Transcription
Your memories are not facts. They're more like negotiations. And gaslighting is the art of winning those negotiations. Stick around because today we're unpacking the science of how emotional manipulation retrains your brain to doubt what you felt, what you saw, and even what you know.
My name is Christina and I've worked with so many people trying to piece their life back together after emotional abuse. And I've seen how manipulation doesn't just hurt your feelings. It rewires the way you see yourself. So now to understand all this, let me tell you about Anna.
When she was 18, Anna was dating this really cool older guy Chad. He was the kind of guy everyone wanted to be around. And secretly, Anna always wondered what he saw in her. In the beginning everything was amazing. He made her feel like she was the most important person in his life. And she, as a result, was on the top of the world.
But after a few months, his behavior changed. It was gradual at first, but she began to feel like as he got to know her more, he seemed to like her less. He'd even make comments about how plain she was and how lucky she was to be with him. Those comments hurt, but they also hit a nerve because deep down Anna believed the same things.
But when they'd make up, Anna would demand an apology. Because if he could just say he was sorry, she could believe that he never meant those things in the first place. And she could also convince herself that those things weren't true. But she'd never get that apology. Instead, Chad would say things like, "You're just too sensitive. You're overreacting." Or, "I never actually said that." And a famous line, "You always take what I say out of context."
And it's important to note that Anna had a good head on her shoulders. So she didn't doubt herself right away. She absolutely believed that he was a selfish, arrogant jerk. Make no mistake about it. But she also believed the things that he said about her when he was angry. And she fully believed deep in her soul that they were true. But believing that was a painful place to be.
Those beliefs, the belief that Chad was an arrogant jerk, and also the belief that he was too good for her, seemed to conflict each other. And it was hard to hold both at the same time. So because those things were conflicting, she shifted what she believed to something that was more aligned with what she wanted to be true. And sadly, that was also exactly what Chad wanted her to believe.
So Anna eventually bought into the idea that she was just overreacting and she was taking things out of context. It's easier to believe that she was the problem because then she could fix things without having to leave Chad. So they dated for about 4 years. And in that time, Anna's self-image spiraled. She felt like a shell of her former self. But again, she blamed herself. She thought, "That's just what happens when you grow up."
And we're going to circle back to Anna's story, but for now, we really need to understand what's going on behind the scenes as we explore the science of gaslighting in the brain. So we often think of manipulation tactics like gaslighting as psychological cruelty. But this one is more like neurological sabotage.
But to understand what's going on here, we need a deeper understanding of memory. So we often think of memory like a hard drive. So every time we learn or experience something, it gets stored on the drive so we can access it later. But in reality, memory is more like a Google Doc. Every time you open a memory, you have the ability to edit it. This process is called memory reconsolidation. And what's happening behind the scenes is every time you recall a memory, it has the ability to become flexible for a short time before it saves onto that hard drive again. Especially if something about that memory feels emotionally charged or contradictory.
Now, this doesn't mean that memories change every time you access them. They absolutely don't, but they can. And herein lies the danger of gaslighting. Because when you're in the active state of recalling a memory and someone challenges it, things start getting messy. Because here's the wild part. Your brain doesn't fight back with facts. It starts to negotiate. It looks for a version of the memory that feels safer and more consistent with your relationships or your need to belong.
And gaslighters know this, whether consciously or not. Actually, I'd argue that most don't know it consciously, but they know from experience that they can get you to doubt yourself in this exact way. So they don't just argue with your memories. They wait for the exact moment you're accessing them, mid-conflict, mid-doubt, or mid-flashback. And then they say something like, "That's not what happened. You're imagining things." Or, "You always overreact."
And so this is how Anna's memory began shifting from what she experienced to what she actually wanted to be true. And now that her memory was edited, the story changed just enough to make Chad's version seem more real than her own. And here's the thing, this is more than just a theory. Research shows that memory reconsolidation is a real, documented brain process. Researchers like Karim Nader and Joseph LeDoux uncovered this process in neuroscience and psychotherapists like Bruce Ecker have since applied it to emotional healing. And researchers have even been able to alter conditioned fear responses in rats just by timing the memory recall with new information. And while humans are more complex, the principle holds. Our memories aren't permanent. They're alive.
So now let's go back to Anna. She knew she had memories that felt sharp and painful and a gut that told her she wasn't crazy. But over time, she stopped trusting herself. And she began to believe his version of reality over her own. So why on earth would she do such a thing? Are we to believe that gaslighting is so powerful that anyone can rewrite our memories at any time? And thankfully, no.
But here is where cognitive dissonance comes in. And it's powerful. Cognitive dissonance is what happens when we hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time. Beliefs like, "Chad loves me and wants what's best for me." And "Chad intentionally lies to me and makes me feel bad about myself." Both of these things can't be true. And that tension you feel when you're holding these conflicting beliefs is deeply uncomfortable because the brain doesn't like tension. It likes resolution.
So when we're faced with a dissonance like this, we unconsciously search for a belief that helps resolve the conflict. And the conflict I'm talking about here is the inner conflict, not so much the outer conflict. And for Anna in this example, her conflict resolution sounded like, "Maybe I am just too sensitive. Maybe I did just misunderstand." And you know what? Maybe it wasn't really all that bad. And in other words, it wasn't him. It was me.
Because believing that allowed her to preserve the relationship. And even more importantly, it allowed her to preserve her hope. She was able to hold onto hope that she could fix it. Hope that she wasn't being hurt on purpose. And hope that love was still possible as long as she just worked on herself. And so she subconsciously participated in rewriting that memory. Because part of her wanted to believe his version of events. Not because she was weak, but because the new version just felt safer to hold. And it resolved the conflict.
Because now her beliefs were, "Chad loves me and wants what's best for me. And sometimes I am too sensitive and I overreact to his jokes." You see, there are no longer two conflicting beliefs. So she's able to hold them without the inner conflict. And even though all this feels very much like self-sabotage, it's actually good news.
Because what's happening here isn't about what the other person says. It's more like a negotiation over what we believe to be true and what we want to be true. So it's very much an inner process. It's not that you're negotiating with the other person to hold onto your belief or your version of reality. You're actually negotiating with yourself, which means that you have a lot more control than you may have realized.
So after hearing about gaslighting and memory reconsolidation, you might worry that anyone can get you to change your memory at any time just by getting you to recall that memory and getting you to doubt yourself. But thankfully, that is not the case. Like I said, we do still have control, but it does get messy when cognitive dissonance is at play. Because then, we're more likely to give over control and become a willing participant in adjusting that memory. And that's exactly what gaslighters are counting on.
So, now we've talked about how and why we participate in rewriting the story. But if you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you might realize that that's not the full picture. Because sometimes we do a little more than just participate. And this is also the part that no one tells you. But I know this from my personal experience that sometimes this rewriting of history doesn't happen as a result of external gaslighting. Sometimes, we're out here gaslighting ourselves.
We want to hold on to hope so badly that we make up reasons why someone would behave the way they did. And then, we recall that memory, we bring it back up to look for proof that this softer, kinder explanation that we just basically pulled out of thin air could possibly be true. And every time we do that, we're negotiating with our own memory. And we're not necessarily changing the events of what happened. We're changing the emotional charge behind them. So now, something that was so cruel and hurt so deeply doesn't hurt as much because we've created a backstory that made it feel more okay.
And this again is how we deal with cognitive dissonance. Because when the brain is uncomfortable with the conflict we're facing, we know we need to make a choice. Really, the choice is to stay or to leave. And since it feels more painful to leave, we sometimes bend our own reality in order to make staying feel okay.
But here's where that gets really interesting. And this is the part I absolutely love. If we can unconsciously change the emotional charge of a memory to make the pain feel more tolerable, what if we can also do it consciously and on our own terms? Because memory reconsolidation isn't good or bad. It's just a tool your brain uses to protect you. So, the question becomes, how do I use that same process, but to actually release my own pain instead of justifying someone else's bad behavior? And that's the magic.
We can access that window of reconsolidation deliberately. And we can do it safely with self-compassion. Because memory reconsolidation is a two-way street. Just like the brain can absorb new emotional meaning during conflict, it can also absorb new meaning during safety. And that right there is the key.
Research shows that when you recall a memory, especially a painful one, and do so in a regulated, safe emotional state, your brain opens a short window where that memory becomes flexible. This is often called the window of reconsolidation. And that memory doesn't get erased or completely rewritten, but it does become updatable. Scientists like Bruce Ecker and Joseph LeDoux have found that during this window, which is roughly 5 minutes after the memory is activated, if the emotional context changes, the brain can actually detach the original emotional charge before it saves that memory again.
Which means you don't have to forget what happened. And actually, you'd have a lot of trouble even trying to forget what happened because that's like trying to override your brain's safety switch. And I'm not even sure that's possible. I think forgetting entirely is a goal that is probably unattainable. But I think that's a good thing because even painful experiences, if we can remember them without the pain, we can carry forward the lesson without carrying forward the pain. So, you can keep the memory, but you don't have to feel trapped inside it anymore.
And this is also a process that I guide people through in coaching. So, clients access the memories that hold the most emotional weight, and I use specific cues to help you adjust the significance of the memory in a way that feels good to you. And you remain in control over all of it. In fact, you don't even necessarily have to share the memory with me in order for this process to work. And I've been working with this process for about 3 years now, and it is highly effective. But depending on the memory, it can take a few sessions before it actually starts to feel resolved. But when it does get to that point where it feels resolved, it kind of becomes more like just a thing that happened and not a thing that defines you.
And if you're interested in this process and you'd like to try something similar out at home, here's a simple exercise you can do right now if you'd like. So first, pick a memory that still stings. If there's something that feels especially traumatic, I'd suggest avoiding that one for now. For right now, you're looking for something that really bothers you, but it's definitely not your most traumatic memory. Now, just give yourself a moment to lightly just feel the feelings that come up when you think about it. And pay attention to what's going on in your body right now.
So, let's say for example, your heart is racing because that's a common side effect of these kinds of thoughts. So now, with the thought in your mind, consciously try to shift your state. Since your heart is racing in this example, you're going to want to slow it down and bring the body more to a peaceful state. And you can attempt to do this with a deep breathing exercise. So, once you feel a little bit more calm, ask yourself, "What is the objective truth of this memory?" And if that's difficult, ask yourself this, "If someone I loved went through this, what would I want them to know?" This reframes the experience with compassion and context. Two things your brain didn't have when the memory first formed. And if you do this gently and consistently, your brain can begin updating those memories with the truths that you were never allowed to believe in the moment.
Now, there's one more thing I want to drive home that is incredibly important. Because we can't really talk about memory reconsolidation without at least mentioning rumination. Rumination is when we repeatedly question past events, thoughts, or potential outcomes. And it's a natural state of being after emotional abuse because it's one way the brain attempts to keep you safe. But unfortunately, the attempts are a bit misguided.
Because now that you understand how memory reconsolidation works, you're probably starting to see the real danger in ruminating. Because every time we revisit a memory in a heightened emotional state without safety or resolution, we're unknowingly reinforcing the very pain we're trying to escape. But when you learn how to enter that reconsolidation window with intention and regulation, that same memory can start to feel completely different.
And if this resonated with you and you'd like support on doing this safely, that's exactly what I help people with in coaching. So, click here to find out more details and to schedule a session. And if you're stuck in that cycle of looping thoughts and can't seem to let go, click here to watch this video that walks you through how to stop ruminating once and for all. And before you go, be sure to like this video if you haven't already, and I'll see you next time.