Determination

What's going on, boys? Thanks to our patrons and Fiverr customers. Subscribe to our Patreon—free for behind-the-scenes stuff. Arm yourselves—life stuff.

We're talking about life and work today. And I put together a small outline, but I guarantee you we won't be able to stick to it. That work situation turned out about the way I thought it would. At least that meeting—it was all in-person pacification and sympathy baiting—and then the very next day, back in the realm of online communication, straight back into passive aggression.

What do you do with someone who says, "You have a point. I will step back properly, and they won't be attending this emergency meeting"? Double check twice. "You're for sure not coming to this." "No, I am not coming to this." And then they contact you and other people later, bitching about they're not attending that meeting because, although they said they weren't or wouldn't be attending that meeting, nobody invited them, and that's why they're pissed, and now they're going to do something to [ __ ] up more momentum. My FE dealing with INFJs for a long time senses rang true. Now we'll see if I get muscled out after all the hard work is done.

But I did a bit of thinking about what a person is supposed to do in situations like these. Now, we got a comment from an ESTP that was phrased in a way that gave me douche chills, but I could feel something about what was said there rang true. In essence, if you want to resolve this issue and prevent issues like this in the future, you need to push over and through people who do [ __ ] like what I just described.

And I was thinking about that because there's or there are two levels to that advice. Level one—that is, for a person who hasn't been [ __ ] up or over—advice. Someone who's been protected from consequences or at least hasn't encountered them yet. But level two, when that advice works, it works. I always think about that line in *The Lost and Damned* about centrifugal force and motorcycles. The faster you're going, the less likely that bike is to fall over. And that's great when it works, but you, in life, you get a few of those moments it does not work, and then all you care about paying attention to is preventing those situations in which it doesn't work. That advice, or advice like it, agitates me because you can smell a person who's never had a bad fall before. Just do it, people. You can smell a level of comfort on them. And I hate them for a few reasons. First, I can't stand people who talk like they have everything figured out. Thousands of years alive and conscious, and some [ __ ] you don't know has figured it all out. I hate how comfortable they feel. Nobody that comfortable should be giving advice about anything. And I think another reason I resent people like this is I took a lot of that advice from comfortable people when I was younger, and that's what led me into my falls because you took advice from someone who hasn't fallen yet. And then finally, there is the effectiveness of what they're preaching. They're—they'll either not fall as long as they keep their momentum or they're less likely to fall. It's like boxers who have never been knocked out. A boxer is an animal, a complete animal, until they're knocked out. And they might continue to be an animal after they've been knocked out, but they're different; there is a caution or reservation in them. I don't think they—they can shake even if they wanted to. In other words, a strategy like that is effective, but its effectiveness hinges on your ignorance of what can happen to you. Overall, they make me sick.

Nonetheless, thinking about it to the point I asked some more assertive people about it. Without getting into too many details, this is my situation. This is what I've been doing. I received this bit of advice. What do you think about it? As a person who would probably subscribe more to this other advice than to what I've been doing. And that's another thing about advice, right? I didn't ask for advice on that last video, but I got a bit of it because, well, because of the video title and because of the situation I was describing. And when you're dissatisfied with your methods, you need to consider possibilities or you need to buckle up and be ready to take the [ __ ] of continuing to do what you're doing. Unasked-for advice guy is annoying. But the guy who annoys me even more now is the guy who wants advice and then defends everything he's been doing that's been getting him dissatisfied results. That guy's a lot more annoying.

Now, the essence of the advice I received after asking around about this advice is: people can't argue with results. Nothing can get done when there are too many chefs in the kitchen. And there needs to be a leader and a final say everyone will stick to. Now, we've been through most of that already. I'm mentioning it here because that's what I got from people. Either they don't want to have a leader. Nobody wants to step up. I'm—they don't want me to step up. They don't want to stick to any decision we agree on multiple times. And everybody wants a say, but nobody wants to do anything or be held responsible for their say. Already been through all that. None of those things can be resolved unless I'm allowed to hit people with sticks.

Now, the part of that I hadn't really considered is: people can't argue with results. And I'm inclined not to consider that because people can argue and be angry even when you get results. That's—that's what people are. You give them what they ask for, and then they're angry about it. How do people not understand this about human nature? How do you—how does anybody know anything about humanity? Everything you're told about humanity, what people are and how to interact with people, it's all wrong. There's no rationality in interacting with anybody; none. But I hadn't tried shutting everybody out and focusing on getting results myself. So that's what I am doing now or trying now. And I think I didn't do that before because, unfortunately, my blood is red, white, and blue. And on some level, somewhere deep down inside, I still want to believe in democracy, in voting, in cooperation. And it's [ __ ]—I will—I'll say I hate democracy and people shouldn't be allowed to vote in a second. But when it comes actually to implementing shutting people out, I have a hard time with it.

Trying it now. It's difficult because I am such a good person. I am so [ __ ] nice to you people. My issue is I want everybody to be on board. I don't want people sneaking around. I want there to be trust. And unlike other work situations, my employment is dictated by a vote. Meaning, if I piss people off, I'm gone. I want to make our procedures better for idealistic reasons. I also don't want to defy them out of fear. And I understand people have—some people have this way of [ __ ] around or steamrolling shitty bosses or other controlling types and getting away with it. And I—I watched some *A Bug's Life* clips. I don't—it's been so long since—since I've watched that movie, but Hopper is neat. Some people understand how to do that—control their controllers. I understand that's a possibility. I understand some people can do it, but it doesn't compute in my head because, to me, that looks and feels like an insecure, unstable foundation. Again, I understand some people are so good at it; it is, for them, a secure and stable foundation, but for me, it's not. I view all situations and relationships in terms of power: Who can force who else to do this or that? And when I say force, I don't necessarily mean naked force. I can mean bargaining or a little bit of trickery, but really everything comes down to: one person has the power to be in charge, and other people don't. And if you don't have that power, then maybe you can trick people for a while, but if they decide they want to, you're [ __ ]. And I am not comfortable with that. And even situations in which you stand to damage somebody a lot, you think to the point they wouldn't dare [ __ ] with you—people will still [ __ ] with you. People seem not to understand how willing people are to destroy themselves, to hurt other people. That's not some fringe thing. Average Joe [ __ ] is willing to lose a foot if it means he gets to crack somebody's skull. I'm sure he will regret it afterward, but people don't think about afterward. In my mind, you need a foundation solid enough people can't shake you. That's the most important thing. And with my present work situation, I don't have that at all.

Now, you momentum people repulse me. You disgust me with your comfort. But I am trying—I will try part of that, as we discussed—the getting results. People can't argue with the issue, of course, being you will get results, and people will argue with them. But I haven't done it yet. So maybe it will turn out fabulously, and people will [ __ ] off. I doubt it, but we'll try it and see.

Oh, I knew I was forgetting part of this. I mentioned earlier everything comes down to force in this trickery game. I'm not good at bluffing, and I'm also not good at regulating anger or tolerating this friend-enemy [ __ ]. That's another thing I don't understand. People talk like they have all these friends, but everybody hates their friends. I don't understand how people are able to relax around someone they despise on a level they're uncomfortable talking about. I'm not good at that. I don't allow that in my life. So when people come to me and try to do this hot-and-cold friends-and-enemies thing, I don't have the patience or the savvy to engage with them on that shitty political level, and I don't want it. My options in those situations—situations which, by the way, I don't have that unshakable foundation in—I either bear it or I lose it. People will go on for years in this gray, foggy hostility thing. And when people try to engage me on that level, and I'm not going to bear it, I might not hurt somebody or lose my [ __ ] on somebody, but I will say things that you can't take back. And I think I do that because this—this [ __ ] loser dude called it a—called it the dance. It's—it's a big dance. I bet you like dancing. That came from one of these dudes who was in one of these men teaching other men how to have sex with women clubs and unprompted telling me repeatedly it's not gay. You can't see the faces I'm making or the emotes I'm doing. If we play that game, I'll lose now and I'll lose later, and you'll probably lose later. Now, I don't know because, thus far in my life, I haven't let it get to that point. But if I'm going to lose, give me the loss now so I don't lose bigger later. And I hate those situations also because you're—or by engaging with them at all, you're acknowledging the fact you don't have the power. It's humiliating, needing to do that. It's not just a dance; it's the wage waggle, essentially. It's—it's a humiliation dance you're engaging in with other people. It's not a contest. I hate feeling humiliated. I hate feeling powerless unless it's in a sexual context. It's like St. O'Neal's punk test: If you're going to do something to me, do it now. Don't—don't drag it out with all this [ __ ]. And yes, I understand dragging it out—you can make dragging it out and enduring it beneficial to you sometimes, but you'll still lose in the end. And I value my dignity and peace of mind a little higher than that.

I just took a clarity piss, and I thought of a little quote that has nothing to do with anything: "A camera needs help to take a picture of itself." Deep thoughts with Skimmer. And actually, quick tangent, despite its issues, one of the reasons *The Boys* is a really great show is they somehow managed to make you sympathize with a sex offender. Thinking about it, *Venture Brothers* did that, too. And *The Sopranos* made Christopher sympathetic—or—that's like Wild Child in *New Vegas*. It's not—there's not a scale with one or the other, or there's not a balance; it's both. Christopher is sympathetic and the worst. Anyway, back on topic. I need to get it off my chest before we move on because if I don't, I'll be thinking about it or I'll continue to think about it: that former president. I mean, so many reasons that former president has been getting under my skin, but on the most basic mammalian level, I continue to do my job. And despite my coldness, I haven't been rude or nasty. And I haven't been rude or nasty because I am trying to respect him as a male mammal. He's an old man, but he could still shoot me. That's one of the beautiful things about firearms. But by that same token, and he hasn't gotten really ugly yet. He's done some passive-aggressive things and some small flare-ups, but he hasn't pushed me like that yet. He's starting to get there. And to people like these, they do shitty little things. He's [ __ ]—he's one of these dudes who talks about being a—a man all the time and then does [ __ ] [ __ ] constantly. It'll be needling. As a creature, you have origami bones; a breeze could bruise you. I am respecting your capacity to shoot me in the face. Please respect my capacity to breathe on you the wrong way.

Now, back into the next big topic. Thinking about all the stuff we've talked about in the first leg of this video, it got me thinking about YouTube, Fiverr, Patreon, Kindle to a lesser extent. It's strange realizing you've dedicated almost a third of your life to this thing. But to me, it doesn't feel like a commitment. I spend a lot of time every day or just about every day I'm doing those Patreon posts. A few times per week I'm doing the Fiverr stuff. A few times per week I'm sitting down and making a YouTube video. And remember, whatever time or the length of whatever video you're watching that I make, usually quadruple it. That's how much time it takes me to put it all together from the moment I sit down to the moment I hit publish. So, a substantial amount of time doing all this other [ __ ], but none of these things feel like pains for the most part. They don't feel like commitments. Why? Because I love them. When you love something, it's not really a commitment. And why do I love them? Well, there are bunches of reasons. YouTube pays me for not needing to make friends. Anything I would talk to a friend or a therapist or a loved one about, I talk to or I talk about on YouTube. And instead of handing someone ammunition they will use to hurt me later, YouTube hands me 13 cents. Realistically, after their cut and taxes, I'd say I average about a buck fifty a day. Of course, it goes higher and lower than that, but that's kind of the average, and that's not a bad average for something you would pay to be doing. Fiverr, specifically the tarot—it's a little bit of a pain in the ass getting everything to look pretty, or at least the way I want it to look. But sitting down and doing the reading, that's a lot of fun. I like reading for people. Why are my prices so low, at least on the $5 tier? Because I don't hate doing it. The Patreon has become a wonderful little side thing because it's not what I was afraid it would be, which is just a place people send you money so they can act like you owe them. It's become its own little platform. I do those daily free and paid members posts. Those are time-consuming but fun. If I could figure out how to sell my stories better or at least make that level of time worth the effort, I'm sure I'd be writing a lot more, too. I haven't figured that out yet. But none of those reasons are why I love them so much—why they don't feel like commitments. Why do I love them in the way I do? Because I have control over them. If someone compliments me in a way I don't like, I don't have to deal with them. With YouTube, outside copyright and community guidelines stuff, which is usually not an issue, I can say whatever I want, and I don't limit myself very much. There are even the things that I tone back, which are a few—I still get to say them. That's one of the reasons I know a bunch of people have issues with YouTube, but there's some faction in YouTube trying to keep the platform alive. And I'm beginning to imagine it the same way I'm trying to keep my nonprofit alive. When YouTube is shitty, it's very shitty, but it's shitty rarely. And as far as platforms go, I don't hate it. In fact, most of the time I like it. Patreon is suspiciously Wild West. I think I moderate myself more on Patreon than I do on YouTube because of how suspicious I am of them, but I've had no issues with Patreon—this—none. Zero issues with Patreon thus far. Fiverr is annoying, but that's because they're more corporate, and it's—it's less like you're a freelancer and more like you are one of their freelancers. But even that you can work around, and I have, and even if they ever got to the point I—I was sick of them, I have options. I don't need to use Fiverr. And when you don't need to do something, your tolerance goes up by quite a lot.

I love these things because I have control over them. And I'm wondering if it's because it's so automated. The rules are clear, and as long as you stay within the rules, you probably won't have any problems. It's upsetting—or maybe it's—it's not upsetting. It's—it should probably be concerning. I have a better working relationship with an algorithm than I do with people.

What do I want out of life? I think I've settled on the fact we won't know, cosmically, the things we want to know either until we're dead or ever. But that's not going to stop me from thinking and studying and all this [ __ ]. And with online stuff, it's not strictly about becoming famous, though that would be nice—that's—that makes my soul feel good. The most basic form of what I want out of life is for people not to have control over me: not living in fear of being fired, being homeless, being in jail. The ability to sustain a life I choose. My dream is to have a van put together for living in it. And I would live out—well, I mean, I—I haven't lived in a van. If it goes well, I would live out or I could see myself living out a good portion of my life in a van, but—and you want that because of emergencies or because of the freedom it would offer you. But I still don't think I would live in a van. And that's because of the vagrancy laws. You can't—you can't even make the decision to live on the road if you want to. You can make the decision to try, but you have—you don't have enough power to know you can get to—to continue living this way until you die. And that's what I want. I want to be in a position I can choose something and know for certain, or at least as certain as a person can be, you can do this until you're dead. The Amigara Fault [ __ ]. Is it? You think it's horrifying to find your hole and bury yourself in it and never come out? That's the dream: find something that sustains you, that you can sustain, and being able to do that until you're dead. That's the dream. Though, I will say that's—I think my channel, if we're talking about taking steps to reach that place, I think my channel could be or would be more successful if I adjusted some things. But I don't want to because I like doing my videos this way. And if you compromise on something you love and you're not compromising out of love, then it's not love anymore; you've lost it or you sold it.

I thought we would arrive at some grand point in this video, and we didn't. But that's fine. These have been some thoughts, considerations about stuff that's been going on. And a quick tidbit before we go: When you get hiccups, if you remind yourself you aren't a fish, the hiccups go away. That's worked for me probably 19 out of 20 times now. There's one time it didn't work. And I don't remember where I got that from or who taught me that, but it works. And I don't know why it works. Like if you enjoyed it—subscribe if you haven't.