Transcription
Foreign, let's go out to uh Utah and talk to Brother Ryan. What's up, Ryan?
Hello, Don. How are you doing today?
I'm doing great, man. How about you?
I'm doing really well. Excellent, excellent. What's up? Well, today I came to, what did you hear the question? I'm wondering, uh, how do I eliminate unhealthy, emotionally charged behaviors in my relationships with my family and significant others when I'm hurt and frustrated?
Oh man, how old are you? Uh, I'm 21.
21. What's emotional charge? What does that look like in real life?
Well, I want to give you a little bit of background on this, okay? So, uh, when I was eight years old, my parents ended up splitting up. That means my memories of them are from about five to eight years old of them being together, and these memories include them fighting, name-calling, yelling, screaming, and yelling at each other. And that's, you know, what I learned to be normal. And, um, basically, I noticed I have the same tendency with my family today, and even my girlfriend. And I just, you know, they, these, these were my normal relationship, uh, situations. And so, how do I fix that?
Oh man, how, how much honesty can you handle today?
Uh, I think I can handle a lot.
A little bit or a lot? Are you, are you, if, if I lay it on pretty good, will we still be friends?
I'm open to it. Yes.
Okay. Um, you mentioned the word "tendency" a lot. I want to throw that word out and never use it again, okay? Your parents, um, beat each other up physically and metaphorically. I mean, in, in psychologically and emotionally, okay? That happened. You saw all of that. And you also, even at a young age, knew that's not right. It scared you. It's all the only picture you had, but you knew it wasn't right. And so I want to fast forward to your 21-year-old. You're an adult, and screaming and yelling and carrying on and being over-emotional with someone that you care about, with anybody, much less your girlfriend. I want to take Mom and Dad out now, okay? I don't want to continue to call back to, "Well, this is just, I know it's just a tendency." No, you're screaming and yelling and being abusive to your girlfriend. Stop. Is that fair?
I think so. Yes.
Okay. I know. So tell me why you're struggling because, you know, this hurts her. You don't feel good after you're done screaming and hollering and acting the fool. Why do you continue to do it? What does it get you?
Uh, you know, it doesn't get me anywhere and it hurts me too. But in the moment, it just feels so natural.
I guess it gets you something. What is it? Although you wouldn't keep doing it.
Um, I guess that puts me in a position of power over her sometimes.
Okay. And that keeps you from feeling small and little and scared like that five-year-old little boy was when Mom and Dad were screaming and smashing things. Does your girlfriend deserve to be treated like this?
No, she doesn't.
Anybody wanna change it? Nobody goes. Okay, your parents cannot change your situation in the present. So let's stop talking about them. We know we've done the tracing, we know where it's from. And now he's got to come to the present. How, um, how in are you on making a change here?
I'm in 100%.
It's hard because power is a, a really, really, um, seductive mistress. Like, if you told me you wanted to quit lying or quit, uh, cheating or quit, like, man, that's easier than turning off the addiction to this temporary feeling of power and strength.
Yes, for sure.
So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna create a new identity starting right this second, okay? From this point forward, Ryan is a guy who never yells. Ryan is a guy who never screams, who's never emotionally abusive. That's not the kind of guy you are. That's not who you are. Those are things that you never do. Say it.
I will never do those things.
You're talking now. See, you skipped a step. You went straight to actions. I don't want. I want identity. I'm a guy who, fill in the blank. Use your own words, not mine.
I'm a guy who loves people and treats them well.
Nope. Because I, you can love people and treat them well and also lose your mind and throw a temper tantrum and screaming. You, who are you? Who are you gonna be from this point forward?
I guess someone who, no, no, no. Guessing. Say it. Carl Ramrod. Say it.
I'm a guy who's gonna take care to make sure I'm mindful of people's emotions and take care of my own self.
Oh my gosh. Could you say it any more like me? Ryan, I'm a guy who does not scream at anybody ever, ever, ever. I'm a guy who doesn't ever raise his voice because I'm not a child. I'm a man who will not scream because I'm not a child anymore. Okay, I'm a man who will love my girlfriend, my future wife. I love my kids with a deep respect. I'm never going to take that from them by trying to be overly powerful. You don't have to say all that, but you get what I'm saying. This is going to take an entire identity change because if you just try to change actions, what you're going to do is what most dads do, most husbands do, most boyfriends do, and you're just gonna channel it somewhere else. What do I mean by that? Instead of screaming and yelling and being all angry, you're gonna just bury it deep inside your chest like a nuclear reactor, and everyone in the house is gonna know you're in a bad mood, but you're not gonna say anything. And then if she says, "Are you okay? What's wrong?" You're gonna get all mad, "Why are you always bothering me about me being in a bad mood? I'm fine. You're the one that keeps nagging me." See what I'm saying? It's the same exact thing. One is just done with silence, and one is done with volume. So we're not going to focus so much right this second on just doing a couple of things differently. We're going to change who we are. And that starts with a proclamation. I will never yell at a person again. If that means in the middle of a fight or a middle of a disagreement or I feel it welling up inside of me, I'm gonna look at her and say, "I need five minutes." And you just sprint out the front door and go for a walk. That's what you're gonna do. That means you drop and do 20 push-ups. If that means you take a knee and you say, "Will you hold my hand?" That means if you say, "No more talking. I need, I need, we need to finish this tomorrow because I'm a guy who never yells." So like one of my core, I'm a guy who doesn't borrow money. I just don't borrow money. And so, "Hey, we need this thing." Well, we're not going to get this thing. We have to figure out another way to do it. I'm gonna have to go sell something. I'm gonna have, fill in the blank. I'm gonna take on another job. I'm gonna have to take another shift. I might take another speaking gig because I'm a guy who doesn't borrow money. So that means I've got to figure out another avenue. I've taken it completely off the table. So that's the level of, of identity shift. Okay, so that's number one. Number two, you have to decide, I'm going to catch myself when the feelings begin, and I'm going to take myself out of that situation. I'm gonna ask myself, "What is my body trying to protect me from?" I can almost guarantee you, your body is trying to protect you from feeling powerless ever again because you felt it when you were a kid and you never want to feel it again. Am I right or wrong?
You're correct.
Yeah, part of being in a relationship is sometimes being, um, the feeling small. It's part of it. And the way to rebalance the power, or the, not the power, the way to rebalance your relationship is not ripping somebody else down by their hair and bringing them down below you. That's not it. Sometimes it's just standing up. You get that?
So give me, give me, play it out for me. Play out the scenario. Um, what, what's the last, when's the last time you yelled and screamed and found yourself just in a rage? What happened?
I don't know. Like, something happened recently. That's what you're calling, right? It's been a little, it's been a little while. But, um, yeah, I guess I guess a situation that I have is like, um, I was, uh, we're gonna clean up her car, right? And, um, she had another option from one of her friends who was going to go to help her, but she wasn't like figuring it out. And I kind of just lost it. I raised my voice. I didn't yell or anything. I raised my voice for sure about cleaning the car. Yeah. I know. So stupid.
What about it? What about that moment made you raise your voice? What were you trying to communicate?
I guess I was trying to say that I'm trying to, you know, do something for her, um, and when she has another option but is not exploring it or trying to help me with that, I was like, I feel like I don't know what to do. And that was my first response was to raise my voice and get frustrated.
There, I don't think your first response is to raise your voice to get frustrated with her. I think your first response is to raise your voice so that you can get those, that your mom and your dad to look at you. "Well, somebody please look at me because I'm scared, I'm hurting, and Mom and Dad chose other options." And so when your girlfriend has another option, your body's just goes to terror mode. And you have to learn to be an adult and say, "We were scared when we were five, but now we're 21. Now I'm 22. Now I'm 30. Now I'm 40. I don't kick and scream like a child anymore." I acknowledge, "Whoa, whenever she has another option, it makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel less than, man. The elders, I need to choose enough to to work on that to not feel like that. I need to reach back out and say, 'Hey, you have a million options. I'd love to help you with your car. If you don't want my help, that's great. I'm gonna go do something else.' That's you choosing peace, not choosing war." You get the difference?
Yes, sir.
Do you want that?
Of course, I want that.
I've got somebody that just loves chaos. They just love it, man. Like they're content to die like just in chaos. And I don't understand it. I'm, I'm just always wanting more and more peaceful life. Um, here's the thing that's worked for me. When I feel my body taken off on me, I literally will take my open hand and put it on my chest. I'll take a deep breath and I will ask myself, "What is my body trying to protect me from?" It is almost never, it's almost never my wife. It's almost never my kids. It's almost always a feeling of, "I'm feeling powerless. I'm feeling less than. I'm feeling not important." And that's my issue, not theirs. That's my issue, not theirs. Sounds like you spent a long time, a lot of years, blaming your late teen and early adulthood behaviors and actions and choices on your parents. Let's don't do that anymore. As Jocko says, let's take full ownership. Let's take extreme ownership. I'm Ryan. I'm 21 years old. I'm an adult. I'm old enough to buy beer. From this point forward, I'm a guy who treats people with dignity and respect. From this point forward, I'm a guy who never raises his voice because only children raise their voice unless they're trying to keep somebody from falling off a bridge or getting hit by a car or something. I don't raise my voice. It's not who I am. It's not how I solve problems. And I'm a guy that when my body starts to think off on me, I feel it and I own it. And by the way, this is just me being vulnerable and honest. On Sunday, man, I was grumpy. I wasn't feeling. I was just feeling low, just like a bum. Um, it takes a second. My son and I, um, I, my daughter got a trampoline for Christmas and it's been sitting in the garage. I haven't had time to fix it. And my son has been asking, "Can we get that up? Go get that up?" And I wanted to. I wanted a break. My son comes be-bopping and, "Dad, can we put up the trampoline today?" And I was like, "You know what? Fine. Let's just do it now." He's like, "And he said, 'Whoa, it's okay, Dad. We have to do it today.'" He knew it. He could feel it on me. I was like, "No, you keep asking. Let's just get this done." We went outside and I was grumpy. We got it done. I never raised my voice. I never yelled, never got mad, but I was, I was a nuclear reactor. And then yesterday was Monday. My son got home from school and he was walking through like, "Hey, Dad." And I just said, "Hold on. Come here. Come here. Come here." He said, "What happened?" And he kind of froze like he was in trouble. And I said, "Hey, you are not in trouble." And I grabbed both sides of his face with my hands and I held his face and I said, "Yesterday, I was really just in a mood. Had nothing to do with you. That was about me. One of my favorite things about you is you kept kept asking, 'Hey Dad, can we do something together? Can we do something together? Can we build this thing?' Because I know our family is going to love having the trampoline back out there. Can we do this thing together? Thank you for not giving up on me, son. My grumpiness was about me, not you." I was so fun getting to put that together with you. And he said, "Thanks, Dad." And he went to the next room. I said, "I was sorry. You're gonna have to say you're sorry a lot, Ryan, because you're practicing a whole new way of life." Let me tell you, every second of it is worth it. Put the effort in. When you're 23, 24, you're not gonna be this guy anymore because you're gonna have practiced. You can have worked on it. You're gonna have grinded, scraped your knuckles up here, but you're gonna be a guy who doesn't yell and scream. You're gonna be a guy who owns his feelings, treats people with dignity and respect, and is the person you're gonna be. The person who changes the family curse forever. It's not gonna be fun, but it's gonna be worth it.