Transcription
The courage to be disliked, written by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kashimi, is a dialogue between a youth and a philosopher about Adler's psychology and popular philosophy. The philosophy we hear in most places is based, often, on Freud's ideas, which are quite popular even today, but Adler's ideas are not so popular as they often clash with conventional views. This book summary will help you figure out how to deal with traumas and be free from other people's expectations. You will also learn a few things about how our emotions work and how much power they have over us if we don't have courage.
Alrighty, so without further ado, let's dive right in.
Lesson number one: It takes courage to see the world without any filter. The world we live in seems so complex, doesn't it? But what if I tell you that it's simple? You won't believe me, right? After all, how could the world be a simple place with so many complexities? It's highly dynamic, and every time we turn on the news channel, we see so much drama that it feels chaotic. As a result, life feels so complicated. But if you look at it carefully, it's not the world that is complicated; it's actually the opposite. The world is simple, but human beings are complicated. So whatever we see or indulge in becomes complicated. Every person sees the world with a different filter; that's where complexities arise. It's hard to share your perspective with every other person. Many contradictions exist between what we see and what other people see. The surprising thing is that reality gets distorted when we look through filters. These filters are born due to our previous experiences and future expectations. We hardly look at reality without biases. But don't worry, there is still hope. We all can change for good, don't we? Unfortunately, it requires a great deal of courage. One has to let go of pre-existing beliefs to see the reality as it is. When you avoid change and stick to your rigid beliefs, you stop yourself from attaining happiness. You have two choices: either you can keep complaining about how twisted the reality is, or you can simply let go of your expectations and accept the truth. The former introduces complications into your life, while the latter helps you eliminate them. Note the word courage here. We all know its meaning, but do we practice it in real life? Are we ready to let go of all those things that are stopping us from achieving true freedom and happiness? The book shares many ideas from Greek philosophy and Adlerian psychology that helps us tackle these issues. Keep watching this video to learn more.
Lesson number two: Change is simple when you break free from the cycle of cause and effect. Before we discuss happiness, let's try to understand why we become sad and worried in the first place. Almost all of us are controlled by our pasts. We all hold some kind of bad memories that haunt us even today. Maybe you had a bad relationship with your parents; perhaps you were bullied at school; maybe you were not good at your studies, and nobody believed in you; maybe you grew up with no friends. It could be anything. The point is, there is always something in our memories that holds us back even today. Despite how much we discuss it, we can't find a way to eliminate them, right? Because if we could, we would have done that already. But Adlerian psychology argues that traumas don't exist. Adler said that we create those emotions to avoid the real issues. The book shares the story of a spoiled brat who wouldn't go out of his home because his parents abused him during his early teenage years. You might think that it's because his parents were abusive that the kid turned out to be like that, but that's not true, according to Adler's psychology. His current situation was not a result of his past experiences; that's the fundamental idea behind Adler's psychology. Most people create their own unhappiness, and no bad experience can influence their future. In other words, one can always change his present. Your past can't control you. We can break the cycle of cause and effect using our will. The kid we talked about had a goal not to go outside, as he was not comfortable with others, and he was using his bad experiences as an excuse to avoid any uncomfortable situation. You can also say that the kid didn't have the guts to face the unknown. Every time he thought about going outside, he lied to himself and thought about how his parents abused him in the past. The key to fighting any kind of trauma is to see how we are hiding behind our bad memories and avoiding reality. Remember that change is simple; it is us who make it complicated.
Lesson number three: Anger is a tool that people use to take revenge. Anger—we all know it, don't we? As soon as we get angry, there is no controlling us. That sudden burst of energy is uncontrollable, right? Wrong. Adler argued that emotions don't have the power to control us; instead, we can resist them. Then why do we speak as if all emotions are out there to get us? The thing is, we all have goals that we want to achieve. For instance, what if a waiter spills the tea on your shirt? What would you do in that case? Most people who believe that they can't control their anger would suddenly start shouting at that person and then justify that their anger took them over. But this is not true. They wanted to let out their frustration and cool it down by shouting at the person who made the mistake. Instead, they could let go of their momentary anger and say it could happen with anyone else. This doesn't mean that emotions have no power; they are powerful indeed, but they are not above us. We can resist our emotions and choose whether to act based on them or not. Anger can be helpful too, but unfortunately, most people sought to take revenge in the name of anger. Remember that you are a human being; you are not a powerless stone that anybody can toss around. You have the power to choose what meaning you assign to your emotions.
Lesson number four: All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. According to Adler's psychology, what if the world didn't have any problems? It'd be amazing, right? But it's impossible. The reason is, for such a condition to be true, there should be only one human being in the universe. Yes, if you were all alone, there would be no problems. You wouldn't need to compete with anyone; you would be the ruler of the universe. There would be no spouse to fight with or no kids to take care of; there would be no rules to follow. But as soon as there is more than one individual, problems arise, and realistically, that is not going to happen anyway. The key idea here is that all problems are, one way or the other, interpersonal relationship problems. This includes two things: your relationship with yourself and your relationship with others. If either one of these is not correct, you are bound to get complications in your life. If you see every other person as your competition, you will always keep struggling and will never be able to build great interpersonal relationships. The very first step here is to figure out your identity. How do you see yourself? If you see yourself above others, you will have a superiority complex. On the other hand, you will have an inferiority complex if you see everyone else above yourself. Both are not good if you want to have happiness in your life.
Lesson number five: Inferiority complex is an excuse for not taking responsibility. First of all, both inferiority and superiority complexes are normal. If you have any one of them, don't feel guilty about it. Everybody has those feelings; it's a part of being a human. The problem is, most people don't know how to manage them properly. If you feel inferior to someone, it only means that a part of you wants you to grow. It boils down to your viewpoint. If you keep feeling inferior and use it as an excuse, you won't be able to grow. But if you use it as a stimulant for growth, you will outclass your present self. The philosopher in the book explains that it's healthy as long as you compare yourself with your ideal self, but as soon as you start comparing yourself with every second person, you would fall into one of those complexes, which is not healthy at all. It takes away your happiness. Remember that, since you are a human being, your fundamental responsibility is to reach your highest potential, to become your ideal self, to become the person you always wanted to be when you were a kid. But when you fall into the comparison trap, you waste your energy satisfying other people's expectations and mold yourself according to other people's world views. Ever thought about why most people do the latter? That's because it requires a lot of courage to become your ideal self. You have to overcome a lot of hurdles along the way. On the flip side, it's easy to feel superior by calling a person inferior and competing for irrelevant milestones unrelated to your ideal self.
Lesson number six: See people as your comrades, not your enemies. This comparison mindset needs to change because it makes you feel as if every other person is your enemy. You can't focus on self-growth when you have your mind filled with jealousy. The trick here is to shift your mindset from win-lose to win-win. This is the same idea that Stephen Covey discussed in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. What's the point of winning if only you win and everybody else around you loses? With whom will you share your victory then? Sadly, most people live as if they are running a race, but in reality, we all have to race with ourselves without competing with others. This would help you get free of worries, and every milestone you will achieve would give you immense happiness. The reality is that even if you don't compete with anyone, other people will find ways to compete with you. You will find many people who would hold a grudge against you for random reasons. You might even want to take revenge, but beware, don't fall into that trap. Revenge is only going to make things worse. You can make wise choices; you can always resist your emotions and think properly.
Lesson number seven: Have the courage to be disliked if you want absolute freedom from other people's judgments. Absolute freedom comes when you can live your life based on your terms, free from other people's expectations. But often, when we discuss interpersonal relationships, there is a conflict between expectations. You might find your close friends or relatives disliking you if you don't do what they expect of you. Even if you try to satisfy everybody else, you will have to sacrifice your own choices, and unfortunately, even then you might have a few left who won't be satisfied. So what should one do in such a complicated situation? The solution here is draw or define a boundary between you and the other person. If the other person has unrealistic expectations from you, you don't have to change yourself; that's not your task. You can't control what other people think anyway. Does this mean you don't have to care what other people think and become selfish? Not at all; it's the other way round. If someone is trying to manipulate you through his expectations or emotional drama, that is selfish. Keep in mind that the other person can only manipulate you if you don't have control over your emotions. In that case, you need the courage to be disliked and not be manipulated by your emotions. On the surface, this might look like a scary recipe to push people away from you, but it's not. Good relationships don't bind people through emotional dramas or conflicts; instead, they liberate you. By the way, if you love learning by reading books, I highly recommend you visit whisperscout.com and sign up for my weekly newsletter to stay updated and get access to 100 plus detailed book summaries on business, finance, and personal growth.
Lesson number eight: To have a true sense of your worth, contribute to the community. Do you know why some people have inflated egos? That's because they have an inferiority complex. The root cause of the inferiority complex is not knowing one's self-worth. When you don't know your true worth, you constantly fear that other people might outshine you or grab more opportunities than you, or sometimes people have inflated egos because they think they are more deserving than others. Both are not true. Nobody is superior, and nobody is inferior. In fact, such a complex is dangerous. Adler says that we all are a part of the larger community. The exciting part is that he doesn't just talk about communities formed around common interests or regions; he goes broader than that. Adler believes that there is one more extensive community of human beings where no person is the center. This philosophy goes against selfish people who think they are superior. Does this mean that nobody has any worth? It's the opposite, actually. Adler means that every human being has equal worth. Every person can contribute to this larger global community in some way. You can't give something from nothing, right? So when you give or contribute anything to the community, you feel a sense of worth. That worth doesn't inflate your ego; instead, it highlights your true nature. It gives you freedom and happiness.
Lesson number nine: You can be of worth by simply being with others. When we think about worth, the first thing that comes to our minds is money. But a person's real worth is not always calculated by how much money he has. What if a person is financially poor and can't help anybody? Will he still have worth? Yes, definitely. As we discussed, a person's worth can be due to many reasons. For instance, older adults who can't provide anything also have worth, as they can provide emotional support or knowledge to the young ones. Their presence itself has a worth that they can provide to the other person. Judging a person only on the basis of money is a limited way of seeing life. Remember that life is more significant than money. Now you tell me, what is your biggest takeaway from this book summary? Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts. I highly recommend you purchase this book and read it at least once. Link is in the description below. Thanks for watching.