Transcription
In the name of God! What's wrong, my dear? Oh my! Are you going to shove the microphone in my mouth to hear the sound well?! What's going on?! Ah, I understand, so that the reflection doesn't bounce off the camera, making it look like we're filming. Excuse me, sir, can I just clean the ceiling with this thing? Sumaya and I have been married for about 25 years, a quiet and beautiful marriage. It's a miserable, miserable marriage for him! Honestly, the truth is, we share all the household chores. That's right, he makes the mess, and I clean up after him! No, wait a second, excuse me! A second, a second! Once, I swear to God, and I remember, I swear, I opened the refrigerator to drink water, and I closed the refrigerator door behind me! And of course, upbringing requires me to be a part of it. Of course, of course, it must be a part of it, am I not raising him with them?! Sumaya says that about me?! Yes, tell him, am I going to be scared, or am I going to be scared?! I can't believe she would say something like that! He'll pretend to be stupid at first, listen to my words, I know him. To be honest, sometimes I'm away from home. He didn't say why he's away? By God, tell him! Tell him, man! Honestly... I know, he'll tell you... work, a lot of work, extra overtime... Honestly, if he doesn't say it, I'll tell you, this gentleman has been married for 3 years... married, I am indeed married. Honestly! Do you know who he's married to? You won't believe it, Classic, my dearest friend! By the way, she's not her dearest friend at all, they were at school together, and grew up together, and it's like they were sisters. That's why I loved her, be careful, because she reminds me of her! Did he say that?! That she reminds him of me? Every time I look at her face, I remember Sumaya, I consider my marriage to her an opportunity to fix what's past. Did he really say that?! This is a miserable marriage with 60 miseries! Do you know who he's married to behind my back?! Classic, dear viewers, peace, mercy, and blessings of God be upon you, welcome to a new episode of the program "Al-Dahih"! This episode, my dear, is not just for the married, but also for the singles, to eliminate emotional and conflict illiteracy with wives, God willing. That's it, I want you, God willing, on your wedding night, to stay up all night watching this episode very well, so that this marriage lasts, God willing. Finish it, rewatch it, finish it, rewatch it, as a form of gratitude. One sunny morning in Seattle, USA, we find the couple Mark and Janice Jordan, who have been married for only a few months, sitting and having breakfast like two happy canaries, in front of them a beautiful natural view of a clear lake. Mark, as usual, puts the newspaper next to him at breakfast to read it, then he turns on a football match to enjoy himself, while Janice finishes her breakfast and starts a long call with her mother. A very normal morning routine for a couple in the prime of their lives, you feel like you're in a scene from Mostafa Fahmy, very normal. If, my dear, you focus a little, you will notice that there is something unnatural in what is happening. "Are they happy, Abu Hamid?" No, my dear, I mean, still, something much more important, if you look, my dear, you will find 3 video cameras mounted on the walls! If you look at the collars of their shirts, you will find microphones attached. "What, Abu Hamid?! Did they turn out to be KGB? Working with Mossad?!" My dear, by God, is there any spy in the world who wears a Holter device on his chest to monitor heart rate?! "What are we doing, Abu Hamid?! Sorry, I don't understand!" My dear, stay with me, focus on the natural view in the background, this is actually a fake painting, this is a painting, not a real natural view. This, my dear, is the Gottman Love Lab, founded by scientists John Gottman and Robert Levenson, at the University of Washington, in the city of Seattle, in 1986, with the aim of scientifically studying marriage, and specifically, the reasons for the happiness or divorce of married couples. These two scientists designed a laboratory to be like any ordinary apartment, for a middle-class couple, a kitchen, a sofa, a TV, and ordinary furniture, just like you're in your home. "Abu Hamid, I have an Air Fryer, why don't they have an Air Fryer?" Enough, enough! Anyway, in this ordinary house, the couple will be asked during this experiment to bring their usual groceries, and the newspapers they usually read, "Bring anything you do in your daily routine." And also the things they use on the weekend or holidays. Also, they will be asked to, as much as possible, behave naturally, under surveillance that will be running from 9 AM to 9 PM, surveillance throughout the apartment, except for the bathroom, before you ask. "Abu Hamid, it's not a big deal, it's only two days, and that's it, the matter will be over." My dear, two or three days what? This study takes many long years. In this study, Gottman will study the behavior and actions of married couples, and even their facial expressions over many long years. "So, Abu Hamid, reassure me, did this experiment yield any benefit?" Let me, my dear, detonate a bombshell for you, and surprise you with a big surprise, Gottman's team was able to predict the continuation of marriage or divorce, among the couples they studied, with an accuracy of up to 91% from 3 different studies! This means that out of 10 marriages, this team can tell if these two will divorce, or if these two will stay together! "So what's new, Abu Hamid? Aren't marriage and divorce statistics available in any society!" If we say that the divorce rate exceeds 50% in America, for example, this is a true fact, but it is measured over 40 years, but Gottman's experiment predicts divorce within 7 years, a much shorter time period. "So, Abu Hamid, can't we go to him, my wife and I, and see if we will divorce or not, - to determine if I will get married or not?" - No. "But Abu Hamid, this accuracy can come from a little observation and measurement of actions and habits, so it's not scientific talk." Let me surprise you again and tell you that Gottman will not only focus on behavior, if there is lying and deception in behavior, the body itself never lies. Remember the Holter device that was on their chests, which measures heart activity? Gottman will measure the electrocardiogram, blood pressure, and hormones for the couples being experimented on. "Wow! And what does that have to do with divorce, Abu Hamid?" In a study by Ohio University, they measured the levels of stress hormones, such as adrenaline and ACTH, in newly married people, and compared this physiological state to their state after 10 years of marriage. They found, my dear, that the level of these hormones was 34% higher during discussions of couples whose relationship ended in divorce, compared to people whose marriages continued. This means that if you find people in their marriages with high hormone levels like this, you can say that these people will likely divorce. The level of these hormones during discussions can be an indicator of whether these people will divorce or continue their marriage, and this is a clear link between physiological results and the probability of divorce within a certain period of time. This, my dear, is what we mean by the scientific study of marriage. Gottman and his laboratory missed no detail in observing couples. "Abu Hamid, excuse me, don't take it personally, I feel this man is a bit trivial! He got an apartment, furnished it, and cameras, and a heart monitor, to study marriage?! Man, study diseases, treat people from diseases! Whoever divorces, divorces, and whoever marries, marries, are we in the family court?!" My dear, if you are young, you must know that marriage can kill you, just like any disease, and it can also be the medicine that saves you from the disease. This, my dear, is not emotional talk, nor is it under any threat! According to a study at the University of Michigan, your chances of getting sick in general are 35% higher if your marriage is unhappy, while happy couples have an average lifespan that is extended by 4 to 8 years. This is simply because an unhappy person in their marriage is a person suffering from chronic physical and emotional stress. This stress makes them prone to heart problems, raises their blood pressure, not to mention psychological problems like depression. Now, let's go to the happy side, you find someone who cares about you, reminds you to take care of yourself, nags you to go to the doctor as soon as you get sick, feels responsible for your mood, your health, and your body. In his book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work," Gottman says: "If you dedicate just 10% of your time at the gym each week to improving your relationship with your wife, then, my dear, listen to this, it will give you three times the health benefits you would get from consistently going to the gym." "Wow, Abu Hamid! So I should pay for couples therapy, not a gym membership?" According to this study, yes! Gottman's laboratory was concerned with how marriage would end, good or bad? But perhaps this question depends on another more important question that we need to ask first, which is, how does marriage begin? Marriage, my dear, is a partnership, a relationship most often between two people! At the beginning of this partnership, you enter it with your preconceived ideas and opinions about the other person. For a long time, my dear, in our history, the space of relationships and the space of this partnership was built on opinions, not a specific scientific path that charts the course of these relationships, and tries to study whether they will end or not, and how if they will end, how they will end, and what are their causes and consequences, like what happened in Gottman's laboratory. But, according to the writer John Matuschka, in the nineties, books like "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" started to appear, a bestseller from the day it was released, along with books by Mostafa Mahmoud in Ataba! This book is a self-help book, it will be printed in 15 million copies and translated into more than 40 languages worldwide. This book will solidify one idea: that each party in a marriage comes from a different planet with different characteristics. The book will be followed by a series of books that confirm this idea: that men have a "catalog," and women have a "catalog"! But if anyone finds it, let them tell us! Like "Why Men Lie and Women Cry," and "Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars." And although many of these things have no scientific basis, they will become ingrained in the consciousness of both sexes from childhood, and will also control their choices of each other and the expectations of each sex from the other. Imagine, my dear, Gottman spending years studying to come up with a divorce rate, and a non-scientific book can change an entire culture, and determine marriage based on what foundation it begins and on what foundation it ends! I am trying to sell you the episode, my dear. And allow me, my dear, to analyze this claim and see if it is true or not. Let's take the most important preconceived idea about men and women, stereotyping. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word woman or man? Men are traitors and their eyes wander, and women are nagging and unbearable. "Isn't that scientifically true, Abu Hamid?" We'll see! If we analyze, my dear, the idea that men, by nature, are beings who tend towards freedom and bachelorhood, and shy away from the constraints of married life, and are naturally inclined towards betrayal, greed, and promiscuity, we will find Dr. Alicia Walker, in her book "Chasing Masculinity," found that the first feeling that drives a man to infidelity is not biological programming, but rather their feeling of emotional distance, their feeling of insecurity and lack of safety, perhaps because they do not receive enough attention or appreciation. In fact, according to the samples collected by Alicia, many men consider infidelity an attempt to compensate for these feelings from outside, rather than losing their wife, whom they still love, permanently through divorce. He considers, my dear, that he is ordering food from outside! You will find, my dear, in the studies, contrary to what is expected, my dear, in the media, you always find that the woman is the one who wants to get married, and therefore, you assume that women are happier in marriage. Actually, married men are happier than married women, this is evident in the studies, and unmarried men, single men, are more unhappy and more violent in society. And as much as Dr. Walker's words may seem a bit toxic, and have the flavor of Yasmine Ezz! But it confirms that infidelity is not a biological or inherent thing. This is complemented by studies by Dr. Annette Lawson, who found that something like infidelity in the popular sense does not depend much on gender, meaning it does not depend on whether it is male or female. Of course, a male who cheats cheats with a female, and a female who cheats cheats with a male. Of course, the ratios are different, but anyway! Infidelity, my dear, according to her, depends on opportunity, context, availability. So we find that the significant increase in the rates of wives' infidelity is parallel to the increase in women in the job market. This means that infidelity is an opportunity that arises for someone who has an emotional problem, feels a lack of enthusiasm, feels bored, has a hunger for appreciation and attention. And according to the studies, 80% of wives and husbands said that infidelity itself was not a cause for the collapse of the marriage, but rather a result of this collapse! This means that the marriage did not end because of infidelity, but infidelity happened because the marriage was falling apart. "But Abu Hamid, wait a minute! Men are naturally unfaithful." My dear, calm down, please. We are looking at stereotypical ideas that have some truth to them, but not all of them are true. Just wait now, because your turn is coming, and your stereotype is coming, and the whole world says you are nagging! Let's examine this claim as well. We will find, according to Dr. Catherine McKinley, that men and women experience exactly the same emotions, such as anger, nagging, and sadness. The difference is that, according to her, women are allowed to express this, but men are not, and this, my dear, is not biological. According to Dr. Catherine, there are what are called gender roles. Society assigns them to us, as if we are actors in a play or a series! And it tells men: "You men are strong, you have no emotions, unemotional, no man cries." And it goes to women and tells them: "You are allowed to express yourselves freely, shout, girl!" So, naturally, women will be braver in opening up more difficult topics without being afraid of showing their feelings to anyone, and this happens 80% more than men, who usually avoid discussing these topics. You'll find, my dear, sitting with you at a coffee shop, you tell him: "What's wrong, my friend?" And he'll say: "I'm choked up, pray for me!" And you say: "May God grant." But the strange thing is that it works for him! This, according to her, is societal roles. So we find that it is common for husbands to accuse their wives of nagging, and on the other hand, wives say that men are stubborn, cold, and have no blood! The idea, my dear, is that when a man suppresses his feelings, these feelings do not go anywhere else, but rather return to his body. According to sources, marital discussions that evoke strong emotions cause the husband's blood pressure to rise more than the wife's, and his heart rate becomes faster and more violent, and he remains in this state for a much longer period compared to his wife. And let me tell you, my dear husband, that if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you will not be able to understand your wife's words at all, no matter how hard you try, because you will be in a state that Gottman calls "flooding," you've reached your limit and feel extreme tension, to the point that it will prevent you from focusing on what is being said, or from, after all this, responding rationally. And this is not the only price of the gender role that society has imposed. Gottman observed that when the husband embodies his masculinity and believes the gender role that dictates that he suppress his emotions, then usually when he gets involved in a discussion, he tends to think about winning or getting his rights. This is a lot of pressure, while, according to him, the wife is better at calming herself down than her husband, because since she accepts her feelings, and talks and discusses her feelings a lot, she is able to control them in one way or another, she is not afraid to express them. The husband often, if he shouts, the wife will tend to calm him down or react less, the opposite is not necessarily true, because often if the wife raises her voice, the husband will raise his voice more and more and more. Gottman believes that women are naturally better at understanding and dealing with emotions compared to men, even if these women are not necessarily smarter than men. This is not biological programming, it comes from childhood, and behind it are many years of training. If we look at the way boys and girls played together in the streets when we were children, you will find that boys focus on victory and winning in the game. Men come to play football and start cursing and scolding each other, and you don't shoot, and you don't pass, and you don't do such and such, you might fight with your lifelong friend if he plays in front of you, to win the match, while girls, in their games, focus on emotions. For example, if two girls are playing, and one girl says to the other: "We will no longer be friends." The game will stop here, until at least they reconcile. Imagine a man and a woman entering into marriage, a partnership, and their expectations of each other are all stereotypes, they treat each other as if they are parties coming from different planets. They also live out the roles that society has assigned them, and consider them their nature and must behave accordingly, without thinking that these might be roles they are forced to play! Sometimes, society not only imposes its roles on men and women, but also imposes its economic and social conditions. According to journalist Leta Hong Fincher, who studied marriage and gender in societies like China, Leta found that the idea of marriage is summarized by a girl from Shanghai in one sentence: Marriage there is not a story between two alone, but the entire society gets married, parents, children, grandparents, and the state. "Wait a minute, Abu Hamid, is this marriage in China?! Isn't this normal for us in Obour?" Yes, but we are talking about China! According to the Hukou System, which is a residency system in China, since 2012, for a girl to own housing in Shanghai, she must be married. Many Chinese women have begun to refuse marriage as a reaction to societal pressure, to the point that the marriage age for girls in 2000 was 24.9 years, and in 2022 it reached 27.95 years, meaning it increased by almost 3 years. And according to a study named... Marriage is essential in the Middle East and Egypt. Marriage is a criterion for maturity. This is how society can take you seriously. You are a father, or you are a mother, you are married, therefore you are mature. But as a result of economic pressures, it takes a man until he establishes himself and becomes capable of marriage, reaching the age of 31. The average age for a girl to marry is about 23. Of course, my dear, these economic pressures and social pressures do not end after marriage, but rather they increase! The pressures on married couples increase to the point that divorce rates reach, my dear, 65%, and this is in what? In the first year! 65% means only a third of marriages will continue after the first year! We are here facing societal conditions that have nothing to do with the individuals themselves, but these pressures make marriage, and more importantly, maintaining it, a much more difficult process. The truth, my dear, is that marriage may not be affected by the planet you come from, it's not about Mars and Venus, but marriage may be affected by the country you come from. Our expectations of the other and of society are not just the problem of marriage. Sometimes, our expectations of the project itself are the biggest problem, specifically, the imagined fantasies of a happy marriage, without any problems, just like we see on Instagram. All day long, they do this for her, she does that for him! According to a study published in 2016, a study that followed 135 couples over 4 years, and compared their expectations before marriage about the idea of marriage with their opinion of marriage after they got married. The study found that couples whose expectations were realistic from the beginning were the ones who were able to continue their relationship, while all those with ideal expectations had their marriages fall apart. They become more frustrated and have more problems. You know, my dear, the best investor in the world, Warren Buffett, when asked, if I had to choose just one quality in my life partner, just one quality, do you know what he said? He said: Low Expectations. If I want to live in a happy marriage, I must have low expectations of the person in front of me, and the person in front of me must have low expectations of me. So when we do the ordinary, they will be surprised and happy, and when they do the ordinary, we will be surprised and happy. So we will both be surprised and happy! If we divide, my dear, marriage problems into two types, we will find one type that is solvable, and this is usually related to a specific situation that has no general meaning. As long as the couple's expectations of each other are normal, they will alert each other as soon as it happens and solve it. As for the second type, my dear, it is a difficult type to solve, and it repeats constantly. This matter usually has an apparent cause, and behind it are other hidden causes, and as a result of accumulation, a problem occurs. So the fight is "Why didn't you take out the trash?" But in reality, the fight is about "Why do you forget to help me, as if the house is my responsibility alone?!" Unfortunately, my dear, 69% of problems between couples are of this second type, because couples have directed their energy towards ideal expectations about the idea of marriage itself, more than focusing on who each person is actually marrying! Each one of us not only has qualities and advantages, but also problems that come from the formation of our personalities before we have a partner. In his book "After Honeymoon," specialist Daniel Weill says, when you choose your life partner, you choose a set of problems with them. So it's better, my dear, to choose the type of problems you can live with. A happy marriage is a marriage where the couple can deal with solvable problems before they become permanent problems, and they talk about their problems regularly, they might even joke about them, joke about their problems, not about others' problems, so you don't make that mistake! The important thing is that they do not reach what Gottman calls "stagnation," which is the state that couples reach when both or one of them constantly feels wronged or like a victim, while, and listen to this and write it on your Twitter, the sad partner is a victim of their expectations, not of their life partner. "But Abu Hamid, you're exaggerating a bit. Does it mean that if I get married, I have to take her for a psychological analysis with Dr. Carl Jung? Or should I spend years in Gottman's laboratory being monitored? Just say something logical, man, God! Let us get married, and then, we'll go to therapists, couples therapists, and life coaches." My dear, I don't want to surprise you, but in a customer satisfaction survey, the specialization that received the worst reviews ever is marriage and couples therapists! This is the job that its clients are most dissatisfied with. The problem of marriage, as I explained to you, lies in the expectations of each sex from the other, and their expectations of the project itself. Many specialists have fallen into the same problem, and expected that marriage can be measured by their pattern. A relationship between a doctor and a patient, in an "I can fix him, I can fix her" way, which leads to no good, and you, me, and Captain Khaled Bebo know that well! The most common method for treating couples was developed by psychologist Carl Rogers in the sixties. Its primary purpose was to train psychologists to respond to what they hear from their patients without making any judgments, to make the patient feel the greatest possible empathy for what they are going through. And since it is assumed in a happy marriage that each party can behave naturally, and that the other party makes them feel accepted, with their advantages and disadvantages, and the sounds they make all the time! So it was natural for specialists to train couples in the same way, called active listening. How does this happen? This happens through advice, for example, you start your sentence with the first person pronoun, not the second person. For example, don't say, "You upset me when you left me alone on a day like this." But say to her, "I am upset that I felt alone on a day like this." Here, the other party will rephrase what they heard, in a way that shows appreciation for the feelings of the person who said it, not that I am defending myself. The first reaction will not be, "I wasn't free." And "I was tired." And "Look what you're doing!" Because no accusation was directed at me, but rather a person in pain, a sad person, so my first reaction will likely be "Poor thing!" like that. "So, Abu Hamid, isn't this excellent talk? Where is the problem then?" The problem, my dear, is that the success rate of this logical method, even with a psychologist, is between 35% and 50%, which is a failing grade! And I, my dear, am not giving you an example of any psychologist, I am talking about someone like Neil Jacobson, for example, who wrote important books on marital relationships. It didn't pass half, successful out of pity! Not only that, but at least half of the couples who were treated by him and succeeded, relapsed afterward, and their relationship was ruined again! According to John Gottman, simply put, there is a huge difference between a doctor-patient discussion in a psychologically comfortable environment without accumulated problems or past fights that have left their mark on each party, and a discussion with your life partner who has never studied psychology and is not a neutral party in the problem at all. So it's difficult for her to hear her husband's complaints and accept it normally like a doctor, she is his wife, not his therapist. So let me tell you that even in normal psychotherapy, the doctor tries not to have a personal relationship with the patient, and if the discussion between them becomes personal, the therapist should shift the topic to a neutral discussion. This does not mean that active listening and communication skills are not important in a successful marriage, but it is certain that they are not enough on their own to save the marriage. "Excuse me, Abu Hamid, so are the expectations of each sex from the other a trap for each other? And are our expectations of marriage a trap for us?! And sometimes this trap can come to us in harsh social and economic circumstances?! And it's also possible that this trap comes to me from the doctor or the therapist, for whom I pay 800 pounds an hour to treat me?! So what should I do? And who should I go to?! Abu Hamid, I don't want to die single or sexually frustrated!" What are you?! Who are you looking at, boy?! My dear, don't worry, please, anyway, we will all die in the end, don't worry! My dear, do you think I will leave you like this? I have to cover all angles, so that you stay until the end of the episode, and you have seen all the advertisements! I will come to you with the solution after I have earned my living! The truth is, men are not from Mars, they can be from Damanhour, and women are not from Venus, they can be from Shablanga Center! The matter is complicated, of course, but I will say it is much simpler than that, so that we go in the direction I want. John Gottman says that the secret to marital happiness is something common and present in everyone in the same proportion, by 70%, and it is just one sentence, and what is meant by friendship here is mutual respect and enjoyment, mutual respect and fun. Each party explores the other, and learns the things they like, and the things they can't stand, and the crazy parts of each party, their hopes and dreams. In such a friendship, your wife might give you the chicken leg as a favor, because she knows you love it more than the breast, and the husband might spend a lot of time with his wife's family, even though he doesn't prefer family gatherings or his wife's family. All of this happens on a give-and-take basis, without either party feeling forced into anything. "Abu Hamid, frankly, frankly, Abu Hamid, I feel what you're saying is Facebook talk, it's nice to write on Twitter, it's nice to write in books, people say it as slogans, but not in reality. In reality, we need people from the Red Cross to come and defuse armed conflicts. We are in a cold war and on the verge of nuclear conflict! These are all pieces of advice that will fly away after the honeymoon." Frankly, my dear, let's agree that when you watch a program that talks about football, the program will never teach you how to play football! Practice is what will help you learn and execute, but you need some theoretical background to be able to proceed. The friendship that Mr. Gottman talks about should be the beginning of the relationship, not its end. We won't reach the point of becoming friends. No, if we become friends, we can become partners, because it leads to what Robert Wise calls the victory of positive emotions. Simply put, in such a relationship, as soon as a fight occurs, it is easy for both parties to assume good intentions and see it as a temporary obstacle in a strong relationship. Aim at the target, captain. The expectations of both parties, even in the presence of problems here, are positive. Conversely, if negative emotions prevail, we will sit there as code-breaking scientists, deciphering each other! "What did he mean when he looked at me?" "What did she mean when she blinked?" And every small mistake will be interpreted as a very big problem, and every attempt at reconciliation during a fight, no matter how skilled the person who started the reconciliation is in communication skills and listens well, their attempts will not be heard at all, if they are not misunderstood. "You tell me 'I'm sorry,' are you patronizing me?" "You tell me to calm down, do you see me as crazy, pulling my hair?!" And this is one of the reasons why traditional marital therapy doesn't work very well, in cases where negative emotions prevail. This, my dear, is very important. If there is no trust that our intentions are good, end the relationship now, don't finish the episode, end the relationship, come on, now, quickly! Because there will be no trust, and we will not be able to get anything positive from this person, and we will not be able to build on anything positive and grow the relationship. Make sure your intentions are good, and that you have good feelings towards each other. True, my dear, feelings, like money, do not last, and a relationship cannot succeed on its own, because our good feelings do not prevent us from asking for or offering support. Gottman considers that feelings are renewed according to each party's response to what he calls "Bids." B. I. D. S. and it means the attempts that each party makes to tell the other party that they need them. Scientifically, my dear, in a successful marriage, each party supports the other party in 86% of cases. "Abu Hamid, my number was 83, is there a high level?" Your wit is the reason for your failure in relationships! Focus, man! Anyway, if we compare happy marriages with marriages that ended in divorce, the response rate to requests for support was 33%, a much lower support rate than happy marriages. Look at something and 80%, and something and 30%. And this support can be with simple things, like "Can I have a glass of water while you're in the kitchen?" "Can you take your plate when you get up?" "Can you please put my phone on charge?" Simple things, these are also included. It could also be something big, like participating in the care of one of the husband's parents or one of the wife's parents. According to Gottman, the most important aspect of romance is not an expensive trip to a luxurious place on the seashore, nor a date in a fancy restaurant with a kamanja player behind you, but rather the most important aspect of romance is the small things that happen throughout the day, which accumulate a balance of positivity, allowing the relationship to withstand problems when they occur. The more you can charge the battery, my dear, charge it. Gottman, my dear, found that the women he followed saw that the man who helps them with housework is not only seen as good and doing something positive, but also very sexually attractive! Here, the wife sees the husband focusing on her daily routine and helping her, and also sees him trying to make her comfortable, not helping her because she is tired or in an emergency, but because he is trying to make her happy. According to Gottman, this shifts the focus to how each person will make the other comfortable, instead of over-focusing on who did what. And this is what Gottman sees as a sign of a problem between the couple, because no one should be counting for the other. And as important as these daily routine activities are, sometimes breaking the routine is important and enjoyable. According to researcher Arthur Aron, one of the ways to renew any marriage is through exciting activities, new activities in which the couple discover each other. According to the book "The Normal Bar," sometimes renewal comes with small gestures. You don't have to go skydiving in Dubai, or try to escape from an escape room in Arkan. Much simpler initiatives, like a kiss on the cheek, or a little massage, or watching a movie or an episode of a series, simple activities that don't require effort or time. My brother, have some decency, and send her a text message or an emoji, is that so difficult?! Is the data running out?! Friendship, in short, will find its way, regardless of your economic or social situation, and through it you can express your love and appreciation for the other person. "Abu Hamid, let me ask you a question a girl who was my friend in college asked me: Can women and men, at all, at all, be best friends?" According to, my dear, a study from Stanford University, which is a very expensive university, boys and girls in childhood can indeed be best friends, in 35% of cases up to 7 years old, but after that, this percentage decreases to almost zero. By puberty, these friendships between the sexes are almost non-existent! Because at the time when girls accept influence from boys and girls equally, boys accept influence more from boys like them. "Abu Hamid, I'm confused!" Influence here means the form of consultation or participation, and the impact of the other's opinion on your decision, and respect for feelings and opinions. That's why girls from 5 to 7 years old get bored with this situation and stop playing with boys. "So, God, you're saying it, Abu Hamid, so it's impossible for friendship to happen between boys and girls. You've built your life on a shaky foundation now!" Let me tell you, my dear, that despite all that I have told you, friendship, with the presence of positive emotions, seeking support, and clarity between the two parties, regains its influence that was lost in childhood gradually, between two sexes whose upbringing roles are different. And according to Gottman, fights in families where there is mutual influence between the couple, meaning they are influenced by each other's words, they listen to each other's words, they understand each other's words, their fights are less intense than other fights, and the probability of marriage success is higher. In the end, my dear, marriage is a relationship between two people with different natures, and their thoughts are certainly different from each other. Two people whom society imposes certain roles on, and despite all the problems, they have chosen to commit to life together, and they must constantly compromise, and compromise here in its positive meaning, not its negative meaning, reaching middle ground, not making concessions. And more important than communication skills in this situation is that the couple remain friends. There is no friendship between two people who don't know much about each other, don't talk to each other, don't understand each other. And although, my dear, you are not necessarily able to fix anyone, but you can know him, and you can explore him even as he changes. In the end, my dear, a marriage can last for decades. It is natural that the people we knew at some point will not remain the same, and we will not remain the same. Therefore, my dear, a successful marriage is a continuous effort. Don't think that you have finished something. We understood each other, we formed a friendship. No, we keep changing, and therefore we need to keep monitoring ourselves and monitoring the other party, so that we can maintain this marriage, see what the other party wishes for, what I can help him with, what is bothering him about me, and how I can reduce that. In the end, my dear, there is no mathematical equation that guarantees the success of all this. And let me hit you with a screwdriver in the episode, in humanity, in civilization, in the institution of marriage, and in everything. Gottman, our reference, with whom we started the whole episode, got married 3 times, and divorced twice! So, in the Egyptian proverb, "The carpenter's door is broken." That's it, my dear. Last but not least, don't forget to watch the previous episodes, watch the upcoming episodes, go down and look at the sources, and if we are on YouTube, subscribe to the channel. Let me, my dear, at the end of the episode, give you a serious analogy about marriage: it's like a big barrel, the beginning is 5 cm of honey, and the rest is not honey! "What is this?! Wait a minute, Abu Hamid! I think I opened the barrel upside down!"