Transcription
Therapists have shame. Clients have shame. Everybody has shame. We deal a lot with shame in our therapists because the therapists feel ashamed. You know, we had one therapist who was ashamed because he cried and begged a client to lip and uh other therapists are ashamed because they think they're not doing the right therapy.
Clients feel shame over all kinds of things. So shame is an emotion and you have to ask yourself whether it's justified or not. The function evolutionarily for shame is that it keep gets you to keep your mouth shut and hide your behavior so you don't get kicked out of the community. If you're going to get kicked out of the community if you tell them something, then shame's justified. So the trick is to keep your mouth shut. Uh if you're not going to be kicked out, then shame is not justified. So then you have to tell them everything to find out that you're not going to be rejected.
Many of our clients have shame that's justified. For example, if you're a person who's molested a baby, you're likely to be censored if you tell people keep your mouth shut. For gays in the United States, it was like that for a long time. If you told someone you were gay, you were likely to lose your job. So, you kept your mouth shut.
Now, you know, your options when shame is justified or stay in the environment you're in and keep your mouth shut or find an environment where you're not going to be rejected and talk about. Now the other thing you can do is talk about it and say you're sorry and repair. So it all depends on whether your emotion is justified or not. And you don't want to confuse shame with guilt. Guilt has to do with whether you violated moral values or not. Shame often has nothing to do with moral values. It has to do with cultural stereotypes and cultural demands.
So, we deal with shame a lot. When it's not justified, the treatment is to do exactly the opposite of what your urge is. That means you have to talk about what you're ashamed about. And generally, shame is never justified with the therapist unless they're going to kick you out for it. I mean, I've known therapists who will kick you out of therapy if you attempt suicide. So, I tell patients, I say, "Look, if that's true, for God's sakes, keep your mouth shut." You know, but with me, I'm not going to kick you out or am I going to reject you. So with me have shami.