Transcription
Everybody, shh. Uh, Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay. Thanks. Hi. Um, I want to start with a song that's about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is really all about. Okay, here we go.
[Music]
Okay, thank you very much. New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour, but to me it is not scary, cuz I stay away from dairy. You know what I just realized? Joker is poker with a J. Coincidence? Hey, that's that's Joe in with a C. My tin foil hat? No, cuz you need that. No, it's okay. Thanks. Please let me do something. Okay. All right, I'll tell you what: you buy me a soda, and then we're…
[Music]
Evening. Keep the change. Thanks, Lizzy. Sure you don't want a pretzel? No, I'm fine. Thanks. See you. Huh. A thumb. I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there like this tiny little hitchhiker. Well, maybe it's a contest, you know, like collect all five. We end up with these jerks. We're good people. I don't know. We're like some kind of magnets. I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch. There's more beer, right? Oh, you know my friend Abby, who shaves her head? She says that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual. Fees. This woman is voluntarily bald. Yeah, so we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day; it's perfect. Okay. Well, what kind of ritual? Okay, we can um, we can burn the stuff they gave us, or or or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks. Burning is good. Burning is good. Yeah, I just… St a burd. Okay, so now we need um, sage branches and the sacramental wine. All I had is is oregano and a fresa. Um, that's okay. Okay, okay. All right. Now we need the… seen of a righteous man. Okay, Phoebe, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. Can we just start throwing things in? Um, yeah. Okay. Oh, okay. Um, okay. Barry's letters, Adam Ritter's boxer shorts, and I have the receipt for my dinner with Nulu. Here, a picture of Scotty Jared naked. He's wearing a sweater. No. E…
[Applause]
E. Okay, and here we have the last of Paulo's graa… wait, Rachel, isn't that almost pure… what do we got there? Piece of silk, boxer shorts, some greeting cards, looks like a half-charred picture of… wow, that guy's hairier than the…
[Laughter]
…chief. You know, it's a really funny story how this happened. It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control. If you're our third call tonight… really? Oh, sure. Valentine's, our busiest night of the year, but we get off around midnight. Why don't we pick you up then? Okay, great. So, um, will you bring the truck? I'll even let you ring the bell. See you later. Bye. Later. See you. Oh my God. See? There you go. The cleansing works. You're right. You're a nice guy. Oh, they’re firemen.
[Music]
Guy… you guys tell them you were married? No way. You're kidding. My girlfriend doesn't know. I'm not going to tell them. Chandler's coming, and he says he has like this incredible news. So when he gets here, let's all act like… you know… hey, hey. Okay, never mind. But it was going to be really good. What's going on? All right, what'd you do with them? You're awake. Look at you. How do… how do you feel? Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay. Gosh, you look good. I feel good. Who are you? Sorry. I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you. Well, we both have. So the… edge of sketch is from you guys? Well, actually, it's just from me. Yeah, I got you the foot massager. You know who shaved you? That was me. I read to you. I sang. Ha. Well, thanks. Oh, my pleasure. You're welcome. So I guess I'll see you around. What? That's it? See you around. Well, what do you want me to say? Well, I don't know. Maybe… that was nice. Admit something to me. I'll call you. All right, I'll call you. I don't think you mean that. This is so typical. You know, we give and we give and we give, and then you just get nothing back. And then one day it's just… you know, you wake up and see around. Let's go, Phoebe. You know what? We thought you were different, but I guess it was just the coma. Oh God, you should have seen him. Read him and wait, and then he did. Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us? Yeah, what is that? Like some kind of guy thing? Like some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play? No women are welcome to play? Oh, okay. So then what is it? Some kind of, you know, like… like some kind of, you know, like… all… what is it? There just don't happen to be any women in our game? Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker. Oh, please. That is such a lame excuse. I mean, it's… it's a typical guy response. Excuse me, do any of you know how to play? No? Huh. Wow. It's huge. So much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube. Look at this. Oh, you have a window. Yes indeedy. With a beautiful view of… oh, look, that guy's peeing. Okay, that's enough for the view. All right, check this out. Look at this. Okay, sit down here. Sit. Okay. Okay. This is great. This is great. Helen, could you come in here for a moment? Thank you, Helen. That'll be all. Last time I do that, I promise. I need some milk. Okay, I've got milk. Here you go.
[Laughter]
Better? No. Oh, I feel so stupid. Oh, I think about the other day with you guys, you know, and I was all, oh, P, he's so great, he makes me feel so… God, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I'm the one he hit on. Baby, I… he… D him on you. If I had never met him, this would have never happened to you. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, wait. Oh, what are we sorry about? I don't know, right? He's the pig. Such a pig. Oh God, he's such a pig. He… he's like a big disgusting pig. Pig man. Yes. Good. Okay, P… oh, but it was my pig man. How did I not see this? Oh, I know, because he's gorgeous and he's charming, and when he looks at… okay, okay. The end. Oh God, should I not have told you? No, no. Trust me, it's… it's… it's my much better that I know. I just liked it better before it was…
[Music]
Better. Hi, guys. Hey, B. Hey. Hey. Oh, oh. How'd it go? Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said we should do this again. What? You said we should do it again? That's good, right? Uh, no. Loosely translated, “we should do this again” means you will never see me naked. Since when? Since always. It's like dating language, you know, like “it’s not you” means it is you, or “you’re such a nice guy” means I’m going to be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you, or… or, you know… um, “I think we should see other people” means I already am. Hey, Phoebe, guess who we saw today? Oh. Oh, fun. Okay. Um… Liam? No. Marley? Safer? No. The woman who cuts my hair? Okay, look, this could be a really long game. Your sister, Ursula? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. She works over at that place… riffs? Yeah, I know. Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years. Mhm. Yeah. So, um, is she fat? Not from where I was standing. Where were you standing? Um, Phoebe, so you… you guys just don’t get along? It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know, and… oh, oh. She was the first one to start walking, even though I did it later that same day. I’m so sorry, you guys. I didn’t mean to bring you down. No, you were right. I don’t have a plan. Pizza guy. Thank God. Phoebe, what? Do you have a plan? I don’t even have a… PL… Hey. Hey. How was the first day? Oh, excellent. Everyone was so… so nice. See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. Me? No, I didn’t tell anybody that I knew you. Why not? Well, because, you know, they don’t like you. What? I thought you’d knew that. Nuh-uh. Who doesn’t like me? Everyone except for… no, everyone. What are you talking about? Don’t feel bad… bad… you know, they used to like you a lot, but then you got promoted, and you know, now you’re all like… Mr. Boss Man, you know… Mr. Bing… Mr. Bing… Boss Man Bing. I can’t believe it. Yeah, yeah. They even do… you… they do me… you know, like… um… okay… um… could that report be any later? I don’t sound like that. Oh, oh, yeah, you do. The hills are alive with the sound of music. Looks like she didn’t leave in such a hurry after all. Oh, I think this is the episode of Three’s Company where there’s some kind of misunderstanding. Then I’ve already seen this one. Are you through with that? Yeah, sorry. The swallowing slowed me down. Whose little ball of paper is this? Oh, that would be mine. See, uh… I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn’t need the note, so I balled it up, and now I wish I was dead. She already fluffed that pillow, Monica. You know, you already… fuff… but it’s fine. Look, I’m sorry, guys. I just don’t want to give them any more ammunition than they already have. Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child’s pillow. Monica. Hi. Um… Monica… um… you’re scaring me. I mean, you’re like… you’re like all chaotic and twirly, you know, and not… not in a good…
[Music]
…way. Ben, you ready? Yeah. All right, give me your foot. Okay, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Come on, man. Okay, that’s it. Okay. Okay. What are you… see? Well, Susan, I see… to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is, in fact, a dark vent. Phoebe, it’s open. It’s open. Wait, you forgot your legs.
[Music]