Why avoidant women are always exhausted - And how your relationships can fix this!

Hey guys, welcome back to the channel. I am so glad to be here with you. Happy Wednesday night for everybody in the US, like I am. Everybody overseas, good to see you. Welcome back. It's Thursday for you. And everybody watching this replay, welcome. If you're new to the channel, I'm so glad to have you. If you're here and you've been supporting me for a long time, I am so grateful. Thank you. I can't believe we hit 100,000 followers here on this channel, guys. You are amazing and thank you so, so much.

I did go into the giveaway post and I added in there that I'm going to be commenting and and connecting with each one of the winners. I'm going to be sending you probably an email that you should email and say, "Hey Adam, you know, I'm the winner. Hey, can we work together?" You know, whatever. If you win coaching courses, whatever, make sure that you send that email. I wish that YouTube had a dming. Well, wait a minute, do I actually wish that YouTube had a dming thing? Maybe not. Uh, but uh, I please email me so that we can make sure that you get your prizes. Everybody, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Um, wonderful to see all of you guys in here. Welcome, welcome. Hey Adam, thanks a million for all you do. Coleman, you are so welcome. Thank you for supporting me. I can't do this without you guys. I mean that. I know it's not a throwaway. I really mean that. Uh, Elizabeth, greetings from Colorado. Thank you, Elizabeth. You know, I'm holding my uh, my retreat, the Attachment Immersion Retreat in Colorado in May, so I'll be in your state. That's wonderful to see you. Thank you. You demand. Thank you, Tim. I appreciate that.

Um, okay, what happened last night? One of the hazards of having five kids is, uh, they are frequently sick and messy. So things happen. And, uh, I'm just glad I'm here here tonight. So thank you for always being patient with me, you guys. I appreciate you. Tonight is going to be, why are avoidant women always so tired? Why are avoidant women burned out and exhausted? A lot of you guys here on this channel have been asking for information about avoidant women. I am here tonight to deliver about exactly what's going on with avoidant women and why they are, what is the right way to even say it, chronically fatigued? Why avoidant women experience chronic fatigue? It's part of the reason that a lot of women today experience chronic fatigue. Ladies, if you're in the chat and you're having chronic fatigue issues, say "me." Drop a "me" in the chat. Let me know. Um, but I am here to help tonight. At least for avoidant women, and the tips tonight will help all women, I think, but especially avoidant women. Are avoidant women more likely to cheat? Um, avoidant people are a bit more likely to cheat. Not all of them, uh, but they are a bit more likely to cheat because they don't oxytocin bond, and sex is usually a very dopamine-driven activity for them. So it usually doesn't have the same, uh, emotional intensity attached to it. So they are more likely to engage in casual sex and they are a bit more likely to cheat, especially in the early years. Anxious people are also likely to cheat in, in, uh, in later years, interestingly. Me, me, I'm Da. Me, me.

Okay, ladies, I got you back tonight. We're going to be talking about exactly why avoidant women are so darn tired and chronically fatigued. I'm here to help. Baker, just share my things. Content made realize some patterns. Finally going for therapy and change. Glad to hear that, Baker. Glad to hear that. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep growing. Keep changing. You're going to get there. Let me know what I can do to help you. Any chance of a real interview of an avoidant woman? I would love that. Uh, I am going to be filming more episodes of my podcast here pretty soon. We are trying to get real interviews with avoidant women and I would love to do some live coaching for avoidant women right there on the air and, uh, and and do a whole episode of that.

So Jessica Preston, no way, there you are. Good to see you, Jessica. Guys, personal friend of mine, Jessica Preston. Say hi right there in chat. She is fantastic. Anybody with fertility issues, please contact Jessica immediately. Um, Jessica, I hear that you, I hear that your success rates even beat IVF. That when IVF doesn't work, you can usually make it work. So you're performing human miracles, and I freaking love it. I am, uh, I am all for more babies in this world. So good personal friend of mine. Would you be willing to talk to The Advocate? I told her about you. She sounds interested in doing an interview. Send her over. Have her shoot me an email. Aaron, I, I love to talk to everybody I can. Thank you. 80% success rate, chat. 80% success rate on fertility issues. And when IVF has failed and people give up because IVF isn't good enough, man, talk to Jessica. If anyone out there needs to have a baby, that sounds weird, but do it anyway. You know what I mean? Jessica, thank you for being here. You are, you are a miracle worker and a good friend of mine.

Um, let's talk about avoidant women. Okay, I've, I've danced around this too much, and they're probably sitting there tapping their foot right now, thinking about me wasting their time. So avoidant ladies, why are you chronically fatigued? Um, let's go through the brain chemistry and I'm going to talk to you about this really quick. When you are avoidantly attached, you grow up in a family environment that blocks your oxytocin receptors. What does this mean? It means that people in your life were so stressful, chaotic, uh, arbitrary, of abandoning, um, disconnected, aloof, whatever it might be, that you amped up into your parasympathetic nervous system, and your brain said, "I will never allow anybody to put me in a compromised position like this ever again. I cannot trust other people to be reasonable, and I will not allow other people to have control over me or my life." This was probably you when you were like one or two years old. You may not remember the moment, but there's probably been several moments. It forms what's basically a trauma response to human relationships. What we would call an attachment issue. It is a trauma response against human relationships, especially more intimate ones. You now believe that you can never be vulnerable to anybody because of that initial pool of people you were around. Unfortunately, since then, people have proven you right that you should not connect to them. Now, you did not get oxytocin bonding in childhood. When you're in your sympathetic nervous system, especially chronically, you do not get oxytocin bonding, and your initial family probably didn't provide much anyway. So with low oxytocin, a couple of things are going to happen. Number one, you are going to have very low GABA. Gamma-aminobutyric acid. Oxytocin helps release GABA. It's a one-two combo. "I am loved and cared for, therefore I do not have to be stressed or scared." Oxytocin, GABA. GABA is that inhibitory neurotransmitter that shuts down the expressions of cortisol for severity, length, release time, uh, all of it. Shuts it down. So it allows you to push away stress and say, "I don't have to think about that right now and truly relax." It pulls you out of. Gaba is supposed to really pull you out of that sympathetic nervous system, or at least prevent you from spiking into it. When you have high GABA, you also then take magnesium and synthesize proper melatonin to sleep at night. Corresponding with the amount that you need, you will sleep deeper. When you sleep deeper with melatonin and you're in your parasympathetic nervous system, you are going to get a lot of key things. Number one, more serotonin production, contentment, relaxation. More melatonin, which yes, is going to make you sleep deeper and feel more refreshed. More human growth hormone makes your muscles relax and rejuvenate and strengthen. Uh, more, not relax, but but rejuvenate and strengthen. Better estrogen, best, better fertility rates. Jessica can tell you about this. When you're in your parasympathetic nervous system, your fertility rate goes sky-high. When you're in your sympathetic nervous system, your eggs get locked up, and that's pretty unfortunately common, unfortunately. Okay.

Um, sympathetic nervous system shuts down basically everything good. Avoidant women, chronically, for life, until it's fixed. You can fix this. Okay? You can fix this trauma response. Chronically low oxytocin. Now, low oxytocin also puts down a lot of physical pain. So a lot of high levels of pain that avoidant women feel all the time. Pain, stress, injuries. Oh, it all hurts. Creaky, bad, bad cramping, usually really bad with that. Uh, bad fertility rates, bad estrogen rates, uh, really low immune system operating all the time. Low wound healing, slow to heal, typically not getting good adequate sleep. So you're chronically fatigued from poor quality of sleep. A lot of chronic insomnia, either trouble falling asleep, or trouble staying asleep, or waking up too early, or all of it. Uh, very low threshold for PTSD. So trauma events that happen are more likely to give you a bigger stress response in the future. More trauma response, easier chronic escalated cortisol. So you're stressed out all the time and spiking into your sympathetic nervous system, and you think that's normal. A fish doesn't know it's swimming in water. Fish don't realize that water is just a given. So they don't like, they're not like, "Hmm, what is this substance that I'm swimming in?" They're like, "No, that's just air. That's just always there." That's air. Any more than you and I see oxygen flowing around us, right? We don't give it a second thought. That's empty space. No, it's not empty space, I promise you. Sound is echoing through all of those molecules right now. Okay, fish, same way. Avoidant women, cortisol. Okay, you're swimming in it. You don't even know it.

Um, all of this prevents healing, prevents rejuvenation, prevents being refreshed. Now, evolutionary biology, let's talk about that. Men were more associated with being on the outside of the tribe, going out, facing issues, facing threats and danger, being able to suppress that cortisol and still be productive. Higher likelihood of vasopressin bonding because we have more receptors for it. Uh, able to dissociate from certain feelings at certain times. Men can do this really excessively well, too well. Women can do it sometimes too, but men especially are primed for it. Solution-focused brains developed in a certain way, everything, for facing stress. And then come home. Women primarily designed, not completely, and not, not incapable of handling stress, but designed to be insulated on the inside. And the lower the stress threshold is, the higher the reported feeling of safety, the higher fertility, higher sex drive, higher bonding, higher quality of life, everything. So the more oxytocin flow a woman has, the better she feels, the more love she feels, the more she is likely to feel aroused and actually want to breed and have children. Right now, we've got a massive situation going on with society where unmarried, childless women will become the largest demographic in the United States. I'm not saying they're bad people. I'm saying that's incredibly unusual from a mammalian species that survives by breeding. Makes sense? Something's setting off our emotions and setting us off and spiking our instincts. And that happens to be attachment issues. Attachment issues say, our, our society is unstable. Get safe. Decrease breeding. Don't have babies at all, or minimize it. Right now. Now, because it's not likely to work for us, maybe you have one when you're 40, and that will continue the species population will decline. Food rates will increase over time. Survival, right? Basic survival. This is why avoidant women are exhausted. Usually low sex drive, especially later into the relationship. If they do have a sex drive, it's usually from ovulation during their period, or during their cycle, I should say. Driven by dopamine. It's more physical and manual, and they want to get it done. They're more likely to have a partner that they're sort of like, you know, they schedule it and milk you like a goat twice a week kind of thing to get the job done. Much more likely. Um, but they're going to be exhausted because they are chronically, what, what the TikTok crowd would call in their masculine energy. Right? Some people like that phrasing, some don't. But what that means is they are perpetually in their sympathetic nervous system, amped up stress response, uh, chronically assessing risks, handling challenges, and afraid and facing dangers, even perceived dangers. Okay, that's in their masculine. You can do this, ladies, and you can, I'm not saying you can't. But it's a completely, completely unoptimized state for you. Like destructive for you. We're talking early rates of breast cancer, early rates of ovarian cancer, early rates of cervical cancer, early rates of all of these different kind of killer cancers. Early rates of, uh, Alzheimer's associated with this and dementia. Early rates of strokes, heart attacks, all kinds of physical and mental problems that can break you down. Right now, the research indicates about 25% of American women are on some sort of psych med right now. Women are not happier than before. They're more unhappy than ever. It's not just from romantic partners not being there. It's from family and friend networks, kith and kin networks, is what we call it, breaking down. So women are now alone and isolated in the world. Imagine you're like an, a, a gatherer alone in a dark forest with like one pointy stick, and you're now navigating a lone dark forest by yourself, afraid of leopards, bears, uh, weird guys jumping out from behind trees. "Hey, you're really pretty." Right? Like that's threatening. This is dating by the way, nowadays. This is why I don't teach cold approach. Because imagine leaping out from behind a tree at a woman who's scared and screaming at her that she's really pretty. What was that movie? Um, Deliverance. You got a pry mouth. Wasn't that the line right there? That's what women hear with cold approach, you guys. This is why I do not recommend it.

Avoidant women are exhausted, biologically, hormonally, neurochemically, uh, physically. They are exhausted and run into the ground. Women are meant to refresh at the core of the tribe and feel safe and connected. Get all of their rejuvenation there. With other women, with men on the outside, feel safe and connected, get rested, oxytocin goes up, GABA goes up, melatonin goes up, estrogen goes up, human growth hormone goes up, serotonin level goes up, immune system goes up, adrenals refresh. Everything becomes better. Okay? Now I have more to give to my family. Now I have more to give to my friends. Now I have more to give. Right? So many women are running on empty and they're like, "Here, have cobwebs." And that's pretty much all they've got lately, right? Ladies, let me know in chat. Are you guys resonating with this? Is this, is this making sense? I would love to hear from you. Sorry, I got on a huge rant with that. I know it, but I'm going to, I'm checking in with you guys in chat right now. Is this resonating? Give me chat. Give me a yes. Give me a no. Let me know. Christine says, "Yes." Okay.

Um, it's a biological mechanism. We don't feel it necessarily. There we go. There we go. Study shows helps with lithium. I love it. I love it. Jessica, I'd love to hear your thoughts really quick. Uh, L-theanine. Eleanine, uh, especially paired with a bit of magnesium glycinate. I've been seeing that Eline is one interesting. They're thinking one interesting way to navigate around the oxytocin loss. So even if you haven't fixed your relationship to get oxytocin yet, taking some Eline, like 400 milligrams at night, can stimulate GABA production. And then paired with that magnesium glycinate can then create some melatonin to sleep more naturally. So you don't have that hangover effect the next day like you're just taking straight melatonin. What are your thoughts on that, Jessica? I would love to hear from you guys. By the way, I shoot Jessica text all the time like this and bother her with this. So I recommend you guys make sure you're following Jessica. Follow her on here, Instagram, everywhere.

Uh, absolutely yes. This is resonating. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. I do it, but I'm a shift worker. I have some of this in me. Those are yes. So sometimes you're gonna have shift work from issues like that from shift work. And sometimes you are open to doing shift work because you're like, "This is already a lot." A lot of avoidant women get into really high-pressure careers, really high-pressure areas and jobs and tasks and everything because they thrive in stress and chaos anyway. So they're like, "Why the f not?" And they just do it. Um, a lot of avoidant women, they're like, "Well, yeah, I have these problems because I moved away from my family and friends and live in a different continent." And I'm like, "No, you moved away from your family and friends and live on a different continent probably because you were avoidant, and now it has increased the problem." That, right? Most women typically are not like, "I think I'm just going to move away and be utterly completely socially and physically isolated from everyone I've ever known." That's not typically a behavior associated with securely attached women. Again, you think hunter or gatherer. She's a woman who's not going to be like, "You know, I kind of feel like leaving all of you behind and going to live alone. I think it'll be cool." You know, "Yeah, saber-tooth tiger could eat me, but, oh well." Very few women really do that. Yes, there are some. Yes, I'm totally aware of it. 100%. Um, but by and large, the women who are more avoidant are like, "Well, you know, I don't really have that deep of a connection to these people anyway, and I never really have. So it doesn't, I'm not really losing much if I go make this, this jump." There's the piece, right? That deep, deep oxytocin connection will keep them rooted. That is like putting down roots. That is that oxytocin connection. Generally speaking.

Can you link Jessica in the notes? Good question. Jessica, what would I link to in the notes? What, what your website? Eline plus magnesium isn't just benefit with melatonin, it's also the feeling of relaxation. 100% stress reduction, further decreasing cortisol. Support you. Par. Something. Jessica, I implore you, start a YouTube channel on here where you talk about this stuff. Please. I will, I will host you more. Please, please, please. Um, Jessica, what is, what is your website? DeNovo Fertility, if I'm remembering right. Um, drop, drop your link in the chat if you would, Jessica, please. Um, drop your website link in there so everyone can see it and everyone can start following you.

Wait a minute, you're saying cold approach is bad? I thought women want to be approached in person. Uh, women want to be approached typically by people they know. Now, lone, isolated women are sometimes wanting to find, I mean, they're kind of wanting to find a husband. But again, imagine that you are a lone gatherer with like a little like hide dress and a sharp stick in a forest, and there's all these dudes popping out from behind trees. "Hey, you're really pretty." Like, you know, the terror, right? Odds are not good of it landing very well. Occasionally, can it land okay? Maybe, maybe if she's at that moment calm and receptive, and you do it in a careful kind of way. But this is why cold approach often does not land very well, okay? This is, this is why I don't teach it. It's like the worst possible way to connect to a human woman on the planet. And the ones who are going to usually be receptive to it are probably the ones who are really desperate and terrified and afraid, and they're just happy to get some attention. So just kind of keep that in mind, okay? Form, at minimum, form a bit of a friendship with somebody first so that she is not threatened by you.

Sarah, that's not true. A lot of people left their homeland seeking better environment for life, fleeing from poverty. Little bit different. Little bit different from voluntarily packing up and moving and being like, "You know what? I'm going to go on a fun adventure and leave everyone alone." But like, "Hey, my quality of life is incredibly low, and I am driven, or I will starve and die." Like, totally different circumstance there, Sarah. Totally different circumstance. Totally different. But I will say, if you're in an environment where you're starving and dying, that is exactly the environment that would foster attachment issues. So very likely that there could be some avoidant tendencies there too. Avoiding tendencies don't have to be bad. They're a survival mechanism. They are as bad as you are willing to manipulate. There we go.

Hey, didn't I just post on my community post about how everyone tells me it's always the, it's, I never say it's the avoidant fault, and I always tell avoidant, they got to fix it. Don't stay avoidant. Fix your avoidant tendencies. Right there. We go. PSA for the month. Um, Jessica, just starting our YouTube channel. Beautiful. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Um, what if you're both anxious and avoidant, Linda? Good question. What if you're both anxious and avoidant? That's called disorganized style. There's two blends of that. One is quiet disorganized. A lot of very smart, financially savvy women are quiet disorganized. Avoiding on the outside, and not resist, not angrily so, but just distant and aloof. Quiet little core of anxious attachment on the inside. They never really tell anyone about feelings of insecurity and inferiority. And then they are just, they appear disinterested to everyone around them. And they're always puzzled about why people don't really connect to them. And they only usually connect to the guys who are willing to push excessively hard to drive through and then like love bomb the crap out of her. And then it turns out he's wildly unstable, generally speaking, over and over and over.

Archon, am I no longer a member? I don't know. Your name's not green, so I guess not. Um, Dozer, guess what? I got to go to my male-dominated job so I can be avoided by my coworkers. There's the spirit, Dozer. There's the spirit. Yeah. Uh, a lot of avoidant women, um, excel in those industries that are more male-dominated. Masculine energy tends to help in that direction. Uh, there's always variance within humanity as well. So what's true for 90% of women isn't always true for, you know, the last 10% of women.

Jessica, YouTube channel is DeNovo Wellness and Fertility at DeNovo Fertility. There you go. There you guys go. At DeNovo, D-E-N-O-V-O Fertility. DeNovo Fertility. Right there. Boom. So ladies, avoidant or anxious, if you're having fertility issues, I, I hosted Jessica on this channel not that long ago. If you're having fertility challenges and you're concerned about IVF, or you have ethical concerns with IVF, right? A lot of religious, ethical concerns with IVF. Or if you've tried IVF and it hasn't worked. Or you want to save your money and don't want to throw your life savings at IVF, go talk to Jessica. Go talk to her. Got an 80% success rate without the ethical concerns and without the desperation even of of IVF. Um, I love the effects of. Oh, okay. Hair loss. Yeah, try to stay away from hair loss inducing things. They're generally pretty bad for you. Generally pretty bad for you.

Is it always your fault? No matter what? Yes. Yes, always. No, no. None of this is anybody's fault. Keep in mind. Um, attachment issues. You, you should never yell at someone for having attachment issues. It's like, "How dare you have received traumatic experiences as a small child and now still be wounded? What a monster." That's why I don't do that here on this channel, you guys. That's why I don't yell at avoiding people. Now, if they're hurtful and manipulative, yes, we need to have some very serious talks. Okay? Same with anxious people, by the way. Anxious people who are toxic, I am not going to cater to that either here on this channel. Neither manipulative avoidant or toxic anxious. We don't put up with those sort of hurtful, controlling, manipulative behaviors from either side, okay? Ethical avoidance, nurturing anxious, and both types of disorganized. Yes, you guys are here. We're happy to take care of you. Other people outside of that, we are happy to work with you if you want to work with us. But please understand that you cannot be hurtful and controlling and domineering, okay?

Problem also can see Adam Lan Smith on the new health TV show. That's right, Jessica. Thank you. I was on Jessica's television show. Did you guys know that she has a full-on TV show? It was amazing. I was there. It was beautiful. There were eight episodes. You can check it out. Um, man, Jessica, we gotta like pump this thing out where everybody sees it everywhere.

Sarah, Adam, can you tell how can you tell if a person has attachment issues or more serious psychological issues like bipolar or autistic spectrum? You know, Sarah, I did a whole video on this, um, maybe three or four months ago. Difference between autism, uh, avoidance, and, um, I don't remember what the third one was. But I, I did a whole breakdown video for this. You can go check out that video here on my YouTube channel. If you type autism into the YouTube channel, it'll bring up that video because I, I think it's one of the only ones I've ever done with the autistic features, uh, specifically.

Um, we use attachment theory in our relationship. I told you guys. I told you it's good stuff. There we go. There we go. Um, what questions in chat? What questions do you have about avoidant women? What, what questions do you have about avoidant women here tonight? That's the topic of the night. What questions do you have about avoidant women that chronic fatigue, the neurobiology, and the bonding of relationships? If a person's bipolar, autistic, I think fixing attachment would not be enough for them. Um, no matter what issue you might be facing, having attachment issues exacerbates it out of control. So fixing the attachment can bring at least immense relief from symptoms, often multiple opportunities for fixing some of those challenges or managing them better. Um, or at minimum, brings relief from pain. Remember that oxytocin, um, helps tremendously. Now, bipolar, absolutely. I believe 100% that bipolar can be very effectively treated with attachment issues. Why do I believe this? Because I was a licensed marriage and family therapist who worked with couples and individuals, and I worked extensively with people who had bipolar all the time. And I know from what I've seen is when a person struggles with bipolar, they usually have massive insecurity on the inside, either anxious or usually more disorganized detachment style. Incredible pressure to perform and look perfect. And as that swells on the right side brain and the inflammation goes up and up and up as pressure mounts, they start heading toward having a seizure. Now, instead of having a seizure, they release a chemical cocktail through their brain that shuts down their prefrontal cortex and the overthinking in the judgment center. Turns that off chemically. And they go into a binging, pleasure-seeking mode, or venting mode. And then they start running into the ground with a manic or hypomanic episode. As they do this, it decreases the pressure on the emotional right side brain and gets them away from seizure. As this happens, they begin doing things they massively regret, or at minimum, starts exposing them to more ridicule, or they're afraid it will. They come out of it and say, "Oh my God, what have I done?" Plunge into overwhelming depression. But also their chemical cocktail is all off. So they're probably primed for that depression plunge anyway, and they crash down and say, "What have I done? My life is ruined." Now they're in an even more dire straight than before, and are under more pressure to perform, queuing up the next manic episode. This is what bipolar looks like from a chemical standpoint. I've worked with doctors, medication providers who agree fully on this view. Now, what I've seen is that when we get people with bipolar in and extensively treat their attachment issues and build functional, stable, healthy relationships with very clear expectations where they can manage them, I've seen those manic episodes plunge to the point where they can come off their medication and not have manic episodes anymore. Now, I'm not saying it cures all cases of bipolar. I am saying I have seen this anecdotally through the, the work I've done repeatedly, and other practitioners and other med providers and doctors have also shared that data with me as well. So our understanding of bipolar is a purely medical, chemical issue that you just magically are born wrong, and that you needed chemicals and things that we don't have, that nature never provided, and it's just there. You're born chemically. No, that's not actually factual. So there we go. That's it. That's my thought. Love to hear you guys's thoughts.

Cody, bonding would start from vasopressin exercises like run clubs, work setting, sports coaching, exactly. So with avoidant people, we need to begin vasopressin bonding first. Their stress levels are massively high. Their sympathetic nervous system is very activated chronically, and their oxytocin receptors are blocked. This is why you can't snuggle them into loving you. It makes their skin crawl, and they want to claw their, their arms off and jump out the window. You need to resolve the stress first, which tags you in their brain as a, as a trusted ally. As this happens, when they're in your presence, their sympathetic nervous system begins to calm and deactivate enough that their oxytocin receptors begin to open, and then they sort of desire that connection with you, and you're able to oxytocin bond with them. I talked about this extensively in my new video that was released a few days ago, well, maybe a week ago, how to use sex to bond with an avoidant, right? Avoidant man in particular, uh, helping them soothe and relax and calm down from their sympathetic nervous system, helping pull them into their parasympathetic nervous system through vasopressin bonding, and then initiating oxytocin bonding after that. One, two. Right? Very important that you get that chemical cocktail correct. Um, in autism, nasal oxytocin is frequently prescribed to help oxytocin binding, both for children and adults. There we go. 100%. There we go. Jessica, I get ladies all the time. They're like, "Can I get some of that oxytocin spray? He's sleeping. I can just right there." Like, "Yeah, I, I hear you. I hear you. We'll get there." Um, actually, I was, I was reading some research recently, Jessica. I don't know if you saw this, or maybe the one that told me, um, that they're actually looking at oxytocin spray as a replacement for male erection problems instead of Viagra. Because oxytocin, as you know, drives the male erection. So a lot of erection difficulties in men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s is not driven by health problems like we used to think, and it's not Viagra that you need. It's actually oxytocin bonding. So a lot of avoidant men have erection difficulties, especially as they look at porn and stop bonding with people anyway, or struggle to bond with people. So the, the bonding is very important. A lot of couples are not doing foreplay anymore at all. It's just like, "All right, they do this on the porno. They just strip, strip butt naked and jump straight into intercourse." And neither couple is ready for that yet. Neither person in the couple is ready for that. So then it doesn't work. Building the oxytocin bond, incredibly important. So I've seen that that's actually going to overtake Viagra as the biggest, uh, the biggest, um, driver of of erection difficulty, uh, medication.

Sarah, is it possible that one was both in childhood but changed? Is it possible that one is avoidant in childhood but changed anxious disorganized later in adulthood? I was a child. I have a lot of classic avoidant behaviors. Became anxious later. You know what's possible? Is that significant pain in childhood formed both? But because you were in very hard survival mode and your brain was recognizing that the problem was people around you, the anxious piece didn't necessarily activate. Quiet disorganized. I've seen this happen. And as they grow up and they start getting into more adult relationships, more romantic connections, and things later, outside of their original family network, that's where those anxious pieces start really coming in. And especially as people don't receive them well, and they don't, they don't understand why people don't approach them, why people ghost them, why people leave them behind, why people aren't seemingly interested in forming relationships. It's actually usually because that quiet disorganized woman is sending like, "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk" signals, and she doesn't realize it. Cuz she never learned how to send healthy signals. Cuz she had never had occasion to send healthy, like, "Please talk to me" signals, because it was "Please get the hell away from me" signals, right? So it's possible that the, the anxious pieces especially become more pronounced and noticeable as she gets older. I've seen that quite a few times. So it's possible. It's possible for more trauma to trigger different pieces. But I, I very rarely see true late-onset anxious pieces. Late-onset avoidant tendencies from pain, absolutely. Late-onset anxious pieces? No, not typically. Those are usually underlying. They just didn't activate because you were in such survival mode. Typically, not saying absolute, but typically that's what I've seen. Sarah, there we go. Loving this conversation tonight, you guys. Is there any way in avoiding female stress and fatigue can be mistaken for ADHD? Absolutely. So couple key indicators here. When you are emotionally escalated on the right side brain, your logical brain is diminished. The functioning is diminished. So focus centers, front left brain, for example. Uh, language centers, back left brains, articulation will go down. Focus will be difficult. High levels of unregulated cortisol from low oxytocin, low GABA, that can mimic high levels of, well, anxiety. You're gonna have a lot of anxiety, but you're also gonna have a difficulty time focusing. You're gonna be more dopamine focused and trying to reconnect to dopamine pieces. Just will tell you that there's also markers and individuals who need who have, uh, lower sensitivity to dopamine anyway. So when that's paired with avoidant attachment style, it can very much look like really severe ADHD. It's also possible to have ADHD and avoidant tendencies. It just so happens that when you have ADHD, a lot of people in childhood yell at you for having symptoms of ADHD. So it's very likely you will develop some attachment issues. You tend to get yelled at for, "You're not focusing. Stop being that way. Stop doing that." If your parents weren't super connected to your, or teacher screaming at you, or grandparents, or whoever it, it very often goes hand in hand to be neurodivergent and have attachment issues that were exacerbated by being yelled at for being neurodivergent. So, uh, or cause PCOS. I have seen massive fertility issues associated with attachment issues. Jessica and I talked about that in our episode here on this channel. Not saying it causes PCOS. Could it? Could it contribute significantly? Could there be a variety of factors? Is that a suggestive enough face? That's my suggestive face.

Oxytocin for men for ED is still fairly theoretical with studies pending. It does increase erections and sperm count. Yep, it does increase erections and sperm count. There you go. I know that. Um, one thing that has worked for a lot of couples that I've worked with is they're like, "Well, I don't know, he just can't get it up." And I'm like, "Well, what are you guys doing?" "Well, I walk in the room and I just take off my clothes and we just start going at it." Well, yeah, that's no warm-up at all. Maybe he's a guy who actually has emotional connection and wants the connection. Have you ever laid down and kissed and spooned with him behind you, and you know, wiggle your butt a little, you know, kind of thing? Make out, wiggle your butt. It tends to work pretty good. Access to groping on the front and all kinds of good stuff, usually. This gets the motor running for the guy pretty quick when nothing else was. So oxytocin bonding, connection, touch, all of it. Yes, there's a connection between attachment. PCOS. There we go. Jessica, there we go. I'll leave the medical things up to Jessica. She's more qualified for medical pieces right there. So there we go. Chaos in the brain. That's it.

Can avoidant women be attracted to avoidant men? I have seen that, um, but it's usually when an ethically avoidant woman is connected, attracted to a manipulative avoidant man, and he is love bombing the absolute crap out of her. So he out-masculines her, out-survivals her, out-lone wolfs her. So she feels calm and safe enough in his presence because she's like, "Wow, he gets it. He's just like me. He's just as paranoid as I am. When the zombies attack, he'll actually help me survive." But then he flips that on her and is manipulating her. She gets the first taste of oxytocin she's ever had. This is one of the few instances of late-onset anxious behaviors that I've ever seen right here, going back to you, Sarah. Um, this is one of the few instances I've seen where he will trigger anxious feelings in her because she gets oxytocin, and then she becomes obsessively addicted to it, and now behaves in an anxious ways toward him. And then he manipulates that and uses it against her, which is exactly why she refused to ever let anyone get close to her before anyway. And he triggers that and then does use it against her. That's what I've seen. Ladies in chat, if you, if you're feeling brave, let me know. Is this anything that you have gone through? Okay, let me know. I would love to hear. But, um, I've seen this a few times with avoidant women, and that this happens. Been there. Yeah. There we go. There we go. See, thank you for having the guts. I'm sure a number of us here have had that.

If avoidant causes erection difficulties, what causes premature? I'm going to let someone else talk to you about what handles premature. But one thing that does cause premature, anxious attachment. I hate to say it for guys. Massive performance anxiety, massive overstimulation, flooding with oxytocin, over excitement, and then under stimulation of those muscles so that they lack control. And then they get overly emotionally excited, over emotionally stimulated, overly focused. Poof. I've seen that happen quite a few times. So I shouldn't say I've seen that happen. I have had clients who have reported that that has been happening to them, okay? Let me specify. I know this is the internet. It does happen and often it can be associated with anxious attachment, massive performance anxiety, but over stimulation at the same time. So there you go. Completely different mechanism. Yeah. 100%. Jessica, 100%. 100%. I've gone through that. Very manipulative man had me going, then ghosted me. That's it. That's it right there. Yeah. I've seen that a number of times. And that's exactly why avoidant women are avoidant is because they're afraid of that. Unfortunately, their isolation leaves them vulnerable to the sharpest of predators. The one behavior they're doing to protect themselves from threats actually leaves them the most vulnerable to the worst, worst of threats. Yes, they cut out the middle ground threats, but they, they leave themselves most exposed to to the worst of the worst, unfortunately.

Um, I'm avoidant and only attracted to avoidants with the manipulative time first. But after recognizing that, last with ethical. Well, Emily, ethically avoidant people are pretty awesome as long as they are working toward a secure relationship with you. Okay? They have to be engaging in the secure behaviors with you. They have to be able to have transparent conversations. You can't be like, "Hey, I need to talk to you about something that, you know, it's a challenge in our relationship, but I want to work on it." They're like, "Hold that thought," and they dive out the window, steal a car, and drive to Mexico. They, they have to actually stay there and have the conversation with you. They can do the avoidant thing, which is like this. They're, their eyes get big, their nostrils flare, and they kind of turn and they look at you with only one eye, like a bird inspecting you because they're about to eat you. And they're like, "Right?" And their eyelids peel back, and you could see their, like, their body locks rigid, and they're like, "I never move." And they have that look, right? The, like, something is bad could happen, and they're waiting to make their escape. But they're listening. They have to be willing to listen. And then they have to be willing to have those conversations with you, okay? If they can do that, then you can make it work. And over time, they should be trusting you more and making more obvious efforts and more, more intentional efforts, let's say, think of it that way. So yes, workable. Just responsibility. Yeah. It might have ended because he dove out the window like that. I did flip a little anxious with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear, Sarah. Yeah, I think that's true. I became anxious after I went through toxic intimate relationship and when I was 18, but I think if I were more avoidant, I would have left that guy more easily. Well, if I, only I was more avoidant.

Reminds me of what is that, what is that joke from, uh, so there's Futurama, but they had Space Titanic. Oh, the fools, they only made the ship with 6,000 holes. If only they had made it with 6,000 one holes. Now, at some point, at some point, it's not the armor that's keeping you safe. At some point, it is the skill of driving, or or, or the clarity around building more secure relationships, the clarity around compatibility testing, the clarity around using like my four levels of trust, the clarity around how to filter people in a better way so that you don't have to wear a bulletproof vest because you know that the gun is unloaded and the person's not aiming it at you. Things like that. If only I had worn six layers of body armor today. No, you know, if only I had spent time around people that were not waving a gun at me. That's, that's more the difference, if that makes sense. If that makes sense.

Bloodbath Mcash, will this video be available to watch later? Yes, this video is going to be recorded. And hello to everybody who's watching this later. Yeah, usually there's usually thousands of replays on this video on, on, on these live streams. So yes, absolutely. This will be available. If you want to watch this with somebody special, do so.

Um, I'm avoidant, 18 months in, I'm finding this presence annoying. Yeah, remember that avoidantly attached people, you have that novelty dopamine. Since you're not properly oxytocin bonding typically, you'll have novelty dopamine that dies at six months. And then their expectations are increasing for commitment. Your expectations are tanking. Avoidant women can make it a year, year and a half, two years, but they're like, "What's the point?" Right? And it gets worse. And then the desire dwindles, sex drive dwindles, everything starts to really taper off. And it's like, "Well, time to continue the long, long, disappointing death march of life." And then it just goes. But then you're going to find everything is annoying. All the cartilage is worn out of the joint, so you feel every bone scraping, and it all goes downhill. A lot of avoidant women come in at that point. They're like, "Adam, I don't want to like leave him or cheat on him, but I've never been more miserable in my life. What the hell am I supposed to do?" And it's, it's learning to initiate the oxytocin bonding on purpose. Absolutely crucial. Absolutely crucial to make that relationship work, which is 100% doable. I just want to make that clear. A lot of avoidant women are like, "Well, probably won't work for me." Every avoidant woman is like, "Well, it's been a good run, but it probably won't work for me." No, it is. It's a natural biological process. Unless you are the most extreme mutant that humanity has ever seen, it is a natural biological process. Okay? We can study this in mice. We can study it in coyotes. We can study it in raccoons. We have it in you. It is in you as well. I believe in you. You have at least as much capacity as a mouse or a raccoon. Okay? Harness your inner mouse and learn to groom and connect with other mice, and life will be beautiful. It is 100% doable.

I'm currently taking your attachment boot camp. Should I worry about knowing what type of attachment style I have? Honestly, no. Honestly, no. Attachment styles, I refused to even talk about them for the first year that I did this because I didn't want people to hyper-fixate on, "Which one am I? Which one am I?" No. The answer is, look, I'm insecurely attached. I'm kind of in this area mostly. But the secure attachment is where I want to be. So let me move towards secure behaviors. Okay? That's that's the point. Everybody here, please don't get hyper-fixated on which, like, which one is my sign. Don't, don't do that. Please become secure wherever you're at. Become secure. If you are in a

Puddle of flaming gasoline. Get out of the puddle of gasoline. Okay, don't try to talk about which color the puddle is. Get out of the puddle of gasoline. Be safe. That's that's that's the thing. Okay.

Do not identify as a style and say, "This is who I am from now on." Don't anyone ever do that, okay? Please. I'll find you. All right, have to scoot. It was nice to see you. Hey, thank you, Jessica, for being here. Much love. Take care. See you soon.

Uh, funny but legitimate concern. If the avoidant partner of you guys comes in and discovers that we both have been talking about him behind his back, wouldn't this make him her angry? Funny but legit. Gentle. If the avoidant partner of you guys comes in and discovers we've been talking about him behind his back. I'm missing something. Who's the third person? Your partner? You? You have an avoidant partner? I'm missing something here, Sarah. Who's the third person? Is it me? Are you, are you working with, like, coaching with me or what is it? What? Help me understand.

Um, avoidants don't like being talked about. Yeah, generally they don't. And they're very private people. Um, but a problem-solving session that you immediately take to them could be helpful. Think of it that way. Uh, imagine if everyone just wore a sign or T-shirt with identifiers. Yeah, but I mean, Linda, I get that. But the goal is like to become secure, right? Like a meter, a meter, like insecure towards secure with, like, you know, 40% progress or 80% progress. That would be helpful. That would be helpful. You, we, we, your tracking meter. Okay, where do that? That would be like the mood rings. Yeah, a mood ring. Uh, it's green for avoidant. Sorry, like, no, wait. It's going teal. Okay, we're getting closer. Like, there you go. I, you know, you're trying. I, you're telling me you want to work with me, but I see your ring is red. You know, stuff like that. That would be great. Loading 60%, 100%. There. Yes, exactly.

Uh, remember that of the three chemistry types for dating, the third one, attachment chemistry, needs to be a, a, about 80% securely attached where you can build secure relationships with the other person without freaking out. 100%. I need a remade secure shirt. When the work is done, I will 100%. We will get that figured out. We will definitely get that figured out.

All right, guys, I am out for the night. This was great. It was so wonderful connecting with you. Thank you to everybody watching the replay. Thank you to everybody who helped us get to 100,000 followers. Make sure you check your notifications to see if I replied to your message, asked you to email me so that we can get you your prizes for the giveaways. There were two giveaways. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. If you missed it, check out the two big explosive videos that are going hot right now on this channel. One is how to trigger an oxytocin response in your avoidant partner. Check that video out right there if this one resonated. And the other one is how to use sex to bond with an avoidant man. Check that one out as well.

All of the material here on this channel that talks about avoidant men, by the way, the absolute vast majority of it is all fully applicable to women as well, okay? They have a little bit extra intricacies with them that's a little bit more unique to the female biology and neurobiology, but by and large, the, the avoidant material on here supersedes gender and is instead simply focused on fixing the avoidant tendencies and helping them through it. Remember that the point is to fix the attachment and move through it and become secure. We are not standing here letting the avoidant person stay avoidant for life. That would be failure. The things I'm trying to teach you are supposed to foster secure attachment and inspire them to take action. And avoiding people out there, you do have a responsibility to be ethical and then to work towards secure attachment with your partner because they need it, and frankly, so do you. Nobody should stay in the puddle of flaming gasoline, and I'm sorry, it is simply not fine, no matter what the dog meme might say.

So thank you, everybody, for being here. So happy to see you. I'm going to be streaming a lot more over the next week and a half as we head down into Thanksgiving toward the end of the month. So actually, the next 10 days, a lot more live streams. My coaches, um, Jeremy and Alyssa, are also going to be live streaming on various platforms with me or even on their own. Jessica, not Jessica, um, sorry, Alyssa. Jessica was here. Alyssa's gonna pop in and talk about feminine energy, feminine work, uh, being a woman with attachment challenges and how to resolve those things. Femininity and masculinity, she's going to be talking about that. Jeremy's going to be talking about masculine leadership and being that masculine leader in your relationship, in your home, being a masculine husband, being a masculine father, how important and crucial that is. He's also going to be talking about some holistic health and how men can begin in the right ways to regain confidence, even if they have none. So a lot of that stuff is coming. You guys, so happy to be here tonight. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. So glad to talk to you. I will see everybody again really soon. Good night.