Women are ON YOUR TEAM (It's "You and Me") [Relationships]

Ladies and fellow team members, Andy here, author of "The Rest in the Guide on the Internet," and guy who is on your team. This is the Killer in the Loser show. Let's [ __ ] go.

Ages ago, I wrote this article called "You and Me on the Same Team." The premise of this article was, in the context of dating and casual sex, women that you sleep with or women that you date, think of them as on your team. They're not the enemy. You're not trying to conquer them. You're not trying to battle them. They're not against you. Women who reject you when you go outside to talk to girls or when you're on Tinder, they're not against you. They're not your enemy. See them as on your team.

See casual sex, and obviously relationships, but casual sex as two people coming together and winning together on the same team. See if you and her want the same thing. And if you do, go for it. If one of you doesn't, that's okay. You go separate ways, rather than this sort of traditional mindset that I see a lot of people fall into by default, where, you know, guys will think, "I have to get sex from her. I'm trying to get sex," and women think the same thing too, "Guys are always trying to get sex from me. I have to get a relationship from him." That's not being on the same team. That's trying to beat the other person. That's trying to win, to conquer.

No, what we're trying to do when we come together with other people is have a win together. Don't you want them to be happy? Don't you want them to want the same thing as you? And then you come together, and it's fulfilling for both of you. And all of that. So that was the premise of the original article. I'm going to expand on it here. We're going to go balls deep, and I'm gonna talk a little bit more about relationships.

Now, if you're not in a relationship or you're not at the stage where you're ready for a relationship, this all absolutely [ __ ] applies to casual sex. So don't, you know, close the video. Listen to this. This absolutely applies to casual sex. It applies to all sorts of dating, all forms of casual dating. It applies to friendships, it applies to business relationships, family relationships, all of that. This concept of being on the same team is universal.

If you can go about your life seeing other people as on your team, or seeing if they are on your team, like figuring that out, rather than this combative mindset of, "I have to take, and I have to get, and I have to conquer, and I have to win," life just goes a hell of a lot more smoothly. You get more abundance. You will sleep with more people. The relationships will be more intimate. You will have better sex. Your friendships will be stronger. All of this. Your business relationships will go better. You get more promotions. All of this is a very universal concept.

And the reason why the concept of "You and Me on the Same Team" is so important is because, like I said, it it stops you from this sort of combative mindset where you're trying to get something from the other person. What happens when you try and get something from the other person? Whether that's, you know, in casual sex, you're trying to get sex from her, you're trying to get that [ __ ], you're trying to have sex. What happens? She can tell you're trying to get something, and she naturally shuts down a little bit, or puts up a little bit of a defense, or puts up, she's on her guard, because she can tell you're trying to take something.

Flip the genders. When a woman is sitting there or is making it abundantly clear that she's trying to get a relationship out of you, or she's trying to manipulate you, or push you, or, you know, yeah, push you into a relationship, but you're not ready for one, or you, you don't know if you want to come in it, it just comes across as like nagging, or uncomfortable, or weird, or she's clingy, or she's hysterical, or she's emotional, or she's just crazy, or like it comes across with those sort of vibes, and you naturally get on your defenses and you shut down and you defend yourself. This is like the natural state of things.

And so if you flip it and instead put into your brain, "I'm going to see if this other person is on my team," or another way of phrasing that is, "I'm going to see if we both want the same thing," and then we can have a win together. Now, they don't shut down. It's either a yes or a no. They're either an enthusiastic yes, or they're a no. They're either like, "Yes, I would love a relationship." Cool. Let's [ __ ] do it. We're on the same team. Let's build a relationship together. Let's, you know, come together, join forces, and build something amazing.

If it's casual sex, it's like, "Do you want casual sex? Do you want to just go home with me and fool around?" She's like, "Yeah, I'd love that." And you're like, "Great. Sweet." There's no push-pull. There's no defense. There's no drama. The concept of "You and Me on the Same Team" avoids all drama. You avoid conversations like, "Where is this going? What are we? Like, are you seeing, you know, do you just see me as sex?" Like, those conversations don't [ __ ] happen because you're on the same team. Because you've been honest. Because from the start, you've said, "Hey, I want casual sex," or, "Hey, I want a relationship." Well, "Hey, I want this," or "I want that," or "I want this. Do you want this with me? Do you want to be on my team with me and go for this together?"

It also means whenever some sort of disagreement or, you know, it's, take a step back. You stop disagreements before they even happen. If you're on the same team, as soon as someone isn't sure about something or they're unhappy with something, because they see you as on their team and you see them as on your team, you want to solve problems together. That's what people do when they're on the same team. They say, "Yo, we got to figure out, like, let's solve this problem together. I don't want to sit here uncomfortable and having this issue and not bring it up with you." And so you're more honest. You bring things up. You don't even get to the stage of having a disagreement, let alone full-blown drama. You avoid that.

So, you know, I've drilled in in this old article. It's on my website, killtheanalyzer.com, forward slash. Just go to killeranalyzer.com, search for "You and Me." I've gone through all these concepts. So I'm giving a quick rehash here, but I want to, like I said, dive a little deeper and talk about how this applies to, like, relationships. And in a relationship sense. And again, even in a casual relationship where you're just having sex and you're friends with benefits or [ __ ] buddies or whatever you want to, whatever your kids are calling it these days.

If you're on the same team, or if you have this concept of like, "Hey, it's you and me together. Let's have a win. Let's like make some memories. Let's have some great sex. Let's do some cool [ __ ]." It's like you're working towards a common goal. It's like you're pushing each other. In a relationship, obviously, you will literally push each other with goals. You will be like, "Yo, we're on a team. Let's build something amazing. Let's come together and build a [ __ ] amazing relationship." But even in casual sex, it's, "Let's build amazing memories together. Let's have crazy sex. Let's like take everything off our sexual bucket list. Let's have, like, you know, a good time. I will try and push you a little bit. Maybe you can push me with my goals a little bit." You can still push each other even in a casual sex relationship.

But it means you're firmly in your head thinking, "I want this person to win." And when you want the other person to win, guess what happens? They say, "Well, I want them to win. I want you to win." And you're both sitting there reinforcing each other. Again, even if it's casual sex, it just means, "I want you to have a good time in the bedroom." And then the other person will go, "Well, great. I want you to have a good time too." You're coming together, and you're not [ __ ] battling again.

I see so many relationships, especially casual relationships, where one person wants sex and one person wants a relationship. And they're just like fighting each other. And like, "I'm trying to manipulate you and get sex out of you." Well, "I'm gonna, you know, dish out a little bit of sex for you so that hopefully you'll commit and give me a relationship." And then the other person strings that person along and goes, "Well, maybe I'll have a relationship, but like, I, I need to figure it out first. I need to have a little bit more sex with you first." And the other person said, "All right, well, I'll give you a little bit of sex, but you better hurry up and give me a relationship." It's like this [ __ ] like banging against each other. Like, how is that on the same team? It's two people trying to manipulate each other, trying to like, hoping the other person will give them what they want. That's not being on the same team.

And so if you haven't figured it out, a core part of being on the same team is honesty and being upfront and screening. And by screening, what I mean is, you say, "I want a serious relationship eventually. You know, don't jump into it right off the bat, but eventually, I'm working towards a serious relationship. Is that something you want? Yes or no?" And the other person says, "Yes or no." If they say, "Maybe," or "I don't know," you're allowed to leave. That doesn't sound like super serious. Or if they say, "Like, yeah, one day I definitely want that." Cool. That's a yes.

Or if it's casual sex, if you say, "I'm just looking for something casual. You know, I usually see a couple of people at a time, so I, I like to keep it non-exclusive. If that's something you're down for, let me know." If the other person says yes, then [ __ ] great. If they say, "Oh, I don't really uh," then that's a no. You're allowed to leave.

And so what we're talking about here is being upfront, saying what you want, saying, stating very clearly. And you don't have to phrase it exactly like that. There are nice ways of phrasing this stuff. Like, you can say, "Hey, I'm looking for something casual." You don't have to say, "I just want to [ __ ] you." Is that okay? You could be that honest if you want to. You're allowed to say whatever you want. But, you know, you say, "I just want something casual. Is that what you're looking for?" You're basically stating exactly what you're looking for and saying, "Does the other person want this?" You're basically saying, "Here's what I want. Do you want to be on my team? Yes or no?"

"Do you want to win with me? Yes or no?" "Do you want to have a good time together? Yes or no?" "Do you want the same thing I want? Do we want to come together and have some fun together, or do we want to come together and, you know, eventually build a serious relationship?" You're basically saying, "Here's what I want. Are you down? Yes or no?" When you do that, the other person is on your team. You're on the same team as each other. You both know you're going in the same direction. You both want the same thing. You're both going to have a win together.

And so further on the point of, like, saving drama, I guess you would call it. Like, if you're on the same team, whenever you do, and we're talking a little bit more about serious relationships now, whenever you do have, like, a disagreement, because you will, know that the other person is on your team, and they know you're on their team. Even though in some times in the moment, it can be, you know, you kind of forget that when you're in a disagreement, but you remind yourself and you go, "This person isn't my enemy."

During an argument, it's very easy to see the other person as the enemy. But if you have a history, or they have a history with you, of being on the same team, you can stop, take a deep breath, and go, "No, I know this person is on my team." Maybe they're just hurt, or they're angry, or they're confused, or maybe I did something to hurt them, or maybe they did something to hurt me, or whatever it is. Maybe they're just trying to do their best because they're on your team. You'll see them as a teammate, and you'll literally think, "How can I help them win?" Yeah, right now we're in the middle of an argument, but how can I help them win? And because you're trying to think, "How can I make them win?" you empathize with them. You see them as a human, as your teammate, instead of my enemy. You literally cut off 95% of disagreements when you can see the other person as on your team.

And yes, like I said, sometimes this can be a little difficult in the middle of an argument. Sometimes you're thinking, like, "Man, [ __ ] this person." But just knowing that you've started off on the same team, and that it's "you and me versus the world," or "it's you and me together," however you want to phrase it, it really does eliminate, like, 95% of arguments. You literally take a deep breath and go, "I don't want you to be my enemy." The number of times I've said this to my girlfriend, Imogen, or she said that to me when we're right in the middle of a disagreement, and she'll say, "I don't want, I feel like I'm your enemy right now." And I'll be like, "Yeah, I feel like that too. Let's fix that. I don't want you to be." Yeah, let's just take a breath. Take a deep breath. You're on my team. It's like, you seriously solve 95% of arguments before they even start.

Again, even in a casual relationship, you save yourself all this [ __ ] drama of the other person manipulating you, playing games. One of the things that girls always say to me, not always, but like, I've had a ton of girls say this to me, where they say, "You don't seem to play any games." And I'm like, "Yeah, I can't be bothered playing games. Like, I don't have time for games." They're like, "Yeah, but like, you seriously never play games with me. Why are you so honest with me?" I'm like, "Because I can't be bothered [ __ ] playing games." And I don't want you to be the enemy. I literally cannot be bothered. I do not have the time or the energy to be sitting there going like, "Oh, this person thinks I'm the enemy," and then I have to treat them as the enemy.

If ever I feel like someone is my enemy, like I feel like, and this will happen sometimes, especially in a casual relationship where you don't fully know someone that deeply and they haven't fully opened up to you, whenever I feel like the other person isn't on my team, I will stop everything and I was like, "I'll immediately take a pause and I'll be like, 'Hey, hey, listen. It feels like right now we're not on the same team.'" And usually they pause and they think about it and they go, "Yeah, I guess I feel like that too." And then I'm like, "All right, well, let's be on the same team." Usually, just that statement, they go, "Yeah, I get it. Yeah, okay. I guess, I guess I was just playing games, or I was trying to manipulate, or I closed myself off and didn't open up to you, or whatever it is, right? I thought you were trying to hurt me, or I thought you were trying to manipulate me, or I thought you were trying to get me to do something I didn't want to do, because I guess that's what I've done in the past and that's the template that I have." And you go, "Yeah, I don't want to do that." And the person drops everything.

Again, in a serious relationship, in an argument, you just drop everything. But this, it really even applies to casual relationships because you just, you eliminate all the drama, all the games. And guys and girls, isn't that what you're going for? Don't you want to be able to sleep with and date and eventually get into relationships if that's what you want? Don't you want to be able to sleep with and date people that aren't going to play games with you? Don't you want her or him to just come over, you have sex, it's amazing, you hang out for a while, you chat, you say goodnight, text each other afterwards, "Yeah, that was dope. That was really cool. That was amazing. Can't wait to see you next time." And they're like, "Yeah, sure. Can't wait to see you too. That was fun." Isn't that just what you want?

They come over, there's no [ __ ] games, there's just great casual sex, amazing sex, you explore each other's bucket list, you hang out a little bit, you talk, you get to know each other, you know, your friends eventually. Isn't that what you want? Without all the like, "Oh, does he like me? Does he not like me?" And then from the guy's point of view, you know, "Is she really okay with the casual relationship, or is she eventually gonna push for monogamy and like, you know, she really okay with this?" How about you just get out of your own head and say to the person, "I'm on your team. Do you want to be on my team? If so, let's build something [ __ ] amazing together, or let's just have some memories together. Let's just have some crazy good sex together without any games."

You can even phrase it like that. And that's how I phrased it to some girls where I just say like, "Yo, I don't really like playing games ever. And so if you're ever unsure about something, tell me. If you're unhappy about something, tell me. If you ever want to stop seeing me, just tell me. If you're ever busy and you know you want us to take a break from each other and then, you know, bang later, tell me. If there's ever anything you want to do better, tell me. If there's anything on your sexual bucket list you want to try, tell me. If you ever start getting feelings for someone else and you think like, 'Oh, maybe I'll pursue that person and I'll get into a relationship with them,' tell me. If you ever want something more from what you know, you feel unhappy with what I'm giving you, tell me and we can talk about it." You literally just say like, "Tell me whatever the [ __ ] is on your mind. You can just tell me. Like, it's no big deal. We want to talk about it."

That is how you bring someone onto your team. You can even then say, "I like being on the same team with people that I date. I like us to have a win together. I like us to, you know, be on the same page, if you want to call it that." But really, what you're doing is getting the other person to open up to you and be honest. You're giving them permission to be honest and to be completely real with you. Because most people haven't done that in a relationship. They haven't, like, they play these games, they hold back, they're terrified of getting hurt, or they don't want to go all in, or whatever it is. Again, even in a casual relationship, you can be this honest. So give the other person permission, guys. Give yourself permission and go all in, even in a casual relationship. Just be on the same [ __ ] team.

It's hard to have good sex if you're holding back. And that's another thing I haven't even talked about here. When you are on the same team as the person that you're sleeping with, the sex is [ __ ] mind-blowing. Because the person can trust you. Good sex, and when I say good sex, I mean like crazy good sex, like, you know, she's screaming, you know, amazing, amazing sex. Good sex requires trust. Good sex requires intimacy. It requires vulnerability for you to, or for her, to open up and say, "Hey, here's my filthiest fantasies. Here's my dirtiest kinks. Please don't judge me for these. This is the crazy [ __ ] I've never told anyone else. I'd like to try this with you." Or for her to open up and moan and scream and orgasm and squirt and all of that. Cool [ __ ]. They require. It requires trust and vulnerability.

How do you get trust? By being on the same [ __ ] team. You literally get. I've made this point so many times in so many articles. The sex is better when the other person trusts you. Not just like, are more intimate. It's that as well. Not just like, more passionate. It's that as well. But it's also filthier because the other person trusts you and goes, "Okay, they're probably, they've said we're on the same team. They've shown me that they're not going to play games. They've shown me that they're completely honest and non-judgmental." [ __ ] it. "I'll tell them these kinky fantasies I've never told anyone else." You get to see a side of the other person that they haven't shown anyone else because no one else has come to them and said, "Let's be on the same team. Yo, don't play games with me. Yo, just be completely real and honest with me. If something's bothering you, just [ __ ] tell me."

Do you know how few people ever say, "If something is bothering you, tell me, and I won't judge you. We'll talk about it. We'll fix it." [ __ ] nobody says that, especially not in casual sex. And if you are the person that says that, she's like, "[ __ ] it. You know what? I've always wanted to have a threesome. I have a friend, you know, female friend. Would you like to meet her?" And you're like, "[ __ ] dope. Yes." Or she goes, "You know, I've always wanted to have sex in public." And you're like, "[ __ ] that'd be so hot." And she's like, "Let's do it." Well, you know what? "I've always just wanted to be tied up and spanked and, you know, maybe a man makes me call him daddy." And you're like, "Holy [ __ ]. That's hot. Let's do it." And she won't tell anyone that, or she's told very few people that because no one said to her, "Let's be on the same team."

So it's a shortcut to better sex. Obviously, in the context of relationships, and I'll dive into relationships now, it makes things even better. And so in the context of a relationship, I guess I say in the context of everything, including casual relationships, when you are on the same team as someone, it means that you're not seeing things as a zero-sum game. If you don't know what a zero-sum game is, it's where one person has to win, and in order for that person to win, the other person has to lose. And that is, again, like I said before, the way that most people see a casual relationship. It's like, guy wants sex, girl wants connection or relationship, like commitment, and they're both trying to get that, but they're both like having to fight each other until one of them gets what they want, and maybe the other one has to compromise, and they lose a little bit.

That is like, if you're on the same team, you don't even think like that. You're like, "Do you want casual sex?" If she says no, you're like, "Okay, understood. Let me go talk to the next girl." "Do you want casual sex?" And you phrase it nicer than that, you know, you say, "You know, I'm looking for something fairly casual, you know, but ongoing, you know, friends with benefits. Is that what you're up for?" You phrase it like that. But the next girl says no. Okay, cool. Go to the next girl. "Would you like that?" And she's like, "Yeah, I'd be up for that." You're like, "Sweet. Let's do it." That, that's it.

Or if it's relationship, "Hey," and again, don't jump into a relationship as soon as you meet someone. Let it build organically. But maybe you say, "Ultimately, I'm looking for a relationship, something serious. I'm gonna let it grow organically, so I'm not like desperate on the first date. But that is what ultimately I want. I do want to settle down. Like, what about you?" And if she's like, "Yeah, I'd want that eventually." You're like, "[ __ ] sweet. Let's go on a date. Well, let's keep seeing each other. Let's keep sleeping together."

If she says, "Nah, I don't think I'd be there for like five or so years. Like, I just don't think I'm ready." Like, "[ __ ] sweet. Maybe we'll still have casual sex, and I will just keep in my mind that it's not going to lead somewhere, and so I won't put all my expectations and hopes that you will eventually change your mind. I'll just, oh no, so we can have casual sex. That'll be cool. And then when I'm ready to settle down, I'll go find someone else." Or maybe I go, "You know what? No, I don't, I don't really want to spend my time with someone that I know it's not going anywhere." That's cool. I'll go and meet someone where I know they're at least open to a relationship eventually.

And so it's a shortcut. It's a shortcut to like both of you winning. It's a screening tool, essentially. It also builds. When you're in the actual relationship, or when you're sleeping together, but it's the exact opposite of a zero-sum game. It's two people coming together and saying, "I want this. Do you want it? Yes? Cool. Let's make it happen." Rather than this concept of like, "I have to win, and you have to lose."

And in the context of a relationship, I mean, even in a casual one, this still applies to a casual one, but definitely when you're in a serious relationship. In a lot of relationships, when people like have an argument or a disagreement, or even a full-blown like [ __ ] fight, heaven forbid, but, you know, fights will, fights might happen. Hopefully not a lot, but they might happen. You can usually shut them off by the disagreement stage. You can be rational. Even the argument stage, you can take a bit of a break and go like, "All right, I'm not being rational. Neither of you. Let's take a break and talk about this later."

But, you know, in a disagreement or an argument, or even a fight, a lot of people have like, they lose sight, or they, they never had it to begin with, this concept of like, "You and me on the same team." And so what I've noticed a lot of people trying to do in a fight is they'll try and win. And it's like, it can often be win at all costs. And so they'll bring up stuff from the past that is just like, not [ __ ] relevant right now. Or they will bring up stuff they've been holding on to. Like, they'll be like, "Yeah, but you never put the dishes away." And they're like, "Whoa, you never told me that. I don't push the dish. What the, why the [ __ ] are you bringing this up now? What has this got to do with anything?"

Or they'll bring up something they know is going to hurt the other person. They'll be like, "Yeah, well, this is why your friends don't hang out with you as much as you want, because you're a [ __ ]." And you're like, "That was not okay to say when I'm vulnerable in the middle of a fight like that's not okay." And so I've noticed that people, or they'll bring up evidence. You know, it'll be like, "I'm right, you're wrong. I'm a good person, you're a bad person. Here's my evidence as to why I'm right and why you're wrong." And it's this mindset of like trying to win. And in order for that to happen, one of you has to lose. And you get to feel really righteous if you're the winner, but it feels like [ __ ] [ __ ] if you're the loser.

And even when you win, and you feel righteous, you see the impact that you've had on the person that you supposedly care about and want to be happy, and then you feel guilty. And sometimes you double down on it and you go, "No, [ __ ] [ __ ] them for making me feel guilty. I'm gonna be even more of an [ __ ]." Sometimes the guilt gets you and you go, "[ __ ] man, I don't know if that was worth winning that argument." And so it's this concept that most people default to in a, in an argument or a disagreement of like, "I have to be right." People even do this in like friendships and even just like a general, I mean, they definitely do it with politics and stuff like that.

Contentious issues or emotional, emotionally charged issues. I mean, go on Twitter, and most of Twitter is just one person trying to be right, the other person trying to be right, and they just like fight until one of them gives up or one of them has the last word. And sometimes they both think they won, sometimes neither of them think they won. But it's, it's, it's often not being on the same team as the other person. It's two people trying to just [ __ ] win.

And so I want to drill it into you guys that in a disagreement or an argument, whether that's on Twitter, whether that's in a relationship, whether that's your friends, your boss, your car, whatever it is, there doesn't have to be a winner and there doesn't have to be a loser. If you can get it into your head and take a deep breath and remind yourself, "Why don't I try being on the same team as the other person?" I don't have to take from this other person. What if we both win from this? How can we both walk away from this disagreement winning?

And sometimes the answer is like, "Let's just stop." And then we win. Like, "Let's quit while we're ahead." Or even quit while we're behind. At least we won't lose any more. Let's just stop right now. Take a deep breath. Calm down. Maybe we'll come back tomorrow and we'll have a chat, and we're much more rational. We go, "You know what? I didn't even mean half that [ __ ] I said. I don't even think this matters. I was just emotional." And the other person goes, "Yeah, me too." Now you've won. You're on the same team.

Sometimes it's about giving to the other person. You say to them, "I'm gonna give to you. I'm gonna be nice to you right now, even though I'm in a disagreement with you, even though I'm feeling emotional and mad." You know what? "Come here. I'm gonna give you a hug." Give them a hug. And you say, "This doesn't matter." That's you giving to them. And then what happens is they go, "That's really [ __ ] nice of you." And they give something back. And they give you a hug. And they go, "You know what? I don't care." And so it's seeing the other person as your teammate rather than as your enemy that you have to beat and win.

And sometimes when you're in that position where you're, you know, you're in the middle of a disagreement, and then you go, "No, [ __ ], I want to win together." You can literally say, "How do we win?" To, "I want to win with you. I don't, I want to be on the same team issue right now. It doesn't feel like we're on the same team. How do we be on the same team?" And you kind of brainstorm together. You say, "Maybe we just drop this argument all together?" Or maybe, "We just figure out a way, a compromise where we're both happy?" Maybe there's a solution. And there is a solution to every single problem where both people can be happy. I promise you. Every single disagreement can end with both people being happy.

I've spent the last four and a half years with Imogen figuring that out. And every single time we've had a disagreement, even the big ones, the big fights where she goes, "You know what? I don't think, I don't see any way we can both come out of this like getting what we want." And I'm like, "No, there is a solution to this problem. We have to figure it out." And we will sit there. Sometimes it takes days. Sometimes it takes weeks. And then we get to a solution and we're like, "Holy [ __ ], are you happy with this?" "Yes, I would be." "Would you be happy with this?" "Yeah, I would be happy with that solution too." You go, "[ __ ] me. How did we figure that out?" Because we were on the same team.

People who see themselves as on the same teams will overcome adversity, no matter what. We know this from sports. We know this from war. We know this from like, every single time someone builds a team, or if a tribe, or a band of brothers, or whatever, they can overcome anything. Literally [ __ ] anything. They can do the impossible because they're on the same team. They're working towards a common goal together. That's what I'm talking about here. In the context of a relationship, it's you and the other person going, "We will overcome adversity together." This disagreement or this fight, where I'm tempted to see you as the enemy, as the person I have to beat. What if we see this fight as the enemy? What if it's you and me versus this disagreement? What if it's you and me versus this adver, you know, adversarial challenge, this adversity? What if it's you and me versus this disagreement? How do we beat this disagreement? How do we figure out how to get past this and be happy? See the disagreement itself as the enemy if you want an enemy. And it's you two versus that disagreement. When you have that mindset, you will come up with a solution to every [ __ ] problem.

I promise you guys. I promise you. There is not a single problem, no matter how big you think it is, that you can't overcome. And now, sometimes that the way you overcome that is you say, "I think this is a deal breaker. I think we genuinely are not both happy if we go forwards. Maybe we need to split up. You go your own separate pathway, I go my own separate pathway." And we say, "Thank you for the memories." You both win. You. That is far better than you both staying in a relationship you're not happy with. That's you both winning. There is a solution to every single problem.

And by the way, I'm not saying break up as your first [ __ ] solution. That's usually the last solution. But I promise you, there's a solution to every single [ __ ] problem. If you had an Imogen and I have talked about this, if you guys had seen every disagreement and every challenge that we have had together as a couple over the last four and a half years, some of them have seemed truly insurmountable. And I promise you, most people would have broken up in those situations. Absolutely. I would have in the past. You know, Imogen wanted to. And we would sit there and say, "There has to be a solution that we are happy with because we both made a [ __ ] commitment. We both decided we were not going to walk away from this. We were going to build something amazing." What is that solution? And we will sometimes brainstorm for weeks until we, we come up with something. And like I said, I'll say, "Are you happy with this?" She'll go, "Yeah, I would be." And I go, "I, I think I'd be happy with that too. Let's do it. Let's try it. Let's see if it works." And it does. Every single [ __ ] time. There's not been a solution, a problem that hasn't been overcome.

My parents are another good example of this. I've asked my mother, and I've said this many times. My parents are together. They've been together for like 40 years or something. They're really [ __ ] happy. They really love each other. And I've said to her many times, "Why are you and Dad still together? Like, like, give me the the secret sauce. How did you do this?" And one of the things she's really drilled into me is, "You won't always like each other in a relationship, but you can always overcome it. You can always move past it." In other words, you can always figure out a solution to every problem, even when the problem is, "I don't like you right now." You can still figure out a solution to that.

And I have seen my parents go through some [ __ ] hard times together. They have. My dad was depressed for like a year, and he was miserable to be around. He was not nice to be around. The relationship was really, really tested during that time. It was not pretty. And my mother was like, "I know there's a solution to this. I know there is." And she tried a bunch of different things. And eventually, what worked was getting my father to hang out with his friends that he hadn't seen in months because he was depressed. Getting him to go on fishing trips. She had to like reach out to them and say, like, "Please, can you please take my husband fishing? Can you please make him go fishing because he won't listen to me? Like, please." She tried a bunch of other [ __ ] as well. And that started the process of him like coming back to reality and going, "Okay, maybe the universe isn't so depressing after all. Maybe I can be okay. Maybe I can work through this."

And so that's just one example of all the [ __ ] that they've gone through. But the point is, every problem has a damn solution. And when you, you see it as, "It's you and me versus the problem," or "It's you and me versus this challenge," or "It's you and me trying to build this [ __ ] relationship or make it amazing," you come together, and there's no limit to the amount of solutions that you can come up with. There's no limit to the crazy [ __ ] you guys can do and build together. So every problem has a solution. I want to drill that into you guys. No matter how bad things seem, you can fix it.

One extra little thing I want to say on something I talked about before when I was talking about, you know, in a fight, often you think, "I want to be right." You know, "I want to win." I say this to a lot of my clients, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" And recently, I've been reading, and I've been saying this for years, and it's worked. It's funny because recently I read, I'm reading a ton of books by a woman called Byron Katie. Amazing author. If you haven't read her stuff, go start with "Loving What Is." It's a book on stoicism. Great [ __ ] book. But recently, I, I started reading some of her [ __ ] and she has a quote too that's like exactly like mine. I was like, "Holy [ __ ], like this is amazing." Where she says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be free?" Like, free from suffering, free from stress, like happy, essentially.

And so if you can drill that into yourself and say, "In the middle of an argument, do I want to be right right now, or do I want to be happy?" Because I kind of have to pick one. Being right doesn't make you happy. Being right comes to a stress. There's something to defend. You know, that you winning now means the other person is going to fight you even harder next time. You also see them suffering when you're right. That means they had to be wrong. That doesn't feel good. That's not happiness. Happiness is going, "This argument doesn't even matter," or "Let's come up with a solution to this problem," or "Let's figure out a way we can win together."

That's another statement that I like to say to people. "How do we win together?" "Let's have a win together." When you see it as like a choice between being right or being happy, it's like an easy option, isn't it? It's like, "Well, I don't want to be right. I would literally rather be wrong as long as I'm happy, than right." And so pick happiness. Go [ __ ] it. Why are we even having this disagreement? Or let's have this disagreement, but I don't want to win. I want you to win too. It doesn't have to be, "You win and I lose," or "I win and you lose." It can be, "How about we win together?"

Again, it's not a zero-sum game. It doesn't have to be one winner, one loser. It can be two winners. And isn't that better than one winner and a loser? Don't you want your teammate to win with you? Aren't you in a relationship with them because you want them to win? Isn't that why we started this whole thing in the process in the first place? So that you could win, all the people you interact with could win, you could change as many lives as possible, we could all [ __ ] make the world better and win as much as possible? That's way better than being right. [ __ ] being right. The number of times I've ate, like, humble pie and just ate [ __ ] and gone, "You know what? I'm gonna choose to be wrong right now so that I can be happy." Another way of saying that is, "I'm gonna choose to not even [ __ ] care if the other person thinks that they're right and they think I lose." I don't care. I'd rather be happy.

I would always rather be happy than right. There's so much freedom, as Byron Katie would say. There's so much freedom in being happy. There's so much freedom in saying, "This argument doesn't even matter," or "[ __ ] this argument. Let's figure out a way we can both be happy. How do we figure out how to be happy? [ __ ] this argument. I don't want to be right. I want to be happy." So there's so much freedom in that. And when you don't see the other person as the enemy, it's so much easier to just say, "How do we win together?" But if you keep seeing them as the enemy, yeah, you want to fight the enemy. Stop seeing them as the enemy. They're on your team. They're on your [ __ ] team. Otherwise, why did you start this relationship? Even in a casual relationship, why did you stick your penis in them or wrap your [ __ ] around their dick? Like, why did you get together if you wanted to be right and to win and to have an enemy and all of that? No, that doesn't sound very [ __ ] fun, does it? [ __ ] being right. Happiness is nicer.

Sometimes your emotions do get in the way, obviously, and you will lash out at the other person and push them away. That kind of happens. But, you know, you have these moments where your ego doesn't want to let go of being right. Your ego goes like, "[ __ ] this person. I know Andy said being on the same team, but this person's hurting me. This person is betraying me. I'm the [ __ ] victim. They're using me. They're hurting me. I'm angry." Blah, blah, blah. It's like this righteous anger, or this like, that's your ego talking. Obviously, I think we all kind of know that.

"You know what they did is unforgivable." That's not really being on the same team, is it? And I know it's, it can be difficult in the moment. I promise you, I promise you, I promise you, it gets easier the more you do it. I promise you. And what I'm saying is, take a leap of faith. Just one time, when you're in a disagreement, remind yourself of what I said. My words will come back into your head, and you'll say, "What if I try being on the same team with this person?" Just try it once. See what happens. Just try it. Just try. I promise you, it leads to much more peace.

And by the way, being on the same team, the other person might not want to. They might be angry. They might be like, "No, [ __ ] you. [ __ ] you." Sometimes being on the same team is you just going, "I'm not going to fight anymore." Like, if you want to say that you want one. If I, if I walk away and tell them like, "Hey, listen, I'm walking away because I'm going to give myself some space." Don't just like walk off. They'll be like, "Don't [ __ ] walk away from me." But you just say, "Look, I'm, I don't feel like I can be very nice right now, right? I feel like."

I'm very emotional right now. I feel like I just want to hurt you right now, and I don't actually want to hurt you. So, I'm going to go for a walk, or, you know, I'm going to go home. And I'll, I promise we can talk about this tomorrow.

Always say that we can talk about this when I'm feeling calmer and when you're feeling calm. Like, we can talk about this tomorrow. I'm not saying we never talk about this again. That does just make the other person angry. But you say, "We'll talk about this later. I promise we'll come back to this when we're both a bit more calm." But I just need a bit of space.

Sometimes that's how you win. You don't have to force the other person, or you can't force the other person to be on your team. They might not want to be in that moment. But start with, don't expect them to do it first. You do it first. You say, "Let's be on the same team," or, "Let's, I need some space," or, "I'm not going to argue anymore," or, "[ __ ] it, I want to have a win together." Or even just say, "Look, you seem really [ __ ] angry. I'm really [ __ ] angry. I'm [ __ ] angry right now. So are you. Why are we angry at each other? Why the [ __ ] aren't we angry at this problem?"

What if we channel this [ __ ] anger and put it on this problem and come up with a solution to this problem? What if we figure out a way to have a win together? We could be channeling this [ __ ] energy, in this passion, in this rage, and this like violent energy to fix their problem. Like, anger is a really good motivator. It's not a motivator that you want to keep for the rest of your life because it obviously comes with a lot of a cost. But anger is a great short-term motivator. Why don't we use this anger? Channel it and go, "[ __ ] it, like, let's figure out a solution to this problem. Let's fix this. Why are you pissed off at me? Get pissed off at the problem. Why the [ __ ] am I pissed off at you? I'm gonna get pissed off at the problem. So channel that and fix the [ __ ] problem, God, not each other."

And another thing to realize when you're having like a lot of anger is it's usually about you. You're usually not mad at the other person. You're angry at the problem, or you're angry that the expectations didn't work out, or you're angry at yourself and something you've done. The Stoics, as in, you know, the guys into Stoicism, like the olden day Stoics, have said this [ __ ] a million times. Like, nobody can make you angry about you. Nobody betrayed you but you. Nobody made you sad but you.

I know that can seem like a radical notion. But, you know, I'll read out some quotes that I've got here. Epictetus, one of the classic Stoics, said, "Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation." You are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be. That's true. If somebody says to me, "Andy, [ __ ] you, you're a piece of [ __ ]," and I go, "Huh. That's funny. I'm not her, am I?" Or if somebody says, "Andy, you're a shallow, manipulative piece of [ __ ]." I would stop and think, "I don't think I'm shallow or manipulative, or at least I try not to be. No, I don't think that's true. I'm not her, am I?"

But if someone says to me, "Andy, you're a piece of [ __ ]," and I go, "Like, [ __ ] that guy. How could he say that about me? Like, that's a horrible thing to say." I'm now her. I have now cooperated with their insult. I've cooperated with what they've said about me or what they've done to me. Now I am her. And so anger, or hurt, or pain, or frustration, or suffering, really, we're just talking about suffering, requires your cooperation. You have to go along with it. And at any point, you can choose not to. You can take a deep breath. I know it can be difficult. I'm not saying like, "Just don't give a [ __ ]." Take a deep breath. Meditate. Work through it. Take some space. Sometimes cut yourself off from the person. Sometimes do it in a nice way. Don't say like, "[ __ ] you." Like, say, "Hey, I need some space."

You don't have to suffer. Another quote from Marcus Aurelius. My boy, Marcus Aurelius. If you don't know, Marcus Aurelius was like the Roman Emperor, like at the the peak of [ __ ] Roman civilization. He was one of the classic Stoics. Really good guy. Really interesting guy. And he said, "If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgment." Now, exactly what we just said. You can take a deep breath. You can go, "You know what? [ __ ] what this person thinks of me. I don't have to care."

Another quote from Epictetus: "Authentic happiness is always independent of external conditions." Yes, it's not whether you reached your goal, or whether these people were nice to you, or whether girls didn't reject you, or whether you got a relationship from a guy, or that [ __ ]. Yes, that will make you happier. But you can just be happy now. You don't have to rely on that [ __ ]. More to the point, don't say, "I don't have these things, so therefore I'm I'm unhappy. I'm gonna suffer." No, don't [ __ ] put your happiness as conditional on reaching external things. Jesus, that's a sure-fire way to unhappiness. You can choose to be happy right now, in the journey, in the process. Yes, have goals you're working towards. I do. We all do. But don't say, "I'm unhappy until I reach those things." I see so many of you do that. No, be happy now, on the journey. Be grateful that you get to be on this journey, and that you get to climb the mountain, you get to reach those goals, you get to hit that peak, you get to do all of that. Be grateful now. Be happy now.

Another Epictetus quote: "We are not disturbed by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens to us." Byron Katie has a quote, "If you think other people are the cause of your suffering, you're insane." And so the reason that I'm telling you all of these quotes is to remind you guys that the stories, or the beliefs, or the thoughts that we have about ourselves and what happens to us, and, you know, what the other person is doing, or but they, you know, they're they're being mean to me, or my partner's being a [ __ ], whatever it is, that's you making yourself suffer. You can choose to investigate those thoughts and say, "You know, are they really being a [ __ ] or am I just taking it like that?" And even if they are being a [ __ ], I don't have to suffer. I don't have to, as Epictetus says, I don't have to cooperate with that. I can say like, "No, look, I think they're being a bit of a [ __ ] right now, but I'm not going to suffer. I'm not going to let that affect me."

And if it does affect me, I'll take a bit of space and I'll meditate, or I'll go for a walk, or I'll hang out with my friends, or I'll read a book, or I'll listen to a podcast, or I'll do some deep breathing. I'll have some nice food that I like. I'll play video games for half an hour. You know, whatever it is that I need to do, I will choose not to suffer. That sometimes is the best thing you can do to be on the same team as your partner, not entering the suffering on top of them.

And yeah, I guess I'll briefly talk about, I've talked about this in another podcast, so I'll skim over it. Part of being on the same team is not having like expectations, or or not getting ultra disappointed if your partner doesn't do exactly what you want. And so sometimes we have these expectations of like, "My partner should always be nice to me," or "My girlfriend should always be feminine," or "My man should like spend this weekend with me so we can do something nice together." And then when those expectations don't get met, it's very easy to slip into like, "Oh, well, they're the enemy. Like, [ __ ] them. Why aren't they doing what I want? Why aren't they, don't they care about me? They obviously don't take this relationship seriously." That's you treating them like the enemy.

The way that you would treat them like they're on your team is you'd say, "Hey, listen, I really wanted to spend the weekend with you, and I'm kind of disappointed that you didn't seem to want that. Like, can we have a win together? Or can we talk through this?" And the other person will say, "Yeah, I want you to win as well. I want to be on the same team. The reason I didn't hang out with you is because I didn't know it was important to you, or I was busy, or blah, blah." And then you can work through that problem. But don't hold your problems close to your chest. That's not being on the same team.

It's the other thing I see people do, closing themselves off and not talking and saying, "Yo, hey, this bothers me," or "Yo, can we fix this? Or can we talk about this?" or "Yo, like, what was going on here?" Holding your cards close to your chest and not opening up and being real and [ __ ] authentic and honest, that's not being on the same team. A big part of being on the same team is being deeply honest.

Another quote from Marcus Aurelius here: "When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you will feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of evil, oh sorry, your sense of good and evil may differ from this, in which case they're misguided and they deserve your compassion." Is that so hard? So maybe rewind and listen to that quote again.

The gist of what he's saying is, if your partner, if it seems like they're your enemy, or they seem to be doing something that hurts you, ask yourself, "What good or harm did they think would come of it?" They're doing it for a reason. They're saying what they're saying for a reason. Maybe they thought something good would happen. Maybe they're lashing out because they're in an emotional state and they're hurt. Whatever it is, if you can understand, or at least try and understand where they're coming from, that stops this feeling of like, "It's me versus them."

Empathy is a big part of like being on the same team. You don't have to be like the most empathetic person, but just understanding like, "They're probably trying to get something out of, like, the reason they've said this is because they're hurt, or because they're trying to have a win." How can I understand that? And then I can kind of emotion, like, I can empathize with them. And then I can see how we can have a win together. I can sort of see things from their point of view, and then I can explain things from my point of view, and we can come together and see if we want to have a win.

And as Marcus Aurelius goes on to say, often your sense of good and evil is exactly the same as theirs, or like pretty close to it. And so it's not that they're trying to do something that hurts you. It's just that they're lashing out, or, or they had a reason for doing what they're doing. And when you try and, when you label what they're doing as like bad, or evil, or wrong, or "they're being a [ __ ]," or "he's being an [ __ ]," you're not being on the same team. You're not empathizing with them.

So try and have just a little bit of empathy and say like, "Why?" Even if you just say to yourself, "Why do I think they're doing what they're doing?" That's a decent way to empathize. You can kind of go through the context and say, "Well, you know, they did have a hard week at work, and maybe that's why they've come home and they're not being super nice to me." They did have a hard week at work. And so you can literally say, "Did you have a hard, like, I know you had a hard week at work. Can I do something nice for you? Is there something I can do? Or do you want some space? Or do you want to cuddle?" And often they go, "Yeah, I do want to cuddle." And you give them a cuddle, and they're like, "I really needed that. Thank you." Now you're on the same team.

So I want to make it clear that a little bit of empathy, or just even understanding, or questioning why they're doing what they're doing, you often like dig deeper and go, "Oh, they have motives for doing what they're doing. Oh, I get it. Okay, I can work with those motives, and we can have a win together."

Just checking through my notes to see if there's anything else I want to cover here. So give me a second. Yeah, one extra thing I'll make clear is, you know, I, I talked about, tell the other person that you're on the same team as them. You can do that in casual relationships. Like, I had this conversation with Imogen. I've had this conversation with plenty of girls that we date where I just say, like, "Yo, let's be on the same team." Or like, you can phrase it as, "You know, I don't like games. So I'd appreciate, like, I just like it if you be completely honest with me. I promise I'll be honest with you. Just, just share and tell me whatever's up. If you're ever not happy, tell me. If you're ever bothered by something, tell me. If you ever want something else from the, you know, us sleeping together, tell me. Like, if you ever want to try some more kinky [ __ ] or hang out more or less, or like, just tell me. Just tell me."

Having that conversation is the surest, like, quickest way to get the person on your own team. Like, and sometimes you might have to remind them of that a little bit again. Most people are not used to having this like, "You and me on the same team" sort of relationship or dynamic. It's not the default. She might have to remind them. But just like explaining right from the start, "I want us to be on the same team," that's the shortcut. Or, "I want us to not have drama and not play games."

I'll also make it clear, I think I've made it pretty clear, that you're not always going to have them on the same team. You, you try your best. And where Imogen and I are at right now, we're on the same team 99.99999% of the time. And any time we're not, we'll be like, "Whoa, hey, you're kind of treating me like the enemy right now." And the other person will go, "[ __ ] yeah, I was." "Okay, okay, [ __ ]. How do we get back to being on the same team?" Like, we're pretty much, it's pretty sorted at this point. That took us quite a few years to get to. And so be patient with yourself. If sometimes you do accidentally treat them like the enemy, because that's the default. Our ego wants us to treat them like the enemy. And be patient with them. Don't be like, "All righteous and go, 'You're supposed to treat me like I'm on the same team, and right now you're being the enemy, and that means you're being bad.'" It's like, be patient. This stuff does take a while to build the habit of.

The good news is, the more you build it, the easier it gets. I promise. You'll get so much easier after you've done it once, twice, three times. The other person will also start to trust you because they go, "Oh, [ __ ], this person wants me to be on the same team. Good things happen when I do. Yeah, I want to do this more. Let's do it more." So it gets easier. I promise.

It is unrealistic to think that you will always be on the same team, especially at the start. Like, be patient. And I'll also make it clear that you can't force the other person to be on your team. Let's make that clear again. Don't be all like, "Well, I'm being on the same team, but you're not." That's not really being on the same team, is it? You're kind of being the enemy with that person. You're saying, "I'm better than you. I'm on the team, but you're letting us down." That's not really what a teammate would do. They'd be like, "Yo, hey, how can we be on the same team?" And if the person isn't ready to be, like, "I understand. Maybe you need a bit of space. Maybe I'll get some space. Let's come back when we're feeling a bit better." And then when they come, you can say like, "Hey, you know, how do we get back to being on the same team?" That's being on the same team, rather than throwing it in their face and saying, "You're not on the same team right now. You're being bad. You're being a naughty person. You're not on my own team."

And a big part of that is having your own life going on, so that if there is a disagreement in a relationship, or even a friendship, or a casual relationship, you go and do your own [ __ ] and then come back when they're calm. Like, go do your own thing. Hang out with your friends. Have your own goals. You want to be doing that stuff anyway, but especially in terms of like a disagreement.

So pretty much, that's all I wanted to say. I will summarize. I say, "All I wanted to say." This is a 50-minute [ __ ] podcast. I just bumped the camera, didn't I? There we go. So I'll summarize. Being on the same team, like you and me, really is a goddamn game-changing thing for a relationship, even just like casual relationships, for business relationships, for friendships. Like, being on the same team means you're working towards the same goal. You have like a common good, like a greater calling, a higher purpose. Like, "Yo, I want us to be happy. I want us to win together. I want to have a great [ __ ] life." If you're in a relationship, "I just want us to have amazing sex." It's like something that you're both working towards. And when you're on the same team, there will be less of that like drama, games, arguments, less disagreements, less fights, less arguments, all of that [ __ ]. It's like, "We're on the same team." So, you know, I wrap up there.

If you guys would like to be on the same team as me, look at that segway. Hit me up for coaching. I would love to be on your team. I've got group coaching. Everyone in the group can be on your team. Obviously, one-on-one coaching, you and me get to be on the same team. And finally, like, that is a very big core part of my coaching. It really is. Like, I sit down with everyone, I say, "Yo, if you ever unhappy, tell me. If there's anything else you would like me to do for coaching, like tell me. If you ever feel like withdrawing and shutting yourself off and not showing with the group because maybe you've had a bad week, or you're a little embarrassed, or you haven't had the success you want, and some guys get, you know, worried with that [ __ ]. They're like, 'What if I don't do a good job? What if everyone else in the group is killing it and I'm not?'" I say to them, "Yo, dude, we're all on your team, dude. We want to see you win." And even if you jump on the group and say, "Hey man, you know, hey guys, I'm not winning right now. I feel like I've had a [ __ ] week. [ __ ] tell us. Like, we're on your team, dude. Please don't like shy away and close yourself off and say like, 'I can't do this.'"

And I'll, I'll say this to all of you listening. One of the biggest, one of my challenges as a coach and someone who obviously wants to sit down with you and [ __ ] change your life is people have all these like limiting beliefs as to why they won't sign up for coaching. It's like, "I don't have the money. Now's not the right time." You know, probably the biggest one is, "I'm worried that I won't be a good fit for the group," or "I'm worried that I won't do a good job," or "I'm worried that everyone else in the group will kill it and I will let everyone down." That last one is probably the biggest one that people say. Well, they're like, "I'm just worried that I won't be good enough and I'll let everyone in the group down." That's not being on the same team.

Part of being on the same team is like opening yourself up and being vulnerable and saying, "Yeah, I might disappoint some people. I might not have a great week." By the way, you won't disappoint anyone. Everyone in the group is [ __ ] nice. I'm going to be really [ __ ] nice. But I understand the, the nervousness or the fear. The fear of like, "I won't do a good job and everyone else will be killing it." That's not being on the same team. You have to understand everyone in the group, and me obviously, even everyone in this community, all the guys in the comments section, everyone on my forums, we want you to win. We want to wrap you up in our [ __ ] arms and give you a hug and be like, "Bro, like, we got this. You, you got this, man. If you're having a bad week, tell us, bro. We'll lift you up. We're on your [ __ ] team."

You're not being on the same team if you close yourself off and say, "I'm not good enough." That's you pushing us away. You're pushing me away when you say, "I'm worried that I won't do a good job." You're pushing me away. You're pushing the group away. You're pushing this community away. So don't push people away. Give yourself that opportunity. Hit me up for coaching. I'm right [ __ ] here. I'm here to change your life. I'm right here. Use me. Obviously, after that, you guys know what to do. Go crush your goals. But guys, I'm right [ __ ] here. Don't push us away. Don't push yourself away. If you want coaching, sign up. I'll leave a link in the description below.