I Watched Shane Dawson’s Horror Movie So You Don’t Have To

Me? How's it going, everyone? It is me, mostly. Oh, sorry, sh papers. It's me, mostly. Way back when, when I were a boy and YouTube was on the, the growth, way back when I were a boy, the good old days of me being a child. There was a good couple of YouTubers. And what, what do you do once you've been a YouTuber and you've done all your YouTube bits? Make a movie. And that's exactly what Shane Dawson did, sort of. Okay, he's in it, but he's not like a main, he's a main character, but he's not a main character. Trust me, it will make sense as I go. Ow! This is the movie, Smiley. Surprised? It's not good. We're just going to get straight in. The movie starts off with a jump scare. You know, when you're making a horror movie, you need to make sure you, your viewers know you're making a horror movie, so jump scare, boom. We also find out whoever wrote this's opinions on women in the future. We got to really set up the next generation of women. You're going to have to get a job, too. N-I'll just get married. But we get the premise of the movie, which is an AEG Omega, was it Omegal? Whatever, whatever people show their pens on, on the internet, where you know, you click random through and it'll show you random videos, whatever that is. We get that to begin with. That's what we, that's what the film is based off, is all the, just the peen viewers. It's a little girl looking at it, and her babysitter says, "Don't, don't be looking at that website. Go to bed." And they go to bed, and the babysitter goes home. The end. It's not what happens. Is we find out about Smiley. Who, the idea with Smiley is, if you type in "for the lws," spelled a very specific way, l u l z, the internet speech, Smiley will pop up and kill you in whatever way he deems fashionable. It's predominant a lot of stabbing and piano wire to the neck. He loves piano wire. He's keeping Windows in business. Windows is a, a British music company. I'm not even sure they leave the Northeast, but we hear about Smiley, the, the killer. The babysitter goes home. She also has a, a good idea, go on that knockoff and h on some men. She's wearing the booty shorts. You know she's down to clown when you're wearing the booty shorts. She just goes, starts clicking, and then she meets a guy. He's a handsome young chap. He's a YouTuber. I think he's definit, I think this is one of the YouTubers. I'm going to count this as YouTuber one. And he types it in, "for the lws." That's when Smiley pops up and kills her in the neck. That was excessive. Sorry. That's when Smiley pops up and kills her, stabs her right, I think he stabs her in the neck. I can't remember, it was a while back. Boom. We've got our first YouTuber. Let's do a little YouTube account just over here. Here one. This is where the quality of the movie drops dramatically, I'm afraid. Um, all of a sudden, quality just is instantly lower. The opening of the film looks great. Not so much now. Where we meet two women in a dorm. We also find out during a conversation they're going to a 4chan party. Now, Omegal does not exist. It's a different website in this universe. 4chan, same one, you know, the bbard on 4chan. They do a bit of a weird racist joke. Is that like an Asian dating site? Um, but they acknowledge it was a racist joke. Oh my God, that sounded totally racist. Sheely, based off the name Chan, which is, yeah, it is a racist joke. Don't be telling racist jokes on the internet or in your movie from 2012. But they go to a 4chan party. Whatever. One of them is, I thought it was meant to be anonymous, but apparently they have parties. Um, this is where we meet a couple more YouTubers, but most importantly, we got the r-word like nine times. I hate the r-word. In England, it's just, even in 2012 when I was like 22, we didn't say the r-word. Don't be, don't throw the r-word around, okay? We get our big, big YouTube, the name YouTuber. He's on the poster and everything. Shane Dawson. He's in this movie with his quiffy hay. Um, I think this is pre-him getting canceled, uh, because, but it was mid-him being racist on the internet, and I think the him being racist on the internet is what got him canceled. He might have got canceled for something else. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure it was being racist on the internet. Don't do that, [ __ ]. We get his nickname. You get a couple of nicknames, um, words that I cannot say in YouTube nowadays, but you can get away with it in this movie. Um, I think the worst, the one that I can get away with is [ __ ] tits. [ __ ] tits. They call them [ __ ] tits a good few times. But we hear from the 4chan party, the rules, repeat of the rules with a more included, um, of Smiley. You get the rule that you've got to say it three times. So you got to say it, "for the lws," "for the lws," "for the lws." I don't think in the beginning we found that, but he did say it three times before it happened. And, and Smiley takes another, another life. He's gone. He's another, another life has been taken. It's the reverse of the opening. It's we see the, the woman. So it's not another life, it's the first life. I don't know why I'm talking about that, but it's, we see the woman from the opening get killed by Smiley. They party hard, um, goth, they party, party on. And throughout the night, pranks are pulled, like four chion, uh, pranks, including, you know, the, the nightly thing where they draw vulgarities on a man's face with a Sharpie. Sharpies are expensive, man. How do you waste so many Sharpies? Although I stole mine during university, I tended to, like, there was a, there was like a place you could, you could borrow a Sharpie, just never give it back. I think, I think it's important that we see him, um, getting, getting the Sharpie all over his face, surely because he's the, he's the next victim. Um, in the morning, he's the next victim. And all the men look the same, so it's important that you know he's the next victim. But they go to class, uh, and this is where we get our YouTuber number. I'm going to class this as YouTuber number four, um, just for the numbers really, just to pad them out a little bit. This is Toby Turner. He plays a character. He's very unimportant. He just sort of knows things. That's kind of his, his deal is that Toby Turner knows the question, the answers to the next question. He's not even like exposition. He's sort of like explaining what exposition, exposition could be if they needed exposition. This film does not need exposition. They're going to give it anyway. And then we've got the teacher. He's YouTuber number five. I think, I think he's a YouTuber. Let's go, let's put the right number here. If it's not five, I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure he's number five. The teacher is another YouTuber. I think he plays, uh, Doc Brown in the musical now, or I might be thinking of somebody completely different, but I'm pretty sure he was a YouTuber at the time. I think he used to do, I was say, I think he used to do sketches. CU sketches is what used to do well on YouTube. I don't know if sketches still do well on YouTube. You know, do it, do it for the lws, or do it for the Vine, really. You know what I mean? The teacher is very unfunny, though. He Mak, he tries to make a couple of jokes. I think he used to do comedy skits. I hope to God he didn't write this script, because, or his part of the script. CU, it was dog toughy. "Are you hitting on me?" They go back to the dorm, well, the rendered house that they, they're living in, and there's a new video. We find out the new video is, I say the guy with all the pen over his face, just so we know who he was. That's why they showed him. And he gets, "Do it for the L." Okay, it's going to be fake. It's going to be fake, right? The girls say it's going to be fake. I say it's going to be fake, right? Everybody says it's going to be fake. We'll just agree it's fake and we'll just put it to bed. Or we could try it. We could, we could do it for the lws, right? We could do it for the lws. We could do it for the lws. They do it for the lws, and it's not good. They, they, he dies. How do they pick somebody? They're going through Omegal again, like an Omegal knockoff. I can't remember what it's called. They go through the Omegal knockoff. Click, click, click. I think we probably see a couple of YouTubers. I'm not going to count them 'cause I didn't see them for long enough to, to include them as actors, but click, click, click. A winky, there's a winky on my screen, and it wasn't invited. This is the guy, this is the guy we're going to take out. So they, they do it for the lws. We add a new rule, though. You've got to mean it. You got to want it to happen. Yeah, okay, okay. I want it to happen. You've got to picture it in your mind's eye. Believe, believe. And they do it. They accidentally kill a guy. Well, they didn't accidentally, they P, they essentially on purpose killed a man, but they're going to deny it. They're going to pretend it didn't happen, 'cause denial is, is the first rule. And they, they just go on their night. They go to bed, think nothing of it. It was all just pretend. It's all just a little silly prank. Next morning, boom. Okay, we meet, we meet Shane Dawson's character again. Bender, Bender, whatever his name is. He is a, basically, we find out the backstory of why nobody likes him in 4chan. There was some elicit pictures on the internet, and he, he called Mr. 4chan and said, "Take them off," and Mr. 4chan and called him, you know, "This picture, can you remember this guy? And his name, he's a be, do you remember him?" There's this scene, there's this, there's this scene that comes up now. This is the scene, I think I know what you mean. You seem really nice, where, for some reason, the acting, this is worse than pornography. It's terrible acting, 'cause I feel like they're going to do like a porn, and then they, they just decide, "Let's just be friends," as the lyrics go, "Why can't we be friends?" Why Can't We Be Friends? Great. We've got, we've got Bender and the woman, I forget the hero character, the main blond woman. I don't remember her name. I'm sorry. You are very unimportant. She's a director now. She's directed two more films than she has acted in, um, and they all have very bad ratings. Sorry. What do you do when you might have killed somebody, though? You go to another house party. Um, you go to another house party where you get a slightly bloodied to the point that you needed, we, and decide you're going to, we, in a closet. I'm going to go pee in a closet. Weeing in the closet must happen so much in this house party. This house party must be going on for a while. And the, the, it happen so often, there was signs to say, "Do not pee in my closet. You shan't be in my closet." We got YouTuber number six. I think this is number six. It was another sketch guy. I don't know what to say. He's just another sketch guy. He's from Vine, I think. "Do it for the Vine." A lot of Vine guys when Vine shut down moved to YouTube. You know, like, um, Gabby Hannah. It is a wonder that Gabby Hannah's not in there. I wonder, Gabby H, oh, a movie. Did Gabby H make a movie? I feel like she probably did. I wish Trisha Paytas made a movie. Who I would like to have made a movie. Oh, me and actress get spiked. We don't know who, bu, um, we don't know who, bu, I presume it's the bad guy. They had a conversation with the main bad guy, um, I can't remember his name either. He's sort of like, he's meant to be like a college kid that turns out he's not, but he's meant to be a college kid. And they, to talk about, you know, the fact that their friend was killed by Smiley, uh, and I'm pretty sure he did the spiking. She wanders around spiked off her face. As a man who has been spiked, I will tell the story. I will tell the story about the time I got spiked. I was out with a couple of friends, um, some of them are women, um, I drank Budweiser at the time, and somebody put a little, little, little fizzer in my drink because they thought it was her, her drink. At least this is what I presume now. I'm a big guy. I'm a, I'm a heavy set man, 5'11". You know, I'm not that tall. I wish I was taller. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller, but I'm 5'11" and kind of framed, um, and it did get me. The next morning was fine, but I don't remember that entire night. Spiking, not, not funny. No one do the, no one's laughing at spiking. She wanders around aimlessly through the streets where she, there's just a bunch of jump scares, some Smiley fake smileys, and I hope to God I don't stand like this guy. This guy stands, I don't, is he, I think he's meant to be standing like Smiley, but this guy stands like he did a, you know, he did a poop in his pants. It's not a good look to be standing this way. But Smiley chasing through the streets, or is it a dream? Is it a spike dream? Is it, it could be a dream, and he could have Freddy Krueger powers. He could have Freddy Krueger powers. It rips her clothes, um, in fact, she, the other friend, the flat mate names like, it's like Freddy Cougar, by name, Freddy Kougar. So, 4chan, Freddy Krueger exists. Omegal, still no Omegal in this universe. We got a little bit of backstory about the woman, the main character. She is, um, she used to be bipolar, or she's probably is still, but, but she's on, she's gotten better, uh, she used to be on psych pills. That's the backstory. Maybe it's a psych, like, you know, regression. What's more important to me is we get Paris Geller from Gilmore Girls. Now, I used to have insomnia, so we're all in the same boat. But I used to have insomnia, and I used to stay up until 3 a.m. You know what was on at 3 a.m. in England? Gilmore Girls. I watched so much Gilmore Girls as an, the suyak. So whenever I say, other than Dean, other than Dean, um, I don't really mind. It's fun seeing any of the actors from Gilmore Girls. There's a little bit of a freak out, and they have to go see the guy, the, the hacker guy, um, the guy who's like really good at hacking. Turns out he's not a college kid. He's like, like a hacker, professional hacker, but it might, that might be illegal. We don't know. But he insinuated, he insinuated illegal. He insinuates it, but he, he gives off some 2010 vibes. It's big on the 2010 feelings. Obviously, this film was made in 2012, but it, it feels that age. Back in the class, we hear about Ockham's Razor, which is a, a theory that, um, whatever your test, whatever the right, you know, whatever the, you know, I'll put it on the screen. I don't, I want to, I don't have to exp, explain Ockham's Razor. It's very boring. It's very boring to explain Ockham's Razor. You know, it's the, it's the Sherlock Holmes thing, right? It's the Sherlock Holmes thing. Everybody knows it's the Sherlock Holmes thing. This is also where we find out, I, I think the teacher has a tick. Ashley was asking about the end of the last class, because as he's explaining something or asking a question, he just yells at, I think her name is Amber. I might be wrong. Ashley, I might be wrong. I might not be, anger, Amber. Anger, don't look back in Amber Heard, you say. But this is where we get, we got some sci-fi mumbo jumbo for the horror film. We love a bit of sci-fi mumbo jumbo in horror. This one is the fact that the internet is just one big brain, like it's all, it's all neurons and stuff. We might be what's necessary for something else to develop. So if it, if it has a brain, it must be able to think. We already built it a network, millions of nodes communicating with each other. That is called the internet, which is not, not true. I know many a person who has a brain and cannot think. We got a research montage. Now we got to get, we got to get some information. We find it's the little girl from the first one. They haven't seen the, the, um, the babysitter for a couple of weeks now. Suspicious. We also find it's not Bender, which is what I presumed it was the entire movie. It's Binder, um, or Bind. It's spelled Binder, like I would read that as Binder, to put files in, but maybe I'm dumb. I don't know, but it looks like Binder to me. We also get a new rule. We love some, they love making up rules in these horror films. So this is the new one. They've just added this one, um, I don't know, [ __ ]. Minute 55 of an hour and 10-minute movie. It's an hour and 35. The new rule is, if you summon him, he will come for you. But then he comes after you. He tried to kill me. We also find out that her friend's, last flatmate just has anger issues in a minute, like it's horrendous. She's got, she's got very hair trigger. She gets very aggressive very quickly. That's the kind of people you want to cut out your life, really. Um, you don't want them in your life. They're not, they're not good for you. They're not good for your midal heal. But we need, we need to, we've done our, we've done the preliminary research that we can do. We got to talk to a man in the, no, let's go back to the comedian teacher who immediately starts, he closes all the blinds, he starts hitting on her, um, which is it, to much with the throwback. It might have been aligned very early in the movie where he says, "This, are you hitting on me?" What, where, makes me think that maybe, maybe he hitting on it might be misreading this situation, but it does feel like he's hitting on it. No information from this, um, guy. He just talks about nihilism for a good couple of minutes. Who, you know, you could talk to, um, anybody older than 26 about nihilism, to be honest with you. You do not need a college professor to talk about nihilism. You can see it firsthand in anybody older than 26 who's just graduated university. He's useless. Let's go back to doing some research. Fair, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley. [Music] Smiley smash my computer, to smash it right up. Talks to the doctor again. Paris, Paris Geller gives her some sleeping meds. We need some sleepy, sleepy bedtimes. She goes to sleep, great, except for a dream where there's hundreds of Smileys everywhere. Look at all the Smileys. Sometimes he's wearing like, um, stockings on his face, sometimes he's not. I, and I think that when he's wearing stockings, not on his face, he's, it's a dream, and when he's wearing stockings on his face, it's not a dream. Call the police. That's what I would do. That's what you can do. This is my favorite line in this entire movie, by the way. It's 4 in the morning. They're open. The Poli is played by, um, a guy called Diamond, is played by Keith David of They Live fame. He does other stuff, but to me's he's going to be, he says, he gets a really good line in a different movie, which is this one, Welcome to Hell, [ __ ]. He also does get some good lines in, in this movie. I like this one. "We find bodies all the time. We just haven't found one to fit the description that you gave." See, don't believe. Obviously, why would they believe this kind of crap? You know, a man lives in your computer killing people. We got no bodies. That's my, again, favorite line, which is kind of proof of a good cop. If you've got no bodies, you've got, they've got plenty of bodies, as he says. But they, she hightails it out there because they're not going to believe her. She's got a smash computer. A Bender, I'm going to call him Bender, I don't give a [ __ ]. Bender gives her a computer, full, it's all the whack. They do a, a weird princess, um, and the M, dungeon master thing. They kiss, because nothing else happens in this film at the moment. I've literally missed about 20 minutes of the film. Nothing happened in it. The hacker guy who's not in college, he's meant to show up for some booty calls, internet booty calls on Skype or whatever they're using, fake Skype. He doesn't show up. Go, go to his house, see what's going on. It's been trashed. This is a new thing. No one's house has been trashed before by Smiler, Smiley. No one's house has been trashed before by Smiley. This is a brand new thing. We're adding more layers to the lay kick of Smiley. What are you gonna do about, you know, with a, with a magical, mythical creature? You're going to grab a gun. Everybody knows that, you know, when you need to kill a unicorn, grab a gun. You need to kill the Sasquatch, grab a gun. We're going to sermon Smiley. [Music] Oh, "Do it for the lws." "Do it for the lws." Smiley doesn't show up. Bender shows up. Shoot Bender. Oh no, you've shot Bender. Why did you do that? Because he's got a stupid name. How terrible that is. He's got a silly name, and he's dying. Oh no, he's definitely dead, 'cause Smiley now cuts his goddamn throat. Okay, Smiley cut his gush, darn throat, and now he's Gonzo. Where are the rules? I thought he just appeared. He smashed somebody's house up, and now he's coming around your house via the front door and not magically appearing. That doesn't make any sense. Come on. He appears behind you. Stupid. Run away from Smiley. Run away from Smiley. You got to run. Where you going to run in these situations? Not outside. You got, I'm sure you got a back door, but no, we're not going to take the back door. We're going to run upstairs. The safe space, hide under your blanket as a kid. Like every kid knows, if you hide on the blanket, Smiley can't get you. Except there's multiple Smileys, and they're all, they're coming out the walls. Oh, [ __ ]. Where you going to go? You're going to jump out the window. That's the safest bet, right? Jump. Oh no, you're dead. And it was all a prank. Half of the stuff in this movie now doesn't exist because it was a prank. Okay, the girl who vanished at the beginning of the movie, who wandered around the house, where did she vanish to? Was she hiding as well? It was all like a digital prank, and it was all orchestrated by the hacker guy, you know, the guy that I said was a bad guy at the beginning? I was right. He was a bad guy. What you going to do when you're flirting with your girlfriend over the phone, though? You're going to do this. "Do it for the L." "Do for the," "Do it," wasn't a prank. Smiley's real. Um, credits. It sounds, there's a little sad bit, you know, credits. This film's stupid and I hate it. I wanted to come in and be like, "Oh, maybe it's not as bad. Maybe it's not terrible. Maybe it's a, it's a good film," and I wanted to be a good film, and I really did try. I hoped to God it was a good film, and it wasn't. It was dog toffee. It was poo. Why did I, why did I waste, I have to watch these films twice, okay, just so I can write enough notes. Three hours of my life I've never, never going to see ever again. Why have I chosen to do this? I hope you enjoy that. Um, don't, don't watch this movie. Normally, I say, "Go watch the movie," want, I, I promise you it's not worth it, just to see a bunch of YouTubers die, um, because all of them don't even flip and die. Toby Turner still alive at the end. If you enjoy this thing, don't forget you can, you can listen to my, I have commentary of this film that I, I tend to.

Try and put up on Koli. Um, I'm trying to get another place to put things, pass this as the other one, but they haven't got bugged in me yet.

Um, cool fire. You can watch, watch me watch this movie, or if you want, um, I'm on Twitch. Twitch is my other home. twitch.tv/monthlycall. If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window. Goodbye.