Caught My Wife with My Best Friend Through His Window!

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"Mr. Johnson, one more interruption and I will hold you in contempt of court." The judge's face flushed an angry red, and I had to bite back a laugh at her exaggerated expression. "Mr. Gray, I suggest you get control over your client."

I had been cautioned a few times already, but when cursing is second nature, it's hard to hold back. As I began to speak, I noticed the judge stiffen, and my lawyer, Mr. Gray, who was on the verge of becoming my partner at his law firm, warned me with a look not to address the judge too freely unless I fancied a night behind bars. The court reporter suppressed a laugh, seemingly preparing for the barrage of foms they suspected would erupt from me.

Across the room, my former best friend, his wife, and my sutox wifewife sat, their eyes shifting uneasily. Anna, soon to be my ex, appeared embarrassed and defeated. Tom looked like he had already given up, while Sarah, his wife, fumed in her seat, clearly not pleased with their private matters being aired in public.

By now, you might be wondering about the events that led up to me being admonished by the simpleton in the black robe about my conduct in her shamur, I mean courtroom. It all started one day. Well, call it Thursday because it was a Thursday. My name is David Cooper. I am a 37-year-old foreman in the City maintenance department for the city of Brookfield, Colorado. I started with the city two days after I graduated high school. In winter, I plow the major thoroughfares; in summer, I do whatever needs to be done. Anna works a few hours a week at the local church as a break from her housework. Our city maintenance department is split into four quadrants. Each quadrant has its own supervisor and a foreman. I am not that supervisor. I never went to college and used common sense, so I could never get the position. Also, I avoid having anyone's Johnny near my mouth. Another qualifier: usually, if a supervisor tells a crew to do something, they will ask someone like me before they waste their time. All the foremen were promoted into their jobs, while supervisors were directly hired.

Monday evening had brought one of those nasty October thunderstorms that produced a lot of high wind and hail. My quadrant got hit the hardest with the wind and hail, so we had a lot of tree limbs and other debris to clear out of streets. I had six crews going around with dump trucks picking up that stuff. I drove around in a pickup with a list of street flooding complaints. I checked each complaint area to see if storm drains were blocked with debris. If they were, I de-called out one of the two vacuum trucks I had at my disposal. I also had four street sweepers running all day long. In the afternoon, I surveyed problem alleys to see if whatd have to bring in gravel soon for them. None of my three parks got mode ID have to get crews on that in the morning.

Anna and I had a nice four-bedroom, two-story home in an older neighborhood. We couldn't afford to live with the rich folk on the southwest side of town, but we didn't live in the east side gangland either. We got along fabulously with our neighbors. Josh and Chris McLean lived next door. Alex and Megan lived directly behind us. My childhood friend, Tom Carter, lived behind the Reeds with his wife, Sarah. All four households got along so well that we had no fences separating our backyards.

Tom and I had been friends since we were in middle school. I got him into more trouble than he knew how to get out of, and to make matters worse, his parents were extra religious, while mine gave less than a damn about what God said. Dad often told me, "As long as I didn't knock some girl up or cost him a bunch of money, he really didn't care what I did." Most of the time, if Tom's mom and dad were going to nail him for something, I'd tell them I did it, and he was mistakenly blamed. I knew they hated me, so their opinion of me didn't really matter.

Tom grew up to be as religious as his parents, if not worse. He went to a Bible college and became a preacher. He is the pastor at one of the local churches. I don't go to church except for Easter and Christmas. Anna, on the other hand, goes to church religiously, pardoned upon. While Tom was at college, he met Sarah. Sarah could have been a Playboy Playmate. Sarah is 5'7", 110 lbs, blond hair, blue eyes, and had a 36D-24-34 figure. With all of that going on, she is a prayer machine. Tom is like the E to my young, but there isn't a damn thing I wouldn't do for him, or so I thought.

I got home on Thursday evening to find that I had to warm up leftover meatloaf from Sunday for dinner. I really didn't mind doing that, but my wife hadn't actually cooked a weekday meal in a few months. I wanted to sit and put away a 12-pack, but the red mark on the calendar for that day told me I could have one beer with dinner and no more the rest of the night. Red Duty days were the days I was on emergency standby and could get called out at a moment's notice to handle some issue. I ate my dinner while Anna showered. I wished she'd spend as much time paying attention to my little Johnny as she did in the damn shower. It was 7:00 p.m., and I wasn't sure if I'd see her again that evening. I got a halest, "How was your day?" when I got home, and that was about it. This had been going on now for a couple of months, and I was getting a bit tired of it. The worst part was our sex life. We used to get it on three, maybe four times a week. In the past 3 months, I had gotten Saturday night sex twice, missionary only, and two we-half-us tug jobs. She didn't even seem to notice me anymore, and that night was no exception. So, I watched the Red Sox play the Cubs on TV and wished I could get my Jagermeister on.

Around 10:00, I was contemplating going to bed when my phone rang. I figured it would be Tom whining about the Red Sox bats failing miserably that night or asking me to have my guys do something around his church, but it was the city county dispatch calling to tell me of a water main break on the north side of town near the Silverwood Plaza. I packed a few snacks in my lunch cooler and headed out the door. I almost went upstairs and told Anna what was going on, but decided, "Screw her, she didn't seem to give a damn anyway, so let the [ __ ] figure out on her own that I wasn't coming to bed."

I got to the city yard and got the keys I needed. While I was waiting for my crew, which would be made up of guys from every quad that night, plus a supervisor from the city water department and four of their guys, I hooked a trail her up to the new Peterbilt dump truck and loaded a John Deere backhoe on it. By the time I was done loading that, my crew was there, and we all headed for the place where we figured the break was. When we got there, it was obvious that the Northwest crews hadn't gotten to the storm sewers here because the street was flooded. I sent a couple of guys back to get a vacuum truck. It was 1:00 in the morning before I pierced the pavement with the backhoe. With all of the water still on the street, it was slow going. By 3:00, we had the pipe exposed and began hauling away the mud I had dug out of the hole. We would have fresh, dry sand and gravel from the city gravel pit to fill the hole back in. At 8:45 a.m., the water guys had finally reconnected the pipe and tested their joint. The building inspector okayed the fix around 9:30, and by noon, we were ready to repave the area. Since the paving would be handled by a separate contractor, I was able to get the equipment back to the yard by one. At 1:45, I was pulling into my driveway with the knowledge that I was off off work until Friday.

Now, I unlocked the door and went inside. Anna didn't appear to be home. She was off doing whatever the hell it was that she did all damn day, which lately didn't seem to include housework. I went into the kitchen to grab a beer and a sandwich. I had just closed the fridge when I heard the unmistakable sound of a woman getting the pounding of her life. It seemed to be coming from upstairs. I listened for a moment and was pretty sure the sound was from upstairs. "No wonder you don't screw me anymore, you filthy woman," I said to myself as I headed out of the kitchen. I opened the coat closet and pulled my Colt Commander .45 from its hiding place and made my way up the stairs. The sound was louder upstairs. I could see the door to the master bedroom was ajar, so I walked stealthily up to it. I jumped through the door and leveled the pistol at the bed. No one was there. I quickly checked the bathroom just off the bedroom, and it too was deserted. Back in the hall, I was left with two choices. The guest bedroom door was closed. "At least she respected our marriage bed," I thought to myself. I opened the door and once again leveled the pistol at an empty room. The only room I hadn't explored was Anna's craft room. I pictured her bent over her sewing table with the meat flying in and out of her tunnel. I kicked the door open and jumped into the room, ready to kill. The room was empty, but the sound was loud in there when I noticed the window overlooking the backyard was open. I looked out to see if she was screwing in the backyard. I saw that I needed to mow my grass, but no one was in the yard. As I scanned the yards around my house, I got the shock of my life. "What the hell, Josh and Chris have a pool?" I looked that way and saw Josh and Laura, the McLean children, pounding like rabbits on a shay lounge by their pool. Josh was a junior in college, and Laura was due to start her freshman year in the fall. She'd had a crush on me since she was 12 or so, and I absurdly wondered if she thought of me at that moment. Neither one of them was anything to look at. Laura did have a killer body, though, and her bountiful jugs were wiggling wildly as Josh pounded her. Then it struck me that I was witnessing inbreeding. "I thought, 'like this only happens in Mississippi and places like that'," I said to myself. I knew I shouldn't watch, but it was like a train wreck; I just couldn't look away. I wondered if Josh or Chris had any clue this was going on in their home. I doubted it. They weren't as straight-laced as Tom and Sarah, but I doubt even the wildest people I knew would condone that. "I bet they're watching us," look at them, Laura said to Josh. "Oh, hell, that's so hot," said Josh. She looked to her left, and I followed her gaze. I could see Tom's bare back in the upstairs window of his house. He was obviously drilling Sarah. I thought I'd hang for a few minutes, as that might have been the only chance I'd ever get to see Sarah naked. Then Tom and his partner turned around. "Holy [ __ ]!" I yelled so loud that the sex stopped in the yard below. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Tom was pounding my Anna. I froze, not sure exactly what to do. I raised the pistol up and took aim at Tom. Movement below caught my attention at the last second. It was Josh and Laura running stark naked for their house. I looked back up, intending to send some lead Tom's way, only to find that they had left the window. "Goddamn filthy woman!" I yelled as I went down the stairs. I stopped in my den long enough to grab my Mossberg Bullpup and slam a handful of 00 buck shells into the mag. Tom was going to die. The [ __ ] was going to die. Sarah's stupid cat and parakeet were fair game as well. I was going to kick his door in and lay waste to him and his [ __ ]. I tucked the pistol into the waist of my jeans and headed out the door.

I stopped about halfway down my driveway and just stood. I now understood a lot of things. I knew why my house wasn't clean. I knew why my meals came out of the freezer. I knew why my little Johnny was neglected. I knew why the [ __ ] took so many showers that they were ready to name the city reservoir after me. I walked back up my driveway and got into my truck. I backed out and left tire marks on the street as I headed for Lowe's. On the way, I contemplated everything I knew now. She never cooked anymore because Tom was wearing her out. She couldn't operate a mop or vacuum cleaner while she was getting her freak on either. The biggest question I had was, why would the two people in the world I was supposed to be able to count on the most stab me through the heart like that? I was on autopilot. I got to Lowe's and went directly to the door section and picked up three new lock sets. Genie at the paint counter waved at me, and I almost didn't notice. I halest waved back.

When I got home, Laura and Josh were waiting in my driveway. "What do these perverts want?" I asked myself. They looked like I was going to march them off to the gallows. Laura offered me a sheepish smile. "We're sorry to have to disturb you, Mr. Johnson. We didn't mean to offend you. It's just..." I cut her off. "Look, I give less than a [ __ ] if you two screw each other until your holes turn to tunnels. It's none of my business. You guys aren't even on my radar of problems right now." They turned sheepishly and walked toward their own house. I felt Laura's eyes on my hips as I walked into my house.

I set the lock sets down and went to find my tools. As I approached the kitchen, I felt my blood boil. There, sitting at my table, was Tom. "What the hell are you doing in my house, you stupid scum sucker?" "I came to talk to you as a friend." "Friend?" I laughed bitterly. "That is rich. With friends like you, who needs an enemy? Do you think I am just going to say, 'Hey Tom, old buddy, how is my wife's holes this morning, Mike?'" "Mike, it doesn't have to be this way. We..." "You're right. Oh, Tom, old pal, mine, do me a favor and hand me that butcher knife." I slid a knife across the table to him. He looked at it and then looked at the Kimber in my hand. "Come on, Mike," he said, a bit shakily. "You can't seriously expect..." "Pick it up, [ __ ]! You love Jesus so damn much, I want you to meet him now. Pick up the knife and let me put to make my day law to good use, you trespassing piece of [ __ ]!" Tom jumped up and ran for the door. He stopped on the porch and turned back. "Mike, we've been friends forever. Are you willing to throw that away?" "I lost two people, people dear to me, today, Tom. But I think when I get past all of it, they'll realize it really isn't a loss. Where's Anna?" "She's at my house. She's afraid to come over here." "You tell her she has 5 minutes to get her ass over here if she wants even the slightest chance of staying married to me. Now get the hell off my property before I risk prison just to feel better." Tom scurried off, and I wondered how long it would take Anna to drag her cheating ass home.

Four minutes later, I wondered no more. I heard her sniveling and sobbing long before I saw her. I bet people wondered what was going on when they saw Anna walking up the sidewalk, crying her eyes out. She reached to hug me, and I moved a step back. "Keep your filthy hands to yourself." "But I love you, baby. There's no one I want to spend my life with but you. Let's go inside. These [ __ ] around here don't need to know our business."

I went into the living room and sat on my favorite chair. She sat on the love seat and asked me, "Would you sit here next to me?" "Hell no, I don't want to be near you." I have never liked uncomfortable silences or pregnant pauses, so I jumped right in. "So, how long have you been getting pisted in by that [ __ ]?" "He loves you like a brother. He's your best friend." "Mike was my friend. I doubt it. Friends don't screw their friends' wives." "It's just sex. I still love you." "What a boatload of [ __ ]! It's just sex. Whoever thought of that excuse needs to have their head caved in with cinder blocks!" I yelled. "There's no need to be angry. You still have me. I'm not going anywhere." "The [ __ ] you aren't! You are choosing Tom over me and our marriage. You can't give me 5 minutes of your time anymore, but you can bend over for him at the drop of a hat. How wonderful." I felt a headache coming on and put my head in my hands. She started getting up and walking towards me. "Sit your ass back down. I hope it is worth a decade of marriage that you are tossing in the trash." "I'm not tossing our marriage out. We can stay married. They'll just have sex with Tom. I just love the way his meat feels in me. I don't love him, just his meat. He says I can come take care of your needs once or twice a week." "Well, isn't that mighty kind of him. I think I'll just go find myself someone else to take care of my needs." "No, you're my husband, and no one needs to have sex with you except for me. We are still man and wife." "Not much longer at this pace. Ex-wife is more fitting for a woman that drops her pants for a hypocritical scum sucker like Tom Carter." "No, please don't talk like that. I love you with all of my heart, but I love Tom's big meat too. You just need to understand. Tom has it all planned out, baby. We all can be happy." "Oh, I understand perfectly. You wish to have your cake and eat it too." "It's not like that at all." "Then explain it to me, damn it!" "I can't. You never..." "Well, um, I think Tom wants me back." "In 3 minutes? What the hell are you babbling about, you idiotic flut?" She looked like I had slapped her. "You've never called me names. You've never talked this way to me. What's gotten into you?" "Oh, well, let's see. What might have me a tad bit on edge? It might have something to do with the fact that I haven't slept since 6:00 a.m. yesterday morning and I worked all damn night, or it might just be that I got home to find my wife drilling a guy that wasn't me, you stupid cheating [ __ ]!" She was crying and headed for the door. "That's it, you filthy woman! Go to Tom! Go get some of the thick meat your holes crave!" She turned around at the door. "I don't see why we can't keep things like they are right now. It's not like you were home all the time. I can be his while you were at work, and four or five nights..." I slammed the door so hard I thought it splintered. "Screw you! Go eat your cake!" I yelled so loud that my throat hurt for half an hour afterward.

I sat with my back to the door for a while, doing something that made me feel quite unmanly. Dad would have whipped my ass if he had seen me with tears, so I sucked it up and got on with my tasks. I changed the lock sets on all of my doors and recoded the garage door opener. At 4:00, I decided to take a break. I was dragging ass and needed to sit. I flipped on the TV and tuned into Chris Springer. How fitting! Today, a show about cheating wives and messed-up families. I didn't make it very far with Chris as exhaustion took me. When I woke up, it was well past 9:00, and some [ __ ] was knocking at my door. I got out of my chair and went to the door. It was Tom. "What the hell do you want, [ __ ]? I ought to beat the everloving dog [ __ ] out of you for being on my porch." "I need a favor from you, man." "Well, if you don't take the cake. I don't have a girlfriend yet for you to screw. [ __ ], try elsewhere. Anna needs you. She's over there bawling her eyes out." "Can't you call her and tell her that you're not angry and that everything will be all right?" "I tell you what, she loves your meat so much, have it tell her everything will be okay. I'm done with both of you." "What's she going to say when she finds out you're screwing Anna?" "She knows. She's happy, you know? So that the sneaking around can stop. She wants you two to stay together, though." "Get your sick, perverted ass off my porch. Tell that [ __ ] that her [ __ ] will be on the porch in the morning so she can get it. Any door-knocking will be met unkindly." I slammed the door again and went to find a cold beer.

I'm still not sure why I did it, but I took my cold six-pack upstairs and sat in Anna's craft room and watched out the window. Soon, it dawned on me: I should have the video camera to collect evidence for the divorce. I went and got the camcorder. As I sat watching the back of Tom's house for activity, movement next door caught my eye. Chris McLean was out at the pool. She was wearing a robe, and I hoped to hell it stayed on, or barring that, that she was wearing a one-piece bathing suit underneath it. Chris might be the nicest person in the world, but damn, she fell off the ugly tree and did a double dip on every branch. Unlike her daughter, her body wasn't a pleasing distraction from her face. Josh isn't much better, so it baffles me that Joshi and Laura are only unpleasant to look at and not downright ugly. There must be some recessive genes at work there. Well, God just wasn't smiling on me that day. Chris removed her robe and dove into the pool. I turned my attention back to Tom's house. With the camera on the night vision setting, I could see Sarah and Anna sitting on their back porch swing. They weren't talking loud enough to hear, so I didn't bother trying to record them. I saw headlights splash across the back of Tom's house, and I knew that Josh must be home. He manages a restaurant and works late most nights. He went straight to the pool and started stripping. "What the hell did I do to deserve this?" I asked myself. I watched Tom's until I heard the splash of Josh entering the pool. They cozied up and embraced and treaded water. I could hear their conversation perfectly. "How was work, babe?" "Busy as hell. I had to fire one of the servers for smoking weed on his break." "You warned him?" "I heard something interesting today." "Oh, do tell." "Mike kicked Anna out today." "What? No way! He actually kicked her out today? Has he lost it? Those two would die without each other. I always figured she'd throw him out for his foul mouth." "You have to be wrong. According to Joshi and Laura, when they were cleaning the pool, they were cleaning something all right." I thought to myself, they saw Tom and Anna in Tom's window having sex. I guess Mike must have been at home for some reason. They heard Mike holler of profanity and saw Tom and Anna quickly stop their activity. They said Mike left the house and came back with a Lowe's bag and changed the locks on the house. I guess later Anna came over, and when she left, he slammed the door and called her a [ __ ]. "I can't believe it," said Josh. "They'll have to see Mike tomorrow and make sure he's okay. I would like for you to stay away from Tom. I always thought he looked at you and Anna a lot closer than he should have." I shuddered at the thought of Tom mentally undressing Chris. "The sick pervert." Laura said she was going to take him a cake tomorrow to cheer him up. "She's always thought highly of Mike. He's crude as hell, but I can't think of anyone else I..." "One on my side." "I saw him this morning working on a street by the mall." "Was he wearing a hard hat?" "Yes." "You and your construction worker fetish. Maybe I can get Mike to model it for you." I shuddered again. Normally, a guy loves to hear that a member of the fairer sex finds him attractive, but for the first few weeks that we lived next to Josh and Chris, I thought they were a gay couple. Chris can look quite manly. "You're so bad," she told him. "I can't, for the life of me, figure why Anna would rather screw Tom when she has Mike at home." "You're starting to make me get a complex, you know. You're the only hunk for me, my sexy man."

When I realized that a screwing was afoot, I decided to go to bed. I wasn't sure I'd sleep, but if I did, I didn't want to have nightmares about Josh and Chris knocking boots. I turned the radio on just for some noise and heard the heavy metal grindcore show playing on the college radio station. I lay there listening to kick-ass tracks by Carcass, Deicide, and Obituary. Just before the show was over, they played Cannibal Corpse's "Make Them Suffer." As I listened to the song, I realized I wanted to make Tom and Anna suffer. So, as Corpse Grinder Fisher admonished me to "make them suffer, make them suffer, make them suffer," I said, "I will, Corpse Grinder, I will."

I was awakened the next morning by some doucha-bag pounding on my door. I shook off the last vestiges of sleep and went down to see who had an early morning death wish. I opened the door, ready to yell at Anna for disturbing me, only to find Sarah Carter. "Oh, it's you. What the hell do you want?" "Anna's isn't packed just yet. I don't want you to pack her stuff, Mike. I want you to let her come back home." "And here I thought you were going to ask for something unreasonable." "I'm going back to bed." I started to close the door, and she put her hand in the way. "Wait, Mike. Why are you doing this? Anna is hurting for you, and you want to consider her feelings." "What's to consider? She wants to be with you and Tom more than she does me. I am allowing her to be with you too, and I am staying out of the way." "Tom and I can't have her live with us. We have an image we have to protect." "You cheating perverts should have thought of that before you pulled my wife into your sick game." "Why can't she live with you?" "Really? You don't see a problem here? I gave her a chance to stay; she chose your husband's meat over me. The most screwed-up thing about it is that you don't seem to have a problem with it, but I do. Now leave me the hell alone, will you?" "She still loves you, Mike. We didn't want to take her away from you. We love her and you as well. I hate to see you throw your friendship with Tom away." "He's dead to me. So is..." "You can't mean that. She will still take care of your needs." "Oh, why didn't you say so sooner? I feed and board her, buy her clothes, car, and everything she needs. She continues to screw you too, and I get tugged off once a week. Tom gets his harem and doesn't have to pay upkeep." "Screw that! Do I get sex time with you?" "Sorry, Mike. I'm a one-woman... a one-man woman," I said bemusedly. "Man, I'd sure like one of those." "Well, then, that's what I have to go find. Tell the slut her stuff will be out here in an hour or so. Come on, Mike, stop acting like a caveman and join the modern age. Tom and I have an image to keep up for our church. We can't have Anna living with us." "Well, it sounds as if you have a dilemma. Sucks to be you." I slammed the door and went to make me some bacon. "Screw their image," I said to myself. "I can't believe anyone thought I'd go for this stupid idea. They want to appear squeaky clean while having wild sex with my wife." Corpse Grinder's words came back to me: "Make them suffer."

I called a guy that I worked with and asked him who had handled his divorce. He walked away with almost all of his hard-earned assets when he caught his wife sleeping with her brother. Hm, that inbreeding thing seems to be prevalent. He gave me the name of the law firm. It seemed that Crosby, Stills, and Nash specialized in representing men who didn't want to get royally screwed over in their divorces. I called and got an appointment that afternoon for a face-to-face with one of their best. Then, I packed all of Anna's clothes and toiletries into bags and put them on the front porch. I boxed up a lot of the crap I knew she'd want and added those to the pile. Finally, I put her car keys under the floor mat and went to the bank. At the bank, I canceled all of the credit cards and closed my bank account and reopened one in my name only. She had a card in her name that I didn't know about until then. I gave them Tom's address so they could send him the bill. At 1:00 in the afternoon, noon, I went to the law office. I had to get David Crosby. He had a reputation for making quick work of any divorce attorney those he couldn't easily beat, he hired the secretary instead. They showed me into the office of Bill White. He was a scruffy guy, but his record spoke for itself. He sat there and didn't say a word as he looked over the files I had brought in. Then he called his paralegal in, told her something, and the girl left with my paperwork. "Mr. Johnson, I think we can get you everything you want and take the preacher down a notch or two." "Do you have photo or video proof?" "No, but the neighbor kids saw them too." "I just want her out of my life. I don't care what she does after that." The paralegal brought in a bunch of papers, and I started signing. Bill explained what each one was and why it was necessary. Then he gave me a list of things I needed to do. I had already done a few of them. I gave him his retainer and went home to nap. Anna's stuff was gone when I got home. There was a note taped to my door. I took it inside and lay down on the couch. Springer was on. The note was from Anna, imploring me to allow her to come home. No mention of giving up Tom's meat. Bill and I had decided to serve her and Tom with legal papers at church on Sunday. I got a kick out of the idea and decided I'd attend. There were over 50 messages on my answering machine connected to my landline. I deleted them all in one fell swoop. With the aid of beer, I was able to sleep well that night.

When I went to work the next morning, I set to fixing Tom's wagon. First, I called up the city accounting department. I had allowed my crews to haul several loads of gravel to Tom's church for nothing. I had kept the tear slips, and now I knew why. Janice assured me the bill would be entered as late or unpaid, so Tom would be getting a call from the collection department. At $60 a ton, plus another $50 a load transportation cost, Tom now owed the city $10,000 for gravel and would be getting a visit from the building inspectors since he never pulled permits for the work. I also wondered out loud in front of the water company supervisor if they had a compliant water meter. I knew they had an older residential model and would have to cough up $1,200 to replace it. Tom knew I kept them from paying the piper on a lot of things. "Make them suffer." I was going to bankrupt the prick. I also knew of several home projects Tom hadn't done properly. Building inspectors now knew of those. Tom would pay out of the nose to get it all straight. I knew he'd call in a while, pissed off. I told my supervisor what I was doing with the tear sheets, just as I knew he would. Tom called at noon. "What are you trying to pull, Mike?" "What do you mean?" "You know what I mean. Building inspector telling me I have to undo the whole parking lot. You said everything would be fine." "Well, it seems I forgot to turn in a bunch of paperwork, but don't worry, we'll be reprimanded." "I hope they fire you." My supervisor came in just then. He knew who was on the phone. "Mike, about that late paperwork..." "Remind me to put a scathing pit note in your file." "They'll have to get a posit note to remind me to remind you." "Okay, Mike. Try not to do it again." "Oh, that was some reprimand," said Tom. "I'm surprised he didn't find you a nickel." "He did file all of my tear slips. Tom, be expecting a bill." He hung up rudely.

The rest of the day passed normally, and I ended up at Mo's bar that evening for a beer or 12. City workers and cops frequented Mo's, and by 11:00, many of them had heard my story, either from me or from one of the several who had heard it earlier, and a full-out campaign of harassment was underway. One guy on the police force mentioned that Tom might get pulled over more often now. My new fishing buddy on the fire department decided that the church might make the inspection list on Monday, and the fire marshal would give it his full attention. "These churches are always out of date on something," he said. "We usually don't enforce the code too harshly with them, but I think Tony will feel that the safety of the congregation and the church's neighbors might be worth considering." Sheila Torres, a secretary for the county clerk's office, mentioned that the assessor might discover an error on Tom's property tax assessment for last year, and a pass-due amount might have to be dealt with. "Make them suffer, indeed."

Saturday morning, I was working in my garage. I had tried to work in my backyard, but between the half-naked genetic misfortunes next door and the swinging [ __ ] behind them, my back backyard was anything but a haven. I was cleaning up a cabinet I was restoring when I heard a furtive noise behind me. "These dicks just never learn, do they?" I could literally feel eyes boring into my back. I just knew it had to be Anna. I spun around to tell the trash-eating scumbag to hit the bricks, only to lock eyes with Laura. "Um, hi, Micer. I mean, Mr. Johnson." "Hi. What do you need?" Laura, looking at her, I thought, "Whoever coined the term 'butterface' was definitely gazing upon Laura McLean when he did. She definitely had a body to die for, and at the moment, she wasn't covering much with her bikini and thong." I could feel my Johnny involuntarily rising, but thinking of her extracurricular activities with her brother killed it. "I have a video you might find useful, Mr. Johnson." She handed me a USB stick and allowed her hand to linger in contact with mine. Meanwhile, my eyes locked onto her tits. I looked at her face again to control my me and saw undeniable lust in her eyes. She blinked, and it was gone. "Um, I have chores I have to do, but I thought the video on there might help you in your case, Mr. Johnson. They'll look at it as soon as I can." Laura, thank you for bringing it. She turned around and headed off the door and looked back over her shoulder. I saw something in her face, but couldn't place the look. "It's my pleasure to be of assistance, Mike. Have a good one." She had never openly called me anything other than Mr. Johnson. I put the memory stick in my pocket and continued on with my tasks. I finally got my lawn mowed and only had to endure Anna's screaming and wailing from Tom's balcony for most of it. I put buying a loud MP3 player on my to-do list. I kept hoping Josh and Chris would call the cops, but to no avail. The whole family abandoned their pool and opted for the AC in their home.

Around 5:00, I decided to head over to Joe's Pit Barbecue for their famous melt-in-your-mouth rib platter. As I was eating, John Branson, Sarah's brother, came in and spotted me. John was an engineer for the city county road and street department. He and I had worked together many times and had a good rapport. I wasn't sure what to expect from John, so I pretended not to notice him. He told Ramona, Joe's wife and longest-standing employee, that he had a to-go order and paid. She told him it would be a few moments, and I thought I was home free. Next thing I know, John is by my table. "Hi, Mike. Haven't seen you in ages." "John. I've been pretty busy." "Seems every time we get one storm cleaned up and dealt with, another two roll through." "Yeah, I hear that. We are going to open bidding next week for replacing the Johnson Street Bridge. You guys will get some of the tasks for that, but the Commissioners want it to be mainly contractor work to keep public crews freed up for other projects." "That sure would be nice. We need to get at least 100 potholes filled and three park irrigation systems repaired, so no." "How's life treating you?" I couldn't tell if he was fishing for information or if he didn't know anything yet. We made small talk for a few minutes, and then he said, "I understand the drainage at my brother-in-law's church has come under scrutiny and he'll be paying some large dollars to the city for the upgrades." "I am glad someone is finally stepping on that dirt bag's toes. Remind me to never get on your bad side, Mike." He clapped me on the shoulder. "See you around, Mike." He went and got his food and left. I finished my meal and left. I stopped at Chang's Liquor and bought a bottle of vodka and went home.

I was just about to sit in front of the TV when I remembered the USB stick that Laura had brought me earlier. I popped it into the port on my laptop and opened it up. I saw only one file and opened it. I was treated to a shot of Laura leaning out of her bedroom window. She wasn't wearing anything below the waist, and had her fingers working in and out of her. I watched for a minute and realized she was saying something. "Oh, babe, I hope you know how you turn me on. God, I'd love to jump on your meat." I began to recognize the sound of my lawn mower coming in through the open window. I remembered several times that she had watched me mow on the screen. She had just come and was shaking her ass with ecstasy. I was about to fast-forward to find out if there was anything pertinent to me on the video when Josh came into the room. "Hold it right there, young lady. Are you Mike tuba?" I cringed, knowing I was a regular sexual fixture in the McLean household. "I am Josh. Me, pretend you're him, will you? Screw me and make me believe it's him." At this point, I started scrolling through the video. After about a minute of the incestuous bromance hour, I saw what had prompted Laura to bring me this video. I wish she had erased the other parts, but I think she wanted me to see her rubbing one out. Josh had stopped in mid-stroke and grabbed the camera. Soon, the screen was filled with Tom, Anna, and Sarah and a threesome on their terrace. I felt so stupid that they had done this with me only 50 yards away. I knew I had evidence now. I could use in my divorce. I made a phone call to a guy who owed me a favor. The video would have another purpose before we ever got to court. "Make them suffer."

For the first time in ages, I was up early on Sunday morning and ready for church. I had my morning coffee and a bagel and read the news. At 20 minutes till 11:00, I drove to the Brookfield Presbyterian Church. In the parking lot, I saw three other people who, like myself, likely didn't frequent Tom's services. I followed them in and nonchalantly took a seat in the third pew. I came to. I looked back and caught the eye of Robert Donaldson, who operated the audio-video system for the services. Robert worked on my park crew and owed me a favor or two. I looked at the bulletin to see exactly when I would have my fun. It would be after the offering plates were passed among the masses, which would work perfectly. The choir entered. Sarah and Anna walked in close together. I wondered if any of the blue-haired old ladies had any clue what the minister's wife and the first alto had been up to the night before. Tom came out and began babbling about forgiveness being most important in the eyes of God. I almost thought that he knew I was in the audience. I didn't once hear the seventh commandment mentioned, though. We sang a few tunes about Jesus, and then the plates were passed around. I knew that when the plates were gathered, they were delivered to Robert at the audio-video console. He would count the money during the sermon so that he and the church secretary could deposit the money on her way home from services. About 10 minutes after the offering, we reached the part one had been waiting for. Tom said a prayer welcoming all newcomers into the house of God, then he asked that all of the guests attending please come forward and introduce themselves. My three guests all stood from their various positions around the congregation and went to the pulpit. The little kid next to me started to tell me to go, but his mom stifled him instantly with a pop to the back of the head. I had to chuckle. Tom shook hands with each and asked them to introduce themselves. A young brunette spoke first. "I am here to see Sarah Carter." Sarah, looking puzzled, came forward. As the brunette handed the mic to a pimply-faced red-haired kid, "I'm here to see Anna Johnson," he said. Anna came down and joined Sarah in front. The three pimples handed the mic to their boss. "Son, Neil Young, Tom Carter, Sarah Carter, and Anna Johnson. You have all three been served." With that, the three simultaneously pushed documents into the astonished lovers' hands. At that point, Tom got his microphone back and asked, "Why have you defiled my sanctuary this way?" As if on cue, Robert streamed the video clip that I had carefully edited to protect my disgusting neighbors on the big projection screen behind the pulpit. The image of Tom, Sarah, and Anna riding naked around the patio was larger than life in front of the congregation. I saw four or five old bitties reaching for their jitterbugs, and I knew the cops would be here soon. One old lady approached Tom and raked his nuts with her cane. At some point during the melee, Anna read her paper and let loose a bloodcurdling scream. I was headed for the door and turned to see who was slaughtering her. Unfortunately, both she and Tom saw me, and she came running. Tom couldn't have run if the Nazis had been coming to toss him into an oven. I spun for the door only to be met by a cop who must have been at the duty shop across the street.

Days later, after all of the dust had died down and the DA had refused to file charges against me, Tom had the privacy fence installed that his restraining order against me required. Sure, I wasn't allowed anywhere near his church except on city business, but he wasn't allowed to harass me either. Even better, Anna was included in the order and only allowed to contact me through Bill White. Sunny Bono, our assistant DA, had even chuckled a bit when I told him how I had slipped the USB stick into the collection plate for Robert to find. Tom had been screaming for

me to be charged with trespassing, but since it was a public service, he didn't get far with his squawking. Robert was relieved of his duties, but due to Tom not wanting any more publicity, he didn't say a word when Robert took a job at the Presbyterian church across town. Bill white called me 2 days later to inform me that we'd go before The Honorable Sonia Kagan in 2 weeks to begin proceedings. She can be a real ball buster. She tends to give the wife more leeway than the husband, but since you already own the house, there's not too many ways she can screw you. She always gives alimony to cheaters though, which makes me a bit nervous.

My immediate supervisor is a kid just out of college. I pretty much call the shots in my quad since he never overrides me. He knows I know the [ __ ] and leaves it at that. The supervisors of two other quads are easygoing, but don't let their Foreman have as much control, but they'll get out there and work with their Crews. It's best if my supervisor stays in his office. Marvin Taylor is the supervisor for the worst quad in town. He neither gives his leads any rain nor does he help his Cruise. Marvin is one of those guys you just walk the other way if you see him coming. Dick is probably the best term for him. Most guys say they'd rather pull their ball hair out with pliers than spend 5 minutes talking to Marvin. Most of us believe he CAU caught some member of the city council sexing up their dog, or he was the mayor's gay lover, and that's how he has managed to keep his job this long. Luckily, I rarely saw Marvin. Every great once in a while, he had actually see me in my office when he had nothing going on and stop in. Today, he obviously had nothing pressing and graced me with his presence. I knew that if he managed to have a five-minute conversation and not say anything racist or sexist, it would snow tomorrow, even though the 4th of July was only a week away.

"So Mikey boy, I hear tail that you were getting his divorce. What happened? She catch you with your schlong in the cat's poop shoot?" I wasn't about to tell this prick the truth. "No, I just got tired of her." "Do you have a judge yet?" "Yeah, Judge Kagan is hearing the case." "That horrifying witch! She screwed my boy royally in his divorce. Gave that brother loving [ __ ] he married the house and the kids, and Jeff gets to pay for both. I hope you have a good attorney, Mike." Jeff went in with some kid found in the freeads.

I wondered if Marvin ever thought about the [ __ ] he spewed. He managed to defile two races in one fell swoop. I wondered if he ever talked this way in front of Terry miles. Jimmy was Marvin's foreman and was 65 and 240 lb. An African-American, Jimmy had played linebacker for the New York Giants and on the surface appeared as if he would kill you for looking at him. I learned, however, that after a beer or two, Jimmy was a riot. One evening, we were at at Mo's and had been drinking for at least 3 hours. Each time one of a group of five Frat Boys would approach the bathroom, Jimmy would get up and haul in there, eyeballing the frat boy all the way. They finally left without ever going to the head. Jimmy thought it was hilarious. Mark, the bartender, who was 65 and went 320, politely asked Jimmy to stop screwing with the college kids and told us that our next pitcher was on him. Jimmy was a great guy, but I have my doubts head Find humor in Marvin's rampant use of the N word. It was Jimmy that saved me from Marvin's further [ __ ] by appearing and telling him that they needed to get out to the site where his most inep crew. They were all inept because once guys realized what a jerk off Marvin was, they transferred or quit. We were replacing a storm sewer drain. As Marvin and Jimmy moved on down the hall, I said a quiet prayer of thanks for Jimmy and his timely appearance. In two weeks, I DB in front of that horrifying witch, and I doubted Jimmy could put in an appearance and get me out of that one. But hey, I thought to myself, maybe it won't be all that bad.

"What the hell kind of stupid Kami Pinko is this on the bench?" In her black robe, Judge Sonia Kagan sat unflinching as a torrent of filth erupted from me. "This stupid witch had actually ordered my sunto bic wife's request for couples counseling to be undertaken when I had stated I wouldn't go. She threatened me with jail." I turned to Bill, "Come on, you got to tell this witch that the therapy ain't flying. I just want to be rid of this skanky [ __ ] and her preacher sex pals." Tom hung his head as if he wanted to disappear. Sarah was pissed off, and if looks could kill, I have been on my way to St. Peter long before that particular speech. Bill had ed the Carters as material witnesses. They had fought it only to be threatened with a failure to a charge if they didn't show. Their congregation had already dwindled to the point that Tom's two Sunday services for 150 or so parishioners had become one service for tin who either couldn't find another church or just wanted to see if an orgy might occur, and three representatives from the main Church in Denver planning to get a new Parson in to replace Tom. The once proud choir of 20 was now Sarah, Anna, and old Charles Brown.

"It's only sex," Anna tried to justify. I wondered if she'd buy that horeshit for me if I'd been caught with my pickle and Michelle Wallace pickle jar. Michelle was Anna's best friend in college. The night that Anna dumped Kyle DAV for me, Michelle hooked up with him. From that point on, Michelle had been known as the [ __ ] of all [ __ ]. "Mike works a lot of hours sometimes, and I feel neglected," Anna added, opening my list of cheaters. "Excuse number two." "I don't know what the hell about my hours," I interjected. "I worked from 7:00 a.m. till 4:00 p.m. Monday through Friday. I had only been called away at night four times in the past year and a half." "My first time with Tom was all about curiosity," Anna continued. "I had heard that Tom had a larger than normal ah." "Skank. Point number three, curiosity," I mocked. "How many worthless scum dumpsters over the ages have used the excuse of wanting to know what a bigger meat felt like, or how sex with a different man was, as an excuse to go grab some non-husband schlong?" As she went on about that, I recalled exactly how I had hooked up with her.

Homecoming meant more to Summit Southern Colorado State than it did to others. Others went and supported the team no matter how bad they got creamed. Most of us just knew that the parties were going to be outrageous. Randy Parker's bonfire and drunken fest on the Eastern Prairie was no different than any other bash around town. Randy was 45 years old but held the bash on his uncle's ranch every homecoming without fail. The old pervert got off on the possibility of college and high school girls shucking their clothes and him getting to roam about and watch. Randy got arrested 5 years later when six girls complained that he assaulted them and is stuck for three of them. Homecoming of Anna's junior year was truly special as the Fighting Farmers actually won their game. Half of the opposing team had stomach flu, but SCS won, and that was all that mattered. I wasn't a student; I worked for a living and hoped one day to afford some classes. I worked part-time for the city and part-time as campus maintenance. Since the team won, we were told we didn't have to clean up until Sunday morning, so we could party and only clean the place up once instead of twice. My my friend Chris Barnes, Ry's cousin, invited me to the big de on the ranch that evening. Since we were free to get our freak on, Chris's words, not mine. By 11, I was fairly buzzed. About half of the crowd had disappeared, even though the parking lot wasn't much emptier. A few cars were rocking, but most seemed to be unoccupied. I figured since the barn and other buildings were likely full of fornicators, as were the pastures, I was safe to throw a piss in the parking lot. I walked out and stopped in front of a car that seemed to be unoccupied. I proceeded to whip my Wong out and hose down the grill and front bumper. As I was stuffing Mr. Happy back into my drawers, I stumbled and bumped into the car. I started falling and braced myself by placing my hands on the hood. As I did, the headlights came on, and my meat was in the spotlight. I couldn't talk much about the guy, but the little brunette had been doing him off, locked on my meat. I hollered out, "Oops, sorry!" and stuffed my meat back into my jeans and wandered back to the bonfire.

I had just opened another beer when I saw the same brunette from the parking lot. I moved toward the other side of the fire so that she wouldn't notice me and point me out to anyone as the drunk that pissed on her trick's car. I was passing a group of Frat Boys that knew me, and all had to shake my hand and tell me how much they loved me. Funny thing is, only one of them really knew me, a guy I gave a jump start to the past winter. As the guys were doing the drunk brother love thing, I felt a hand brush my hips. I spun to see the brunette walking away and wondered what had happened. The next morning, as I was dressing for work, I got my wallet out of the jeans I had worn to the party and felt something in the other hip pocket. I pulled it out and saw that it was a note: "If you like what you saw as much as I liked what I saw, call me at your earliest convenience. Anna." A phone number was written at the bottom. I spent most of the day cleaning up debris from the celebratory students and wondering if the note was genuine. During my final break, I decided to give the number a call. "Hello?" "Hi, may I speak to Anna?" "She's not here. Can I take a message?" "Tell her the guy from the party called and he liked what he saw." I left my number and went back to work. I then wondered if I had left my number for some chick that wasn't the brunette. I might have been baited into dating the skankiest [ __ ] on campus or the ugliest trans around for all I knew.

That evening, as I was settling in to watch the Bronco game I had taped earlier, my phone R. I picked it up without even looking to see who was calling. "Yeah, I don't know your name, but I've seen your package," said this moderately gruff but feminine voice. I was thinking my number had been given to a [ __ ] for sure. "Should I just call you Moby Dick?" "No, Mike will work just fine." "Anna?" "Yes, it's Anna. Sorry, my voice is hoarse from yelling at the game yesterday." "Yelling at the game, or..." "Listen, would you like to meet me at Frankie's Inn, say in an hour? I'd like to see your face better and show you I'm not part of a prank." "Were people really giving numbers to [ __ ] as a prank?" "Sure. They'll be there in an hour. It'll be in a Shannon Sharp jersey and jeans." "Okay, that's number 13 for the Chargers, right?" "No, number 84 for the Broncos. Tell me what you'll be wearing." It might be easier. She described in great detail what she'd be wearing, and 45 minutes later, I was perched in Frankie's Cafe watching the door. I wasn't wearing the Jersey just in case I had to slip out. When a Dior-wearing dude b-bopped through the door, I knew I had made the right choice. 20 minutes later, I saw her walk in. She was wearing exactly what she said she'd be wearing and looking quite hot as she scanned the room. I felt like a schmuck for not wearing the Jersey. I stood and waved at her, and she headed my way with a bemused look. "Funny looking Bronco Jersey, Mike? Afraid of a switcheroo being pulled on you?" "Honestly, I wanted to make an escape if you turned out to be not as advertised." "I guess I can't really blame you there." We drank coffee and ate pie until closing time and then said our good nights.

I dated her for at least a month before we got intimate. On the Saturday night that I knew I was going to put my moves on, I called Tom to tell him I was getting serious with a girl. He told me to make sure our feelings were true before I set her up for heartache. I chuckled out loud as I recalled his words to me. Funny, 10 years later, she'd break my heart because of him. I realized I had chuckled out loud when I looked up and Anna and Dr. Landers were looking at me like I had just pissed on the fruit salad. "Do you find amusement in Anna's pain, Mr. Johnson?" "More like amusement in my own pain. I do believe I owe Lucas Brown a long overdue apology." Anna looked puzzled at the mention of Lucas. She and he had dated once, but she didn't do anything with him. She had hooked up with Nick Collins, the guy she was blowing at the party two days after their date. Rumor was that Lucas just didn't have a big enough meat for her. "Now, why ever would you owe him an apology?" asked a puzzled Anna. "Well, it appears I might have punched him in the mouth for telling the truth." "What truth would that be, Mr. Johnson?" Dr. Landers interjected. "He told a buddy of mine that Anna should be nicknamed Big Bird because she was always seeking out a bigger limb to sit on." "I don't understand, Mr. Johnson. She's a size queen." "Dr. Landers, her face got a nice angry red blush when I called her that." Anna just looked stricken. "She dumped Lucas because he had a small wiener, then she took one look at mine and dumped Justin. Now she found out my ex-best friend has an even larger meat and jumped to him. It's just stupid, filthy." "If you say it's just sex, they'll leave now and do my time in jail for contempt. Then he'll move to Afghanistan where they treat adulterous witches with medieval methods." Anna and Dr. Landers were both shocked. Dr. Landers appeared to collect herself. "Now, Anna, we have to realize that Neanderthal thinking doesn't comprehend multiple sex partners in a happy marriage." "What the hell are you yammering about, Dr. Landers?" "It seems that many happily married couples enjoy multiple partners. Many husbands who realize that they are not enough for their wives have no issue with sharing her with a man who is. Many even derive unparalleled pleasure from watching their mate get pleasured by a better specimen." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'd seen videos and heard stories on the internet about these cucks. Some of them ended up sleeping on a dog bed while their wives screwed enormous meats nightly. "There isn't enough narcotics in the world to make me enjoy this flavor of [ __ ]. I don't give a flying [ __ ] what these fruitcake scum suckers enjoy. I it'll be a cold day in Hell before I watch any spouse of mine getting long-piston by someone other than me, and I'd put some lead in her head before I'd even consider cleaning her up afterward." "Now, Mike, don't you think you owe it to yourself and your marriage to have a more open mind about this?" "No one said anything about you cleaning her up or even watching, although you certainly could if you so wished." "Yeah, Mike, that would be so hot. I could even service you after." "Screw you! [ __ ] you, think I want Tom's sloppy seconds? I suppose that soon you'd tell me how hot it would be for me to wear little pink panties around while you and Tom screw, and how close it would make us for me to sleep in a little cage at at the foot of the bed." "Oh, no, Mike would let you sleep in your own bed." "I am out of here!" I yelled. "I'm sure the receptionist was ready to dial 911 at any second." "No, Mr. Johnson, if you give other ideas a chance, you might save your marriage." "Don't you get it, you thick-skulled [ __ ] catcher? I don't want to save it. I want out. I want to find a woman who doesn't think the vow about forsaking all others has an expiration date." "No, Mike, you are my husband, and I want allow you to have another woman. Oh, it's fine for you to seek out more meat, but not fine for me to find a new hole. Screw you if you think I'm going to sit back and support you while Tom screws it. You have a screw loose." "I'm done. I'm out of here." I stood up. "Mr. Johnson, you were ordered to attend these sessions, and failure to do so will get you put in jail for contempt of court." "I've been here an hour, and I don't need to be here any longer." I looked Dr. Landers straight in the eye. "Go ahead and tell the black robe witch everything I said in here. Tell her how uncooperative I've been. I don't give a flying rats ask what she does to me. It'll be a cold day in Hell before I ever get within 10 ft of that skank again," I said, pointing at Anna. "They'll also be talking to my lawyers about getting your license pulled, you psychotic [ __ ]!" Walking out of that building, I felt better than I had since this whole ordeal started. I got in my truck and drove straight to Bill's office. He got got that "Oh [ __ ]" look on his face the moment he saw me. "Please tell me you didn't kill anyone." "I'd have loved to, but I didn't. I probably said some words they didn't like, but other than that." I proceeded to tell him about the session. I told him about the rehearsed feeling I had gotten from the whole scene. I told him about the counselor's attitude towards me. "Mike, you're not the first to complain about this. I don't know what it is, but any complaint seems to get swept under the rock. I would have warned you, but I'd likely get hit with threats of tampering charges." "I'm not going back, Bill. That fat bubble but Jaba the Hut can jail me if she wants, but I'm not sitting through three more hours of this [ __ ]!" Bill told me he had have David Crosby make a few calls. "Stay out of trouble, Mike. We'll get this over sooner rather than later."

I went home and wanted a few stiff drinks. I wanted to get wasted, but there just happened to be a red mark on the calendar for the day. I had three beers though, since it was still early afternoon and I wouldn't be back on duty until after 7. So I had my dinner and beers and settled in to watch TV. I must have looked like a champ drinking beer and watching Chris Springer and pro wrestling. I finished my third beer about the time the ball game came on. In the middle of the sixth inning, the thunder started. I walked out onto the porch and saw the heavy black clouds moving over the downtown area. By the sudden chill in the air, I knew we were getting one of those summer hail storms. The look of the clouds told me that Stoneville might have roofing crews working until Thanksgiving or later. Two storms earlier in the summer had hit the north side particularly hard, promising to keep roofing contractors busy until at least early October. So as the storm raged on outside and reports of power outages hit the TV, I prepared to work all night. My own neighborhood got some large-phasized hail, but a few calls to friends and agencies confirmed golf ball and baseball-sized hail in the Midtown area. Inevitably, the call came, but I did spend the night cleaning up from the hail. I and about half of the crew that night were in dump trucks hauling sand in road base to the river dike. It seems that it had been raining hard every afternoon for the past week in the mountains. That and what was dropped by this evening storm brought the river up fast, and it was threatening two earth and dikes and the lime road bridge. By 4 in the morning, the Army Corps of Engineers claimed the dike was safe, and the county had a good handle on the bridge, and they set about deciding what repairs would be needed when the ground dried up. Some my crew headed out to see where we could be useful. I spent another 3 hours hauling sand and dirt washed into roadways by the storm away to dry.

At 9 Friday morning, I pulled into my driveway, knowing that this time I would not be catching my wife riding Tom's Johnny, mainly because I had no wife and I no longer cared whose Johnny she wrote. I was strumming pretty well on a mix of coffee and energy drinks, but I figured a nice shot of Jagermeister should help me sleep with little or no problems. So I finished my bottle off and lay down on my couch to watch TV. Next thing I know, someone is knocking on my door, and it is dark outside. The clock on my phone told me it was almost 11. I looked out onto my porch to see Laura McLean standing there. "What does she want?" I wondered out loud. I turned on the porch light and opened the door. "I'm sorry to bother you, Mike, but there's something I think you need to see. It might help you with your divorce problem." I stood there a minute, trying to comprehend what she could possibly show me would help me with my ordeal. It didn't help that she looked damned hot. She was wearing a tight little pair of shorts, a light yellow halter, and for the first time, I noticed that her eyes were a beautiful shade of gray. She said something that I didn't catch and then turned and headed for her driveway. Even with my brain on autopilot, I was able to discern that she wanted me to follow her. She opened her car door, and I wented the passenger side and got in. As she drove in silence, I caught myself constantly staring at the shape of her marvelous legs. I had thought that Anna and Sarah had some nice gams; they had chicken legs compared to Laura. I think she caught me staring a time or two because her smile would widen. I caught myself staring at her body almost inappropriately several times. In profile, her face wasn't as bad as it seemed. Laura drove me to a group of abandoned buildings downtown. The city had bought all of the buildings in the hope of making revenue from developers that had been buying property in the area about about 12 years ago. Funny thing was, every time someone made a bid on these properties, the board that controlled sales of city property nipped the deal. This board was made up of five trustees, and all five had to vote for a sale to be completed. Their votes were by secret seal ballot, so nobody knew who nicked the deals. It had cost the city a great deal in upkeep and security to keep vagrants out. 2 years ago, they had a 10-ft chain link fence installed to keep people out. We parked in the old power plant parking lot, which seemed to have more cars parked in it than there should be. "Laura, what are we doing here? We could get into huge problems if we're caught." "Come on, Mike, you'll see in a few in positive this will help you in a big way." For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how getting arrested for trespassing would help me win a divorce that seemed to be going sideways, but I followed Laura anyway. She came to a spot in the fence and walked through. I got to the fence and saw that it had been cut. I was about to ask Laura who had cut it when I saw she was 30 ft away, approaching a basement window of the Old King James Hotel. I caught up to her, and she motioned me to the window. She pointed to a spot where I could see light coming out of the window. "What the hell?" I knew the power had been cut to the building years ago, yet there was light. I looked through and realized why Laura had brought me here. As I gasped in surprise and took in the scene, Laura handed me her camcorder.

On the way home, Laura explained to me me how she had discovered the going son at the hotel. Tommy and I were spying on Tom and Anna one evening when he mentioned this place to her. So on the following Friday night, we followed them here. I was surprised that Sarah didn't go. "So that was Friday night choir practice, huh?" Laura looked over at me as if she was embarrassed that I had discovered another of my wife's secrets. "Don't worry, Laura, it'll keep you and Tommy out of everything. My beef is with the others, you know." "The only reason Tommy and I screw is that we are both too ugly for anyone else to want to have sex with us." "Where in the hell did that come from?" I wondered to myself. "I knew I had never questioned their activities." "Oh, that can't be true. I bet there are countless guys who would kill to be with you." "Maybe some guys would use me, but none want to be seen in public with me. I've had three boyfriends who would date some prude and then want to meet me in secret afterwards. I hear the jokes, Mike. They call me butterface, you know, killer body, oh, but her face. And they call me a three-bagger, you know, a bag on my head, one on his, in case mine falls off, and one by the door for anyone who might accidentally walk in. I'm good enough to have sex in the dark and in secret, but not to be dated or shown off in public." "Come on, Laura, it can't be all that bad. If I was a guy your age, I'd be all over you." I felt like a true [ __ ] for lying to her, but she was on the verge of tears, and she had just helped me out big time. "You have indeed helped me out tremendously, and I'd like to take you out to dinner tomorrow evening. So you get all dled up, and I'll pick you up at 7:00." "Okay. You don't have to give me pity, Mike. Besides, I am going to Denver tomorrow morning and we'll be gone until Sunday evening." "It's not pity, and if you want, they'll take a rain check on the dinner." She agreed to the rain check, and I got out of the car and went inside. I had the [ __ ] where I wanted them. In the morning, I'd make a few phone calls.

By Thursday, everything was in place. I had called Bill first. "Well, I have to warn you that what you are doing is considered extortion." "I do think it will work." "Damn, no wonder that witch always orders the things she does." My next call had gone to Mike Star. Mike and I had been buddies in high school, and now he was an investigative reporter for the local TV news. I gave him copies of the video and all of the pertinent details. He had heard rumors about this before and told me they all did it on Wednesday nights. Sometimes he was going to stake out the hotel and bust them live on TV. On Monday morning, I went into the head of the city maintenance department's office with a proposal that would achieve two things. One, I would solve a storage problem we had, and all it would cost the city would be some F's. Second, it would put access to the hotel out of reach for those I wanted to make suffer. He liked the plan. Since the city already owned the property, all the maintenance department had to do was put a request in with the zoning office. The board that controlled the sale of city property would never be involved since we were only reappropriating land, not selling it. Since the fences wouldn't cost more than $150,000, we wouldn't need to submit a budget request. As I was walking out of his office, he told me he was recommending me for a promotion. "You saved us at least half a million dollars if we get this done, and I am positive that we will. Great thinking, Mike. I need more thinkers on my staff." By Wednesday morning, we had all of our approvals in line, including all permits we'd need. I was put in charge of overseeing the move and all of the upgrades we'd need done to the property. A 10-man crew was dedicated to my task, and I knew within 3 weeks the project would be complete. Thursday morning, we began moving fencing material to the old power plant parking lot. We were going to also use a large chunk of land behind the hotel for snow plow storage and a brand new sand depot. I left work at noon because I had counseling with Dr. Landers at 1.

At 12:30, I walked into the reception room of Dr. Lander's office. The receptionist threw me a dirty look and called into her boss's office. 5 minutes later, I was told to go on in, and the door busted. Dr. Landers looked so smug, it made it all the more enjoyable for me. "Mr. Johnson, I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see you here at all, let alone early. Am glad we can have a few minutes to do some Anyan own before the session starts." "Anyan own would be a new concept, eh?" "Excuse me, Mr. Johnson. I just came in today to tell you that I won't be attending this sham anymore, nor will I pay for it." She looked miffed and then got one of those holier-than-thou smiles on her face. "Judge Kagan ordered your attendance, Mr. Johnson. You'll go to jail for contempt if you screw." "You eat my ass and choke on the largest piece. I won't be going anywhere." "Mr. Johnson, you really should watch your mouth. You're going to call your partner Kagan and tell her the gig is up. I know about your little swingers club in the basement of the King James, and pretty soon my buddy Mike Star is going to know about it too. I'm sure various legal and ethical enforcement agencies will be really curious to know why a family court judge and a family marriage counselor run a sex club, all the while cheating [ __ ] get to ask for and get ridiculous counseling and outrageous spousal support in Kagan's courtroom, especially when a respondent just happens to be a member of your club." "There is no such clu, stupid [ __ ]! Don't try to tell me there isn't a club. I saw you, I saw them, I saw the Elk Head wearing a fireman's hat and condoms on his antlers!" Her face got paler and paler as I ranted on. I didn't bother to tell her that Mike Star already knew about their club, nor that I had provided him with video proof. He also knew who kept blocking the sale of the properties. I wasn't sure when Mike was going to blow the lid off this case, but I knew it was coming. Judge Kagan and her husband likely stood to lose the most. He worked in the DA's office, and Stoneville DA Jim Morrison was always quick to rid his office of anyone who might cause him embarrassment. I turned at the door and looked at a more sullen and dejected Dr. Landers. "Screw you."

20 minutes later, Anna was with Dr. Landers. "Let's look at the story from her side." I was somewhat apprehensive when the door into Dr. Lander's office buzzed. 10 minutes after my session with my husband Mike was supposed to begin. Tom and my attorney, Justin Bieber, both assured me that Dr. Landers and Judge Kagan would either convince Mike to be more open-minded towards my situation or make the process so long and drawn out that he'd eventually give up and let things be. I wore a shorter skirt than I did for our first session. I opted to not wear hose this time either. My hair was styled just like he liked, and I wore the perfume he bought me for our anniversary last year. Dr. Landers looked absolutely stricken when I walked in. I noticed Mike was not there and assumed that Abby had suffered some family tragedy and dismissed him already. I was upset that I wouldn't get to see him today. No matter how black his hate for me was, my love was still strong. I was not allowed to walk down either side of our street or be on the back balcony while Mike was home. "Is Mike risking jail just to avoid the session?" I asked her. I knew she didn't like the macho man type of guys like Mike, and with Mike's boisterous attitude and foul mouth, she had more trouble dealing with him than many other men. "There's no session today, Anna. They'll call and let you you know the situation when I know more." She pushed a button, and the door buzzed open. I looked back at the once confident woman and wondered what had happened to shake her.

I drove to the church to see Tom since I had extra time. I was looking forward to the swingers club the next night. I was going to try double entry for the first time. Tom was going to be in my ass while Terry Kagan screwed me. I was so hot just from the thought that if I found Tom alone at the church, I'd get jumped. I wish Mike would loosen up and join in. The thought of my Mike and Tom doing me at the same time almost made me climax without even touching me. I could even smell my own fragrance as I got out of the car at the church. Tom was on the phone when I went in. He looked to be in a foul mood, but then again, had been in a foul mood since Mike found out about us. The look he gave me as I entered his office let me know I'd have to wait to scratch my itch. "That was Terry. There will be no club meeting tonight. It seems Mike found out about it all and has threatened to call his buddy Mike Star in on the whole club. I don't know how he found out about it, but he now can embarrass a whole lot of people. I am regretting ever hooking up with you, Anna. I swear your holes are not worth all this trouble." I was stunned. A few months ago, he wanted me over every day of the week. He told me that I was far better than Sarah and more fun as well, and now, with a little push back from Mike, I was suddenly out of favor. Just after dinner that night, my attorney called. He told me that wbb been moved up and we had had a hearing in the morning. He told me that the only time he had had ever seen a judge move a hearing up like this was because the filing party had dropped their petition for divorce. I asked if it could be a contempt of court hearing for Mike. Justin said he seriously doubted that if Mike was being called before the judge, we wouldn't have been ordered in. He told me to sleep well and that he had good feelings for tomorrow. Tom seemed to cheer up a bit at my news. Maybe someone put pressure on him to play ball and keep his mouth shut. There are a few powerful folks that are part of that club. Mike has balls, but no clout. The sex was awesome that night. I must have climaxed a dozen times. Tom, Sarah, and I all had fun.

At 10:00 in the morning, I was in Judge Kagan's courtroom. Mike's attorney and another man were in their spot, but Mike was nowhere to be seen. I asked Justin if Mike would be in trouble for not being here. "Not likely. He might be off somewhere licking his wounds. What I don't understand is why Graham Nash is here. He hasn't actually been in a courtroom in 6 years. Something is definitely going on." Judge Kagan entered and called the court to order. Mike's attorney and Mr. Nash asked to approach. Justin went up as well, and the four stood talking at the bench for at least 20 minutes. Justin looked troubled when he returned to my table, but I didn't get a chance to ask him before the judge banged her gavel and pronounced that in 90 days, the marriage of Mike and Anna Johnson would be dissolved. She then told me that I would receive Reed no alimony or support from Mike. He was being ordered to turn over 25% of his retirement to me, as well as 40% of our liquid assets, which meant cash. According to Justin, I asked what had happened, and Justin said, "For some reason, Judge Kagan decided to grant Mr. Johnson's petition for divorce." The next thing I knew, I was being helped to a seat by an EMT. "Ma'am, can you tell me how many fingers I am holding up?"

Within 3 weeks, everything had gone to Hell. The TV news did a piece about the swingers club and all of those involved. Judge Kagan was removed from the bench, and the government was investigating with a high probability that she'd be brought up on charges. Her husband was fired immediately and brought up on charges stemming from his involvement with a drug running scheme that was uncovered during the scandal. Justin Bieber was disbarred because he was discovered to have had sex with a few of his male clients and had thrown cases for Judge Kagan. He was also involved in the drug ring that had been busted in one of the city high schools. Dr. Landers was ordered to repay 30 different clients that Judge Kagan had sent her. She was found in her bathtub with her wrists slit. Her husband was found on the toilet next to her with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Tom was asked to step down from his ministry. His severance from the church would barely cover his moving expenses. Sarah filed for divorce after catching him jacking off while watching Chris and Laura McLean swimming. She said it was because of that, but mainly she was tired of his libido leading her to trouble and embarrassment. Tom blamed me for all of the trouble and told me he wouldn't be taking me with him. I moved into a small apartment with Sarah until we could get our feet under us. I used most of the money I got from Mike to get our utilities on and helping Sarah hire an attorney. Tom tried to hire Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, but they refused him. Instead, he ended up with some no-name guy he found in the wanted ads, and Sarah cleaned him out. Last I heard, he was in Iowa somewhere preaching in a non-denominational church. I got a job with an accounting agency after my divorce became final. Sarah worked for a contractor and was dating one of his workers. I didn't want to date anyone; I wanted Mike. Every once in a while, I'd walk past our old street and see the for sale sign in the yard. Two weeks ago, I saw a sold sign on top. I was distraught and went to buy some comfort food, mainly Häagen-Dazs and Chips Ahoy. As I was passing the frozen dinner section on my way to the ice cream, I saw Mike. He was buying a frozen pizza. Before I knew what I was doing, I was graveling before him in the store. I don't remember what I exactly said, but when I stopped to take a breath and wipe my eyes, Mike looked embarrassed, and there was a small crowd gathered. He just smiled at me and pointed to his ass and said, "Eat my [ __ ] and die," and just walked away.

Las Vegas, Nevada. 4 years later. Back with Mike. I pulled my truck into the driveway and looked at my lawn. I needed to mow it, but I would wait until Saturday morning. I'd get up at 6:00 and mow before the temperature hit 100. I walked inside, and my wife threw her arms around me and gave me a deep, passionate kiss. "Hi, baby. Did you make sure the tourists and pensioners wouldn't sneak an extra nickel or two from the huge conglomerate corporations?" My job as a slot machine technician never failed to bring out my wife's inner piece. "And when you graduate with honors next month, you're going to be among the faceless drones slaving for the man, just like me, at least until you knock me up, baby." She kissed me again. "Well, my sexy man, I sure am glad you're home." "So you studying with the girls tonight, doll?" "Yes, but I'll have to watch Samantha around you, Mike. She just can't seem to keep her eyes off your butt." "I used to have a neighbor girl like that. She was always staring at my butt, especially when I demo the lawn. I still can't believe Anna was stupid enough to screw Tom Carter. Oh well, her loss, my gain." "Yes, indeed, Laura. I guess I'll go get us a pizza or three. I know how you college girls chow." She kissed me as I headed back out the door. Laura and I had been married for 3 years now. I got to Vegas about 3 days after I left Stoneville. I know some folks would think him a total [ __ ] for leaving Anna in the motel and Casper the way I did, but there was no way I was ever going to trust that meat monger [ __ ] again. She had been asleep, sleep about 10 minutes when I slipped out and paid for the use of the room. I didn't know how long it would take for her to get someone to come get her, so I bought her 3 days' time. Thanks to energy drinks, I made it to Utah before sunup. 2 days later, I was pulling into Las Vegas. Within a week, I had a job and a place to stay. I used my revenue from the sale of my house and my retirement fund to buy a house. 2 weeks later, as planned, Laura showed up. She had enrolled at UNLV at the of her senior year in high school. During the weeks I was waiting for my house to sell and my divorce to become final, I spent a lot of time with Laura. It started with her coming by to make sure I wasn't drinking too much. She'd bring food, and we'd eat together. We'd watch movies together on most weeknights, and we'd go places on the weekend. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her, and I discovered I wasn't ashamed to be seen in public with her. When I told her about Anna begging me to take her back in the store, she got teary-eyed and was ready to ball. "Hey, I have no plans whatsoever of going back to her, Laura. I am falling for you. I have a plan if you think you can stand a be with an old man like me." She was on me before I could get the rest of it out. That night, after three rounds of first fevered and hot, the latter two more relaxed and loving, I finished laying out my plan to her. I expected Tom and Chris to throw a fit, but it was just the opposite. "Mike, you have always been a crude and rough individual, but but I can't imagine our daughter in better hands," Tom told me in his garage one afternoon. "I know you'll treat her right and make her happy. Hell, she's been in love with you since the day you and that other one moved in." "Chris better not have any inbreeding with the son-in-law ideas," I thought to myself. I also wondered if my future brother-in-law would be jealous. A year after we got to Las Vegas, Laura made friends with a cosmetology student who taught her a new way of doing her makeup so that her positive aspects were highlighted. Her words, not mine. "I do have to say, it was a night and day difference. Laura changed her hairstyle and became a rather attractive woman." We got married right after her freshman year. I told her that if she met a guy her age, she was more than welcome to try. She didn't speak to me for almost a week. "You silly, stupid [ __ ]!" she said when she finally started speaking to me again. "Since I was a teenage girl, I have only had eyes for one man. I watched as the wrong woman threw you away, and now will be damned if he'll ever let you go." I do talk to people back home once in a while, of course. Tom and Chris keep us up to date. Cheryl ended up married to some tile guy. They had a kid, last I heard, and moved to California. Anna made it back to Stoneville 2 years after I stranded her in Wyoming. It seems she hooked up with a rancher there and married him. He kicked her out a year later when he caught her running a train with three of his ranch hands. The pimple-faced kid behind the counter just told me my pizzas are ready. If I can get them home quickly enough, Laura will likely jump my bones before her study group shows up. Me, they'll retire to my den and watch the Rockies on my MLB season pass on my satellite. From one risky woman to another, my life is as good as taken. Thank you for watching. Do you think David's plan for revenge was justified, or did he take things too far? Let us know in the comments, and don't forget to subscribe for more wild stories. See you in the next video.