The 3 Most Narcissistic Behaviors from Dr. Ramani

All validation, awareness, empathy, kindness, respect, compassion, reciprocity, mutuality – all of it goes out the window in a narcissistic relationship. The few times you get any of it, you gobble it up because you're starving. You're satisfied with these teeny, tiny little scraps that you get.

Let's talk about intimacy avoidance. Intimacy is a pretty tricky word. Most people take it right to sex. Now, sex and sexual activity is actually a pretty small piece, pretty small slice of the intimacy pie. Now, when we look at a framework such as the one offered by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM, and how that book views personality functioning, the authors there refer to intimacy as the ability and the desire to establish and maintain enduring and satisfying relationships in a variety of areas. And these can be close romantic relationships, friendships, collegial relationships, but close, close relationships. But the ability to maintain that closeness over time and to maintain these as relationships with depth is the core of intimacy.

Now, in the new way, the new sort of formulation, they're thinking about personality disorders in the DSM. The DSM-5, narcissistic personality and other sorts of related personality disorders that are also characterized by patterns of conflict, antagonism, and dysregulation, are all believed to be disorders of intimacy. In patterns such as narcissism and narcissistic personality, intimacy can be hampered because relationships for narcissistic individuals are very superficial. And even when there is an interest in forming close relationships, there is a limited capacity to maintain these relationships for the long term, or there's the anticipation that, forget putting any effort in, the relationships are probably just going to go badly.

Intimacy is often viewed through a prison of contempt by people with narcissistic and related personality styles. In some ways, there is a deeply seated, almost unconscious belief that relationships are harmful. And in this way, the challenges with attachment that so many narcissists have – I'd say all narcissists have – mean that they really don't see any value, or more importantly, they actually don't see any safety in relationships. So intimacy is really not worth the risk or the effort and doesn't really seem to matter.

Now, that's not to say that narcissistic personalities don't want close relationships. They definitely do. But since they view these relationships rather suspiciously, it can all often degrade into a sense of contempt, as though there's a certain weakness inherent in intimacy and closeness. In many ways, because of the narcissist's deep insecurity, intimacy represents a threat. It's a threat of ego injury, a threat of disappointment, a threat of abandonment, all of which they perceive as a threat.

So in close relationships, for example, romantic relationships, intimacy avoidance can be very confusing because narcissistic personalities can be very sexualized in their presentation, very seductive, very attention-seeking, very focused on sex. And during the love bombing phase, there can be lots of seductive and sexualized kinds of experiences. For many narcissistic individuals, sex can almost be performative. It's much more about how it looks, and it can really be a source of validation. Sex can also be quite coercive and controlling within narcissistic relationships and used as a tool of guilt, manipulation, menace, and control. Boundaries around sex can feel very confused in narcissistic relationships, and this kind of confuses the issues around intimacy.

Now, in fact, when people do not understand that sex, like I was saying before, that sex is not intimacy per se, but rather that intimacy is actually about depth, consistency, and value and closeness, then that's the wake-up call at how devoid their relationship, their narcissistic relationship, is when it comes to intimacy.

Now, in narcissistic relationships, sex is often wielded as the only tool of intimacy, and it can be manipulated as, like, "Yeah, if you're not having sex with me, then we're not intimate." Then, once sex actually happens in a narcissistic relationship, or it's part of the intimate relationship, actually, frankly, the narcissist may actually believe that they're off the hook for anything further. That's all the closeness you're going to get. And then the other deeper elements of intimacy are very likely to be missing. In fact, people in narcissistic relationships may often feel that sex is, as it's a space that's really fraught with manipulation and power struggles, rather than being a connected and safe space.

Now, that said, well, sex is only a piece of intimacy, and only if it is associated with something deeper. Then exactly where does the intimacy come when it comes to a narcissistic relationship? It really doesn't. The early days of a relationship with a narcissistic partner, I don't know, it's characterized by love bombing, over-mirroring, lots of shared experiences, and possibly exciting sexual experiences that can feel like intimacy. But that, in part, is because many people miss the point that by definition, intimacy implies depth and consistency, both of which are lacking in a narcissistic relationship. But the early frenzy of activity in a narcissistic relationship and the intense interest that they often have in trying to get to know a new person, get, get to know a new person, can really confuse the issue.

Now, over time, you will realize that when you, now, over time, you're going to realize that you are actually malnourished when it comes to intimacy in a narcissistic relationship. The lack of deep connection, the lack of any interest in you, the superficiality, the avoidance of talking about any kinds of deep or emotional matters, can sneak up on you slowly. And when you attempt to address these issues, you will often face disrespect, resistance, denial, contempt, and gaslighting.

As I noted in the video on breadcrumbing, they give you just enough, just enough of whatever it is you need to keep you on the hook. And that way, they actually are starving you of intimacy, and you may not even understand it's happening. You will just think that, I don't know, maybe you guys are a little distant. But that lack of connection and that lack of depth really leaves an uncomfortable feeling. Many people identify the intimacy avoidance pattern in their relationship with a narcissist as they become less and less comfortable in having sex with their narcissistic partner. In essence, they feel increasingly as though they are living with a stranger. And even though the regular routines are present and it may kind of have the bells and whistles of a relationship, the lack of intimacy, including lack of closeness, vulnerability, lack of trust, and the sort of general superficiality of the relationship, all mean that's a bit like having sex with a stranger, and it doesn't feel okay.

A phenomenon that has been labeled intimacy anorexia is something that has been put forth by a, a man named Dr. Douglas Weiss. Now, this pattern is characterized by withholding all forms of intimacy from a partner. Interestingly, Weiss himself doesn't really connect this to narcissism per se, but rather he stipulates that it could be connected to patterns such as manipulation and coercion. Now, many of the patterns that Weiss highlights as being part of intimacy anorexia basically read as a handbook of what happens in narcissistic relationships when it comes to any of the themes we usually see. Think about it. It's what he says is he raises things like blaming the partner, withholding love, withholding praise, withholding sex, withholding feelings, but issuing criticism. You'll also see controlling behaviors such as financial control. He also highlights patterns such as the intimacy anorectic partner as always being too busy. And again and again, that is a theme that is often observed in narcissistic relationships.

Weiss connects many of these patterns to attachment issues. And since narcissism is an attachment, is an attachment issue at its core, it's no wonder, I at least, I don't think it's any wonder that there's so much overlap. The withholding and the absence of true intimacy in a narcissistic relationship is a classical hallmark of these relationships. It often doesn't get identified as such by the people in the relationship because it happens gradually. And again, because a lot of the bells and whistles of a relationship are still present, you still go out to dinner, you still do holidays together, you still take vacations together.

Another piece that also is quite interesting is that narcissistic individuals may often be extroverts and they hate to be alone, which can confuse us because we may think that they actually value relationships. In fact, they need people, but they need people for narcissistic supply. But they really don't want to be bothered with the engaged, deep, and long-term relationships characterized by respect and compassion because that's what intimacy means. Just simply having lots of people around doesn't imply intimacy and closeness. But as our understanding of intimacy evolves, we are understanding narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, and similar patterns to be deficits in intimacy. Even though the narcissist is often the life of the party, their preference for all things superficial means that it's never likely to go much deeper than that. This pattern is deeply frustrating and it can leave narcissistic relationships feeling like intimacy and closeness deserts, but deserts that are also peppered with blame, manipulation, coercion, and control. Anyone who's ever been in a narcissistic relationship recognizes that these are spaces where intimacy has left the room long ago. The, maybe not always intentional, but definitely the absence of intimacy in a narcissistic relationship and almost their sort of dodging that level of depth and closeness can be very confusing for someone who doesn't understand what the true depth of intimacy is. And then once you realize that these relationships, that narcissistic relationships, so often really are largely about withholding and control, the entire concept of intimacy avoidance by a narcissist can really, really, really help you understand why these relationships can often just feel like a drum. They have shape and form and they make a lot of noise, but there's nothing inside.

So today, we're going to take on the concept and the topic of breadcrumbing. So when we think about breadcrumbing, let's, let's take a step back. And when you look at your narcissistic relationship, are you ever shocked at how so little that they give you goes such a far way? Are you ever surprised at how just a tiny little bit of validation from them is actually enough for you? Think about it. A relationship with a narcissist is a famine of sorts because all validation, awareness, empathy, kindness, respect, compassion, reciprocity, mutuality – all of it goes out the window in a narcissistic relationship. The few times you get any of it, you gobble it up because you're starving. You're satisfied with these teeny, tiny little scraps that you get. A friend of mine once called it living on crumbs. And when you're starving, those crumbs are gobbled up and cherished because you're so hungry.

I have worked with countless clients and heard numerous stories who will run excitedly into one of our sessions or consultations and say, "We went away for the weekend, and he didn't ignore me during dinner, and he asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, and he put down his phone." And they're like, really excited about this. And that, that little bit, that little thing was enough for them after months of neglect, after months of not being seen. That little bit, putting their phone down during dinner, this was enough. And in this way, narcissists are able to do something called breadcrumbing.

Breadcrumbing is a process that often follows the process of devaluing. It's a bit like a person trying to attract a duck out of the water or something. I remember doing that as a kid. You lay a little trail of breadcrumbs to draw the duck back out of the water, draw the duck out of the water and follow you around. They just draw breadcrumbs, put little psychological breadcrumbs to draw you back in. And of course, to a narcissist, you're not more deserving of anything but the breadcrumbs. You're not deserving of anything more significant. God forbid they make a major shift in actually value you or encourage you or respect you. That's the whole loafer bread. That's not coming. Their devaluation and their contempt of you means that you were really only worth a few scraps or a few breadcrumbs to draw you back in. And you want to know the worst part about all of this? It works. Those breadcrumbs are actually enough to draw you back in.

For many people, the process of breadcrumbing is viewed through a lens of hope. That one night at dinner where your partner is not on his phone, that one day you visit your mother and she doesn't criticize you during the entire day, that one day your toxic friend actually listens to you talk about yourself without making it about her. You take that one day and it gets interpreted as, "Maybe they've changed." And then as they throw you more breadcrumbs, you hold on to them as something so precious, evidence for your faulty hypothesis that maybe things are getting better. Maybe now my partner gets me. Maybe now my mother gets me. Maybe now my friend is cool. It's interesting, honestly, how stale the breadcrumbs can be, and yet it still works. Because it really does still work.

Now, in general, narcissists are quite contemptuous of intimacy and deeply close relationships. They tend to sneer at how vulnerable you need to be in a relationship and the vulnerability that a relationship actually requires. So part of the process of breadcrumbing is the fact that they really don't do the things and won't do the things that are important to do in a relationship. So after the love bombing is over, and I know many of you didn't experience love bombing, so even if it ever happened, but if after it's over, then you're going to slowly see that the relationship will slide into devaluing and then maybe even slide into discarding. And then you start getting by on less and less in the relationship, less validation, less presence. But they learn early on that they can get by by only giving you bread crumbs. And you learn early on to subsist on those breadcrumbs.

This point about breadcrumbing is one that I really, really tried to make in my book, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" and talk about is like the one way that the narcissistic relationship can often trick you is when you have the coincidence of your needs aligning with their needs. It may be that at a moment in time, especially early in the relationship, you may have had like a shared goal, or you have something that they need, or your excitement about something that they really want. I don't know, like something like a new house or a new opportunity is harnessed. Your enthusiasm is harnessed to make it happen. But it only, the relationship is only working because you are on board with them. Once that is no longer the case, that your needs are no longer aligned, they're not going to be so interested anymore. Then it becomes a world of breadcrumbs. But because there was a moment in time when it really felt like it wasn't just breadcrumbs, you get confused.

Breadcrumbing typically looks like the opposite of love bombing. Like love bombing is loaves and ovens and bakeries full of bread. Breadcrumbing is really sparse. And as a result, breadcrumbing isn't at all about grandiose gifts or experiences. When you're being breadcrumbed, it might mean that the thing you get is that for a few days, they may stop doing that one thing you keep asking them to stop doing, whatever that may be. I don't know, stop having drinking so much after dinner, or I don't know, stop cursing, or whatever. Or they offered to do something that is such a simple courtesy that even a stranger would do it for you. But because these simple courteous gestures have often been missing from your relationship, the presence of these gestures can feel like a new dawn and all kinds of hope in the relationship. And sadly, because of the hope that keeps narcissistic relationships afloat, and you know, I say it's all about hope, that's why people stay in these relationships. You bite, you nibble on those breadcrumbs, you start to follow the trail of breadcrumbs that they are leaving for you.

And sadly, breadcrumbing may happen exactly at the time in the relationship, just when you are getting better at boundaries and you are engaging less and pulling away a little bit. Maybe you're even just sort of getting a little less interested, or maybe gray rocking. It can be so enraging to recognize that your narcissist actually does notice the subtle stuff you do. They just only notice it when it is convenient for them or when your behavior is inconveniencing them. So a lot of people think, "Is this person even know I'm alive?" Oh yeah, they know you're alive. They know you're alive when noticing you is in their best interests. So just as you are finding your strength in this relationship, maybe even setting boundaries, that's often when the breadcrumbing begins. They start giving you the crumbs that are just enough to plant a seed of doubt in your mind about the relationship. Just when you were ready to really step away from this relationship in a meaningful way, they sense that you are going to step away and figure out that they can keep you in the relationship with very little effort. There's the breadcrumbs. And once that doubt gets activated, their breadcrumbs may be just enough to keep you in the game a little bit longer. You learn to live on crumbs.

I've seen firsthand how breadcrumbing has literally resulted in narcissistic relationships lasting for years longer than they really should have. You were already on to them, but just those little breadcrumbs would keep you on the chain. And it's amazing how people can adapt and learn to live on the narcissist's little bitty scraps. Once the narcissist learns that they need to give you so little to keep you, that's all they're going to do. Is just going to give you a little. And they are so masterful at figuring out the very minimum amount to give you and still keep you on the chain.

Now, over time, when you are in a narcissistic relationship, you learn to do most things by yourself. It's amazing how often people like, "Yeah, I've just kind of learned just to do everything on my own because I might as well be alone." And the fight is often not worth it on the mundane tasks of life, like emptying the dishwasher. And may not even be worth it on the big ticket things, like helping you out on raising the kids. You have to learn to be self-reliant in these relationships, or you will absolutely go insane waiting for them to do the things that need to be done. So that means that breadcrumbing can also take the whole form of them helping out with simple household tasks, like simple errands, or simple responsibilities with the pets or the kids. Here's the thing: these are the things they've been doing at a minimum. They shouldn't be getting a medal and a parade for emptying the dishwasher or cutting the lawn. But after not having had that support for years, even if they just do it once, you're almost started like, "Wow, they went and did that." And it becomes one more way the breadcrumbing happens, just doing the basic, simple things that they should be doing as a person would in a relationship.

Narcissists are arrogant and audacious enough to even use their breadcrumbing to guilt you. They'll say things like, "I offered you a glass of wine last night," or "I gave the baby a bath last week," or "I remembered to mail that package back of that thing you ordered," or "Don't you remember I picked you up from that airport that one time?" It's as though those actions that they engaged in cancel out your ability to ask anything further from the relationship. And a lot of people fall for it and say, "Yeah, I guess they did once pick me up from the airport."

Breadcrumbing is much more common in intimate, you know, sort of romantic relationships, like marriages, boyfriend-girlfriend, fiancé, fiancé kind of thing, where partners just try to keep the other partner around just as they feel like they might be slipping away a little bit, or just because they want to keep a partner around, but they don't want to put that much effort in the relationship. It's like they like the idea of the relationship, maybe they don't like the idea of it, but they don't want to put that much work into it because narcissists don't.

But breadcrumbing can happen in other relationships. Narcissistic family members, especially parents, can capitalize on the fact that kids will accept the smallest, tiniest breadcrumbs from their parents just because they are their parents. You know this if you had narcissistic parents as a child. If you had a narcissistic mom or dad, you know that you could go for weeks on just one decent hour with that parent who couldn't be bothered giving you the time. That hour where they might have actually listened to you, or like the picture that you drew, or I don't know, laughed at a joke you told, or read you a book. Kids are remarkably susceptible to breadcrumbing because they just want to be seen and noticed and loved by their parents. And that can set a really dangerous precedent. So fast forward that, fast forward that childhood breadcrumbing into it, into adulthood, and your parents, even when you're an adult, can get away with breadcrumbing you. You are still content if they give you one compliment in a sea of invalidation. That dynamic of trying to please your unpleasable, or frankly, unappeasable parent can be a really tough dynamic to shake. You know, and in that way, a narcissistic parent can actually breadcrumb you with things like compliments, little compliments, or memories, or even guilt. "I sacrifice so much for you. I did so much for you." And on and on and on. You know the drill. If you come or grew up in a family system in which breadcrumbing, just getting those tiny little bits, was the norm, then accepting breadcrumbs as an adult can feel like you're getting enough. You could get so little in a relationship and you're okay with it. You actually get used to living in an emotional famine. And that idea that emotional famine is precisely what a relationship with a narcissist is all about. It's an emotional famine with a fair amount of manipulation thrown in.

Now, even in the workplace, a narcissistic boss can, sort of, breadcrumb you with foolish opportunities. I don't know, letting you go on some silly business trip and letting you fly first class, or putting you in a nice hotel, or giving, or them other exchanges, giving employees a crappy pizza party or something like that, just as they're gonna screw at their work schedules. In these little ways, when you have an employer that is so invalidating, who's typically really nasty, a slice of pepperoni pizza on a Wednesday afternoon can actually feel very special.

So why do they, why do narcissists breadcrumb? It really comes down to their inherent devaluation of intimacy and devaluation of close relationships. Instead of doing the deeper work and sharing their deeper selves in a relationship, what happens is breadcrumbing. In essence, it's sort of a communication of their general sense of contempt for human relationships.

Now, in addition to all of that, narcissistic relationships are often a bad series of bad precedents that happen over and over again. And because the other person in a narcissistic relationship is often confused by the cycle of love bombing and devaluing and discarding, if you're in that kind of cycle, if you're in that kind of relationship, it's easy to get accustomed to getting less and less from your narcissistic partner or narcissistic person of any kind in your life. Over time, then before you know it, you really do get accustomed to living on breadcrumbs. And then over time, are so confused and so gaslighted that it starts to feel difficult, if not impossible, to ask for or even believe you deserve anything more than those breadcrumbs. Because narcissists have such diminished empathy and because they are so entitled, it means that they often don't feel like they have to offer you any more. And voila, before you know it, the relationship is in essence, sort of running on fumes or breadcrumbs.

And you know what? It's an interesting, it's so, it's almost so basic when you understand narcissism. Basically, narcissists are just too entitled to feel that they really need to expend that much effort in a relationship. Once they have you, making an effort in a relationship is just not something they feel they need to do. And that's something a lot of people will remember after that love bombing phase, like, "It's just when they thought they got me, there was kind of no they're there anymore."

Now, in order for any of us to defend ourselves against breadcrumbing in any kind of narcissistic relationship, the most important thing, and this is a hard one, is we need to know our own value. We need to learn to have realistic expectations as well. We're in a toxic relationship, you need to be realistic. And you need to see the breadcrumbing for what it is. Maybe a day of breadcrumbs becomes a decent momentary break from the relationship that's really impoverished and doesn't have anything going on. And that's typically manipulative. What you've got to do is not generalize for one day of breadcrumbing and think that this relationship has changed significantly. See it as a break in a rather bleak space. But on that higher level, you need to be aware of your own value as a person. You all of us deserve better than breadcrumbs. You deserve big, Sumptuous loaves of bread, big, Sumptuous meals that are that are really what is represented by a healthy, respectful, and compassionate relationship. So here's a thought: one inch, adjust, grab a broom, sweep away those breadcrumbs, and start holding out for a full, rich relationship, which is what you deserve.

When someone says they will call you later, you expect that they will. Maybe a few times, they may not follow up with the call. But perhaps for perfectly good reasons, they might say something like, "I fell asleep," or "I got distracted with work." How many times though, does it need to happen before you recognize that they simply are kind of messing with you? That they probably aren't going to call you back.

Future faking is often much more sinister than not calling you back later. It's actually a form of manipulation. And if keeping you hooked in by making the kinds of future promises you want to hear, for example, this may include wanting to have a family with you someday, and perhaps they might say things about wanting to get married someday, and buy a house together someday, and travel the world together someday. It may be that they're going to support you in starting a business together someday. They set the tone for the life you want, for the life you envision, and for the things that you hope for. And they use future faking, though, for very different and much more manipulative purposes. Future fakers reassure you. They tell you about the income potential that they're going to have one day, or that they're making more than enough money to take care of both of you. In that way, future fakers can often coax a partner to leave a job or move to another place, even another country, just to be with a narcissist. And then they tell you they'll take care of everything financially and take care of you so you can pursue your dreams.

If we know only one thing, it's that one of the main things that can often keep people stuck in narcissistic relationships is financial dependency. And once that narcissist renders you financially dependent on him or her, they are able to exert far more psychological control. And that's even going to be more pronounced if you move to a part of the country you're not from, or to another country. The future faking idea that they will take care of everything financially can get you stuck into a prison. And this can happen in family situations too, when family members promise you more opportunities in the future, for example, if you join a family business, or they'll promise you money for something like a down payment for a house, or for tuition, or for a wedding. "I promise all of that someday, if you just continue to live near them and not move away for a new job or something else that gives them ongoing control of you." Sometimes it may just be the debt.

Now, one function of future faking is simply to distract you. Just when you may be having a growing sense of discontent about the relationship, or maybe even starting to express some unease, or even slowly drawing away, or maybe you just have your own dreams and aspirations that this relationship doesn't fall into. Future faking is a perfect manipulation to draw you back in. They'll focus on talking about future things that really, really matter to you. And that doing this, this future faking, can make you doubt yourself and make you think twice about transitioning out of the relationship. You're like, "Am I leaving before they serve the cake?" Because what they'll often do is they will often employ future faking at very strategic times to keep you hooked in to the relationship. Just when maybe a significant decision needs to be made about work or school, that's when they'll exert it.

Now, future faking is often a way for them to get what they want. Now, by making a promise to you that's down the road, "One day, when we have kids. One day, when we buy a house." And so on and so forth. In that way, it's sort of like a psychological Ponzi scheme, in which you buy in now and never get paid down the road. They ask you to make a sacrifice now, make a compromise now, give them money or support something else now, because someday they will do whatever that thing you want is. Now, what they're astute at is really kind of figuring out what matters to you in the future and promising you exactly that thing. Now, it's not because they're magical, but it's often part of the mirroring process, where they listen to you and they figure out what makes you tick, which gives them a perfect tool to future fake from.

Future faking often does build off of that idea of mirroring, which is another video in the series. Now, narcissists devote a lot of time to mirroring and to getting the data about you. As a result, they do know what to future fake about because they've learned so much about you. So if you never mention kids or any interest in kids, they're not going to say, "Hey, one day we're going to have kids," because that's not going to be a good future fake that draws you in. It preys upon that most vulnerable part of you, your hope. And as we already know, hope is already what often gets people stuck in narcissistic relationships because you think, or you hope, that things will get better, or you hope that things will change. But future faking is also something else that can harness your hope, leaving you convinced that if you just stick it out, you will get the thing you want. And that, oh my gosh, if I walk away from this now, it's just one more time of me self-sabotaging.

Now, anybody who comes from a narcissistic family system knows that future faking is a standard part of the narcissistic family's operating manual. Whether it is day-to-day promises or spending time with your cat, they will make those promises. "Yeah, I'll play catch with you when I get home." "Yeah, well, definitely, we'll, we'll take, we'll go to the park this weekend." "Oh, absolutely, next week we'll go back to school shopping." Or they go into the bigger ticket promises, the bigger future faking, that perhaps someday they will support you and give you financial support for tuition or something like that, as long as you just help them right now. Many of you can recall how a narcissistic family member fleeced you. You help them at exactly the time they needed, might have given up your time, even something you wanted to do, but you did it on the basis of not only being a nice person, but of some future promise. And that future never materialized. This can feel awful, regardless of who the family member is, but it can feel particularly atrocious when it's your parent. A parent that's in essence dangling a carrot. They did it when you're a kid, they do it when you're an adult, but it turns into nothing.

Future faking is also often a big part of working with a narcissist. You may, for example, work with an important mentor in your field, or a teacher, or a supervisor, or boss who might promise you all kinds of opportunities, or a book you would write, or other advantages, or open doors for you. And you end up being nothing more than that person's glorified assistant and never ever get any of the recognition either publicly or even through other things like money. A boss may suck you in by promising you valuable options in the company down the line and sell you all kinds of grandiose lines about profit sharing and promotions. And then they demand you work tirelessly for less than you are worth. Now, on the basis of those future promises, it can be pretty devastating to put the time in and never having it materialize.

Future faking lies are particularly clever lies because they link into our hope for the future. It's not a lie in the present time because they're promising something down the future. It's a lot easier to call out a lie that's happening right in front of us. It's a little bit harder to call someone out on something that they're promising down the line. It may take months, years, or even decades to uncover a future fake. And by then, you may have lost a lot of life. You wait and you wait and you wait. And you take out the student loans. You think they're going to come bail me out on that tuition. Before you know it, you got eighty thousand dollars in student debt. The money never comes.

A personal example of mine actually comes from a job I once had with a tyrannical boss. It was a prestigious working situation. Long story short, she promised me all kinds of great things. She promised me great opportunities and a tremendous likelihood of advancement and pretty much my name in lights, that I could work independently and I would be a hot shot in the field of psychology. I worked on a team, and she worked us to the bone and pretty much kept us on lockdown. The norm in our kind of a job was that you could really work from home, or work in a library, or work anywhere you needed to get the job done. And it was really only measured on results. Most of us worked far more than the eight hours that the job required, but she expected us locked down. We would have gotten so much more done if we weren't in the midst of all that chaos. But all the promises she was making didn't seem to be materializing. And I could see that the future indeed seemed fake. And I was quite young at the time, so I went on a secret job search, and I ended up leaving.

Interestingly, 10 years later, I had the opportunity. I ran into someone who actually stayed in that job, holding out for the big bright future that this tyrant was promising. What was so compelling to me was this woman, very lovely, told me she stayed for another 10 years. Not only had she not been advanced, not one thing that had been promised had been achieved. Ten years later. For me, it was a living lesson on future faking that this, bought, this particular tyrannical boss kept everyone in line with promises of a bright future, instead taking every opportunity for herself. And since it happened to be in a field in which things do happen slowly, in academic and scholarly fields, things do happen slowly. You wanted to believe it. You wanted to believe that someone who was a mentor would help you achieve your dreams. It was definitely a rude awakening and one heck of a compelling way to learn about future faking.

Future faking represents a very cruel hybrid of manipulation, lying, and mirroring for the narcissist. It is a way of buying time, a way of keeping you in without actually having to expend the effort of creating a meaningful future together, or a meaningful future that has opportunities for you that work for you. They're going to be very quick to say, "Oh, if you only move to New York with me, I promise me you will move back to Chicago. Trust me, you better eat one last deep dish pizza because you won't see in Chicago."

So why do narcissists future fake? Well, as always, it's a way for them to keep their steady source of validation and approval just nearby without having to do that much work. It's also a way of exerting their grandiosity because so much of what they, sort of, future fake about is really quite grandiose. "Oh, someday we're going to live in a house that big, and you'll drive by all the big houses in your town." Or, "We're going to buy a retirement house on a lake." Or, "We're going to move to Hawaii. We're going to travel around the world. We're going to have four kids, and we're going to move to a place with wonderful schools." Or, "We're one day going to make you the head of this company." Or, "I'm going to one day take care of your family because of all they've done for us." Or, "I'm going to make your creative dreams come true and support you while you pursue pursue your dreams."

From a probability standpoint, at the time the narcissist makes the promise, you can see how far away that hope is. But we're all just little kids who want to believe in the dream. We want to believe, much like every little child out there does, that one day our hope, our dream will come true. And when someone is sitting there and promising it to us, that we don't want to question the future faking. So the narcissist gets to use their grandiosity as a tool of manipulation. And narcissists do manipulate, so you don't see how insecure they are, or how really ineffectual they are. The fact is, they cannot make the things they promise happen in the moment. It's just not possible. You can't snap your fingers and make the big house come, or magically make four kids come into existence. But by promising they'll make it happen down the road, it allows them to soothe their insecurities about their fact that they're not really Superman or Superwoman and keep you around.

Remember, narcissists are actually quite fragile in the face of abandonment because abandonment does activate their insecurity. Future faking, in a way, becomes a way to avoid that reality and avoid that abandonment threat, as well as a threat to their inner insecurity.

So what does future faking do to you? I promise you, it's not very good. It messes with your head because it actually harnesses your hopes and uses them against you. By mirroring you, the narcissist taps into what matters to you and then promises it to you. It's like falling prey to a very, very clever mind reader. It is really a particularly compelling form of manipulation because enough of us are realistic enough to recognize that not everything can happen right in this moment. So obviously, someone may very well promise you your dream, or dream house, and dream life one day. But we have to be realistic, and we have to be circumspect enough to recognize that it cannot happen right now. So in that way, we're being the realists. We then recognize that it's going to take time for these so-called promises, or to get the money, to build the family, all of those things that would make this so-called promised future happen. However, in doing that, we affix that dream to the narcissist. And now the narcissist's flaws, the narcissist's invalidation, and their emotional abuse can actually get overlooked because they are conflated or linked to that dream. You may very well stay in whatever kind of relationship you have with them, not because it feels good, not because it's healthy, but because you really do, because of the future faking, truly believe that it's the pathway to the future you want.

I'm going to be honest with you, if I had a dime for every person who saw the red flags but stayed in the narcissistic relationship because the narcissist offered the dream, offered the things they wanted from life, which often ended up as, and it often ended up manifesting as more of a nightmare than a dream, I would be a very wealthy woman. Again, our dreams are almost used against us. Future faking, honestly, in my estimation, is one of the more cruel forms of narcissistic abuse because it plays on such a childlike, vulnerable part of all of us, our dreams, and our hopes, and our wishes, and frankly, our fantasies for the future. And they don't have to be grandiose. It may be just a picket fence and a kid and a golden retriever. But ultimately, narcissists are the greatest illusionists and magicians and masters of disguise and deception. Future faking is a hell of a trick. Hocus pocus, I'm going to make you look over there. I'm going to take your dreams and wishes and promise them to you, and you will believe me, and then they will never happen.

You know what is so, so hard about it is that we think it will happen. So how do we best avoid future faking? One thing is, don't fully link your wishes and your aspirations to another person. Own that stuff. Pay attention to other examples in your life of the narcissist making more short-term promises that never come true. So, for example, the original simple future faking example, when they don't return calls when they say they will, when they don't pick up the groceries they said they would on the way home, when they don't show up when they say they would pick you up and take you somewhere. Those small future fakes are usually the canaries in the proverbial coal mine that leave a trail that lead to the larger future fakes that can not only leave you feeling devastated, but can leave you to really fake a life and miss, I should that actually lead you to waste of life and fill you with regret, regret and make bigger mistakes. The smaller fakes always lead to larger ones.

Honestly, the only way to truly avoid future faking is to put yourself in charge of your own dreams. And always keep in mind that so many people after they go through an experience of future faking, they often blame themselves. They say, "This is my fault. I wanted X, Y, and Z so badly that I got blinded by my own dreams. I got blinded by my own hopes. I got blinded by the things I wanted." And I wanted them so bad, and again, they may not be grandiose things, that I believed that moving to this other country, moving to this other place, giving up my career, leaving school early, supporting their education, and so on and so on and so forth, was going to be what was right for me. And I got so lost in that. And they'll get mad at them and say, "I let this happen." I wouldn't be that hard on yourself. The fact of the matter is, is that even though it's incredibly important that you become the advocate for your own dreams, every one of us, every one of us is vulnerable to the idea of wanting to share hopes and dreams and wanting to attach ourselves to people who share those hopes and dreams, hoping we can achieve them together. It feels like it's so much more of a joyous journey when we share it with someone. And it can be. Just make sure that you hit your wagon to someone who's respectful, compassionate, kind, and sees through those day-to-day promises. It's a good sign that they may also follow up on the bigger ones.

Thanks again, and I hope that makes sense of future faking to you. And please, as always, please hit the bell, subscribe to this channel, and then you'll get notifications as more content, more videos, and more YouTube lives happen. Thanks again.