Transcription
I'm Dr. Orion Taraban and this is Psych Hacks, better living through psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is never restore a woman.
Look guys, your ex is an ex for a reason. With very few exceptions, I don't recommend getting back together with someone you've broken up with. Especially if that someone is the one who ended the relationship. There are always reasons why a relationship ends and this is true irrespective of whether you know what those reasons are. And it's typically unlikely that those reasons have thoroughly resolved themselves in the interim. Especially if they're due to personality differences. Like people don't change that deeply, that quickly. So if you get back together, it's generally only a matter of time before the same issues start to rear their ugly heads.
That said, some people are really, really really invested in getting their exes back. And just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that people should refrain from entertaining further relations with their exes under any and all circumstances. What I am suggesting is that those relations should be restricted and in some cases, which I will explain later, avoided altogether.
Basically, if a woman ended your relationship and she comes back into your life after a certain amount of time, typically after whatever she hoped to achieve with someone else didn't work out, and if you decide to re-engage with her, you must never ever ever ever ever restore her to her previous level of commitment. If she was a wife, if she was a girlfriend when she left, she can't be a wife or a girlfriend when she comes back, period, end of story.
This person, of her free and spontaneous will, broke the relationship agreement. This demonstrated a lack of loyalty to both you and the relationship, and as a result, will now significantly compromise the trust that can reasonably exist between the two of you moving forward. This should come as no surprise, but I need to say it out loud. You cannot have a stable, committed relationship with someone you don't trust because of her track record of behavior in the relationship.
This means that if she ever does come back, because you're not chasing her down, right, guys? Right? You're not chasing her down. If she ever does come back, the only relationship structure you can possibly consider at this point is that of casual sexual partner, like a friends with benefits kind of situation. This is because different relationship structures require different levels of trust to function. The more intimate and important the relationship, the more trust is essential to its operation. This means that you actually don't need to have a lot of trust to have a casual relationship, and that's good because you shouldn't have a lot of trust in someone who ended your relationship.
At this point, the woman is not an applicant, she's a supplicant. And people can come back into your life through correction, but they cannot come back into the position they previously occupied. And they can't come back because that position literally doesn't exist anymore. It doesn't exist. And why doesn't exist? Because you've since changed, both as a consequence of the passage of time and the relationship ending. And because you've changed, the relationship dynamic that would best suit you and your needs will have changed as well. It's like Heraclitus said, you can't step into the same river twice. By the same token, you can't have the same relationship twice even with the same person. The old relationship will not fit into the new present moment and in general, the more time has elapsed since the breakup, the greater the mismatch between the old structure and the new moment. Trying to force it anyway will not accomplish your goals even if you succeed.
Why? Because whether you're aware of it or not, you're probably trying to recapture a feeling. A feeling that you had at some point in this previous relationship. And that's not how feelings work, my dudes. Have you ever gone back to one of your favorite hangouts after some time has passed? Doesn't feel the same, does it? At best, you're going to feel a kind of satisfying nostalgia for a time that no longer exists. And at worst, the new experience will be so discordant with your emotional memory that you'll leave wishing that you had never come back. I know this might be difficult to hear, but you won't be able to get that feeling back even if you were to get back together with your ex.
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Again, I don't recommend getting back with an ex, especially if she was the one who ended the relationship. And if you do get back together with one, you should only ever entertain the possibility of a casual relationship. However, even this caveat has a caveat. That is, there are certain exes with whom you can't even have a casual relationship, and trying to have even this type of relationship is likely to end in suffering. So, there are two kinds of exes with whom you can't even have a casual relationship if they end up coming back into your life. Let's talk about each one in turn.
The first is the aggressive or unhinged ex. As stated previously, you don't need a good deal of trust to have a casual relationship with a woman. Just enough trust that she's, say, not going to slip a knife between your ribs or burn your house down while you're sleeping. And if your ex is sufficiently aggressive or unhinged, you actually can't trust that she won't do those things. Like this This happens every day, guys. If she has a track record of being aggressive or unhinged, you cannot have any further dealings with her. Period. Period. Stop. This includes being physically violent, of course, but also forms of relational aggression like stalking or spreading rumors. These women are walking red flags. They are in the no-go zone, guys. I don't care how hot she is, you cannot allow her to come back into your life. It's just not worth it. So, if you can't have some self-respect, at least try to have some self-preservation. These women are dangerous. Even if they don't actually manage to hurt you, it doesn't matter. They tried. They tried to hurt you. You don't give someone another chance to shoot you just because they missed the first time.
And that brings us to the second type of ex with whom you can't have a casual relationship. The ex you're still in love with. This one's going to hurt, but it's true. You can't have a casual relationship with someone you're in love with. And that's because you won't be able to maintain the casual framework. After a few weeks or a few months, you will almost certainly end up restoring that woman to her previous level of commitment, which as discussed is what you must never ever do. Of course, these are the exes that men most want to get back involved with, but doing so just reinforces a pattern of instability and mistrust. So, you got to be real honest with yourself. If you're still in love with a woman, it's probably not a good idea to try to have a casual relationship with her. Sorry to be a downer, but I got to keep it real with you.
Remember, guys, if she comes back, it's probably because it didn't work out with the other guy or she couldn't find someone better. Hm. And a woman who behaves like that ain't wifey. So, there is no need There is no need to put her on a relationship track that is even remotely oriented in that direction. In general, it's better to just let bygones be bygones and move on with your life. Learn your lessons, surrender any resentment in time, and keep moving forward. It's only a matter of time before you find someone who's a better fit for what you're trying to build.
What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below, and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know somebody who's hung up on their ex, and is doing some boneheaded things, like be a good friend and pass along this message. Um this is how the channel grows. These kinds of word of mouth referrals.
Also, other value propositions. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter, where I do giveaways and write original content, or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly, can find out more on my website. There's also my books, the best seller The Value of Others, where I explore my economic model of relationships, and my novel, I wrote a novel, Starry Night, which explores the final weeks in the life of painter Vincent Van Gogh through a psychological lens. Last but not least, there is my private community, The Captain's Quarters. The Captain's Quarters is where we bridge the gap between theory and practice. I take all of these teachings from a that I give to a general YouTube audience, and apply them to your specific circumstances in live group consultation calls. There's also a whole host of other things, but that's kind of the big draw. If you're curious, the links to everything are in the description below. Tons of value there that just doesn't make it on YouTube.
As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.