3 Months on Dating Apps as an Average guy | What I learned

You know, after 3 to 4 months of being on dating apps, I kind of understand why most guys are giving up on dating nowadays. Because I don't see how, as an average guy, you're supposed to compete with the amount of attention and validation from social media and dating apps that most girls get. It's very easy to have the "grass is greener" mentality because of social media and dating apps. And the worst part about this is you can actually *see* when the grass is greener; it's not just maybe, you can quite literally see everything there is out there. Like, "Oh, look, this guy's taller, this guy has a nicer car, this guy's more famous, this guy's more status, this guy has a better physique." Oh, look at this couple; they're going on all these vacations and trips, and they look so cute together. I want that now.

Don't take this as an incel trying to pander to an echo chamber. I got on dating apps for the very first time last year, for about 3 to 4 months I was actively on it, just to see what the modern dating scene was like, and I actually did have a decent amount of success, but for one reason only: I was forced to be someone that I wasn't. I was forced to essentially play the game as if I was an attractive girl that had hundreds, if not thousands, of likes and messages—a boy, essentially. You see, one thing we can all agree on is the universal laws of push and pull when it comes to attraction. The more you care, the more you try, the less favorable it'll be to you in modern dating because the amount of attention girls get in comparison to guys—it's not even within the same stratosphere. There is literally no advantage to being an honorable, loyal, nice guy that talks to one girl at a time and tries to take his time getting to know her. It's a numbers game for us, and there's absolutely no advantage to taking that approach because they can sense when you're trying too hard; they can sense when you're too desperate and you don't have options; they can smell it off you, and it's not attractive to them. They can pick up on it.

Also, I don't know if this is just my experience, but a lot of girls on dating apps have the attention span of worse than a goldfish. I'm not going to lie; I mean, that's kind of what happens when you lay in bed scrolling TikTok and Instagram all day—your brain kind of just rots. Combine that with how many options and attention they get, the longer you take, the faster the interaction fades. That's why I always shoot for the number and a date after a few messages. Like, I'm not going to waste my time entertaining you, and it's just a matter of time before a better option shows up in their inbox.

Actually, one of my close friends made a fake account because we wanted to see how many likes girls actually get in comparison to guys, and also to see the level of competition that we were up against. I live in a pretty notable city, so there's a lot of people on dating apps here—Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, something about a fish—you know, all the apps. And we wanted to see how many likes girls get exactly and what other guys were saying so we could stand out and use it against them—chess checkers. Now, I'm not going to lie, he used a relatively attractive profile of an Asian girl. I would say, on a scale of 1 to 10, probably, probably somewhere around a 7.75 to 8 range. As guys, what's attractive to us is pretty objective and universal. And not even 24 hours—I'm not kidding—he got 400 likes from top-tier guys. Pause. Like, we're talking 6-foot-plus, gigachad, white dudes, tech bros, finance—all that, bro. I was blown away. Now, maybe the data was skewed because we used a more attractive girl, but it still gives you a general idea of the vast difference because I don't even think the top guys are getting even a fraction of those likes. As a matter of fact, most guys don't even get one to two likes per week because: one, girls don't send out likes when they have a plethora of options; and two, girls just don't chase guys. It's not how the male and female dynamic is wired. The guy is the one that asks the girl out; the guy is the one that gets on one knee. It's just how it is, no matter how much they try to change that. Gender roles are always in us, no matter how much they try to deny it and try to say it's societal when it's just biology. And also, three, because girls have so many more options than guys do, they have an inflated sense of ego as it pertains to their value in the dating market. Like, "Hold on, let me show you. Let's look at these dating me is like breathing for the first time. You should not go out with me if you can't handle Perfection. Dating me is like worshiping a goddess. I'm convinced that I'm probably just perfect, and it's everyone else around me that has issues." And trust me, these things aren't uncommon. And if you were a guy with these prompts, you would get laughed at. And the reason why they feel this way is because of the overwhelming amount of attention that they get. I remember one that said, "Being around my energy is a privilege," and I thought to myself, "Yo, if I was even getting half the attention or validation I'm getting like these girls are, I'd be a piece of [ __ ] as well, and I would ghost girls left and right as soon as something better comes along, or if she said something that was slightly annoying." That's why I don't blame them. If I was getting likes and messages of girls telling me how good I look, how amazing I am, simping for me all the time, I'd probably say some dumb [ __ ] like, "You shouldn't date me if you can't handle Perfection," as well. And that's why this isn't a gendered issue because if guys would stop giving these girls unreciprocated attention and stop simping for these girls, this wouldn't be as big of an issue as it is now.

It's kind of like this: if you were shopping for blueberry jam, right, and one store had two different brands and the other store had 200 different brands, you would be able to choose in less than a minute in the first store, and you would be at the second store for significantly longer, and then you'd start to care about every little difference of the blueberry jam and look at all the ingredients, and the smallest reason or ingredient can disqualify you in the eyes of a woman in modern dating. Let's take height for example, right? If you're a short guy—something you literally have no control of—that puts you at a significant disadvantage. Every girl I've been on a date with always brings up height and the guy having to be at least 3 to 4 inches taller than them. Like, they always say this. And the funny thing about this is if she's 5'4", I'll ask her, "Okay, so is 5'4" okay?" And then she'll be like, "Okay, maybe 5'7", 5'8"—that's pretty reasonable." Actually, let me show you this one: this girl said, "I go crazy for white men over 6 feet. Bro, please colonize me."

Given all these factors, it got me thinking about how average guys in the dating market are even supposed to compete. Like, genuinely, if you're a girl that disagrees, just think about how many guys you walk by every day who you wouldn't even breathe in their direction. Like, it's not a secret why a lot of guys are just giving up on dating; why passport bros is becoming a thing; why OnlyFans is a thing; why posting naked photos on the internet is a career; why pornography is one of the highest-grossing industries; why male loneliness is on the rise; why male self-deletion rates have been going sky-high; why less people are getting married; why less people are getting in relationships; why the male virginity rate is up. Like, all these things coincide with one another. Like, think about this: guys will literally travel overseas to a completely foreign nation, different continents, with people speaking foreign languages, in a completely different culture, just to find a potential wife. Like, that's how it is in the West when it comes to dating. Now, you could argue that's just online dating, but like, be honest: when is the last time you've seen someone in Gen Z, maybe even millennials, meeting at a grocery store or some library, dating, falling in love, and getting married? Maybe you could think of one, but I'm willing to bet everything that you know a lot more people are meeting through Instagram and dating apps.

Listen, I don't like it more than anyone else does. I don't even use social media. Before social media, your competition as a guy was your community; your competition was your coworkers; your competition was your social circle. And now your competition has expanded to everyone because if you don't have the high school sweetheart story—which most people don't—if you've entered the dating market, literally everyone is your competition because everyone has a direct line to anybody, and you can see all there is out there. You can see when the grass is greener. Combine this with all the other things I mentioned before—it's the reason why I was forced to play the game differently because I am an average guy as well.

In the game of blackjack, right, the dealer always has to hit until they reach 17 or if they bust. And my most success when I played blackjack was when I played the exact same way, void of any emotion—to hit until I get to 17 or higher. Just because I busted hitting on 16 the last hand, if I get 16 again, I'm going to hit again. I'm not going to play emotional; I'm going to play as if I was the dealer. I applied that logic to dating apps, and I did get much better results. At one point, I was getting 7 to 12 matches a day, and this was when I was really active, when I was swiping on everything. It was a numbers game, mainly on Hinge. Now, for me, my excuse for being on dating apps was for me to sharpen my blades, to better my conversation skills. I also really wanted to see if the modern dating scene was as bad as everyone was saying, and it honestly might be worse. Most matches don't lead to anything—again, it's why it's a numbers game and why it's not beneficial for you to just focus all your energy and attention on one girl. I could have the most game, be funny, but if I'm not up to par as it pertains to her standards for what she looks for in a man, it's not going to land anything. Most people on dating apps are looking for hookups, attention, and a few minority are looking for love, and if that's you, then good luck.

There was this girl I matched with; she was objectively a 9 out of 10—slim, thick, blonde, blue eyes, all-American, and conservative. And I remember her prompt said, "I go crazy for men in big, sexy red trucks," and I knew what would get her, too. I said, "What about a silver Prius with a Joe Biden sticker?" And I could tell off rip she wasn't attracted to me at all, but I got her to laugh, which was what got her to match. But in online dating, unfortunately, that only gets you so far. If you're not attractive to them, you just got to keep it pushing. Like, don't beat a dead horse, because a lot of guys do this because, like I said, a lot of girls on these dating apps are looking for attention and validation. But surprisingly enough, I did really well with Hispanics and Latinas. Like, I don't know what it is, but my match rate with them was much higher than even Asians, so shout out to Hispanics and Latinos—I got a lot of love from them. But I only started having a lot of success when I genuinely didn't care and barely invested in the conversations. Like, that energy translated really well and shifted the power dynamic. Like, I would say the most random things in response to prompts, and it would work. Like, I just wouldn't care, and that translated. Whenever I say these random things, a lot of times it's not what you say, but it's how you say it and the message you're conveying because they're so used to guys saying, "You're beautiful, your eyes, your smile," whatever, whatever. And when you give free attention for no return, you are losing value in their eyes. And if you take all this into account as an average guy, it's understandable why a lot of them are giving up on dating. Like, it's just not worth it. And you don't got to take my word for it; just look at the dating app subreddits, and you'll see yourself—all these guys showing their profiles, asking what they can do better and how they don't get a single match. And a lot of these guys aren't what you'd expect; like, they're not weirdos. Okay, maybe some of them are, but a lot of them are like nice, genuine guys that are actually looking for something. And also, not to mention, you got to have thick skin as well as an average guy trying to date in 2024 because you will get rejected; you will get ghosted; you will get unmatched; you will have your hopes up for a girl you've been going back and forth with, and all of a sudden she ghosts you because a better option came up; you will get flaked on; you will go days, weeks, months without any success. And by the way, even when you finally get a girl to go on a date with you, in the back of your mind you're always wondering if she's just getting a free dinner out of you. This isn't a reach, by the way; I've seen it; it happens. I'm pretty sure I had this one girl trying to finesse me as well. One girl even told me to take her to Nobu, and yeah, she was like an 8 or 9; I'm not going to lie; like, she was out of my league in terms of value in the dating market for sure; like, she was bad. And I kind of just played along; I was like, "I don't mind taking you to Nobu, but don't you think we should save that for the second or third date?" And obviously, I wasn't going to take her to Nobu; you're out of your mind. Again, even though she was extremely attractive, I'm not going to lie, she was bad. But it is becoming extremely difficult for average guys to date in 2024 and find love. It's kind of sad, but it's just the way it is now.

What is the solution? What's the remedy? It's easy to point out all these problems; what can people actually do? For me, even though I had some success, none of these girls I went on dates with were actually girls I take seriously, if I'm being honest. So the answer I ended up with was: I'm going to stop chasing. I'm going to be the best version of myself and elevate my life to a point where I have a pool of options. Like, I don't want to be swimming at the bottom of dating apps, fighting for the attention of a six—no offense. Like, I'm not just talking about looks; it's much easier and less of a headache when you're no longer the one chasing and pursuing all the time and playing all these games. Like, every guy has been the chaser; every guy has been the pursuer. Some elevate to a point where they're the ones being pursued, but I guess it's really dependent on where you are at in life, what you want, and the quality of person you want to be your partner. For example, I'm not going to lie, I don't want to marry a person who's on dating apps. I'm just going to be honest; like, 3 to 4 months was all I needed for me to confirm this, and maybe I shouldn't be saying that, but whatever. Like, I'm at the point now where I know what I want, and I know how she looks metaphorically, and I know what I have to do and where I have to go in life in order to be worthy of that. And generally speaking, I would say that's the best option for most guys—to just stop chasing because men and women, again, are reflections on one another in society. If guys stop simping, stop chasing, stop giving unreciprocated attention, then naturally the inflated sense of ego women get from guys doing this goes back down. When you stop chasing girls, you begin focusing on your life again. I can't tell you the amount of guys that chase girls all the time at our age, just chasing sex or hookups, and again, I'm not excluding myself from this as well—we're all in the same boat; like, I'm guilty of this as well, but I don't take anything serious; I'm just sharpening my blades, and I'll never give my attention for nothing. And when guys stop giving unreciprocated attention, stop simping, stop chasing, eventually everyone starts dating within their levels again. Like, the girl you want is probably attracted to the guy that focuses on himself because every other guy is chasing her, giving her attention, liking her pictures in her direct messages, telling her how beautiful she is. Just try to keep in mind: if it's not scarce, it holds no value, and if it holds no value, then there's no attraction there anyways. I think I'll leave this one at that. Let me know what you guys think about the modern dating scene, anyways. Yeah, make sure you guys stay true. I'll talk to you guys real soon. Peace.