Transcription
Have you ever felt like your thoughts are running the show? Like, no matter how hard you try to push them away, they keep coming back louder than ever. Maybe you deal with intrusive thoughts that feel terrifying, or you constantly overthink every decision, or you beat yourself up with negative thoughts that tell you you're a waste of space. These thoughts can feel really overwhelming and can seem to stop you from moving forward in your life, or from being happy, or doing your work, or building relationships.
So, if that sounds like you, then let me teach you an exercise that can help you break free from struggling with intrusive thoughts or overthinking. It's called the Passengers on the Bus Metaphor from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This metaphor was developed by Steven Hayes, the founder of ACT, and it offers a simple but powerful shift. You are not your thoughts; you are the driver of your life.
So, imagine you're a bus driver. Everybody hold on! This bus represents your life, and you get to decide where to go. Your job is to steer the bus toward your values. These are things like love, connection, growth, or purpose. But here's the catch. Just like your mind, your bus isn't empty. It's packed with passengers, and these passengers are your thoughts. They're your emotions, and they're your memories. Sometimes passengers get on, and sometimes passengers get off, right?
Some of these passengers are friendly and encouraging. They say things like, "Thanks for picking me up!" "You're a great driver!" Right? Or you have thoughts like, "I'm really grateful to have supportive friends and family," or "I'm getting better at things that used to be hard for me."
But other thoughts are loud, or critical, or annoying, or even threatening. They might yell things at you like, "You're a terrible driver!" "This is too scary! Turn back!" "You're never ever going to make it! So why even try?" Common intrusive thoughts include things like, "What if I lose control and hurt someone?" "Did I say something offensive?" "What if my partner secretly doesn't love me?" "What if I'm a bad person?"
Okay. Let's imagine an example. Let's use Sarah. Sarah struggles with social anxiety. She values connection and meaningful friendships. But every time she thinks about going to a social event, passengers on her bus start yelling, "You're going to embarrass yourself! People will think you're awkward! You should just stay home where you're safe!"
Now, in the past, Sarah listened to these passengers. She would cancel plans last minute. She would avoid meeting new people. She would distract herself with her phone. But this avoidance made her feel isolated, disconnected, and regretful.
Now, these thoughts can feel so real that they pull you off course. The passengers might demand that you stop the bus, that you take a detour, or even that you let them drive. These thoughts try to convince you that they're in control. But here's the power: they don't actually have the power to steer. Only you do, okay?
Now, on the other hand, sometimes we listen to these thoughts, we believe them, and we let them tell us what to do. But a lot of us also react to intrusive thoughts not by listening to them, but by fighting them. So, does your bus driver self ever argue with the passengers to try to prove them wrong? You might try anything to get rid of these thoughts, these passengers. You might yell at them and try and throw them off the bus. But to do that, you have to get up from your driver's seat and move away from driving in the direction you want to go. You might stop driving just to appease them.
But the problem is, the more you argue with these kinds of thoughts, the louder they get. For example, imagine a passenger might say, "Oh, you're a terrible person!" And if you start arguing, "No, I'm not! I do good things!" The passenger will probably remind you, "Oh, yeah? What about how you screwed up that thing at work yesterday?" And guess what? You're now sucked into a power struggle with your own mind. The more you fight the thought, the more power it has to hold you back.
When we fight our thoughts, we usually lose track of where we were going in the first place. When we spend a lot of time trying to argue with our thoughts, then it generally doesn't help us live that rich, meaningful, purposeful life that we're trying to work towards with our day-to-day actions. Okay. So fighting with thoughts is just as harmful as listening to them. Oh, gosh! Okay.
So, you might wonder, like, "But what if my thoughts are dangerous, right? Just like with this bus. Like, what if the passengers attack me if I don't listen to them? Shouldn't I force them off the bus?" Okay. This is where we often stall out with intrusive thoughts. They seem so frightening that we get stuck trying to control them, or even worse, we get stuck avoiding them. Okay.
So, intrusive thoughts like, "Oh my gosh! What if my partner doesn't love me? This is terrifying to me." Like, I have to check with them over and over and over again. Or you might have an intrusive thought like, "What if I hurt my baby?" This is a really common intrusive thought that comes after moms have babies.
Now, the truth is, unlike actual passengers in a bus, our thoughts cannot hurt us. So, the goal of this exercise is to help us build up the skills to notice the thoughts and just say, "Thank you, brain, for coming up with another thought. That one's not helpful." Right? So, in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, this is called diffusion, getting unstuck from thoughts instead of fighting them. Trying to get rid of uncomfortable thoughts or feelings often leads to us spinning our wheels, getting distracted, getting out of our driver's seat, and getting quite stuck.
So, Sarah, for example, with the social anxiety, Sarah would spend a lot of time trying to force herself to feel confident. "Yeah! I have to be confident! Well, what if I'm not confident enough? Well, I'm fine! I'm fine! It'll be great! Everyone's going to like me. But what about Bob? I'm not sure he likes you, right?" She tried to force herself to think and feel confident before going to the party, and if she couldn't change her thinking, which sometimes happened, she wouldn't go to the party.
Now, if you're busy arguing with your thoughts, or debating with your thoughts, or listening to your thoughts, you might stop making decisions. You might avoid risks. You might withdraw from relationships, or just give up on the things that matter to you to keep the passengers quiet. So they're like, "Hey! Don't go that way! That might be dangerous! You're going the wrong direction! What if something bad happens?" And you're like, "Fine! I'm going to park my bus. I'm going to stop going the way I wanted to go. I'm just going to look at Netflix all day and try not to be bothered by my thoughts." Right?
But by doing that, you're letting those intrusive thoughts or negative thoughts decide what you do with your life. You're no longer able to pay attention to where you want your bus to go because you're so wrapped up in trying to make the passengers be quiet or to try to convince them to change. We're going to stick with this exercise because with practice, you're going to learn that the passengers' thoughts and emotions, they can't actually hurt you. They just can get really loud at times. Okay.
So, instead of stopping the bus to argue with the passengers, or pulling over so that they don't yell at you, we're going to take a different approach. Instead of fighting the passengers, fighting our thoughts, trying to control them, what if rather than trying to kick them off or arguing, you just acknowledge their presence and you keep driving anyway. Okay. So this doesn't mean that you like the thoughts. It doesn't mean that you agree with them. It just means that you recognize that they don't have to stop you.
So, when a self-doubt passenger pipes up with, "I don't think you can pull this off!" You would say, "Thanks for your input, but I'm still driving toward what matters to me." "What if your husband doesn't love you?" "You know what? I'm just going to keep investing in my relationship. Thanks for popping up, brain, but I don't need to listen to you." Okay.
Some of these passengers might always be on your bus, that's okay. You don't need them to leave before you can move forward. The goal isn't to get rid of them; it's to drive toward your values. And that's where a lot of times we get distracted. You have to pull the bus over, stop going where you want to go, and spend all your energy trying to get rid of them, or you can choose, "You know what? I'm just going to keep working toward building up my relationships." Right?
So here's how you can use this metaphor in your own life to manage intrusive thoughts, negative thoughts, really loud overthinking thoughts. Right?
Step number one: Identify your passengers. So, take a minute. If you're struggling with negative or intrusive thoughts, take a moment to write down some of the thoughts, emotions, or memories that tend to show up and derail you. What do they say? What do they try to convince you of? They might say things like, "No one likes you! You're never good enough! You shouldn't try! You might fail!" Right? Okay.
Step two: We're going to name and externalize the passengers. So, we're going to give each of these types of thoughts a name, like, "Hey! You're the Worry Wart! And this one is the Criticizer!" Right? And you externalize them. And by doing that, by giving them a name, this can help you see that these thoughts aren't you. You are not your thoughts; they're just passengers on the bus. So, I often am like, "Oh, hey! There's my perfectionist mind speaking up again! You're sure loud today. But I don't have to listen to you!" Okay.
Step three: You're going to acknowledge that they're there, but you don't have to engage with them. So, when these thoughts show up, you can practice saying, "I hear you, but I'm still driving!" You notice them, but you don't argue with them. Honestly, this is a skill. Like, the physical skill of driving while people say stuff is like, how you like actually get anywhere in a car. As a parent, you're like, "Okay, my kids are saying all kinds of things, I'm just going to focus on like driving."
When your thoughts are really persistent, you can imagine creating a little bit of space for them by imagining them sitting in the back of the bus rather than shouting from the front. Or you could just try like speaking to your thoughts by saying something like, "Wow, self-doubt, like you're really loud today! Looks like you need to go to the back of the bus!" But even if they don't listen to you, it doesn't matter because you're driving the bus. Over time, as you move toward your values, you'll probably find that some passengers quiet down, or that you simply don't pay as much attention to them.
Step four: This is the most important part. You keep your hands on the wheel. Right? You remind yourself where you want to go. What do you actually care about? What are your values? What kind of life do you want to create? Values are not the same as a destination. So, a destination might be like an actual concrete goal, like, "I want to get married." But the value is like, "I value connection. I value closeness. I value commitment." Right? So, for example, "I value speaking up for my beliefs. I value serving and loving others. I value hard work." Values are about knowing what direction you're going in. "I am traveling north."
Now, sometimes people wonder, "But what if I still have intrusive thoughts when I'm traveling north? What if the passengers keep yelling at me to turn around? What if my thoughts keep questioning my abilities? Shouldn't they be quieter?" Here's my answer: they don't matter. They're not the ones driving. Thoughts may seem to threaten you or others, but as you practice defusion, as you practice this ACT skill of noticing your thoughts without listening to them, or believing them, or fighting with them, you'll learn that thoughts can't actually hurt you. When you focus your energy and attention on what you can control, they just won't matter as much. They'll probably quiet down. So, no matter how loud the thoughts get, you keep driving in the direction that aligns with your goals. Okay.
So, back to Sarah. One day, Sarah decides to handle things differently. She reminds herself, "I'm the driver of this bus. My values, not my fears, decide where to go." Her value is connection, and that means showing up even if it's uncomfortable. So, she goes to the party, and the anxious passengers are still there. They whisper, "You're saying the wrong thing! Just leave!" But instead of arguing or trying to push them off, Sarah acknowledges them. "I hear you, but I don't have to listen to you or fight you. I'm choosing connection." So, she stays. She engages in small talk. She even enjoys herself. And over time, she realizes something. The more she drives toward her values, the less power the passengers have. They might come. They might go. Sometimes they're loud. Generally, they're quieter. And most importantly, they don't get to steer anymore. She starts to build better and deeper friendships, and she starts to feel more comfortable being around people. Sometimes those passengers still yell at her. "Oh, my gosh! I can't believe you said that yesterday!" Right? But she just doesn't listen to them as much.
This is how the Passengers on the Bus Exercise can help with social anxiety. You don't have to silence the fear; you just have to keep driving towards what matters. And really, the way our brains work is when we behaviorally act in a courageous way, it teaches our brain we don't have to be so scared and anxious anymore. Okay.
Final thoughts. Maybe instead of anxiety, you're struggling with negative self-talk, or emotion regulation, or setting healthy boundaries. I have posted a lot of videos about those topics, but I really like the Passengers on the Bus Metaphor as a tool for improving any of those things because when you see yourself as the driver, it's a really powerful way to shift your relationship with your thoughts and feelings. You really can coexist with those thoughts and those emotions or those physical sensations without letting them take control. And this is the essence of psychological flexibility. You don't have to control all your thoughts to live a full and meaningful life; you just have to keep driving in the direction that matters to you. Okay.
If this video was helpful for you and you'd like to get more tools for your mental health, you could sign up for my newsletter. Every week, I share a couple of videos and resources that can help you get better at feeling. And the next time a negative thought or uncomfortable emotion tries to hijack you on your journey, remind yourself, "I'm the driver! The passengers don't get to decide where I go!" And then keep driving. Okay. Thanks for watching and take care.
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