Are You a Victim of Self-Sabotage? | 2BB Side Piece S3E25

[Music] Look how far we've come. All the things we've done. Did it all with love. Beauty from the bottom up. All I want is you. You're my view. But you. And we are back. Welcome back, you beautiful creatures. We are doing Friday content. Uh, we're going to be recording an article for medium.com. This is going to be a quick episode. Our goal is to be under an hour because we have to go live at 11:00 a.m. Eastern Standard Time today, which is, uh, April 14th, because we are announcing our Greece trip. By the time you guys see this, Greece has been announced. We will be doing Mkos in May of 2026. There are still slots available. If you would like to go to Greece with us, I'd highly recommend you go check that out. You can find the link pretty much everywhere that our links are posted. If you're watching this on YouTube, it'll be in the description of the video. Hopefully, there's still spots available. This is selling like hotcakes. Yeah, we haven't even, we got our pre-release link and sold five of our eight pre-release slots already. So, this will be a hot trip. Oh, yeah. Very excited. I've always wanted to go to Greece and I, I love that we can do it with people who have changed their lives based on the information that we've shared. Yeah. It's also really cool that a lot of the people who went to Thailand are going. Yeah. So that means that we did a good job in Thailand. I love that we, I feel like I've made lifelong friends from that trip from Thailand. And like, I'm still in touch with the people who are going to Greece now. Yeah. I, I can't wait.

All right. So, we're going to be doing one today called, "Who Regrets Divorce the Most? People Who Have Been There Say the Same Thing." Uh, this again comes from medium.com. This is a paid website where people basically write their own little stories. This is probably an opinion piece. I don't really know. But we picked this article because I am writing my second book and my second book is all about divorce and breakup and how you become a better person after it. So, this is a fitting conversation. You know, just jump into it since we're on a time crunch. Yeah, let's do. All right, let's do the thing.

Real life stories of regret after marriage ends. There's an old saying, "Men fear choosing the wrong career. Women fear marrying the wrong guy." Never heard that saying. I've never heard that saying either. All right. But I actually think that I, I think that most men fear marriage. I agree with that. Because they're, they're afraid of losing everything. Yep. These days, it's bad for anyone, men or women, to pick the wrong career. But if you mess up a marriage, there are ways to fix it. If things are terrible, you can just get a divorce. That makes it sound so willy-nilly, doesn't it? It does. Very disposable. I like that she said that there's ways to fix it. Yeah, but you know, you can just get a divorce. It's no big deal. It is a big deal. It is a big deal, especially for men. It, it's a big deal for everyone. I, I only say that, I guess, maybe because of my own cognitive bias. If more women were stay-at-home moms, stay-at-home wives, and they were like traditional relationships, I could see how marriage would be a big risk for both people involved. And I think part of that risk keeps people working on trying to get their marriage fixed, knowing that you can easily just dip out because you're bored or unhappy or whatever the case may be, and you don't have to actually work to try to salvage things. There's not really a reason to, to do it. Especially knowing that nowadays women who have a career just [ __ ] dip out and go get half of a man's [ __ ] like, Yeah. While still getting their own bag, right? Yeah. Right. Yeah. There's a lot, there's a whole ass conversation and all of that. But yeah, spiritually it really messed me up. Yeah. Getting my first divorce.

Continuing, people don't respect marriage as much anymore. It's like divorce is no big deal. It doesn't affect anyone else. So, people just split up if they want to, as long as they're okay with the hassle. But does divorce guarantee happiness? No. Do couples not regret it after? Some do. And who regrets it first? I talked to some divorce people and their answers were surprisingly similar. Okay, so before we read any of these, who do you think is going to, who's, who do you think is going to regret it more? Women. I, I agree with that. Why though? I think that, Right. So, both genders crave acceptance, affection. Praise is not the word, but being valued for who they are and what they can bring to the table. It's really been a big thing on TikTok, seeing women in their late 30s, early 40s thinking that they're going to have the best single life ever, and then a year after a divorce, they regret every decision they've made. Right? I, I don't see that as much from men. That's because men are able to in their 30s, 40s, and 50s are able to find younger women who value what those men are bringing to the table that will treat them different than the woman did. And it's a very different mindset. Yeah. So, and this speaks on the whole like hijacked red pill movement that is very popular with like Fish and Fresh and Fit and the whatever podcast and all of that. And love it or hate those guys, I think what they do is disgusting. Yeah. Um, but some of the points that they make are very valid. Men are in their prime when they can protect, provide, and lead because that's what we bring to the table when we're in our 20s and we're immature and like super mature and we have nothing to really offer you guys. Like, I, there's nothing there. Mhm. Women crave stability. Most men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s [ __ ] have that. Yes. So, at that point in our lives, I do believe that men have more to offer than women who have, you know, I don't want to say been used up, but that's the terminology that they [ __ ] use on this podcast. You have multiple kids, you got a ton of baggage, you got a divorce, you probably got a crazy ex-husband. There's a whole lot of risk there that doesn't add up for men. Not to mention, do you really want to, to get the leftovers? Because that's what you are at, at 30, 40, 50 years old when you've been divorced and you're in the dating pool. You're a leftover. You're somebody that, that failed in your previous marriage that, that wasn't really able to make it work. And you have to find a way to like show your value and you have to heal and do a whole lot of work. And most people aren't doing that [ __ ] Yeah. You, you meet a woman who's like, "Yeah, I've been married three times." Run. Same thing with men. Like, you know, you know what I mean? Yeah. That would, that would not even be on my radar, right? One, one failed marriage I can see coming back from that. Yeah. People can sit down, reflect, and recognize, you know, my ex isn't the only person who messed that up. And there is a redemption arc that can happen in a second marriage. Absolutely. But third, fourth, fifth marriage, I watched a video the other day that this woman was on her eighth husband. That's insane. Yeah. My goodness. Carrie just said that someone, someone in her family's been married seven times. At that point, you're, you're not even, marriage doesn't mean anything. No, you're, you're just looking for something. I think people just don't want to be alone. Yeah. Marriage is not a promise that they're going to be with you forever. No, it's supposed to be. Yeah. But people don't honor. That's like she just said, it's become taboo. It's, it's just one of those things. It's, And I wrote this in my book. I believe that people get married because society expects them to. Yes, after a certain amount of time or certain steps are taken, right? And you look at people who are in their early, early to mid-20s who all go out there and get married, it's because they're having kids or they think that that's what's expected of them because they were high school sweethearts. Like, there's a societal pressure that comes into all of that. And, um, I think that people that do that get married for the wrong reasons like that are going to fail. They're not going to make it because they're doing it just because they were that pressure. Yeah.

All right. So, let's see what these people said. Sarah, 33. Sarah divorced two years ago because her husband cheated. Luckily, they didn't have kids or any property issues. They split up amicably and went their separate ways. Now Sarah is remarried and pregnant. Her, she and her new husband are very happy. Her ex-husband is like a distant memory. Sarah said her ex-husband contacted her after the divorce and wanted to get back together. She said no. He messed up his life and realized Sarah was a good woman who would be a stable partner. But he made a mistake and why should she fix it for him? Why would she wait around for him? He made a mistake and why should she fix it for him? So, that, that statement is a problem for me. I agree with that. Why? Why is it on you to fix it there? Forgiveness is certainly a thing. Hearing somebody out as the reasons to why there's not an excuse for cheating. There certainly are reasons why people do things in their life. Why did you have a kid? Why did you get that job? Why did you move out of state? Why did you cheat? Everyone has their reasons for it. And I think gaining an understanding and recognizing that there was possibly something in the relationship that wasn't filling his cup up. We don't know what the, what it was. She could have been nagging. She could have been withholding sex. I think that that is a better way to look at it than fixing it for him. There, there's nothing for, you can't fix his mistake, right? Well, you can't fix it anyways. It's done. Right. And that's, that was my issue. You can't fix something that's happened. Yeah. This isn't like a broken window. Mhm. Right. He did what he did and you guys have to accept that it happened and then decide whether or not moving forward is what you want. Yes. But if he came back and tried to apologize and tried to make things work, I mean, that's her decision. She didn't want to do that. That's fine. But don't worry, I, I just don't like the the verbiage. I agree with that. This, this if this is going to be one of those things that every one of these divorces are men wanting their ex-wife because their life started to spiral afterwards. That speaks to them marrying man-boys, you know, adult children. That's if you need a woman to, if you need a woman to keep your life in order, you, you, you married your mother. Yes. And but that speaks on, on, you know, the sad state of affairs of what a man is in this world now. You know, if you have a leader, you have a good man that is out there doing the [ __ ] thing and the marriage happens, he's not going to spiral. He's going to thrive. You, you see it all the [ __ ] time. I'm willing to bet now that this is the first one. I'm willing to bet almost all of these are going to be sob stories of men wanting the women back and women being the better thing. I hope not. I bet you it is. We haven't read past the first one. We're still in the first one, but there's the final paragraph of the first. You have to move on. Sarah didn't understand it at first, but she realized that leaving the wrong person was the only way to find real happiness. I agree with that 100%. Yeah, me too. We, and this, so, this speaks back to the societal expectations. We do because it is expected of us to do versus doing it because this is really truly what we want. Yeah. And I think that when it is something that you really truly want and it's something that you're both craving and, and you have the expectations of what, how you're going to live your life and you're willing to work through things and you're willing to have the hard conversations from a place of love and not angst, um, you're going to get a very different outcome. I also think that because Gen Z is doing what they're doing with the way that they're not viewing marriage as like a need-to-do thing anymore. I think the Gen Z marriages will be the ones that last until people are 80, 90 years old because they're doing it because they've, they see the value in a marriage versus it just being what you're supposed to do when you turn 30, you know? Right. Yeah.

John, 40. John's ex-wife wanted a divorce. She had fallen for someone else and was willing to give up everything, including custody of their child. John didn't want a divorce. He wanted to give his ex-wife another chance so their child wouldn't grow up in a broken home, but she was set on leaving. Jon had to get divorced. When his child asked about it, he didn't tell the truth. His ex-wife said he was too boring and didn't make enough money. She wanted a guy who was more worldly and could give her a better life. John wasn't ambitious. He was happy with a wife, a kid, and a cozy home. So, that's important to recognize that. That's success for some people. Yeah. And that's why we've told people over and over again on this podcast, you need to define what success is for you because success for me and success for John may not look like the same thing and that's [ __ ] okay, right? And this is why compatibility matters and finding people that match the same values that you have and the same goals and aspirations [ __ ] matters. Yes. You got to love the person, not the idea of who they can be, who they can be or what, or the fantasy of what they may be able to provide. Yeah. Love the person, not not the, um, the illusion. Yeah, there's a word that starts with a P. Love the person, not the potential. There we go. I also want to touch on the sentence, "John wasn't ambitious." Is that what the wife said? Yeah. Okay. But his ex-wife wanted things he couldn't give her. They had gotten married because of unusual circumstances, and she never loved him anyway. Once the woman makes up her mind, there's no turning back. John tried everything, but he couldn't win her back. They divorced and she disappeared for years. She didn't even come back to see their child. At first, Jon waited for her to change her mind. But after four or five years of no contact, he started dating again. Just when he found someone he liked, his ex-wife came back. She looked like she'd been through a tough few years and had aged a lot. She begged him to give her another chance. She said she was sorry for being so reckless when she was young, and she knew she had messed up. This sudden change left Jon confused. His friends and family told him not to be soft on her, but Jon was torn. She was his child's mother. Would his child be happy if he married someone else? Okay, so there's a whole lot of, of what-ifs in all of this. Yeah. And again, this is an opinion piece, guys. This is not an article written by a doctor. Sometimes we find doctor's written articles on here and that does have a lot of weight to it. This doesn't. This is just somebody asking people questions and blogging about it. She left and came back looking aged means that she went out and partied and got ran through and was trying to reclaim some of her youth and was probably out doing hoes [ __ ] Yeah. And, and that's the reality of it. And then she realized four or five years later that she wasn't able to find somebody that was willing to settle down with her because of the life she was living. Maybe she was past her prime and she was just a fun thing for a little while. Yeah. Or she realized that the people that are in the market that are at that age, most of them are also in the same boat. Yep. So, she came back and then he's an idiot for even questioning that. Oh, yeah. She's been gone for four or five years and you're worried about what your kid thinks of your ex-wife, right? A mother is a title that's given way too easily. Yeah. Just because you give birth does not make you a mother, right? There's action that has to come behind that. Yes. Intent. I have a lot of thoughts about that. Right. As the child, we don't know how old the child was or is. Let's say 14 years old. Child's 14 years old. Mom wants to come back in the life. At 14 years old, I was very angsty. And it would be very hard for me to try and build a relationship with the mother who abandoned me because she wanted to get dick, right? Or, or chase cash or whatever she wanted in her life. We, we hear it all the time. I didn't ask to be here. Yeah. I don't believe that anymore. I don't believe that either. I also think that's a very big pity me statement. A big what statement? Oh, pity me. Pity me statement. Yeah. As John. Yeah. There would not have been, I would have opened my front door, seen her face, and be like, "You look rough." And then closed it. Yep. Rode hard and put away wet. Broke my heart, no contact, no trying to fix this. Did it to the kid, too. Right. And she even said she never loved him. So, what changed? You don't love me. You love what I can give you. That's it. Because men are expected to provide. Yeah, get out of here with that.

Michelle, 36. Michelle and her ex-husband used to be very much in love. They started from nothing and built a good life together. And then the saying, "Money changes a man," proved true. After they became well off, Michelle's husband told her to quit her job at the company and to be a stay-at-home mom. Michelle trusted her husband. She had another baby. They had another baby. I just corrected that. Yeah. But while she was raising the kids, her husband cheated on her. So, I want to pause there. I'm not going to keep reading just yet. I don't believe money is the reason he cheated on her. I don't either. Okay. Let's, so, let's, let's, okay, this is a great, great time to have a conversation. Becoming a stay-at-home life. It's not the hardest job you'll ever do. It's just hard. Your social interactions become significantly less. You latch on to your partner as like your go-to source to the outside world. Most women stop going out. Their social interactions are usually like a Target run or something where they have to go do something and they have got the kids with them because the other person's at work and they don't have a sitter. They're not doing self-care. They're likely not going to the gym. They revolve their life around being a mom, not a wife, but a mom. That's why it says stay-at-home mom, not a stay-at-home wife. When your identity becomes that, it becomes very hard for you to, to connect with other people. Um, and you can even look at this with us with the dogs. Yeah. We, we are, we are currently dog parents. We have two service animals. Well, you've got a service animal. I have one that is just my dumbass dog and I love him to death, but he goes everywhere with me. Yeah. And there's things that we can't do because I don't want to leave the dogs behind. We, we don't want to leave the dogs behind. So, if we wanted to go to the Pacific Northwest and do a meet and greet, we'd have to find a weekend to fly in and out versus going for the entire week because we'd have to drive. And we could absolutely fly out there with the dogs. It's not hard to, to get the paperwork to fly, but we don't want to do that. Yeah, I would feel bad putting them through that, right? So, as simple as that is with dogs, it's imagine how much harder it is with an actual child and how easy it is to make the excuses to not do the thing when the self-care goes, "Well, I'm not going out, so why do I need to get dressed up? I'm not going out. Why do I need to put on makeup? I'm not going out. Why should I dress up? I'm not going out. Why do I need to get my hair and nails done? It's, they're just gonna get ruined. Like, I, I'm, I'm the housekeeper. Like, I, if I get nails, they're gonna get broken." There's a whole lot of conversation that goes into that that is very rarely had when people are like, "I want you to quit your job." Yeah. Bath times aren't a thing anymore. Like, there's, there's a whole lot. And then the man comes home from work and, and is expected to take over the daily duties of the children so that mom can get a break while he's also tired. And that's never spoken about either because people don't have the hard conversations of what is it going to look like when you get off of work. How is the split child time going to look when you get home? Are you going to help with homework while I take a bath? Like, people don't do that. They were like, "You want to quit your job? I can support you." And people are like, "Oh, great. I don't have to [ __ ] work anymore. I love that. Let's go." Yeah. But they don't have the real hard conversations. And if they do have the hard conversations, they only have them once. They don't have them over and over and over again. Finances, kids schooling, religion, all of that [ __ ] People, once they have the conversation, kind of treat it as taboo and don't, don't dive into it. I'm willing to bet that that's what happened there. I'm willing to bet that she let herself go, became a recluse of a human being, by choice because it's easier to just stay home than it is to load the kids up and go to the store, right? Probably lost lots of her friends because she doesn't have a social circle anymore. The, and let them, Mel Robbins says the biggest factor in friendship is proximity. So most affairs happen at work because that's the closest group of people to you. If your best friend lives across the street and then moves the other side of town, you and your best friend are going to have a big falloff. This is all there is to that. Sean has been my best friend for 20, 22 years now. And if we moved to Tennessee, Sean would still be my best friend, but I would only talk to him once or twice a month on Facebook. Yeah. You know what I mean? Unless I came down and be like, "Hey, I'm here. Let's get dinner." I, that friendship would not fall off. We would always be friends, but it would not be the same. It would, it would shift, right? And that's what happens in these situations. Guys, if you're wanting to be a stay-at-home or, or this is a conversation for you, you need to be very in-depth and plan out what's going to happen so that you have a base understanding of what's, what. And you need to have your expectations of what your husband's going to do when they get home or your wife if you're going to be the stay-at-home and what self-care looks like and video game time or bar nights or whatever. Yeah. A lot, a whole lot in that. One of the things that I enjoy about being a stay-at-home that a lot of women don't like is the social aspect of it. Yeah. Going to work. I don't get to choose who I'm around for eight hours. When I'm a stay-at-home, I get to choose who I get to hang out with. I get to set a schedule for myself. I get to pick and choose where I go, what kind of interactions I want to have. It's, it's perspective, I suppose. Y I also make it a point to leave the house. So, it's a choice.

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And so, and then you can also have to factor in the age of your children. Yeah. Because if you're dealing with two under two and, or like an infant and a four-year-old, it's a lot to deal with that. But if you've got an eight and a nine-year-old and you want to go somewhere, you just [ __ ] load them in the car and go, right? They're pretty much going to keep themselves entertained like, you know what I mean? Yeah. So, I had two under two. Mhm. It's hard. Yeah. A lot of park time, right? A lot of like going to, to ponds, looking at ducks and, Yeah, libraries. But you're very okay with sitting out in nature and not doing [ __ ] Oh yeah. But, and so like, but we also understand now that there is a social cup that has to be filled with you and, and for the longest time on the podcast you're like, "I could be a bog witch and get six months of interaction in a day and then go back into the woods." And we know that that's not true. We know that you do need social interactions, but you get, like you said, you get to choose when that is versus being forced to socialize with people. You know how many people go to work and [ __ ] hate their boss or hate their co-workers and are forced to just go, you know, to, to comment on that bog witch, I think I could go a month. Yeah. Yeah. Interact with people for a day or two and then go recluse for like a month. I'm still not super social. People still drain me, especially after I retreat. It's a lot. I don't think you'd go a month. I'd give you two weeks top. Yeah. Yep. Because yesterday you were [ __ ] going through it, antsy as [ __ ] not wanting to be in the house. We did a lot yesterday. Like you were, I think I, I give you two weeks. Two weeks. Yeah. With love. Two weeks with love. Okay. Feel like we need to test this now. Do some, like, I would go crazy documentary or something. Nope. Not me. I also don't think you could go a month without me being in the household. A month without you being in the household? Yeah. Like if I went to, like, a bog witch lifestyle. Oh, no. I'd have to go with you for a month. We'd be miserable together. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I'd be miserable. I'm sure you would because I'd be miserable and I'd ruin it. Yeah. Your complaining does take things down. If you peg mosquitoes, moisture sucks. I'd be feeding the alligators. Name them. And that would be the last, last time anybody ever saw Chris. Oh my goodness. Cuz you'd be feeding the alligators. Why would I feed you to the alligator? Cuz where else are you going to get food? You don't think we're going to go shopping before we go hide out for a month? Oh, see. Well, that doesn't, that doesn't count. That does count. No, that's cheating. I, I don't know how to hunt. All right, let's get back to it.

All right, so I'm going to reread the last sentence because we just talked a lot. She had another baby. I corrected that. They had another baby, but while she was raising the kids, her husband cheated on her. Michelle was devastated. She couldn't stand it, so she decided to get a divorce. They split their assets and each took one child. That's wild to me. Why is that? So, as a mom, John's ex-wife just took off. Gave up custody of the child, didn't see her for years, him for years, the, the baby splitting and then each taking one child. I don't, I just, I can't fathom that. I, I have never envisioned, I know like, I consciously I'm aware that that's a thing that there are just some moms out there who aren't meant to be moms. They've had children for whatever reason, whatever the circumstance was, and I've decided to not be a part of that child's life. And I, I'm not judging that. I'm not [ __ ] on that. That's just, it's hard for me to fathom. Yeah. I think that in a situation where there's two kids and a divorce happens, I think one parent should get each kid and there should be no child support. I couldn't go without seeing the other child. Well, it doesn't mean you can't see them. It just means that the other parent has custody of one of them. You guys could swap weekends. Yeah. You'd still have a relationship. There's ways to make that work. It would just take effort. I agree with the no child support on that.

All right, continuing. After the divorce, Michelle took one of her children and moved to a different city to start over. Later, she found out her ex-husband wasn't doing so well. Through their child, Michelle learned that her ex-husband didn't marry the other woman right away. They just lived together. Her ex-husband wasn't dumb. He cheated just for fun and didn't want anything serious with the other woman. But the other woman just wanted to enjoy life and didn't want any responsibilities. She didn't want to take care of Michelle's ex-husband or his child. They argued a lot over small things. All the woman wanted was money. I believe that. I believe that, too. She didn't even take Michelle's child to the doctor when he was sick. Child had to call Michelle, who then contacted her ex-husband. All right. So, before we move any further than that, like, this, this speaks on a whole different level of why you shouldn't be with people who don't want kids, right? But in the same conversation, that's not that lady's responsibility. If they're just [ __ ] and living together and she's not, she's the girlfriend. She doesn't have to do those things. The mom moved away with the other kid, like moved to a whole another city. Like, you don't even get to be bitter about this at point, at this point. You guys should have stayed in the same town so that you could have done the co-parenting thing together and made that work. Her moving away the way that she did, like, you don't get to be bitter about the fact that any of this is happening. Yeah. But I also think that that dude shouldn't have been with a woman who has an issue with kids. I agree with that. And I also think that that's neglect, leaving that kid sick and not being taken to the doctor when something's wrong. So, dude's a piece of [ __ ] for that. Mhm. Her ex-husband told her he was sorry. He said he shouldn't have thrown away his happiness and wanted her to forgive him, but it was too late. Michelle said that maybe when her youngest child was older, she'd take her oldest son back. Okay. So, right now we're one woman or one man regretting, one woman regretting, and then one man regretting. Mhm. As for her ex-husband, she didn't think she could ever trust him again.

Who regrets divorce first? For most couples, it's the person who messed up who regrets it. They only realize how good things were after they've lost them. But you can't turn back time. What's lost is lost. Even if you get forgiven and get back together, there will always be a crack in the relationship that could break again. So, I added this into my book, and I say this to the children. When you add always or never to your statement, it almost immediately makes it invalid. Why is that? Because you can't say that definitively. Worthy of her forgiveness shows that there's not a crack in that relationship anymore. Worthy of her trust. Worthy of her trust. That's what it was. Worthy of her trust. If anything, their foundation has been reinforced and is stronger. So saying that there will always be a crack in the relationship because somebody makes a mistake is wrong, right? Well, so we know that the foundation of trust when broken will never be the same, but it doesn't mean that it can't be repaired, right? That scar will always be there. If you break your concrete and you have to have it replaced, there's going to be a discoloration. There's going to be something that makes it look different than the rest of the floor. Doesn't mean the foundation's not [ __ ] up, right? Like it could be completely healed. This whole, "For most couples, it's the person who messed up who regrets it. They only realize how good things were, were, uh, how good things were after they lost them." I, I, I got to be honest, I don't know too many men who, who like personally, who go, "Man, I wish I had [ __ ] corrected my behavior." I think that a lot of that happens out of loneliness. I, I don't think that it's a lack of, of, I, I don't believe that it's because they still in love with their person. I think that they love the comfort that that life gave them. And that's not why you should be married. If you, if you only want to go back there because it was easier. Maybe, maybe your ex-wife did all the things that you wanted her to do around the house and you had a maid. Yeah. Or maybe they didn't nag about your video games, but they nagged about your drinking and now all you want to do is play video games cuz you quit drinking. Right. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I just, I don't know. I don't, I don't. I really, You're right. I don't like the definiteness. I don't like speaking indefinite. I think that you're very foolish when you do that. I agree. And I said, "almost," what did I say? "Almost always invalidates it." And I said, "almost," because there are definitive things in our universe. The sun will always rise. Yeah. Hopefully, right? The moon will always be in the sky. The ocean's always going to do its thing.

Continuing, some people take things for granted. They think they can't lose what they have, and even if they do, they'll find something better. But when they finally face the reality, they realize it's not what they thought. Joni Mitchell's song is in my head now. "You don't know what you've got till it's gone." Yeah. So, that, but that speaks on love. Yeah. Right. There's a difference between people being in a relationship and having love for one another and being in love with one another. And if you make a mistake while you're in love and you lose your person, it's a very different breakup or divorce than, than losing somebody that you've been in the roommate phase with for the last eight years, right? And I also think that speaks on the quality of person they, they meet afterwards. Like, if the woman that left, that, that came back looking ragged when she came back, if she would have left and found a man that was willing to treat her the way that she wanted to be treated and provide that life, she'd have never went back to that dude. She'd have never thought about that guy a second chance ever again. Yep. She abandoned her kid and her marriage, it would have been the end of it. Yeah. But when they fa, when they finally face the reality, they realize it's not what they thought. There aren't always better people waiting for you. It's all just wishful thinking. Yep. Some divorced couples regret it because the person who wanted the divorce first regrets it even if they do, even if they didn't do anything wrong. They realize that life is not as good as it was. They think they should have stayed together.

Okay, so let's, before we move any further than that, let's talk about how much, um, how different life is for people when they get married. Okay. Men tend to make more money. They're more likely to get a high-paying career, not a job. Um, they live longer on average, two to three years longer if you're married. Stress and heart disease goes down. Uh, Alzheimer's disease is lessened. There are a whole lot of things. I put all this in my book recently, so these stats are fresh. But there's a whole lot of things that pan into the, what it means to have a marriage and how, how it affects a life of a man. Because those stats have been written about men. I'm willing to bet if I was to Google, you know, women's lives in marriage, how much better their life is. I don't even have to do that. I can tell you right off rip, you know what the difference when you look at an old couple? The woman always looks prim and proper and not beat up and abused. And the man is hunched over, can barely [ __ ] walk, and is on his last leg, right? Because he's worked himself to death to provide that woman a life that's been easy enough for her to stand up straight. That's the [ __ ] difference. They realize that life is not as good as it was, so they think they should have stayed together. These people are usually weak and depended too much on their partners. I agree. I agree. Yeah. But that doesn't negate the fact that people do better as a team than on their own. Right. And in these scenarios of what she's listed, I agree those people were weak and dependent too much on their partners. Yes. I think that you should be leaning on your person. Mhm. Okay. If a marriage isn't completely broken, why get divorced? If you regret divorce because your life is worse now, getting back together might not be better. It could even be worse. I agree. Marriage is complicated. Most people learn as they go, trying to figure out what works. It's hard for two people to come together. It's important to be understanding, supportive, and encouraging. That's how you make things work. If you just do what you want and regret it later, it won't do you any good. Well, I mean, if you just do what you want and regret it later, and you don't, you don't think about the consequences, it's probably going to get you divorced anyways, like the guy that cheated in the earlier part of this. Um, I, I think there's a lot more to this conversation. So, this is the downside of reading these articles off Medium because we don't pre-read them. We just pick one based off the title and read it hoping for the best. And some of these articles are really, really good and some of them aren't. And this is one of those articles that was very lackluster, but we recorded it so it's going to go up. I do think the conversation about the stay-at-home mom was a very valid conversation. And, and I think there needs to be very big discussions about marriage, about what you want out of life, what, what it's going to look like for kids, what college is, is college even a thing, are, do you want your kids to go to a trade school, what your religion looks like, your retirement? All of those things need to be had on regular bases, not just when you first meet. You should be having those conversations constantly. Our, our five-year plan over the last three years has changed so many times that I, I can't even tell you. Right. Yeah. Our five-year plan is just kind of up in the air now. We know what we want to do next month. Yeah. And, and that's enough for us right now because we are doing things to get to the point where we can make the decisions for the five-year plan, but we're also pretty happy with our life. Yeah. You, you know what I mean? And that's the difference. We are, we're not living for the moment. We are absolutely planning for a future. Yeah. But what that future looks like is not really super important to us right now because we're living today. Mhm.

I thought about this yesterday while we were driving, um, to that crystal store in Fort Myers. We were driving down 75 and I was like, "Man, I [ __ ] hate this drive." And then I heard, uh, Sill's voice say that the shaman told us at the ceremony that every time you do something, it's the first time you've done something because no two moments are the same. Yeah. So like, I'm like, "Okay, so I've made this drive probably 200 times." Yeah. What's new? Oh, there's a piece of debris on the road. Oh, that tree's knocked over. Oh, look, there's an alligator. Right. And now I'm seeing my surrounding versus just zoning out while driving. Yeah. And it changed my, um, perspective of the day, right? Like, it started making the day more enjoyable. We had a really good day yesterday. Yeah. I, I think a lot of that comes down to understanding that every fight you have isn't the same fight you've had. If you, if you're having the same fights over and over again, it's because things aren't getting resolved. Yes. Yeah. You're not listening or you're, you're not able to understand or maybe you just don't agree. And all of that's okay. But if you did the work to find out how compatible you were with your person before you got married, that wouldn't be a problem.

So, because this is only 40 minutes before edits, what we're going to do is we're going to go ahead and put a kibosh on this. We're going to stop all the equipment. We have to go live in 10 minutes on YouTube. Um, but then we're going to pop back in and we're going to finish doing another one of these so that this is a full long episode and it works to give you guys a little bit more content. We'll see you guys shortly.

Hey guys, little quick interruption. If you're enjoying the content, please leave a like and also don't forget to comment. We enjoy interacting with you guys and hearing your opinions and it helps the algorithm. It's also free to do and if you really want to help make sure the show continues to do, hit the subscribe button and share the content across your social medias. It costs you nothing and it greatly helps the show.

All right, guys. So, it has been a couple of days since we were here last doing any type of recording. It's actually been like a week. Uh, we've had crazy things life happening and, uh, we are getting ready for another retreat. We have Costa Rica coming up in less than a month at this point. We announced the Greece trip. Like, there's been so much. Look at you just shimmying over there. You're

Excited. Our life is insane. It's amazing. And I am really stoked. I'm really excited for what I'm going to get away from this upcoming weekend. I have some things in my soul that I really need to work through, and I'm I'm have high hopes that she'll be able to, okay, to guide me. I want to have a conversation about all that.

Okay, let's save that for the live stream so that they can be involved. Okay, because we are not currently recording live in front of our Patreon audience. We are doing this just to get extra content because we're going to be gone so much for the next couple months. Uh, this episode or this medium article is by our favorite doctor on here, Annie Tanzagurin. Tanzagn Tan, what's that chick's name from Game of Thrones? Targaryen. Yeah. I don't know. This lady's actually an actual PhD, though. She's got PhD after her name, so I'm assuming she's a real doctor. She's got credentials. Yep.

So, this says, "Why you may sabotage yourself when things are going wrong, how unhealed when things are going well." Going well, I'm sorry. And how unhealed trauma plays a key role in self-defeating behavior. Oo. Okay, before we even jump into it, I'm going to take a, I'm going to shoot a dart in the darkness. It has to do with the nervous system becoming so accustomed to chaos that when there is calm, your body doesn't know how to react and facilitate that chaos so you can feel comfortable again. I covered something like that in my book. Yeah. Yeah. I'm almost done. I have two chapters left to write. Yeah. I'm going to do an August release date. Okay. Let me pick a pick a date right now while we're while we're recording. I have started and rewrote chapter two four times now and I got frustrated with it and had to walk away. I'm going to I'm going to drop it on August 15th. Oh, that's a good Friday. 8:15. Okay. So, my new book does not have a name yet. Will drop 8:15 of this year. I don't know what I'm gonna call it yet. Okay. I think it'll come to you. I think it's going to be, I'm Not Broken. Something something along those lines. I don't know. Or you're not broken. Should be you're not broken because it's not me reading about me. It's me writing about you, like the reader. So, you are not broken. All right. Let's do the thing.

Okay. We have probably all heard of the term self-sabotage. And many of us have likely engaged in self-defeating behavior at one time or another in our lives. For example, just as things seem to be taking off in your life and were going well, you may have thrown a wrench into the works and picked a fight with someone that you love or made an impulsive decision to quit your job. Then you may have sat back and felt victimized because the person you love started distancing themselves or the promotion you were up for is now going to your coworker. On one hand, this kind of self-sabotage behavior places you at a disadvantage and can victimize you. Yet on the other hand, this kind of behavior is what can make you the villain in your own life.

Okay, so let's let's talk about that for a second because that's one of those things that if somebody gets a promotion and you don't, or uh, the other thing was that you may have been set set back and felt victimized because your person you loved that you loved started distancing themselves. This is an opportunity for you to talk to people and get feedback. Collect data and start adjusting your life. If your boss brings somebody else in for a promotion after the promotion's going back, be like, "Hey, I understand I got passed up. I'm not salty about it. I would like to know what I need to work on because in the future, I would like to be considered for the promotion. So, what are my weak points?" If you go in there and be like, "I can't [ __ ] believe you hired this [ __ ] I've been here for seven years, right?" That's why you didn't get hired. That's why you didn't get the promotion. Like, let's work on our communication skills. Let's go in here and try to diffuse a nuclear war and [ __ ] get our [ __ ] figured out. It's not hard. It might be hard when you first try to do it because it feels like foreign territory to you, especially if it's never been made of an example of. I Yeah, I agree. But once you start getting into it, it's the easiest thing ever. Yeah, it it really does become second nature. This really does come down to the way that you're you're brought up. Yeah. And there's a whole lot of self-entitlement there. Just you think that just because you've been at a job for a long time that you deserve something. You you're selling your time. If you're not going above and beyond selling your time, why would they give you more responsibility or higher pay, right? Yeah. You're not proving yourself to be more of an asset beyond what you are already doing. What's the point? Right. Right. Not everybody's meant to lead though. Some people are very happy being worker bees. And that's okay.

Y when it comes to self-sabotaging behavior, most people are not out there consciously trying to hurt themselves. Instead, there is often a pattern that resonates within a self-defeating cycle. The cycle usually begins when you experience something good happening in your life, such as being up for the promotion, preparing for your college graduation, or finally experiencing a relationship with a romantic partner that shows healthy and emotionally mature investment. The two common themes here are A, the patterns tend to surround significant experiences in your life, and B, there is a high-stakes situation that means something significant to you emotionally.

One of the most common forms of self-sabotaging behavior is seen in our intimate relationships, specifically with a romantic partner. After any initial happiness or excitement wears off, there is an emotional shift that can start to happen. It may be slow at first, like a fleeting thought. Do they really care about me? Or is this just wishful thinking on my part? These self-doubts plant another seed that leads to fear consuming any happiness you may have left. Before long, you can start convincing yourself that they are going to abandon you anyway or that they weren't the right person for you. One of the deepest wounds surrounding self-sabotaging behavior is a toxic misbelief that anything good that you have rightfully achieved or received will be taken away from you. That comes from abuse, too. Yeah. For me, I think that started with love. Well, I mean, that makes sense because your love was withheld as a punishment, you know? But that's exactly what it is. You get any any type of manipulator, any type of parent that will dangle something over your head like a carrot, get you to perform or the moment that you do something that disappoints them, they just strip everything away from you. Like there are certain aspects of grounding that I think make sense, right? Like taking a TV out of the room. Like that's totally fair. It's not your TV, it's mine, right? But Christmas gifts and birthday gifts and all of those things, like I don't know. I have a hard time with that because it's theirs. Like that was a gift that was bought for them. It's not a high-end item, you know? Little man plays with straws and coat hangers. Yeah. So, like I could take a straw or a coat hanger straw and they're my coat hangers, right? Like that's how I view that. But like his big dinosaurs and [ __ ] we don't ever take any of the stuff from him because it was always big gifts. Like those are his. Um and I think that we we learn that our house is our home and that the things that we own are ours until somebody takes it. And when you're little and powerless and can't stop them from taking it, now you have that fear of somebody's going to take this from me, right? Somebody bigger than me, somebody with more authority. Yeah. I wonder if that's why dogs start to resource guard that fear of somebody taking it. Oh, that's a good question. I just had a thought of is is that why Bane does what he does? But no, we don't really ever take anything away from him, right? But that doesn't mean that the litter that he was born in that didn't have a more aggressive dog that would take everything cuz he's a he's a goober. He's a big loving goober. But he absolutely does take her bone from her. Whenever she walks away from it or he sees that she's got it, he'll go take it. He will. And it's not an aggressive thing. He does it because he wants to have all of the things. He wants to have all. He collects them. I know he does. Like a dragon with coins. Start calling him Smaug. I love that our dogs have nicknames. I promise I'm going to get back into the article right after this. I call Ivy like sweet girl, sweetheart, baby, and he's dupy boy and Bubba and Bubba and sometimes dumbass. Yeah, he is that. But it's said with love. It is very much said with love. I call him a dummy quite a bit. Yeah. My mom had a a little Yorkie, maybe three pound dog, and I started calling her little [ __ ] instead of her name was Lily, and she started responding to little [ __ ] but it was said in a very loving way, and she would get excited about it.

All right, now we're getting back into the article. Hence, the misbelief is rooted in fears of feeling unworthy and not good enough. Self-sabotaging behavior is double-edged. It's not just about hurting yourself when something positive is happening in your life, but also about continuing to hurt yourself when something bad is already happening. For example, a common theme for many with a history of self-defeating behavior is to stay in a toxic relationship that has overstayed its welcome. If this resonates with you, you may notice that you have made excuses for their behavior, their infidelity, poor treatment towards you, or other toxic patterns that replayed in the relationship. It is common for us to even go as far as blaming ourselves for their poor behavior. We stay because we are stuck on their potential and stuck on the hope that they will get their life together and see our value and worth. We stay out of fear. These fears consume us in believing we will not find happiness elsewhere or that this is as good as things will get. "I can't leave. This is all there is for me" becomes the mantra.

It sounds like such a self-defeated thing to say. I would rather be alone than be with somebody who makes me miserable. 100%. Right. I can be alone and miserable on my own. Why would I want to deal with somebody else's [ __ ] while I'm being miserable? Right? Like people in your life are supposed to add value to it. 100%. Speaking on my old mindset, my my defeated me, my broken me, the self-sabotaging me. It was scary to be alone. The thought of coming home and not having somebody there, even if they were treating me like [ __ ] at least I wasn't living life by myself. I also clung to other people's company and their thoughts of me. I Okay, let me rephrase that. I derived my self-worth from the people around me. So if there was nobody else there, I am the only person who's feeding into myself and I was not a good well to be drinking from. So the toxic the people that I had in my life were very much, "You're a piece of [ __ ] but I'm the only person that's going to love you for what you are." So it was a it was a very poor give and take of the positive and the negative. There was a lot more negative than the positive, but I was so used to getting the scraps of life that that positive was good enough for me. Right. You accepted it, right? You you know that when people go through the breakup, there's like phases if they stay alone long enough. And it starts with like the obsessively cleaning. Yeah. Finding makeshift work to do just to keep yourself busy, to not try to like reach out to your ex or whatever, not think about the relationship, right? Uh then the accountability starts to set in. You start to realize like these are the things that I did wrong, these are the things that they did wrong. And then eventually it's like risky business. Yeah. You just turn your [ __ ] radio on, put your sunglasses on, and slide across the floor in your underwear, and you have the greatest night of your life because it's your [ __ ] apartment. It's your house. You can listen to what you want to listen to. You can dance the way you want to dance. You don't have to get dressed if you don't want to. You can eat raviolis out of a can. Like, do whatever the [ __ ] you want to do. It's your house. And then there's a freedom in that. And that freedom is huge. And it becomes addicting. Like there's there's a very real fear for people who have been single for a long time about never actually getting into another long-term relationship because they've come so accustomed to having the things that make them happy that they don't want to give that up to to share a life with somebody. And that's why you need to have the conversations of what it looks like to live with somebody. Mhm.

I want to elaborate a little bit more on that. You came home the other day and the children were painting and I was cleaning or cooking. I was doing something and on our TV was plastered just this picture of a crystal and like sound baths and frequencies and whatnot. I that that is part of my happiness and that is something that I was not willing to suppress, right? Like if you wanted to come home and watch something, you have you have your own computer set up. You got nice headphones, noise canceling, right? And I've been taking advantage of them. I knocked out three chapters of my book yesterday with [ __ ] headphones on. Yeah. And the kids were being rambunctious. I didn't hear any of Our son got in trouble. Stood in the corner. Didn't even know that happened. Yep. Them. That was worth every bit of that $400. And I bought those for travel, right? I had no idea that they would take such precedent in our home. Like I I don't like the in the earbud things. I hate them. Um which is why I don't use the AirPods. Those bows go over. They're comfortable. They do make my ears sweat, but like I can't hear [ __ ] Mhm. Game on. Yeah. Being productive as [ __ ] The chaos going on. Yeah. Yesterday was dope. Continuing. What are you smiling about? You're over there protective as [ __ ] Doing your little flirty like look at me. I know you like it when I'm productive. I do. I think it's really hot. Yeah. Yeah. I I have been with the couch potato. Yeah. The the gaming for 10 hours a day and then getting upset when I ask if we can leave the house. God forbid I want you to spend time with me or work on something that's been broken for the last six months. Yeah, I yesterday was productive as [ __ ] You're not wrong. We walked the dogs. I trained Bane twice. Ran Ivy and Bane later in the day. Wrote three chapters on a book. You recorded with Troy. Uh I played video games for 2 hours and still stayed up until [ __ ] 1:00 in the morning working. That's insane. Yep. I fell asleep on the couch. I know. It was okay. We turned the TV off, put my headphones on. [ __ ] went Oh, no. I put it on the TV. It was background noise while I was doing my thing. I was out. I was so tired yesterday. The weeks that we have the kids are definitely early bedtimes for me. Well, it works because it lets me sleep till 7:00 or 8:00 in the morning. So, getting up at 5:00 or 6:00 with the dogs. I love our life setup. Every other week I get to sleep in and you get to sleep in. And by the end of that week, boy, I'm like, "Come the [ __ ] on. Just let me sleep in." Yep. I appreciate that you sacrificed that for me, though. Yeah. It's not a big deal. Who cares? Yeah. Waking up 5:30, 6:00 in the morning. Just take a nap. Yeah. Get a little nap time in the car or something. I've fallen asleep while editing, too. I have. I know. I Twitch and smack the keyboard like, "Oh, [ __ ] I was totally sleeping."

All right, let's get back to this. All right, back into it. On the flip side, with many histories of self-sabotaging behavior will jump ship when things are actually going well in their lives. They may quit college a semester before they are due to graduate. That sucks. A semester before they're due to graduate. Isn't a semester like 6 weeks? I have no idea. Seventh grade education. 15 to 7 weeks. 15 to 7. 15 to 17 weeks. Oh, okay. I may have said seven. Um I didn't realize they were going to start talking to me and I panicked for a second. So what? 4 8 12. That's a little over 3 months. 3 months in the grand scheme of the maybe 80 plus years that you're going to live. My goodness. I couldn't imagine. That would break my heart to hear that somebody quit. I couldn't imagine getting that close and then stopping. Yeah. Like it's like that um that Bad Water Basin race that we watched with David Gogggins. Like could you imagine getting within sight of the finish line and quitting? I'm a [ __ ] belly crawl. Oh god. Yeah. If I have to I I'm going to cross that finish line with scratch and cuts. I'm bleeding. I don't give a [ __ ] what it is. I'm going I'm going 100%. I didn't suffer for this long, right? Just to give up when I can see the finish line. Not doing it. I'm I'm going to catch my 32nd wind. You You've heard of the second wind people get when running and whatnot. This is going to be my 32nd one. Yeah.

All right. So, they quit a semester before they're due to graduate, may impulsively move to a new city without a game plan, or may convince themselves that a healthy relationship they are deserving of is limited. For example, if you drop out of college right before graduating, you may be ruminating on the what-ifs. What if the school places a hold on your degree? What if you fail in a difficult class? Or what if a degree audit says you have more classes to take? Similarly. What a strange word. I hate that [ __ ] word. Similarly. Similarly. That's right. I just I can't say it while looking at it. I'm overthinking it now. Like I feel like glue is never pronounced right. And now you're stuck on that word. Okay, moving on. Impulsively moving without a solid plan of action can also set you up for failure along with leaving a healthy relationship where your partner is showing commitment. We leave out of fear. These fears consume us with thoughts of being abandoned, rejected, rejected, or singled out. "Leave first before I get left behind" becomes your mantra.

The self-doubt spiral. Oh gosh, I am all too familiar with the spiral. Spirals, not just a self-doubt spiral. The multitude of spirals that come with borderline personality. Since our last retreat, though, I have not spiraled. Yeah. I haven't had a real episode since we did the mushrooms 3 years ago. Yeah. Like I I have had I've had moments where my my borderline's there, but it doesn't it's not not the same anymore. So, and I'm glad that I love that for you. Maybe that was the neuropathways healing in your brain that you felt. Yeah.

When self-doubt surfaces, it triggers self-defeating behavior. Self-doubt will either keep you stuck in a situation that is toxic to your happiness, or it can have you sabotaging a situation that is healthy and is actually bringing you happiness. When self-doubt is in the driver's seat, we try to convince ourselves that things aren't so bad, which keeps us staying in a bad situation, or that things aren't as good as they appear, which has us abandoning a healthy situation.

Scroll back up just a little bit because there's something that I want to touch on. When self-doubt is in the driver's seat. Yesterday when I was interviewing Troy, and this is actually a part of my book, I said, "I do not want to be a backseat passenger of my own life." And by that, I mean, I don't want self-doubt in the driver's seat. I don't want abandonment in the driver's seat. I don't want anxiety or my depression or the wealth of other negative things that I could be experiencing that is causing me to not want to live my life, not do my hobbies, not spend time with my husband or go play outside with the kids. Yesterday, our daughter and I sat on the patio for 20 minutes just looking at birds and listening to the wind chimes. Not really even talking, just sitting with each other. People don't really do that anymore. Now we're too busy looking for the next distraction. Yeah. Yet the thoughts you experience in moments of self-doubt are surface level and superficial. Many times what you are really saying to yourself is much more destructive and hurtful. You convince yourself to back away from someone you love because you don't believe you deserve happiness. So you question their motives as validation to leave first. You test them. You push the envelope with boundaries to see if they run or if they are still professing their love for you. My food's here. All right. This is This out pretty well. I'm going to actually take this moment. Whoever is editing this, Dang it. I'm plugging my women's groups. If that's something you ladies are interested in, check it out. Men, if your women need a support system and they're too stubborn to leave the house, I have ladies groups. I have a top tier women's group called Sacred Sisterhood. I also have a lower tier women's group called Women's Thrive. Women in the groups absolutely love it. There's so much benefit for them out of it. There are weekly challenges, money monthly, mini challenges, group calls, book prescriptions, dedicated chats for problem solving, and so much more. Thank you guys for taking the time to look at it.

Jumping back in. So, you question their motives as validation to leave first. Just read that. You test them. You push the envelope with boundaries to see if they run or if they still profess their love. Ultimately, when you see happiness as a trap and as something that will inevitably lead to more pain, you end up setting the stage to ensure pain happens. Or you convince yourself to stay in a situation where you are being mistreated and are not loved because you don't believe you are worthy of love or happiness. So, you question if you aren't the problem. You ruminate on things you may have said or done as validation that you caused the relationship issues. You punish yourself. Ultimately, when you see happiness as a trap, your self-defeating thoughts that you are unworthy of happiness eventually lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotaging it.

When you engage in self-sabotaging behavior, it's often because you've been conditioned earlier in your life to wrongly believe that vulnerability leads to pain. You learn to expect pain when feeling anything that could be expected as positive, experienced. Oh, experienced. That I mean, that's not early in life. That for men, we know that vulnerability leads to pain. It took me years before I was able to cry in front of you. Like it did. There's there's like we we made it. We had a TikTok. We You know what? I'm not going to get that. We've talked about that a lot on the podcast. So, we'll just move right on. Okay.

The correlation between trauma and self-sabotage. If we have experienced abuse or neglect in our formative years, meaning childhood, these adverse experiences can condition us to believe that we are unworthy of anything but more abuse or neglect. The fear of being vulnerable, of putting ourselves out there, be it a new relationship, a friend, a family member, a job, or another type of achievement such as receiving a degree, can be paralyzing. We believe we are protecting ourselves by pushing away, shutting down, or tapping out. When in reality we are setting ourselves up for more disappointment because it feels comfortable and familiar. I still have a hard time with friendship. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? I I don't want to be open. I do I do want to be open. There is a fear there for me though. There has always been a fear of they're going to gossip about me. They're going to talk [ __ ] about me. That that was a a theme not just in my friendships growing up. That was a family thing. There was not a single person I could go to in my family to confide in. I I just always knew that everyone's going to know about this by the end of the week, right? There is that self-preservation that happens because if I if I don't feel safe talking to anybody, I might as well just bottle it. And then there is now that that fear of do they genuinely want to be my friend or are they just using me to get access to the platform, right? Which is a real concern. Yeah. That that what do they want from me has been a real thing for me for a very long time, which is why I keep everybody at a distance until I determine whether or not I want a friendship with them. Right. Right. Because I think at that point it doesn't matter what they want. Like if I'm pursuing the friendship because I want to be around them or I want to be their friend. If they only wanted the platform, I was the one that was chasing the friendship. Right. So, and I am all, don't get me wrong, I'm down to do business. Yeah. But just call it. That's what it is, right? Just just be upfront with me. Don't fake friendship because you think it's going to get you closer to me and more access to what we have going on. We have a platform to share everybody's stories. This podcast is not just about my husband and I and our life and the things we've gone through. We give a voice to people who are scared to speak for themselves. So, I am 100% down to share this with people. Just don't lie to me about it. Don't don't try to fake something and get my hopes up that I'm actually being understood by another human being and this person cares about me and loves me for who I am when in reality it's just a leg up for them. Yep.

Continuing, the truth is it's not the fears associated with success or failure, but it's the fears associated with authentic happiness that lead to self-sabotaging behavior. For anyone who grew up being neglected, not showed consistent love, safety, or support, were told that they were worthless, a mistake, or were physically abused, these wounds often become a permanent fixture in their mind. Happiness on whatever level it may represent means that we have to face our past pain. It means we have to face the chaos we have been conditioned to live in, the emotional scars we have buried and learned to ignore, and the patterns that have been shaped by these past experiences. As counterintuitive as it sounds, for many, self-sabotaging is associated with self-protection. It becomes a defense mechanism rooted in protecting ourselves from the dangers of emotional happiness because happiness can trigger feelings of inferiority, impostor syndrome, or not feeling good enough for positive experiences in your life. The irony is that while self-defeating behavior serves as a momentary coping strategy against fears associated with happiness, it actually reinforces the misbeliefs about yourself and others that you are trying to avoid. Yet, it's often not so much about fearing happiness per se as much as it is about fearing what happens, the vulnerability that comes with it. When you experience genuine happiness, the first thing many with histories of self-sabotage start to ruminate on is that it can be taken away from them at any moment. It becomes safer to avoid happiness at all costs. With unresolved emotional wounding, happiness can feel dangerous where your vulnerable emotions and feelings can be exposed to others who can use them against you or pull the rug out from under you. And while this would suggest more about their character as being incredibly toxic and narcissistic, it can feel easier in the moment to pull the rug out from under yourself. This links to our emotional wounding becoming clearer when we recognize that love, validation, attention, safety, and acceptance may not have always been freely given in our childhood. Instead, it may have been seen as conditional and something that may have to be earned. Now, we may believe that our adult happiness will inevitably be linked to more jumping through hoops to prove our value and worth. For anyone who was raised in such a toxic and unloving environment, love and happiness can feel like anomalies. We have learned to keep them just out of reach by pushing ourselves away.

I want to touch on, can you scroll up just a little bit? Love, validation, attention, safety, and acceptance may not have been given freely in our childhood. It is really hard for some people to look back on their childhood and think that their parent didn't do the best that they could in the moment. Right? Of course, this is everyone's first time living life and every day is a new opportunity to learn something, to learn to do something different, handle something different, respond instead of react, whatever, whatever, whatever. As children, with our brains developing, our parents are superheroes. Even if they are mistreating us to a certain extent, right? Once we come into our adolescence and our brains are developing more and we have more consciousness about us and we are able to differentiate between that doesn't feel right. We don't treat people like that. Those kinds of things. There is a a conflicting war in the brain of well that's mom, that's dad. They should love me because they're my parent. And it's hard to see your parents as just humans when you're able to take a step back from your own life. I had a conversation about this in my top tier women's group, the Sacred Sisterhood. Once you're able to be a a background character in your life, you're able to see your life from a third person perspective, you can see that your parents are just human beings who have made mistakes. We say all the time, all children deserve a parent, but not all parents deserve children, right? And once you're able to see that within your own childhood, it's easier to digest. I wasn't the problem as a six-year-old. I wasn't the issue at 9 years old. I didn't deserve to be beat because I dropped a glass of water. Right? Those kinds of things.

Breaking the cycle of self-sabotage is a journey that can feel both excruciating and empowering. It's about rising up and overcoming years of negative conditioning that had you fooled in believing you are not worthy of happiness in your life. It's about reassessing your choices in relationships over the years and how many of them, family, friends, co-workers, and partners have resonated with a lack, a deficiency, or a repeat of self-defeating behavior that reinforced your emotional wounding. And it's about learning to challenge yourself and to teach yourself to start believing that happiness and the vulnerabilities that identify with it cannot be taken from you unless you willingly hand them over by sabotaging yourself. Overcoming self-sabotage is not just about how it has affected your behavior, but how the cycle has affected your emotional world and your ability to feel and express happiness without the inevitable fear that it will be taken from you. When you learn to recognize the patterns within the cycle, you are no longer scared that the rug will be pulled out from under you. And when you learn to sit with your vulnerability long enough to genuinely feel love or joy, self-sabotaging starts losing its hold on you in your life. Healing does not happen by avoiding happiness, but by learning how to embrace it. When you learn how to accept love and to freely give love without the misbeliefs that will be taken from you, you free yourself from the binds of self-sabotaging. No, these don't happen overnight. If you think about it, you didn't learn how to sabotage your happiness overnight. So, you can't realistically expect to vulnerably embrace happiness overnight either.

Was a good a good way to end that article. Yeah. Um, th this whole thing comes down to learning to love yourself, guys. If you can't love you, nobody else is going to either. And like like we've talked about with the negative self-talk. The more you put it out there that you don't love yourself, the more those around you are going to see it. You're giving them permission to treat you like [ __ ] Yes. So, start doing daily affirmations. Go [ __ ] look yourself in the mirror every day and give yourself five qualities about you that you like. And maybe give yourself one that you don't like, but lie to yourself, right? Like maybe you can turn a flaw into something that makes you you proud. I I don't know. But the affirmations need to happen. You need to learn to love yourselves. You can either stand your ground or be the ground that they walk on. That's it. And it's a choice. Mhm.

I want to touch on something from the Let Them Theory. Okay. And then we can we can wrap up. Do your thing. Mel Robbins wrote the book The Let Them Theory. And that book has been very impactful for myself. And somewhere in that book, I can't remember which chapter, she talks about doing things for people because you want to do it for yourself. It makes you feel good to be a helpful person, to be generous, to be loving, to go out of your way to help somebody in need, right? You're willing to disrupt your own day, your own schedule, because it makes you feel good to be that person in somebody else's life who can help them. Not because you're obligated to, not because it's expected of you, not because they harassed you or pushed you over the edge or made you feel like you had to do it or there was going to be a negative repercussion for it. And I felt like that was a very impactful thing from that book. And reading that little last wrap-up, the afterthought of the article triggered that thought in me. That Let Them book is a good one. Definitely a lot of good information in that. Yep.

So, all right guys, as always, remember you are the author of your own life. So, grab a pen and we will see you on the next one. Bye guys.