Transcription
Have you ever consumed a substance that made you so intoxicated that you slurred your speech so bad that you couldn't even understand what you were saying? And maybe you even lost your motor functions to the point where standing up was probably not an option. And then maybe even the next day, after blacking out, you hear from all of your friends about what a fool you made of yourself. And once you finally sober up, you reflect on it and swear you'll never do that again.
Well, romantic love is a little bit like that, except that it has a much stronger addictive property, and the likelihood that you're going to repeat that problem goes on and on and on. So just like getting drunk or stoned, romantic love is something that we do to ourselves. Unfortunately, our culture leads us to believe that this is something that happens in some spontaneous miracle, and that we are the beneficiaries of this experience, and that it is the most sought-after, highest level of love that can be achieved. It is honored in TV and on songs and in movies and it's poetry, and it's all just a bunch of… so let's get clear about what we're talking about when we're talking about romantic love.
We want to dispel the idea that romantic love could be transactional. Because we love you, right? Well, if that's the case, what if she doesn't love you back? Do you still love her? How long does that last? Doesn't seem like a very lasting love, does it? Romantic love is more of a sickness than it is a positive experience, and it's something that we project out onto the person that we call our beloved. That person has done nothing necessarily to earn it; they just might be a physically attractive person that we find very desirable. Maybe they're smart, maybe they're, I don't know, they're kind, maybe they have a lot of good interpersonal skills, but does that warrant the word love? Probably not.
So how do we get there? Well, that sensation of being in love is a very intoxicating experience. And so when we're given the opportunity to express that experience, we choose it very often times, not because it's a true experience, but just because we create it in our minds. We project upon that person all the qualities that we think our beloved should have, whether she has them or not. We just act like that's the way that is, and we just convince ourselves that that's the case. And any evidence to the contrary just gets blacked out; like we just don't even realize it's there. We just keep on moving forward into this trap of Love without any idea of what's actually going on.
Remember, we live our lives from the inside out. That means everything in the world we experience subjectively; these things don't have meaning independent of what we give it. So when we come across someone that we're attracted to, and we experience a tingle, a desire, an attraction, and that attraction is returned, it's very easy for us to apply this romantic love to it, as if it is an independent force that is guiding us and pushing us in this direction. And the reality is, it all originates inside of us. All of the emotions and thoughts that occur in our head originate in our head. There is no external force putting this idea in your mind. Romantic love is a self-induced illusion, or even delusion, that we create so that we can experience the emotions associated with it. And granted, those emotions are lovely, they're wonderful, and they're reinforced by our society and our culture that tells us these feelings are valuable and we should be wishing for them and wanting them. And it drives women more than anyone, but also men too, but it really drives women when you layer it with Disney and all these romantic comedies and all this crap that this is the penultimate experience in life. And I'm here to tell you that it's not.
Now, true love, a real love, is one that is not transactional; it's not one that requires anything in return. It has a value beyond a transaction; there is no value that can be placed on it because it is wishing for and wanting and desiring for the other without regard for the self. And that's a unique experience; that's not something that comes along very often, and it's certainly not something that you would experience a lot of limerence with. You're not going to be living in that hay, I know, 3 ft off the ground all the time, sort of feeling, at least I don't think so. Um, you just have a strong sense of affinity for another person, like your children, and you really want them to perform well and have a good life, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to help them achieve that. And there's nothing they can do in return; like there is nothing that they can really do that would um be an exchange for your support that's out of their power, like when they're especially when they're babies. You must care for them, you know, feeding them, changing them, everything; there's no way they can repay that. That is the kind of love that is more unconditional. Um, the kind of love that romantic love is is a very transactional kind of love. It is, um, you know that song, secondhand emotion? It's definitely a secondhand emotion, maybe even a thirdhand emotion. It's a delusion that we do to ourselves.
A subset of that delusion is the soulmate, the soulmate experience, and I have been subject to this. I've been told that I am a soulmate on a number of occasions, and oh my God, that is the biggest trap in the universe. So the soulmate is a kind of like a step up from that original delusion of romantic love, because now when you agreed to this label of being a soulmate, it's almost like you are now accountable for fulfilling all of the relationship needs of another person. It's almost as if, at least from that person's perspective, like if you're agreeing to this concept of a soulmate, it's kind of like you were made for each other. We're bringing in the, you know, the other otherworldliness of it; we're turning it into some kind of a a religious experience, if you will. And yeah, that's just… if there is such a thing as a soulmate, and I think in a way we do have soulmates, but not in the romantic love kind of way. I think that soulmates are here, and they they teach you things that you don't want to know and wouldn't learn otherwise. They don't generally bring happiness and love into your life; they usually piss you off, do you know what I mean? Like that guy that cut you off on the on the on the freeway, that might be one of your soulmates, you know. Um, the people that troll you on on social media, they might be your soulmates; they're triggering you, they're triggering you, they're showing you your attachments, they're showing you where you have um a uh a connection to your ego, and you're having a tough time letting go of it. That's what a soulmate does; they they they they trigger you; they're like the sand that makes the pearl. They're not the that mushy gushy chocolate that you want to put in your mouth. No, no, no, no, no. No, a soulmate is is sort of the… that makes you stop and reflect and go, okay, I need to improve; I can't allow this kind of triggering in my life; it's not good for me, it's not good for anyone. That's what a soulmate does.
But back to uh romantic love, just realize that you're living subjectively; you're projecting this out into the world. The experience that you're having may be a mixture of desire and attraction and all these wonderful things, but don't allow yourself to think that you're in love, because that experience of fooling yourself that you're in love turns into a commitment that will last for a long time. It's like that hangover that I was talking about at the beginning of the video; it's it doesn't go away for years; like you you're going to have this state of intoxication for a long time, for years, and then the hangover is going to last for years and years, and you're just going to be wondering, what was I thinking? What was I thinking? Until finally the whole nightmare comes to an end in a merciful but painful divorce, you know. So um, yeah, don't do that to yourself. Realize when you're feeling those emotions, those feelings, that they're coming from within. I mean, sure, you have attraction to this person; yeah, they're probably a great person; yes, you desire them, but just see it for what it is: it's just a strong desire; it's an attraction. Um, if you're going to use that word love out loud, don't fool yourself; know what you're saying, know why you're saying it, know what it means to you. Only you can give it meaning. Don't allow yourself to get trapped in a… don't let yourself get stuck in a situation where using that L word out loud with anyone unless you truly, truly mean it, and it's going to be a very rare experience. So save it for when it actually is meaningful. If you're going to use the word love, tell your kids you love them, tell your dog you love them; your dog loves you; that's unconditional love. But don't tell it to some girl you met online; don't tell it to Match.com. No, no, you got to you got to have some dignity; you got to keep control; compartmentalize those feelings. If you feel them, you know, hold on to them for a very long time before you speak of them. Do not allow that word to sneak out of your mouth for at least a year or two, you know. Um, you'll regret it; I promise you, you'll regret it if you do. And if you do hold on to it for a very long time, you'll find that you'll have a lot more control in this relationship; you'll be a lot less um obligated in the relationship; you'll have a lot more freedom in the relationship, and your partner will be a lot more inclined to remain attractive to you; she won't feel overconfident; she will constantly be trying to um hold your attention. But once you give her that I love you and that commitment and all of that stuff that goes with it, you're turning over the keys to your life. So I would strongly recommend against it.
All right, you guys, that's all I got for you today. I hope you've enjoyed this video; just a short one; it's one that I felt I needed to get out because too many young guys are getting into too much trouble using that word, thinking it's going to get him in the sack or it's going to solidify a relationship, and I'm telling you, you don't need to use it. There's a lot of other words you can use; there's a lot of things you can do, but you don't need to say I love you. All right, that's all I got. Um, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.