Transcription
Look at this man's face. Look at his expression. There's pain. There's disbelief. But there's also resignation. His defense of himself was pretty half-hearted. And you can tell that this is a man who has been broken. He feels powerless.
And let's be absolutely clear, this is not her being playful or fun. This is her asserting her power and dominance. She's sending a clear message: I am the woman. You are the man. Your peace and your happiness are at my discretion, and I can choose to take them away. Where is his outrage? Where is his righteous anger?
Like many men, he does not escalate emotionally because he's probably learned through painful experience that, as a man, he is never going to win in a battle of emotions. You see, women don't just feel emotions; they use them to control the narrative. Her feelings are a weapon that she can use to imprison you. You start speaking facts, and then she has an emotional reaction, claiming that you're being mean. You respond to that accusation with logic and rationality, and she just gets even more emotional. You try desperately to appeal to her sense of fairness and justice, talking about the details, the specifics of the situation, and in response, she just becomes completely hysterical.
You're not going to beat a woman in a battle of emotions. And at this point, men just typically feel completely overwhelmed. They give up. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to push any further. Her emotions have put him in jail. They have flooded the landscape. And now he has no solid ground to stand on.
It starts from a young age. Little girls learn that tears can get results. So they cry and they exaggerate their emotions because they know that their father is just going to give in and give them whatever they want. It shouldn't surprise anybody that this pattern repeats itself with wives to their husbands.
Does she feel shame? Does she feel guilt about her outbursts? Her lack of control? No. She feels pride. After all, she's clever. She succeeded. Women thrive on emotional battles. And she has no incentive to calm herself down because every emotional explosion actually gives her more leverage. The more she cries, the worse you must be. Yes, she's hysterical and throwing a tantrum, but that's not the way that she experiences it. She doesn't think, "Ooh, I lost control." She thinks, "I won the argument." She escaped accountability. She's not ashamed of that. She was rewarded. She has no incentive to lessen her emotions.
You've got men asking, "Why can't she get over it?" You don't understand women. She's not trying to let go of her pain; she's collecting it. All the victimhood, all the grievances, all the emotions—these are the source of her power. She can pull them out like an exhibit in a trial anytime she wants to strengthen her case. "Your honor, I know you've heard from the prosecution a lot of facts, a lot of evidence, but in my rebuttal, may I present grief, anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness, an overall feeling of victimhood." This is what she rests her case on. Because for women, this is how they experience the world, through their emotions.
Men will get mad when a woman brings up something that they did in the past, and they'll say, "Oh, I thought we were past this already," even if it just happened the night before. One of the many reasons that a woman wouldn't already be over it is that, according to science, women recall emotional events better than men. We experience the emotion of that memory the same way that we did when it first happened. Men are not wired to do that. So, the man recalls the event, but not the emotional experience of it. So when you bring it up, they think you're doing it just as a punishment to them. They don't understand that you're actually still experiencing that feeling.
Men don't understand this because, as you can see from this chart, men's emotions are linear, whereas women's emotions are circular. I'm going to explain this in detail in a moment. But first, let's talk about something else that is sadly linear: aging. You can't stop the passage of time, but you can fight back against the years showing on your face. You do this by taking care of your skin. That's where the sponsor of today's video comes in, Tee Hanley, a skincare company created specifically for men. Their systems are designed around routines because they know that men want simplicity and ease. All it takes is a couple of minutes in the morning and before bed to improve your skin. I recommend starting with their level one system, which comes with all the essentials: a daily face wash, an exfoliating scrub, an A.M. moisturizer with SPF 20, and a P.M. moisturizer. Just follow the instructions that come in the box; that'll tell you when to apply, how much, and in what order. These guys stand behind their product. That's why they offer their handsome guarantee. It says that you will love it or you will get a full refund, no questions asked. There's a reason these guys have over 16,000 five-star reviews.
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Okay, back to this diagram. Men have a linear experience of emotions, but for women, it is circular. This is why an argument with an emotional woman is never really over because she gets caught in these emotional loops. If a man experiences strong emotions, he tends to trust that with time, they're going to fade. But that's not how it works with women. With time, a woman's emotions can get stronger. They sit within her psyche, fermenting, often becoming toxic. Her emotions spiral around her, and with every orbit, they distort and grow larger. As a man, it might be a legitimate strategy to let sleeping dogs lie. Yes, I was emotional, but the situation is resolved now. I don't think about it anymore. And in time, I realized that the emotion was silly anyway. It's not worth giving it any more time or attention. That's approaching it from a man's perspective. It's not going to work for women. Ignoring her emotions is not an option. They must be honored and explored.
This is why so many arguments between men and women feel pointless because it's like they're speaking two different languages. For you as a man, the specific details of the situation are what's at the forefront of your attention. For her, it's how the situation made her feel. That's what is important. That's why women can have the same argument over and over and over. It never gets resolved because she's still upset; the emotions are still alive inside her. If she's angry about something that you did, but then you point out that it was actually her fault, that's not going to resolve the situation. The argument continues. She then pivots and says, "Well, 3 months ago you did this, and 2 years ago this happened." Reference to facts and evidence is not going to resolve the argument because it's not about justice; it's about emotion. You say, "What is this? I thought we were past that." And that makes sense to you because, as a man, you're working through a linear model. So, that stuff is behind you. But it doesn't work that way in a circular model of emotions. They always come back around.
But for many reasons, this is very dangerous. This study shows that while emotional memories are often vivid, they are not reliably accurate. In this study, they found that memories that are recovered through emotional processing are more likely to be distorted or just outright false. And in this study, researchers found that emotional experiences retroactively alter memories. They do this by reorganizing them and making connections that should not exist. If you've ever wondered how your wife or girlfriend is able to sincerely believe things about the past that categorically did not happen, it's because she is using emotion to fill in the gaps. The center of her universe is emotion; facts and details, they just get absorbed into her orbit, helpless to the gravitational pull of how she feels. This is how women's stories change over time, how her version of reality gets cemented.
This is one of the reasons why I caution men against casual hookups. Yes, she can consent in the moment, but what if you don't answer her phone calls afterwards? And when you stop responding to her, she suddenly regrets that initial sexual encounter. Then she takes that feeling of regret that she's experiencing right now and she imagines that she was feeling that regret at the time. Now suddenly she remembers that she didn't want to do it at all, and pretty soon she's saying that you forced her. What are you going to do then? You're not arguing with facts; you're arguing against emotions. How could you possibly win that? And the more that you dispute the legitimacy of the origins of her emotions, the more you seem like a jerk who just doesn't care about her feelings.
As a consequence, a lot of men just withdraw. They just stop engaging. They feel like nothing can ever be resolved. What's the point in even having an argument? They're just going to have the same fight in a week's time when her emotion circles back again. So, they just give up and agree with her, surrender to the hopelessness. It's a bad idea because it seeds control of the narrative over to her. Appeasement in the moment might grant some peace, but that silence is not safe. The man thinks, "This is great. She hasn't brought it up again. I guess we've moved on." No, that's not what's happening. This woman is using the time and the space to build an even stronger case against you. She is simmering. The silence is not waiting out the storm; it's just giving her time to refuel.
As always, the safest course of action is to just avoid women who do this. Instead, date and commit to women who can control their emotions. If you're dating a woman and you notice that she responds to rationality and she aspires to think logically, she values justice and truth more than emotion and does not bring up exhibits of past pain to punish you, then congratulations, man. You found one of the good ones. Just don't mess it up. Prevention is always the best cure. But realistically, even the highest-quality woman is probably going to have her moments. Just like you, you're going to mess up sometimes. None of us are perfect.
So if you're having an argument with a woman, the best advice that I can give to make sure that you don't have to repeat that argument in the future is to resolve it right then and there. Time is not your friend. The more time you give her, the more time she has for her emotions to ferment and twist what happened. The best chance that you have to actually resolve the disagreement based on facts is to handle it straight away. Her memory of the actual events is going to distort over time. Eventually, all she will remember is her feelings. So, take charge. Be masculine. Be a leader. Talk through in detail what happened that led to the disagreement. Make sure everything is clear and everybody is on the same page. That's the first half. The other half is to attend to her emotions. Make sure that they are heard, that they are felt, and ultimately resolved. Let's say the argument takes an hour. That's how long it takes to establish the true facts of the situation—what actually occurred. Okay. But you need to allocate an additional half hour on top of that so that she can tell you all of the things that she felt so that you can affirm and validate those emotions and then ultimately put them to rest. Yes, this is going to benefit her. But I'm not saying this for her sake; I'm saying this for yours. This is short-term effort to avoid long-term pain. You have a slightly longer argument today so that you don't have the same argument 10 times in the future. I have another video that explains in thorough detail how to go through this process. I'll put a link to that down below. But for you guys who hate this second part of listening to her emotions and you want a secret shortcut, I do have a hack that's available to you. It's kind of lazy, but it is also pretty effective at putting her emotions to rest so that you don't have to deal with this. I'm going to spend the rest of the video explaining that tactic. And if you want to keep watching this video, it's available on Patreon; what I post here on YouTube are just the shortened, abridged versions of my videos.