Transcription
Hi guys, you're so welcome to this podcast here in Naron with both myself and Remy. Um, coming to you today to really, I hope, clear up any doubts, hopefully stop any rumination that you may have in relation to the narcissist's new supply and this being a total strategic agenda of the narcissist. One of the battles they fight against you. When you know what they're doing, you can overcome it, and actually, you can take control of the trajectory and you can turn it right back, flip it right back 100% on the narcissist. Because the narcissist is so predictable. They have a behavior that is cyclical, that is totally predictable, that runs in cycles, big cycles and small cycles. And I'm going to get into that as to how you can actually affect the outcome of the narcissist's relationship with the new supply, if you want to, without feeling that you have no control in the situation that you're in total pain, and that you think that the narcissist has gone off and found somebody better. Because that's what the narcissist wants you to think, and does a very good job of setting you up to be in the position where you really believe that that's the truth. So we're going to knock this out of the playing field today, I hope. And anyone that has any questions after the podcast, please leave them in the comments. I'll do my best to answer them in some way, at least in the next podcast, if I can't in this.
You may have noticed the introduction of a new, um, microphone. We've been recording for a very long time just using our phone, and my co-producer said to me, "Mom, we need to up our game. We need to up our game at this stage." And thus, we're trying this out. So I hope it improves the sound quality of the podcasts, um, going forward. Please let me know again what you think.
So I've titled this podcast, "The Tea on the New Supply and How You Can Turn the Tables on This Situation." So, as always, we're going to give a generalized situation with a narcissist. Um, some narcissists will obviously gravitate to more longer-term relationships, so it's not as easy to see the cyclical nature of what they do, particularly in terms of going to a new partner and how they, you know, affect the old partner or how they discuss the old partner. So for the purposes of explanation, we're going to take your general average Romeo and Juliet narcissist and describe their thought process in this game they play with their targets. Understanding and knowledge is a fantastic thing, because you then can take control of your emotions and your life going forward. When you understand what the heck is going on here. In my opinion, narcissists seek control all the time, and that is their modus operandi. And they always have to be in control, and they always have to feel superior. And in fact, the need for control controls them. It's like a, a prison on Earth that they have well landed in, but decided to stay in and build around them as a protective mechanism and a destructive mechanism to others.
So my analogy of this would be a soul coming to Earth and a creature attaching itself to that soul, and the soul then having a way of living that is repetitive. It's like, you know, when you turn your phone on or your computer on and it doesn't, um, maybe the Wi-Fi isn't, the signal is not great, and the circle goes round and round and round. And the only way to get rid of the circle is to, to kill, to kill it, to turn the, the laptop off or the phone off and turn it on again. My analogy would be that the only way for a narcissist to escape what they've chosen and built on throughout their lives is to literally pass away from this life and start again as a new soul, if you believe in reincarnation and believe that we're here for a purpose to learn things. But that's an aside. You want to know about the new supply, and I'd like to tell you, because there's a lot of people suffering out there because of this illusory game the narcissist needs to play and likes to play on their victims.
Okay, the general pattern. A narcissist will enter into for anyone that is unaware of the narcissistic personality disorder and the cycle they go through. They see somebody, and this is like literally a supermarket food source. They see someone who's going to meet their needs, and they need, they're totally codependent. They have to have somebody. They have to have somebody to regulate their emotions. So they see someone that they think is going to do the trick, and they love bomb that person in order to get that person under their control. So that literally, as I've said so many times before, the narcissist can utilize all of that person's resources. And those resources can be financial, they can be the physical aspects of that person, they can be the status that person brings to the narcissist when the narcissist is, for instance, climbing a ladder to get to what they consider a better place in life, material gains, contacts, sex, whatever the, the narcissist is after. And hopefully, you know, they will be targeting a person that can bring most of those things to them. And again, that person must be full of empathy and easy to trigger, or easy for the narcissist to control, so that they can trigger that person emotionally. So that person believes in the narcissist's mask, which keeps the narcissist's mask in place and feeds it and feeds and empowers the narcissist. So without going further on that, that's the love bombing stage.
Then the narcissist always, always, always, there is no exception to this, they always devalue their source of supply, being the person that they have chosen to have, whatever the nature of the relationship, whether it's familial, workplace, friendship, or for the purposes of the best visual explanation on this, we've chosen the intimate relationship. They then go to the discard while they're searching for a new supply, and they discard their partner. If their partner doesn't leave them before this, usually it's the narcissist that discards, because this is a mind game the narcissist is playing. That most people don't realize that they're in a game, and they don't realize that the narcissist is playing a game. They don't realize that the relationship isn't real for the narcissist, that the narcissist is there to feed, to take, to steal, to kill, to destroy.
Then the narcissist will Hoover again. And this is particularly interesting in relation to the explanation of what is going on for the new supply. What's happening with the new supply? Is the new supply getting a better time than you did? And where is the narcissist at with this new supply? So we're going to get into this. And the behavior cycle is the all-encompassing whole middle ground of how you can tell exactly what's happening with the new supply. But also, this is a really important point in my view, is that how you can turn this around in your mind so that it no longer tortures you, and that you can change your behavior that will actually affect the relationship the narcissist is having with the new supply.
The narcissist gets into a relationship with you, and the normal trajectory for a narcissist is, whether they introduce it immediately or whether they gradually introduce the fact that they were a victim of the last intimate partner they were with, be it their wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever situation they were in. Let's just take the intimate relationship. That will generally occur so that the narcissist can bring you on side, get you to support their cause, also get you to prove to them that you're not like that, that you will understand more, put out more, do more, and, you know, reassure the narcissist that there are good people out there, and you're there to love them, and you see their value, and you want a relationship to work with them, and you know, you will help them recover and heal from the trauma that they had before, in their words, with their old source of supply, being their old partner. And that's the way the relationships normally will go. And this can go on for, I think it's usually six months to a year. But for some people, it can go on for longer, like some people are in relationships with these narcissists for five and 10 years, discount, not discounting the very, very long-termers. But this is more visible, as I said, in these medium to short-term relationships with narcissists.
Invariably, the narcissist will be in touch in some way with the old supply. And if they're not in touch with them, they will be bringing them up, and it'll be a feature of your conversation going forward. They will be using the old supply, the bad relationship they had with them, again to manipulate you into being the best partner that the narcissist can have, coming on their side. And sometimes they will use you, who will be at that stage the new supply, to help them battle the old supply, stand between them and the old supply. Um, maybe the narcissist will say, "I can't meet them every time I meet them, they're so verbally abusive, or they set me up. You know, will you take the children from there, or something in the handover, or whatever?" Or they'll say that the old supply has done this and that to them, and the next time they keep ringing my phone, and that'll be the narcissist actually ringing them, and the old supply would be ringing the narcissist back for whatever reason, you know, triggered the narcissist. And they'll ask you to speak with them, or you will feel so overcome with wanting to help that you will, in some way, interfere, you know, and help try and help the narcissist out. Anyway, that's the way it generally starts. So you'll have dreadful stories of what's happened to the poor narcissist.
And at some point in the relationship, you will want to back out because the toxicity is too much, and it's overwhelming. The narcissist doesn't stop talking about their old partner, or their old partner keeps interfering, and you're putting out so much and doing so much that you're becoming exhausted. So you start to put some boundaries in. This is two-pronged, usually. You put some boundaries in with the narcissist, and you kind of back away and say, "Listen, my, you know, my being in this with you is not, not solving the problem with you and your old relationship partner. So I'm going to just, you know, back out here a while and let you guys sort it out." Um, and I'm, I'm sure that that's for the best. Basically, you've had enough. You've had enough, and it's getting worse, not better, and you're fed up with the triangulation of this third party always being in your relationship. You can never seem to go forward. There's always either reference to this person, or this person is literally physically, or in on the phone, or whatever. At that point, and this is universal, and this came up in coaching yesterday, and this is one of the reasons that I'm bringing this up because I'd really like you to know that this is what's going on.
At that point, usually, there's a devaluation process in place. Now, something else might happen with the old supply, and you might comment on it after staying out of it for so long. Well, the narcissist will turn on you and say, "Actually, that was quite a good relationship." And you're going, "What?" You know, it's like, this is the narcissist having to change their reality. They're not a stable person. They don't exist as a person. This is a hologram that changes with the circumstances in relation to control and supply. So you're not being as easy to control, so you need to be brought back into control. So the narcissist will then up, put the other person, their old source of supply, in the good guy or the good girl position again, and you're starting to go into the bad boy or the bad girl situation with the narcissist. And the narcissist will reference their old supply saying, "You know, they were quite strong, they were quite good at this, they were whatever." And it goes, so it goes. And you are absolutely gobsmacked because in the beginning, the narcissist had nothing good to say about this person. In fact, they made the person sound so bad that you think that that person should have been locked up, that it was verging on criminal. That's how different, that's how contrasting the narcissist's experience is, or the relaying of their experience with this person. This person does 100% flip in the narcissist's head. And the narcissist talks to you and triggers you with this into feeling that you've kind of failed them in the relationship. And in fact, you've done such a bad job that this devil that they used to talk about is now being put on a pedestal. You know the way it goes, guys. I bet you recognize this. And I promise you, this happens to all of us, nearly all of us. It is mind-blowing. And the more you don't want to know about the old supply, the more they will jab you with it. It's like the old supply poker. If you're not getting triggered, if you're not giving the emotional response, if you're going gray rock with the narcissist, they'll take the old supply poker out and go, "They're great. They're great." Then what they will do is they'll twist the poker in you and say, "You know, I wouldn't have had all that trouble with my ex-partner if you hadn't interfered so much, and if you hadn't been so jealous and hated her or him." I think the eyes will nearly pop out of your head when you hear this, or probably did. So, you know, at that point, if there weren't all the other manipulations going on of you in other ways, I think, in the cool, cold light of day, if somebody did that to you without you being so embroiled in the relationship and without your head being so frazzled with the other manipulations, you would say, "This person needs to be locked up. They're absolutely bonkers, crackers, crazy." There is no stability within a narcissist. The narcissist changes the truth, changes reality, changes how they feel about situations and people continually. That, that's going to give you a heads up. That's going to give you a heads up.
And this is going to bring us in nicely, segue into what's going to happen in the narcissist's next relationship. So let's go with this now. I'm just, before we get into the next stage, I'm going to describe the cyclical nature of the narcissist relationship, and then I'll bring that in at the end as well. So while the narcissist is in a relationship with you, let's say the circle is that big, and they're going love bomb, devalue, discard, and then Hoover. Love bomb, devalue, and discard. At the same time, there are other cycles going on in the narcissist's life. So with the old supply, they have a big circle over here, and they're up in the discard, devaluation, discard stage. So you're, they're in the discard stage, and you're in the love bomb stage. They go down to the possible Hoover stage, and you go up into the discard, into the devaluation stage. So your little cycle is going on because you're the main supply of the narcissist at the moment. But the old supply cycle is also running in conjunction with you. And there may be a few old supplies whose cycles the narcissist has basically shelved.
So while you're in the devaluation stage, when the narcissist wants to get resupplied with the goodie feelings, they're being telling you off like a, like a parent or a school teacher. You're being really spat upon, basically. They're re-evaluating their old sources of supply, and they're putting them back up on the pedestal. You know, whoosh, up you go there. Now, up you go. I want to have a look at you again. The, the old supply may be then becoming on good terms with the narcissist, or they're looking at a, a new, new supply, or they're doing both at the same time. This is helping them to regulate themselves in the feel-good factors. And it's also helping them because they're devaluing you, which gives them a lot more energy to put into being Mrs. and Mr. or Mrs. Nice Guy or Nice Girl to the old supply and the potential new supply. Do you get it? There has to be someone in the devaluation stage for the narcissist to be able to keep the mask on firmly in place to look like the positive angel, um, the, the purveyor and conveyor of good deeds personified to whoever they're love bombing now. That is a very important point.
So let's just say you've been discarded by the narcissist, and we're going to leave the old supply over there because sometimes they go back to the old supply. But we're going to just take a fresh new supply here, um, just in case they haven't, they haven't come back to the old supply. You've heard about this new person. And I hope, guys, if you're new to all this terminology in this community, we call, unfortunately, people supplies because that's what they are to narcissists. So you've been discarded, and you know the narcissist has done all the tricks. This is a battle agenda with the narcissist. They make the discard as cruel as possible for you, or sometimes as nice as possible, whatever is the more torturous option for you to make them feel superior and empowered. And you feel the most devastated form of yourself that you've ever felt. That is whizzing the narcissist's drums, or whatever you want to call it, knowing the, knowing that you're very down, and the knowing that they are a significant loss to you, and the knowing that you believe there is significant loss to you means that the mask exists, means the fake persona exists, because you believe in it. And if you believe in it, that's why they need people. You believe in it, you're actually powering it up like a, a big battery that's going to go on for a year or whatever, a very powerful battery for the narcissist.
The narcissist gets into the new relationship powered by your distress and torture. You may even be contacting them looking for closure. You know, it's, it's unbelievable. They've dropped you like a hot potato when you didn't expect it. You're in a total state of turmoil. You get the picture. They then hook into the new supply. Now, what the new supply is going through is exactly what you went through. Exactly. So if you're saying, "Oh my God, they're getting a great time, and, you know, it's all going very well for the new supply. They're having a much better time than me. They must be much better." Absolute codswallop. They're an object to the narcissist to regulate themselves on. They're a new battery. The narcissist is able to maintain a semblance of the nice guy and the nice girl mask that they're presenting to the new person by doing exactly what they did with you. They're easing into the victim role. If you are contacting them, this is if they haven't, keeping the new supply hidden, that's a whole another podcast. But this is if you are aware of the new supply, and they're using the new supply in a battle plan. This is a segment of the overall battle of the narcissist. This is actually an attack on you. So don't think that the narcissist really loves the new supply. The narcissist really loves having the new supply, and the narcissist really loves you suffering over there in the corner because they're with the new supply. It's all about power, empowerment. The narcissist doesn't get happy. The narcissist gets empowered, and that's as good as it gets for the narcissist. The narcissist is trapped in the need for control. The narcissist is controlled by control.
So what's happening with the new supply is the more you contact the narcissist in trying to find closure, or the more the narcissist hears that you're not doing well, that you're really suffering, you know, that, that you're not moving forward, that you've lost your job, that you can't get out of bed, that whatever. The narcissist hears, and the narcissist is always watching. I know people say the narcissist goes off and doesn't give you a second thought. In general, they're not thinking about you. But what they are doing is dipping back in every now and again to make sure you're in the position that they want, want you to be in for them to feel that you've been punished for any disloyalty that they perceived in you, notwithstanding you have done nothing. They, by your distress, and if they hear that you're distressed, empowers them enough, as I said before, to keep the mask on in place for the new supply. So the more they hear that their new relationship has affected you detrimentally, and even if they're not hearing the thought process that it might be affecting you detrimentally, or them seeing you posting things on Facebook about relationships or feelings or anything like that, they know. They pick up very easily on the slightest cue. The longer that they know that you're suffering, the longer the love bombing stage will maintain in, in place for the new source of supply. Because what's happening with them is what was happening with you. The narcissist was using their old source of supply, and that'll be you and me now, and making the new person in their relationship put out for them, just like you did. Be discussing you, and they'll be smearing you to the new supply. And whatever interaction you have with the narcissist and the new supply, and sometimes people can't not have because they share children, or they're trying to finish, finalize a divorce, or they're trying to have a share in a property, whatever is happening. The longer the battle goes on against you, the longer the new supply is going to be love bombed. You are essentially regulating the narcissist and enabling that love bombing phase to go on for longer.
If you, this is how you can affect what can happen in the narcissist's world. At this point, the narcissist feels, "I am amazing. Everybody wants me. Woo, I'm in a new relationship. You know, I am the best. I'm it." And that's as good as it gets for the narcissist. But they've created an illusion for you. It's a total illusion, and you're suffering because of it, and you're in torture because of it. And you don't need to be. I know that we need to go through the grieving process of the fact that we thought and believed we were in a relationship and we loved the person that we believed was there, that obviously wasn't. So there is a grieving process, but it does not have to be as torturous as the narcissist wants for you to for it to be. This is a battle that you can turn on the narcissist. Now it's time to take control. Taking control means that we stop it being fine and dandy for the narcissist and the new supply. We cut all contact or minimize the contact between them. If a divorce is dragging on, we get to that court, we tell the solicitor or the lawyer, "This person will not compromise, will not negotiate." Get to court and get the deal done. If at this point, as well, the narcissist tries to trigger us by saying, "Well, you can't have that kitchen table that I said you could have because blah blah." I'm telling you, if you don't deal with it, if you just say, "Give it to them," or don't engage in that trigger, go to your lawyer and say, "Let's finalize these things." Have no contact with the narcissist. You are literally turning the battle back on them. You're taking control of the situation. And I'm telling you, what's going to happen for the new supply? Because the narcissist isn't getting regulated by you, or is at least getting less regulated by you, the new supply is going to get it. I know you might say, "I don't want the new person to be hurt." Or whatever. The sooner that new person, and they could be a narcissist as well, but if they're not, the sooner the new person gets to see who they're dealing with, maybe the sooner they can escape. The narcissist will start picking at the new person and will start holding the new person accountable, even saying, "You know, I wouldn't be losing so much on this divorce if I hadn't met you," kind of thing in the back of their head. And will be punishing emotionally that new person. Now, that's how it goes about you taking control of the situation by changing your mindset, totally understanding what this actually is. You can turn the battle around. You bring in reinforcements, and you change your battle strategy. You're no longer being pounded by the narcissist, feeling that they're all powerful, that you're the one in pain, that they've gone off and they're having a fantastic time. Nothing could be further from the truth. So you just need to start believing the truth and understanding that it's the narcissist that's captured in that unending circle going around on the laptop, who's not going to get out of it. And that you actually can affect the outcome of what's going on. You put the focus on your life, as even if it's small steps, you make a plan for yourself. You are not trapped. It's the narcissist that's trapped. The more you do that, the more the narcissist's next relationship goes, "Whoa." Don't facilitate the smooth ride the narcissist is having at the beginning of the relationship that they may either have cheated with you on, or left you for, or punished you with, or all three. You are the person that's in control once you overcome the mind game. Advocate for yourself and accept the truth.
Guys, I hope this has been of some help. And somebody said to me recently, "Polly, you never ask people." I do sometimes, but you never ask people to like, share, and subscribe. You know, I'm asking you to like, share, and subscribe if the podcast was of value to you. I would really appreciate if you could do that. Listen, guys, I'll see you again shortly. Um, take very good care of yourselves. And I hope that you can change, even from this moment in time, change the trajectory of the illusion of the narcissist's control over you for once and for all. Bye for now.