Transcription
If you right now are trying to muscle through the feelings of a breakup, thinking that your avoidant or emotionally unavailable ex is doing fine, I'm here to tell you that's not the case. They are not as chill as they look.
Hi, Amy and welcome back to my channel. Welcome if you're new here. I'm a certified attachment style coach and I help anxious attachers break the cycle of emotionally unavailable and avoidant partners so you can really thrive in your independence and prevent future heartbreak. And in today's video, it's been inspired by quite a few calls that I've had this week that I'm here grieving and my ex is doing fine. And I'm here to break this belief that you have that you are that your ex is doing better than you.
Before I start, I do have a six-week self-study course available on my website. The link is in my bio. It is a complete blueprint of the exact steps I took to heal my anxious attachment style. So, you can go and check that out. But, let's get into the video.
So, I from my own experience—um, if you're new here, I had a seven-year on-and-off relationship with an with a dismissive avoidant partner. And I speak to so many people and coach so many people that really do think that their ex is doing fine, that their breakup hasn't affected them at all. And there's lots of painful stories that go along with this, like, "I never mattered to them, I'm unlovable, I would I'm not worthy of them. They didn't want me." And these patterns of thoughts are going to keep you stuck. And also, they're not actually true.
And in the past, I have coached quite a lot of dismissive avoidant people and I've also spoken to my ex when we've got back together. I have been where you are and it is really, really painful. But I'm hoping that this video will give you some sort of relief because dismissive avoidants actually don't deal with breakups very well at all.
Um, the cycle what they go through in a breakup is first of all, it's the relief, like, "Oh, I finally got my freedom back. I can do what I want now. This person's not here pestering me for contact, for communication, to speak to them. There's no conflict anymore. There's no pressure." So, they will have a sense of relief. And although that sounds really invalidating, all it really is is a it's a defense mechanism. So, they think at first that the breakup was the right idea. They will go and justify the breakup to themselves. And they might tell themselves that, you know, you guys just weren't compatible, that there was nothing that could be done. And then they'll go into numbing. And when I say numbing, it's things like gaming, smoking, overeating, drinking. All of these things, all of these coping mechanisms that they have come online so that they're not actually dealing with the feelings of the breakup, which is why on the surface they look absolutely fine. Maybe they've rebounded with somebody else. Maybe you've looked at their social media and they're all happy and you're not. And it can feel really, really horrible when you see that this person is seemingly not affected by something that was really significant to you. This person was significant, and you want to know that you were significant to them as well. So it's completely understandable that you feel how you feel.
But what I do want to do in this video is make it so that you're not personalizing it because a lot of avoidants will play from the same will read from the same playbook. It is a pattern that they have because they don't want to deal with the painful feelings. They don't want to deal with the grief. They don't want to deal with shame, with rejection, with failure. So, they will do their very best to numb this for a good few months. Guys, it actually dealing with the breakup isn't something that happens overnight. They will do whatever they can to not feel this. So this is why you find the anxious attacher finally doing their healing and finally coming through the other side of a breakup and then the avoidant reappears just as you're doing better. This is because they delay the grieving process. They delay feeling the endings of the relationship.
The second thing I want to remind you is that they were getting more out of this relationship than you were. You were the one who was meeting all of their needs. You were the one abandoning yourself to make sure that their life was comfortable. You wanted to do whatever you could to keep this person in to to keep proximity with this person, to keep this connection that you had. And it's completely understandable in anxious attaches and why you do this. And I do have a video on exactly why anxious attaches do this. And it's a pattern that will most likely come from your childhood that you're just used to doing. You're used to people-pleasing. You're used to putting people's needs above your own in order to avoid abandonment, but you have in fact experienced abandonment. And you're still here. So what your job right now is to be there for yourself.
So I want you to stop looking at what that person's doing. I know it's hard. Go no contact if you can. If you accidentally check, if you go through a moment where you can't possibly keep yourself away, don't judge yourself for it. Just move on and do better next time because you seeing this is just going to reopen that wound. What we want to do is pour all that energy that you were pouring into that person into yourself. All the effort, love, attention, care that you were giving to this person, you're going to start turning that round and giving it to yourself. Maybe you don't know how to do that right now. And that's something that my course will really, really help you with. It'll take you through exactly how to do this so that you can come through the other side pretty quickly. And what their experience of the relationship was was comfort, getting their needs met, having somebody who was completely devoted to them, having somebody who loved them anyway. They are losing much more than you are.
You guys, so I want you to reframe this: I lost them to they lost me because you are an asset to any relationship. And if only anxious attaches saw that, which they very rarely do, if only anxious attaches saw how valuable they were, actually saw how worthy they were, they would make absolutely excellent partners. The problem is that it's coming from a place of fear, not from a place of love and openness. And when it's coming from a place of love and openness, they make absolutely amazing partners. So reframe that: I lost them to they lost me. I'm an asset to a relationship. I was a great partner. You might not have been an angel in the relationship. And of course, you might have your own unhealthy patterns that you might want to work on. And that's really super important as well.
But what I want you to do is stop seeing this situation of I've lost the only person that could meet my needs. Because I can guarantee you if you were with an emotionally unavailable person or an avoidant attachment style, you were probably not getting your needs met. You probably went through this relationship feeling quite feeling quite insecure, unfulfilled, like you didn't matter a lot of time, feeling ignored, not having your needs met, afraid of rocking the boat with this person. So assess the relationship objectively. How good was this relationship really? And how were they showing up in reality? Not in my imagination. How were they showing up in reality? And would I have been happy in five years' time if this person never changed and I was still in this situation? Because I can tell you guys, seven years of hoping that this person was going to change. Seven years of hoping that things would just work out. If I stopped asking for things, if I kept on meeting his needs, he'd stick around. It's not fun. It's It's really not fun, you guys. And you deserve so much better.
So, no, your ex isn't doing better than you. They're numbing themselves. They are doing their best to ignore the feelings that they're having through the breakup. It has got nothing to do with your self-worth. It's got nothing to do with how lovable you are. So, we want to break that association with that person. We want to break that association with the belief that my worth depends on that person because it absolutely doesn't. You are worthy exactly how you are now.
I hope you enjoyed that video. If you like this content, please consider subscribing to this channel. Leave a comment. If you have any stories that you want to share, leave them in the comments below. I do love to read them and respond to them. But I'm Amy and it's an absolute pleasure to help you improve your self-worth. Thank you for watching and I will see you next time.