because you feel so much better, you'll be able to give more. So you're meeting at least four or five of your needs by running. Yeah. Versus the drugs made you feel certain. Mhm. Did they make you feel variety? Um, no. That was the biggest problem. That was boring feelings. That's dead. Did they make you feel significant? No. No. And they make you feel connected? No. No. They make you feel like you're growing? No. Contributing to others? No. So it met one need. But when you get in the habit of it and you're numb, it's hard to shift.
So the only reason people shift is they hit a threshold. I'll give you the chemistry of transformation. You see how it works for you, okay? Like there's five elements that when they're there, people transform. So the first one that usually happens is satiation. Satiation means there's nothing wrong, but you've been doing the same thing over and over and over again. After a while, if your favorite meal was steak and lobster and you have it every day, three times a day, there's going to be a point where you go like, there's nothing wrong with steak and lobster, but man, I'm satiated. Right? And that makes you look around, what, what might, what might do different? But it doesn't usually make you change. It just opens your mind to change.
Then you need the second element, and that is dissatisfaction. Now it's not just you're doing it and it's not as good. Now you're doing it and it doesn't feel good. And you start to feel that in the relationship side. You like this. I don't, I don't want to feel this way. Then that's still not enough. That makes you look more for a change. That's the second piece of chemistry. The third piece of chemistry is now you hit a threshold. Thresholds like, you ever been in a relationship like way too long? You know? Oh yes. You, sorry, I want to apologize too to a couple of women. Um, yeah, you knew it was wrong. You knew it wasn't serving them or serving you, but you stayed because it was certain. It was hard to change. Being, well, what if I'm alone? Afraid to say certain things. Yeah. But if you got to the point where the way you stay is you go, it'll get better. It was better in the past. Or you jump to the future and say, it's better. But there's a day we hit threshold. You go, it's been painful in the past. It's painful today. It's going to be painful forever. I'm the F out of here, right? That's when people start to change. When you hit a threshold, you get the fourth piece, you get an insight. And the insight is, what's really true? And usually, you figure it out. It's not my partner, it's not my job, it's me. What's going on in me? And you make a distinction. And that creates an opening. Like there's a chance for you to change your life in that moment. You had that when you were here and you couldn't feel anything with this girl. You felt dissatisfaction. You eventually got to a threshold and you finally said, wait a second, these drugs are just making me numb. I got to do something. And you had to jump through the opening because you didn't know what was on the other side. Or there's uncertainty. A lot of people go through all that and they get to the opening. It only stays open for a few moments. If you don't do something with the insight, it closes. You start all over again. You got to go through all the time period of getting satiated and getting dissatisfied again, hitting a threshold. And some people just never jump through the hole.
So I used to kick people through the opening, you know? Yeah. I've seen a couple videos you've done, like, whoa. So, but right. But now what I do more is I, I bring them to the opening over and over and get them to jump through so they get the muscle. Because otherwise, it might last a year or two, but it's not going to last forever. If you do it, you got a chance of lasting for a long time. But you went through that chemistry. But very few people do. Yeah. You got dissatisfied enough.