12 RSD Hacks That ACTUALLY Work

12 RSD hacks that actually work. And this episode's important because I feel like over the last 12 months, there's been a huge uptick in awareness around what RSD is, what it feels like, what it can do to somebody, the impact it can have on the person's life. But I feel like the next step is really understanding, okay, I have RSD, I know that. What can I do to alleviate the the pain that it causes? What things can I put around myself to help me actually live with it?

Um, and I feel like maybe to set the foundation of the episode, it might be interesting just to recap of what it actually is, what it feels like, and then we'll go into the 12 hacks that that really help you live with it.

>> Cool. Yeah. I mean, everyone talks about RSD and just how agonizing it is.

>> Yeah. It feels like a punch to the chest when when it's triggered.

>> I just wish someone would write a book about it. Well, it's such a big topic that I'm so passionate about and I did write a book on it and it's called Why Does Everybody Hate Me? Living and Loving with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria because that's how it makes you feel a million times a day that everyone does hate you when they don't. You're not too sensitive. You have rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Well, especially with phones where you're in contact with everyone all the time, the feedback you can just anything you receive from someone, you can you can change it in your head to be a negative thing if you're prone to RSD.

>> Oh, absolutely. RSD in the absence of any positivity or, you know, clear affirmation or acceptance from somebody, you jump to the worst case scenario. You always feel like you're in trouble. You always feel like you're a nuisance to whoever you're with. That your presence is annoying. Every little tiny tone of voice, shuffle of footstep, heavy heavier door slam, you pick up on and you make it about yourself. You think that that person hates you? Which is why my book is called Why Does Everybody Hate Me?

Um, and I think to set the stage, I think I'll I'm going to read the first paragraph, just to remind everyone what RSD is, where it comes from.

>> Great. Looking forward to it. This is an exclusive.

>> Yes, this is Yeah, the book's not out yet.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, the book you can pre-order it now with the link in the description, but it is out on March the 24th. Children with ADHD hear 20,000 more micro rejections than a neurotypical child. You're embarrassing yourself. Why are you being lazy? Stop biting your nails. Why are you crying? Stop being dramatic. You're too sensitive. You're really rude. Stop being weird. Stop fidgeting. Calm down. Be normal. Stop it. Even nonverbal rejections like an eye roll. This turns them into adults who experience something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It causes extreme emotional pain when someone rejects or criticizes them. One tiny comment, like a friend saying they're too busy to see them, can trigger a nervous system collapse that feels like they're being attacked. And it means they can't do anything unless it's perfect. They stay in the office 4 hours later than others. They stay up all night to complete the work to a high standard. They work obscenely hard simply to protect themselves from the emotional pain that comes when their boss makes a tiny correction to their work. They fear disappointing people. This turns them into people pleasers. They abandon their own wants and needs to satisfy the wants and needs of others. They're always over apologizing. They hide their suffering because they don't want to cause a fuss or let anyone down. But they're crumbling inside, drinking or eating in secret, silently imploding emotionally, filled with sadness and shame. They avoid making decisions. It feels safer to avoid the conversation. They don't apply for that promotion. They stay in that abusive relationship. They let that friend keep walking over them. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is exhausting, debilitating, and dangerous. Which is why I wrote this book. I've spoken to every rejection sensitivity dysphoria expert in the world during the writing process. And I've condensed all of my learnings, tips, and strategies into this book. I wish I could read this book to my younger self. Always remember, you're not too sensitive. You are not broken. You have rejection sensitivity dysphoria and you have always been enough. We know that RSD is incredibly painful, but as I've mentioned, I really want to dive into actually like what we can do to alleviate the pain. There's over 60 strategies, tips, coping mechanisms in the book, but I think for the purpose of this episode, you've randomly chosen 12.

>> Yeah. 12 that I thought would be important to the general public. But to be honest, there's so much good stuff in there that it's just a random 12. But we couldn't fit all 60 into this hour, could we? Or half an hour. Should we start?

>> Let's do it.

>> Yeah.

>> So, number 12 is give it a name. Name your RSD. I call mine Dave the dragon. And when I feel RSD triggered, when I feel that intense sadness, when I feel that intense anger, rage, when I feel that shame, I hold my RSD out in front of me. I hold Dave the dragon out in front of me. And by holding it out in front of me, I'm able to separate it from myself. And I can tell myself that RSD is very real and the pain that comes with it is very real, but it's not based in reality. RSD is a response caused by those 20,000 horrible messages that I had when I was a child. It's been triggered by the comment that someone's made to me today. That thumbs up emoji in response to a text message I've sent or I've noticed a slight change in tone in my partner's voice.

That's reminded my nervous system and snapped it back to those 20,000 horrible comments and in the moment when I feel that I can hold the RSD out in front of me I can hold Dave the dragon in my hand. And it's a reminder that yes RSD is very real but it's not based in reality and therefore it takes away a lot of the power that it has over me and it stops that shame spiral from from escalating really quickly.

>> Mhm. I guess it also gives you some perspective as well if you visualize it as this small thing in front of you. It's like zooming out and you see the world is this tiny thing and then you're worried about receiving a text message of a friend. It makes it seem so insignificant, doesn't it? If you zoom out in that way and you hold it in front of you.

>> Absolutely. It can be so easy when you're feeling that intensity to feel like the world's come crumbling down, everybody hates you, when in fact you're responding to all of those horrible comments you had as a child. And and what's really important in that moment is to remind yourself that those comments or being the recipient of all of those nasty messages that they weren't your fault.

>> Mhm. Because the world is calibrated to neurotypical standards and you're neurodivergent and because of that you put out various differences to the world and unfortunately the world that is set to neurotypical standards. It's jarring to them and therefore you will receive nasty comments that remind you of your difference. But that's not your fault. You are just different. And when you remind yourself in the moment today that this feeling is in response to comments that weren't your fault, that also goes a long way to reduce a lot of the shame that comes with RSD.

>> Good advice. And also nothing against people named Dave.

>> Yes.

>> You could be setting off their RSD by saying that.

>> Yes. Yeah. Sorry any Davees listening.

>> Yeah. Or any dragons listening.

>> I don't know why I called it Dave the dragon. It's a dragon because it is I don't want to take away the impact and the intensity of RSD. It's very real, but also it's not based in reality and and and dragons aren't based in reality either. So, it's a good for me. It's a reminder to say that my response is valid and it's real today, but it's not based in the reality of what that person said. What that person has said has reminded me of all of those horrible comments that happened years ago. And those weren't my fault. And therefore, neither is my reaction to those comments today.

>> I'd love a little dragon in my hand, wouldn't you?

>> I can I can buy you one. I'll get you one for the next recording.

>> I'd love one of those.

>> What would you call your dragon?

>> Well, it's got to be Dave now, hasn't it?

>> Dave the dragon.

>> Yeah.

>> Maybe we should get We should We should do merchandise. Dave the Dragon.

>> Yeah. AHD Shatter merch.

>> Yeah. Right on to number 11.

>> Number 11 is the fact that RSD hates evidence that contradicts how it makes you feel about yourself. RSD makes emotion feel like fact. And what we can all do is build up a list of facts that contradict how it makes us feel about ourselves. So I have on my phone app a a list of my strengths, my small wins, my positive things that I feel good about myself. So when RSD strikes and I feel that intense emotional response, I can whip out my phone and suddenly read my list of qualities. And when we do that, when we have such blatant evidence in front of our face that contradicts how we're feeling in this moment, then it instantly kind of goes a long way to to stop that spiral from happening.

>> It's kind of like, do you know remember those velvet pillows you get like sequined pillows?

>> Oh, yes.

>> That you can addictive.

>> You run your hand down it and then it changes color and then you run it back.

>> I feel like RSD is a bit like that. The one comment can flip you all into one different color and then your list that you're just mentioning there of all your good points. You read that and it flips you back to the original color.

>> It's a great analogy, a great visual and it's so true. And I feel like to complement that tip probably to have a trusted person or a partner or a friend that you can call up and they can remind you of your list too.

>> Sometimes the the emotions can take over. The response is so visceral. It's so intense. Like it feels like someone's put barbed wire around your heart and tightened it.

>> To have somebody that you can just call and say like I'm I'm in it right now. I'm feeling RSD. and they can read you your list of of positives, too.

>> Just make sure that they're not either driving at the time or operating heavy machinery.

>> Yes.

>> It's like uh who wants to be a millionaire? Who which friend are you going to call?

>> Yeah.

>> Um, but the prize isn't a million pounds. It's a sense of well-being. Um, okay. Right. Moving on to number 10.

>> Number 10 is remove yourself. And once you're triggered, if you feel that intense feeling, if you're in the workplace, if you're in your relationship and something's happened, a comment has happened and you can feel that intense feeling. Remove yourself from the situation before you respond, put a pause between the event that's triggered you and your response to it.

>> Mhm.

>> I mean, a big part of that is remembering that it will go away because that feeling when you get struck by something and your RSD flares, you feel like, God, this is it forever. But you got to remember it will go away probably in a couple of minutes. So, the removing yourself is really good, really good advice.

>> Yeah. Because if you respond in the moment, if you lash out or you get into an argument, then the other person's likely to retaliate. That's likely to trigger your RSD further. That's going to escalate their response. And quite suddenly you can get into this escalation and it can it can escalate so quickly to you storming out of your job or you storming out and saying I want a divorce or I'm I'm quitting and I can't do this anymore and then you come down quite quickly but so much damage has been left behind and you sort of have to come back with your tail between your legs and apologize or say I didn't mean that. But because the the the response is to RSD are often so disproportionate to the comment or the event that's triggered you.

>> Yeah.

>> Because like we said earlier, you're not responding to the here and the now, the person in front of you. Your nervous system has been reminded to those 20,000 horrible messages and and that's where you're at. You're you're you're at that level of intensity. It's like all of those 20,000 emotional cuts have come back at the same time and you just see rage or you see intense sadness. And it's just so important to to recognize that feeling and stop yourself, catch yourself before you respond and remove yourself from the situation. Like give yourself time to regulate. Which leads me on to the next point um really nicely, which is to try and slow down that emotional response. And for example, if if you're at work, like and you you remove yourself by taking yourself to the bathroom, that's maybe your safe space, your little pause area. And the things I do in those moments is to really focus on my breathing, like 4 seconds in, 6 seconds out, and repeat that five to six, seven times. And you'll notice a complete shift in in your regulation quite quickly.

>> Yeah. I mean, the bathrooms here are just full of people removing themselves from their RSD episode.

>> Yes, I know. Yeah.

>> You can't even get in there.

>> Yeah.

>> There should be little RSD rooms maybe.

>> Like boos.

>> Well, abs in an ideal world, but I feel like, you know, we're a long way off from total accommodations. You know, sadly, sometimes the bathroom is the only available option. I wish there was a a safe space and a sensory room and a quiet space, but I think we're a long way off that. But bathrooms do can can serve as a a good middle ground. Put your hands under cold water, splash some water on your face, shake your hands around, stim, regulate yourself, give yourself time to decompress, and to bring your nervous system back down to a base level. What really helps when you're in the bathroom is to is to look at things around you. Like try and really pay attention to five things that you can see, five things you can smell, five things that you can touch. Almost like ground yourself. The goal isn't to suppress the feelings. It's to give you time to think rather than react in the moment.

>> Mhm. Taking your mind consciously taking your mind elsewhere. Could be something as simple as like wiggling your big toe and trying to do it individually to all or or you know just anything that stops you from reacting. We had Dr. Samantha Hugh on the podcast, didn't we? And it's not always accessible. But she said that to regulate yourself and to bring you down super fast, you can distract the nervous system by biting down on ice, which I thought was an interesting one. Ice isn't obviously always available, but running your hands under cold water has a similar effect. It's just about distracting your nervous system, grounding yourself because your nervous system is the nervous system of someone with RSD can't tell the difference between a benign comment from your boss saying, "Oh, the second paragraph in that work you just submitted, can we talk about how that could be changed?" They can't tell the difference between that comment and a line attacking you in a wood. Your response is the same and it's no wonder therefore you might just decide this is too much I need to get out and quit this job and storm out but then you come down from that and you're like oh actually no I need to pay my rent and that job actually isn't too bad. And all of that can be avoided if rather than you storming out you just take that 5 minutes away in the bathroom go through those grounding exercises and then reapproach the situation with a much clearer head. Yeah.

>> Yeah. Fighting down an on ice. I like that idea.

>> You never get stressed people who live in the Arctic Circle.

>> True.

>> For that reason.

>> Number eight of the 12 taken from the book.

>> The number eight is to always question the story that you have formed in your head. When RSD is triggered, for example, you could be in the pub after work with some of your colleagues and you hear somebody approach one of your colleagues and say, "Hey, Jasmine, I can't wait for your birthday party next week." And you think, "I wasn't invited to that." And you suddenly think, "Everyone hates me. Jasmine thinks I'm useless. Nobody actually likes me." And you quickly form this horrible story in your head. And I think in that moment, it's really important to to question that story.

>> Mhm.

>> And to ask yourself, what actual evidence do I have that this group of people hates me? Is there another explanation as to why I might not be invited to that party?

>> Mhm.

>> For example, it's a totally different table that you've got nothing to do with. I would that would set off my RSD. Even something like that. I don't even know these people and there there's a party and I haven't been invited.

>> Well, the context is like often some of these companies are really big and you could be out with a group of 10 people, you don't know all of them. A couple of people are there perhaps from a different department or who work on a different floor than you and it's just a different social circle. So, when someone comes over and asks Jasmine, who you don't really know that well either, if they're going to the party or they're excited for the party, like there is a a tangible reason why that invitation wouldn't have reached you because you're in a different part of the company and yet in the moment RSD doesn't see the nuance. It doesn't see the context and you just everyone is going to this party and you're the only person who's not. And also fast forward to the day of the party. You probably don't want to go anyway. You should thank your lucky stars you weren't invited to Jasmine's party.

>> Yeah, exactly. On the day it's like, oh, well, now I've got to bloody figure out what to wear.

>> It's going to be over stimulating. I'm going to have to probably over share my trauma again. I'm not going to sleep for days.

>> Yeah. And imagine the things you might say at the party that you'll be regretting the next day.

>> Then you will have to leave the job in your head at least.

>> Exactly. Yeah. So I I think thank god that you weren't invited to Jasmine's party.

>> Yeah. Good.

>> That's probably quite a boring one as well.

>> You know, it it's asking these questions is not a g is not about gaslighting yourself. I feel like even, you know, even RSD might pop up a pop up in your head and say, "Oh, I can I can reframe the story or question the story, but I'm just gaslighting myself. You know, the fact is I'm not liked and maybe I should have been invited." But you're just adding a wider perspective. And often when you zoom out and you sort of widen the lens and then you see the context and the nuances of what I said like okay different department these guys don't work on your floor then by widening the perspective you see the additional context that actually adds a credible reason as to why the invitation didn't reach you.

>> Mhm. Yeah. There's always other sides of the story that you don't realize at the time isn't there? If you sit down and you think about it and be rational about it, there's loads of reasons why you wouldn't be invited.

>> Rational is the enemy, isn't it, of RSD. It's the RSD is the emotional tsunami which shuts down the logical side of the brain. Intentionally trying to reactivate the the rationale and the logic. You you you you squash and turn the volume down on the emotional response.

>> Rational is the white knight with a sword to Dave the dragon. being RSD.

>> Yes.

>> Right. We're on to number six.

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>> Right, we're on to number six.

>> Number six, create an alternative story in your head to the one that RSD is telling you. So, actually write down three alternative scenarios that would explain what they've said to you. So rather than defaulting to I hate you, you could write down maybe they're busy, maybe they're distracted or maybe they're dealing with their own issues right now. When you default to rejection, it really helps to write down other possibilities to add context and to snap you out of that they hate me mindset. It's so um important to remember that everyone's dealing with their own stuff and that they're not against you. They're just they're just for themselves. And most people are, I think, remembering that God, I don't know what they're going home to or what's going through their head. Makes you take things not as personally, I find.

>> Yeah. I mean, it's it's the um when you zoom out and you see that you're just almost like a often a non-playable character in someone else's story and you when you have that realization, so much of the worries in your head that you have over how you're coming across or how other people are perceiving you are just not true. They're, as you said, too worried about having the the same worries, the same concerns, the same internal anxiety over how they're coming across. Everyone's having the same feelings and they're insecure and they're dealing with things that other people have said. Number five, so this one's called the rejection collection and it's really, really simple. It's just about storing past events in a list. Events where you felt that you were rejected, but actually after all of that overthinking and panic, it turned out to be a positive outcome. So as in like looking at things through the lens of hindsight and seeing where you were wrong in the past.

>> It depowers RSD when you have actual physical evidence of it being wrong and how your panic and dread and shame in that moment was not a representation of how that person felt towards you and it was just your RSD.

>> It wasn't again it wasn't a representation of the reality of that day. I get that a lot with social media. You see your crush upload a picture and there's a male hand in it and you're like, "Who is that?" And then it turns out to be their brother.

>> So that sort of thing.

>> I mean, it's it's when you and you do you store that as evidence where you can now say, "Oh, that hand in that new picture, maybe my RSD is wrong."

>> Exactly. Yeah. So it it gives me that perspective of you're not always right. Don't always trust your gut in a way. I think it just opens up another possibility because the gut is strong and sometimes you know that hand might be a genuine threat and there are genuine threats out there and we have to be privy to those but I think it generally helps to open up another possibility. It helps you create new neural pathways rather than always jumping and catastrophizing to rejection. Sometimes we can actually associate that feeling with growth rather than shame.

>> Yeah, that's really helpful. That's helped me a lot. That one a huge amount actually. Which goes on to number four. The number four is such an impactful one. It's the idea that emotional dysregulation, which really is what RSD is. It's such a big factor of it, improves so much when your basics are stable, the things that we do daytoday, our lifestyle choices. So sleep, for example, you know, we get a really good night's sleep, we get a solid 8 hours. Our capacity the next day to to deal with RSD significantly improves. Our ability to strengthen the scaffolding that we have around ourselves, the support systems we have in place to to manage the intensity of it improves. Another thing is to really keep an eye on alcohol intake. I I I don't drink and neither do you for our own reasons. But I just generally one glass of wine in the evening considerably makes you more vulnerable the next day to an RSD trigger. I think just one glass of wine and almost all all of the positives of ADHD go out the window and all of the negatives and RSD is the main one gets significantly strengthened. Your ability to to rationale to deal with the nuances and trying to contextualize whether that's a real threat or a perceived one, it all gets significantly weaker and RSD gets stronger. So if we reduce or cut out alcohol, um it's it's a huge hack. And I think also the biggest one as well as sleep and cutting out alcohol is exercise. I don't think I've ever ever been triggered by RSD after I've had a good session in the gym. Um, I feel like when we do stuff that makes us feel invincible or stuff that we know only a tiny percentage of human beings do, it gives us so much confidence. I often walk out of the gym and I feel like I'm indestructible. And sometimes it's shortlived, sometimes it lasts for the whole day. But in those moments, I feel like I've got this this bulletproof shield against RSD in front of me. And sometimes it's not feasible to go to the gym, but even minor exercises throughout the day, like 10 star jumps in the office. Maybe do some star jumps in the bathroom if you have that regulation break. Exercise, doing something that makes you feel good is such a deterrent for RSD.

>> Yeah, both um very very good points, very close to my heart. We speak about this a lot, don't we? Exercise and what it can do and how it can change your whole experience of the day. Such an interesting thing. It can really make you from seeing everything as an obstacle to seeing everything as an opportunity.

>> I think if you went to the gym and then you saw a hand in that Instagram photo.

>> Yeah.

>> And then you even had some evidence to show that it was another man, you wouldn't care. No.

>> Cuz you'd feel so good about yourself.

>> Yeah. I'll be like, there's plenty of other options out there. Have the hand. I don't care. But yeah, and the sleep thing's a really really big deal, isn't it? Really big deal. How irritable you are if you're not sleeping and how sensitive you are. There's so much body armor we can put around ourselves by prioritizing sleep, cutting out alcohol, and exercising. Little things that actually just make us feel incredible. We get we feel incredible about ourselves. Our self-esteem goes up and that's that's the Achilles heel of RSD is self-esteem and self-belief and self-worth and when you do little things that build those with each addition of your self-worth that comes with exercising or sleeping better or not drinking then RSD gets weaker every time.

>> Mhm. So the next time you go to the toilet and you see people doing star jumps and they're they're asleep in there and they're just taking a breather in there.

>> Yeah. It's because they listen to this podcast. So, right, we're on the top three. Top three now. So, this is 12 of what? How many in the book? 60.

>> There's 50 to 60 in the book. Yeah. Yeah. And you can pre-order it now using the link in the description.

>> Wow. So, there's a lot in there. It's quite scary being an author for RSD because your RSD does get triggered at the idea of putting out an RSD book.

>> Yeah. And the day it comes out, I'm going to be refreshing the Amazon page, waiting for that first review. Waiting for that first one star review.

>> Who was the who was the first review for the last book on Amazon?

>> Oh, that's a good question. Um, I I had the same feeling. I don't know. I can't remember, but I had the same feeling. I was I was refreshing the page of Amazon, expecting that first one review to come in. Um, and eventually it did come in and it was five stars and I just couldn't believe it. I was in disbelief. I thought it must be some kind of technical error. Um, but I think that's that is what RSD is. You know, even in even with the evidence right in front of me, RSD was still telling me there's no way that that can be true because the internal belief I had about myself was that I'm a terrible writer, a terrible author. No one's going to buy into any of this this rubbish that I'm writing was, you know, the the cognitive dissonance was massive. The the the the gap between how I felt about myself and the evidence that the world was showing me just created this huge discomfort which I'm slowly getting more comfortable in.

>> Yeah. Number three.

>> This is probably one of the most important ones and it's about separating a part of you with all of you and understanding that when a part of you is actually criticized, it doesn't mean that the whole of you is criticized. In other words, it's about separating I have made a mistake from I am a complete failure. And the example is say you're at work and your boss makes a tiny correction to your work.

>> That would trigger my RSD. That would make me feel like everything about me is terrible. I'm useless. Everyone is mad at me. Everyone in the office finds me annoying because my boss has made one tiny correction to this piece of work that I've submitted. But in that moment, remind yourself that what is being criticized, what's being corrected is one paragraph in one piece of work that you have submitted. And that is not the whole of you. That's not all of you being criticized. Like things that we do in life, aspects of the things that we give out into the world will often be met with not totally positive feedback. And it's so easy for when you have RSD to assume that that thing that is being critiqued is all of you and that you are under attack as a person and everything that you stand for is bad.

>> But to remind yourself that there is a difference between something that you have given out into the world that is being critiqued and separate that from a critique of all of you. I guess some people see it as that drop of poison in the punch bowls everything, that one little bit of critique, but it's not the case, is it?

>> Well, even in, you know, even objectively incredibly talented people make mistakes. And are they terrible human beings? Are they awful at what they do? Human beings make mistakes. And when you've got RSD, it's very easy to to zoom in on that mistake because mistakes are often corrected by the world and assume that that's that thing that you have done wrong, that little thing is a reflection of all of you and to therefore feel tremendous shame, tremendous sadness because the world has discovered how useless and terrible and and awful you are. Well, that's not true. It's only one tiny mistake on one tiny thing that you've put out into the world. And to separate that one thing from all of you goes a long way to depowering RSD.

>> Yeah. Which brings us on to number two.

>> Number two, use clarity to prevent spirals. And the example that I go back to time and time again is if you're at work and your boss asks you for a quick chat without any context and you catastrophize and you spiral and think everything's going to end, the world's going to end. Whereas if you demand context by saying something like, "Can I understand what we're going to be talking about in that meeting?" And often it it goes a long way to depowering the crushing feeling of RSD in your relationship. If you you if you sense that your partner's mad at you or or they're upset with you, rather than over apologizing, you can start the sentence by saying, "I feel like there's some uncomfortability in the air." So, by asking for clarity, you often get the additional context you need that contradicts what your RSD is telling you about the situation.

>> Mhm. What's the best way of doing that in a tactful way so that you don't come across as needy? For example.

>> I think by saying things like I feel like or can you can I have some further context? I think in the workplace you can ask for the agenda ahead of time about a meeting so you know what you're stepping into. And in your relationship, I think you can own your sensitivity, almost be proud of it by saying something maybe humorous or even comically self-deprecating like, you know, I know I'm, you know, I'm, you know, I'm sensitive. Can you let me know what that response meant?

>> Or how was how was your day today? Can we talk about that? I think the the being over being sensitive in a relationship is probably the exact reason why they want to be with you in the first place because it comes in handy at the beginning. You're emotional, empathetic, sensitive. So, you shouldn't be shy about it.

>> Yeah. I mean, the the the sensitivities that come with ADHD also come with tremendous loyalty and empathy. We're hugely attuned to other people's emotions. That makes us tremendous partners and very lovable and very loving, you know. And the flip side is it it makes us also really attuned into picking up on perceived threats and negativity and and signs that the person hates us, which is the double-edged sword and something we have to be aware of. But I think in a relationship having that communication between you and recognizing that yes, there's two of you in the relationship, but there's also RSD is so important.

>> And also after an event, if if the if the trigger does happen to acknowledge it in the moment, step away, give yourself time to regulate all the things we've spoken about in this episode. But then as a couple after some time has passed maybe once a week come together and sit down and communicate how RSD has showed up over the last 7 days. What triggered that storm out on Wednesday? What happened leading up to it? How was I feeling before it? Make it such a common conversation in your relationship. Takes away a lot of the shame by doing that. And you can also build up this back catalog of known triggers and that helps you to avoid them in the future. When RSD is such a common conversation in your relationship, you can then take away a lot of the shame and some of the coping strategies that you as a couple used to to to cope and to regulate. You know, if you're in a restaurant with a group of people and someone says something at the dinner table and you instantly feel that and you you feel like you can't respond in the moment because it's too shameful. You can have a code word with your partner. Some tap on the shoulder or a a slight light kick under the table. Something that you know between your you as a couple is your little signal to say I need to go to the bathroom here to to shake my hands and put my hands under cold water and breathe because I'm triggered because that person's just said something.

>> I think communication and awareness of RSD in in a relationship is fundamental. Um, otherwise just shame takes over and the explosive rous will escalate and sadly I think when there isn't an understanding and an awareness of RSD and the relationship it's the cause of so many relationships ending when they could have been just spoken about and an understanding of RSD could have been put in place and I think you grow as a couple when you I think you you have a new empathy towards each other when you understand that RSD is there just speaking about it is is normalized.

>> Is this your subtle way of saying don't just buy this book for yourself, but it's a good present for a partner?

>> I didn't think about that, but there is a whole chapter on relationships in the book as there is for kids and accommodations in the workplace and the classroom and in relationships and everywhere really in your personal life. So yeah, it's a yeah, you know, I think it's it's certainly, as I said in the beginning of the book, that I wish I could read to my younger self and it's it's quite remarkable when you realize that you've lived so many years with rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria, and you didn't know that you were living with it and you truly believe that you were just too sensitive and that you were somehow defective and broken and everybody hated you. But they don't. You know, you're living with something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. You are not too sensitive. You have always been enough. Having that realization is huge. And to realize just how common it is within the ADHD community is also really soothing because you're not alone either.

>> Yeah. Well, number one, the gold medal hack for RSD.

>> These aren't really in any like order of effectiveness, but the last one is is is very good and it's having pre-rejection preparation. So understanding when you're entering into an environment where rejection is possible. For example, you could be going into an appraisal meeting at work or you could be going to a dinner party where you know that there is a certain type of character at the dinner table who's quite charismatic and just likes to throw jokes around, but you know, you're extremely sensitive to jokes sometimes. So knowing when you're about to go to a situation where there is a high likelihood that your trigger is going to happen and write down what you're going to say to yourself before you go into that environment. You could write down for example this isn't about my worth, their decision or their comment doesn't define me. I can handle this feeling. It will pass. By having these pre-planned responses and not that you're going to say them out loud to the table or to your boss in that appraisal meeting. These are things that you're going to say to yourself. These are things that you're going to say silently inside your head to yourself in the moment. And when you have that pre-planned response, it prevents the spiral or it at least stops it from escalating at such speed that you're unable to to to recognize it to stop yourself from responding. It gives your logical brain ammunition when your emotional brain takes over.

>> So give your logical brain ammunition. That's essentially the hack.

>> Yeah.

>> Come prepared.

>> Come prepared. Yeah. Give you have those mantras inside your head ready when you know you're about to set foot into a high-risk situation.

>> Okay, my RSD was set off earlier. This is classic. I'm on a bus and I I don't want anyone to sit in the empty seat next to me and I'm going, "Don't do it. Don't do it." And they come and sit next to me. And then another empty seat becomes available and they get up and they leave. And now I'm like, "What? Why are you leaving me? What have I done wrong?" So my RSD can be set off just by someone getting up and and moving spaces. Even in cafes, they come and sit next to me and then a better place comes available and I know it's a better place. They'll get up and they'll leave and I think it's my fault. That's RSD, isn't it?

>> It is. Yeah. And I I have just thought of something that happened this morning. I I'm doing this speaking gig in America in a couple of months and I've emailed them probably about 16 times and at the end of all of their emails.

>> You can tell that it's that they they see their emails they they sign off by saying with kindness and gratitude. And her name is I won't say her name but then she writes her name and it was quite clear that every time she's emailed me she's manually typed out with kindness and gratitude. But this morning I read the email from her and I realized that with kindness and gratitude was in a different font and it was bold which in my head suggested that it was automated or it was some kind of permanent email signature that she had now just used to put in to everyone and it took away suddenly it was like well she didn't write that this time cuz that's automated and now she doesn't like me as much as she did over the last 16 email exchanges.

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can relate to that. I've got a great story. Do you remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

>> Sarah Michelle Geller. Yes.

>> So, she was my biggest crush when I was about 11 and I wrote to her fan mail and I got a poster of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on something about this big and it had her signature at the bottom and I cherished it for like a year. And then my friend saw that I did that and did the same thing and he got the same thing and he had the signature and I just spent hours comparing the signatures to see if it was printed or if it was real and it was printed and I still think about that all the time.

>> I don't know how you've ever managed to get over that.

>> I know. I know. And then she got married, didn't she? So that sort of helped me get over it. But

>> You still have the signature now?

>> Um, no I don't have that anymore. But when she uploads something on Instagram and I see her husband's hand, that really triggers me.

>> There's 12 hacks there. There's loads more in the book. I think ultimately though, when you do feel that intensity, you know, when when you realize that Sarah Michelle Geller's signature is not actually one that was written by her and it was a print and you feel that intense raw, like that shutdown. And I think the most important thing is in that stage, you know, to go easy on yourself. Um, go super soft on yourself. Dim the lights. Don't try and fix it. Just try and regulate. Like RSD doesn't always need a productivity plan. It just needs safety. And to remember that when you're in that state, when you're in that mode of being triggered, that that's your priority. Like just find safety.

>> Mhm. Great.

>> And it would be great if anyone would like to pre-order the book. There is a link in the comments and please if you have any of your own strategies that have worked to soothe your RSD, please add them in the comments section below too. Thank you very much.