Psychiatric Follow-up Session with Dr. Karen Jacob - BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

All right, first of all, we got interrupted before. Hi, hi, how are you? Good. It's really good to see you. It's good to see you too. And I actually want to apologize. When I was, I like swore up and down I wasn't going to watch the video that we had together, and then I watched it, and I felt like I was really arrogant, and I want to apologize for that.

That's actually maybe a great place to start. Um, because I'm curious about why you felt that way. Well, therapy is a hard and fast no, or it's just like, and then like there's one part where I finished, like, your sentence for you. I mean, that doesn't surprise me because, like, the introductory therapy I've had so often that, like, I know where it's going most of the time. Um, but I just feel like I just felt like I was, I was dismissive. I was also trying to use big words so I sound smart, so that was weird too. I mean, I do that, but try not to do that here, you know?

It's interesting. It's interesting because one of the things we talked about the first time we got a chance to meet, um, was the self-criticism. Oh, no, I'm sorry. And the apologies. It's like we're right back where we were a year and a half ago, not in a, you know, in just a notable way. So it, it makes me wonder now that you watch the video, what you thought of it, especially when it comes to this idea of self-criticism or being super judgmental of yourself.

Well, clearly I haven't been doing well. I don't know. I mean, that's, I just, I have to stop there because I'm just like proving your point, and I don't mean to be. That's not arrogance, that's just like embarrassing on my end. I don't know. I mean, you know, it's interesting because my, my reaction is to sort of take some steps back, um, because I can see how self-condemning you are just by observing that in our initial dialogue. Um, by pointing something out, it feels like criticism somehow, you know? And I'm just curious about that. Just by pointing the self-judgments, um, why it feels so terrible, or terrible enough that you just want to not say anything anymore.

Um, well, because I want to improve. And so if I want to improve, then I need to stop doing it, right? Well, so, you know, it reminds me, I was thinking about, um, seeing you. I was looking forward to it. Oh, thank you. I really wanted, I really wanted to hear you were doing, um, and it made me think about what it, what it is that we can make most use of today. Um, so jumping into a place where we're now a year and a half later, we talked about self-criticism, self-judgments, how you're, you apologize a lot, avoiding, yeah. Um, and I was really curious about how those things were sitting with you now, a year and a half later, whether they had an impact, and if so, like what kind.

I'm going to be honest, it didn't have an impact at that time. It had more of an impact when I went back and watched the video. And then, um, I could even hear myself being repetitive about, "I'm doing so much better, I'm doing so much better." And now, a year and a half later, I know, yeah, that's where the arrogance was coming from because I wasn't actually doing. I mean, I guess it was, I thought I was doing better than I was. I mean, I'm not saying I'm not doing well, but I am. There were some setbacks, I guess. And, um, so when I watched it again, I had a, I guess, a more open mind, you know? Because when we, when we met before, honestly, I didn't expect to see you again. So, sorry. Surprise. I really didn't expect to see you again. So.

And I, for me, like the objective was more to provide, because before when I would Google borderline personality disorder, the things that would come up were just horrific, and it was annoying. And I, I like that was part of the reason I never wanted to talk about it with people. So I kind of wanted to, I don't know if this is the right word, but humanize it and give, like, a picture of what it looks like usually for most people. So to me, like the therapy was just with us, it was just like a means to an end. Just, I think that makes sense, right? So, like, a means to show people that there's a human side of borderline. Yeah. Um, I actually think you probably achieved that. Okay. I'm gonna give myself credit. I think so too. I'm glad you're giving yourself credit. Thank you. We've gotten pretty far already. How far are we in here? I think we're like three minutes in. Good job. We're all done. We're done.

Um, but it's interesting that the, the adjective you're using is, um, arrogant, that you felt like you were arrogant, which feels like a loaded word. And I wonder if you can just tell me a little more about why you felt arrogance, of of kind of all things, um, after watching the video. I should, I mean, again, with like the dismissiveness. I mean, even so, I have a CBT therapist now. Um, I was hospitalized again last year, and I'm obviously not like opposed to getting better. I would love to get better. Um, being hospitalized was a wake-up call. And so I got a CBT therapist, and I would say I had the same attitude with her in the beginning, where I know that for clinicians, you're not supposed to not like us, but I, there was one point where I was like, "This is therapy 101." Like, just, I took, I think we got over that. We've gotten past that. But she, I mean, she went from seeing me once every week to like every three weeks now. So either I'm just so horrible she doesn't want to see me, or, um, like maybe I don't know, CBT is different, you know? That, like, yeah.

Can you tell me what happened that caused the hospitalization? Yeah. Um, the boyfriend that I was with when you and I were talking, he, um, [Music] well, he cheated on me, which is fine. I don't have an issue with that. I'm fine. I mean, I did have an issue with it, but I'm fine with it now. But, um, so I was trying to, like, be okay with it, but I wasn't okay with it. And, um, so we broke up right after Valentine's Day. But we didn't break up, which is kind of like where it got [ __ ] up, sorry about my language. And, um, but I knew he was still cheating on me, and I was playing this game, and I knew I was playing a game, but I woke up on Saturday and I knew he was with this other person, but I can't, like, say anything. So, um, because we would always hang out on the weekends, and he, and right. So I don't know, I'm gonna get the order messed up here. Either I had been texting him in the morning, and I, I knew from that conversation, like from that text messaging conversation, or the game part was where I bought a bottle of wine, or I already had a bottle of wine, I'm not sure. Um, I definitely bought cigarettes, and I don't smoke cigarettes. And, um, I don't know if we talked on the phone or not, but this is like another part of the game. I was like, "Should I just come over?" And I could tell he was outside of his apartment, and he was like, "No, no, don't do that. Don't do that." And I didn't say anything. But then I went up to the roof of my apartment, my old apartment, and I started cutting myself. And I sent pictures of it. And I sent pictures of it to one of my friends who's not a friend anymore. And she called the police. And then, this is a little ridiculous, I knew that the police were going to come and take me to the hospital. So I painted my nails before they got there because it's like a real quick dryer. And then, um, then they came in, they took me to the hospital, and I was drunk. So it wasn't too bad for a little while. And then it was like, as psych wards go, it was one of my better experiences, and I've had a lot of experiences with the psych ward. Yeah.

Um, how is this one though? You said it was a, a good experience. Can you tell me what you mean by that? This is ridiculous, but they have like level one, level two, and if you make level two, you get to go to a cafeteria and choose your own food. Okay. So I have this urge to sort of like join you right now. Um, and the fact that there were, you painted your nails and got ready and had all these unexpected, um, treats. Maybe, I don't know if it's a treat. It's like, I just, because it's a bonus when you're in the hospital, like they, you can't do anything for a week, like you can't even shave. So I was like, "Well, I, I wanted to, I didn't want my nails to be all messed up." And that's the thing, like I have this urge to go along with this. But I imagine it was probably really hard, which is just the part of just even learning about the cheating, if that's in fact, you know, I don't know if that's in fact what happened, or, um, just the hospitalization in general. I imagine it's not something necessarily that you're aiming to see happen regularly. So if it's happening, I don't mean to interrupt you, but what do you mean like you're not sure if the cheating happened? Because I know that the cheating happened. It might not have necessarily happened on that Saturday, but I'm pretty sure because I knew him pretty well. But the cheating happened. Like I found, like girl's clothes at his place and like a Valentine's Day card, not to me. Like, yeah. So you had evidence. Yeah. Yeah. Like there was an Oprah cookbook, not his, obviously not. Well, so you're, you're pretty certain about it. The reason I said I don't know merely because, you know, it sounds like there are pieces of evidence that you collected, yeah, that indicated something more significant. Yeah. And that was before Valentine's Day, and I was really just trying to, like, make it work. Like, but then at the same time, like, it's not something that I'm okay with. So, like, for Valentine's Day, we had a fun Valentine's Day, but he was like gone during the first part of Valentine's Day, but like texting, but like really busy. And I'm just like, I mean, part of me is like, "Well, at least I got him for, like, the important part of Valentine's Day." So I don't even know if the other person knew about me. I mean, yeah, but my stuff was all over his apartment, so she must have. Anyway, not the point. Sorry, let's get back. I just, like, I just wanted to, like, that kind of, like, hurt my feelings where you were like, "I don't know if it happened." Like, I know it happened. I could tell. I mean, I could tell you had a strong feeling about it. So I'm glad you just, you know, clarified that. But if you back up, I actually thought you might have been referring to something else that I was asking, which was getting hospitalized in the first place. That I'm making an assumption, it's not something that is, um, on your list of things that you, like, want to frequent. No. Right. And I think that's an assumption, but seemingly an accurate one. Yeah. So that's why I'm curious about how that was for you. Because if I were to go along with how you initially presented it, it was kind of like, I did my nails, I had these perks, unexpected perks while there, and it sort of overshadows what it was probably like for you to get hospitalized, especially when you were feeling like you were doing so much better, right?

Yeah, it sucked. Um, and obviously, I was still reeling from the whole thing. Like, I was in so much pain because of what I, at that point, as far as I knew, I'd never been cheated on before. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. I'm sure I have, but that was like the first time. 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