Transcription
Chapter 8. Unminize yourself.
Engaging with partners and lovers. You've done a lot of reading and talking and find yourself ready for action. Maybe you've finally scheduled your first date with a poly person or are planning to attend your first event. You find yourself excited, nervous, and a bit disregulated. This is completely normal. But there are ways to guide yourself through this new process.
While you may be ready to jump into action, your first step, if already coupled, will be to engage with your existing partner.
Forming agreements. "We find comfort among those who agree with us, growth among those who don't." - Frank A. Clark.
Agreements form the backbone of healthy, respectful, and fulfilling relationships in any context, but take on an even more significant importance within the landscape of open relating. In a world that often idealizes the notion of love as limitless and free flowing, the reality is that clarity and mutual understanding are essential for avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Thrown into the deep end. Ariel and Gustavo had been dating for several months when they decided to attend a club. Gustavo had been a swinger for several years and was eager to introduce Ariel to the scene. Leading up to their night on the town, they didn't talk through what Ariel should expect, so she became more and more nervous. She had fears about Gustavo leaving her, STI, and getting stuck in a situation she wasn't comfortable with involving other people. These fears were so pervasive that she made herself sick the day that they were heading out. But she didn't talk about this with Gaddavo. Gustavo for fear of upsetting him. He was avoidant and decided he'd just throw her into the scene. Upon the arrival, Ariel Ari Ariel was excited, but also very clingy. She didn't know how to navigate this new space full of people she didn't know. Gustavo immediately recognized familiar faces, and the two began drinking. Ariel drank more than usual to calm her nerves and found herself shitfaced in an hour. They stumbled into a bedroom with a couple Ariel had just met and began to play sexually with little more than each other's names when Ariel had a full-on panic attack, began hyperventilating, and puked all over the scene.
We'll spend some time on this, as there are a number of mistakes and pitfalls that both Ariel and Gustavo could have avoided had they been more thoughtful.
At the heart of polyamory lies the recognition that love is not a finite resource. Rather, it is abundant and can be shared among many. However, this abundance does not negate the necessity for boundaries and agreements. Whether you're partnered or not, it's important to understand what your agreements are with yourself, your pre-existing relationships, and with future partners. In essence, agreements are not just about setting limits, but about creating a safe space for love and fun to flourish. They empower us to embrace the polyamorous lifestyle with intention and care, ensuring that our connections are as enriching and joyful as we envision them to be.
Creating guidance for self. "You have to love yourself before you can love anybody else." - Ivor, my six-year-old son.
Understanding your boundaries, comfort levels with various situations, and personal dating styles is essentially essential for navigating the world of polyamory. Had Ariel taken the time to know her own needs and boundaries, she could have communicated them more openly and avoided her own embarrassment and shame. And had Gustavo taken the time to explain what to expect, he could have either alleviated some of her fears or crafted agreements to make her feel safe in her new environment.
One effective tool for articulating her boundaries and desires is the RBD SMA formula. Often utilized in play parties to foster clear communication among participants. However, I find it helpful to first have this discussion with yourself to understand your boundaries and desires and as a practice for a conversation with partners in the future.
Exercise. Complete your personal RBDs SMA. Take a moment to write down the following for yourself.
R. Relationship status and agreements. This involves communicating your current relationship status and any agreements you have in place with existing partners. Being transparent about your commitments helps others to understand where you stand and what they can expect. How do you define your your relationship status and what are you looking for?
B. Boundaries. What are you a no to? This can encompass not only physical boundaries but also limitations related to time, emotional capacity or specific behaviors you find unacceptable.
D. Desires. Here you articulate what you are yes to. your desires for connection, intimacy, and exploration. This is your opportunity to express the types of experiences you're seeking and what excites you in relationships.
Sexual health and safety. Communication about sexual health is vital, when were you last tested, what were you last tested for, what were your results. This is also where you establish safer sex practices, including condom usage and birth control methods. Safety is also a topic under which you would discuss substances and whether you're taking any substance that would alter your ability to consent to engagement with others.
M meaning this aspect focuses on the significance you assign to interactions with others. Here you can share your feelings about casual encounters, one night stands and your expectations surrounding intimacy and emotional connection. How do you feel about one night stands? Are you looking for something casual or would you prefer not to engage if some isn't ready to explore something deeper with you?
A afterare. Afterare is crucial for maintaining emotional well-being after intimate interactions. What afterare needs do you have such as cuddling, follow-up conversations or requests for ongoing friendship or dates following a sexual encounter?
The RBDsMA formula not only serves as a guideline for interacting with others, but also as a reflective tool for establishing your own agreements with yourself. Remember, your journey into polyamory starts with commitments you you make to yourself, paving the way for meaningful interactions with others.
Aligning with existing partners. "Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success." - Henry Ford.
After completing your personal RBDsMA, it's time to bring that insight into a conversation with your partner. And before diving into the RBDSMA discussion, it can be helpful to start by exploring your fears and hopes together. Imagine if Ariel and Gustavo had done this before their night out. I recommend beginning with what I call wildest and mildest, a game coined from a friend and sex educator, Reed Mahalo. Start by asking yourself, what are my wildest and mildest hopes as we embark on this new experience? and what are my wildest and mildest fears?
Your hopes might include aspirations like meeting another partner and cultivating two long-term relationships, embracing a more adventurous sexual life, or exploring your bisexuality through connections with different genders, or simply engaging emotionally or sexually with someone new. Allow yourself to dream big and share these hopes openly, creating a safe space for discussion.
On the flip side, it's also essential to acknowledge your wildest and mildest fears, as these can evoke significant emotions. You might fear that your partner will leave you for someone younger or more attractive or worry about the possibility that your partner your partner getting someone else pregnant. Concerns may also arise around opening your relationship where it could add stress complicating your existing bond. Additionally, you might fear falling in love with someone else and wanting to leave the relationship or that this new arrangement might expose you to sexually transmitted infections or STI. Discussing these hopes and fears is vital as they will directly inform the agreements that you form together thereafter.
Once you've explored your feelings and your fears, you can transition into the RBD SMA discussion with your partner based on the outline discussed earlier in this chapter. Had Ariel shared her fears and insecurities with Castavo prior to their excursion, she could have given voice to fears around STI, abandonment, jealousy, mixing sex with substances, etc., and the two of them would have had an opportunity to discuss how they might help each other to feel safe. By addressing both hopes and fears first, you create a solid foundation of understanding and empathy, which can lead to more meaningful and constructive agreements. This process not only fosters clearer communication, but also helps you both feel more secure as you navigate your evolving relationship dynamics together.
Formalizing agreements. After completing your RBD SMA conversation with yourself and discussing it with your partner, the next step is to expand upon the relationship agreements you want to establish. First, it's an important to define what an agreement is. According to Webster, an agreement and is a manifestation of mutual ascent among two or more individuals regarding how they will act. This means that everyone involved is aligned and committed to the same understanding. Importantly, agreements are not rules or requirements imposed by one person onto another.
Micromanaging via agreements. Diana and Patrick had had uneven agreements for a long time. Patrick had blanket permission to pursue whoever and whatever he wanted, while Diana was required to seek specific permission for specific acts with specific people. Diana had a work trip planned and discussed connecting with a crush while on that trip. While she shared her plans to engage with oral sex, Patrick shared that he wasn't comfortable with that, so she didn't engage at all. Patrick also held veto power, which he exercised, shutting down several dates and lovers. Over the years, Diana built a growing resentment about their power dynamic and began acting out like a petulant teenager when he exercised his no. A common pitfall for many when establishing their initial agreements is you using them as a means to exert control when they fear feel powerless. If during a conversation with your partner, you sense that a rule is being imposed on you, it's crucial to address that openly. For nearly a decade, Diana and Patrick's agreements fostered an unhealthy power dynamic that was difficult for them to navigate. Therefore, as you begin this process, it's essential to clarify that what you are aiming for in your agreements, that you promote mutual respect and understanding rather than impose control over one another. This foundation will help ensure that your agreements are supportive and empowering for both partners.
Agreement evolution over time. "The only constant in life is change." - Heracletus.
As I interviewed couples and individuals who had been practicing non- monogamy for varying lengths of time for this book, one consistent observation was that early in the process of entering open relationships, agreements tended to either not exist and they'd stumble through landmines or they'd be much more rigid. Rigid agreements serve an important purpose. They facilitate the transition from a monogous mindset into a polyamorous one. Balance takes time. It cannot happen overnight and requires significant effort, investment, and ongoing conversation. Agreements provide partners with an opportunity to express their boundaries, share their concerns, and understand their limits in a way that fosters a sense of safety for everyone involved. The primary goal of establishing agreements is to create a secure environment for all individuals in the relationship. As a result, initial agreements can often appear limiting or prescriptive.
Exercise. Define your initial agreements. On a sheet of paper, write out your joint answers to the following set of questions in order to form your initial agreements.
One, how will we look for new partners, i.e. dating apps, parties, etc.
Two, will we date, play together, separately, or both? If dating together, will we only communicate with each other's lovers directly? If separately, do we want to know our partner's lovers? Do we want to meet them? If we want to know them, do we want to communicate with them in advance of a date? And if both, how will we navigate time alone versus time dating others together?
Three, is there any act that is sacred, i.e. belonging only to us like sex in our own bed or showers or certain date locations etc.
Number four, what do we need from each other before a date i.e. a kiss and a cuddle during the date i.e. check-in texts after the date i.e. sex together.
Number five, do we need dating to be even i.e. both of us are on a date at the same time?
Number six, where do we stand on overnights trips?
And number seven, how much do we want to know about a date after the fact?
Partners may also decide to have one set of agreements more valuebased as an ongoing understanding, but another perhaps more specific for an event or specific date. It's crucial for partners to revisit their agreements consistently over time. My husband and I review our agreements quarterly, while I've spoken to other couples who meet weekly um with their polyinformed therapist to discuss theirs. Agreements often reflect the fears you have about situations that have yet to occur, judgments about past experiences or frameworks that provide with a sense of security in the in the present. Over time, partners are likely to one, feel safer with one another, two, develop a more secure attachment to to partners and/or metamores, and three, gain more experience with open relating. Consequently, it's common for agreements to become either more explicit as experiences trigger more insecurities or more flexible and less rigid as the relationship evolves.
Transparency versus disclosure. "Transparency doesn't mean sharing every detail. Transparency means providing the context for the decisions we make." - Simon Synynic.
In some situations in relationships, agreements can slant more towards don't ask, don't tell or dad, where one or more partners prefers not to know the details of their partner's outside interactions. What is the difference between transparency and disclosure? Among the 100 people I interviewed for this book, a consistent theme emerged. The value of transparency was paramount. Words like transparency, honesty, integrity echoed throughout our conversations as chief values in dating multiple people. However, I find it fascinating to differentiate between transparency and disclosure. Throughout my experience with my husband over the years, I've learned that I thrive on knowing as many details as possible about his encounters with others. In contrast, he prefers not to know the specifics and leans more towards don't ask, don't tell. He's aware when I have a date and meeting someone or attending an event, retreat, or trip. But unless I choose to share the details, he'd rather remain uninformed about what actually transpired. He's open to discussing significant moments of growth or insights, but in general, he prefers that I refrain from disclosing the particulars.
Exercise. Rate your disclosure preference. There are benefits and drawbacks to various levels of disclosures. Take a moment to write down the level of disclosure that you are seeking. to one receive from your partner and two offer to them. How much do you want to know about their dates? Do you want the details about sexual encounters? Would you prefer to hear from your partner rather than someone else? It is entirely valid to say, "I don't want to know the details without placing blame on either partner for their preferences." Many have judged dad as not falling in line with poly principles. But after living through a series of agreements with my partner, I'm a supporter of this approach when requested. I found it challenging to grasp this concept until very recently. But it's crucial to recognize that differing needs around disclosure do not imply that either person is in the wrong.
Documenting and revisiting your agreements. "The pen is mightier than the sword." - Edward Buller Litten.
Once you've established your initial set of agreements, make sure to write them down in a place where you can easily revisit them, such as a shared note on your phone or as an email thread that you can exchange. It's crucial to have these agreements documented as you want to refer back to them regularly to ensure that you remain aligned.
taking off the wedding ring. Dante and Lorie had been open for some time and felt relatively comfortable with their agreements, but they had never written them down. They just felt that they were understood between the two of them. That is, of course, until Dante had a date that involved sensual massage and took off his wedding band in the process. The moment that Lorie saw Dante S's wedding ring, she lost it, claiming that Dante had violated their agreements and disrespected their marriage, Dante was confident that this had never been discussed, but had no way of referring back to the explicit agreements they had made.
This hits close to home. My husband was once convinced that we had an agreement requiring us to be good first before we could go on a date. Not surprisingly, before many dates, an argument would materialize out of thin air, and I was expected to cancel my date. I was able to refer to our shared note to have demonstrated that this was never something we had agreed upon, and that it introduced a power dynamic that I was uncomfortable with. This was significant because he had been holding me to this requirement for a couple of years, and I could show him that it wasn't part of our agreements.
Your agreements will be dynamic and will evolve as your relationship grows. I recommend scheduling a quarterly agreement review where you can sit down together, whether in a group meeting or a family meeting, and discuss each agreement to determine if they still resonate with both of you. For instance, early in our relationship, my husband and I maintained a white list, a list of people who had we had permission to play with. Over time, that white list expanded significantly until we ultimately decided to remove it all together. Today, our only remaining agreement is to always have an RBDSMA conversation and to use protection during opposite sex penetration. And when we've and we've eliminated all other agreements to help to help keep track of your agreements, make sure you date each written document so you have a record of when you last agreed to specific terms. This will provide clarity and context as your relationship evolves.
Exercise. Write them down. Determine a shared medium that all partners have access to. Create an entry with today's date and include the following.
What we need from each other. Examples. Disclose before going on a date. what we intend to do with our new lover. Kiss goodbye before leaving for a date. Text if a date is going to go past midnight. Condoms for penetrative sex. Shower before coming to bed. Sex or cuddling when we come home from a date with each other.
Two hard boundaries. Examples: no overnights without pre-negotiation. No showers together. No sex if our BBDSMA reveals any STI. No sex in our shared bed. White list. people you are both comfortable with uh for engaging in sexual activities. Blacklist people who you are not comfortable with either person engaging with.
Find a way to sign the agreement indicating that you are both aligned on what has been written down.
Event specific agreements. "Specificity is a crucial ingredient. The more focused and particular a gathering is, the more narrowly it frames itself and the more passion it arouses." - Pria Parker.
You may also find it beneficial to establish agreements tailored to specific events. For instance, if you're attending a play party where many attendees are unfamiliar to you, it's wise to discuss how you will navigate that environment together. These agreements can serve as helpful signposts for how you will interact with one another during the event.
Yucking his yum. Evan and Max were at a festival and expected to have some sexy experiences while there. Yet, they didn't discuss their wildest and mildest or decide on any event specific agreements. In fact, they had never developed agreements for the relationship. On the first night, they were dancing with friends and a new flirtation emerged with someone who was at the festival um whose name was Butterfly. As Evan and Max were dancing and making out with Butterfly, it became obvious to Evan that Max was wanting to move forward into a group play scene. Evan felt uneasy about the vibe and insecure about the relationship. So, he asked Max to have sex with him first. Max was thrown off by the request, thinking that Evan was trying to pull them away from the scene and declined the request. A fight ensued ensued and the scene fell apart.
Exercise: Craft your own event specifics to avoid Max's fate. Evan could have made this agreement ahead of time um ahead of the festival. Here are some examples of agreements you might make for a specific occasion.
We agree to engage in sexual activity with each other first.
We agree to check in with each other every hour or so.
We agree not to engage in penetrative sex with someone we've only met for the first time.
We agree to conclude the evening with our final sexual encounter together.
We agree on whether or not we will or will not interact with specific individuals.
We agree to set boundaries regarding specific sexual acts such as anal sex with others or whether we will take showers or with others people afterwards.
This val this is a valuable opportunity for you both to discuss the meanings behind certain actions and what they signify to each of you. For example, what does it mean to take a shower with someone else? What feelings arrives arise from spending the night with someone after being intimate? It's important to explore any triggers or fears these actions may introduce. Prepare yourself for the reality that entering polyory as a lifestyle choice will require more open communication and that there is no way to prepare for every potential trigger ahead of time. You will find yourself engaging in deeper conversations and processing your feelings before, during, and after dates with other partners.
Regular check-ins. Checking in allows you to address any gaps in the relationship before they become issues. According to psychologists Dr. Nadia Timuan and Dr. Martha Duros Colado, as discussed in an earlier chapter, I highly recommend scheduling a weekly check-in with your primary partner if you have one. During these sessions, cover all aspects of your lives, including physical, professional, financial, sexual, and emotional well-being, as well as what you need from each other in the coming week. My husband and I have been doing this for 10 years, and I truly believe it's the key to our successful marriage. I encourage everyone who is newly inshed to adopt this practice. If you don't already have polyinformed therapists, I suggest finding one and setting aside time to discuss these important topics. Your agreements will change and evolve over time as you navigate different stages of your relationship and move toward individuation, which we'll explore in a future chapter.
Agreements with new partners. "Pay now or pay later with interest." - Michael Strasner.
Establishing agreements with a primary or anchor partner over time is one thing. Navigating the same process with a new partner who may be considered secondary, comet, or lover requires a different approach. So, how do you develop agreements with them?
We never got around to agreements. Following a recent breakup, Charlene realized after the fact that she never established any agreements with DJ. This lack of structure left her feeling incredibly insecure in the relationship. She didn't know what to expect, what was reasonable to ask for, and often felt it was unfair to make any requests at all. This was a partner that she dated for 6 months and with whom she had unprotected sex. While they discussed their RBDSA dynamics during their first sexual encounter, Charlene and DJ never addressed their fears, hopes, or any relationship agreements. As a result, when either of them felt insecure or had a request, they struggled to communicate effectively, and things ended abruptly, dramatically, and painfully. to exacerbate the problem because they didn't have regularly scheduled check-ins. Concerns would arise in the moment, often at inconvenient times for the other person receiving on the receiving end of the request, which ultimately contributed to the breakdown in the relationship. It's all too easy to make mistakes in this process, and Charlene found herself hesitant to bring up agreements, which ultimately contributed to the end of her relationship.
To begin, every new sexual partner should should participate in an RBDSMA uh for health purposes. If nothing else, it's essential to discuss relationship agreements, boundaries, desires, sexual health, and afterare before engaging in any sexual activities. Start with an RBDSMA and revisit it during sub subsequent encounters. As your desire and boundaries are likely to shift from the first date to the second to the third. As you start to encounter relationship zone with someone, focus more on your boundaries and meanings behind them. These boundaries will involve beyond evolve beyond simple topics like whether you're open to anal sex and will begin to encompass how much time you want to commit to dating, whether you feel relationship saturated, and whether you're seeking a casual experience or a serious partnership. A friend of mine suggested that you write down your values and deal breakers and share them with your new partner. See the guidance with self for an example. While this res won't resolve all agreements, it can serve as a great starting point for an initial conversation. Engaging in these discussions will be especially enjoyable when you're experiencing the excitement and new relationship energy of getting to know someone. After about 90 days of dating, I recommend having a more in-depth conversation about the agreements you want to establish. In my experience, discussing agreements in a polyamorous context can be challenging, particularly since the early relationships often feel light and non-exclusive. I found it difficult to impose requirements on others during this phase. However, one surefire way to complicate a secondary relationship is to avoid discussing agreements altogether. I've made this mistake twice, dating one person for 2 and 1/2 years and another for 6 months without ever having a comprehensive agreements conversation even after deciding to become fluid bonded.
Exercise developing secondary agreements. So, how do you get started? Reflect on your wildest and mildest fears and hopes. What are you afraid of? What are you looking forward to? How can you reinforce your hopes while preventing your fears? Discuss how you plan to date other people. What can you expect from each other? How often you'll spend time together? And how you'll navigate group scenarios. What agreements will you have, if any, regarding dating others and checking in with each other? And how will you support one another during moments of insecurity? It's crucial to cover these topics when you're both calm and nervous systems are regulated. If left unressed, these issues can resurface when you feel insecure or v vulnerable. It's far more productive to have these conversations when you're secure than when you're feeling uncertain, and insecurity often leads to reactive behaviors that can harm the relationship. Extend the same respect to your new partners that you've shown to your original partners. Give them the courtesy of having a thoughtful conversation about your agreements.