على الطريق .. الثقة بالنفس

Peace be upon you and the mercy of God. How are you all? God willing, you are well. May God protect you. It has been two weeks since I posted a video, and honestly, I intended to post one and prepared a video, but God willed that the microphone got lost. Then, it was as if I reconsidered the video I was going to post due to work pressure and, well, other commitments. I said, let me share this thought. God willing, this thought will be good. I want to speak frankly about a topic that I believe many have discussed. If you search on YouTube or social media, you will find many who have spoken about it, and it is the topic of self-confidence. I have a personal perspective on this topic, which might be a good addition if you'd like to hear it. God willing, it will be good. So, what is self-confidence, and can we advise others to become more confident in themselves? Many times, we tell people during lectures, or you might hear it on podcasts or elsewhere, the phrase: "Be confident in yourself. Be confident in yourself. Don't be afraid of anyone." Is this advice useful, and on what basis does a person become confident in themselves? And how do I become a confident person? I want to become a confident person. How do I achieve this? I have an opinion on this matter. In my estimation, the topic of self-confidence is a synonym for a word that, in my estimation, is more descriptive: a high self-image. It means you possess a high image of yourself, and based on this image, you see yourself as having greater weight in your environment, capable of influencing your social environment and material surroundings to ward off harm, achieve benefit, or dominate this environment. Consequently, you feel a higher degree of stability and a lower degree of anxiety and apprehension about the changes around you. This, in my estimation, is the optimal description of the word "confidence." But how is this confidence achieved? What makes a person confident? What makes other people less confident in themselves? You see, there is something in the fundamental nature of a person that differs from one person to another. Of course, people have different predispositions. Some people are more prone to anxiety; it's their nature. They are called "neurotic." Their personality is an anxious nervous system; they are apprehensive about changes and prefer stable environments. It seems that such personalities have greater sensitivity to environmental and social changes. Consequently, they tend towards safety themselves, whether social or material safety, and so on. But this is only one factor, the biological-psychological factor. There are other factors besides personality, besides what is within you, which are the surrounding factors that affect you over time and create in you a high self-confidence, a high self-image, or a low self-image. I want to explain these four points, and then we will elaborate on how they affect a person. We find them in the following points: The first is the issue of repeated successes. The second point is the issue of social status and praise from others. The third point is what is called value discipline, if that's the right term, or commitment to principles. The fourth is innate disposition or beauty. These are the four points that affect a person's confidence or self-image. But before we move to this point, I want to talk about another point, which is the issue of circumstantial confidence. If the term is correct, when I talk about a person's self-image, I am talking about a permanent confidence in a person that is not tied to a specific circumstance or place. Rather, this person, in general, despite changes in circumstances and conditions, maintains this as a general trait. A person has a high self-image and is capable of enduring blows, shocks, adapting to them, and overcoming obstacles in life. Why? Because they have high self-confidence or a high self-image. I call this non-circumstantial confidence, as opposed to circumstantial confidence. What is circumstantial confidence? It is the confidence that arises from a person's mastery of a specific skill or environment that they have practiced and repeated to a great extent, making it very easy and their comfort zone, as they say. So they no longer think about themselves. You cannot infer from this action, when it is accomplished in this environment, that they are a confident person. I will give you an example. Imagine a surgeon, a skilled surgeon in a specific surgical procedure. They specialized in a particular field and became proficient in it. When a specific operation comes up that they are accustomed to, they might perform it daily. When this operation comes up, they might be daydreaming, humming, whistling, or chatting with someone else and perform the operation with utmost ease and complete mastery. When you see this surgeon, you are filled with the feeling that this person is confident. But does this necessarily mean that this person has a high self-image in other areas, in other environments? Similarly, consider a lecturer or a teacher when they are in a classroom and lecturing to students, and they are accustomed to lecturing to them. They have given hundreds of lectures, for example. This is their comfort zone; they are used to it. So, their mastery of these lessons and their mastery of presentation, does this mean they are a confident person or confident in this environment as well? When you deal with an architect or a programmer and give them a task, even if it's difficult, if they are accustomed to it, they will appear confident. The reason is that they have mastered this skill. So, in this field, they are proficient, and therefore, they are confident. [Clears throat] It's as if you've entered their world. You might be filled with the feeling that this person is confident in all areas of life. But this is not necessarily the case. This confidence in this field might not be reflected in other areas. But it's not necessarily so. For some people, no, it's possible that they are not confident in a specific area like this, but in general, their default is confidence and commitment. And this is what I call a high self-image, and this is what results from the four things. Let's elaborate on these four points. I am on a journey, and there is a checkpoint ahead. Okay. So, the first point is repeated successes. Repeated successes over time act like a balance, like a bank account, if you will, or like a battery charge. Every success you achieve fills this battery and this charge, and you build a balance from which you can draw later. Consequently, you have greater resilience. Whether a person realizes it or not, over time, every success they achieve [Laughs] builds a greater balance within themselves, allowing them to withstand future shocks. So, this is the first point. The second point is social status and praise from others. As a person achieves a higher social status or receives praise from others, this reinforces the feeling within them that they have real value. Because when you say about yourself, "I am distinguished, I am capable, I am successful," it doesn't mean anything you say about yourself. Your opinion of yourself might be positive or negative, unless it is supported by something external to you. There is nothing to prove this statement. So, if others reinforce this statement and tell you, "You are, God willing, distinguished, you are successful," and this is repeated by them, it reinforces this within you, and you start saying, "It's not just me saying this about myself; so-and-so says it, and so-and-so says it. Look, I got this certificate. Look, people praised me." So, this is another balance. Successes in the operations you perform or the tasks you undertake, the praise of others, and the social status you attain. The third point is value discipline or commitment to principles. The more you adhere to your principles, the more you overcome your desires, your urges, and these animalistic instincts within you to adhere to a principle and fulfill your commitments and keep your promises. The more your soul rises above these desires, the higher your self-image becomes. I am not just a beastly being following its instincts, but I carry a message that transcends my material existence. It's as if you transcend your material life to something beyond, and you achieve a degree of balance, or let's say resilience in general. A person committed to a principle, religious people, are more capable of enduring the shocks they face in the future. So, this is the third point: commitment to principles. The fourth point is beauty, the beauty of creation and appearance. This also has an effect, although it varies from person to person. You find it more, for example, in artistic environments, with actors, performers, and so on. You find that a person's appearance and beauty can affect their self-image because, by God, a person is influenced by their appearance. They think that if something is beautiful and its creation and appearance are complete, it necessarily indicates its essential perfection. In the Quran, it says: "And when you see them, their bodies impress you, or their forms. And if they speak, you listen to their speech. They are like hollow logs propped up." So, beauty also has an effect, although again, it varies from one environment to another, and from one person to another. So, these four points, in my estimation, all affect a person's self-image. Now, over time, a person, without even realizing it, measures themselves, observes their social status, sees their capabilities and the skills they have developed, accumulates successes, and also observes their surroundings. Are there threats? Are there changes? Consequently, they develop, even if unconsciously, a sense of weight and significance in this environment. The more they feel that they are a successful person who has achieved high successes, the more likely they are to continue achieving these successes. A person with high social status, whom people support and give them this praise and beautiful words, their self-image becomes higher. [Clears throat] And the more skills they acquire, the more the perception is reinforced that even if changes occur in the environment, even if circumstances change, I possess the skills and have a record of past successes that allow me to overcome these challenges. This makes their self-image high. It makes them feel significant in their environment and capable of molding this environment, whether it is a material or social environment. This is my definition of confidence, and it explains why children have less self-confidence. A child, in general, does not have a record of past successes. They don't know their environment; every environment they enter is new to them. So, they need to test themselves. Also, they don't know their place in their society, nor do they know society itself. You find them highly sensitive to failure, highly in need of praise, admiration, and inclusion. And they need to be pushed to try, you see? And every time they try and fail, you need to support them. And every time they succeed, you need to emphasize this point: that you are a successful person, you are strong, you are capable, and so on. This is what encourages them to take risks. And as they build an environment they know and dominate, their self becomes more comfortable. This is evident in their home, with their parents and siblings. They know their environment, its limits, their capabilities within it, their social standing among their family, so they are more at ease. And when you take them out of their environment and place them in a new one, they become more anxious, more apprehensive. "Can I really do it? Do I have enough of a record of competence, abilities, and past successes to enter this new environment, achieve success there, and dominate it?" You find them returning to their mother, going to school, returning to her, and throwing themselves into her arms. Why? Because it is still the familiar environment. This is a new environment for them; they don't know it. So, their mother needs to push them, to encourage them to interact with this environment. "Meet so-and-so. Maybe he's your friend. Maybe he's our neighbor. Maybe he's your cousin." And little by little, you sit with them, then you leave them alone for a bit, then you return, and so on, until they become familiar with this environment and realize there is no danger, that they are capable of forming relationships there, that they are loved there, and that if they do something, they can succeed, and if they fail, failure is a minor, acceptable thing, and they are capable of getting up after this failure. This builds confidence in taking risks. This is a protected environment for you to venture into. In my estimation, this picture of a child also applies to adults. We, in general, are expected, through these life stages, to build a record of successes, solid social relationships with supportive people, and skills that help us or enable us to undertake new experiences. A person who does not have a high record of past successes, whose social relationships do not support them or provide them with psychological backing, and who lacks a wealth of experience and skills, finds it difficult to undertake new experiences. You find them largely withdrawing into themselves and perhaps sticking to maintaining their previous environment. They don't want to leave. And the more they build these successes, the more prepared they become. Even if they leave, even if they leave their familiar environment, the natural tendency for people is not to venture out too much. Generally, people follow their peers and what their society is accustomed to. If they venture out, they do so a little and then return. Little by little, a person becomes accustomed to the new environment, starts learning something new there, and moves on to the next. The nature of people in general, since ancient times, is not to take big risks. The reason is that the risk of failure is greater than the benefit of success. Here, at a checkpoint. Okay. The negative impact and danger of failure are greater than the benefit of success. The reason is that failure is a zero-sum outcome. It's either I exist or I don't. It's like dying or living. There's no middle ground. So, if you fail without having a significant record, and your failure is severe, that failure can be your undoing. The nervous system is more sensitive to failure than to success. I want to convey this point clearly: a person's sensitivity to criticism and failure exceeds their sensitivity to success. Meaning, your enjoyment of success is much less than your pain, fear, and anxiety from failure. Therefore, the way people generally operate, and it's a logical way, is not to stray too far from their comfort zone. Instead, they try what others have tried, move a little, return, move a little, and return, and so on. Why? Because if you fail significantly, that failure can be your undoing. But successes, no matter how great a success you achieve, there is always a greater success possible. Similarly, criticism. [Clears throat] When someone praises you, you like that praise. And if another person praises you, you like it. But if someone criticizes you, you will find that its impact on you is greater, and it might linger in your mind for a long time, especially if that person holds a significant position in your eyes and you trust their opinion. Again, the reason is that a person's sensitivity to criticism and failure exceeds their sensitivity to success. In a study I read, I forgot the name of the person who conducted the study, maybe Hoffman or Goffman, I don't remember. But anyway, this person conducted a study on successful marriages. The conclusion of his experience, with thousands of successful marriages, was that successful marriages have a ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions of approximately five to one. Imagine, five to one. In other studies conducted on the work environment, successful environments and successful teams that achieve high accomplishments, it was found that positive feedback in these environments exceeds negative feedback by something close to five to one. Of course, it's not a permanent or absolute ratio, but it indicates a person's sensitivity. [Clears throat] To criticism, and that when criticism or negative feedback reaches a level comparable to positive feedback, the person is prone to collapse. They feel that they themselves are a failure, not that the work they did is a failure. No, they themselves are incapable of achieving anything worthy of success or praise. So, the criticism reaches their heart, and their self-image, and they shrink, losing the ability and motivation for work, resistance, and challenge. They lose this. Therefore, this is what I mean: even though you should have high self-confidence, you must realize that this heart of yours, or your inner personality, is weaker than you imagine. It's like a child inside you. You need to accumulate successes in your mind, challenge yourself, accumulate these successes, build relationships, and develop skills to affirm your value to yourself more than just deciding, "I will be a successful person or a confident person." It's not a matter of decision; it's a matter of capabilities, successes, and an environment that you have truly succeeded in molding and establishing your significance in. So, the day someone criticizes you, you can respond. Why? Because you have a reserve. The day someone criticizes you and tells you, "Do it this way, don't do that," if you have a reserve, you draw from it, and it doesn't reach the core of your heart to shake your self-confidence. But if you have no reserve, no successes, no weight or balance in this environment, any word can shake you. Any word can bring you down. One of the examples I admire for this is if you read about the strategies and methods used by some, for example, racists in America towards Black people, or Nazis in Europe towards, for instance, Slavs or Japanese towards Chinese when they dominated these environments or tried to subjugate or enslave these groups. The idea behind their treatment of these groups was to reach the core of their self-image, to convince this person that they are a failure, to convince these people, this society, that they are generally a failure, that they have achieved nothing in their history, that they are superior to this occupier, that you will not succeed unless you follow us. They accumulate their failures and portray them in a humiliating image, whether it was in dealing with Africans, for example, in America, with cartoons and images they drew of them as less than animals. They also ingrained in their own people that these are like insects, something less than an animal. Consequently, they embolden each other to harm them, making it easier to kill, harm, or torture them because they don't see them as human. And they instill in you that you are not human at all, that you are something less than human. So, even in detention camps, for example, they would herd them together, strip them naked in front of each other, make them use bathrooms exposed in front of each other, so they would get used to their image as less than human. They call it "dehumanization." They try to erase their memory of their historical achievements. They try to separate them from each other. All of this is an attempt not just to break this person militarily and defeat them. [Clears throat] No, I want to reach the core of your heart and make you feel that you cannot, that you have never succeeded, and that you are inferior to me in creation, and that you can only depend on me. Consequently, your ability to resist, your ability to challenge, your ability to compete, your ability to innovate, all of this disappears. You become completely satisfied with whatever this occupier gives you. This is the idea. And this is contrary to what you find in the Quran. In the Quran, [Clears throat] God Almighty says to people, to believers: "And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created, with preference." And He gives an image of humanity as vicegerents. "Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority." So, they are vicegerents of God Almighty. Then He belittles the disbelievers, saying: "They are not but like livestock. Rather, they are more astray." "Indeed, God defends those who have believed. Indeed, God does not like everyone treacherous and ungrateful." And He instills in them the concept of sanctity and that God Almighty is with them. So, He gives them a higher message and an image of themselves as vicegerents of God Almighty on earth, and that a messenger was sent among them who speaks to the angels. So, you can see how the Quran doesn't just give commands and prohibitions. No, it gives them an image that they are followers of previous prophets, a nation that succeeded and delivered its message, and that they are vicegerents of these prophets and these nations. And that there is a king who descends from heaven to speak with their prophet, whom they honor and revere, and that they are people of a mission. So, you feel that the Quran is trying to reach the hearts of those who make them feel that they have a high status and to change their fundamental self-image, that you are not just mere animals and beasts that eat, enjoy, and live on Earth, but you are people of a mission, you are vicegerents of God Almighty on Earth, and therefore, you possess a degree of sanctity that you must strive for. I don't know if the thought has become too long. I apologize, honestly. It has become quite long, with many thoughts. Honestly, it gets quite long, but I believe the idea has been conveyed that there are many factors that affect a person's self-confidence, and that the advice "Be confident" is, in my estimation, not very useful. Rather, what is more useful is to convince this person to strive and work hard in this life to accumulate successes, build good relationships, develop skills, and adhere to their principles and values so that their self-image becomes high, so that when they face shocks in life, they can resist them and feel that they are stronger than these shocks and that they are firm and unshaken. Peace be upon you and the mercy of God and His blessings.