Transcription
[Music] so I once for once worked with a very powerful CEO from a fortune 50 company on a project that had global significance. I was thrilled, excited, and humbled to be part of this project.
The CEO was kind of a gruff, austere man, very large and imposing, kind of quiet, and had this this really sort of withdrawn demeanor to him. But we got to some level of rapport and over a period of months developed a plan to deal with the issues that we were trying to address.
One day we presented him to a management meeting and after the meeting we were walking down the hall to his office. I was kind of bouncing in my step and feeling positive about our progress when let's call him Bob said to me, "Joseph, that didn't go so well." My spine stiffened. He said, "I'd like you to come into my office and I and I like to debrief on that."
Well, I started panicking. High stakes, right? Opposing opinions, strong emotions. We went and sat in his office and and he said, "Why don't you review with me the plan?" Well, I was puzzled. He and I had co-developed this plan over the previous six months, but I went ahead and started to review. I said, "All right, the next step is diagnosis. We need to gather data and understand what the real issues are in the organization." He said, "Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. He said, 'Take that off the list so we don't need to diagnose. We got more data around here that we need.'" Said I, "Just want to kill something. So let's get started. What's next on the list?"
Well, in my mind, I'm thinking to myself, "Just take it after these, you know, you don't get to say that. I'm thinking, we work together on this, you understood this, where is this coming from?" So there's the moment, there's the moment, there's the moment where in my head that myth starts to emerge and I start thinking to myself, "Do I tell the truth or keep a client? Which do I do?" And then I recognize the false dichotomy. Then it occurred to me, "Yeah, I'm assuming you can't do both."
So my question to you is, when you're in that moment, what do you say? First, having spent now over 10,000 hours watching those moments, observing them, coding, looking at outcomes, and then backtracking to see what led to success and what didn't. Here's what we know. You have two tasks in what we call the hazardous half-minute. In the first 30 seconds of a crucial conversation, there are two things which if you do them, there's a 97% chance that you'll be heard.
Now, notice I'm not saying they're going to agree with you. They may not. They may disagree, and it still may be a difficult conversation, but you will be heard. You'll have influence. You'll be able to engage in what we call dialogue. So what do you have to do? Here's the first. Your first job, and please listen to how I characterize this. Your first job is to help them know this isn't a trick. This isn't a technique. Your job is to help them know that you care about their interests, their problems, their concerns, almost as much as they do. That's what you have to do.
As soon as you do that, they do this. As soon as you successfully create a condition we call mutual purpose, they go like this. They go, and then they start to listen. If they're not convinced it's true, if it's just some gimmick or technique that you're trying to pull off on them, then that won't happen, and they'll stay stiff, and they'll stay defensive, and they'll stay prepared for you. So that's the first.
The second thing you have to do is this. You need to create a condition of safety that we call mutual respect. That means not just that they know that you care about their problems or their concerns, but they know that you care about them, that you fundamentally respect them as a human being. Now, how do you do that when somebody is behaving despicably? How do you create mutual respect with somebody that doesn't appear to deserve respect? Well, my friends, the problem is in us, not them. It's possible for us to create it, and I'll come back to that in a moment.
So here I am with Bob, and the first thing I said to Bob was, "Bob, I want you to know that I get it. You're the CEO here. You're the boss, and whatever you decide we're gonna do on this plan, I'm gonna support it as best I can. Now, with that said, I have some reasons to believe that if we don't diagnose, it could cause problems for us later. I'll be happy to share those with you if you'd like to hear them, but at the end of the discussion, it's your choice. Furthermore, if you believe there are things in this project that are just padding my fees and upping the cost of the project and not adding value, I want a relationship with you where you feel like you can confront that with me. I should have to answer for everything in this project."
This sly grin crept up his face, and I knew I'd hit it right on the head. Instead of talking it out, he was acting it out. But now, with a little safety, he said, "Go ahead, make your case." I made my case, and we ended up diagnosing. But more important than that, it set a pattern for how our relationship would work from that point forward. What he learned in that moment was he's safe with me, I respect him, and we have mutual purpose, and it made it possible for us to achieve a level of candor that was otherwise unavailable.
Here's what we know from watching these conversations. We know that people never get defensive with you because of what you're saying. They get defensive with you because of why they think you're saying it. It's the intent, not the content, that provokes that defensiveness. Your job is to reassure them of the intent first. Purify your intent, but secondly, reassure it. Create mutual purpose and mutual respect, and then they relax, and then they can listen. If you can create safety, it's possible to talk with almost anyone about almost anything.