Transcription
On Earth, we face a multitude of natural enemies. We have the wild animals, the natural disasters, the Fire Nation, and worse yet, Steve Curson. And throughout our lives, we are preparing ourselves if we ever suddenly find ourselves in a situation where we come across these obstacles. Normally, in the grown-up world, we'll just shoot and ask questions later if we've accounted for these problems, and sometimes, half the time, it works every time.
However, there are some occasions that humanity's natural enemies might come for us at school, and in case of those situations, we have school practice drills. Now, is that really why we have school drills? No. I just have a phobia of Steve K. Son.
American schools are known for a lot of things. None of them are good things, but they are certainly things. And I remember in school, we used to have surprise emergency practice drills. You know, stuff like the fire alarm piercing our ears at 8:30 in the morning while we're still half asleep. And for me, these drills never made sense because each drill, they'd want us to act in a calm and organized fashion. Even in a situation when it's not a drill and it's the real thing, they expect students to just walk out calmly. That's just not reality.
In a real fire drill, nobody's going to walk in a single-file line out the door. Everyone is going to be running and sprinting out of there, shoving everything and everyone out their way. That's what's really going to happen. Nobody's going to be calm and collective. Everybody's going to be running out of there because they don't want to burn to death.
Now, this also might not be the safest way to do it, because in a perfect world, we're all running as fast as possible, but we're all running in sync. You know, nobody getting trampled or injured, no casualties. We all get out of there, spick and span. The problem is that doesn't exist, and we have some slow-ass people holding us up from us trying not to be burned alive. Fast students trying to run away, and the slow students holding them up. But I don't want the slow students to get injured, you know, we're all human after all. I'm trying to get everybody out of there as safe and fast as possible.
So, I found a simple solution to that problem. During a real fire drill, all the slow people, you know who you are, stay back in the classroom and wait for everybody else to run out. Then, after when everybody's gone, then you can go. Hopefully, you didn't get burned alive during that time. Simple problems require simple solutions. This might sound inhumane, but I swear this is the best option for everybody. I speak for the people when I say this: we don't want slow [ __ ] walking 2 km an hour while we're trying to sprint out a burning building. We will push you out the way and run you over, no joke. There's literally no time to waste. You walking around slow is going to kill the both of us, and not going to lie, I'd rather you die than me. So get the hell out the way. Leaving them behind in the classroom is the best option. That's how fire drills at school should be done, not this single fire line stuff. They will be safe, I promise you. We will leave them with a water bottle just in case.
But you know what's worse than how schools do fire drill drills? How schools do lockdown drills. I don't know if they do this in other countries because y'all don't really got to worry about this happening like us Americans do. But lockdown drills are basically drills preparing us for just in case a dude comes in school trying to play real-life Call of Duty. And during these practice drills, they had us turn off the lights in the classroom, lock the door, and had us all hide in the same corner of the room, staying quiet. And when I say quiet, I mean quietly talking. People like to talk. And yeah, that's basically what we have to do during lockdown drills.
Now, do you see why it's dumb? We're supposed to do this if the Joker comes in the building. Every student in the classroom is basically in one place, just hoping that he doesn't come in. This doesn't leave students safe. This leaves students vulnerable. Just because you turn off the lights and lock the door doesn't mean he thinks nobody's in there. [ __ ] he was in there with us doing the practice drills, he knows what's up. And me personally, I'm not sitting there waiting to die. Soon as I hear a for real lockdown drill and I start hearing, I'm going to grab the nearest chair and bust the window, then jump out, then running as fast as humanly possible. What you think I'm going to do? Just sit there and play hide-and-seek with him? No.
But there's complications to this too. What if the classroom don't have any windows, or you're in a classroom in the basement? Well, sorry to say this, but you might be screwed. And I'm not going to hold you. Really, the best thing I can recommend in that situation is running zigzags, bro. Running zigzags. He's going to miss.
However, I have a plan for how lockdown drills should be done. Now, we can't have everybody running outside of the classroom where the [ __ ] is at. That's just not smart. So we got to have an escape plan with zero casualties. Here's the plan: On the loudspeaker, on a normal day of school, the announcer will be talking about a Special Assembly, saying, "Good morning students. May I please have all the Ethans, Connors, Zachs, Hunters, really all white boys that are wearing DC shoes, please head to the auditorium for a special assembly. There will be complimentary Monster energy drinks, mayonnaise, and Christian Bale and Ben Shapiro will be special guest speakers. Head there as soon as possible. Thank you." As soon as they hear that announcement, they're going to be running out that door like animals. They're going to get there as soon as possible. You had them at mayonnaise, bro. You had them at mayonnaise. We do this to get rid of all the quiet kids because one of them got to be it, bro. One of them, bro. And the special guests don't actually have to show up. It's just a front so we can actually talk about the real plan with the students.
Okay, so the plan is this: We all jump out the window, not hiding in the classroom. We all leave. After that, outside of every classroom is a secret passageway. And this secret passageway is going to look like a big wardrobe closet. Looks normal, right? It's supposed to be misleading because it really leads to a secret basement under the school that only we know about. And in that basement, there will be bulletproof armor for all the students and weapons of mass destruction. This is literally the safest place for these students to be. And bam, it's that easy. I just made a drill that's infinitely better than what students do now. Tell me I'm wrong.
Then, after we're done going over the real drill, we call all the quiet kid students back from the assembly. Then they arrive at class, then we're going to go over the fake practice drill, which is the real practice drill that people go over today. I just solved American school's biggest problem in like a few minutes. And now, a common question might be, "Well, where are we going to get the money for weapons of mass destruction and body armor for all the students?" And I'm glad you asked that question, and here's my answer: I don't know.
There were also tornado drills. I didn't really do this in school because there's really no tornadoes where I live. But the few times we did it, I didn't really understand it as a kid because we'd have to go in the hallways and go on the walls and duck. And I thought, what is the tornado going to do? Jump over us if we all duck it on the wall? Like, what is this? Now that I'm older, I can understand if you don't got a basement, this is probably the best option to protect yourself from a tornado. What else can you really do? Run? You're going to try to run away from it, and you're going to end up in the land of The Wizard of Oz. But school tornado practice drills is overall done right. Congratulations, you've done one thing right.
Man, I should become a principal and run a school based on my ideas on how to run school drills. My school about to be the safest school in America. Unlike these other schools teaching fake fundamentals of safety, my school is going to teach the real fundamentals of life and safety. How to do the backwing with your nut. DJ Ohio Tech, grades K to 12. I'mma open that school and have the [ __ ] the credibles and Bak's dad at security. This is going to be the safest school ever.
Yeah, that's pretty much all I wanted to say. I just had a random thought about saving the schools of America by actually proposing good school drills. And in conclusion, any school that's missing the principal, hit me up. I love it.