Transcription
[Music] I'm in a bit of a catch-22. My husband, I've been married about 5 years now. He wants to go DJ, and it's just a lifestyle that is not at all compatible with mine. Not what I signed up for in this marriage. So, I want to call bull crap on that, but I think there's a deeper thing here.
What up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls on relationships and marriage and mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. So grateful that you're with us. Go to johnddloney.com/askask to fill out the question. Let us know what's going on in your life and we will get you on the show.
Let's go out to Denver, Colorado, and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up, Jane?
Hi. What do you say, lady?
Hey, thank you for taking my question.
Of course. What's going on? Tell me about it.
Well, I'm Well, I'm in a bit of a catch-22 with my husband. I've been married about 5 years, my second marriage, turning 50 this year. I'll be 54. And um
You say he's turning 50 and you're turning 54?
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And we're we we've been working pretty hard these past five years to become financially uh independent, which we have. And now he wants to go DJ. And it just is um a lifestyle that just is not at all compatible with mine. Not what I signed up for in this marriage.
He wants to go DJ like?
Yeah. Well, he's very talented and he did that when he was younger and then he got somebody pregnant and he went to the military and he did 20 years in the military and it's time to get out the turntables and crack it back open, Jane.
Yeah. I mean, it's his passion and I'm not one to, you know, I'm very much about a purpose-driven life and if that's his purpose, I don't, you know, it's not me to deter him from that. But it just doesn't work for my life. I wasn't into the clubs and bars when I was 25, you know.
Yeah. So, what what kind of This is a sticky one. So, what kind of um DJing is it? Like does he does drum and bass vinyl?
He does vinyl DJing, which is he's more like an art form. He what he does is more like art. Yeah. It's not like, you know. Yeah. It's he is he's truly talented. So he's not doing like wedding music and he's not DJing like like Bob and Janet getting remarried. He's not doing that. And he's he's not none of that. He's not like doing house part MDM parties. He's like he's DJing like venues. I I guess they're wanting to sign him up for a resident DJ club and Okay. But he wants to play like big festivals. He wants to actually produce music, you know. I say he's very talented, you know.
Okay. So, but but there is there's I I don't mean this in a negative way. In many facets, this is a young man's game. Yeah. You stay up all night, you sleep all day, and a few people make a jillion dollars doing this. And I'm sure there's people that make a living doing it. But yeah, whatever, whatever, whatever. There's a deeper issue here cuz it's not that cuz I hear you saying that he's good at this. That probably, probably Jane, this is one of the things that drew you to him. Maybe not his actual DJing in a club, but the fact that he's an artist and he's a creator and he's like sees things and experiences things in the world that other people don't. That's probably why you fell in love with him, right?
Yeah. He's a very very passionate individual and he's someone that does something 100%. He was special forces. He's done like eight combat tours, you know. He's just he when he does something, he doesn't mess around.
Okay. There's a part of you that thinks, "Oh, this is going to work out."
Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. Well, I think in terms of for him, yes, I can see that if he really puts his passion behind it and and you know, his his focus to it. Yes. First of all, he doesn't look 50 and we both are really into our health. At least that was one of the big things that drew me to him. He's let that go because now the music but it's not for the money. He doesn't want to do it for the money. He has he has seen things.
No, he is trying to extract the last two decades every drop out of the last two decades. He has Yeah, I get that. Yeah. But I want to go back to something you said. You said this is not compatible compatible with my lifestyle. So I want to call bull crap on that. But I think there's a deeper thing here. So, give me the real real.
Well, that's, you know, part of it is on the surface.
No, no, no. Give me not the part of Give me the real real cuz you can go to bed at 9:00 and he could leave and you won't even know he's gone. Special forces, dude. I was just a goofball and I used to leave the house to go to crisis calls and go clean body parts up and I'd come home and my wife hadn't even moved and I get back in the same bed. So, that could happen. What is the thing you're really worried about?
Okay. Well, I didn't want to open this can of worms.
I know, but you called me.
He got arrested six months after we got married. Okay. For what?
Okay. He Well, he had a problem that he had been in under treatment for like a year before I met him.
You said a coke problem.
Yeah. He had a substance abuse problem and he had a relapse after the 6 months and he got arrested for um trying to hook up with the 14-year-old.
Okay. So he was been on probation for the majority of our marriage. Okay. And I told him it's one chance. You know, I I can I can deal with a lot. And I and I even reconciled everything in in my mind in terms of I understand that these people operate without boundaries. They are trained to operate without any sort of boundaries. Um and I know the environments that he was living in. So, it's not that he was going after a 14-year-old. It was a sting operation. And I understand I know they put up the pictures, make them look like they're a lot older and they trap them. It was a that's a whole that's a whole other conver.
Yeah, then that's what I'm saying. So, he did a lot of work during that time, a lot of therapy. I mean, he was forced to anyways, but he had he was already in therapy before before the arrest. Um, and he's done a lot of self-improvement and yeah, my fear is that he's going to be he is in an environment where there's a lot of triggers and the reality is and there it took years to rebuild the trust. But it wasn't that difficult because he was on probation. He couldn't go anywhere.
So, so let's let's let's stop you. You've used the word he about 40 times. Let's stop doing that.
Yeah. Okay. Let's take full ownership of what's inside your chest.
I felt safe during that time because he was home, you know, because Yeah. because the Yes. the there wasn't much he could do. So, and we were always together. He couldn't go anywhere. But, um, and and there was, like I said, he was going to therapy like three times a week.
You married, and I say this, I've got friends in special force. You married a wild animal, a very highly trained animal. Yeah. And I get that, you know, and that and that obviously makes me feel safe on a different level. But but you loved you loved that ability he had, but you really loved it in the imposed cages that you found him. Yeah. And now that cage has been lifted. Yeah. Now that cage has been lifted. And so we did build a lot of trust. And to be honest, John, I'm not a jealous person. I'm not a possessive person.
No, you're a scared person.
Yeah. Yes. Yes. And that's okay. That's okay. But you got to own it. You got to own it.
Yeah. I'm I'm afraid that I'm afraid of his dishonesty. Okay. I can handle a lot. Just be honest. I mean, even if we say, "Okay, you know what? We'll do open marriage while you're doing this, but just be honest. Just tell me." So, after all these years of building this trust, I I fully was trusting them. I had let the past go. I, you know, I find out he's lying to me about something so simple about vaping. You know, when I asked him, it's like, you know, just just tell me cuz I could smell it.
What what what happens? Hold on, hold on, hold on. What happens when he when he tells you the truth? Can you hold it? What happened when you told me the truth?
No, no, no. In any situation, what happens when he tells you the truth about a thing he knows you're not going to agree with? Do you go, "Oh, you and your vaping." Or do you say, "You know, you're not supposed to do that. It's not good for you. It's just going to lead to, can you hold his truth?"
Yeah. No. What I do, I you know, I I had even told him before. I said, "Look, if you need to vape, I I get that there's worse things you could you could do. Just just be honest about it and don't do it in front of my son. I don't want him vaping in front of my son." And um because I have a 12-year-old. And the first time he denied it, it was uh maybe a year ago. And then he came clean and he said, "Yeah, it was it was it was my babe." And I and I said, "You know, I really appreciate you being honest." And that was that. And that was that. Okay. And the second time I didn't say anything, but we did do a therapy session and this was brought up and it's it's the it's I told him, "Look, it's It all ties into his D-Day, you know, his night life that it's it's I don't I don't think that is. I think that's a proxy.
I know. It's just I feel like he just destroyed the foundation of the trust we just spent years rebuilding.
That's not true. The trust wasn't real. If you can't if you can't be honest about the the vaping, how can you be honest if about something big when I look man, I am the coolest chick when it comes to that. you you you know you had a moment of weakness. Fine, just tell me about it. Just don't. It's the dishonesty. Don't you the being blindsided when I got that call. I mean, we were having sex like, you know, four or five times a day and he does this. It's like, oh, the blind side. This is my marriage. I can't deal with the blind side.
But that's it right there. Humiliating. That That's it. Own that. But he knows that we talked about that in depth.
I know. No, no, no. Hold on. But you But the the the question you asked is I don't like this lifestyle. It's not true.
Well, that's a whole other thing. I I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. But listen, just listen listen. You love this guy and in your world in in in your experience he blew your world up and you are internalizing that that explosion as what else could I have done? I had sex with him whenever he wanted. I'm cool. I let I let I let but everything is very maternal. Everything is I'm the one in power here and I will hold my hands folded across my chest and look at you and say whether you can or can't. And I hate that. I don't want to be that person.
I know. I I get that. I totally get that. I don't want to be that. I know. And I don't want to let him off the hook. Some mother I don't want to let him off the hook.
That's not the point. He shouldn't be out lying to his wife. and um you shouldn't be like getting caught in sting oper. That's a whole other call. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole. Yeah. Here's the thing. I think the scariest part of this for you is the trust you thought you built was it was pseudo at best. It wasn't real. It's like a summer camp when you were stuck on a on a mountain in the forest and you meet somebody and you think they're the one. It's not real until you get off the mountain and go back to your regular lives and then he's not so cute anymore or that funny thing he does is a right. Yeah. And so I think it's being honest about dude you I heard you talk about him in his artistry and how skilled and talented he is. Yeah. I really enjoy seeing that. I mean he really shines. That's what I mean. Like you like that. The thing that is honest here is I don't trust you. And worse than that, you made me feel ashamed. Yeah. And I don't think you've fully metabolized that. And you make it about sleep schedules and you make it about vaping and you make it about these little bitty lies here. You made me feel ashamed. You made me feel embarrassed. Yeah. Or you made me feel less than. I was sleeping. I was doing all this stuff and I wasn't enough. Yeah. And in that conversation, you'll have to exhale and realize that the problem that exists here was never you. And that's a scary thing. I get that on, you know, I get that on the surface level. I know. But you got to feel that in your bones. Yeah.
So, what do I do?
I don't know. You have to address that issue because it's going to become this weird proxy war about staying up too late and playing music and I don't like that atmosphere. It's that it keeps me from sleeping because as soon as he comes I'm a light sleeper and I mean really hard time like I like okay I'll get I'll get you know earplugs.
No, those are all those are all surface band-aids. It's about you being honest and saying, "I'm not fully over what happened." Yeah. And in the same way you've been trying to convince yourself that we're rebuilding trust here. You didn't. You still don't trust him. And I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying I want you to own what you are actually feeling here.
Well, I I thought I did until last incident just made me realize like this person just doesn't know how to operate in honesty. Like he he is he operates you he's a hider and I can't change that. Like I have to accept that.
You don't have to accept it. Oh, what do I do? What else do I do? I'm not going to try to change him. I already tried.
Okay, then you have two choices. You can leave or you can say this is the person I married and I'm going to do what I can to not put them in positions where they feel like they have to be dishonest. But you just choosing to find a particular thing and hit the gas in the mud, the car's just going to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin. All you're going to do is blow out your engine. You're never going to get anywhere. So, it's me who's making him feel he needs to be dishonest.
Nope. It's you thinking that you can control that. What you can do is set up boundaries. I don't want to live in the house with somebody that I can't trust. Period. Trust to go after a 14-year-old girl. Trust to tell me the truth about something as stupid as a vape. I don't want to live in that house. Or I do want to live in this house. And so I'm choosing to live in a house with somebody that doesn't tell me the truth and that there's just going to be an underlying frustration that exists here. It's hard to build a relationship that's not anchored into trust. It's very, very hard. If I can't trust you to be anchored in here with me, if you're just a ghost, then it makes me feel like a like a balloon with a string cut just flying in the wind. And that's not about DJing. That's about till death do his part. And the only way is to start in this one is to start at reality. Here's the truth behind the truth behind the truth. And you don't have to go there. It's hard, scary, terrifying. And he might say, "I'm not going there." Cool. You get to choose whatever path you want. You're just at a path. You're at a fork in the road. And both paths are hard. Choose your heart.
Thanks for the call, Jane. That was a tough tough tough one. A woman wonders how to set boundaries with her boyfriend's son. When we come back, this show is sponsored by Better Help. Hey, while the world seems like it's falling apart, we're all under pressure to perform and look like we're keeping it all together. We all know that support is good, but many of us don't think we're allowed to ask for it. Women are often told that they have to be everything to everyone all of the time, and somehow they intuitively have to know how to do it all. While men are often told that they are the reason for every bad thing in the world, and that asking for help means they are weak or less than. Listen to this. 76% of people across the globe believe that mental health care can help resolve personal problems. Yet six out of 10 still believe that society discourages people from asking for help. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and doing something about it so you can be your best self for you and for everyone else in your life. If you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone, anyone, a friend, a loved one, or yes, a therapist. I talk with a therapist often and you might consider doing it too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapist at any time, easily, and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp hp.com/deloney.
Blair in Phoenix, Arizona. What's up, Blair?
Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.
Of course. What's up?
Um, hey, so I've got a question. Um, I've been with my uh boyfriend for about 10 years. Um, 10 years. 10 years. We don't live together. Um, we started out long distance. Um, you stayed long distance. No, a little bit of background. We had a connection to each other when we were younger, like as teenagers, and we grew up in the same town. Um, we our life took different paths. We both got married. Uh, we're in long-term uh marriages. We both uh found ourselves like single. um re reconnected and you know built a really awesome uh relationship really long distance for um about 2 years into that. Um, just this is a person that I love very much. I feel like I can talk to him just about most things, just about anything. We get along great. Um, the uh the situation is yeah we we are now in the same uh city. We um we don't live together. I know that he would like to get married and uh build a future in terms of like getting married, moving in together, that kind of thing. We work opposite schedules as one thing, so we see each other mostly on weekends. Um, but uh his uh he has a adult son that uh his name is Carter and he lives uh with his son. They live together and um the son is um unemployed uh has never finished high school. Um, you know, I I feel like I keep waiting to see like what's going to happen here. Is this person going to get launched? You know, how will that impact if I have a life with um with Jack, my boyfriend? Like, what is what's going to happen here? I feel like um it's just this sense of anticipation. I keep wondering like what's what's going on now.
Um, how old is this son?
He is almost 30.
Yeah. And this is something that you know when I brought up to Jack before he would say like as a young child there was some situation in the schools in the public school kind of a poor public school situation that his son had. He was I think labeled as a troublemaker as a kid. um when you know I've I've I've like kind of given up sort of like suggesting programs or ways to help because I've put out a lot of stuff um in the past. But Jack has expressed some disappointment with me in the past that I maybe didn't make more of an effort that, you know, me to kind of like psychoanalyze his uh son. Uh because he's, you know, he said that sometimes kids don't listen to their parents, but perhaps I might have an influence or
Blair. Blair Blair. Yeah. You love this guy, but you don't respect him as far as you can see him. And you got you're watching him out of his own guilt for what he missed when his son was little. You're watching a grown man completely and totally disempowering another grown man. It's a turnoff. You know, when I see that, it's a tremendous turnoff. Don't blow by it. Don't blow by it. This is devastating for you because you came out of a long-term relationship, a long-term marriage. You invested 10 more years and now you're thinking, "What is wrong with me?"
I feel guilty. I know. I feel like I my problem is the boundaries, you know, and Yeah. And I don't I don't know what to do. And I I'm a parent. I my uh my child didn't go through a picnic either. But you know what? Launched healthy working every day. Sometimes kids don't launch. Sometimes kids have to be thrown right because if a kid has a weightlifting accident when they're nine or they're 14, just saying, "Hey, you never have to go in the weight room again." only guarantees that they will never get any stronger. It will not heal what happened when they were nine or 14. And and like you said, this is it's this is an embar it's just so disempowering because every day he's looking at that kid who everyone else said, "You're a troublemaker. You're a this. You're a this. You're a this." Now, his dad is looking at him and saying, "I don't believe you can either. I don't believe you can get a job and hold it. I don't believe you can figure out a way to pay rent. I don't believe you can go see a therapist that I'll pay for and you'll actually take your meds for a season. I don't think you can. You just sit there and no, that's not attractive. Yes, that's disempowering. Yes, that's incredibly disrespectful to his 30-year-old son to think that little of him. But none of that matters. What matters is you said, "I don't know what to do." I think you do know what to do. I think you're terrified at the consequences of what you know you're going to you you feel like you need to do.
I feel like, you know, I keep I I there's been over this long period of time, I keep hoping like there's been uh like some coaching going on or, you know, like I I I would rather like don't see me on the weekend. like let's get do something with, you know, to help to help this, you know, to help Carter, you know, like because like this doesn't feel like it's going to change.
It's not. Yeah. I don't know what to do.
So, just fast forward, you're going to have a 40-year-old grown man living in your house and you'll have a 40-year-old man that demands you do his laundry or make his breakfast or whatever things get to go on in that house. And you're going to have a new partner, a husband that you will have been with for 20 years at this point telling you, "We can't go on vacation. We can't go do these things in retirement because son XYZ."
Yeah. It does impact a lot of stuff for the future. And I feel like even bringing up the future, like I'm very goal oriented. I I keep thinking like maybe in the future, like this is something that we could
Oh, I know. Did you hear what you're saying, though? It's just like you're I just like want to hug you cuz you know, and you're not crazy for recognizing life is getting shorter by the day. And you're not crazy for looking and saying, you know, how this story ends. this man feel I feel like a bad person because I'm like judging or something.
No, you're just looking at reality. And I don't know where this story in your in your body came from that your feelings are somehow the arbiter of truth in the world, but they're not. Feelings job is not to tell us the truth. It's just to sound alarms. Right? and your alarms are ringing so loud. You're trying to figure out which door to which exit to run out of or which entrance to run into. And the alarms are just too loud. Everything feels heavy and it feels big.
Was your divorce real bad?
It was really bad. And uh it was it was it was really bad. Um, and uh I you know since then I I feel like my whole mission was like getting myself in a place of peace and security and building peace in my home has been like the top thing you know, which is easy to do when you live when you live alone.
Yeah. You've built peace through avoidance and especially in the beginning there's there's some really important value in that. Like when you get electrocuted a whole lot, it's makes a lot of sense to not want to mess with electricity. But at some point, you have to decide, do I want to turn the lights back on or not?
I feel like I let my ability to let the light on when I let in this relationship with Jack because I feel like he has been such a safe person for me like emotionally. you know, complete opposite of um what I had before, you know, and that's been the greatest thing about the relationship.
Just because it has felt good does not mean it's right long term, right? Like if if the boat sank and you just like flip-flop swam your way to shore, that's that that swimstroke saved your life. That doesn't mean that's a good swim stroke for the rest of your life. Right? And I don't want to cast judgment on this guy. I don't know anything about him. His son may have incredible special needs and he feels frozen. He feels guilty. It is what it is. What's important here is not that y'all have different beliefs on stuff. My wife and I have crazy different beliefs on stuff, but you have very different values. And it I don't know of successful relationships that don't share values. And deeper deeper than that, you just don't respect the guy. And you're not a bad person. Doesn't make you judgy. It doesn't make you evil. Doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't make you nagging. It doesn't make you any of those things. But this is that feeling of you establishing peace in the quote unquote real world. That is I'm putting up my boundaries and my boundaries require nothing of you. But as for me and my house, we're not going to have a 30-year-old fully functioning adult living here without a job, without purpose, without expertise because it's cruel to do to the 30-year-old to allow that. And I don't do cruel things. I've been through hell once before. I'm scared about a second divorce, even though you're not technically married, but this will be as this will be a painful divorce if you broke up today. And I I want to have peace. Peace means I can hold my values. I can hold my boundaries. And I can hold him in your presence, not just avoid you. It's a cold war, right?
Mhm. Yeah. I just Give me one other thing. Get like Give me one other thing. What's one other thing that you struggle with respecting this guy about? Don't judge yourself. Don't judge.
Well, you know it. Just just what's a thing you don't respect?
Yeah, it's hard. Um, is it hard to find something or is it hard to say it out loud?
It's, you know, it's like it's I guess it's it's hard to say it out loud.
Maybe. You don't have to say it. You don't have to say it. But here's the here's what I'm getting at. It's easy to focus on this big big rock that is this 30-year-old man living in your boyfriend's house. And your boyfriend desperately wants you to join the clan. But that's not the only thing. This is the big thing. It might even be the easy thing. But there's other thing because these things don't happen in a vacuum. It's rare rare rare that everybody's in alignment on everything except for this one huge kaboom of a thing. Because if we're alignment on how we treat people, if we're alignment on what intimacy and honesty and vulnerability means, if we're on if we're aligned on both of us are trying to get to reality, if we're aligned on being able to talk about beliefs, then these big things aren't just still sitting there. And again, you can't change anything about him. The only thing you can do for yourself is to be honest about, oh my gosh, I wallpapered over this thing. I just drove by drove by this thing. I didn't listen to myself on this one. I just was so focused on this one feeling I had, which was he's going to be there. This one feeling like, I hate dating. This one feeling like, okay, I know he loves me. He makes me feel safe and I love him and we're going to just ignore all this other stuff. And it turns out this other stuff is really, really big. I guess the homework assignment I would tell you is to write down all of the things that make you lack respect. And if you want to balance it out to be fair and just get it out of your system, cuz I know you judge yourself harsher than anybody judges you, write down all the things you love about him, put those on a list. But I want you to be deeply honest. You don't have to do it on a public forum like this, but write down on a yellow pad, here's the things I disrespect about him. the way he treats me, the way he talks to my kid, the way he dishonors his own kid by not making him have responsibilities, and on and on and on. Once you see the reality of what you write down, there's often a lot of clarity there. Maybe really painful, but there's often a ton ton of clarity there. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non- Anxious Life. It's it's a book I wrote. I want you to read it and use that road map in there cuz that may clarify this respect and values issue in a pretty enlightening way. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, a woman wonders when to tell her kids about her biological family.
All right, it's time to talk about Helix. Summer is here. Sun's up earlier, school's out, so the kids are going bananas. And if you're like me, your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks? Sleep. So, I'm going to be real with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife, I'm grumpy with my kids, and at work, everything feels harder than it should. Sleep isn't just about closing your eyes and resting. It's about being able to show up the next day as the kind of person you want to be for yourself and for those who need you to show up for them. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft or too stiff, had memory foam that felt like quicksand, whatever it is, you name it. But Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and based on who I sleep next to. Yes, they've even got mattress options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's incredible. So, get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz just like I did. It takes less than 2 minutes and they'll match you with the perfect mattress. that's just right for you. Plus, right now, my audience gets exclusive savings on the Helix Fourth of July sale, 27% off sitewide. Go to helixleep.com/delone and get 27% off. That's helix h e l iix. helixleep.com/deloney with helix better sleep starts right now.
Savannah, Georgia, let's talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth?
Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
Good. And you?
I'm well, thank you, sir. Awesome. Like the Elizabeth from Savannah, Georgia sounds about as southern as we can get. So, good good work on that one. What's up?
I just wanted to talk to you about how do I how and when is a good time to tell my kids that the grandparents that they've grown up with their whole lives are not my biological parents?
Tell me the story.
So, I'm going to read from my notes. Um, my mom was from out west and my dad is from Georgia. Where's out west? That's a southern thing. Out west. I know. Where is that? California. Uh, no, not that far. Just Missouri, but to me on the other side of the Mississippi, so it counts. Otherwise known as central United States. But cool. Out west. All right. Over that way. Um, so they uh my dad was traveling for work and they met um I guess at a concert or a bar or something and they started dating. Next thing you know, they're pregnant with me and um so my dad, you know, moves her to Georgia and then they get married before I was born. Um, so then after I was born, they had two other daughters within 3 years and then they were divorced before my youngest sister was one. Um, so I stayed with my mom until um, well, my dad got remarried when I was six and then I stayed with her until I was seven and then my dad got custody of us. Um, my relationship with my mom wasn't very healthy.
Yeah. Why why did your dad get custody? That's very rare 10 or 15 20 years ago.
Um, there was there was a lot of physical abuse. Okay. Um, my mom had a lot of boyfriends that would come in and out and um, so so was there different kinds of abuse than just physical abuse?
Yes, sir. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so hold on. Exhale for a second. That's a big one. That's a big one. And you've been blown by that one your whole life. Okay. Okay. So, of course, you know, obviously our my relationship with my mom wasn't healthy. So, in the state of Georgia, um, hold on. I want to reframe that. Can I reframe that for you?
Of course.
Your relationship with your mom wasn't healthy is a very armslength way of saying my mom didn't protect me. And that's her one freaking job.
Yes. I'm trying to be diplomatic.
We're not going to be diplomatic when moms abuse kids, okay? Or moms create environments where kids are allowed to be hurt repeatedly over and over. We're not going to be diplomatic there cuz that's evil. And it's wrong. Yeah. And you being a sweet southern gal are raised that diplomacy is the only path. And diplomacy often means burying truth as deep as you possibly can.
Yeah, that pretty much sums up my whole life.
And then you end up feeling crazy. And then you make kids and those kids know mom's carrying something in the backpack. They don't know what it is. And they try to solve it. and they grow up crazy. Yeah. And the cycle continues, right?
Yep. Hopefully not anymore.
There you go. That's what I'm talking about. And then one parent turns and says, "It stops with me."
Yes, dude. I'm proud of you.
Well, thank you. Okay. So, what did you find out?
Well, okay. So, fast forward. Um, well, I guess it's important to note that I call my stepmom my mom. Um, so that's why my kids don't know about my biological mother. Okay. Um, and so, um, and I haven't spoken to my biological mom since I was 14. Okay. Um, so I don't I mean I think she knows I'm married because of my sisters and I think she knows I have children, but we've never made contact.
Um, so can we can we can we pause right there? Can we talk about how much that hurts, too?
Yeah, she still hasn't reached out to say, "I want to meet my grandbabies."
Yeah. I mean, in in her defense, she but she tried for the first few years, especially after I got married and my first job was born. Um, but we shut her down because she tried to reach out on Facebook.
So, okay. So, she she learned her lesson. All right. My bad here. Okay, keep going. Good for you. Holding boundaries. Way to go.
Um, so then when I was about 3 years ago, when I was 29, I took an ancestry DNA test because I was going to England and I wanted to find out where I was from in England to hopefully visit and I didn't get that information at all. Um, I was matched with my biological father. Um, and he's also from Missouri, so I don't have any any recent history from England, which is unfortunate. Um, so yeah, I it was it was
So you found out the traveling salesman who knocked up your mom was actually not the guy, correct? And so the man who had full custody of you and who raised you and whose new wife raised you as their own are not your biological parents.
Correct. Okay. Um, so it it took a little a couple of weeks and finally I just decided I wasn't initially going to reach out. I felt like that was kind of betraying my dad if I reached out to this biological family.
But does your dad know about all this?
Yes, sir. What did he say?
Yes. Um, he was my dad was really weird. Uh, he was he kind of keeps it at arms length again. He says, "Um, you know, we'll talk about it as much as you want to. You can tell me as much as you want or as little as you want."
Did he know his approach?
Um, he said that he had suspicions because I don't I'm a couple inches taller than him. I'm, you know, fair skinned and blue-eyed and light hair and he's a quarter chalk Indian. So, he's, you know, a darker complexion, darker hair. I didn't look like them. Like, I don't look like anybody in my family. said he suspected it, especially as I was a teenager and I started getting taller. But he said that and he had thought about getting me tested, but ultimately he decided it didn't matter that he was my dad.
So, can we sit on that? What an absolute stud. Yeah, for sure. And I know dads don't say things are right and they often in moments of emotional challenge they reach into their toolkit and there's just like a chisel in there and a hammer and that's all they got in there. Yeah. But here what how old is your dad?
Um, he'll be uh he'll be 54 this summer.
Okay. a a a mid50s man reaching into his bag and trying to grab for a tool and saying to his daughter, "I am here for you as much or as little as you need." Yeah. I don't mean to say this. I don't mean to give anybody a pass, but that's about as great of an answer a 55-year-old man can give. Yeah. I won't solve this from you. I won't take this from you, but the moment you want me to help carry it, I'm here. Yeah. And he's he's been really great throughout the whole thing and even though I was terrified to tell him.
Yeah. Um, so eventually I reached out to my biological father and I just had some questions, you know, like did you know about me? Did you choose not to to be in my life? Do I have a you know, genetic disposition for cancer or you know what I mean? Just the what did you find out?
Um, well, according to him, we only die young if we get hit by a train because I guess his uncle got hit by a train and he thought he was being funny. Um, he didn't know about me. He did remember my mom because her first name is his last name and it was kind of out of character for him, too. It was a one night stand at a party and he, you know, he just, it sticks out in his memory, but he did not know about me.
Do you believe him?
Um, I I do I do after having met him um he's definitely that would be out of character. He he's actually a good person. Like it's worked out best case scenario for you know how this could have gone.
That's a Dude, that's just I don't hear that story very often. So that's awesome. And I'm assuming I'm hoping that he's like, "Oh my gosh, I have a daughter and we have so much to catch up on." And you feel like, like you mentioned, you're betraying your the guy that was your ride or die and the mom that stood in thestead of your mother and who chose a different path and different boyfriends, a different life, and you're worried about how to tell your kids.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, at the end of our first conversation, I was like, you know, you have a family, you have a whole life. I understand if you don't ever want to talk again. I just needed to ask these questions. And he was like, "Oh, no. Absolutely not. Like, if you're interested, I would most certainly like to become a part of your life."
Okay. So, I want you to hear the question you really asked him. Now that you've met me, do you want to know me? And he said, "You're my daughter." Damn right I do. Yeah. Mom didn't answer the question that way. No. Your stepdad. I mean, your your your the guy you called dad did. Your bio dad did when they given a shot. Yeah. In a messy messy messy situation. What a I can't think of a greater response by the two men in your life. Yeah. And that doesn't feel super great all the time. Have you wandered around asking if you're an accident on on the planet? Why am I here? Oh. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That is something that Okay. Because I knew you know that got married because of me.
How old are your kids?
Um, they're eight and six.
If you ever wonder why am I here, get on a knee and look both of them in the eye and put your hands on their face and put your forehead on their forehead and just whisper to them, "Y'all are why." Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It was definitely that question has plagued me my whole life.
I know. You know, I know and I made sure that my children, you know, like when you have parents who do things wrong, you always try to overcorrect. And so, you know, I I made sure that the conception of my children was intentional and that, you know, I wanted them and that I was ready for them. And
Good, good, good, good. All right. So, here's how old are your kids right now?
They're eight and six right now. And they're kind of putting two and two together. Um, like Yeah. Not as much as you think they are. Okay. Okay, cool. Um, have they gone to meet Bodad yet?
Yeah. Yeah, we we've gotten to know them pretty well. We've visited them in Missouri and they've come here and we've gone on trips together and
Oh, wow. Okay. So, y'all Okay. So, maybe they are starting to be like, "Hey, you look like that guy." Yeah. Why do you call that guy dad? Why do you call Yeah. Why do you call him dad?
Yeah. Okay. Do they know about that your mom is sick?
Nope. Your biom? Nope. Okay. That's the words I would use. Okay. The woman who's my real mommy was really sick when I was little and she made me very, very unsafe. Why? What happened? That's a grown-up conversation. But she made me very very unsafe. And my dad came and rescued me. And my mom, she filled in the gap. People are good. Yeah. And I found out later that the man that rescued me, I thought he was my I thought he was my birth dad. He's not. This guy actually is. What? So, I get two dads? Okay. What? I get two dads and I get two moms. And as they get older and they begin to ask more sophisticated questions, then you get a little more sophisticated in your answers. Okay. I want you
to do something really weird. Are you standing up right now? No. Okay. Okay, stand up real quick. Stand up and literally wiggle your arms. Shake them out. Just shake them out. Okay. Will you hear me directly when I say this? Okay. Okay. You're a great freaking mom and none of this has been your fault. And you are here to break a cycle of an entire family system. And the good Lord has smiled on you and given you two dads. Jeez Louise, man. If I could hug those two dudes, they're not perfect. Of course, they're goofballs, but they said when they saw you, they're like, "I'm in." Yes. And the only thing you can change about your story is what happens next. And I want you to start with you and your husband get together, maybe go for a breakfast like I always tell everybody do. And I want you to write out here's what will be true with our kids. They will always know they can come home. My kids will always know that there is no question that I'm that's too big for me. Even if my answer is, "I don't know." Yeah. Always know that they're loved and they'll know there's nothing wrong with their bodies and this is how bodies work, 'cause bodies are awesome. Yeah. And for whatever it's worth, my nine-year-old the other day, there was a neighbor who just had a a baby through by via C-section and my daughter said, "What's that thing on?" She had like a wrap on. She was outside and I said, "Oh, she had a C-section. You know, normally how baby comes out of your vagina, but this one she had to have surgery and she's like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." And she goes, "Oh, that's sex." And I go, "Yes, and don't forget sex is awesome." And she's like, "Okay, I'm trying to completely demystify it in my house." Yeah. But more importantly, I want my daughter to know there's nothing my dad won't talk to me about. Yeah. Cool. Cool. You are an amazing amazing woman. It's It's a highlight of my of my week to get to talk to you. Thank you so so much for the call.
Hey, it's Deloney for Organifi. I talk to people every day who feel overwhelmed. And I don't just mean emotionally. They're physically and mentally worn out. They're anxious, not sleeping well. They feel foggy and disconnected. And most of them are trying to push through with a combination of coffee and willpower. Can we all just agree what you're doing probably isn't working? Redlining your body every minute of every day is burning you and everyone you love to the ground. That's where Organifi comes in. Organifi makes organic superfood blends and gummies that are designed to support your body, your mind, and even your emotions and not just set everything else on fire. Just mix Organifi superfood blends with water and you're good to go. For me, that's green juice in the morning for focus and red juice in the morning and the afternoon for clean energy without the crash. And I love my happy drops to boost my mood and the Sheillegit gummies that help me feel like a laser beam. Most people don't have to overhaul their entire life to just start feeling better. You have to listen to your body and make some small daily choices. And you can start with my friends at Organifi. Go to organifi.com/deloney and use code deloney to save 20% off. That's 20% off everything with code deloney at o r g a n i f i organifi.com/daloney.
All right, so we're back and if you're watching this on YouTube, you can see I'm wearing my beloved Astros hat. And if you've listened to this show all the way back beginning, you know I'm a an obsessive baseball fan and I grew up in Houston and I'm an Astros fan. And then you also know that I've been sad all year because they traded away everybody. And if you're listening to this, I just kind of explained it all to you. And if you're watching this, you also see that I got this rad dude named Will next to me. And Will, why are you here, man? Yeah, I appreciate being here. My name is Will General. I'm director of marketing of the Nashville Stars. And it is our goal to pave the way for Major League Baseball to come here to Middle Tennessee playing here in Nashville. So, we're working, all of us are working to get a baseball team in Nashville, Tennessee. This is a big moment for me. So, what are we doing here, man? Yeah, I mean, we are building our fan base one by one, brick by brick, and we are very excited to welcome you to the fold. And like you can see, it's time for me to make the hat swap, dude. So, and by the way, you're a Yankees fan, so there's no love loss with my stro. I am a Yankees fan. That day that um the Nashville Stars beat the New York Yankees will be the day that I turn over my fandom for good. It's time for me to take off this Astros hat though and admit that I live in Nashville and take on this Nashville Stars cap, baby. So, it's time. Here we go. Oh yeah. Come on. It even feels good, man. Well, Will, thank you, my brother. I appreciate you being here. I appreciate you having me, man. And hey, Major League Baseball, let's get on it, dude. Let's get a team here in Nashville so we can beat the Yankees again and again and again. Fair. Let's do it. Hey, that's the show. Appreciate you guys. Love y'all. Don't do drugs. Stay in school. Peace out. Late. [Music]