Transcription
Let me greet you with the Mexican hello. That's how we say hello. Hey George, I want you to meet my family. Oh, don't forget your cousin in the wheelchair. Cuz all Mexican families have a relative in the wheelchair. If you don't have one, let me know, I'll get you one. And it's never a good wheelchair, and somebody has to push him. He can't push himself. Your grandma push, your cousin push, your push your cousin. You should be happy your legs work out. Push your cousin. That's how we say hello to somebody we haven't seen in 20 years. And it's never happy. Not a long time no see, Mexican, where you been? Pushing my cousin. Somebody's far away. Say hi to me. It went like that. You turned away before I came back up. As, wait for me, man, wait for me. Cuz that's the way we are. We grow up so insecure. It's always, "Wait for me." You forget something. Oh, I forgot my jacket. Away from me. Not, "I'll be right back." Hey, I got my keys in there. Wait for me, man. Don't wait for me. Why are we like that? Because when you're a little kid, you have to go pee. What does your mom say? "Hurry up, come on, because we're not going to wait for you." Wait for me. Come on, Mr. Pee-ch. Let's go.
Do you ever have that crazy aunt that whenever she drinks, they pee anywhere? Right there. By the time you turn around, she's already down. Man, man. And what do they do? They're so messed up, they tuck their dress in. Everyone's looking at me, and nobody says anything. Leave her like that. That way she learns. Everything that happens to us is so we'll learn. You get hit, sit right there. That way you'll learn. Sit. And we're always all right. We're so afraid of making trouble. We're always all right. You can get hit by a car. "Oh my God, are you all right?" "I'm all right." "Don't mess with me in the front yard." "I'm all right." No, they're going to run my social security number. I'm all right. And what are we always doing? Nothing. What are we up to? Hey, what are you doing over there? Nothing. We're never doing nothing. Hey, what'd you do this weekend? Nothing.
Latinos are direct opposites of everybody else. Some people are happy to see other people; they wave them over. "Oh my God, look everyone, it's Duncan! Duncan! Oh my God, we're totally over here." They're 9 feet away. They call you on the cell phone. "Oh my God, I'm totally right here." Latinos are never happy. We look, look who's over there. Man, son of a, have the chair, have the chair, have the chair, have the chair. Don't look over there, don't look over there, don't look over there. Pretend we're talking. Pretend we're talking. Look at my face. Pretend we're talking. He saw me. He saw me. Liar, say, "Swear to God, swear to God, swear to God." Come on in. You saw me. Look, might as well.
We're different people. Some people won't wait in line. They'll see a line. "Oh God, there is a line." Mexican, we're waiting in line. We don't even know what the line's for. Go get in line, go get in line. And once you get in, you let everyone in. They're not going to get you. Come on, different people. We're not happy for anybody. A true Latino is never happy when other people do well. Our first instinct is negative. "Did you hear Ruben got a job at the hospital?" "The marijuana? Marijuana working at the hospital? I'm going to call up, watch. Hello Hospital, Ruben's a marijuana over that way. He'll learn." My grandmother, I learned from my grandma. My grandma, 82 years old, everything she says is negative. Everything. "Grandma, you hear about Maria? What? That she's pregnant?" "No, she's getting married." "Like I said, with blue eyes." "Shadow, so you can see it." They keep their eyes closed. "Are you going to go to the wedding?" "I went to the first three. She got four kids getting married in a white dress. A white dress, a white, a white dress." She should get married in a white dress with black sleeves and a hole in the front. But tell her I said hi. Bring me a plate. That's all I want. We never say congratulations. You ever see people, man, that happy for other people? "Oh God, you're awesome! Congratulations, you rock!" We never, never say congratulations. What do we say? "Oh, so now you think you're all that, or what? We'll still kick your ass. Yeah." Go to the Hallmark store and look for that card. "Can I help you, sir?" "Yeah, you don't have a 'You're a bad-ass' card? Liars, I swear to God, swear to God. How about you ain't shit balloon? You don't have one of those? You got, don't have nothing in here." We need our own greeting cards. We need, we need 'Meico' greeting cards, cuz the ones at the stores are too happy. We don't understand that. You need one that says, "Heard about your new job? Don't mess it up like the last time."
We're tough from the time we're kids. You get that tough love. Little babies cry, the mothers run over. "Oh my God, Caitlyn, are you all right?" "There he goes, let him cry. Let him cry, it's good for his lungs. Let him cry, let him cry. Turn the music up, I don't need this. Turn that mil—" Then they go pick you up. Don't pick him up, don't pick him up, he's going to get used to it. Don't pick him up. Now you messed him up. Now he's going to want you to hold them and change them. You may as well have another one, cuz you messed that one up. Different people. We trick you into thinking they're helping. We wait till you sit down. "Reuben, what are you doing right now?" "Right now, I'm not doing nothing." "Help me fix my truck. I got to pull the transmission out and put a new one in." "All you mean right now? Right now?" "Yeah." "I can't do it right now, right now." "When?" "Probably later, later, later, but not right now, right now." You should have told me before. Old school. We're always late. We're late because none of the clocks work in our houses. They all need batteries. The TV is the clock; it's always on. "Grandma, when do you take your medicine?" "Going to, like, just Judy. I take my pill." We don't have clocks in the house. All we have is calendars from every Pania we've ever been to on the walls. Every wall. And it's the same picture: the Aztec dude and the dead lady. And your grandma doesn't want to take it down. That reminds me of me when I was young. I used to, they used to bring me home like that. Barefoot with a flower in my hair. I never had a water hose at my house that had the metal end. You know, it was always cut. And cut. The minute I had a hole over here, they cut your hose. It was this long. I wanted a nozzle. My grandpa, "Like you got a thumb, you got a nozzle." How do I turn it off? Pinch it off. Pinch it off. I didn't have swim trunks. I used to cut pants. You ever see to cut pants? Hey, if you want to go swimming, cut pants. Then you find the scissors and some old pants. "Are we going for reals?" "For reals?" Because if I cut, I can't cut back. "For reals?" "Say, swear to God, swear to God." Or used to go swimming in your underwear. The Tans. Remember the, the white briefs? You'd run around the house with a towel and a clothes pin. And your mom still thinks you're the Tantan boy. You're 34 years old. Do with feeling. I don't believe you. We never believe where anybody's sick. And when they are sick, they never go to the doctor. "Man, I feel bad. I should go to the doctor." "You better not go, cuz they're going to find something wrong with you. Don't go. If I were you, I wouldn't go. Drink a Seven Up. Be Seven Up and burp it up. Lemon. We drink too much. We, we drink to get drunk. Over. Then we call women up in the middle of the night. Hey, hey, hey.