Transcription
[Music] Let's go to Dalton in Austin. Hey Dalton, what's up, dude?
Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
I'm good, brother. What's up?
Well, not much. Um, so my wife and I are starting to miscommunicate more, and I want to know, how do I take steps to improve our conversations and end the unnecessary fighting? Or maybe better than why is it happening? Tell me more about it.
How long have y'all been married?
Uh, almost a year. We're coming up on our one-year anniversary.
Okay. Um, what are y'all fighting about?
Well, I, I would say they're big fights over very little things, like incredibly nuanced, inconsequential, non-important things. I would say this never used to happen in all the two and a half years that we dated.
Man, none of that matters anymore.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, totally argue. Yeah, we argue over the little thing itself, and then we argue about how we just argued, trying to decide what went wrong and where there was a miscommunication and trying to solve the problem. And it just leads to a lot of hurt feelings in the end because someone has to be right, someone must be wrong. And my concern is that these have been increasing in number in the last month. And so when I asked my wife when she thinks they started, she told me I've been doing something maybe wrong or insensitive or situation-worthy that could lead to the situation almost every other day for the last seven months, and that she's only just recently started bringing it to light, or she ignores it or brushes it off normally. And that scares the heck out of me because I don't want to be consistently putting my wife in a situation where, you know, she feels on edge or where we are about to fight. And I just don't know. You know, it's, it's like I've created an unsafe environment for her.
Well, maybe, maybe, maybe. Um, maybe what's the things? What is she saying that you do that creates an unsafe environment?
Well, she hasn't said those words exactly. That's me being concerned.
Okay. I can give an example of a little thing.
Give me an example. What's the thing that she said you've been doing for seven months that makes it, um, that drives her crazy?
Um, well, the thing itself that I've been doing is, I guess, just, uh, like potentially or starting small little fights without knowing it. Um, it's kind of hard to pinpoint.
Can I just give my example?
Yeah, sure.
So, I wanted to leave for a movie at a certain time. We were hanging out with my family, and so everyone was leaving a little bit later than we had planned, uh, five to ten minutes later. When everyone was getting ready to leave, she wanted to run back in and look for a sweater. She was going to be cold, which would have made us even later. I was a little annoyed and told her about it. So we discussed, we tried to figure out whether I was wrong for rushing her when we were already late, or whether she was wrong, potentially making us slightly later. While we resolved that part of the argument fairly quickly, we then started talking about why we miscommunicated. She felt I wasn't listening to her. I felt she wasn't listening to me. And so I got frustrated and raised my voice, which I rarely do. After that discussion ends, we were both left, you know, kind of hurt and feeling like, man, we never used to fight like this. There was no true resolution. You know, she was upset because I didn't handle the situation perfectly. I'm upset because I didn't handle the situation perfectly, and she was hurt by it. And so something incredibly inconsequential about whether we were going to be late for a movie, which, by the way, we had planned to leave so early that we were going to catch the previews before the previews, you know, like we weren't even going to be late to the movie. That didn't matter at all.
Then why'd you start a fight?
I wasn't trying to. That's not what I asked. It's not what I asked. Why'd you start a fight? I brought it up because there is a pattern of my wife making us slightly late for things or leaving slightly later than I would like to. And so that's the only reason I brought it up. But my intention was never to—
Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Okay, hold on a second. This has nothing to do with the time. Of course, this has to do with power and the way you use words. Um, I didn't do it perfectly, or she's gotta have it. It's very much like talking to an annoyed parent. And there's something about her that you married. I mean, let me just ask you, is she a capable adult?
Yes.
She's incredibly. Does she have a job?
She does.
Does she do well at the job, or is she always getting in trouble about the job? You see what I'm saying? Like, she, she excels. She's incredible. So what is it about her that you feel the need to parent her or to make her her 2.0 or to improve some things?
I really don't think I feel that need, Dr. John.
But that's what you do. So where's that coming from?
It's my desire to, I guess, fix problems as I see them within the relationship. And if I'm the one that sees the problem, I, I think, oh, I need to take the step to bring it up so we can address it, so we can resolve it, so we can move on.
Okay. So let's, let's, let's take that exact thing. When you want to fix a problem, you look externally towards the problem, right? And the problem is her and her timeliness. And by the way, this is a super common first-year, second-year marriage thing. So I want you to think, y'all are crazy, your marriage is over. It's none of that, right? It is going to take you not being arrogant, and you being, taking a knee. Okay, here's what I mean. You want to go to fix a problem, and then she is the problem because she's late and she repeatedly makes you slightly late. That's not the problem. The problem is either you like being in control. The problem is like, you like the appearance of, we are all, we have it together, and so we're always on time. Another one is this: I was always late to church, always, always. And my wife would say, "Let's go, let's go." And I was like, and finally, one day she said this. She said, "John, I feel completely exposed when I walk into our small little church and everyone turns to see who's walking in late. I feel exposed and embarrassed, and I don't like everybody looking at me. And when you're late, you force me into a position of this." So the problem was her. And she was saying, "I'm addressing this now, so I'm gonna start taking my own car without you, or you can be a part." You see what I'm saying? And I have not been late since because I'll be damned if I'm gonna embarrass my wife. See what I'm saying? And so you ending up late, ending up late, ending up late is not about ending up late. It's about you having the courage to tell your wife, "Hey, when we're late to things, I feel," fill in the blank. That's making the problem about you, not about her. She is not a thing you can fix like an engine. That's why I'm using language like trying to make her 2.0, like upgrade version of herself. You can't fix her. You can communicate and say, "Hey, this is how this makes me feel." And she can say, "Hey, when I'm gonna be cold, I'd rather be three minutes late than cold for two hours." Right. Right. That is different than, "Well, you did this." Right. So she's got some culpability here too. Also, it probably, well, I just say my, when I found out that I've been doing something for a year or two years or 10 years that's frustrating or annoying, I felt deceived. I felt like my wife should have told me that. And then I had to ask, "Have I created an unsafe environment in this home where you can't even tell me that you don't like it where I put my shoes? Like, is that where we are?" And then my wife had to take ownership and say, "No, I needed to tell you that." And so now it's right away. You see what I'm saying? So it's both. And as when I said maybe, I think there's a fairness. Hey, you're getting onto me about this, and this has been happening for two or three weeks, not seven months, because now it's past the thing, and now we feel like we've been deceived. But you see what I'm getting at? All these, none of these fights have anything to do with fights. Has to do with with someone's got to be right and someone's got to be wrong. And what I would tell you is, and you've probably heard this marriage advice before, you can choose to be right, or you can choose to be wrong, or you can choose to be married. Right? Anytime if you're right and she's wrong, you both lose. And vice versa, right? And I would tell you that the moment that you're three minutes late is the absolute worst time ever to have that conversation because it's instantly emotional. She's already feeling upset, embarrassed, rushed. Whatever you're feeling mad. And so it's never going to be a productive conversation. It's going to be a conversation about emotions, not about how do we, how do we make some changes and grow and heal here. See what I'm saying?
I do. I do. I, I think my question is, moving forward, is there something I should maybe keep in mind when little things like this pop up in order to avoid, I don't know, me creating an issue?
I, I am like, I don't like to lose, right? I know that. I don't like to lose arguments. But then never, ever, ever have one because that attitude will destroy your marriage. It will end it, right? End it, right? So don't have them, right?
And my wife and I love to have these types of discussions. Is part of our problem there? Like, I, then it's just about context. So it's like, once a week, my wife and I have our calendar budget meeting. And that's, that's when we talk about these things because it's a rather unemotional time. It's like 8 o'clock on a Sunday or something like that. Like, it's, it's an unemotional time, and we're just, it's a very nuts and bolts, "Hey, by the way, last week you said you were going to be here at Wednesday and you were going to take care of dinner. You didn't. This is going to be the whole every Wednesday for the rest of semester. Here's what dinner looks like." And I'll be like, "Yeah, I totally screwed that up." Or I'll say, "Oh, why don't you tell me?" And we had that discussion then we move on. But it's not a, "Who's going to win this?" And you should have told. No, why? Why would I fight? I'm not going to fight. I'm not going to fight. There's no reason to fight, right? And again, I'm being facetious. Occasionally, there's a reason to, but they're so rare, man, so rare. You know what I mean, though, right?
I, I think we both know that like the things that we're fighting over don't matter. Then stop. Like, you're overthinking it, man. Stop. Like, when she's three minutes late, why do you have to have that conversation right then?
Why? I guess I don't have to.
Yeah. Yeah. Look at this guy, dude. You're gonna be married a long time.
That's the plan.
Yes. So don't have a conversation until later, until everybody's chill. Maybe keep a small little thing on your phone or a little note to yourself. Or if it's still not that big of a deal an hour later, then ta-da. That's wisdom. But don't feel like you got to go to war over everything, man. And especially if you have the thought, "I need to fix this." Or anytime you think that, how about this? Anytime you think the thought, "If she would just do," not say anything. Keep that to yourself, right? Because that's not a statement. That's not a thought pattern. That's not an emotion that's going towards solving a problem. That's a, that's a trajectory towards victory. And I'll say it again, if y'all get into an argument with the objective that one of us has to be right, one of us has to be wrong, you will both lose a hundred percent of those arguments. Right?
That makes sense. And you kind of, this is back from earlier, you kind of, kind of hinted around it a little bit. Never raise your voice. Don't yell. Don't be that guy.
You're right. Okay. That's that's not typically what I do. I was just frustrated, and that was a moment of weakness.
That's fair. Completely agree. But when you get frustrated, say, "Hey, I'm gonna take a break for a second." And take a break. And that that's wisdom and restraint and adult responsibility, right? It's just being a grown-up. But here's, so if I'm you, here's what I do right now. I would take my wife out to dinner. Okay? And I would tell her, "I'm sorry. I'm trying to find my place here. I want to be a great husband. I want to have this presentation of our family, we're always on time, and everything's always neatly pressed, and we look the part and do the part, and I want to do so good. And what I ended up doing is starting a lot of fights and a lot of, 'Well, if you would's and if this would's and whatever.' And I'm sorry. I'm not gonna fight you anymore. I would like to set up like a recurring, once a week, where we get coffee together." My wife and I, we used to, I said we'd do budget meetings. Now we started doing two-mile, I mean, two-hour walks in the morning on Saturday mornings. We leave the kids, they're old enough now. We just head off into, we head off on these long walks. They're fantastic. But we talk about everything, man. I get animated, and I can be like, "Ah," cause I'm a lot, right? I can do all those things, but they're not threatening. We're on the same side as we're walking, like we're facing the same direction together. It just changes the whole tenor. So we're still talking with some communications, but I'm just not gonna fight.
So here's a good example. Um, when she goes to bed, she doesn't let the dogs in. And I gotta let, take the dogs and take them down the set of stairs into the basement where they stay. And at 11 o'clock at night when I'm getting home from something and I'm tired, and the dogs are still up, that is not the time to have that conversation. At nine o'clock when I look into our bedroom and she's already, um, reading, and that's not the time to have that conversation. It's just not. When we're going for our walks on Sunday mornings or, I mean, on Saturday mornings or having our budget meetings. But I can say, "Hey, in the evenings, it would be a make-up, it'd be a big deal for me if you would go and put the dogs away when you go ahead and when you turn the lights off and do X, Y, and Z." See how different of a conversation that is? And she could say, "By the way, you don't do anything." "How about you get the dogs?" And I'd say, "All right, that's well done." And then it's my job. I don't have to fight about it anymore. See how much, how simpler that is?
Yes, I do.
Okay. Um, does she love you?
She does.
Yes. A lot?
Yes.
Can you just, can you rest in that?
Yes, I think I can.
Can I tell you this? It took me like 20, 20 years. That's not true. Probably 16, 17 years to figure out how to do that. So this isn't something you can do over time. She loves you, man. You're anchored in, and you're good. What we're going for here is peace. Is that fair?
No, sir. I appreciate it. Thank you very much, dude. I appreciate you calling.
Um, yeah, I've got high hopes for y'all. I would love to see a dinner where you just say, "Sorry. Don't bring up anything she's brought to the table. Make it about you. So I'm sorry. Taking a knee. And I'm gonna do better. And, uh, could we set up some things?" Man, that is changing the entire trajectory of your family. And I'll say it for a third time, this one call to all the couples listening: If you get in a fight with a purpose to win, I'll show him, she needs to, I'll tell her, one of you will win, and one of you will lose, and you will both lose every single time.