What the Stoics Can Teach Us About Masculinity

Sometimes we forget, in this busy world, in this busy life that we live, that there are thousands of generations of men who came before us. And despite all the differences in technology and education and all the uh, superficial things in life, these guys lived essentially the same kinds of lives that we live internally. They had the same kinds of experiences that we have, and they have given those experiences a lot of thought. Some of these guys are so profound in their thought that we still look to them today for answers. One such man was the Emperor Marcus Aurelius.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it's all within yourself and your way of thinking. That quote is from Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor from 160 to 180, who's considered by many to be the greatest Roman Emperor of all time. Now, he ruled Rome at a time with a great deal of war and plague, yet it's still considered Rome's Golden Age. It was a time of great wealth and prosperity and a lot of wisdom. He actually shared the throne with his adoptive brother for the first like six or seven years of his rule. Can you imagine that today? It's almost impossible.

So why is Marcus Aurelius important to us today? So Marcus fought a lot of battles, and despite that, he was one of the most thoughtful and most uh, reflective men in history, and his stoic philosophy, or that what we consider stoic philosophy, lives on today. And of course, Marcus Aurelius is considered by many philosophers to be um, one of the greatest of all time.

So what we're going to find, as we talk about this a little bit, is that it's not always the challenges that you face that cause you problems; it's how you face them. Because every generation faces issues and problems. s um, our generation facing the uh, manifestation of feminism and the changing of gender roles in our society is challenging; there's no question about it. But um, other people have faced tough things too; some would say a lot worse. I think it's just the way we choose to to deal with it, how we manage it, because there's still a lot of benefit in what's happening, and there's a lot of opportunity for us as men to become stronger and grow. And that's what I'm going to talk about today.

What I really enjoy about Marcus Aurelius is he sees the world as I do: it is a subjective experience that you live; it from the outside or from the inside out; that what's happening on the outside of you is secondary. In fact, he would go so far as to say that everything on the outside of you has no value at all; that all of the value that in your life you will find internally. These are things that happen inside of you: it's your belief systems, your thoughts, your reflections.

I think the problem that men have these days is that we're too overwhelmed with all the external experiences in our lives. We're watching TV, we're on videos, we're um, you know, doing social media, um, and these distractions take up our time, and our little brains really love to be occupied; they really love the drama of life, and they will feed us back that drama on a continuous basis unless we take control of it. The relationships that you've had in the past that you replay in your mind and you ruminate over over and over and over again just bring those moments back into your future or into your your present moment, and it makes it impossible for you to find peace of mind. Without that peace of mind, without that sense of quiet in your inside of you, it's impossible to change your outcomes; it's impossible to to change the direction of your life. And unfortunately, our brains are predesigned to occupy itself with whatever is nearby. So the only way to get to a place where you can quiet your mind down enough that you can find the treasure that's hidden inside you is you've got to get away from it all. You've got to really either lock yourself in a room with nothing and just meditate, or you got to go out into nature, which I think is what men have been doing since the beginning of time when they're hunting or they're just walking in the woods. And you've got to find that reflective moment; you've got to find that space where there is nothing happening in there, and that's where you'll find the gold; that's where the good stuff lies.

I bring that up because in our relationships with women, or with anyone for that matter, we have no ability to control their behaviors; none. I mean, you can use force, but that's a temporary solution unless you are going to lock them up or something. But um, the only other way, only the only lever that we have to pull is our own behaviors. And I would argue that the reason why feminism has gotten so out of control is because we've been looking outside of ourselves as men to the behaviors of women, and we've been morphing ourselves to accommodate them. And it's through that accommodation that we have allowed feminism to push masculinity aside. We have literally yielded our masculinity to feminism.

And so when you're thinking about who to blame for all the problems that we're having as men in society with women in relationships, you can certainly point your finger at women, but it doesn't mean anything. Yeah, they're going to act like women; they always do; they're always going to be like that. The only way that you can change things is by changing yourself; the reclaiming your masculine identity and in a confident way, express that masculine identity in a meaningful way in all of your relationships. Now that doesn't mean being an; that doesn't mean you need to like pound on desks and and scream at people; no, it just means that you have confidence and faith in your ability to make clear-headed decisions and take action in directions that will help people.

We've kind of laughed about this in the past: when it comes to empathy, men express empathy through problem-solving. We fix things; that's the way we help people. When someone is in pain and they're struggling and they need some help, we'll talk about it with them; we'll empathize with them, but then we want to fix it; whatever it is, like, okay, we got a problem; let's let's take care of it. Women are really good at listening, but they're not really good at fixing stuff; that's why why, you know, I hate to beat up on um, therapists, but that's why therapy is so popular with women: it's because they like to sit around and be listened to; it doesn't solve anything; it doesn't fix anything. And in fact, I would argue that it does quite the opposite because you spend your time ruminating over something that's already happened; you're just bringing it back to life; there's no point in it; there's no value in it.

So as men, I think that we need to express those positive male characteristics that are missing in our system society and do it in a consistent way so that we can have an impact on the direction of things in our individual lives, but also on a larger level, in a on a on a more, you know, macro scale, if you will. And again, I'm not talking about anything toxic; I'm not talking about, you know, um, you know, belittling women or making them less than or harming them. They have an an independent um, individual expression of all of the same characteristics that we have, and they are different; they are unique; they are separate from us. And we can argue about which is better or worse; doesn't even matter; better and worse; these are subjective concepts; they're not real in the world. You can say something is better or worse, but doesn't matter; doesn't make it so; it just it just um, just reflects back on you; that's all. Um, but what I just described there, for example, men fixing things when they empathize and women listening, well that listening obviously has a role for other women, you know, they they enjoy that, and so although I may not find it valuable, someone does, so I'm sure that it does have value out there in the world somewhere.

So here's another quote from Marcus that will maybe shed some light on this whole thing. Remember, this is 2,000 years ago; this is a long time ago, so it's it's a little bit shocking just how valid the statement is even today. I often wonder how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.

So this is where I think men get into trouble, and really society as a whole, but since we're talking about men, I'm just going to keep it focused here on us, um, because we are so concerned about social acceptance, and now that we are living in a world that is dominated by feminist thought, our masculinity um, runs contrary to a lot of that thought, and so we try to yield or we yield our masculinity voluntarily so that we can be accepted in this more feminine-tilted world. And this is where we have made the mistake, because by yielding our masculine ground, our masculine traits, our characteristics, what makes us men, to feminism, we have empowered them in a way that disempowers us. We have created the the zero-sum game by default, because men want approval from women, and because we want approval from women, we will morph our behaviors to be accepted into their lives and into their worlds. And what we don't realize with women is that they are not clear in thoughts about what they want, and this is the thing that has mystified men since the beginning of time. And once you start to eliminate that issue altogether, what do they want, and you just start thinking about what you want and how you are and what you have control over, and you don't worry about what their wants are, you will find that you'll be much more successful with women. By trying to morph yourself into something that you're not in order to accommodate a woman, for to get her approval, you are giving her power over you. And I think that a generation of men have largely done this um, with women, and that's why women um uh, so easily identify male characteristics as being toxic, or they um, diminish us, and that's why we're diminished in um, you know, TV shows and movies and um, but what's interesting is sometimes you find these hyper-masculine uh, stereotypes that become, you know, superheroes or whatever, and they become the the um, stereotype for male masculinity, but they're not real; you know, they're superheroes; you know what I mean? It's like that's, you know, like even a James Bond-like character, still a superhero kind of kind of person. So I I find it really fascinating that we've got this duplicitous way of looking at masculinity: that we love watching it on TV or on the movies, but we don't necessarily want it in our lives.

As men, we need to start bringing masculinity back into the into the lives of women, and I don't mean by being or by being, you know, dictators or anything like that, but by just being our natural selves; by just honoring those things that come naturally to us. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts; that is 100% Marcus Aurelius from 2,000 years ago. So what are the quality of your thoughts? Well, if you're walking around with a lot of hate in your head or in your heart, and you are um, ruminating over some negative past event, those are some pretty low-quality thoughts, and so that's going to be reflected in your life as a pretty low-quality life. So I think you need to get a handle on that; you cannot allow past experiences to dictate your present moment experience. Um, you've got to live this moment in this moment, every day. If you allow the past to dictate to you how you're going to feel, then you will always be a slave to what happened in the past. And if you're angry or, you know, still living through that uh, you know, that trauma of your divorce or whatever it is, and you ruminate on that from time to time, it owns you; it just flat out owns you. And then so your ex-wife owns you, and so you are giving that past experience access to this present moment, and only you can do that, and you need to stop; you just need to stop. When you have that thought, just say, "I'm not going to have that thought today," and just move on to the next one.

You know what's insidious about our brains is they want to keep us from being quiet; they want to keep our our minds occupied, and one way it does that is by creating drama. Women are much more reactive to this drama, but men are reactive to it too, or can be. And by bringing this drama into your life, it fills your thoughts with junk; you know, it's like uh, you know, it's watching reruns of the same show that you hate over and over and over and over again; it's like, why would you do that? You know, you've got a clicker in your hand; change the damn channel; watch something else; move on; you don't like it; why are you watching it? But pe but men do that; we just ruminate on it like we're trying to figure it out, like we're trying to puzzle through it; there's no problem to solve there; there really isn't; take the lesson that you learned and move on. Um, there's no going back; you can't fix it; it's done. But um, getting the quality of your thoughts to a place where you wen't in a place where you can um, meet people respectfully, you can treat yourself with respect, um, you can appreciate the blessings that you have in your life, and you can um, spend time alone without stimulation, without electronic devices, without TV, without headphones on, um, and find your core, your thought, your the essence of who you are, your authentic self as a man, and be quiet and become that; your brain will fight against you; your brain will try to bring all that crap back into your your thoughts. If you just stick with it though, those thoughts will pass, and you will find that there is a peace within you that is um, extremely valuable. And this is the piece that made uh, great men great; this is the place where great men go to become great; it's inward; it's finding that peaceful place. This is what makes Marcus Aurelius a name we still talk about 2,000 years later, because he spent a lot of time in this place, inward, reflecting on his life, reflecting on his experiences, not judging them, not condemning them, but learning from them and committing himself to becoming a better man, which made him a better king, which made him a better partner for his his wife, which made him a better warrior, which made him a philosopher, which made him immortal.

So yeah, he left us a legacy, and I think that um, we need to honor that legacy by understanding the lessons that he learned, because they are valuable to us even today, in this moment. And at the same time, we have a responsibility to leave a legacy to those who come after us, and that means taking the lessons that we are learning now and um, passing them on so that the next generation can get them as well.

In my past video, some of you guys have pointed out that I have, at the same time, um, talked about the dangers of marriage and relationships and at the same time encouraged young guys to get into them, to go out and to to meet women. And the reason for that is that life is meant to be lived, and you cannot live it by running from it. Women are the battlefield that we are fighting on right now; the issue of sexism and gender roles and feminism; that's the battlefield that we're on right now. Just because it's a scary battlefield doesn't doesn't mean you run away from it; it just means you need to to arm yourself correctly for it. There is an enormous amount of value that comes from relationships; all relationships, including relationships with women; personal growth; the master class occurs in relationships; becoming a better man requires relationships. And despite all of their irritating qualities, a woman will make you a better man. I know that's a tough thing to accept; I know it is; I know it is. But your desire to be a full and complete man in your masculine wholeness will require that you care for her; will require that you empathize with her; will require your compassion; it will require your leadership; it will require your personal growth; your patience; um, it will turn you into someone who is selfless; it'll make you um, give of yourself at a more intense level and at a uh, at a level you never considered possible. That's what makes you better; it's when you push yourself to your limits; you know, you don't get stronger by lifting light dumbbells; you know, you got to push yourself; you got to lift the heavy weight sometimes, and women are the heavy weights. And just because they're a pain in the ass and they there's dangers associated with them doesn't mean you don't have them in your life; they are part of our culture; they're part of our lives; we cannot run away from that battlefield; we've got to keep fighting the battle. Um, that doesn't mean you surrender to them either; you know, for your older guys who've already been through it, you know, if you fought your battles already, you want to go your own way; I fully understand that, and I relinquish, you know, your autonomy to make your decisions, to do what you want to do, to be the man you want to be. But for you young guys who watch my channel and you are questioning me a lot in the comments and in emails about what you should do under these circumstances, be bold; be brave; have courage; be smart; arm yourself appropriately; understand what you're getting into; it's a very very um, tricky little world there, um, but it's something that you can succeed at; is something that lots of men do succeed at; lots of men have wonderful, healthy, strong relationships with women. As you assert your masculinity in a relationship, not in a dictatorial fashion or as some kind of uh, Andrew Tate, you know, disciple, but just as a strong, healthy, confident man, you will force that woman to comply with her role naturally; she will just naturally fall into a more feminine role; it's what women want to do anyway; it is only the social pressures associated with feminism that affects a very small percentage of women that they want to um, abandon their femininity; most women embrace their femininity, but you have to give them the opportunity to do that. And if you yield masculine traits and and and masculine ground to a woman and allow her to take some of these more masculine roles, then you will find her disrespecting you at a very subconscious level; it won't be something that is in her mind that she disrespects you; she will just act in ways that are disrespectful. Um, and if you catch a woman acting in ways are disrespectful, you need to call her on it, but not in a forceful, angry voice or way; you just need to talk about it and say, "Hey, I need you to understand that this is where I have a role to play; this is not something that I feel comfortable in you doing under these circumstances." You don't need to you don't need to scream at a dog to train it; you just need to give it the right incentives to behave the way you want, and that's the same with anyone; with any any kind of training that you do, like at work; you're training employees, and it works with women as well; incentives are the key to getting what you want from people. There's an old saying, you know, uh, what was it, the um, the sun and the wind made a bet about who could get the guy to take his coat off, and the sun said uh, and the wind said, "I can blow and blow and blow, and I can blow that coat right off," but the more the wind blew, the guy just buttoned up his coat even tighter, and the more forceful the wind got, the tighter the coat got. And of course, the sun just comes out, and the guy takes his coat off; the idea there being you get a lot lot more um, compliance from people; you can get people to do what you want them to do by um, incentivizing them to behave that way; by giving them a reason to do it; and it works just as well with women as it does with anyone else, or even dogs for that matter. I don't spank my dogs or beat them or yell at them for being dogs; if I want them to behave differently, I give them a little piece of bacon or something, you know, and I encourage them through um, positive reinforcement and pet them and telling them they're good, and as a result, you know, now they're old; like Shelby's 11, Jax is 8; they're both sitting right here; they're not off; they're not on a leash; they stay within, you know, eyesight of me.

99% of the time, they do wander off sometimes, but for the most part, they're with me wherever I go. I don't need a leash on them. If someone comes by, I can tell them to stay; they won't leave. They behave exactly the way I want them to behave. I have never raised a hand to either of them. You need to treat your woman like that.

So, if you find yourself struggling to get through a tough time and you need someone to talk to, you can go to my website at JohnSG.com, and you can sign up for a coaching session. And I'm happy to spend some time helping you, at least as a friend, bounce some issues around and give you the best advice I can. Again, that's JohnSGgriffin.com.

Now, I'm not a social worker or a psychologist or counselor; technically, I'm a health coach, but I can certainly serve as a sounding board for you and give you the best advice I can. Thanks very much. I look forward to seeing you all.

Right, one more quote from Marcus, and then we'll call it um everything we hear is an opinion; everything we see is perspective, not truth. And I think that's critically important because in our social media age, not just women but men too are affected by what we hear and see. Just know that your belief in something gives it meaning, and once you have assigned meaning to a thing outside of you, once you have given it some meaning, you now have an attachment to it, and that attachment at some point is going to cause you discomfort; it's going to cause you pain. So, careful about the things that you give meaning to: opinions, ideas, political ideologies, beliefs, um, things that you learn from the world are all, for the most part, other people's opinions. I mean, we can say that you know there are certain, you know, facts that we can all agree upon, like the phys laws of physical gravity and you know things like that, but for the most part, our society runs on opinions that we at some point accept as true, and that truth then becomes meaningful to us. Doubt it all; question everything.

We live in a world that is very um dual, a lot of duality. It makes it, it gives the false impression that there are only two choices: there's either this or there's that, and that is not true. There are an infinite number of ways of, of seeing the world; we just see it the way we do because we've been socialized since we were young to see it this way. Step outside of that and reflect on it, and then find that authenticity from within you and apply that to the world and live your life from a more authentic perspective, and don't allow these external forces to dictate to you how you're supposed to be. Because it's that's how feminism gets out of control; that's how any ideology gets out of control. Feminism is an ideology. It started off, I think, with very good intentions, with providing, you know, um, rights of citizenship to women. I think we can all agree women should vote and own land, you know. I mean, you can't keep half the population as a subass as sub citizens or as um quasi servants and have a healthy civilization. You, you eventually they had to come up to the place where they were on par with men as citizens in the Civil Rights thing where they have the right to um earn the same amount of money and go to go to school and get jobs. I think everybody would agree that women should have the authority and the right to have that too, but that's where it ends because outcomes are not dictated by ideology, and we cannot allow that.

There are differences between men and women naturally; we, we have uh extraordinary differences in our personalities, our psychologies, our physiology, and those create different characteristics that are valuable in and of themselves. Men are inevitably going to be better at many things than women, and vice versa. There is a place for both the feminine and the masculine in our society. However, because of the rise of femininity and the yielding that men have done with masculinity, we have created an imbalance that has now caused the social difficulties that we're facing, where um 60 some per of women under the age of 35 are single, and most of the men um under age 35 can't buy a house, and um men are less educated, and men are struggling to find good jobs, and men are living in the basements of their their their parents, and um pornography has become an addiction, and um you know men aren't getting any sex anymore. All of these things are a direct outcome of men yielding ground to feminism um by allowing them to take on these masculine roles and not just in society but also in our interpersonal relationships. I think that's really the part of it that we need to focus on. And I'm not saying that we need to change them, change women, cuz we can't change them; that's out of our control. We can only change ourselves, and we can only change our approach to our relationships with women. And the way we do that is by expressing our masculinity in healthy ways that makes it clear that we have a place at the table and that there is a lot of value in what we bring. If we act out in ways like a ma like a Andrew Tate, who is a um, you know, a indicted sex offender and sex trafficker and all that stuff, well, that's going to give women, especially the extremists, all the ammunition they need to try to marginalize masculine behavior. So you can't you can't go to that extreme; you've got to have a healthy expression of masculine identity in your relationships, whether they be with your you know friends, girlfriends, wives, um, co-workers, whatever it is, it's got to be a healthy expression of masculine identity, and you do that consistently, and they naturally yield to you because that is the natural order of things. It doesn't require you know beating the dog; it doesn't require screaming and yelling; it doesn't require banging on a table; it only requires um the soft power of confident, healthy, strong men.

All right, you guys, that's all I got for you today. I hope this video is enjoyable, interesting, thoughtful, thought-provoking. Um, please let me know what you think in the comments; I love reading them; I read as many as I can. Um, anyway, you guys stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.