If he's contemptuous, angry, vindictive, passive aggressive, sarcastic, snarling, dismissing you, it's a bad sign. Very bad sign. Because men don't get better over the course of relationships like that. They get worse.

Now, this is mandatory. Ladies out there, do not bond with a man until he gives you all four of these and a committed relationship. As a couple's therapist for over 15 years, you say men and women aren't even speaking the same language when it comes to sex and intimacy. That after sex, women feel like it's been this beautiful soul-bonding experience, while men feel like they just ate a hamburger. So, you've got to explain because every single woman watching right now is officially outraged.

For women, the sexual act is usually a very emotional one, right? You're going to have sex with somebody you trust. For men, there doesn't have to be a trust element there, turns out, for most men. Uh, but for women, the bonding experience, you release all these special hormones during the experience. During, if you climax, all of these hormones surge, and they're supposed to make you like the other person, right? But men, if they're not set up properly in the relationship, if they don't get into the experience with you properly, they don't feel that at all. They get a release of dopamine. It's just like a sugar high. It feels really good. It says, "This was a great hamburger. When I'm hungry again, I'll come here again. I owe you nothing. You owe me nothing. Thank you." Right? And they leave. And the woman is brokenhearted because she says, "I would only have had sex with someone if I trusted them, right? I thought we had a connection. I was connected. What happened? I thought I made you feel good. Why are you leaving me?"

I tell women this: Do not have sex with a man until you have a committed relationship. >> Oh. >> Don't, because either you're going to stop compatibility testing, and you're going to get love-drunk on him, and your brain will say, "Don't ask hard questions. Don't ask for clarification. Don't provoke him. Don't drive him away." So, you just settle. So, the moment you start having sex, you settle and you stop. Same thing for him. He gets drunk on it and he says, "Okay, well, that's it. I've earned everything I need. I don't have to change. This is as far as we need to go." >> You've signaled to his brain that he doesn't need to do anymore.

Women are specifically bonding through intimacy and connection and safety. Men bond through problem-solving. They bond through working together. They bond through fixing stress. They bond through hard conversations. They bond, they grow trust that way through vasopressin, is the hormone. And if you activate that, he is incredibly monogamous. We have found through through research that if you take mammals who have low vasopressin, they're cheating constantly. >> And if you inject them with vasopressin, they stop cheating and become fiercely monogamous. >> What? >> If they have high vasopressin and they're very monogamous and you block their receptors for vasopressin, suddenly they're cheating constantly. And we can reverse that effect. So, we know that vasopressin, the human brain, especially in the male brain, says, "You are my person. You're my ally. I'm going to protect you. I'm going to protect the relationship. I am loyal to death." That's where he starts releasing that connection. That's where he wants to snuggle after sex. That's where he loves the experience. And then it's not a hamburger anymore. It's intimacy. That's where he really falls.

Okay, I actually like to move on to something you call the post-nut clarity, which is men don't actually feel closer after sex, and there's something called the coyote ugly effect where men want to basically escape and chew off their own arm after sex. >> Well, that's not me, but I've I've heard those terms before, very much so. Uh, those terms are rife in the red pill community. Those terms are rife. But the problem is that a lot of men are out there desperate, hormonally imbalanced, not happy. They don't know how to connect to a woman. Most men, the executive men that I work with, I ask them, "What do you want from a woman at all? Why would you want a wife?" And they can't even answer. They have no idea. So, they want something they can't define. And their brain says, "I'm emotionally and biochemically starved." Most men don't have touch at all, affectionate touch at all after the age of 10, even with family or friends. So, the only touch they have is sex. So, I'm starving. I should find someone to have quick sex with. And then they find someone who she says, "I'm not worthy of love, but maybe if I have sex with somebody, he'll like me." And that's a recipe for disaster. So, after sex, he goes, "Oh, man. I got my needs met, but I'm done. I'm out of here. I have no emotional connection to you at all. I got the dopamine and I'm out, but now I have to play games with your feelings here. I don't want that." So, he wants to escape. >> And she is more connected than ever because now she's hoping this is a growing romance. That's the disaster that with with Tinder, with dating apps, with casual sex. It's setting everybody up to be miserable. And it's it's destroying him too, because now all he's done is meet a desperate need, but in the worst possible way, and then create a disaster of a train and a train wreck as he leaves. It sets him up to repeat that cycle in a week or two.

So, is it kind of like you're on a diet and you get hungry because all you're eating is lettuce? >> And so you're like, "I'm just going to have the ice cream." And then once you've had the ice cream, you kind of beat yourself up over having the ice cream. Is it kind of like that with guys? Is that what's happening? >> It's even worse than that. I want you to imagine somebody who has survived on nothing but stale beef jerky for the last 30 years, and occasionally he walks across a gourmet meal that someone has left on the street. He attacks it. He eats it as fast as he can. Then it's done. He's not going to stay there. He's just going to keep going. He doesn't understand where the food came from, how it came to be. He has no connection, no intimacy, no bonding. He doesn't, he's not going to wait outside the restaurant hoping it happens again. He's going to move on. Most men are so starved >> and they have no idea how relationships even work that they can't form proper bonds anymore. Most men want them, but they don't know what they look like or how to do it. Most men have never seen a functioning relationship themselves. Women intuitively try to build it. Men don't even learn that. They just go it alone. >> So, most men are starving.

Okay. You say there's actually three ways that a woman can get a guy to emotionally bond to her >> during sex. >> During sex. All right. So, you've got number one, the "help me get there" method. >> Yes. So, most women, they go into bed and they tune out completely from their own body, and it's a sexual experience to please him and make him happy. It is a service she provides. >> It is not a shared experience at all. They think that's the that's that's the maximum time to make him happy. This is when I'll make sure he doesn't leave me. This is when I'll make his mood go up. This is so he'll be nicer to the kids. This is so that he'll just be, he'll want to spend time with me later. It's a performance that she's doing. >> And what most women fail to understand is that if he loves you, he wants you to get there, too, and have a fun time. That's why a lot of men, if they love you, they go in and they're like, "All right, babe. Tonight, we're doing 20. You're having 20 orgasms tonight." And she's like, "Please, no." Why is he arbitrarily doing this? It's because he cares about you and he, he imagines his. He's like, "Man, if I could have 20 of them, that'd be great. We're going to get you there." But if you allow him to lean into the experience and open your body to him in that way, vulnerably, and share with him, and don't fake it, just tell him where you're at. Now, what's amazing at this point is he wants to start making eye contact, checking in with you, connecting to you, bonding with you. It's an immersive experience for him, which leads into number two.

All right, so let's go to number two. Number two is the drunk octopus technique. >> Yes, you like that name, huh? That works. Most, again, most women are stationary, not moving, because they say, "Well, he'll tell me where to move to make him happy." He'll move my arms, he'll move my legs, just pose me. If you are immersive and connecting, if you're vasopressin-bonding with him by letting him help you through your orgasms, touching, caressing, touch his face, scratch his back, right? Use your legs, use your calves, touch his body, stimulate all the non-sexual areas of his body. It releases oxytocin in him. Now, now you're not a hamburger with oxy with dopamine. You're a loving partner who's stimulating that. And it's amazing is the man's face uh is actually a heavy place to release oxytocin as well. As primates, our faces, we stimulate a lot of oxytocin, but his back as well, right? You have four limbs. Use all four of them. You'll enjoy it. You'll release oxytocin, but so will he. >> Oh my god. Yeah. I got a quote of yours. "Crack him like a walnut with your thighs." >> That's it. Like, like it is like play, have fun, play, be playful, do what you enjoy. Don't just wait for him to pose you.

Well, speaking of, you mentioned it earlier about uh faking it. I got a stat here. Psychology Today reports that roughly 59% of women have reported faking an orgasm at least once. 59%. I think that's absolute BS. Guaranteed. It's like 100% of women and only 59% of women want to admit it. But is that why we fake it? Because we think that's what the guy wants? And if we can't climax, then we worry that he's going to be concerned and worried. So, we're like, "Ah, screw it. Let's just fake it." If she's not connected to him so badly that she has to fake it so he has a good experience, that's a that's such a missed opportunity for vasopressin and oxytocin. Connect with him. Talk about it. Build it. If you don't have it, that's fine. Try it again next time. This should be a mutual. It's a teamwork exercise. Right afterward, you should be able to high-five and say, "We did it." If he loves you, that's what he's looking for. And if you're not doing that accidentally, the message that's sent is that you don't enjoy sex. You're just there. It becomes a a cold experience for him. He'll stop wanting to do it with you, too. A lot of men stop wanting to have sex with their wife because she doesn't seem to even enjoy it. >> And if she can just lean into it and share it as an experience, they can both enjoy it more.

Okay. Now, I want to move on to the next one, which is pull him onto your chest and hold him there. >> That's it. We are primates and we are lactating primates. And that means that a woman's chest, actually, someone laying their head on her chest, the reason we have oxytocin is to stimulate the release of milk. So, someone laying their head on your chest will stimulate such an explosion of oxytocin for a woman more than you laying on his chest, him laying on yours. And men, our faces touching that area, it remembers in his brain primally. He remembers the first oxytocin releases from breastfeeding. Weirdly enough, that it stimulates oxytocin production for him in a way that nothing else will. So, when I have my coaching clients come in, once one thing we build up to is having the woman lie down, even not during sex, lie down, have the husband lay his head on her, and they watch a movie. >> 20 minutes, overwhelming amounts of oxytocin for men who've never felt it before in their life. And the woman benefits even more than that. Grows the intimacy just through lying together like that. So, don't lay on him, have him lay on you. I, I geek out over this stuff. Like understanding the why as well makes complete sense and it helps me remember as well. So, because I always lie on my husband's chest >> after sex. >> Most women do. >> Oh, what about he puts his head in my lap a lot. >> Big. >> Yeah. >> Big oxytocin. Really big oxytocin. His head on your lap, his head on your chest. Really massive explosions of oxytocin. Um, more than that though, if he is at rest, letting him rest his head right up here on your neck, right? Scratching your fingers through his scalp gently. Like, all of these are little things most women don't think to do, but most men are so starved for it that they have no touch whatsoever outside of their wife, if if even that. So, the more you can give him, the better.

And then when I think about couples that have been together for a long time, they touch each other less. >> It's sad. Yes. Because what's happening is the vasopressin has diminished because they're each going in different directions. So, they're each solving their own problems, but they probably are solving problems away from each other because they don't trust each other. So, then they're stacking cortisol instead, and then they grow apart, and then the oxytocin receptors shut down and say, "You're not safe to bond with." So, they stop. Then the touching stops, and then everything stops, and then divorce takes place.

Well, is there any way to test whether a man is high in vasopressin or low in >> See, this is women throughout all of human history, women have wanted a traveling laboratory to saliva swab men. >> But they should be one of your products. >> Right? Right. Like, swab him at any moment. But what, what women have done instead is they look at the markers for behavior. You know, people say a lot of things. >> You look for the four levels of safety that he must be providing. >> And if he's not, you don't move an inch. You stay away. Most men will provide the first two levels of safety. And women settle for that. All four are mandatory if you're going to sleep with somebody.

Take us through the four. >> All right, guys, we'll be right back with Adam. But real quick, if you're done playing small, if you're done being pushed around, and you're ready to build unshakable confidence in every single area of your life, then smash that subscribe button right now because every episode of Women of Impact is here to help you build your confidence, own your worth, set strong boundaries, and make sure you never lose your voice or power again. So, go ahead, smash that subscribe button. Now, back to the episode.

Four levels. Now, this is mandatory. Ladies out there, do not bond with a man until he gives you all four of these and a committed relationship. Okay? This is what we call secure, healthy, mature masculinity. Level one, physical safety. You're married. Does your husband make you feel physically safe? >> Thousand percent. >> You go out in public. What does he do? You're walking on the side of the street. He's walking there on the side protecting you. Something happens. He kind of steps in front of you. Just subtle little clues that you're safe, right? Mandatory. >> Mandatory. Actually, that was one of the things when I first met my husband, like on like the second date or something. I said there were two things that are non-negotiable for me. My partner can never cheat on me, and my partner can never hit me. And the reason with the here isn't because I can't come back from it. It's because I need to be able to feel safe. Otherwise, I, I can't trust that person. >> It is a man's job to make you feel safe. It's not even that you're bargaining for it. That's that's the floor. >> That is the entry point. Okay? So, physical safety.

Level two is resource safety. Now, a lot of the women who coach with me, they're executives. They run businesses. They have more money than the men do. That's not the point. It's not that he pays your bills. It's if something bad happened, who's going to get up and fix it? Who's going to go work on it, right? Build a perimeter around her, go out of the perimeter, gather the resources, bring it back to her. The woman should not have to leave the safety perimeter. The man, that's the man's job. >> So, give me an example of a resource safety. >> Let's say something catastrophic happens and you need a special doctor. Your husband goes and finds it. You need a special lawyer. Your husband finds him, right? The banks collapse, right? Your husband goes out and gets food, right? He takes care of you. Something bad happens. He gets up and does it, >> right? >> Okay. >> Those two levels. >> Yeah. >> Most women stop there and say, "That's more than I ever had growing up. That's a dream come true. That's enough. That's all I could ask for." And most men say, "This is more than I had. So, this is all there is." >> Most people stop here. And that's why people get married there and then divorce catastrophically later. >> Avoidant men will give you that. They'll promise up to that and no more. >> Oh, so that's why if you get those two, you feel like it's great, but you actually can be with an avoidant man and not realize it >> by accident. We call this juvenile masculinity. I'm physically protective and resource protective, and that's where it stops. That's my whole job. Then I'm going to drink beer and ignore you for the rest of the weekend. >> Make sense? >> Your husband doesn't stop there, though, right? No. What else does he do? >> Um, >> probably a number of good things. >> Yeah. I was like, well, I don't know where to start. He >> emotional connections. Literally, he nurtures my feelings, >> right? >> You feel safe in his presence, not just physically, but emotionally. >> A thousand percent. I trust him with my vulnerability to never use it against me. >> Right. Level three, emotional safety. She can bring concerns to him, and the concerns will be handled delicately, respectfully, and calmly. And she's safe from his emotions as well. He has them, but he disciplines them. He's calm, and he is steady. He's predictable. So, level three, emotional safety. Level four is bonding safety. Right? We want to swab him. Is he connected emotionally through oxytocin and through vasopressin? Am I trusted and am I really in his life or am I replaceable? Is he sharing with you about his challenges? Not whining and complaining at the end of the day, but sharing the concerns that he has, talking you through his plans. Is he bouncing ideas off of you? Is he coming toward you to spend time with you, not just for sex, but for real connection? Does he want to look in your eyes during sex? Does he talk to you? Does he ask you questions about your day? Does he talk about you as if you are his trusted ally and executive partner in his life, or does he just talk about you like you're the girl who fetches his coffee? >> Didn't expect you to say that. Um, okay. So, if you have the first two, which most car marriages have, that will usually end in disaster. Yeah. But if you have all four, the likelihood is that you can weather the storm. >> It drops to almost 0% risk >> of separation and divorce. >> Of separation to divorce. >> Wow. Yeah, it is the defining feature. Now, on the on the other side, women then must, because that allows a woman to shift into a feminine state. She does owe the man four levels of peace in return, but most women never get there because they're never allowed to feel safe. So, there's nothing they can really give. >> I guess what's the other four then? >> The other four, level one is calm. She has a calm, regulated nervous system, but it's like when I walked in to your studio, right? You're just like, you have this aura of calm that when people come near you, you're safe. It's it's calming, calming, regulated nervous system. So everybody's energy comes down and they're peaceful. >> It's a calming, regulated space. So he builds the perimeter, but you fill it with calming aura, calming energy. And there's times for co-regulation, but if it's 24/7, >> yeah, you're not returning any peace to him. Then you're a problem for his brain to solve. His brain puts you in the problem-solving category instead of the partner category. And then you're just a person who he has to work on. So he works at home, then he comes home and works on you. That's why a lot of men start dissolving that relationship. So, calm. Level one is calm. Level two, gentleness. Gentleness. Not silence. Never silence. She has to speak up, but a gentleness in her speech. Right. You have to talk to your husband. What do you do? You ask him questions, right? What kind of questions do you ask him? >> Oh, well, the other day I I asked him if he wanted to talk about his feelings. >> Okay. >> And he said, "No, I'm thinking of myself." >> Okay. Did you push? Did you get mean? Did you bite? >> No. I said, "All right, babe. If you need to talk, come here." >> That's it. Gentleness. Just like that. You ask questions. You're curious. You invite. Most women don't know how to invite. They chase. They don't invite. They chase because they're nervous. And then they never, they fail to invite. They fail to ask. They're afraid questions will be punished or or turned off, right? Gentleness is asking questions from a loving perspective instead of attacking or litigating. Okay. Level two. Level three is loyalty. And yes, sexual loyalty. We'll put that aside. Most women are very sexually faithful. Actually, the research shows, right? But >> task-based loyalty, challenge loyalty. Loyalty is the woman going to the man and saying, "Hey, look, there's a problem. What are we going to do about it?" >> Us, how are we going to work on this? What's our plan? Just tell me and we're going to work on it. Right? Loyalty. And that triggers his brain that vasopressin, and we've solved problems together. It can be as little as putting a jigsaw puzzle together, learning a skill, redoing your couch, paying your bills, paying off your debts, building a future vision. It has to be done. It's mandatory. And that creates level four peace, which a lot of women stop short on because they're afraid it won't be welcomed. Level four peace is executive partnership. She is his executive partner. >> What I teach is a model of marriage that's very much the man is the CEO and the woman is the COO, chief operations officer. They're both co-founders equally, but they're also set there in those roles so they can build a life together. Your marriage is a business that you're building as a team, and every other business springs from it. So, she is a co-executive. That means you don't run and fetch his coffee. You can care for him, >> but you can also gently challenge him on concerns. You can ask him what he's going to be doing about this. You can make sure that expectations are met. You're clear about it. Executive partnership is something most women are afraid won't be welcomed. >> So, when we talk about the CEO and we talk about the COO in a beautiful dynamic that can work amazingly well. You can build amazing companies, you can build amazing relationships, like it's amazing. But that control piece, there is really a fine line between someone that's taking the reigns because they are healthy and they want to lead the relationship versus someone that actually wants to take the reigns because they know it's going to be a mechanism for them to be able to control you down the road. >> Yes. I always, always, always look for contempt first, not just toward you, but toward other people. And contempt meaning they look down on others, they mock others, they belittle them, they insult you, they dismiss you, they tune you out. This is why when I was updating the field of attachment theory, I had to split avoidant into two separate parts. Dismissive avoidant had to split. Ethical avoidant where they don't ever want to hurt anyone. They're just biochemically starved and and closed off versus the manipulators. And the one key factor on that spectrum is their contempt and treatment toward other people. Ethical avoidant people say other people are not to be trusted, but it's because they're stressed out. They're confused. They're afraid. I understand. I don't hate other people. I don't want to hurt anybody. I just don't want to get hurt myself. So they stay over here down the spectrum as they get more and more wounded in childhood. It creates more and more of an anger against other people of other people are bad. They're out to hurt me. They'll do whatever they can. I have no trust for other people. And what they'll tell their wife is, "I don't trust anybody. I just distrust you the least." >> Oh. >> So down that spectrum, how does he listen? How does he treat you? During the dating game, he'll say a lot of things. Beautiful. What does he back it up with? Where does the emotional safety come in? Women need to flag for emotional safety and for bonding safety, but they also need to flag, is he giving other human beings emotional safety and bonding to them appropriately? What's his relationship like with his mother, with his friends, with his family? How does he talk about them behind their back? >> Right? What are his values? Is he pursuing a long-term goal, or is his goal to survive and get all the money that he can? Start flagging for what this man is doing in his life and how he treats human beings. Those are the biggest pieces down that spectrum toward manipulative avoidant. That's a dangerous game because off the end of that spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, right? All of those things off the end of the spectrum where he doesn't treat you like a human. His brain turns off empathy and views you as an object to be moved. So, he won't ever turn around and view you as a partner. You're not even a person. M >> Where's that line between this is actually a very manipulative person and they are going to be they are going to use every tactic they can to trap you and then you have the other side where it's like they're just bad at relationships and they've had such terrible experiences as a child that they actually don't know how to show up as a great partner and knowing those two differences I think is very important. >> Coming up, a gigantic, massive number of affairs happen within the first six months of the birth of the first child. Yes.

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So, I'd love to go through the seven signs you're dating a manipulative narcissist. So, number one, you've put love bombing. So, how do you know the difference between someone being truly romantic and just using those tactics as a way to manipulate you? >> A lot of women are listening right now asking the same question. How do I know? You need to cooperate with other human beings. >> You're not going to know in yourself alone for at least a year. >> His novelty dopamine will fall off a cliff at about seven months, but he's going to continue to play nice till 12 months. >> You won't know. And if you sleep with him, you're going to get drunk on oxytocin and connections. You'll know nothing. You will know by asking him very clear, direct questions continuously. And you'll know by running him through your family and friend network constantly. Other people are the answer here. Him and your network both. Most women are operating in such total isolation that they don't know that they can go to anybody else for help for anything. Most of them are playing guessing games with the man who's supposed to be the their husband, and they're not allowed to ask him even one question. That's never going to work. The mark of a good, healthy man is that you can ask him continuous ongoing questions, and he is patient. He is diligent. He answers completely each time, and then he follows through on the answers because they're true. You have to be asking him, "Hey, babe, it's great that you're texting me all the time. What's making you do this? When does it fall off a cliff? What does that look like? What do we need to do to make sure we keep doing this? Because I'm enjoying this. I don't want it to stop. What do we have to do to keep this going? Is this sustainable for you?" Ask him these questions. Most women right now, their gut is like, "Adam, I could never ask him that question." But that's why I get a lot of women that text me or or email us and email our team and say, "Adam, you know, I've been dating him for eight months, eight years now, right? Do you think he's, do you think now is a good time to bring up marriage at eight years?" I'm like, "How old are you?" And they're like, "I'm 35. I'm really like pressing. I want kids soon." You should have talked to him about marriage eight years ago. What are you doing now at eight years hoping that you can bring it up? Well, I've been afraid to bother him. That's most women are. They're being too agreeable >> and pricing themselves out after eight years of just serving somebody mindlessly without actually asking one question. Asking those direct questions will chase away and intimidate the men who don't want that level of relationship. And you want that. You ask him questions. The good men love them. "I love that you're thinking this. I love that you're thinking ahead. What do I need? Let me think about that. Well, this is mostly who I am, but I'm also excited. You know, for me to continue this, I'd probably need this and this. Is that something you could provide to me?" "Absolutely. All right. Handshake agreement. We will take care of each other this way for the next 50 years." >> That's so good. All right. So, we got number two, a lack of genuine empathy. How do you test to see if they have a lack of genuine empathy? >> Number one, look at the relationships that are in their life. Right? I tell men all the time, a lot of guys with no relationships come to me and say, "Adam, how do I get a girlfriend?" And I say, "Well, what are your other relationships like?" "Well, I don't really have any." That's the problem. She thinks you're a serial killer, >> right? >> Yes. >> But that's true. Like, the strength of the man's relationships he's in right now tells you what you need to know about that man. >> Don't marry a man or or date a man for potential. So many women are dating for potential. Someday he's going to become. No. Who is he becoming now? Look at his relationships and how he treats them and then how he talks about them behind their back. There's his sources of empathy. But even when you come to him with emotional challenges and you come in, let's say two months in, you come to him and say, "You know, I'm really thinking lately. Um, I'm looking for more safety. And safety to me is clarity. So, I'd like to talk about what your outline for the next year of us being together would even look like. What are you thinking about labels? What are you thinking about commitment? What does that mean to you?" And you come to him like that, does he freak out, jump out the window, hotwire a car, and drive to Mexico just to escape? Right? Does he try to shut you down? Does he get all tense and nervous, or is he calm? Is he able to lean in and have a talk? Right? Manipulators hate questions. That is the number one smartest thing a woman can ask is ask questions. Ask questions about the answers. Ask questions about the follow-up. Ask questions the next day. Never, ever, ever stop asking questions. It will drive narcissists and manipulators and controllers away. They hate it. And good men love it. So, it's the distinguishing factor. Women should ask 500 more questions than they do. >> Wow, that's so cool. I love that. All right, questions. More questions. Let's ask. >> There we go. See. >> Um, so you say one of the signs is manipulative withdrawals, as in stonewalling. >> Ethically avoidant men withdraw because their nervous system sparks and their amygdala, the fear center part of their brain, says, "Closeness is dangerous to me." So, he gets overloaded. When you get too close to him, he, he pulls back. If you have heavy emotions, his mirroring neurons in his brain say that it makes him feel your feelings, but he's not used to his feelings because his brain overdevelops to squash his own emotions. So, he feels your feelings and backs off, and it causes stress, and he doesn't know what to do. >> So, he'll withdraw to calm his nervous system, not to punish you, and then he'll come back in almost pretending nothing has happened, but try to be kind and gentle. >> Manipulators punish you with distance. They get cold and distant and aloof, and then they pull away. They refuse to acknowledge you, and they might send angry, bitter, little passive-aggressive texts here or there to let you know that it's on purpose. And then when they come back, they'll be angry and aloof and make you earn their attention back. And that's the big differentiator you want to look for. >> But what's fascinating when his nervous system is activated, ethically avoidant men turn to the side so that you can't hurt them. And they go like this, and they look peripherally at you, and their nostrils flare. Now, what's funny is if you look through your peripherals, your, it stimulates your vagus nerve, which says, "I'm safe enough. I can calm down." So, he's actually regulating through his nervous system by looking at you like this. So, he'll have this conversation. See, you're doing it now, too. >> Am I saying if I feel any different? >> Right. It calms your nervous system over time. So, that's why they do that. But he'll listen, and he will talk. He'll hesitate, but he'll talk and he'll share. And he's doing it with empathy, with respect. He's deliberate. He's careful with his words, but he is speaking. That's what you're looking for. If he's contemptuous, angry, vindictive, passive aggressive, sarcastic, snarling at you, dismissing you, bad sign. Very bad sign. >> Cuz he's only going to. Men don't get better over the course of relationships like that. They get worse. >> Oh. And you just start to see the mask basically slip and slip and slip. >> He has less and less incentive to treat you with kindness >> in a bad relationship. >> Heavy stuff. >> All right. Yeah. Number four, we've got excessive need of control. So, how, what's the difference between someone who gets anxious and so they control things to lower their anxiety? >> Oh, yeah. >> Versus someone who is manipulative and they're using that control element as a way to make sure that they trap you? >> You know, this one's funny. I, I work so in my company, I work with a lot of avoidant men who, who run, help me run everything on the back end. Avoidant men make excellent, excellent workers. They work harder than anyone else. But what's funny is when you cross into their domain, especially on days where they're already tense, they had a fight with a girlfriend, they're tired, they didn't sleep well, they're hungry, you cross into their domain and they immediately get prickly. Because their brain says, "Someone's coming to take from me." And then they say, "I'm not going to let that happen." So, they, they puff up kind of like a rooster, and they, they, they make a loud noise and tell you like, "Hey, I don't like what's happening here." With an ethical avoidant man, all you have to do is come in calm and say, "Hey, I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. This is not an intrusion. I don't intend it that way at all. If it's taken that way, I apologize. Tell me what's going on so that we can solve this together because I want to make sure you're covered, but I also have this concern over here." So, what you're doing is taking a conflict, you're laying your goal right on the table and asking them to lay their goal on the table, and then you put it together and you do what we call level four communication. You are going to negotiate openly, transparently, gently, and calmly. We're going to negotiate. It's just a good faith negotiation about our goals. And as you listen to them and talk with them, they immediately soften. And what's incredible is they immediately flip into problem-solving mode. And this builds such overwhelming vasopressin in their system that they suddenly, after that, trust you like they've never trusted anyone on the planet. They go to bat for you. They are thousand percent loyal. It is incredible. You will never find a companion better at that point because then their hyper-paranoia about risks comes to protect you, and they are immensely protective over you. Vasopressin makes you very protective that way. So, all the avoidant men that work with me are these incredible, protective, ethical, wonderful men because we've done that process. Now, it's uncomfortable when they're coming at you puffed up and angry. A lot of women just back off and just stop, and then he assumes, "Oh, you were trying to take me on. >> You were challenging." Exactly. So, he assumes that you intended it and that you backed off. He doesn't know that you were trying to work with him. His worst fears are confirmed. >> You have to ask questions, or you will destroy a relationship even with a good man. M. Okay. So, what about the manipulative guy though? Because often sometimes in the controlling elements, if you're coming to them with conflict or in that situation, even if you come to them soft, they're definitely going to stonewall you, put you down. >> Correct. You need to find this out before you sleep with them. >> Well, so what about the puffing though? Because they also puff their chest. >> Oh, they're always puffed because they always are waiting for someone to attack them. They never let that down. They are always puffed up. Always. I see. >> They can never let you in. So the difference will be both of them puff, but one of them then depuffs and actually then works better with you and more collaborative versus the other one that just stays puffed. >> Stays puffed, attacks you, and then when you soften and try to work and negotiate, attacks you worse. >> Got it. Okay. So the next one we have is surface-level charm. You call it the Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. >> Yeah. So, you've met men like this before, I'm sure, right? They come on really strong. They're kind. They're fun. They're charming. Everyone loves them, but there's no substance to it, right? >> They promise everything, right? Do they ever follow through? >> No. But I used to be naive, so when they wouldn't follow through, I made every excuse for it. "Well, of course, they were busy." >> Yeah. >> "Well, of course, you know, like, fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank." >> A man's word must be everything. That is safety. That is safety. If he breaks his word, he's breaking safety. Don't ever make an excuse for a man who's breaking his word. He should come to you and explain what the factor was with a plan to fix it so it never happens again. Period. >> So like, can you give me an example? >> Absolutely. He says he's going to call you on Thursday night after the date. He doesn't call you, right? That's on him. Don't make an excuse for him. Oh, he's too busy. Right? He says he's going to take care of something big that you're nervous about, and he just ignores it for a week. Call him on that gently, but call him on it. Say, "This is hurting me." This is hurting me is one of the best phrases a woman can learn because it's a call to action immediately. If he has any empathy at all, that should activate it immediately. >> That's what I was going to say, cuz someone who doesn't care, they won't respond. >> So what? It's hurting you. Who cares? It hurts me too, right? >> It's so funny. Actually made me realize one thing. So my husband, it actually makes so much sense. Oh my god, things are clicking together. My husband actually sometimes gets offended when I say to him, "Babe, did you do that thing?" And he goes, "Did I say I was going to do it?" >> Yes. And I'm like, "Yes." And he's like, "Well, then why are you asking me?" >> That's correct. >> It's questioning his honor. >> Right. Honor is what the word, what that term is. Honor is I said I'm going to do it, and I will do it, and I abide by my code of ethics. That is my honor. So, if you question it >> as a woman, you're just checking in. And that's fine. Hey, babe, I know I, I know you said you're going to do that. Do you have an estimated time you're going to do it? That's a better way to check in. Do you have an estimated time you're going to get that done? Rather than, "Hey, you said you're going to do it. Are you still going to?" Ooh. >> Good men, that's nails on a chalkboard. >> That makes so much sense. But being the COO, that's what you need to do. You have to make sure that the ship is running well. If they don't do it, your ship isn't running well. >> Right. When do you estimate you'll have it done? Is the job of a COO. >> That's so good. Oh my god. Everything just clicked into place with me. I was like, why does he get so offended? I was just checking in. Um, okay. So, we'll go to the next one, which is obsession with shifting blame. So, what's the difference between someone that's doing it deliberately or someone that's doing it out of utter insecurity? >> It doesn't really matter. >> Really? You don't think so? Like, if someone, if I went to somebody, let's say him a partner, >> and he didn't take responsibility, I, I don't think that's healthy. >> But if it came from a real bad childhood wound >> where he's doing it because before when he was a kid, he would get punished by his parents. >> Sure. Let's zoom out for a moment. So, a woman has a relationship with a man. Perfect. In that moment, she can cater to him. She can make excuses for him. He didn't get the love he needs. That's why he's shifting blame. Now, let's zoom out though at the rest of your life that that marriage impacts your kids that you have, or the people that you're helping, your business that you're growing, and all the ripple effect of him not taking the blame appropriately that spreads everywhere else and causes chaos. It's a lot less adorable when that man is wrecking your life, right? Women should never make excuses for men and mother. That's mothering. That's mothering. >> Unfortunately, at some point, he has to say, "I fell short." >> I think that's really beautiful. I thousand percent agree. I couldn't be with somebody if they were always shifting blame. I couldn't. But when it came to intention, someone deliberately trying to make other people feel bad >> by shifting the blame versus I'm so insecure. I don't want to look stupid because this triggers my childhood thing. Like the intent. Oh, please push back. I love it when people push back. >> No. Yeah. I at

At the end of the day, I understand what you're saying. Women are women are trying to work with the man in their life. If he is making it your fault constantly, that's more of contempt. That's his brain bypassing empathy, going to the tool use area, and using you like an object to put you back in your place. So certainly if he's panicking and worrying in that moment, step away and then have a second conversation with him where you say, "Babe, I want to trust you completely and follow you all of my life and work with you and serve you. I want that as your co-executive, but I cannot do that if you don't take ownership." And this actually makes me question your ability to lead. And it makes it hard for my nervous system to trust you. So I need you to step up here. I don't need you to gravel. I need you to take ownership and then fix it. Women really care about outcomes more than anything else. So, they need to actually build toward the outcomes. Ask him for outcomes and then see what he's made of.

"Oh, that's so good. That's really hard to say, but that's really good."

It is. There's I I tell women this, the if you look at all the sagas and all the stories throughout all of history, the role of the masculine, kill dragons.

"The role of the feminine, ask him to kill the dragons."

That's so true. But if you're just sitting there like on the side fighting the dragon by yourself while he's over there drinking a beer like this is inverting the roles.

"Yeah."

Call him to kill the dragons. That's your job.

All right. So let's go to the next one. Is disregarding your boundaries. So, what's the difference between someone that's manipulative, that is deliberately disregarding them so they can slowly chip away you versus someone that's just terrible at boundaries, never learned boundaries, and so is walking all over your boundaries but not realizing it.

"Yeah. So, boundaries are drawn from two places. One is your code of ethics, your sense of right and wrong, and the other is your core goals that you're trying to achieve in your life. So, when someone overruns your boundaries, they're violating your ethics or they're violating your goals. Those are the two core things that they're violating. So someone who just doesn't know, you have a conversation with them. I think most of the answers here is going to be pointing women back to having a conversation where you say, "Hey, look, this is a problem for me. If you keep doing this, I won't be able to provide this to you, and I want to.

"I need you to stay here so I can give you the fullness of what I want to give you. If you come here, that's going to hurt us. Please don't do this anymore."

Capacity, right? In return, that person will stop. If they don't, you have a problem. You may have to push them back. But if they especially just disregard you and mock you, you immediately need to push back and probably end the relationship because that's someone who is saying your goals and ethics are stupid and my convenience is all that matters here.

"They're not going to get better."

All right. And then the last one we've got is manages you like an object. Most women don't realize that they are an object in the eyes of their partner in that way when his brain switches especially into that manipulative mode of you are just something for me to get my needs met.

He should be working with you human to human to discuss capacity, desire, needs, balance, right? He should be talking with you about that and sharing and you should be sharing with him. If he is trying to maximize his gain from you and minimize anything he has to give you and then punishes you for anything that he has to give you, then he's treating you like an object. That's all. You're an object. You're you're a pillow. You're a coffee mug to be moved around on a table for where you're most convenient.

"You're not a person to him. And that's an eth that's a non-ethical manipulator."

How does that end up happening? So when you go to you meet someone, you really like them, they're charming, you fall for them.

It starts there. They're the part of their brain that's responsible for empathy and human connection is not connected properly and they may form a bit of a dopamine connection with you like we talked about where you're you're a good sugary drink, you're a tasty hamburger. This is where women sleep with them really quick and then his brain just says, "Cool, you're an interesting object. I'll come back when I want you." But he provokes oxytocin in you as he's getting almost nothing. that's setting up so that later he can push that button and get what he wants from you based on, hey, you know, if you really cared about me, you would do this. That's that's why he's charming. He has to be. Most women say he changed. No, he set up and now he's cashing in. It's one process.

Ah, so what's happening then when a guy can say he loves you, wants to commit to you, like genuinely wants to commit,

"they want a family and then goes and cheats on you, like breaks your trust."

It warps my mind in how I think about someone genuinely saying, "I love you. I dedicate my life to you." And then doing something that, you know, is going to break their soul forever. It's just so hard for me to get my head. So there's the piece right there is they don't know it's going to break someone's soul forever.

"Are they tricking themselves? Like how"

There's a couple things and again I'm going to be careful here because I don't want to ever excuse affairs ever because it's it's a choice at the end of the day that someone made that is completely inappropriate and violates everything that you promised.

"Oh yeah."

So there's that.

"At the same time an avoidant man who grows up, let's say he's ethically avoidant. He grows up. His brain from 0 to three says it is not safe to trust other human beings. I cannot ever be open to anyone. his oxytocin receptors for bonding and safety close and they're shut and they stay shut his entire life. So, they go into a relationship. He's never experienced that and he still doesn't. He dopamine bonds with her a bit and he he cares about her. He intellectually cares about her, but the receptors are closed so he can't bond with intimacy. So, he understands the language of dopamine, feel good,

"and the release of cortisol. Oh, that sucks. I'm stressed. So when he imagines cheating, he imagines she will be stressed and angry. There's no mechanism for her him to understand the ripping feeling, the tearing feeling, the utter betrayal feeling. He doesn't have a metric to understand why she's upset or how upset she'll be or how it feels like she's being abandoned and betrayed. He doesn't know that. So his brain at a certain point 101 15 years in says, "I am stressed out. I can't get dopamine with her. I can't solve problems with her. I'm going to crash. I don't want to do cocaine to get through my days. I'm trying not to become a drunk or an alcoholic. That's all I use to calm down at night. But there is nothing good for me. And eventually someone offers him something. And in that moment of foolishness, he says, "Okay." And he comes through and he has a dopamine experience, the hamburger effect. It to him, he he'll say, "They literally meant nothing to me."

That's something that is so hard for me to wrap my head around because if someone means nothing to you, but you risk your whole relationship, right?

"So, you're just saying they don't think about, it's a risk in their relationship. They're just like, I'm hungry. Let me eat."

To them, it's I'm starving and my family is starving. I'm going to steal bread so they can eat it. That's what they do to excuse it. And they say, "I can only perform my duties as a husband and father if I'm getting this small amount of dopamine. I don't like it, but it's what I need to do." So they do it a couple times, they get through it. Sometimes they do it a m multiple times, but when it's exposed, what they think their wife is experiencing is, "I'm very angry. That bothers me. This stresses me out." And his brain goes, "Matt, I'm going to have to manage this for the next couple weeks while she's angry." And he feels shame. If he's ethically avoiding, he feels shame that he's breached his ethics. He's ashamed of himself. He's angry. He's genuinely angry at himself, but he's also just kind of writing out her anger for the next week or two because he biochemically doesn't understand that it's ripped it apart. He doesn't say, "Well, she's afraid I'm going to abandon her." He says, "Oh, she's mad because I broke a promise, but that's okay. Like, we we'll get through it."

He doesn't understand the perimeter that he's built around her bonding safety. Poof. The the violation that that woman feels every time she was ever open to him was under false pretenses. Now, he's violated her, her heart, her mind in so many ways and made her believe that he was really an ethical person going toward the goals that he claimed he wanted. Now, the problem is he actually does have ethics and he does value those goals and the things he did were bad breaches, but also in his eyes he thinks it was moving him toward his goals. Helping him understand what he took away from her and then helping him open his oxytocin receptors, build secure attachment with family and friends externally from her. He has to have a lifestyle change, a complete life overhaul with everyone around him. New friends, new connection, full community. Everything has to happen. That's the only way she can ever trust him again.

"So, you don't think once a cheater always a cheater?"

No, I don't. Some people if they cheated and wanted to get away with it and excuse it, yes, they will do it again. But the people who make a complete lifestyle change because they cheated because they they didn't understand,

"I know they can change."

Okay.

"I've helped them. A manipulator will get angry when you try to introduce these concepts. They treat love like a threat. They treat kindness like a threat. They treat it like pity and they hate it and they get mad at you. If they try to if they almost have an experience, they back off and get aggressive and force you away. It's not just ignorance. It's a refusal to allow you to educate them or show them

"and they'll hurt you for it. That's the difference."

Are they ignorant or are they angry and aggressive? Look for those pieces.

"That's so clear."

Make sense?

"Yeah."

There we go.

All right. So, thinking about toxicity, sometimes we can interpret something as being toxic, but actually it's not.

"For sure."

Other times we can want one thing, but actually we want the other. So, I want you to help us think through these scenarios if you don't mind.

"Toxic or not? Here we go."

Exactly. What? Well, I've got the name. What's more toxic? So, we've got a man who cheats but says he loves you or one who never cheats but makes you feel invisible.

That's a really good question. The man who actually legitimately loves you can come back from cheating, but he has to prove he loves you by transforming his life. The man who is just endlessly dismissive of you is probably going to stay that way until he hits a rock bottom moment in his life. But actually the cheating is the rock bottom moment to for most.

"So both of them are toxic but but even the cheater can turn around faster than the dismisser."

That's so good. All right. A man who needs to control everything or a man who doesn't take control of anything.

The man who controls everything can learn to trust you. The man who doesn't want to take control of anything will spend decades trying to grow into being a man. He wants you to be his mom and he wants you to protect him. Basically, he wants to be the girl.

All right. Um, a man who lies to protect your feelings or one who tells you the truth just to hurt you.

The man who has empathy for you and wants to protect you can be retrained. The man who has no empathy and just contempt and enjoys hurting you, get away from as fast as you can.

"Hell yeah."

Especially if you want kids. Don't raise him with that guy.

"Oh god. Yeah. No kidding. Um, all right. A man who apologizes just to keep the peace or one who never apologizes."

That one's tough. I will say if he can be trained to apologize, that's better. The man who just knuckles under and just says whatever is manipulating you.

The other man isn't manipulating you. He's at least standing up and being honest with you. But what does he do when it is proven that he needs to take ownership?

"That's going to be the distinguishing factor. manipulation is never comfortable for me. So,"

"yeah, that's exactly how I feel. And being my husband at least, we communicated and we said, "Please never apologize if you don't mean it, but apologies are important." Yes. And so, we've even been in a dynamic where we're arguing.

"And I remember him telling it like broke the ice actually, but he was like,"

"Babe, I know if I just apologize right now, you would feel so much better." I was like, "Yes, I would." And he's like, "But I can't apologize." So, it was one of those like it was sweet to see

"Yeah."

"him wanting to make it better but not going against our commitment because to me trust is everything."

That's it. Yeah. A a proper apology doesn't even have to have the words, I'm sorry.

"Yes. Right."

Right. It bothers me that you are hurt. I'd like to make a plan so you never get hurt like this again. Here's what I'd like us to do. And in the meantime, here's how I'd like to make it up to you. That's a proper apology with followthrough. But there's an old saying that I'm sorry with no action is just manipulation.

"So it doesn't have to be an I'm sorry."

Yeah. That's so good. Okay. And we have a man who calls you obsessively or one who never calls you at all.

Well, it depends why he's not calling you. If he's working diligently building a company, that's good. That's information, right? You can work with that. You can talk to him about the importance of a relationship. Um, a man who doesn't bother calling you because he's got fi 15 other women on rotation, that's an issue. So, what's he doing with his time? But the man who calls you obsessively, it's going to be hard for you to respect that man long term because again, you're going to be the man in that relationship. You're going to be constantly soothing him, which is not attractive. So, as we talk about whether like these signs, the toxic behavior, let's say you're with a good guy and you've decided you've been dating them, all the healthy green flags have been there, and now you're looking to commit.

"Mhm."

I've got a stat that says 25% of men don't want committed relationships. That's like a quarter of the male population.

"Mhm."

What most men today imagine when they think of marriage is we've already had our fun. Now you want me to sign a contract where I give you everything I own and you get to boss me around and I will have less fun or joy or pleasure than ever. It will be a depreciating relationship where it just gets worse for the next 50 years and at any time you can pull the trigger and take everything I have and ruin me. Why would I do that? That sounds very negative though in the way that they paint the picture of commitment.

Most men have never seen a functioning marriage.

Most men have no idea what marriage is for. They have no idea what a wife is supposed to give them. Most men don't even know what they're supposed to give to a wife. The four levels of trust and safety, the four levels of peace. Most men have never heard that. They grew up watching their parents hate each other and be miserable. They grew up watching their parents maybe go through multiple marriages. So why would I do that? Most women are feeling the same. By the way, they want marriage, but you they can't really explain why, right? I want commitment. Why? Well, so we can have a family. Well, what are you going to do? What's the daily life look like? Why commitment? Why is marriage important? Most women, well, so I feel safe. So that we can't walk away from each other. That's it. What is marriage? It's the business of building legacy together. That's what marriage is. And you're supposed to operate as co-executives. And you're supposed to give each other certain things. And if you lock in and treat each other with that and verify before you get married that you're both going to give each other those things continuously and have the kind of relationship you and your husband have now men are lining up to sign up for marriage like that.

"Men can't wait."

I hate to ask this question, but I feel like I need to.

"Sounds like the best question. See, this is what women do. I'm afraid to ask a question, but it's the most important one I've ever asked in my life. This is it. Go ahead. By all means, let me I'll give you I'll give you emotional safety and I will answer it peacefully."

"Thank you. I don't know if my community will give me emotional safety if I ask the question."

"Do it."

"Oh god, it's so hard to ask. Is there any correlation between a woman having a baby and a guy cheating on her?"

Yes.

A gigantic massive number of affairs happen within the first six months of the birth of the first child.

Yes.

Say all. It exposes all of the weaknesses in the couple. He's already emotionally starved and gets no touch. She's now through pregnancy probably not touched him that much and now has a new baby that she's fully invested into. He feels tremendous pressure to perform and take care of everybody. But he feels more alone than he's ever felt. And everyone in the world yells at him if he ever says, "I feel lonely. How dare you? Shut up. Stop having feelings. Don't you know what your wife is putting up with?" Right? So, he is more starved than ever. This is one of the biggest risk zones for men to go out and say, "I need something because they're stressed out, scared, and alone."

"They make horrible, stupid decisions at that point."

That's one of the biggest zones for affairs. Absolutely. After that is the four-year mark, the seven-year mark. There's there's gaps and there's pieces, but yeah, absolutely. The birth of a child is a huge catalyst. If the couple isn't properly locked in, that a lot of them can't have conversations anyway. He's not able to come to her and say, "Babe, I'm just so lonely. Can we all sit together in the evening? When the baby goes down for a nap, can I help you get a nap? And then in return, can you invest in me a little bit? Right? He also probably doesn't have healthy, robust friendships where he can get his needs met. He doesn't have a healthy family cycle where he can bond there. Right? She is his sole source of any kind of human warmth. And now she's gone.

"That's where most couples fall into the problem. And she's so invested in the child. She's actually drunk on oxytocin because for the first time ever, she doesn't have to please someone to get oxytocin. She has a baby, right? Breastfeeding, a lot of women actually get addicted to breastfeeding for the cycle if they're anxiously attached. It's an addiction,

"which it benefits the baby, but it turns into something ugly for her and for her partner. So, being able to fix your attachment challenges first and then building a great relationship where he can come to you and you can get some adult time with your husband in the first six months. You can just rest in him. He can hold you and then turn it around and you can hold him and you guys can spend that time together. Take care of each other. It helps her too. It's not just about him.

"But you got to build a system for that. If you don't, it crashes."

I'm glad you asked that question.

"Yeah. I mean, the funny thing, I don't even know what to do with it because my heart bleeds for women. I've got three friends. There's four of us. It's me and three other girls and all three of them fell pregnant at the same time.

"All at the same time. I don't know how they even managed to do that. So, it's like when I think about and they've got great relationships, but when I think about what they're going through in carrying the baby for nine months, like hearing the details when you said your wife's expecting your sixth child, so it's like the the hormone change, the the pressure and the impact it has on your body and your hormones and your brain shrinks and the hardship that she has to go through. Now on top of it, the guy's going and sleeping around and that's the highest predictable, you know, metric. It's like again, Adam, I don't even know what to do with it. It's just heartbreaking."

I can tell you what to do with it.

"Oh, please."

If it hasn't happened yet in a relationship, talk about it. Don't say, "Look, buddy, I'm afraid you're going to cheat on me because you're a slimeball." Hey, look, the statistics show this is the worst period. So, even if that doesn't happen to us, there's going to be horrible pain. Let's make an agreement that if you get lonely and lost, you will come talk to me. Who's going to be caring for you during this time, family and friends, and how can I take care of you? Right? My wife and I at 6 months after the baby, we call it mommy brain. She's like in a zone over there. I can just see her zoned out just staring at the sky and she's got the babies on her. She's not thinking clearly. So, she's not tracking my needs. But if I'm stressed out about something, we have an agreement. I can go to her and say, "Babe, what do you need to get you to a state where you feel human? Do you need me to take the baby so you can take a nap for a couple hours? And after that, once the baby's sleeping maybe tonight, could I get an hour with you? Can I get some care? Can I get some attention? I just want to bond with you. The husband needs to go to his wife and say, "I'm not feeling connected. Here's what would help me. Can we do that? And what do you need from me to help your capacity?" Most wives are not going to go, "No, screw you. Get out of here. I don't want to love you." She's going to say, "Oh my gosh, I had no idea. I'm so tired that I can't even think about someone's feelings right now. Yeah, if you could do this for me, I would feel human again and then I can do this for you.

Build that as a couple. Solve the problem.

"That's so lovely. Um, I really hope people hear that and do that because when I think about what the woman's going through, obviously like she's given over her whole body and life to this child. Um, but look, I have tremendous empathy for a guy and I think that just because a woman's going through a lot doesn't mean the guy has to just shut up and bear it. Like that's a horrible type of dynamic. I would never

"We call that abuse, by the way. Yeah."

"Yeah. That's actually true. So, I don't have any children, but I got really sick. I've been suffering with gut issues for 10 years. 12 years, but I got really sick at one point. So much so that I could barely eat. I was like 20 pounds lighter than I am now. I couldn't stand up more than 5 minutes at the time. My gut was so inflamed. I just I was uncomfortable and literally couldn't stand up. And he was taking such good care of me, Adam. He was waking up at like 4 in the morning. He was reading health books. He actually even started his own health show on YouTube so he could have it was like a ruse so he could ask all the authors of the health books he was reading so he could bring the doctors in and ask follow-up questions.

"So when I say he did everything he possibly could to help me.

"He did everything I could. And it dawned on me one day that I haven't asked him how he's feeling. I haven't asked him what does he need. And he was he's a very sexual man.

"Mhm.

"And so I remember one day pulling him aside and saying, "Look, babe, I can't have sex,

"but how are you doing sexually? Like, do you want me to choose your porn for you?" Like I was like trying to think outside the box. And just the fact that he felt seen

"loved

"and loved and considered

"was like everything to him.

That's the majority of what most men need is just to know that you're not a workhorse who's shackled to the cart and you're going to be driven till you die. The fact that they at least care about the workhorse is a major change for most men today.

"Oh. Um, okay. We're going to talk now, Adam, about the hard truths.

"Okay.

"Hard truths about men's psychology. Number one, men need emotional intimacy for good sex. Are women not the same?

"Women need emotional intimacy for almost any sex at all. They can tune it out and just do it. But men men have very disconnected dopamine-driven sex, which they can do alone in a room with a screen or with you in the room and they can forget you're there. Or they can have a true love making experience which enriches them biochemically through oxytocin and vasopressin. And those are two very different things. And how the woman behaves and interacts as a person or as an object makes all the difference.

"And that goes back to the three things we mentioned earlier.

"Be a human in the room. Don't be an object in the room. That's my advice to every woman out there. You'll enjoy it better, number one. And the man will bond to you better, number two.

"Oh, yeah. All right. We've got number two. Most men are starved to touch. You mentioned that earlier. You said that men don't get touched much after the age of 10.

"After the age of 10, if even then, most men have no touch, no hugs, no connection, no intimacy, no nothing. Maybe when they visit their their mother occasionally, right on holidays, they might get a hug, but mostly even then not. Most men have no physical attach whatsoever outside of sex and violence. That's it.

"Oh, I didn't expect you to say violence.

"No.

"Um, wasn't that old study where they did like the monkeys and they took like the baby monkey away from the mother and they didn't give it like the touch and it slowly started to like get depressed and slowly die.

"Absolutely. Yes. Starvation, emotional biochemical starvation kills you. They've also shown with the monkey studies that the monkey will gravitate toward a a warm robot monkey instead of the monkey that feeds it. The warmth and connection actually makes it feel oxytocin. So they build oxytocin connection with the warmth and safety even more than food does.

"Whoa. Yes. Because warmth and safety is more important than food.

"Yes, they'll go to the other one quickly for food and run back to the one that makes them feel warm. A lot of the men I work with, they were in their 50s. They had an affair. But here's what happened is they just buckled down and said, "I will never ever be happy ever again, and I will never feel anything of joy. My wife will be at home. I will take care of her and I will be miserable. And then they meet somebody and they know it's wrong, but that person evokes safety in them and peace and for the first time his oxytocin receptors creek open in her presence and he gets a little bit of something that he's never identified before and it terrifies him, but he becomes desperate for it. So, he pushes that relationship away, but now he's got a weird starvation he doesn't know what to do about and he can't talk to his wife about it because it came from cheating.

"Right. So, now sometimes they go back and talk to their wife about other things and build the bond. But then eventually it comes out he learned it from cheating.

"Yes. And now the only person he's ever bonded to in his life was one person he cheated with and his wife that he now betrayed. And he only now begins to understand how the affair was a betrayal. That's a lot of those men come to me and say, "How do I tell my wife I cheated on her and that I never understood or appreciated her until after I cheated on her? Because now I'm caught. What do I do?" It feels like a hopeless thing for them.

"What do you tell them to do?"

"What do you think I tell them?"

"To be honest and tell them."

"Why?"

"Because when I I'll be honest, when I went through schooling as a marriage and family therapist, the advice they gave us was tell them not to tell them. Oh,

"the system says, "Don't reveal affairs because all it does is make them miserable. You should be silent and just deal with it for the for the rest of your life." That's what we were told in therapy school, right? So, your coup's therapists are out there right now telling them to hide affairs.

"Oh my god. Do you still believe that?"

"No, I never did.

"Oh,

"no. What I tell them is you absolutely must tell them because if you're building that connection, the betrayal that's coming is so explosive, it's out of control. And they will know that you're harboring a secret because they can feel it. The connection you have is different. your cortisol. They can actually smell the cortisol coming through your system, even through pherommones. So, it will hurt you and them the longer you wait. I highly suggest you tell them, but I suggest you do so in a format that says, "I never understood until now. And I'm telling you for your dignity. I'm telling you to give you a choice. I'm telling you because I've wronged you, and only if you can forgive me would I ever be able to do this for you. But I want to." It is a gamble. It is absolutely a gamble. But there is no way forward without it because it will eat both of you alive until you reveal it.

"Oh, that's what I was going to say. What if they know that your partner's going to leave you if you admit it? Like they just like for instance me and my husband, I've told him.

"Yeah.

"Without blinking,

"if you cheat on me at 12:02,

"Mhm.

"At 12:03 I'm out the door. Yeah. Like I I literally won't give you time to explain. So is someone like that more likely to not admit it because they're like, "Well, there's no way I

"Well, you asked me two questions. The second one you asked me was, "Are they more likely to admit it?" But the first one you asked me is, "Should you still tell them?"

"And I when people ask me that, because they do, Adam, I think she's going to leave me. Should I still tell her? I ask them this one question. When is it okay to deny a human being their dignity and their consent?

"And it's not.

"Wow. Wow. dignity and consent

"because she will think that you're continuing good faith in a contract and she will pour her heart into it not knowing that you've already violated the contract knowingly and that you continue to benefit from the contract having violated it. It is about dignity and consent. Period.

"Which is exactly why women get angry and find out it's been a year or two since he did it because she every moment of every day he's been taking her dignity and consent away from her. That's the real betrayal. Yes, he made a bad, stupid decision that they can often forgive, but he stripped her of her humanity for years and continued to benefit from it. Yes, I believe everyone should come clean about their affairs. Yes, I do.

"Wow. Um I mean, I completely agree. I do think so. I figured you would. Yeah. Yeah. Completely. Um what is it the same for women? So, um

"Yes.

"Oh,

"absolutely. Yes. And do you believe or can you debunk the idea that men care more if a woman has actually had intercourse and a woman cares more if the guy has actually had an emotional affair?

"This is completely true. This is 100% true. Women care more about emotional affairs than physical ones because emotional ones are existential level threats. You are going to walk away and destroy me and our children and our family and everything for someone else versus you had sex with someone. Why did you do that? That's awful. That's horrible. You're not the man I thought you were. One is I have to recalibrate my understanding of you and this upsets me and I'm and I'm hurt and I don't feel safe. But the other is you're about to destroy everything I've ever loved. Right? The emotional affair is full abandonment. and biochemically and biologically she's thinking like if I'm pregnant out to here with five babies, right? Like you leave me, we all die.

"Emotional affairs are more risky. Now men have very little concept for emotional affairs. It annoys them if their wife has a crush on someone. They don't like it certainly and and it makes them upset. But men men don't even much use the terminology emotional affair.

"They think her she got attach overly attached to someone and as long as she comes back it's mostly okay. the sexual component. Think biochemically and biologically. He has no way of know making sure those babies are his except her moral character. That's the only reassurance men have is her moral character. So is she sticking to her word and loyal or is she violating her word behind his back?

"If she violates her word behind his back, more existential level destruction. I can't verify those kids are mine. My lineage is dead. I'm a joke. Right? That's the problem.

"Yeah. Oh my god, I love the way you explain it. Um, okay. So, we're going to go to the next one. Number three. This is back to hard truth about men psychology. Number three, se their sexual needs are real and must be understood. Yes.

"What do you mean by that?

"Too many women today say that men don't need sex and that they should just shut up.

"I hear it a lot unfortunately on social.

"Oh god. What are we doing?

"And exactly right. You know, you got a husband. You know. Yes, I know.

"Now, this is not right. There's a famous quote from was it Queen Victoria? Right. Close your eyes, think of England, and do your duty.

"Yeah, I think it was.

"We have this false dichotomy, this false idea that it's either close my eyes and be miserable and fake orgasms

"or tell my husband, go stuff it, and he will just sit there quietly in the corner like a good dog and never ever do anything inappropriate.

"Right? Those are the two choices I have as a wife.

"No, talk about talk to him. He has sexual needs. You have emotional and sexual needs. You both actually have emotional needs that the sexual needs tie into. It just tends to be that men tend to grow intimacy through physical best and women tend to grow intimacy through emotional best, but then they loop on each other and feed each other. The male and female sex drives actually are meant to interlock. It's it's the beginning when they're starved that they look like they're opposites. So,

"the best thing you can do is talk with your husband, say, "You want more sex? I would love to give you more sex, but I don't have the capacity for that because for me it doesn't feel as good right now. Not because you're bad, but because I just I don't feel safe. I don't feel close to you. We don't talk. We don't share. Right? I I have a whole protocol I teach men about how to talk to your wife and at three times the sex in their relationship. She will want triple the amount of sex and be chasing you around and you will beg for a day off. And it's true. They laugh at me when I say that, but six months later they come back and say, "Adam, really? How do I get a day off? How do I tell my wife I don't want to have sex with her without hurting her feelings? I need a rest. It's if you can build the intimacy, the female sex drive goes through the roof. So, it's not a problem that he has needs. It's that her emotional needs aren't getting met. So, she doesn't want to come back and meet his sexual needs.

"But both have to be met. They have to be. We can't starve anyone. It's not going to work. And that's where most people fall short. 65% of people have insecure attachment and they're connecting to people with insecure attachment. So, they can't be honest. So then you're both dancing around afraid of the answer and afraid of even asking questions. Right? If women just ask more questions and if men answer more questions, life gets better.

"Um, all right. So let's go to the next one. So we've got this is back to hard truth about men psychology. Number four, men bond best through problem solving as a team.

"Vasop prein. We have more receptors in our in our brain for vasopressin than women do because we're going to go out of the circle. We're going to go hunt the mammoth survives. Steve gets stomped to death, but the other ones bond. They drag the mammoth back, right? Our brains need to say, "When our lives were on the line, you were there. You stood beside me. You worked with me." We come back inside the circle and there's the woman and she's like, "All right, I'm going to butcher the meat for us. I'm going to protect us. Here's this. I'm going to take care of you." He goes, "You made my life so much better today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Your brain says, "You make life better. You solve problems with me. You don't get in my way. You work with me." So our brains are designed to bond through problem solving more than warmth and intimacy. Warmth and intimacy comes afterward.

"Interesting. Could that be why then me and my husband having built business together has actually brought us closer together?

"I was thinking that actually. Yes. That's probably why you guys have such a phenomenal bond and you overcame any attachment issues you had because the vasopressin was so extreme between the two of you. You guys have locked into it and built it intentionally but without knowing what you were doing. Now that you know, start triggering vasopressin on purpose. He's going to have to give you a lot more orgasms in the bedroom. Just tell him, "Come on, buddy. Come on. At least five more."

"I don't think he'll complain about that. That's right. Um, so then why doesn't kids then bring you together? Because you would think that problem solving with kids, like, "Hey, the kids having a problem. Let's come together. Let's figure it out.

"It's because when we have kids, two things happen. One, it is utterly exhausting. So, you go to extremes where you lock into yourself. And if you if you aren't used to solving problems with, you will start solving problems alone and you start seeing your partner as an obstacle. But number two, you start enacting the same imprinted family model from childhood that your parents imprinted on you about how family works. So then your parents start coming out instead and you start viewing your partner as a problem that you have to navigate around instead of this is my beloved partner that I can work with. You go to a very dark place. Your biochemicals begin to starve and you go into those old patterns that are destructive. You have to be intentional instead. An imprinted family model doesn't work. be intentional about building together as a couple, right? We talked earlier about, you know, you're gonna you're gonna have needs. You're gonna have needs and I'm exhausted. How do we do that? Solving that together right there, that's what we need to do to be intentional. So, you have to be intentional or your parents will creep through you.

"All right. I don't know what to say to that one. That's insane. Um, all right. And we got number five. Male communication is the opposite to women's.

"Yes. Say more.

"A lot of women talk so they can process.

"Oh yes, I do that.

"Right. Yes.

"Yes, I do that.

"Right. And most men don't. You have to be men have to be socialized into understanding that we can do that. And then we have to find out that there's even a purpose. We see a problem in the back of our brain. We observe and then the brain lunges forward to the front to try to act upon that problem without thinking or analyzing. Most women the brain goes to the back to the observe and then it goes across the hemispheres to analyze and say what does this mean? And then you need to go to a trusted confidant and talk that through with your emotional right side brain with their logical left side brain. You click in they release oxytocin. You release oxytocin. You bond together. There's a trusting shared experience. Most women are doing this with a therapist now which is creating a false bond. You need to be doing it with your female friends. But most women today don't have female friends. So, they're doing it with their husband or their boyfriend and he doesn't understand what you're coming in trying to do and process. You come in and say, "Oh man, I'm going to talk to him. We're going to spend an hour. It's going to feel so good. I'm so excited." And you start into it and you're 2 minutes in. He goes, "Wait, stop talking. I have the solution you need. It's great. 2 minutes. It's a record. We've solved your problem. Don't tell me anymore." And he's happy because he thinks he solved your problem like men do. And you are devastated because he has said, "You're not worthy of my time. I'm not interested. Go away. Take the solution and get out of here. Right? And most women don't know how to articulate this to a man or ask him to listen. And most women don't know how to say, I'd love to just process my day with you. Do you have 20 minutes? And most men don't know to ask, "Hey babe, are you wanting me to solve a problem or do you want me to listen?"

"If we can just do that, like specify I want you to listen or hey, you know, what do you want from me? It works, right? His brain will say, "Oh, the problem to be solved is she wants to talk to me and feel close." Cool. I can settle in for 20 minutes and he's like there with a popcorn like, "Tell me about your day." Right? Then he's a great listener, but he has to know what the problem is to solve. His brain needs to solve a problem your brain needs to process. Talk about it out loud and then fix it.

"Um, one of the things you said were how men jump in and they always want to fix it. It drives women freaking nuts.

"Yes. And my husband once said to me, he literally goes, "As I'm talking, telling him my feelings, he says, "Oh, I know exactly what you need to do." And I was like, "But babe, I haven't finished." He goes, "Sorry, I know what you're going to say."

"And I got so upset. I'm like, "So, you're just predicting what I'm going to say, so you skip ahead. So now I can't even tell you how I feel." But he's very productive. And so he's like, "Babe, you know time is important to me." So that's when we started,

right? Yes. I was like, "You better stop that business brain of yours right now. It isn't about being productive."

He slapped you in the face when he did that. That was all he did was slap you across the face and say, "Stop talking."

He did.

But from a male perspective, he was actually honoring you. He was saving your time. He was jumping into a solution and providing value. So from a man's perspective, a man would have been like, "Thank you for saving time. I was afraid I'd have to talk about my feelings. This is wonderful." From a man's perspective, he expected you to be overjoyed.

From a woman's perspective, there's there's very few insults worse than telling a woman to stop talking because you have a solution for her. I tell men this. Would you like your wife to flash you more often around the house? And they go, "Well, yeah." And I say, "Okay, well then every day when she talks, listen to her talk for 20 minutes and pretend it's really interesting and don't interrupt her or give her solutions. And she will build oxytocin from connecting to you and feel so close to you that later she will want physical affection and will reciprocate." Yeah.

And it never fails. Never fails. That's the formula.

That needs to be like the title of your next like book or something like how to get your wife to flash you.

There we go. There's a video course.

Exactly. Um, okay. So, when So, going back to this last one. So, the communication because we do communicate in different ways. What do you suggest as a woman we can like what are the things that we can do to help the guy understand how we're trying to communicate?

Women are emotional when they explain and they use emotional terms. "I want to feel loved." Let's pretend that that man has never felt really loved in his life. What's he going to do?

"Make me feel loved. Come on, buddy. Come on. Come on. Make me feel loved." That's what he hears.

I use what I call the what, why, and how often method.

"I want to feel loved." Fantastic. What are two things that help you feel loved? Why are they personally important to you? And why are they important to the relationship? So what's the benefit to us and how often or how much of it do you need? Help me understand what am I doing measurably?

Why for both of us so I know it's useful so I know what I'm investing in and then how much do I need to invest? If a woman can use that method, everything gets easier.

That's it. But be measurable, exact, right? What? Why? How often?

Oh, that's so good. What about people though that may push back and say, "Why do I have to tell him all these things in order to get him to understand me?"

Well, two things. You don't have to. You can just destroy your family and get a divorce. You can do that. You totally can. No one's going to force you to do this. You can just ruin everything by not doing it. That's fine. And number two, why does he have to care about your emotions?

All of it is for the purpose of building a loving, intimate relationship and then sharing a legacy together. So yes, you have to explain these things to him so he understands so he can meet your needs. You don't have to make him care about you, but you have to help him understand what you need. You're an adult. Act like an adult.

Or you're a little girl who needs to be taken care of by daddy. It's you have to pick.

Right? But same thing I say to men. Why should I have to care about her feelings? Well, because she's going to be the one who manages your legacy after you die. Most women will outlive the man by about 10 years. And then if you have kids or other people, students, people you've mentored who say, "Man, I wish he was here. What would he tell me?" She's got all that data and says, "I will tell you what he would say. He was the best man in the world. Here's what he would tell you." And she has 10 years of transmission to help the next generation move over into living without that man. That is that is what a woman does for a man. She carries on your legacy or destroys it based on how you treat her. So men and women need to care about each other's needs or we should get away from each other.

So good. One of the things that I heard you say that women hardly ever say to men, which is probably one of the most important things we should say.

Oh, I can hear this one coming. Go ahead, please. Please.

"I respect you."

I love that one.

So tell me about it because you actually said in a video, ladies, if you're listening, go up to your man right now and tell him you respect him. So I did. So I went up to Tom and I was like, "Babe, I respect you." And he looked, he literally went like this and he looked so shocked. So talk to me about that word, why it's so important to men, and why women don't say it.

After he looked shocked, can I ask what he did next?

Yes. He goes, "What on earth made you say that?" And I was like, "Well, I've got Adam Lane Smith on, and he told me to tell you that." And and I said, "How do you feel when I said it?"

And he goes, "It makes me feel really good." I said, "Well, what's more important, love or respect? Cuz you said that. What's more important?" And he said,

"Well, if that's a hard decision."

And he said, "But if you didn't respect me, I could never be with you."

That's it.

Women need respect, too. I'm going to say that right. All the women in the comments sections angry saying, "Women need respect, too." Yes, we hear you. Um, and you can love a child.

A woman can love a child. A woman can love a pathetic little animal. My wife is known for taking in like the weirdest, most like twisted, broken, misshapen animals and nurturing them back to health. Like that's what she does. And now the kids all do it with her, too.

You can love a creature like that and still pity it, but you won't follow it. You won't build legacy with it. You won't carry that forward. You won't work as an executive partner with it. You might cheat on it. Right? There's so many things that might happen. Respect is safety for men, but it's also a measurement of their worth as a being. You respect a man's character. You respect his ethics. You respect his drive. You respect the safety he provides. Respect is you are a person I trust and look up to and I rely upon you and I am comfortable doing that. You are a pillar. You are a titan in the world who makes the world work. I respect you. It is not you are above me. It's not I'm less than you or I don't deserve you. It's you are incredible because of your character and I'm in awe of it. I admire you.

Respect is massive for men. It actually what's funny is when a man hears "I love you," it feels good. But we've done studies now when a man hears "I respect you," it's actually a surge of testosterone releases into his system. Testosterone, serotonin, dopamine, it floods his system and it's And it makes him like puff up a little bit like a gorilla. Like I a good man hears it and says, "Now I have even more to live up to. Now I have more to live up to. Now I must rise to your respect." For a good man, respect is a challenge to rise to.

He has to prove he's worthy of it every day with his actions. Most women are utterly petrified of saying the word respect because they're afraid to give that to a man because it feels like she's surrendering control to him or saying, "I'm beneath you and I'm less than you." Most women will do anything on the planet to get around saying the words, "I respect you." What I tell women is if you're with a man you don't respect, leave, right? Tell him and leave. And if you're with a man you do respect, the worst thing you can ever do to him is never tell him you respect him because you're afraid he's going to use it against you. Walk up to him. Yours is great. Put your little hands on his chest and say, "I respect you. Thank you for being the man that you are." Like, watch him melt. He's going to have a heart attack. And say, "Where's this coming from?" But the more you say this, the better it feels. And to all those women who say, "Well, do I have to say the word respect? Does he have to say the word love?" Right? What if we to play the same token? Well, it means a lot to women when they hear the words "I love you," but do we really have to? Aren't we past that? Like, it's not the 1950s anymore. We don't have to say "I love you" anymore. Like women shouldn't need that. Women aren't little children anymore. They should be able to do without the words "I love you." Women should be able to go without that, right? Like it's fine.

It's fine.

No, it's not.

"I love you" and "I respect you." Those are two things that must be said in relationships. If you can't say them, the problem is you.

Is "I love you" the most important thing for a woman to hear?

Often it is because for women, love has respect inherent in it, right? "I love you and respect you and cherish you and treasure you. You mean so much to me and you are unique individual in my life who's irreplaceable." All of these are things that a woman hears when the words "I love you" are said.

But remember that the man has watched you say "I love you" to little children who pick their nose and make macaroni art, right? And and do all kinds of weird stuff. They've heard you say "I love you" to a million people. You can say "I love you" to someone you don't respect. And he's watched you say "I love you" to people that you don't respect. "I respect you" means everything to him.

Wow. I totally hear what you're saying about the hesitation. I think that then comes with building your own confidence, your own self worth that when you tell someone you respect them, you don't feel like you're diminishing yourself.

Gosh, "I respect you" should not in any way, shape, or form diminish you. And if you think that empowering and loving the man in your life is diminishing you in some way, you are the problem. Again, most men will just buckle down, shackle themselves to the cart, and just pull the cart. Even if you never feed them, even if you whip them, even if you treat them like dog crap, they will pull the cart for the rest of their life until they die. Now, maybe along the way they might have an affair, not excusing it, but they might, and say, "This is the only way I can keep pulling the cart." But they will pull the cart until they die. Now, if you can treat them with a token of respect and kindness and dignity, right, it's sad thinking how little men put up with in a married relationship typically today. And it's not because women are bad. It's because men don't know to ask for it and don't think they'll be given it to them. Women don't know what to give them. So, women try to nurture them the way that they want to be nurtured. Women love their men like like he's a wife.

And most women are petrified of actually respecting their man because they're afraid he's going to abandon her or hurt her or betray her. We're all afraid of each other. If we could just treat each other as kind, respected, cared for human beings, we'll be so much better off.

Adam Lane Smith. Dude, this has been so good. So much fun. If people want to go deeper into your world, where can they go?

Absolutely. So, I am on Instagram as AttachmentAdam. Every time I open my Instagram, you're on there, by the way. I've been watching you for years now. You're right. You're the first one I see, which is cool.

I'm also an adamlanesmith.com for me and my team of coaches who help people navigate things. We do couples coaching. We have self-paced courses. I have how to build a secure marriage on there, the exact blueprint for people who've never seen a good relationship, how to do the COO model, how to build a relationship that actually stands for the next 50 years, how to craft a legacy together. Everything's available on adamlanesmith.com.

That's so good. And then I'm just going to plug your YouTube channel because it's freaking great, dude. you're doing great content. So guys, go check out his YouTube channel as well.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

Of course, guys. Guys, oh my god, I've had so much fun. Adam Lane Smith literally has dropped so many nuggets of gold on how men function, how men think, and how our dynamics together can either make us or break us. So guys, please, please do go follow him. His content is amazing. You're not going to be disappointed. If you're not subscribed, smash that subscribe button down there. And until next time, be the hero of your own life. Peace. Thank you so much. Oh my god, that was so good.

Did that feel good?

That was so good.

That felt amazing. That was wonderful.

If you just don't get the man in your life, and you want to really understand how men actually think, then watch this episode right here with Dr. Aean, the man who scanned over a 100,000 male brains. Now, you've scanned over 250,000 brains and have concluded that yes, men and women's brains.

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"Men Find This IRRESISTIBLE!" 3 Ways to Seduce, Captivate & Leave Him Wanting More | Adam Lane Smith

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