Transcription
Well, you've made it to session number four. Congratulations! What we're about to learn today is one of the most important tools in creating change in someone. We're going to talk about leverage.
But first, how was your assignment? Did you find someone and elicit their model of the world? If you did, congratulations. If you didn't, you know what Tony always says: stop the audio right now and go back and do it. This program is not just about gaining knowledge; it's about doing it. Something I always tell my clients is that there's a huge difference between knowing about something and knowing how to do something. And that is what learning is about. Learning is about increasing your ability to be able to do something in a different way to lead to a different outcome. So if you know about something but nothing has changed, then you haven't learned it.
Okay, if you're still with me, I'm assuming you did your assignment. So, great job today.
Step number two of the seven master steps: Obtain leverage. Getting leverage is when you find a bargain point to make change a must, and you move a person towards a more empowering action. When you get leverage, you help a person find a strong enough reason to change immediately. If a person's got strong enough reasons to want to change, they can change anything. As Tony said earlier in the program, "Change is never a matter of ability, but always a matter of motivation." Everybody has a point of leverage, and it will be different depending on the person and the situation. Remember the prior session where we talked about the model of the world? Well, different models of the world and different filters of how people experience the world lead to different points of leverage. Leverage must be immediate: immediate pain to not changing now, and immediate pleasure for changing now. It's like a curse. Once people experience the potential pleasure for changing now, they feel that there's no other way out than changing. Your job is to find that unique leverage point for a person where the pain is immediate and severe, and the pleasure is great. That's the way you're going to serve them.
The first part of today's session is about global solutions. You will learn what to do when a person is failing to change and how to look at the ways they are meeting their six needs as a leverage point for bringing about change.
In our second session for today, Tony is going to share with you an incredibly powerful skill called framing. You will learn pre-framing, reframing, and de-framing. These skills can really help you get leverage on someone, and I think you will find they're also just really great skills to use in general. So, let's begin with Tony explaining global solutions.
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A global solution is when people are failing to change. When people are in pain, is that the number one thing that's going to make a change? Yes or no? Change is the way to get out of pain, primarily. The reason they don't let go of the pain is because they have some belief system that this pain, at some level, meets their needs. Like, "Well, I don't want us not being angry, because if I don't get angry, I'll keep getting taken advantage of, and I'll have even more uncertainty. This won't work, and no one will pay attention to me, and I'll feel totally insignificant. It'll make no progress, and I won't get any growth." It's a typical example. So they don't let go of it. The reason they don't change is because they think changing their state from pain to pleasure would take away something that's meeting their needs. What's the number one need that people meet by being in pain all the time? Connection with themselves. If I walk around, if I'm giving, giving, giving everybody else, and I walk around, I'm all sad inside, even if you don't notice, maybe I'll get some attention. Maybe if I'm, if I walk around that way, maybe you'll give me some attention and some love. But I notice I finally have given something back to me, for God's sake. So I'm finally making me important, even if it is painful. The second thing is certainty. Because once a person does it, after a while, they know that they can go there. It doesn't matter what happens. So in order to get people to make a shift, get out of pain and pleasure, people give it the pain when they find what I call a global solution: something they value more than the pain. Something they value more than the pain. Does that make sense? When you find something you value more than the pain? So, for example, I can be really, really upset about something. But for me, personally, my global solution, I know, like I look at the worst times of my life, the most painful thing, the thing that will always pull me out is if I can figure something out of that. My belief is, if I can find something out of that experience, I'm not the only one who ever experienced this pain. If I figure out what it is, I figure how to solve it, I can share it with millions of people and make the whole world better. So what does it do? I value making things better for the world much more than hanging out in my pain. So I will trade that pain that fast for the opportunity to refocus, find an empowering meaning out of this that furthers my ultimate objective in life. So it's really important to know what pulls you out. Some of you will do this. Your, your global solution is your children. You won't do it for you, but your children are something you value even more than the pain. You know, like, "God, I'm in pain, but if I let my kids see myself in pain, oh my God, that'll make them so upset." So I can't be upset. So during that time, they won't be upset as long as their kids are around. So do they have the ability to be out of pain? You bet. But they only do it when they have a global solution. When they have something they value more than the pain that they're in.
Okay, so if you're going to help somebody and you're looking for leverage, the leverage can be found in which of the needs they value most, because you can show them how they're missing out or losing. Or something. Like, if you say to somebody, "You got to stop smoking, because I tell you what, people die of the stuff. You're going to die of cancer." Well, some significance-driven, certainty-driven achiever is going to go, "George Burns smoked till he was, you know, 202 years old. Okay, 99.999% of the population dies, but George Burns did it. So you're going to be one of those, right?" That won't get them. What if you say, "John, you know, um, you know, Mike Eisner was talking the other day about people smoking and stopping, talking about how he cannot stand that. He thinks people like that are weak." And for him, it's like that, that, and I just want to warn you, fine. That person will freak out about this. It'll be in their head. They'll be going crazy because significance is what they value more. So that's where the wound is to move them to change.
When you're dealing with some of these people, you're going to have to get them to change initially, and then turn change into progress. Once you get them moving, now we can start to define what they want. So very often, what I do is I start out with change. I use the environment that's stimulating and I find the leverage. I do whatever else. But if you watch my work, my work is not NLP, okay? I'm going to solve this little problem now. You don't have the phobia anymore, right? So you do that. But then you take that and you turn it into progress by expanding their model of the world. By instead of just adapting something or eliminating something, let's do something bigger that produces a greater result. And now I start to find out what do they want. Figure out where they need to go. Start to build things that will keep them consistently moving in that direction on an ongoing basis, not just when the pain is present. But if I got to make the change initially, I look for something they value more than their pain.
So the most powerful example I can tell you was years ago on Date With Destiny, Hawaii, many years ago. And I was doing this therapy on somebody. And and this woman, maybe you remember the story. It was had 52 personality splits. So I had to understand her model of the world. Like, what's making this work in my head? It's racing. Everything people do, they need to meet six needs. She's splitting personalities. Meet which needs? Then I went through, quick, I read over the questionnaire. She was locked up. First of all, she was sexually abused by a father. And then when she tried to tell somebody, he put her in a mental institution, in the male institution. They drugged her every day. And the doctor who drugged her sexually abused her on a consistent basis. So I immediately go, "Okay, why would somebody split personalities?" One, dissociation. Right? She's trying to, there's no way out of pain. You're trapped, strapped down, and being screwed over, literally. The only way to get out of pain is it's not you, somebody else. And then the problem with that is, if you've ever done a phobia cure, some people, suppose you're so intense, you have to do double dissociation. Right? Because one's not enough. So you do the second one. I've had some people had to pull out 10 people before I could get them out. But I did it right. Other people gave up. They said, "I tried that phobia thing, didn't work." Well, you didn't do it intensely enough. You didn't have enough of the outcome clear. And keep changing your behavior. Just did the same thing. So the bottom line is, I look at this and I go, "Okay, now why else would you do it?" What other need would you make? First, certainty. They can get out of pain. What certainty? Certainly, you can be comfortable. You can be out of pain. It's a base need. What else would you get? Variety. You're sitting in bed all day long with nothing to do, drugged out. You need some entertainment. So you create movies. And the best movies, the ones where you forget you're in a movie theater, you think you're actually it, aren't they? So I'm going, she's getting variety from this. What else? You get significance. She went on this big deal about she was the first one of the first 10 MPDs, multiple personality disorders, in the whole country. I should go through this whole thing here. What else? You get connection, because people pay attention to her, right? Significance on a major scale. She's walking the doctor's office. She goes, she's like, "Go in that office." And I say, "Doctor, I'm going to pee on your couch." Right? So she had that. What else would you get? She had a sense of growth and contribution. They were studying her all the time. All her needs are being met by being this way. So the only way to get her out is I've got to find something she values more. You guys follow me? I've got to increase pain, link pain to this behavior, and find something she values more. So there's something to go after. So I could start to make some, what's this called? Make some progress. You see the difference? If you just try to change them through pain alone, it won't last unless you can find a new target for them to go after.
So when she started splitting personalities, going nuts in the room, and people were freaking out, she was like doing all this stuff. It was bizarre, right? And I just slowly stayed centered. What is that? Staying totally balanced. And they go together. What? Certainty. When you go in a certain state, you get balanced, don't you? So I was totally certain. So I just said to her, I let her talk. And I said, "Listen, I know you believe all these personalities, and I think they're very colorful. But I said, I know you are married, whatever name was, right? And I said, I just want to know, I want to compliment you. I know all about your history. I said, you are an amazing woman. This adaptive behavior, isn't that what that was, right? She kept changing to figure out how, in the short term, to get what she wanted. But she created a system that, in the long term, was destroying her life. It's the same thing, right? Because she hasn't changed the full system, she just adapted little pieces of it." So I said, "You create a system of brilliant. I mean, what you've been through, being sexually abused, being tied down, I mean, look what you got." I started saying, "You were able to survive that. Most people never survived that." Now, what am I meeting? What need am I meeting by saying this? Great. Which, by the way, I noticed earlier, the MPD thing, everything else, like she wanted attention, she wanted significance above all else, right? Apparently, apparently it's significance. But I know inherently, it's really love, because that's what it is for everybody, okay? Because those are two primary fears, and they do go together. So I said, "I said, amazing, you're able to do this. I mean, brilliant. And I said, you're able to entertain yourself." And start going through all the way she's meeting your needs, everything else. And she's like, "Continue the behavior." Because why change? All I'm doing is reinforcing that what she's done is so brilliant, right? So she said, "I said, but there's one problem. I said, you're here for a reason. The reason is you're in pain." You know, it's quiet. What am I doing? I'm starting over here. I'm going to hammer this out of her. Because if I just say, "Let's make some progress. Let's build the life you really want. Let's create all these wonderful little things." White people, that's not going to work. Because when people are in that place, they have no certainty that that's possible. That's not even the frame of reference they are. I got to start with some hammers. I got to drill into her soul and move her. Once she's moving, I can get momentum towards progress.
So I say to her, I say, "Okay, I said, but you're in pain." I pause. Right now, what happens? What happens when I say that? I'm intense. My voice like that. There's a reason you're here because you're in pain. I'm quiet. Now, what immediately? Tell me, what happens if I said that to you? What would happen? Search. You'd search. You'd search for what? You'd search for your pain. Somebody else? What would you do? A master would search for the pain. What would a mismatcher do? No way on me. Pain. No matter who it is. Once I keep introducing it, you will begin to have to answer my what questions. I said, "What are you in pain about?" I said, "Don't tell me." What does that do? She mismatches, right? Because I see she's a mismatcher. So she immediately wants to tell me. It's also a significant thing. You tell somebody who's significant-driven not to do something? Screw you, I'm doing it. Mismatches are significant-driven, in case you haven't figured out. Very significant-driven. That's what they're doing. Or they're certainty-driven. But they usually are one of the two, and they're usually tied together. Sometimes significant certainty, sometimes certainty significance. When you think of those, the six needs is the top two. So I know that's what it is. So I say, "So what are you really in pain about? Don't tell me." Right? So what's this doing? Just screwing with her fiercely, right? I said, "I'll tell you. I said, yes, it's true. You got this. Yes, it's true. It is. Yes, you got this. Yes, you got this. But here's the real problem. No one can love you because they're scared of you because they don't know who you are. One won't be this next morning with that. They're scared. They can't take care of. They can't do this, though." So what you really have done is created such uncertainty in the people around you that they don't even know how they can love you. So they may give you sympathy, they don't even give you attention, but it's not love, and you know it. And there is a difference. You start to cry. Boom. So now I've got the opening, right?
So I started saying to her, I said, "You know, you change these personalities." I walk through all these different details. I won't give you the whole story. But one thing I said is, "If you like children." She said, "Yes." So you know why children have all kinds of identities? They're not locked into one identity. "I'm Superman." No, you're not. "Show me the S." That's not because I go, "Yeah, I'm Batman. I'm Superman." Oh, I'm Superman. I said, "You belong with children. They're still fully alive, and they're able to create anything." I said, "Have you ever, you know, written any story?" She said, "No." I said, "Sure. Yeah, millions of them. I said, you're unbelievably creative. I said, you love chicks. I love children. Why? Children represent no threat to her sense of certainty or her what? Significance, right? People like are all emotional about animals and children because that's who they see themselves. They see themselves totally vulnerable. And those are the only people they can be around, the things they can be around. They don't feel hurt by because it doesn't threaten their needs." So I said, "You know, maybe what you got to do is write children's books." And so now I'm starting to create what? The potential of real what? Progress. But I also know that she's got so much hamburger in here, I gotta break this pattern. And I gotta find something she values more than the pain. And what is the pain given her primarily above all else? It's really not giving her love. And I said, "It doesn't even give you certainty anymore because now you can't remember where you left your keys. You're not sure." And it's a lot of work to manage all this. I said, "Isn't it?" Well, yeah, it is. I said, "So it makes you uncertain, not just the people around you. It makes you uncertain. It's not something that connects and loves you. You're not really growing anymore by having other people analyze you. That was over a long time ago." Except I could see your start going, "I'm one of the first MPDs." I said, "Yeah, how many are there now?" I said, "I'm a dozen. But I was one of the first ones." I said, "Now that there's so many of them, that's like saying I was in the first dysfunctional family." Who remembers that person? I see. Here's the truth. You think you're significant. I don't know. I said, "There's plenty of MPDs." But I said, "You know, and Diane Sawyer was there with whatever that show was, what they were doing at the time, what was it called? Prime Time Live, right? Big show, national television." She's filming, which I, I was freaking. When I started, this is a good example of change. I turned into progress because this one started splitting. I had her there to cover this CEO because I wanted to show who our market is. It's not just people are broken like that. Hey, camera goes right there. So now I gotta find a way to what? That what that use that to achieve my outcomes. Do you follow me on this? Which I did. It ended up being one of the most powerful things that could have happened because they followed up this woman, and she never went back up. They didn't do the show until a year after that Date With Destiny, and followed up with her psychiatrist. She should never split again. It's like I was going, "I don't know. I can't explain it." Right? Gave me total credibility, more than any way if they'd sat down there and looked at them.
So change isn't a bad thing as long as you use it and turn it into progress. It's your job to turn change into progress. That's what a leader does. A leader not only makes progress because whatever it is you set up your objective, the minute you set that as the objective, there's going to be all kinds of changes that are going to occur to keep you from making that progress. And your job is take those changes and convert those. Utilize those. Utilization is the single most important skill of any leader other than rapport, right? You gotta be able to utilize whatever happens and move it towards your objective. My objective is make this one better, make the environment better, make it in my larger objective, make the world better. And this camera is one of the ways to do that.
So I turned to this woman, the camera was rolling, right? And she realized the camera's going. I said, "You know what? MPDs are a dime a dozen. But you know something? They all claim they can't change. I said, 'Hey, you know what? Isn't it pathetic that people can't change?' Who really are in charge?" I say, "You know what's really amazing? I don't think there's ever been one that could do it in less than 60 seconds on national television." I said, "Are you that significant?" And she saw, like I said, "Probably not." Bring the camera over here. And she's like, "Well, no." And all I did was keep reinforcing her along the way until I got something she valued more. She valued significance, but significance that would also bring her not only significance, but love and contribution and certainty to her life, and a new kind of variety. This is a 50-person. I was real boring at this point. And she shifted, and she never went back. And all he did was condition her with a new identity. When she started to go back to the old triad, because all that was a triad, a series of them, right? You know what I'm talking about here? There was a specific set of what she was using. 52 of them. She had 52 triads. Literally. Now, you probably have a lot of them too, but hers were distinct with identities attached to them. So each of these triads, or primary triads, constellations of triads, honestly, because each of those personalities had a series of states within them. Each of these constellations, these triads, they all had a name. So all I did was keep breaking the association and that's her to that's a pattern. And whenever I'd always reinforce her, Beverly, whatever I came up, her name, Beverly, whatever it was, and I'd reinforce her, reinforce her, and give her so much attention, so much love, so much acknowledgement for the change. So it was conditioned.
But see, change versus progress is not semantics. It's the difference between having a short-term benefit that ultimately limits your life, or creating a system that gives you ongoing joy and happiness and fulfillment. Date With Destiny is about creating a system that can guarantee ongoing progress in your life. It's not about completion. It's not about, "I go through four days and now my life is perfect." Because your life was perfect, you'd be bored, right? It's about, "How can I take whatever life gives me and show myself that my self-esteem is so high, not from an ego perspective, self-esteem that kills, or whatever life gives me, I can turn it to my favor, or I can find an empowering meaning in it."
I'll give you one more quote. First part of this quote, I've said before. Second part hit me the other day. First part: simple stress, pain as a result of making things more important than they really are. Because when you put something in its perspective of a year from now, five years now, 20 years now, I mean, you know, 400 million, 80 million, no million. And everything in your life changes overnight when suddenly somebody next to you says they got cancer that you love, or you go and see that everything changes. Your best friend gets hit by a car. Life changes, doesn't it? The question is, what are you going to do with that change? Because a lot of people are coming here with these massive changes, but they haven't figured out how to utilize them towards something they want. And the challenge is, they can't figure out how to use it. Some things are going to require faith. Some things are going to be, "Gosh, you know, my ability to let go of this becomes a model for others." If they're contribution-oriented, their significance-oriented, their certainty, or you will never, ever have your life back again until you make this change. You follow me? You've got to find the leverage for them. What do they value more?
So the first part of the quote is, "Stress or pain as a result of making things more important than they really are." That I've known. I have to remind myself that because I tend to be real serious about making everything I want. And so part of what's great is I've made progress by also going to that place where my model of the world, as I said, has always been about here, love, love, love, love, and then not necessarily taking it back. I never admitted that to myself before, but it was true. It was even more than that. It's like I make everything so important, right? That's my passion, my intensity. It's a huge part of my identity, who I am as a person. But the update of my model of the world is also going to step back and go, "This is, we're a speck of dust in the middle of nothing." Like I see the one human being, as you can tell by how hard I work and how much I give in terms of the patience of jobs, or some people that you wish I just shut up and sit down. The, um, after the fourth hour, you haven't eaten anything, but I have that patience because I see the value of one soul is the whole world for me. But then also, there are places where I'm making something so important that it's useful to also step back and go, "For this much of time, your entire lifetime, is this despicable?" There are things up in the sky right now you think are stars. They've been gone for a million years. It's nice to do that. Now, if you stay there, you have no life. You guys follow me on this? That's the balance again in your life. And if I'm going to have a balance, an imbalance, I'm going to move towards the passionate side. But there are times when it's there. But here's the other part. While I might here on that side, here's where most people, I think, err that we deal with outside of this environment, at least. And that is, while stress is a result to make things more important than they really are, failure is the result of making things not as important as they really are. Failure as a result of making things not as important as they really are. Like, what you eat from your dinner table tonight. Ah, it doesn't matter. One day you wake up with a heart attack, cancer, stroke, exhausted, tired, fat, unhappy, right? It's because you didn't take things. You failed because you didn't make things as important as they really are. You lied to yourself. And most people have these imbalances. They're making things that really aren't important, very important. And things that are very important, not very important. That's one thing we want to shift. And that is the reprioritization of what you make important. So it gives you a chance to decide what's really going to hold yourself to in terms of this doesn't happen. It's painful because it makes sense too, because I need that drive because it's that important. And what things in my life are not that important? I'm not going to react to. I have to do it several times before I beat myself about. And that then provides the balance. And from that balance, there is a different level of power than a person would have anywhere else.
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So, does that make sense? Did you enjoy this part of the session? Let's do a brief recap before moving on to our final part of today's session. When you find a global solution, that means you help someone get out of pain and into pleasure by finding something they value more than pain.
Let me share with you two personal stories. I have a very close friend of mine whose wife cheated on him very recently. He came to me completely devastated, as you can imagine. And he was so angry that he told me he couldn't even connect and talk with his daughter. So he was full of anger. That was the current state where he was at. He was in full pain, and he felt that he was completely paralyzed. What made him shift was the realization that there was something more transcending or more meaningful in his mind, which is the point of leverage, than anger. He felt that unconditional love for his daughter was much more important than his anger. That didn't mean that he was not going to separate or that he was not going to get divorced eventually. But the fact that he felt this unconditional love for his daughter was much more transcending, and that was the key point of leverage. Once he experienced that, and that, by the way, came just as a result of me asking him questions. So I didn't, I didn't come out to him saying, "Well, what about unconditional love?" It was really just gently asking questions that him to realize that unconditional love was much more important to him than anger. He told me he felt he had no other way out but going running to his daughter to give her a huge hug. This is what leverage is about.
Let me give you another example. Let's go to the business world. I was recently working with the CEO of a very large organization, over a hundred thousand employees. He had a very loyal right arm who worked with him for, you know, many, many years. And there were some facts that were making him feel that he needed to fire this person. But he valued loyalty a lot. So he was in complete pain, puzzled by the situation, because he felt that it was going to be very disloyal to let this person go. It was only when he realized that there was a point of leverage, which was his real commitment to the mission of the organization, his real passion to be basically empowered by the shareholders to really make the mission of the company come true. When he realized that that was more important than anything else, he had the point of leverage right there. He felt that he was ready to go and make it happen. Now, he still wanted to make it happen in a loving way. So he realized there were many ways in which he could go and connect with this employee and let him go, but still preserving the integrity of the company and his commitment to embodying and fostering the mission of the company.
So, as you can see, regardless of whether it's in the business world, or when you connect with friends or family, you have an amazing opportunity to serve the people around you by really listening for them, really what their ultimate point of leverage is.
Now, let's move on to our last skill of the day, which is framing.
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If we want to create a change in somebody, we've got to remember what our major goal is: to change somebody. They always want to change one or two things: how they feel, or what they're doing, which we call their behavior. That's the only two things we want to change. And all behavior still comes back, and all feelings come back to changing their states. This is still the basic model of creating change. You've got this human being, and you want to change their behavior. What you're always going to go back to is, what's the state that they go into in that environment? What's the state they're in right now? And the two basic ways of changing again are change their what, or change their their focus. Now, remember, focus, or the way they're representing things in their mind. If you have somebody who is deathly afraid of, let's say, authority figures, you've got to change the feelings they associate to that. Are you going to change what authority figures mean to them? That's all it takes.
Now, why do I bring this up? Because a primary skill you're already using your life is changing the meaning for people. And we have three ways to do it. Jot them down in your notes. Three terms that I want you to remember. Some of you have been exposed to some of these before. They are pre-framing, pre-framing, re-framing, and de-framing. Pre-framing, reframing, and de-framing. The purpose of changing the frame of reference that someone is using is to change what something means to them.
Here's what pre-frame is: When you tell somebody in advance what to pay attention to and what it's going to mean when they notice it, when they see it, or when they hear it. Pre-framing is the most powerful way to influence the way people think that I know of. The most powerful people in influencing others spend most their time not on how to structure their requests, like how to ask for things, but the way they set things up in advance of the request. So what you and I need to understand is that if you really want to help someone to make a change, before you actually do the change work, is where you're going to really influence them the most. Before you ever open your mouth to try and actually make a change, is where we're going to influence them the most.
Now, how can we pre-frame people so they have tremendous expectancy for change? First of all, can doctors do this? Yes or no? Do they do it even if they don't know it? Yes or no? Absolutely. We've all heard of a placebo. You know what's interesting? Placebos are very powerful. Most people say, "Yeah, I've heard about that where you give somebody colored water and you make them, you know, believe that it's really a medicine, and their body heals." You wanna know what's even more exciting than that? You give somebody a real medicine and you tell them it's a different medicine, and their body responds as if it was a different medicine. I'll give you something real scary. There have been a tremendous amount of research studies done where they take people and they give them amphetamines. Specifically, they gave a group of medical students amphetamines, but they gave them in the form of a capsule that looks like a downer, like a barbiturate. So now, here's a chemical that must speed up your body's metabolism, right? Amphetamines are going to speed. It's going to speed you up. They give it to the doctors and they say, "Now, these are some of the best downers that we've ever created, barbiturates. These will relax your patients in a heartbeat. They'll just drop them right to the floor." You know something? In every case, in this one study, every single person's pulse dropped, body dropped. They responded exactly as if they're barbiturates when they're given amphetamines by a doctor who believed they were barbiturates. So guess what they did? They did the opposite. They turned around and he took a different group of doctors and they said, "Look, this stuff will hype your patient back up. They're out of it. You give them this, they're going to have the energy and the speed that they need." And they gave them barbiturates. And in each case, even though the body had been drugged to slow down, the person's physiology sped up. It's not just that our beliefs affect the response of a drug. Our beliefs are the drug. And what you and I have to know is the pre-framing we do, it's not so much what we do, it's the pre-frame that'll probably mean more to that person than even the interaction you do. See, you're strongly pre-framed here with me, right? Yes. Because it creates an expectancy in people. So when you're about to do something, think in terms of pre-framing. I'll tell you the best way to pre-frame. Pre-frame things where when you communicate something, we say, "Well, this probably, I don't know that this will make a big difference for you." If you take somebody skeptical, immediately say what you know they're thinking. Say, "You know what? I don't know if this really makes any sense for you. Probably doesn't. You know, it's very basic. But you know what? Why don't we try it?" And if you do that with somebody who thinks that way, will that build rapport? Yes or no?
Or if you know somebody wants a change and they're not skeptical, what would you say to pre-frame that person to get them in the right position to be able to make a change? You'd say, "You know what? What I'm going to do with you right now is the most powerful pattern I've ever developed. There's not one person who hasn't changed. You're going to love this. This is going to change your destiny." Now, what's happening? They're ready for the drug. It didn't matter what you did after that. If you got that with enough congruency, and they believed it, will that affect the way they represent anything you do inside their head? Therefore, what state they go into, what they do? Yes or no? You better believe it. So you got to remember, pre-framing is incredibly powerful.
Now, also, if you don't tell people what to notice, are there unlimited things they could notice about a situation? Yes or no? That's right. So you want to teach your clients what to notice in advance and what it's going to mean. By the way, when that happens, here's what it's going to mean. And then immediately, they'll create the meaning that you want them to, which is your job to direct the meaning for them. Otherwise, they can go all over the place. Can people take an experience that's very positive and interpret what it means in a way that's very negative? Yes or no? Absolutely. So I'm a master pre-framer. And my pre-framing, I'm always doing up front. I get people do anything because I frame it before I do it. And I frame it in a way that relates to whom? To them. To their benefit. And I ask questions, even the rhetorical questions. I know they're going to answer them, right? When you're one-on-one, you can totally ask questions. But I ask questions, "Does that make sense to you? Do you follow me? You know, if I were to do this, you might be wondering why I'm doing this. Let me tell you why we're going to do this." And then I tell you why. Then I do it. Then I tell you why I did it, right? And I ask you, "That work?" It's a constant framing process. You don't want to speak without a frame. I'm always controlling the frame. That's the power.
So years ago, when I went to the Spurs, I walk in, and I know they have a different frame. They have a different reference about me that I want them to have. So I got to come in and break that pattern, establish the frame for the very first moment. So I walk in there, and I'm supposed to be talking to the players. And the management decides, "We got Tony Robbins, so let's bring in all the ticket takers. Let's bring all the people from the front office. Let's bring everybody else." I mean, we got Tony Robbins to take advantage. They move it out of the locker room to some other facility. Then they go, "We got him here. Let's get some cameras and capture this, and we'll use it for the future." So they put up cameras. They put a bunch of white people in the room, right, when their team is all African-American. And they can't stand these little ticket takers because these guys are all super achievers, right? And the team has just won a bunch of games in a row, and they've not had one day off. And Dennis Rodman is in the group, right? So I walk in, and the first thing happens is he's got these glasses. Pocket. He sees this little workbook thing I got. He takes it, rips it in half, throws it on the floor, slumps down in his chair, puts on his glasses. He can't see his face. I thought, "I guess I probably need to do something, right?"
So when I got up there, one of the first things I did is I modeled. I knew their model of the world. I did my homework. I found who was there. Found out that many of them were extremely religious, right? Found out that often they did a prayer before they started. You know, I actually went on the game, even though, you know, not everybody shared that belief, the majority of them did. So I found out what their mindset was and so forth. So I got up, and then I was supposed to get this great framing introduction. And the coach, last minute, said, "I'm going to have somebody else introduce you." Because the coach was afraid of being the person who brought me to them on their one day off. So now, and I'm supposed to have three hours. In the last second, he tells me, "You've got an hour." He says, "But you can keep him for three, but the NBA only allows us to hold him for an hour." So after now, we have to let him be able to go. But they'll stay, right? There's only a few times in my life I've lost my voice, and I lost my voice the night before. And I literally, I've got the most scratchy, horrible voice you can imagine. And then since the cameras are on, and the general manager's there, who they all hate his name is Popovich, they take and give me a jacket that they want me to wear that says "The Spurs" on it, right? Because they want that like part of this whole visual capture thing. Right? And they're going, "Oh my God, right?"
So I go up. They introduced me. And one of the players introduced me. So I said, "He's a really nice guy, and he loved my stuff, but he doesn't introduce people. So he's freaked out." You know, all his buddies and everybody's sitting in their chair like this, all right? Because they hear all these white people around them in the back, all these ticket takers, non-achievers, all this other stuff going on. So he gets up to introduce me. I said, "What are you going to say?" And I said, "I want you to share these three things." You know, so I had some social proof. He gets up and he forgets everything and he goes, "Uh, the dude we're bringing up today is really sincere, and he's a good man, Tony Robbins."
So I walk in, and all the white people in the back are clapping, which immediately makes these guys not want to. Nobody does anything right. And I walk up there. I don't know where the jacket is. No, no, you got to wear the jacket. So I'm wearing the Spurs jacket, like the ones like they wear, right? And I walk in from the room to this group of dead people in the very front, right? And in the back, all this happiness bouncing around, happy white people. So I get up there and I introduce myself. And I said, "You're probably wondering why you're here." First thing I said, very first thing. "Probably wondering why you're here. You just won nine games in a row. You haven't had a day off. It's your first day at home, all right? You're supposed to have the day off, and now you got some white guys standing in front of the room who's never played basketball before in his entire life trying to show you how you can play better when you just won nine games in a row. You're probably wondering why you're here. You're probably wondering what he's doing wearing his first jacket that he never earned, all right?" You can see some of the heads going like this, you know. And all of a sudden, I even see Rodman is like looking up now, you know, staring, right? I said, "Those are good questions you got to be asking at this point. I said, I'm not here because I earned this jacket. We're going to talk about that in a second. And I said, I'd be really unhappy if somebody took my one day off. I said, I had nothing to do with that. But I am here, and I am responsible to deliver for you. And you only have to be here an hour. You're going to be here for three." I said, "Now, you may say that's bull. You're going to leave, and you have the choice to do that thing. But you won't. I'll tell you why, because I will deliver results to you that you've never seen before in three hours. And I'll deliver enough in the first hour that you'll stay." I said, "Because you're going to see that while I may not have played basketball, I've worked with the finest people in the world in each of these categories. I'm like, bam, bam, bam, bam. But more importantly, I don't believe I have all the answers, but I really do care, and I really can deliver. And there's another reason why you gotta be able to listen to me, because you've never made it past the first round of the playoffs." And everybody looked right, right? And I said, "And I'm not suggesting that I can get you beyond it, but I know you can get yourself beyond it. I know there's only a few things keeping you. It's not like you're miles away. There's only a few little things. But if you don't stop to look at them, you're going to be in trouble. And what happens is, when we succeed, we tend to party. And we fail, we tend to ponder. And the worst thing that's happening to you right now is you're succeeding." I said, "So before we start, I want to say two things. First of all, I know that prayer is an important thing. So I'd like..."
To see if we could be guided in this session, I'd like to know if you, Avery, is one of the ministers of the team players. Would you go out and do a prayer? Because, yeah, it comes up, and they usually, I've heard, they do these resounding, emotional type prayers. He gets up and says, "Lord, please guide us through an effective day." So I'm like, "Oh my god, right? Have I created a frame?" By the way, yeah, I created a frame that I don't believe I have all the answers, and I got answers. I create a frame that I don't deserve to be here, and I do. Right? I've framed several different things, and I'm going to deliver.
But then I finally said, and here's the bottom line, I said, "Now, I usually heard more resounding prayer. To you guys, maybe you don't think we have much of a prayer of achieving anything here." And I got a little bit of a smile. I said, "So the first thing I would do is this." And I said, "I ripped off the jackets. I don't deserve to wear the jackets." I went up to the team captain, I handed him the jacket, and I said, "At the end of this time, if you feel I've added so much value, I deserve this jacket, then you come bring it back to me. I'll be happy to wear it with pride. But I shouldn't be wearing this thing to earn it." I said, "At the end, if I haven't earned that thing, you need to get in my face on top of it for taking your time, because that won't happen." I said, "Let's begin, right?" It was like, "Whoa, totally different Frank."
"That's the way we're going to begin is you, David Robinson, come here." And I get him up, and he stands this much taller than I am. Like, this is his shoulder. I thought, "Is that what small people feel like next to me?" It's like, "This is bizarre. I've never experienced that my whole life." So he gets up there, and then I start working and create the result and get them going. But it's all framing. It's all framing. It's what I do first. If I try to just go on and talk for 15 minutes without creating a frame first, they would have eaten me alive.
And then I got Dennis here. So I keep framing Dennis in the middle of my talk. And I talked about a variety of things. And I said, "I know about you, Dennis. I mean, I watched you last night. You weren't the only guys that took time to sign autographs for the kids. I said, I saw that. I know everybody talks about, you know, Dennis is a problem, Dennis this." I said, "I know what you want. You want to be totally unique and separate and on your own. And I know you're as good as they get. And I'm not here to blow smoke about what I saw." To you, though, is I saw you take time for those kids. So I know who you are inside. I'm really grateful you did that because I brought kids that I was coaching, my kids that are in the champions program, sponsoring college educations. I flew them down the night before, and for the first time, they were on an airplane. Everything else for most of them. And became the team. And most of the team, at the end of, just blasted by them all. But Dennis actually took time to do it. So I noticed that acknowledging you should have seen Dennis like somebody really knows I'm a good guy, right? Did you see him?
I don't know if he saw him in his interview before he got on the Lakers, the day before the Lakers took him on. He's crying. "Yeah, nobody loves me," and all that stuff. Everybody's got that need, that fear of love and fear not worthy, including Dennis Rodman. So you just brighten up. Eventually, we're doing stuff. He's taking notes, took his classes off. You know, at the end of an hour, and these guys were participating with me, but not the level I'm used to, right? Because every time they start doing something, the people in the back are drowning them out. They don't want to be known like those people. So I get them going, and then start not getting them. Don't ask them a question, they would never yell back the answer. It was like 12 people.
So finally, I said, "Okay." I said, "Your hour's up." I said, "So we're going to take a break right now." And I said, "I got to tell you something before you go." I said, "I know you've played with me, you've taken notes, which I know you guys normally would never do, and I've gotten value what we've done." I said, "But I haven't scratched the surface that we need to do here if you're going to get the result that you want." I said, "I gotta tell you frankly, two things." I said, "All you people are back." I said, "You're out of here. Leave." And everybody looked at me, and the general manager looked at me. I said, "Leave the boys, and I need to have a talk." And the gentleman was looking, I looked at him, he went, "Okay." Cleared the room. So it's just this big room now. It's just me and the players, right? And they'll look at me.
And I said, "Listen, I don't need you to placate me. I said, I understand you got value, and I'm appreciative of the attention you gave me, but I haven't even come close to delivering to you. And I'm not one of those people in the back. You don't belong in the same room. This is a team meeting." I said, "There are withhold communications here. There are certain skills that need to be handled. And I said, I'm asking a question, and you're not giving me any answers, not in your head." I just got to tell you something, that is not peak performance. I said, "I'm not here to control you and have me say, 'You jump,' and you say, 'How high?' That's not what I'm about. But if I'm going to deliver further, you got to deliver back." But I said, "You can leave right now for 15 minutes, or leave completely. The end of 15 minutes, I'll be in this room. If you want to come back, I have one requirement: you play full out with me. If I ask you a question, you yell back the answer. If I say jump, you say how high." Not so I control you, but so we get your result. If you don't want to do that, I'm totally cool because I'm only here to serve you. You get that? You'll be back. If you don't, you won't. I'll see." And I got up and stormed out, right?
And I was on the edge before doing this because it was like they were all happy if I finished. It was all cool. And I got outside and said, "Rodman, why do you have to always go for everything, you know?" You know. And I knew that Rodman wasn't going to come back. And I thought, "Well, David Robinson will, because he got so much value on what I did with him." And I was calculating who was going to come back. I get back in the room, and nobody's there 10 minutes later. So I thought, "Well, they're they're getting a break, you know, 15 minutes." Uh, 20 minutes. Nobody comes in the room. I'm thinking, "Oh man, why didn't I just let them go at the stand, you know? Zero to ten, they were at about a seven and a half or eight. And they normally at a three, you know? I was like, why didn't I just settle? You know, why wasn't that fine?" I thought I was just going to ruin my reputation. I cannot play half, you know? I just can't. I won't.
And then Avery Johnson comes in as the guard, and then David Robinson did. And those are two guys I knew would come back, at least I thought they would. And now I was like, "Okay, well, at least they came back." And a couple more. And then Rodman walked in. And then every single person walked back and sat down. "We understand the rules." And they went, "Yes." I said, "You understand the rules?" They went, "Yes." Right? And we cranked. And then I got to be so honest and do things that I've never done before. It's unbelievable. And then towards the end, I'll do wood breaking with them. And so now I get David Robinson up there, holding for him. Minute. Like, "This must be what looks like." My hand comes through that thing. It's like, unbelievable, right?
So, and just before he's about to cut loose, the general manager, Popovich, screams, "No, no, no! Because these phrases may be injured or something, right?" So exposure. "No more. No one else touch a piece of wood. No, no, no!" All the stuff. And all the guys now are pumped. Under mine, we're working as one team. We're totally unified. We've worked for three hours together. This is the peak. He's going to screw up my entire peak of my program, right? It says, "None other person." Says, "I don't even hurt." I said, "Listen, they're not going to get hurt." He goes, "I will not allow it."
So I thought, "Okay, there's a frame. There's a frame here. What's the frame?" I'm always looking for, "What's the way to frame this?" I said, "Okay, great. We're a team. The rest of us can't do it. You do it, Popovich. Come here." Because I knew they all hated his guts, right? I said, "You're part of this team, right?" Goes, "No, no, no. I'm not going to do it." Everybody around it was like a movie. They all stuck with someone. "Pop, pop!" He's this scrawny little white guy, these giant black guys going, "Popovich, pop!" Right? They just hated him, right? So he comes up and he goes, "Fine, I'll do it." Like it's Rodman's face. Really brilliant guy, right? Really smart, really intelligent. I said, "Great. No, not like that." He's like, he's like this to do his windbreaking. He's carved up like this, and every muscle's tight. I said, "No, no, elegantly. You have to do this elegantly, like you run the team." And the guys, they just loved it now, right? And I said, "Come on, come on, Pop." And they said, "Okay, cool down, Popovich. You're going to get loose. Here's how you do it." You know? And some of the other guys came by, started bouncing his legs and getting him. So he's there, everything else. And when he exploded through that, the guys went crazy. Wood went everywhere. And he smiled from your ear. And I said, "Baby, put your hand." "Oh, yeah." Says, "And I'm out of here." And I left. Other secret, leave them on the beak, right? To try and not do it. Give everybody. No, it's not going to work. It's done, right? And they were out of their mind, you know, totally thrilled beyond their imagination. I built an identity with them. So I come to the games, "Hey, Tom, come on over here." It's a whole different experience. But I did it from framing. I framed it.
This makes sense to you? You got to do this. You've got to frame what you do. Up front determines what they're going to hear afterwards. My pre-framing, I'm always doing up front. I give people do anything because I frame it before I do it. And I frame it in a way that relates to whom? To them, to their benefit. And I ask questions, even rhetorical questions. I know they're going to answer them, right? When you're one-on-one, you can totally ask questions. But I ask questions, "Does that make sense to you? Do you follow me? You know, if I were to do this, you might be wondering why I'm doing this. Let me tell you why we're going to do this." And then I tell you why. Then I do it. Then I tell you why I did it, right? And I ask you that word. It's a constant framing process. You don't want to speak without a frame. I'm always controlling the frame. That's the power.
Now, the second cut, framing, reframing. Reframing is an NLP tool. I created pre-framing because I had to come up with a term to describe what we were doing before the process happened. But reframing is where somebody already has a problem, and you change what it means by having them see it to another frame of reference. Because what things mean, write this in your notes, what things mean to you is always determined by what you compare them or contrast them with. What does this mean? Well, I get a question for you. What are nice accommodations? Via Regency, is this nice accommodations? Do you think these accommodations will affect the way you look at other hotels? Maybe sometimes in the future, you're going to go to some nice hotels now, and you're going, "Well, that's all right. But you know, I've been to the Hyatt." Okay, it's a $700 million resort. This is a million-dollar resort. There's a big difference, you know? The bottom line is, contrast starts to make it even worse than it really was.
See, oftentimes people in life, they start doing really well. How do you think a John Belushi could kill himself? How could a guy do that when he had everything going for him? How many of you literally love John Belushi and his humor? Say aye. He was loved by millions of people. He had a wife that totally loved him. He was doing everything he ever dreamed about, right? Movies, he was in. Broadway, he was in. Comedy, he was in. Television, he was in. Making tons of money. Always want to make money, made tons of money. He did it all. Why is he no longer here? Because he didn't manage his what? That's right. He didn't learn how to control what he focused on, and the way he used his physiology. In fact, he managed to focus on things and evaluate his life in a way that created pain. And they tried to use drugs as a direct route to changing state, and he's no longer here. But why? Because as things got better for him, he forgot how good he had it because he started comparing it to all kinds of other elements. He started looking around in his life, the people who knew him, and saying, "Well, this isn't that great. Well, there's nothing else to do. I'm not really worthwhile." He lost all his frames of reference.
Do you think if you remember what it was like back in Chicago when he was struggling, and he realized what he had been, do you think he'd been out there trying to get drugs to feel good? Yes or no? Man, you better make sure you never forget your roots. That's the ultimate reframe. See, my kids, to make sure that doesn't happen, we take them down to the South Bronx, and we get them to walk in there and give them references they will never forget. I take them down into a crack little house down there. I say a crack house. I'm talking about a welfare hotel, but they're crack houses, what they really are. You go in these places, and they stink. You're in soap floors, and they're people drugged out of their minds, sitting there on the ground, right in front of you. Deals going right in front of you. Rats scurrying around. Whole families that live in a room that's not much bigger than the front part of the stage. Moving back to the end here. That's it. That's the whole thing. Whole family living in there. You take your kids in there. I take my kids there because I want to make sure they never forget when they go home to their castle what life is really like for other people, and that they've got to do something to make a difference there. That they got not to feel guilty about where they are because it's been earned, but to make sure that they don't ever lose perspective. And we all lose perspective because of our surroundings. No matter where we are, we become habituated to what we now have. Whether you got problems or not, all determines about who you surround yourself with. You see somebody drop of a heart attack in front of you, and you realize you don't have any problems because your relationship, you had an argument last night. Make sure you have the capacity continuously to determine what you're comparing things to in a way that empowers you. You must empower yourself. You must find empowering meaning no matter what happens. That is the number one must rule in your life. You must find a way to learn and enjoy anything that happens. You must find a way to either learn or enjoy from anything that happens in your life. And you can. All you got to do is compare it in the right way, contrast it in the right way. And this also will help you to help others because no matter how bad somebody's got it, somebody else has got it worse. No matter how good somebody's got it, somebody's doing better. You can use this to move human beings just by changing what they frame of reference they have about something.
Now, two basic ways of reframing: context reframing. Just write context reframing. This is where you change what something means by having them see it in another context, in another situation. In other words, what's a problem in one situation is a benefit in another context. Reframing. This is where you show somebody how something that seems to be a problem in one situation is a benefit in another. Problem in one situation is a benefit in another. I'll give you an example. That's context reframing. Let's say, for example, you're working as a family therapist for a moment, and a father comes to you and talks about how his daughter is such a bullheaded and stubborn, he can't get her to do anything, and he's really angry, and they can do something to change her because she's out of control. If you wanted to reframe him on this behavior, that is, get him to find a new meaning for it, you could change the context. What could you say to this man? Are there any situations where that bullheadedness is very valuable for? He may say no, but this man just did something very valuable.
Now, there's a second kind of reframe called a content reframe. A content reframe is where you have a person think of something now, in order to feel bad. Remember, you got to picture something so in order like feel bad about your past. You have to picture your past or talk to yourself about the past. What if we change your memory about it? What if we scramble the imagery so that what used to happen, you don't see anymore? What you see now happening is where people used to yell, you hear their voice coming out like Mickey Mouse. Where all of a sudden the images start going backwards in motion. Every time you think about them, if you focus on those things happening backwards and forwards and changing color and size, and we change the content of your representation, will it change your state about that experience? Will it change the meaning you link to it in your body? Yes or no? Absolutely. So that scramble technique is really a content reframing. You're changing the content, not the context. Or I come to you, and you think you're upset about something, and I say, "Well, you know, can I share something with you?" And you say, "Yeah." And I say, "What you just thought, let me show you something. Somebody misinformed you. It wasn't true." Uh-oh. You change one part of the content of their understanding, and instantly you will change what things mean. So you can do it by scrambling it, or by giving some new input they didn't have in a way that has rapport. Or you precede it with maybe a question or a pre-frame, and immediately that will change what things mean to them. So content and context reframing are other primary ways.
And here I put three keys to an effective reframe. Number one, I put: interrupt pattern. Interrupt their pattern. If you want to get a good reframe, in the first step, I would probably do is interrupt the pattern. Two is use questions. And here's something I haven't mentioned that is very valuable that I do, and that is make sure you reframe it as alignment with our own core values and beliefs. Make sure your reframe is in alignment with our own core values and beliefs. What does that mean? Well, if I value learning, and you come here and you try and tell me why I should do something because it's just fun, that won't be as powerful a reframe as if you said to me, "Tony, I know this is tough, but if you learn something from this, do you think you can make it valuable?" What do you think I'm going to listen to that? Because I value learning more than I would if my value was fun. How many are following what I'm talking about here? A lot of times people say, "Well, if you do this, won't it make you more successful?" And success is not one of their values. So your reframe will fail miserably. So you have to not only be in rapport with that person, you got to interrupt the pattern they're in because no matter what you say, I don't care what reframe you offer, if they're in a stuck state, is it going to work? Yes or no? No. You got to interrupt their pattern. Obviously, be in rapport. Do it in the form of a question. And align it with their values. And you'll find out you'll be able to reframe like no one you've ever met who's been trained in reframing. Because most people are just trained to just reframe every way you can. If that doesn't work, try something else. That doesn't try something else. You want a little higher criteria for yourself. So it doesn't work. Step back a second. Say, "Do I ever pour? Have I broke their pattern?" Oh, I haven't broken the pattern. No matter what reframe I give, if they're stuck in the state, they're not going to hear me. Let me break their pattern in a unique way. Am I telling them or asking them? Hmm. Maybe I need to pre-frame them instead of reframing them. Maybe I need to tell them before it happens what's going to occur, what it means, in a very elegant way.
So finally, the third element is called a D-frame. A D-frame. A D-frame is when somebody is caught up in a particular element, and you instantaneously destroy their frame of reference. You destroy the way they're evaluating something. When you destroy it, and we've been doing both reframing and deframing. See, if you sit here and you're complaining about your room, and then somebody walks by at that moment and they tell you, "Would you please help me because I can't get out of my wheelchair to get some food?" Or, "You help me get a drink." That could be a rather quick D-frame, couldn't it? In one instant, it can destroy your frame of reference. It doesn't have to be a long conversation to do it.
How do all three of these elements? How can they be used? How can you use them with other people? Well, let's do this for starters. Here are three keys to framing. Number one: Make sure if you're going to do a frame, you first have what with a person? Have you ever had some jerk walk up to you and try and frame you on something, and they had zero rapport? Like you're upset about something, they go, "Oh, well, excuse me. No, it's really not that bad." Really? And they start telling you about how they see it. Does that change your view? Usually? Yes or no? So make sure before you turn frame somebody, you got rapport, otherwise you're not gonna have the power to influence them in most cases. Second key to reframing from my perspective is format is a question. Whenever possible, format is a question. If I tell you how your experience is really not what you think it is, are you going to listen to me? In most cases, if I have tremendous rapport, maybe. But otherwise, the answer is no. But if I ask you a question like, "Well, what do you think this might mean in this context?" Now you're making me come up with my own resources for the answer. I can't deny my own experience. I can deny your experience, but not my own. So the best way to frame is to tell a story and then ask a question, or just ask a question directly. Third element of framing that makes friends so valuable if you do it effectively is to have a frame that interrupts their pattern. That interrupts their pattern. If you tell somebody a story, what happens is they get in a little bit of a trance while you're telling the story, and that's an easy way to frame. Or if you ask them a question that's really bizarre, but does relate to what they're doing, it'll kind of crack them up. And in a new state, do you think they'll be able to come up with a new meaning? Better in a new state? Yes or no? You bet they will be able to. So if you break their pattern, you get a better chance of framing. And if I was going to add a fourth one, I would say simply this: that I would constantly look at changing their physiology when I was doing the frame without their awareness. Because if you change their physiology, they're going to be in a new state, and meaning almost always changes with a change in state. If you change me into a resourceful state, what I used to be really feeling fearful about, I might feel strong about. What I used to feel hurt about, I might say, "Oh, it's not that big a deal." Isn't that true? So if you're going to frame somebody, keep these elements in mind.
So this man's example was, "Is there an environment where bullheadedness would be a benefit for your daughter?" Or better yet, you know what I would say to the guy? I would turn to him and I'd say, "Yeah, it's pretty amazing how she's like that. Kind of reminds me of somebody that you know, real personally. Do you know anybody who's really stubborn and makes them successful?" Then I'll smile at it. What does that do? Well, first of all, if I've got rapport, I'm playing off that rapport. Second of all, I'm forming a question. Third, though, I'm interrupting the pattern. What am I doing? I'm getting to think, "Well, maybe they do that too." I'm implying, presupposing, maybe it's made them successful. So I'm not attacking them. And what does that do? It starts to scramble a little bit. Now I can come back with this man's question and say, "Do you think there'll be any place in her future where it'd be really useful for her to assert herself?" Or I might say, "When a boy takes her in the backseat of a car, she doesn't want to be there, do you think these skills will be useful then?" Is that a reframe? Yes or no? Instantaneously. Okay. I might say, "I'm curious, if you don't spend time with your children, will you ever leave your mark?" Instant reframe and D-frame of the meaning he linked to his children. We changed what his children meant to him instantaneously. How many follow the process now? I don't expect you to know all this. I expect you to do all this because you already do it. Remember, you got to have faith. You know, this all I'm going to do is give you labels so in the appropriate times you'll be able to start noticing what you're doing and doing it more often.
How many of you already pre-frame people? How many of you have kids who pre-frame you before they ask for something? They walk in in the morning, they go, "Dad, would you like some fresh squeezed orange juice?" You know, "Okay, what's coming?" The kids know all this stuff. Model your kids, and you'll have no problem whatsoever. Okay, they know all of it. How to D-frame you, reframe you. You say, "No, you can't do this." And what do they usually say? "But Johnny's parents let him do it." But it doesn't work, usually, because they haven't broken your what? First. Now, if they do it in a funny way, a lot of times they'll get what they want. Okay? So be aware. Pre-re-D-framing. Always controlling the frame.
So framing is a very useful tool. You probably use it without even realizing it. The most important thing to remember when you're doing any sort of pre-, re-, or D-frame is that the outcome is to shift someone's focus because that puts them in a state for change. Really, this skill can be used in a variety of ways. Not only when you're trying to get leverage on someone, you can use any of these framing skills during meetings. Like if you said, "Today, we're going to talk about some really great opportunities that are coming up in the company," versus saying, "I have some news about changes in the company that will affect many of you, so bear with me." Do you notice the difference? Depending on which pre-frame you use, it changes the tone and focus of the meeting almost immediately. You can also use this with your children, in your job, basically anytime you're speaking with anyone. A classic example of a D-frame would be if your child was complaining about eating his peas and you said, "There are a lot of children in the world that are starving and would love to have your peas to eat." Or an example of a reframe would be if your friend was upset that none of the dates she had been going on lately were working out, and you said, "Maybe God is just protecting you from these men because he has someone special lined up for you." So becoming a master of framing gives you an ability to set up a person or group for a change in their focus or state, and that can be tremendously powerful. That's the way you serve them as a leader.
Now, let's go to the assignment before we finish the session. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to be on the lookout for opportunities where you can use pre-, re-, or D-framing to help create a shift in a personal group. Before the next session, try to find at least three opportunities to practice each of these framing skills. Do you have a key meeting at the office today? Or maybe is there something you need to talk to your spouse or your kids about? But these are fantastic opportunities for you to put the skills into real practice. And remember, you can even apply all these skills on yourself. Okay, that's it for today. Until we speak again tomorrow.