Joey Diaz Unforgettable Moments

Three women sat there, and I go, "Did you see the egg roll?" And then I lost them for sure. They even told me, they go, "You got the job." As I was walking down the street on Fox, my phone rang. My engine goes, "Go back. You didn't even read." I didn't even read. And they had called my agent. Said, "We love this guy." I went back. They saw the cube and they grow, "You know, well, they were probably not used to someone with confidence that didn't give a [ __ ]." You know, I went to an audition one time, bro, with the guy. Had to. I never forget this. The guy was a white trash guy. Like this family moved in. There was a pilot for ABC. And this guy is one of those guys that, uh, he had a little circular pool in front of his house. And he was, he was watering ship. But at the same time, he had like a thong on. And he's fat. He's got jewelry on. Like one of those guys in like Long Island. You know what I'm saying? So I never forget. I get to the audition. All these guys are there. Tony Lango got arrested. Saw all these big Italian dudes. And I knew they were gonna get the part, bro. I'm like, "They're gonna get the part. I'm not gonna get it." But I had warm-ups on, all right? I had a warm-up sign with the string. And I had white tidy whities. And I had a zip-up jacket. And I had to weigh 380. So I walked like, "I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take my pants off." All right? I'm taking my [ __ ] sweats off, dog. I walk in. And what do you think these two ladies say to me? "Hold on one second. We'll be with you in a minute." So they turn around. That's my cue. [ __ ]. I took those sweatpants off. I took the shoes off and my socks. And I walked closer. And I took my shirt off. When they turned back around, all I had was boxer shorts on. Like the tiny whities. That's it. Ted's hanging out. Stomach hanging over the underwear. And they, and they did. As soon as they turned on, they're like, "Oh my God." They're like, "That is terrible. Put your shirt back on." I'm like, "I'm not putting on [ __ ]. All right? I'm reading this [ __ ] how it is." So you were supposed to like wave and say, "Good morning," right? And then like, "Action." And they like, "Can't even look at me because I'm completely naked." You know? And they can't even look at me. And I'm making believe I'm flipping burgers. And like, look over them. And I go, "Living like a doctor." That's it. They booked me. When I got to the audition, that was the read. "Living like a doctor." They even gave my own line. After those auditions, I wanted to. They gave me whatever line I said in the audition. Like, whatever they said wasn't good enough. Like I'd go in there with my own [ __ ] line. Yeah, that's, that's probably why you got it. Look, look at Joey. He's just saying that's when you were wearing those big daddy shirts. Yeah. Look how big I was. Jesus Christ. You were enormous back then. So must have been like what, 2000 then, right? Yeah. This is 2000, 2002. When I met you. Like right after I met you, I brought you under the set of News Radio. But they, they were all like, um, "Who is this guy with the leather jacket on? Is this guy your friend?" Like, "Okay, that's Joey. Tell maybe he could talk him into switching governments if he's a kid." A lot of dudes like that that you look at. You look at a kid who's walking his dog. He's like, "[ __ ], am I gay?" No, no, no, no, no. Maybe you have, uh, evil fantasies. Like Rob Outfield and help him. But he was gay as [ __ ]. No, that's not saying that. I love Bob Halfords. But I'm just saying that you got another thing. There's a lot of [ __ ] guys, dog. That you see that you know, maybe their dad's still alive. And he was a marine. You can't go home. Home and tell your dad who was a general Marine, "You want a blow guy?" Joe Rogan, you wouldn't tell. How many guys do you think are out there right now? We've had this discussion. That are married. But every once in a while, they put a feather suit on and they go dance. Like in anything. It's probably more than ten. And that's what we used to. You know, we used to go down there. We were dumb kids. We figured out we could rob these dudes that were drunk. They come down and get their dick sucked. So we better. We got the captain of police's son. So we weren't gonna go to jail. He was better looking than you. We ain't gonna go to jail. We put him out there. We could put like a, a, a, a guinea t-shirt. You know, those white beans with a little gold chain with a cross. And then we'd hide in the trees. And then he'd go suck your dick. And the guy would park. And then he'd walk him back. And right before I went to get that one knee, I come up with that straight right kick. Jon Jones to the [ __ ] nut sack. God damn. You go down. We, we're in the trees. We're hiding in the trees. We [ __ ] fly down from the tree. And we just take your money. We were 16 guys. You know, nobody [ __ ] knows what's right. It's not that my mother. No perfect guy in the house. And you gotta remember, my crew was the third Quran. There was a crew from 64th Street. They were not only robbing you, they were taking you to your house. I had friends that were in high school that actually were getting. Who was setting you up? Yeah. "Let's suck your dick." And then they put you back in your car and go to your house and rob you. We were the light crew. We were just going down there, peppering you with a few shots and running away. Yeah. My point about the story was, there was one time where I got beat up. I went down there by myself. You went to. Yeah, you went down there by yourself. And a half. And like only one by eight. So I got close by the hook. And I, and I called my buddy. And I go, "Dog, we lost." And he goes, "I'm with my girlfriend." But at the time, I was yayoing it up. I'm hanging out with my buddies. [Laughter] I'm from Jersey. You don't do nothing to me. This dude lit me up. It was, it could have been known as his uncle. I tell you what I don't like is these [ __ ] COVID tests. The one with the nose. Oh my God. What a weird feeling. Yeah. Here's a funny thing. Like, I did it. But I got the blood. I didn't trust. Listen, let me explain something to you. You don't want to put a cotton swab in my nose, dog. Why? What happened? I got angel dust, coke, THC, crystal, animal tranquilizers. [ __ ]. Are you kidding me? When they did my nose, I remember, "Oh [ __ ], dust." You will open up an ass. A little bit of dust comes out. Nobody knows nothing. You just take him like a man. Like, you know, I remember when I woke up. Not the line was Jizzle in my nose. And the sparks were coming out of my nose. I still got Coke rocks in those clams in there. So you stick a cotton swab in there and they're gonna [ __ ] it up. Because you know, they're making mistake, right? So some grandmother's gonna go, "You know." So the grandmother's gonna go, "You didn't test positive for code, but you get, you need treatment. You need help. You got like 10 kilos in your [ __ ] nose." Well, the new one, they barely go inside your nose. They just go. They used to have to go deep up into your nose. But now they just go into the opening. It's not that bad. The new one's not that bad. It's like, have you ever thought about this? We've never discussed this. No dick. And I did the [ __ ] research. When I was growing up in the 70s, you got a thermometer in your [ __ ]. Yes, they used to put a demobling [ __ ]. They're gonna result. What that did to people. If we go backwards, we're gonna see how many people are gay. Because for years, what they were getting a thermometer to put in their [ __ ]. By the time they're 16, what difference does it make? Even put a thermometer up my ass. You know many times? I don't think that's how it works. The thermometer. It was the creepiest thing. People, okay, you went to a doctor. He told you to bend over. Like you'd be burning up. You'd have one of those covert fevers. They tell you to bend over. He dipped at the mom in Vaseline. And he stick it in your ass for like a minute. And you had to sit there with a [ __ ] thermometer in your ass. And look at him like, make eye contact and talk to him. Then he would take it out, wipe it. And then go like, look real close. Tell you you're 91.1. You don't remember a thermometer? I remember them. You think about that [ __ ]. I remember them in the mouth too. Wowed about that. Because you have this metal [ __ ] rod. Who for a while? It's hard to believe, right? That's the best part. I don't give a [ __ ]. When anybody tells you, standing ovation, selling tickets, took part of the comedy. You're gonna remember when you're with Brodie Stevens in the car with Josh Wolf. And I got Brody in the back, tied up in the [ __ ] back in the Volvo. 100 with his car. And he's yelling, "Stop it." Normal people do not live like this. Every time I see Brody, I give him a hug. Now he's coming back. Well, he's not going to come back and fight for a world title right away. I don't think so. No. What was embarrassing? Just embarrassing him against Mark Hunt. They knew he was on the juice. He went in there loaded to the gills. It was just an ambassador. It was an embarrassing thing for everybody. And Mark Hunt, that every [ __ ] right to be mad. They put him in there with a guy that's coming off rocket [ __ ] fuel. That dude does just only d-ball. Look at the size of his [ __ ] head. He's taking [ __ ] that makes your [ __ ] head grow. Okay? That's what he gets. The [ __ ] pit bulls. I bumped into him in '94. I kidnapped him in '87. I bumped into him in '94 and I bought Coke from him. He was all [ __ ] up at, uh, on Pearl Street down in Boulder. And then he never remembered. I think he blacked out. That's how bad a shape he was. And I asked him the last. Not this time, though. The time before. I asked him, "Do you remember me buying blow from you?" He goes, "I remember seeing it. I remember hating you the next day. I couldn't believe I didn't knock you the [ __ ] out." Because I caught him off guard. He was at a bar, all [ __ ] up. Oh my God. I saw me some blood. He's like, "Ah, look who's here. The guy who kidnapped me. The guy who kidnapped me." But I called him blow after him. After he kidnapped him. And before you apologize for kidnapping six years later. Yeah. I saw him at, I saw him at a bar on Pearl Street. Did you even say, "I'm sorry I kidnapped you?" Not that night. I just gave him a hug and asked him if he knew where I'd get some blow. And [ __ ]. Not that nice. He gave me a hug. And I always thought about him. When I apologized, I felt really bad. And I talked to him. Danny. And he started telling me, he's 50. He lives with his mother. He had a heart attack. You know, I could tell when I talked to him on his pictures on Facebook that he had a stroke. You know, I was walking the block, bro. Sometimes when he calls me, like it's how he's drinking. You know? And sometimes I feel real guilty that I do this. But then, you know, I'm the type of guy. I don't play that [ __ ]. You know, I don't play that [ __ ] at all. He was [ __ ] up when I kidnapped him. I mean, a couple weeks before. You know how we got. How this whole thing started was because he got a DUI. [ __ ] up some cars. Went to bowl the hospital on North Hospital, Boulder General. And while he was in there, you know, Boulder, he was hurt. They left him in the room by himself. And he stole a bottle of liquid cocaine. He jumped out the window. Okay? And they caught him an hour later on the other side of the boat. When you used to bottle liquor cocaine from the hospital, you already got problems. Oh my God. Kidnapping them. You know, we laugh and we giggle. Me kidnapping them. It makes me feel like maybe I contributed to that. But I didn't. He had his own doom. So Friday, I went to the store. And I swear to God, guys, I didn't eat nothing like that. I'd smoke some pot. I worked out. I went to the Y. I had the chest and the other thing. I smoked dope before I left the house. There was a little brownie. A 70 milligram brownie. I had like maybe 13 carbs left for the day. I was [ __ ] starving. This little brownie is right there. It was a half a pack of an anarchy edible. They give you two brownies each. Each at each brownie is 70 milligrams. That's so crazy. That's scary. I rubbed my balls to 70 milligrams. You understand me? 70 milligrams for Uncle Joey is like, but that's like a parrot teeth. It's not even a [ __ ] supply into the rest of the world. 70 milligrams will put you into a [ __ ] hole. You know, I gave at least 500 last night. A thousand milligrams. Did you hear that Russell chain song? Down in a hole. Oh my god. Listen to me, Doug. We split it at three o'clock in the afternoon. Oh my god. What are you trying to prove? Like seven o'clock, I was so [ __ ] up. By eight o'clock. And you know, usually when you eat, you tame the animal. Yeah. [ __ ]. No, this turned on me. This beat me into submission. At one point, I had the cheese doodles that belongs to the baby. Pirate's Booty. Yeah. They were on the floor. They were just coming out of my face. I was just, I was just stuffing Pirate's Booty in my face. And a pair. There was a bunch of fruit and Pirate's Booty. I couldn't stop. I kept eating peaches and Pirate's Booty. There's a Pirate's Booty, cantaloupe and Pirate's Booty. I must ate the whole baby. My wife was like, because I had my back turned to them so they couldn't see me. [Music] Oh my God. I was [ __ ] up. And I kept calling Lee and saying, "Lee, if the cops call, don't answer the phone." He goes, "Why are the cops on the corner?" But one of the worst things that ever happened to me was when I drowned at the YMCA that time. Yeah. Oh my God. As a fat guy, that was never more embarrassed in my [ __ ] life, man. I've done some [ __ ] up [ __ ] as a fat guy. And I don't, you know, you get embarrassed about being fat. You can't fat shame me. But the time I almost drowned at the Wiley. [ __ ] me up. I didn't say nothing for like two months. I didn't say nothing. I just snorted coke and tried to hide it. And [ __ ]. That was embarrassing though. I was just starting to lose weight. Things were going great for me. I lost like eight pounds. I was still snorting blow. I was doing big blow. And I [ __ ] got up one morning and Terry went to work. And I overslept. And I said, "[ __ ]." And I gotta swim. And I went over to the Y. The Y is packed. I used to go to the fat man pool. It's this little Russian pool. Right? It was like four feet. But it was 96 degrees. So it's like a therapeutic pool. And I would walk around. And then if there was nobody in that, I would do laps. And then you could, it's short laps. And nobody would see you. If you go to the big pool, Lee, as kids and people see you. In this lifeguard. I was still too embarrassed. I'm not going to be a fat guy who wears a t-shirt in the pool. No, but I am. I'm a hot mess. You don't want to see me. I said, "[ __ ]. Keep all this [ __ ]. I'm gonna [ __ ]. I'm gonna go in there without a t-shirt." Lee, I was 400 pounds. There was fat everywhere. In the week. And I'd sit in the sauna. And I'd make blue like I was losing weight in the sun. Then I go on the steam bath. Then I jump in the pool. And I do this every morning at 5 AM. I did this to start off. But I was still snorting blow. So in my mind, if I ate sushi and I went to the steam room, I would sweat the cocaine out. I wasn't a fiend no more. So now it's two in the afternoon. Late. I go across the street to the Y. I'm still a little hungover on the blow. And the [ __ ] steam pool is packed. Where with kids jumping up and down. And I'm like, "I can't do my [ __ ] laps." But the adult pool, the lap pool was wide open. Oh [ __ ]. I go, "[ __ ] this. I swim." When I lived in Boulder, I've been swimming for three weeks. I'm ready for the big [ __ ] pool. Why am I strong with these [ __ ] fat [ __ ] for? I wonder what I put my name on the blackboard, guys. I put my goggles in. And on the deep end, I jump. Just the cold water hitting me, bro. It just shocked my body. Just shot my fat little body. And then I'm trying to swim. I'm swimming. I'm putting everything I can. I'm turning my head. I'm a member of my form. And I look awfully. And I haven't even moved like five feet. I'm [ __ ] sideways. But by this time, I'm out of air. Like I was smoking two or three packs of cigarettes a day. I'm dying. I'm 10 feet out. But I can't swim back. And my feet can't take it. So I'm just holding on to the rope. And people are swimming by me. They're going, "Come on, let go of the road. Come on, swim." And I'm like, "Guys, I'm dying." I'm trying to get the, the shortest distance was this way. If I swam vertically to the [ __ ] wall, I'd never make it. So I had to swim this way. So I pulled myself like Spider-Man. [Laughter] And I get to the wall. And I'm huffing and puffing, guys. I mean, God, guys, I was [ __ ] up. Seriously. That's when I realized this has to end. And I'm holding on to this. And I can't kick no more. And I'm out of oxygen. And I'm holding on. And I got my [ __ ] chin on the thing, just holding me. And some kids are like, "Mr. Mister, are you okay?" And I'm like, "No, I'm not okay. Help me." "No, come on, pull them out." And all these little kids get these little Mexican kids. And they're trying to pull me out. And they can't pull me out. They're like, "One, two, three, pull." And they're pulling. I'm like, and I'm turning purpley. I'm not breathing. I don't even know about breathing through my nose. I'm starting to panic. People are starting to circle and look around. And these little kids can't pull me on. They're like, "[ __ ] it. Ring the buzzer." And they ring this buzzer. And it's going on. And once in this chick that's on the thing. And she turns this thing around. And they're actually gonna make me. Listen to this. They couldn't get me out. So they were gonna [ __ ] drop a hoist into the pool. And they wanted me to swim into it. And then they were gonna pull me out like a [ __ ] whale. Like Orca. And by this time, there's 50 people watching me. Do you have any ideally how embarrassing that is? I got texted by my stomach. Lee, I'm purple. And they're like, "Swim to the middle. Get to the middle. Get to the middle and go in. And we'll drop the hoist. And the hoist will pull you out. And then we'll bring it to the side." Lee, by that point, I'm so [ __ ] embarrassed. And now out of the corner of my eye, I see ambulance tech workers running in with a [ __ ] mattress. Like I got shot in Vietnam. Something made me put my fat little foot over. I just went, "Oh." And my fat foot got overdrug. Oh my God. That thigh must have weighed a thousand pounds. And I [ __ ] pulled myself up. And I rolled on like Orca. I just rolled onto the pool. I got up. And I got up right in time. As I went through the [ __ ] door, the three ambulance workers were running. And they're like, "Where is he?" Like, "That's him." And I just walked right past him, dog. Because rule number one, don't stop and don't sign nothing. You don't need to get checked out. Mind your business. You're fine. You know, as long as you get to your car.

[Music] Space shuttle. We got, we got down. Joe Diaz. We went deep. We just kept smoking. Smokers didn't do [ __ ] to me. What got to break out the. Yeah, we. When I come up here, dog. What are you talking about? Right? That we, we just smoked. Don't do [ __ ] to me. If you make me cry 40 minutes up. You got to get me stoned, bro. That's Susquehanna weed. I've been telling you about that [ __ ]. Yeah, you brought that [ __ ] to the Ice House too. That [ __ ] don't do nothing to you. You're so crazy. You need to go to a doctor. What the [ __ ] dog? Yeah, some good weed, dog. Enough is enough with this [ __ ]. You can buy. We know it's not. Look at my [ __ ] eyes. Do I look high to you, guy? Yeah, cause I smoke on the way. Because I know you're gonna give me that Susquehanna [ __ ] weed. Joey, you better start getting some good [ __ ]. We gave him that hand in Montana week. Yeah, that's the second time in a [ __ ] row. Yo, dude, you just. I love your brain wreck. That's it was garbage. They sold you. Yeah, you're broken now. You got stung. How the [ __ ] are you smoking? Look at me. What broken? You're [ __ ] broke. Can you hit me with this? What are you talking about? Let's do this, bro. We're here. [ __ ] Brian. How high are you right now, bro? He gets high on a [ __ ] toenails. [ __ ]. Look at him. If he was high as [ __ ], dollar an ambulance, please. Relax. The biggest thing was that it was a tightly rolled joint, right? Huge power hits where he's just feeling in. As long as you are. You like big? I couldn't get a hit off it. It was too [ __ ] tight. Listen, my favorite game that I ever bet in my life. You were a kid. But one of the biggest games I ever bet in high school. I put everything I had. I borrowed money. I bet money I didn't have. Dallas Cowboys played the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC and division finals. The 49ers were 16 and one. I know that there's a lot of people that are football people out there. And you're like, "Joey, you're wrong." Maybe they were. They lost one game. Who did San Francisco lose to? When, when snowy Jerry was thrown? Every year, New Orleans would always beat the [ __ ] out of them at home or away. When San Francisco is on the top of that game, they could not beat the New Orleans Saints. The New Orleans Saints beat them. They go into the NFC playoff with the Cowboys. Guess what? I'm at a [ __ ] bar doing blow. I'm 18 years old. And so I, it dawned on me at this bar. I go, "Wait a second. What you mean to tell me is that the Dallas Cowboys are going into Candlestick and they're going to try to tell snowy Joey and those [ __ ] savages a story?" That's when they had Dwight the Nickels. That's when they had that nickel [ __ ] defense with Ron Lott, whose finger was broken. And they asked him, "Set it off." Yeah. You're dealing with people who would cut off their [ __ ] pinkies. Are you Japanese? I'm Korean. Okay. Japanese people, they cut their [ __ ] pinkies off. Yeah. Like when they [ __ ] up. You like, you [ __ ] up. You dishonor. Dishonor. They cut that pinky off. A brother cut his pinky off during a [ __ ] game. And you're gonna look me in the face and tell me that the Dallas Cowboys are gonna go into their field and beat them by one? And I remember there was a kid who hated me. He's dead now. Anthony Kruger. He died. Yeah. Accused me of robbing this house. And they ball from his house. I never robbed them. [ __ ] him. [ __ ] him. I don't give a [ __ ]. Dad, bro, he's dead. [ __ ] them. Let them roast in hell for selling blow. So he [ __ ]. He was a big Cowboy fan. And he kept trying like he was tough kid. And he kept going, "What if the Cowboys win? Can I beat the [ __ ] out of you?" And this kid was, it's like Brendan saying this to me. And I want to beat you up. Oh, he hated me. But he couldn't touch me because I had juice behind me in those days. Yeah. He couldn't just come and throw a beating on me because he had 16 [ __ ] behind. So I said to him, "Let me ask this." This is how [ __ ] up I was. Like, "Let me ask you this. What if San Francisco beats him? Can I come to your house and punch you in the [ __ ] face?" That's how ballsy I was that night. Because right there, it dawned on me that San Francisco was going to beat the Cowboys at home. Then we're not going to go in and cover one. And what happened that game? That's the most famous catching. Yeah. Dwight Clark reached out. And I had the open. And I had the overhead. Son, what's up, son? So then you go punch that dude in the face? Oh, no. I didn't see him after that. Yeah. You have no idea what I've gone through. From the fist fights to the arguments to the beatons. I still remember my mother taking me into a restaurant bathroom and holding me in a, what's that? My name headlock. Guillotine. And she's punching you. She shot you up. Yeah. Penicillin. Oh my God. Because I might, when I was a kid, I was so sick. She got you in a headlock and shot you up. Listen to me. Where the needle go? Listen to me. Cubans. We had a, had a Cuban doctor. A doctor Orlando Del Valle. He made house calls. Okay? He came over. He would come into the room. And this is very funny because I'm gonna tell you how [ __ ] hysterical. Hereditary [ __ ] is crazy. Your kids get what you got. Now he would come over. Now Dr. Del Valle did a bump from time to time. Now this is a great job. I'm talking about. I'm talking about 1968, '69. Please. This goes on. And when he come over, I lived on 205 West 88th Street. He bring the little thing. And him and my mom would talk. And my stepdad. And then somebody else would be there. Like a chick that would help my mom. And sure enough, he would come over, put the thermometer in my ass. And then look at me and say, "Jose Antonio, we have to give you a needle." And I go, "Give me five minutes. Let me think about it." And he, and my mom would go, "What's going on? He has to think about it." I swear to God, you don't take that needle, I'll [ __ ] kill you. So then they would go on the [ __ ] parlor to put on Cuban music. And I would like put cartoons on. Like it was never, ever, ever. And then, then he would have like two drinks. How old are you during this time? Five, six. He would have two drinks. And he'd come back. And he goes, "Antonio, are you ready yet?" And I'm like, "I'm not ready." So for years, they call me.