Transcription
Ah, England: the glorious forebear of Western civilization. *Ahem*, yes…and creator of the chip, the English contribution to world cuisine. There’s a little-known story about our dear motherland that you won’t find in the school curriculum, and that’s the one time England almost converted to Islam. Yes, it’s quite the bizarre story, and it starts with our good friend King John.
You see, while being King of England usually came with a number of benefits, unfortunately for John in 1199, having money was not one of them. The previous King of England, John’s brother Richard I (a.k.a. Richard the Lionheart, a.k.a. BraveDaddy – don’t call him Dick; he doesn’t like that) had been rather liberal with his spending. First, he went off to reclaim Jerusalem in the Third Crusade, with the end result being a mountain of expenses and a grand total of 0 reclaimed Jerusalems (although – honorable mentions – he did conquer Sicily and Cyprus on the way there). However, on the way back, Richard was imprisoned by the opportunistic Holy Roman Emperor, Henry VI, who really just couldn’t resist earning some free money. That little maneuver cost the English crown two years of its revenues (thank you very much), and in the end it was all for naught, for just a few years later Dick – Richard, that is – died of an infected crossbow wound.
And thus, jolly old John was left with a lot of land to defend – remember, England at the time owned vast swathes of what we’d now call France – and precious few resources with which to defend it. What followed was arguably the worst series of defeats in English history: in the span of several years, John lost Normandy, Anjou, and Maine; he got excommunicated by the Pope; and his English vassals would eventually sit him down and get him to sign the Magna Carta. Suffice to say, King John was not having a good time.
He was in desperate need of new allies, and so he did what any sensible Medieval monarch would do: he expanded his Tinder discovery settings. Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left… ooh, bingo! One of the first new matches was al-Nasir, the Caliph of the Almohads. His Muslim realm stretched across North Africa and into modern Spain, yet it was threatened to the north by France and the rising Iberian Kingdoms. Now, while military aid between the two realms would’ve been logistically difficult, it was theoretically possible… and for John, that was good enough.
In 1212, he sent a royal delegation to the Muslim ruler. The man in charge was a curious fellow: Robert of London, a Jewish convert with a love for gold and intrigue. Supposedly, Robert conveyed to al-Nasir the following offer: King John was ready to swear fealty and to abandon Christianity in favor of Islam, as long as the Muslims were willing to help him reclaim his lost territories in France. It’s questionable how receptive the English population would’ve been to such a radical change, but ultimately things never got that far, for in private, Robert told al-Nasir that King John was a cruel tyrant who knew only failure. The Caliph rewarded Robert for his honesty and sent the rest of the envoy off empty-handed.
When Robert returned to his King, he showed the gifts as proof that he’d had a very productive conversation with the Muslim ruler, for which John rewarded him with even more gifts and a position as abbot of St Albans. The fact that we even know of this story is because Robert bragged to the wrong person: he told all of this to a monk at his abbey who happened to have the hobby of writing everything down. Funnily enough, that monk would later write that Robert was eventually caught and exiled for embezzling church funds.
But anyway, this whole ordeal ultimately amounted to nothing, for al-Nasir died a year later at the hands of the Crusaders, with King John himself kicking the bucket not long after. Of course, there are some arguments that Robert had intentionally mistranslated the King’s proposal: perhaps what John was really offering was to merely pay tribute. Some historians even argue that the meeting never took place (shock, horror!), which may very well be the case, though one should never underestimate the power of desperation.
Unlike King John, we here at SideQuest intend on being much more successful in our conquests. In fact, I dare say that the conquest of YouTube has been coming along quite nicely these past few weeks, so a big hearty thanks to you all out there for proudly flying the SideQuest banner. And if you happen to be new here, please make sure to subscribe and to share our videos around, and maybe even consider purchasing a minor title of nobility on our Patreon (they’re very hot commodities these days, you know). In any case, as Morgan would say, you gotta keep a watchful eye out over the coming weeks for the next fantastically feudal episode of SideQuest.
– Cause at Shawshank, Andy never misses an episode.
– Hey, now wait a second, I thought you told my agent that my name was gonna be up on that scrolling screen thing over there.
– Oh yes, we’ll get that sorted. Don’t worry! Good. Oh, look over there, pizza!