Leo Buscaglia – Born for Love

Love is a verb. You have to go out and get it!

It occurred to me the other day that I've been talking about love for twenty-five years! And you know? I'm as enchanted, as mystified, as excited as the first day I stepped before an audience to talk about it.

♪♪ Announcer: This program is made possible by annual financial support from viewers like you. ♪♪

(cheers and applause) Thank you! I can see all the eyeballs in the world, and my heart is warm. Before I start, I have to do a little something for (and you will understand just in a minute) but you know I can't handle this, and I can't handle this. But I had to wear it tonight for a very, very special reason.

When I was on my tour for <i>Born for Love</i>, I was gone for seven weeks. And those of you who know about my travel situations, I travel very lightly. I had one tiny little suitcase. And you can actually carry it on. And I was running from city to city. You know? Half the time, I didn't know where I was. And I was on every possible show. For those of you who watch a lot of television are probably up to here with Leo, you know? I was on <i>Sally</i>, and I was on <i>Donahue</i>. And I was on this one, and I was on that one. And it never occurred to me that there are people who actually look at what you're wearing. Can you believe that? And so with this tiny little bag, I had two coats, I had three shirts, I had some underwear, and some socks. And I had two ties, and I wore them for 7 weeks. And you wouldn't believe how many letters I got from people saying, "Leo, is that all you own?" And there were even people who said we can afford to buy you a new tie or a new coat. You know, I never thought of watching somebody and thinking, "What are they wearing?" But they do. And so for them, I bought an entirely new outfit. I mean, I want you to see new shirt, new tie, new coat, new trousers, new pants, new underwear, the works! But now that they've seen it, here we go!

(Applause)

You know, I want you to notice something, too. You remember the first show I ever did was with KVIE in Sacramento? And you know, who was Leo? Well, who is Leo <i>now</i>? But who was Leo? And so when I took my coat and tie off, there was no place to put it, and I had to drop it on the floor. Well as the years progressed? The next time I did a show, they gave me a coat hanger. Now I have my own private person. How about that?

But you know the best thing of all? Those of you who know me well know that I have 2 great loves. One is little kids, and the other is the elderly. And I just find those 2 segments of the population are the most fascinating in the world! I mean, the little kids still haven't lost the magic. You know, they haven't been told that the world is a terrible place etcetera, etcetera. So they believe it's wonderful. For them it is wonderful. So whenever I have an opportunity to be with children or the elderly, I do.

And recently I was asked to help in a dedication of a home for the elderly. And the doctor who was organizing it said, "Oh Leo, you have to go in and see the people who are bedridden because they all watch your shows, and they know you well. And I said, "No problem. I'd love it." So I walk through you know, and there was this wonderful woman. And I hugged her, and she hugged me. And then we walked into another room. And then we walked into a room where there were several people in wheelchairs, and I sat down with them. We had a wonderful conversation. And finally I walked into the room. There was a very alert little woman, propped up in bed there. She even had blue hair. And she looked so good. I mean, I just loved her. And I walked up to her, and I said, (they told me everyone there knew me, you know?) So I walked up, and I said, "Do you know who I am?" And she looked at me for a long time. And she said, "No honey, I don't know who you are. But if you don't know, I'd suggest you ask the head nurse. She knows everything." Don't you love it? Every day is a surprise.

Benjamin Disraeli (I actually did the title for my last book, <i>Born For Love</i>) and he said this: we are all born for love. It is the principle of our existence, and its only meaning, and it's only end. It's amazing how many of us give lip service to how much love means to us. We say we can't live without it. We're in search of it, etcetera, etcetera. But there are very few people who dedicate much time to the pursuing of love, to the trying to understand what this dynamic, wondrous thing is that is our gift and probably our greatest gift of life. And I can attest that dedicating your life to the process of finding out what love is all about is probably the most wonderful thing you can dedicate your life to.

Love has taught me so many things over the years. It's relieved me of conflict, literally. It's so funny how people have to be right. Do you know people who always have to be right? Well, you know what? I let them be! Oh, they're ranting and raving and screaming. I learned a wonderful, wonderful way to handle this. I smile at them, and I say, "You know, you may be right?" And then I think, won't it be fun when they found out they were wrong? But I mean, I don't have to be the one to prove it, do I?

And then you know, I'm always accused of being this naïve kook that walks out every day thinking that the world is the greatest thing in the world and so on, you know? But why not? The world is a fantastic place, and I always look for the positive. And when you do, you always find it. You can find it everywhere. But there are people that go out determined to find the negative. And they find it. There's plenty out there to complain about. But why do it? And then you find yourself in a wondrous minority. It's so nice to be in a minority. But I always say that I live my autumn, and I share my spring. You know, I don't live in a bubble. I live in the same world that you do. I know what's going on around the world. I know about the hunger and the poverty. But I don't have to enhance it. I can do everything in my power to make it better. And it may be a little thing, but at least I have the power to do it.

And then love has taught me not to sit around and wait for it. Love is a verb. You've got to go out and get it if you want it. Reach out! And so I'm always this way. Scares the hell out of some people! But I've also learned that love has taught me to laugh a lot. It's taught me to risk, that life is nothing unless you're willing to risk. And it's taught me to forgive because I have seen people who have carried grudges for a lifetime. And it's done nothing for them except weigh them down. Let it go!

You know, I was in a book signing recently. And there was a woman who was waiting in line with her husband. And he was there begrudgingly, you know? What are we waiting for this kook to sign this crazy book, you know? And she was saying, "You've got to read this book, honey." When they got to the table, she said, "You know, I just can't get him to read one of your books. He said, "Hell, I know all there is to know already about love. I don't have to read a book about it." She whispered to me, "That's what he thinks." He may have set out on a sea of love, but he's been shipwrecked for years.

You know, we still believe that left alone, love will find a way? And we still believe in this crazy thing of love at first sight? And then we believe in this thing of happy ever after? And we don't have to do anything? Love at first sight may be fun, but I suggest you take a second look. You know, it's not surprising that we hear people cry out where has my lover gone? The question that's better asked is was he ever there? You know when you're really out looking for love, (and that's something that really I don't recommend) live love! Don't go looking for it. You'll never find it. It's an illusion. Love at first sight! We're so desperate to find this love, that this person comes, and we're certain they're the right one! We don't know anything about them! You know, love with insight might be better than love at first sight?

And you know, I can remember my first kiss. And that was a big deal. That will really.... ....that will tell you my age. And I remember it happened the night of my prom, my prom from high school. And I had this beautiful date. Oh, she was really something. And we used to gussy up like, you know, I was in a tuxedo! And I was planning my first kiss. And we worked it out with all my friends. Now this is the way you do it! Like should I do it before or after I take her home? Can you believe that we used to do those things especially with what people do these days on their first dates? Boy, was I nervous. I could hardly enjoy my prom. But finally I got her in the car, and I think she was expecting it. I don't know, but nevertheless I got all my courage. I felt my heart pounding like crazy, you know? And I finally reached over, and I missed her face. But you know, I wouldn't part with that memory. I can see her still. She was wearing a pale-blue gown. She had her hair all done. You know, at the time they used to have these wild hairdos? No wonder I missed her face! But you know, it was a big thing to remember my first kiss. And now some men can't even remember their first wives!

Actually, some people think their marriage is a success if they walk out of the church together. And I'm sure that if things continue this way, we'll soon be making out our marriage license to read, "To whom it may concern." But you know, the result of ignoring love is that we end up spending millions of dollars a year on therapy and on attorneys to get over our pain, and the pain which our separation causes our family and our children. So maybe it's time that we rearrange our priorities. But we continue to take love for granted. We abuse it. We accuse love for our failures. We define love for our own purposes.

You know, recently I got a letter from a woman. I won't even quote it, but we've got a correspondence going. But she said that she hated all of her friends and family. She had no friends, and she had no family. And she said, "But it's perfectly all right, Dr. Buscaglia, because they were all selfish, no good, unappreciative, and rotten to the soul. I said, "Everybody?" The only one that she could say something nice about was her cat. And she said she was going to leave all her inheritance to the cat. Well, you know what so interesting to me is that everyone is so easy to condemn, but we don't analyze our own loving behaviors. Surely there must have been some good person among all of those she hated.

So we may be born for love. That is to say, we may have the potential to love, but we'll never actualize it until we're dedicated to working at it. Until we do, we're going to have more loneliness, more despair, more confusion, more hate, more frustration.... And this seems so logical. That's why every one of my books says these are the things that are essential for love. And it's fine that people buy the books. But do something about it! The loss of love is probably the greatest loss you'll ever experience, and there's no making it up. And tragic insight usually comes at the point of death.

Some of you know that for many years ago that I was honored by a hospice for the work that I've done with them. For years, I sat with dying people. And I can tell you for sure that one of the saddest things in the world is when they have no one to sit with them. "Where are my children," I was asked. And then time and time again, "Do you love me Leo?" Something to think about!

And divorces are on the rise. Eighty per cent of those who divorce, remarry. And that's nice. But things don't get better the second time around. Don't believe the song. Half of those who remarry will divorce again. Half, which proves that we need each other, but that we don't change! You only bring who you are into the next relationship and the next and the next and the next! And it's not until you say, "No more of this non-sense. I'm going to become more," that something actually happens. And you know, that the number of third marriages is on the rise? Fifty six per cent to 3.6 million in the last couple of years have married three times. So in spite of the pain, they keep trying. So there's always hope because we learn to love. And we're given so many chances. Love is so patient. So love is going to require that we constantly change, and we constantly grow. We're never stuck with who we are or stuck with the situation we're in. As long as we dedicate ourselves to becoming more, we're free to do it. But nothing happens until we dedicate ourselves to this.

You know, I'm sure that out there are so many people with hearts of gold. But a hard-boiled egg has a heart of gold! And unless you do something, it's not going to make any difference that you have a heart of gold. And what you do is important. But what you don't do is also important. How many times I've heard people say, "Well, I am what I am." Well, congratulations! Take me or leave me! You've heard that one? Take me the way I am or leave me! And then other people are no good: I'm the good one! It's the other people that have the problems! But you know, you have the power to be your own Pygmalion. Make yourself over. Don't let other people do it for you. Learn how to trust your own inner voice. You know, I'm convinced that all of us know what we need. All of us know what's important for us. We don't have to have other people tell us. But you know our voices are loud in the beginning, and then they get softer and softer because we don't listen. If you only listen to what your voices were telling you, you would become the great force behind all of your decisions in your life. You know, I once heard (and I loved it) it said, "God only speaks in whispers." You've got to listen!

And don't be limited by your experiences of the past. Remember, that you have learned to be who you are! Isn't that amazing? You know, we never really think about that. But you are a product of all of your experiences from birth onward. That's why we're so wonderfully different. If you want to be the perfect friend, the perfect lover, the ingredients are in you. You know, God gives us the ingredients for bread. But he expects us to mix it and to bake it, not to sit back and wait for it to happen. But you know, research shows that most of us are stuck with who we are unless we are consciously dedicated to change. We actually think we're growing and changing. But actually what we're doing is merely rearranging priorities, prejudices and postures. Some people haven't really changed for years. You know, I went to a (and it's all always a shock to do it) I went to a college reunion several years ago, people that I had known years and years and years ago. They've changed, but they're saying the same thing. They're thinking the same thoughts. They have the same fears. They have the same prejudices. That isn't change. That's just merely as I said, rearranging priorities. We get stuck in ruts and respond thereafter without analysis. We just accept it. In other words, we grow, but we don't grow up!

I had an amazing insight many years ago, about five or six actually. That isn't too many at my age. But anyway, I decided I was going to leave my home that I lived in for so many years. And I thought, Leo? That house is full of memories: memories of mama, memories of papa, memories of happy times, memories of Christmases.... You can't just sell this house and move out. But you know? I decided that it was time that I drop all this cumbersome stuff and find a little place, and I did. And I discovered a very strange thing. I thought all my memories would be there hanging in closets and in little drawers. But memories don't hang in closets and little drawers. You shut the front door, and you go away! And wherever you go? The memories follow you! And that's the magic. You don't have to clutter your life with all of these things in the past. You can move on any time. You can go into your closets and clean them out and start anew.

Richard Tedeschi of the University of North Carolina says something that's very exciting. He says, "The overwhelming evidence," and this is brand new, "the overwhelming evidence does point to a general stability of personality and behavior across a life span." In other words, that we continue to behave as we behave. But there does seem to be these particular (and I love this phrase) windows of opportunity for growth! Negative life events are so affecting, that they call into question a lot of usual ways of operating that people have adopted and been stuck with only because they are so drastic that do they pull people off their usual path. Positive events do not change our basic notions about living and what our life is all about to the degree that negative experiences do. And yet we don't want to experience negative experiences. We spend our lives trying to avoid them. But they really offer us these wonderful windows of opportunity. So you know, it's the catastrophes that change us! And I'll bet there isn't one in this audience who hasn't experienced something drastic that has shaken you out of your apathy.

Just recently in natural catastrophes, I have some friends in Hawaii who were there with a big storm. And everything they owned was in the mud. Everything they valued was in the mud. And you know as they wandered through (when the storm cleared) and there was everything. They shed a few tears. They picked up some little things that they valued. They cleaned the mud off where they could. But you know what? They came to the conclusion which happens to all of us: they were alive! These were things. What really mattered wasn't these things. And then the neighbors came in. And then they sat down together. And you know, there was a wonderful thing in Hawaii. Weren't you just thrilled to hear how you came together and helped each other? In other places, there was looting. Everyone was fearful of leaving their house. In Hawaii, people brought you things. Well, if they can do it in Hawaii, we can do it here.

The death of a loved one, you know? I don't know how many of you have yet experienced that. But you know? You say, "How can Leo say that the death of a loved one could be a very positive thing for your life? It can indeed. You know that I have this big, passionate Italian family, a million bambini? Well, one thing that's wonderful about having millions of aunts and uncles and children and everything is that as you grow older, they die. It's inevitable. But you know, if you're smart, it tells you celebrate life now. Celebrate the people in your life now. Don't wait until they're on their death bed to say I love you, you're important to me. Walk home and grab your wife's cheeks like mama used to do. She says, "You've gone crazy!" You say like mama used to say, "Shut up! I value you!" You know, I remember mama doing that. I know that sounds crazy, but she'd take us like this, and she'd say, "Oh feliche!" You would say, "Stop it!" But when she looked at us, she saw us, and we saw her. And if I want to conjure up mama, I can do it in a minute. And so many of us have lost people, and we forgot even what they look like. The time for this kind of celebration is now! And death tells you this! Again, a negative situation that can be made positive.

Diagnosis of a fatal illness! How many people, who have been diagnosed all at once, recognize the wonder of life? And they say, "You know, it's amazing, but life is finite. It will come to an end. We don't have forever." You know, that's a brilliant realization. We should know that. We should firmly believe it because your life changes the day you recognize you do not have forever. And you don't. So the time to live and to celebrate and to do the things that you want to do is now! Because tomorrow may not be here.

Think of how many people who have worked for 20 years in a job, and all at once they were laid off. You never thought that would happen. But amazing things have happened. Stories that have been startling about people who were laid off and families that have come together and said, "We'll help you." And it's brought people again into a loving unit. Yes, things will happen to us. And a lot of negative things will happen to us. But it's not what happens to us. It's how we respond to what's happening to us. That's what makes the difference. Learn from adversity, and then it isn't adversity. It's windows of opportunity, and don't pull the curtains. Keep the windows up.

And then you know if we're going to be a lover, (and I can vouch for this) you've got to maintain a sense of humor! Because we're living in a society of gloom and doom. And you're considered a jerk, literally, if you think like is good. Everyone is convinced that Leo doesn't know what's going on. He's living in a bubble. How can he be so happy? He goes out in the morning and he says hi to everybody. And he can't wait for the day to happen. And he loves every.... ....well, he's a nut. You know, I actually have.... ....I'm one who sincerely means it when I say, "Have a good day." Make it a wonderful day. I've gotten people that say, "Shut up! I hate it when people say that to me! You have a good day!" I say, "Okay!" Really, I've never seen so many people that walk around looking like they've been marinated in vinegar. They have a floor-level view of life, and they want to drag you down to where they are. Well, they're not going to do it. They come up to where I am, but I'm not going down to where they are! And I love being positive in a negative situation. You know, I'm at the airport, and the announcement is made, "Your flight has been canceled." Arrgh! Everybody goes mad. They start running toward.... And I say, "Oh look, If we stick together, we should have a party!" They run for the gate. Crazy man! But you know, if you don't get there tomorrow, you'll get there the next day.

But you know, it's so amazing to me how many people haven't learned that happiness isn't found. Happiness is made. And you're responsible for making it. And if you can't laugh at it, you can't live with it. And just remember, that really.... You know, I always am amused by people who spend their entire life looking for the secret of life. You know these people? "What are you doing?" "I'm looking for the secret of life!" Well I hate to tell them, because when you find it, it's going to be the most hilarious joke. And you'll only be able to live with it if you can laugh at it. When the world laughs at me, I laugh right back because the world is crazier than I am! And you know, I know it. That laughter is like changing a baby's diapers! It doesn't solve anything, but it sure improves the situation. We don't stop laughing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop laughing. And we're the only living creatures, (did you know this) who can laugh? But when I watch human behavior, I swear I don't understand how the other creatures can keep from laughing at us! We're hilarious! You know, we're finding that laughter is one of the best therapies possible? It stirs up the blood. It exercises the muscle. It expands the lungs. It stimulates our nerves. It clears our brain. It creates music for the soul. Blessed are those who can laugh at life, for they'll never run out of things to laugh at. William Fry, who was a professor in Meredith at Stanford University Medical School, says laughing 100 times a day provides cardiovascular workouts equivalent to ten minutes of strenuous rowing. Laughter boosts cardiovascular fitness by lowering the blood pressure and the heart rate. And you can even get this kind of an effect by feigning laughter. That means you can walk down the street saying, "Ho, ho, ho, ho," and let the others jog!

You know, I had this crazy mama, and she loved to laugh. I think that was her greatest joy. It was her ability to laugh. And she laughed at everything. People said that (and I know they did this because we used to hear it) that my mother's behavior was inappropriate! But they died at 60, and she died at 82! And she'd say to us, (you know, when we were sulking around) she'd say for every moment you allow yourself to be sad, you miss 60 seconds of happiness! So stop it!

And you know when I look back at mama's life, she really had very little in our standards to be happy about. She left Italy very poor. And she was that way for most of her life. She worked hard, and she raised a house full of bambini. And we were really rowdy. She worked hard as I say. She took in washing, but somehow or other, there was always a joy in her life. And you always knew that if you came there, you'd get a smile and a hug. She always had that. And she helped others to laugh too, because it's contagious. You cannot be around someone who's dying of laughter and be serious.

Do you know I was very lucky because in our great big family (it was a real honest to goodness extended family) we had elderly in the home all the time. We had people with babies in the home all of the time. We saw births. We went to baptisms, to weddings.... We went to hospitals to visit when people were sick. And we were brought to funerals to say goodbye. You know, you don't have to teach children about life if you don't protect them from it! Let them see what life is all about. You know, my mother and father never protected us from an <i>argument</i>. And you know what we learned is that you can love each other and still scream at each other. And that's been invaluable.

We need to tell our children the stories about our background. And if they won't listen to what mommy used to do, I'd put them down! Nothing is more important! Listen! You know, I used to hear about my great grandfather. I used to hear about my great grandmother. I used to hear what they did in Italy. I could visualize the village in which my mother was born so much so that years later, I decided the one thing I had to do was go back and get in touch with my roots. And you should all do that. Go back to your places where your grandparents were born, wherever that is, or your great-grandparents. And feel what happens to you because we all are a part of the past.

But you know, I remember I went to Milano, to the train station Milano, and I told them I wanted to go to this tiny little village. We got an AA map of Europe, and it was not on the map. But I knew it was there. And so I kept saying to this man at the train station, "I know it's there. I know it's there. My mother was born there, and my father was born just a little way beyond there." He said, "Oh well, we'll find it." So we looked and looked and said, "Oh indeed," he found it on the train thing. And he said, "Now what you do is you take this train from Milano and you go to Kivasil and you change trains in Kivasil. And you take a local, and you go to Kalusal which is this little village. He said, "Now you will be there.... And you know, and this is Italian time tables. Now if it were Switzerland? But Italian time, you'll be there approximately like 6:00 in the evening. So I wire my Nona, and I say I'm coming. I will be there at 6:00 in the evening on the local train. And so I go to Kivasil, and I change. And I'm on the train, and I'm looking at the stops. And I see that we're getting to my stop. And so I'm getting all excited. My heart is beating, and I get my luggage, and I go to the door. And we go <i>whoom!</i> And there I see all my family standing there in their Sunday best. You know, there they all are, Nona and Nono and everybody. And they watched the train go woo. Am I'm yelling for the conductor. I'm saying, "Hey, you told me this stopped here!" He said, "I did not. Someone else told you that. I didn't tell you that." I said, "Well, where are we going?" He said, "Oh, you won't be going far. We're only going another 80 miles or so before the train stops." So I get off there, and the man insists I pay the extra fare. So I get off, and the next train through is like 9:00 at night. And there I am all by myself. I don't know where I am with my bags. It starts to rain. And finally the train arrives, and I ask the man 60 times, "Is this a local, is this a local? "Yes, okay?" "Does it stop at Kalusal?" It stops. So we go down, and it indeed stops. And I get off the train with my little bag. And of course, there's nobody there. It's the middle of the night. But you know, because I listened to the stories, I knew where I was. I'm sure you felt that. I knew that somehow a part of me had been there before. And I remembered that my great-grandfather was the station master. And I also knew that you didn't go that direction to cross over the track. You went the other direction. And they had this misty rain. And I started to walk on this cobblestone street. And I finally got to the square. And there it was, just like mama had painted it: the little church, the little tratoria, the little grocery store.... You know, it wasn't the rain. It was the tears. Here I am. This is where (but for the judgment of God) I would have been born and raised. It was a magical moment. But all at once you have to face reality. I didn't know what to do. All the places were shut. Even the church was closed. And there I was. I thought, "Well, there's only one thing for me to do, and that is to go to the train station where I'd have a little bit of protection from the rain. And then in the morning I'd go. Right at that second, a door opened, and there was a path of light across the cobblestone street. Up a hill, and out walks my aunt who's a big robust woman casting a gigantic shadow down to the square. And I look up, and she looks down, and she screams feriche! You know how dramatic Italians are? Boy that reunion! If it was filmed by Francis Ford Coppola, it would have won an Academy Award. We encountered each other, you know, with this bang. And then all hell broke loose, literally. She woke up the neighbors and all of my relatives, and my aunts.... And my aunt you know.... It was the middle of the night! And of course, the first thing an Italian does is thinks of your stomach. Have you eaten? And (inaudible) I don't want to eat. Of course you want to eat! What's the matter with you? Get the food! Out comes the food. Out comes the neighbors. Feliche is here from America! You know.... And we're sitting there. We have this banquet. We drink our wine. And then magical.... They take me upstairs where my mother and father had their honeymoon, and put me in their nuptial bed. What dreams I had. And then in the morning, because Moniapina was the oldest, it was her privilege to take me, guess where? To the cemetery, all (Moniapina) dressed in black having cut all the flowers in the garden, my arm in hers, up this hill to the cemetery. There's your grandfather. He was this and this and this. There is your grandmother. You know, that might even, may sound weird? But I have never been the same, getting in touch with that aspect of yourself. Most of us are standing on isolated islands, and we don't even know who we are. Where do you come from? You want to know? Ask! They're still living, I'll bet. Mama, tell me about where you came from. Tell me about your happiest moment. Tell about your saddest moment. Tell me who was the first person to kiss you. That's the wonder. That's the magic!

But you know, we live in a society that celebrates youth. We're panicked because we're getting older. We sort of feel that there's something not quite right about getting old. You know, I love my wrinkles. I earned every single one of them. But I know so many people that can't stand them. They go crazy! So they have their faces all cut to pieces, and it pulls everything out of place including their character. You know, I always say when your face falls, try smiling. It pulls it up again. It's so funny because we are hilarious. But everybody wants to prolong life, but no one wants to get old. Sorry!

Do you ever wonder what you'd be like if you didn't know how old you were? You know, if all at once you didn't know how old you were? Because then nobody could say to you, "Act your age!" You say, "I don't know what my age is!" And here we have.... ....we have criteria for certain things. If you were a certain age, you can do certain things. That's hot air. Act your age! I love leaves. And every fall I put them in piles, and like Snoopy, I dive in them. I'm sure the neighbors look out and say, "Look at that coo coo man diving in the leaves!" I like to hug people. It's a wonderful way of being human to human being. That's immature behavior. Act your age Buscaglia! You're getting old! It's wonderful.

But you know, I just got back from Asia. And in Asia, they lie upward because age is respected. In our society, we hide our age because we fear being unloved and lonely. And what a pity when it's the time for celebration. We have all kinds of misconceptions about age. We say 65 is old. Huh? Ask me! We say that older means a loss of intelligence, or a loss of productivity, or a loss of attractiveness, or a loss of zest for life, that we become more dependent, that we become sexless.... Huh? And that all older people are the same. You know, gerontological research has shown us that as long as we continue to accept the challenge of ourselves, our sharpness, our understanding, our verve for life grows rather than diminishes.

You know, sure I'm not the same person you saw 15 years ago on television. Let's face it. I'm different in a lot of ways. For one, I'm losing my memory. You know, I'm always walking into rooms, and I don't know what I went there for. Oh it's important. I must go to the bathroom for a minute. I walk in there, and I think, "Why did I come in here?" But I long since gave up caring. I'm not going to worry about what I've lost. I still have a little bit left. I found out that old age is really the prime of life. The only problem is it takes a little longer to prime it. And you know in youth? All of my youth I sought the pot of gold. And now in old age, I'm pleased just to find the pot. And it takes me even longer to get over a good time than it took to have it.

You know, recently (I want to tell you this because it's an outrage) I recently went to the doctor. And I told them about a certain thing, you know, that I was worried about. And he actually looked me in the face and said, "Well, what do you expect? You want to live forever?" "No," I said, "I don't want to live forever." But while I'm alive, I'd like to live in the best manner possible!" I was reminded of a wonderful story of a man who went to see the doctor because his right arm ached. And the doctor said, rather sarcastically, "Well after all Mr. Jones, your right arm is 80 years old." And he said, "Well so is my left arm, and it doesn't ache!" You know, happiness isn't dependent upon age. It isn't correlated with age. You can celebrate many, many things because age gives a person license. It's wonderful. It finally gives you license to be totally who you are. You can finally speak your mind. You know? You can dye your hair blue. Your kids say, "Mom have you gone crazy?" No, I'm just getting my senses! But blue hair? Well if you don't like it, don't come and see me! You can dress in wild outfits. You can wear almost anything you want. You can order six desserts. Look at the menu. I can't judge. Bring them all! And you finally learn that happiness is not dependent upon a single person or a single event. You know, I can worry about what will so-and-so think? Well you know, I guarantee so-and-so doesn't think. So don't worry about it! And the world doesn't end, you learn, because somebody rejects you. If somebody A, rejects you, you go to B. Maybe B is better than A. But here you know, when you're young, you die because somebody says, "I don't like you!" You know when you're older, you say, "Well tough for you! I'm neat!" And you don't have to live for others.

And then another thing: it's possible for you to say no without a million excuses. You know, <i>I don't want to</i> is a really good excuse. Folks say, "Well I can't because the cat is sick, and the window is broken. And oh, I'd love to come, but you know.... And you're thinking, "Well why doesn't she leave me alone? You know, it's wonderful to be able to say, "Sally, I just don't want to. So knock it off!"

And you know, we're scared to death because we're told that everything we eat (for instance our health) because everything we eat is going to give us cancer. If it doesn't give us cancer, it's going to give us heart problems. If it doesn't give us heart problems, we're going to have osteoporosis. And so we're sitting there saying, "Should I? Should I? Should I?" Think about it, everything we were told ten years ago that were horrible for us are now the big things for health. I remember just ten years ago, pasta! You better not eat pasta! People who eat pasta die! Now it's all have pasta at least seven times a day. Olive Oil! Remember when olive oil was next to poison? Now they have it at the table, and you pour it on your bread. And you pour it on your aunt and uncle.... And then remember how terrible it was: red wine? Now they say it takes care of your heart, a glass of red wine! So just don't be neurotic about it. Enjoy!

My youngest sister recently died, and I went to see her. She used to love.... She had a certain kind of chocolate that she just loved. And I said, "I really want...." I went everywhere searching for these chocolates, and I brought them. I said, "Leah, this is for you." And her nurse said, "Do you want to kill your sister?" Here she is with tubes.... Can't we make her happy for this last.... If she wants to eat seven pounds of chocolates, eat them! She was so beautiful. You know, there's that marvelous thing, like ten years after she was dead, she was going to look better than her nurse. You want to kill your sister! Can you believe it?

Yeah Samuel Omen, who's written some beautiful things, says this: Nobody grows old merely living a number of years. People grow old by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up wrinkles the soul! Worry, doubt, distrust, fear and despair, these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the spirit to dust. So the villains are worry and doubt and distrust and fear and despair. Let's look at them. Why worry? You know, doing beats stewing. Wisdom? Instead of worrying about things, do something! And if there's nothing really that you can do, then forget it! Nine times out of ten they take care of themselves, don't they? They really do! Why open the umbrella before it starts raining? There's nothing.... There's no worry in the world worth worrying about. And what about doubt? Doubt is an invitation to think. And don't ask for any other benefit of the doubt because there isn't any. And you know distrust? The person who's all wrapped up in himself is over-dressed! When you create a mountain out of a mole hill, don't wonder why people won't climb it with you! And fear? You know, don't be afraid to climb out on the limb! That's where the fruit is! Fear is running from something that most often isn't even chasing you.

And Omen continues: in the central place in your heart, there is a wireless station. So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage, grandeur, and power from the Earth, from man and from the infinite, so long will you be young. When the wires are all down and all the central place in your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then you are old indeed, and may God have mercy on your soul.

So you know, it's a choice. And then love is going to require that we make sacrifices. And you know, we don't like to make sacrifices. We like to think that the world is made for us alone. You know, I worked with kids for years. And I was amazed at their attitude, that the world is theirs, and if they don't get what they want, they're going to raise the dickens. I used to ask in my love class, what these kids.... what have you sacrificed lately to make the world a better place. They didn't even know what I was talking about. What do you mean sacrificed? Well, they gave up things in order to get things. But that's not sacrifice because sacrifice is giving up something with expectations of nothing, just wanting to make things better. You know that there are cultures where the elderly actually stay behind and die so that the younger people can have the food to live? That's sacrifice! But you know, it seems to me that so many people never outgrow the stage of self-absorption. What's in it for me? They cry out, and they moan. They think again that the world owes them a living. Children are praised before they're really merited. And you know, that's why tests show that most children think they're better than they are. You know, I love concepts about self-concept and self-esteem. But you know, in order to feel self-esteem, you've got to do something to feel esteem about. Just because you are isn't enough! Do something great! And then you'll be proud of yourself. Step out of yourself and say, "What is there to do? I have so much to do!"

You know, George Bernard Shaw, (who always put the hammer right on the head of the nail) said this: this is the true joy of life being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one by being thoroughly worn out before you're thrown on scrap heap, by being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. And Norman Cousin says, "The clock provides only a technical measurement of how we live. Far more than the ticking of time is the way we open the minutes and invest them with meaning. Death is not the ultimate tragedy of life. The ultimate tragedy of life is to die without having discovered life's possibilities."

As I started tonight with the statement, love is the greatest gift of life and our most profound experience, I guarantee that if you miss love, you miss the purpose of life. And certainly true, that we were all born for love. But there is so much that each of us needs to do before we realize dedicating yourself to being a lover in the thousands of ways in which you can personify it in reality. The world needs our love now, probably more than it has ever needed it. So please, either lead or follow or get the hell out of the way. Thank you very much.

(applause)